01x02 - Grand Theft Starship

[bunniefuu]

♪ Spaceballs

♪ Hide your air and hide your water

♪ Hide your son and hide your daughter

♪ Here they come, it's time to run away

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They will pillage, they will ravage

♪ Every village they will savage

♪ They are here and they are here to stay

♪ They will show no pity

♪ There's no helping hand

♪ They'll destroy your city

♪ They'll destroy your land

♪ Run for shelter helter-skelter

♪ They are in command

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They are monstrous, they are ghoulish

♪ All resistance would be foolish

♪ Spaceballs are coming, so beware ♪

They're here.

[grunting]

[crowd gasps]

Greetings, people of...

[screams]

Oh, man. Why does this keep happening to me?

[chuckles]

Because I'm unstoppable.

[sirens wailing]

[phone rings]

-Yeah? -Hi, it's me.

-What's up? -Oh, nothing much.

Just calling to remind you that we had that thing tonight

with the lava monster.

Lava monster. Yeah, yeah.

[stuttering] I didn't forget. I'm walking out the door right now.

[monster laughing]

Great. See you soon, right?

Yeah, I'll be there any second.

All right, last game.

[screams]

[female computer voice] Mission failed.

Damn it! [groans]

Okay. One more game and that's it.

Then I really, really have to go and...

[knock on door]

Well?

Oh, sh**t, the... The thing. How'd it go?

Oh, yeah. Mmm-hmm. Great. Great.

Except that I had to save myself.

-Really? -Mmm-hmm.

Well, okay, Dot saved me, but I helped.

I couldn't have done it without you, Princess. No way.

I'll be in the car with the rest of me.

Has anyone seen a hand?

Where the hell were you?

Well, I... I was...

[female computer voice] Mission failed.

Ah, son of a...

Is there a woman in here?

Uh...

Yes, there is.

Because I have been cheating on you with a woman.

[scoffs] Oh, I wish I could believe you.

[sighs] I knew it!

You've been playing that video game again, haven't you?

Yes, Your Royal Highness.

I don't get it.

What does that stupid game have that I don't?

Oh, it's not just a game, it's a complex virtual world.

Also, there are flamethrowers and a bunch of radio stations.

Well... Well, I'm complex. And can a game do this?

Mmm?

[moaning]

Well... Um...

-I didn't think so. -[thudding]

[Helmet] Sir, the enlarging ray is now fully operational.

Sensational. Wonderful.

Why do we need an enlarging ray, anyway?

You know, our latest evil plan,

to create an army of giant ants to take over the galaxy?

Building the enlarging ray was Phase one.

There's a Phase two?

Well, there's always a Phase two.

In fact, I was gonna suggest entering Phase two right now.

Maybe we should stay at Phase one.

-For how long? -Eternity!

Every time we go to Phase two, Lone Starr shows up and ruins everything.

But what about Phase three or four?

Trust me, you are gonna like what I have done with Phase four.

It's too complicated.

From now on, I want all our evil plans to stop at Phase one.

We've got an enlarging ray. Wonderful.

Maybe we can do other stuff with it.

I could use it late at night. Who knows?

I'm sorry, it only works on ants.

That's a tough decision.

Look, I need to consult with my advisors.

What do you think, Yesbot? Should we go to Phase two?

Affirmative.

Affirmative, affirmative... That means go with it, right?

That's correct.

What are you trying to tell me?

-Affirmative. -All right, never mind.

Begin Phase two immediately.

[monster laughing]

-[female computer voice] Mission failed. -Damn it.

You haven't moved since I left, have you?

So?

That was three days ago.

Ah, and I'm still stuck at the final boss.

He's this giant mutant space crab.

[scoffs] How would a mutant space crab get to be the boss of anything?

I don't know. Immunity to melted butter?

[scoffs] Well, you're never going to beat it.

I just have to figure out some way to stop sleeping,

-and then... -[Vespa] Listen to me.

The only way to really win is to stop playing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You just hate video games because you've never played them.

-Fine, I'll play now. -Really?

Sure, if that's what it takes to complain about them.

-What do I do? -What?

All right, since you're a newbie,

you'll wanna start slow, so let me just...

Hey! That guy just cut me off! How can I ram him?

Oh, push "Start," then hold the left trigger and tap the triangle.

[grunts] Like this?

-Let me show you. -No, I can do it!

-[Lone Starr] Ow! [groans] -What... What are you...

Hey, hey, hey.

-What? -What... What did you press?

I don't know. I sort of pressed everything.

Wow! Wow, wow, wow!

You unlocked some kind of debug mode.

Maybe I can use the Schwartz to...

Hey, it's my turn.

-Give me that! -No!

-Wait, just... Hang on a sec! -Wait!

[laughing]

Uh...

Your turn.

