01x06 - Hairy Putter and the Gopher of Fire

[bunniefuu]

♪ Spaceballs

♪ Hide your air and hide your water

♪ Hide your son and hide your daughter

♪ Here they come, it's time to run away

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They will pillage, they will ravage

♪ Every village they will savage

♪ They are here and they are here to stay

♪ They will show no pity

♪ There's no helping hand

♪ They'll destroy your city

♪ They'll destroy your land

♪ Run for shelter helter-skelter

♪ They are in command

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They are monstrous, they are ghoulish

♪ All resistance would be foolish

♪ Spaceballs are coming, so beware ♪

They're here.

All right, your turn, Barf.

[LAUGHING] Woof! Woof!

Gotcha. Ow! [LAUGHS]

-Uh... Barf? -Oh, sorry, boss.

Nervous habit. [CHUCKLES]

Whoa, dizzy.

Okay, here goes nothing.

You're right about that.

Ow!

Boss, still gettin' that eye strain, huh?

Yeah, I just wish I knew who the hack was

who sliced this ball into my head.

Wow!

Ooh, maybe you should try to get a ballodectomy.

You could try my vet. He does it all the time.

Hey, maybe he could de-worm me, too.

You never told me you had worms!

I'm kidding, Barf.

-[PIGEON COOING] -Speaking of worms...

Headwig, you're a little late with the mail again.

[SING-SONG] I hope this is what I think it is!

Yes! We've been invited back to the annual tournament

at Mawgwarts Academy of Golf and Magic.

Yippee!

Whoa, boss, it says we have to get to hole /

by : noon.

Oh, then we'd better hurry.

It's one minute till : now.

Okay, this is the ninth hole.

It's gotta be around here someplace.

[SNICKERING]

Turn left, go down that way.

Yippee! Whoa!

[LAUGHING]

Ugh! I never liked gophers.

Hold on. Here we go again.

BARF: Yeah!

BOTH: Mawgwarts, here we come!

[SNIFFS]

Ah! Nothing like the smell of mawg dirt in the morning.

The pigeons have landed.

Phase one completed.

Hand me a copy of phase two of our evil plan.

Evil plan? Damn!

I thought you said "evil plant."

[SNARLS]

-Nice evil plant. -[SNARLING]

Sorry, we won't be needing you.

But maybe I can get you a nice dog to eat. Hmm.

Why the hell do I let you handle anything?

You're dangerous, you hear me? You're stupid and dangerous!

And not in a good way.

LONE STARR: Ooh! I almost forgot.

We need to stop at Caddyshack Alley to get some golf supplies.

Ah! Ugh!

Watch out, moron.

Where didn't you learn how to drive?

Lone Starr?

Oh. Sorry, Princess.

We didn't mean to knock you on your royal heinie.

Oh, step aside, boss.

Let me get a nice wag going here.

Oh... Uh, no, thank you.

Lone Starr's got my royal heinie covered.

So, you were invited back, too?

Of course I was.

I'm the only one who does any real magic.

Listen to my newest spell.

Lingardium, Levitra, Cialis, and Viagra.

Wow, you've really been boning up on your spells.

I haven't quite figured out what that one's good for,

but I suppose it could come in handy.

Uh, I suppose.

So, we're going to get some golf supplies. Wanna come along?

Are you kidding?

This little royal heinie was born with a credit card in her hand.

Seriously! Daddy had it removed.

Okay, we almost have everything on your list.

-Golf spikes... -Check.

-ba*ls, tees, gloves... -Mmm. Check, check, check.

Woods, irons, ugly striped winter scarves.

Why? I don't know. Check.

I guess the only thing left are the putters.

Oh. If can be of assistance to you, please.

My name is Bobby Taylor.

Wow, you're an energetic little guy.

[CHUCKLES] Check this out! I've never seen anything like it.

[SCOFFS] A hairy putter.

Oh! That, sir, is the Nimbus .

A very unusual putter indeed.

In fact, only one person in the whole universe

ever used that exact hairy shaft.

He Who Cannot Be Named.

Uh... Who?

I can't really say.

Then why did you mention it?

I don't know. Why did I mention it? [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Excuse me, please.

[GRUNTING]

Why does Bobby mention things he cannot mention?

Why? Why? Why?

Um, I'm thinking maybe someone should cut back on the lattes.

Uh... It's okay there, Bobby.

How about we just take everything?

Oh, oh... [CHUCKLES]

All right. I will pack it right up for you,

Mr. Harry Putter.

Whoo!

[ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

Okay!

Come on, settle down!

Settle down, you sadomasochistic sorcerers.

Now, let's hear a Mawgwarts round of applause

for one of our favorite old duffers,

Professor Yogurdore.

[ALL APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you, thank you very much.

A sheynem dank, Professor Meganotrix.

Welcome, welcome back for the th annual golf tournament

at Mawgwarts Academy for Golf and Magic.

Are you people ready to have some fun,

to make some magic, and play a few holes?

-ALL: Yeah! -Yeah. All right.

I'd like to play a few holes myself.

[CHUCKLES] Me, too, but not what you're thinking.

I'd like to dispel the recent rumors about me.

I'm % kosher in the sausage department,

if you get my drift,

-and I have my yentadore to prove it. -Whoa!

Ah! I'll vouch for his knackwurst,

although he does like musical theater.

All right. Now, this year, we have the usual teams.

The house of Slatherin...

[ALL CHEERING]

I think you missed a spot.

The Dufferpoofs.

[ALL CHEERING]

MAN: You go, girl!

And the Geekindorks.

ALL: Geekindorks, Geekindorks.

We don't fight dirty and we're gosh-darn nerdy.

I'm a nerd!

Unfortunately, everybody, the fourth house has been eliminated

due to the fact that nobody can remember their name. [LAUGHS]

All right. Now, let's have some good, clean fun

and hope we don't get bothered again this year

by that pain in the tuchus,

He Who Cannot Be Named.

Who?

He can't really say.

And now, without further ado do...

Wait a minute! Ah!

Now, without further ado,

do let me introduce our newest professor

of Defense Against the Dark Arts...

For some reason, we seem to have a problem

keeping anyone in that department for more than one picture.

Anyway, his name is Professor Snapple.

It's Snaple. Snaple, with a long "A".

Did I mention he's a little pretentious?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Under my direction,

you will keep your shafts stiff, your heads down,

and get ready to watch your ba*ls fly far...

Very far.

[LAUGHING]

By the way, these are my three T.A.s,

-Marlena Foy, Charlena Foy, and Darlena Foy. -[MAN WHISTLING]

That's us. The Foys. [GIGGLING]

Foy, Foy, Foy!

All right, enough with the giggling.

Now we're going to play a round of golf,

and whichever team wins

will get to pick who will have to face

this year's ultimate challenge,

-the Gopher of Fire. -[ALL GASP]

This is no ordinary gopher, my worthless wizards.

It's the Dragonian Gopher of Fire.

I said, it's the Dragonian Gopher of Fire!

[GRUNTING]

Darn. I just had that washed and set.

All right! The unlucky team's representative

will meet the gopher at the