[roars]

I can't believe we're trapped inside a stupid video game.

Press the "Out" button.

There is no "Out" button. Anyway, are you kidding me?

-This is a dream come true. -[belches]

Well, my dream.

I've had it every night since I was seven.

[groaning] Oh...

So how do we get out of here?

I don't know. I've never wanted to stop playing.

[siren wailing]

[clears throat]

You folks lost?

Yeah, uh, sort of. We're trying to get back to reality.

[chomping gum] Damn.

-Are you from the real world? -Yeah.

We're players.

Well, you players make me sick.

All you ever do is steal cars, blow stuff up,

and run around sh**ting people in the head.

-[gasps] -[chuckling] Yeah.

I mean, in a way, I'm kind of like the man in charge.

What kind of man in charge would k*ll billions of innocent people?

I have often wondered that.

If you're the man in charge, wouldn't you be all-knowing?

Beats me.

So now that you're in our world,

if you die, would you be gone forever?

Now to be honest, I was kind of wondering that one myself.

-[g*n c*ck] -[chuckling]

Let's find out.

[gasps] Eep!

[Vespa whines]

[sirens wailing]

Okay. I'll hold them off while you steal us a car.

I don't know how to steal a car.

Sure you do. Just learn quick.

Ow!

-[horn honks] -[Vespa] Too small.

-[whinnies] -Too dirty.

[Lone Starr] Hurry up!

Ugh. Too yellow.

[gasping] Perfect!

Ahhh!

Princess! Oh, boy.

Ha! Get in.

Okay. We need to contact Yogurt.

He's our only chance of getting out of here.

Uh-uh. I don't wanna go home now, I'm driving a freaking tank.

-I know, right? -[both chuckling]

Awesome!

[all screaming]

[ants squeaking]

[Helmet] Sir, we've finished conquering Druidia.

We're ready to move to Phase three.

I don't like it. Lone Starr should have been here to stop us hours ago.

Seriously, have we ever made it past Phase two of an evil plan?

First time since I've been here.

You'd think he would have at least called or something.

I'm sure he'll be here any second.

So that's it. We've conquered the entire universe.

Great. Okay. Now what do we do with it?

Anything we want.

[laughing evilly]

Boy, are you weird.

So what do you wanna do, sir?

I don't know. I have no idea. What do you wanna do?

Wanna play video games?

Yeah.

I just wish I knew what diabolical game

Lone Starr was playing with us.

Looks like Grand Theft Starship.

Come on, it's my turn. I wanna run over some cars.

Lone Starr! How did he get inside?

[Vespa] There's no way that was five minutes.

He must have used the Schwartz.

Can one do that?

Of course.

Where do you think I got this plus- sword?

[video game music playing]

[chuckles]

Finally!

A chance to beat Lone Starr at his own game.

[both laughing]

[choking]

-Are you okay? -[spits]

-I'm all right now. -[sighs]

[clamoring]

Citizens of Grand Theft Starship!

How long have you stood by while players stole your car?

-Assaulted your prostit*tes? -[Helmet grunting]

Ran you down in the streets for a few measly points?

I say long enough.

[all cheering]

It's time we put an end to this video game violence!

But how can we fight back?

Many of us have only one hit point.

If we resist, then Lone Starr will k*ll us.

Put your faith in me and I promise unlimited hit points!

Up, up. Down, down.

Left, right. Left, right.

B, A. Start.

[all] Up, up.

Down, down.

Left, right.

Left, right.

B, A. Start.

Your task is to find Lone Starr and bring him to me.

On the way, if you want, you can beat him up a little.

Uh... I think we've got a problem.

I'll handle it.

With a BFG.

[farts]

Hmm. Crowbar?

[grunts]

[groaning] Ow!

[gasps]

[chuckles]

Uh... I know this is usually your line, but I think we're doomed.

Then there's only one thing left to do.

Scream.

What good is that gonna do?

Well, I... You know... I don't know. But it always works for me.

[inhales deeply]

[both screaming]

Stop! Stop!

This is stupid. No one's gonna hear us. It's just you and me.

[Barf] Hey, don't forget me.

Right, and Barf.

Barf? Is that you?

Sure as sh**ting.

It's a long story, but...

But you're trapped inside the video game, and now you're about to die.

Have you been standing there the whole time?

Well, I was gonna help, uh, eventually, uh,

right after I finish my sandwich.

I'm sorry, I'm not good at multitasking.

Just find Yogurt and see if he can get us outta here.

On my way, boss.

Just call him! I mean, doesn't Yogurt have a cell phone?

He does, but he doesn't know how to use it.

[sighing] Sounds just like my dad.

What can I do for you, Barf?

We've got a computer problem.

Have you tried turning it off and turning it on and turning it off?

That's not gonna help.

[Yogurt] It shouldn't, I know, but it does.

Look, maybe this was a waste of time.

They're trapped inside a video game,

but, obviously, you wouldn't know the first thing about games.

Are you kidding? I was the star

of the world's first educational game,

Yogurt Teaches Typing A through E.

Why only A through E?

Show business. Always leave them wanting more.

-So you can save them? -Sure.

I'll open a portal into the game,

then you can go in and lead them back to it.

Unfortunately, you'll have to go in the old-fashioned way.

Uh... Is that good?

If you like having a metal spike shoved into your brain.

[whimpers]

Okay, Barf, get ready to enter the game.

Here we go.

Relax. If even the tiniest thing goes wrong,

you'll probably never feel a thing.

Well, when you put it that way.

Okay, here we go, and...

[groans]

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, oops, oops.

Sorry. Sorry. Let me... Let me try this again.

No, you know... Yeah, on second thought...

Oh, too late.

[groaning]

Ow!

-Son of a... -Uh-oh!

What happened?

I think I just hit his speech center.

[babbling]

That's crazy, there's nothing wrong with my...

[Yogurt] Ooh!

Another mistake here.

[yells]

It works!

Or he's dead.

Either way, I've done all I can.

[screams]

[groans]

Oh, no! You k*lled him!

Oh, geez. I'm sorry about that.

[Italian accent] It's okay.

I spend my whole life stomping turtles, and now I know how it feels.

[groans]

Please, please, tell my brother I love him.

But he still owes me a quarter.

[whimpers]

[video game music playing]

So under the circumstances,

I'd really hate to ask a favor,

but I'm looking for a friend of mine.

And, you know, I wondered if...

I can tell you where he is.

Super! Say, I don't mean to impose,

but would you mind giving me a ride?

Oh, not at all. In fact, I'm gonna have to insist on it.

-[g*n c*ck] -[groans]

[whimpers]

[beeping]

Hmm.

[grunting]

[rapid beeping]

Hey, Barf, what are you doing here?

Oh, I came to rescue you.

Oh, how's it coming?

Ah, so-so.

Off with their heads!

Excuse me.

As a princess, I'm entitled to a final soliloquy.

-Let her speak. -Make it quick.

Go ahead, k*ll us all...

Uh... Princess...

...but that won't stop the video game violence,

because there's always going to be more players,

and they'll just be younger and stupider.

Yeah, she's right.

So what do we do?

We can't win.

Yes, you can.

But the only way to really win a video game

is to stop playing.

But how?

We could move.

I hear Raccoon City is really nice.

Forget it, my brother lives there.

They got zombies like you wouldn't believe.

And the traffic... Oy!

What about SIM Town?

I don't wanna live anywhere D.

Hmm. How about Educational Game Island?

Perfect. I've never seen any players there.

Unfortunately, you've forgotten that every game has to end

with a giant boss fight, like this one.

-Ha, ha. -[blowing whistle]

[Lone Starr] Crap, it's the final boss.

Come on, Lone Starr, you can do it!

No, I can't. I don't know how to beat him.

Don't worry, boss. I brought the strategy guide.

Really? So what do I do?

Well, let me see. Give me a second here.

Hmm. Well, this is interesting.

[screams]

[laughs]

Hit him in the eye!

-That's it? -That's it.

[screams]

-Oops... -[laughing]

Stop laughing and finish him off.

Silence! I have a system.

Okay, okay. You gotta dodge, then hit him.

Right before he shoots, his wisdom teeth flash.

Wisdom teeth? That's so stupid!

How's anyone supposed to figure that out?

Just do it!

Ow! Ow!

[groans]

-You idiot! Stop doing that! -I can't.

It's all I've ever known.

[laughs]

[Vespa gasps]

Look! He dropped a healing potion.

-Why do you keep doing that? -I don't know.

Stop yelling at me.

[laughs]

Finish him!

[female computer voice] Mission complete. Game over.

I did it! I beat the game!

Nice job.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, I was being sarcastic.

[female computer voice] Thank you for playing.

The universe will shut down in seconds.

Oops.

[clamoring]

I don't get it. According to the auto map,

the portal should be right here.

Guys!

Oh, I told you we should have stolen the jetpacks.

Relax.

[brakes screeching]

[female computer voice] Ten seconds remaining.

Hold on, boys.

[tires squealing]

[female computer voice] Five seconds.

Three, two, one.

[all screaming]

[indistinct yelps]

[babbling]

Okay, I'll admit it. That was fun.

So do you think Skroob and Dark Helmet made it out in time?

I guess we'll never know.

Unless we see them again and then we'll know.

Where the smeg are we?

Well, let's take a look here. If we turned left at the ice level

and went past the exploding barrel factory,

then we should be... We should be... Uh...

Uh-oh!

[video game music playing]

[beeping]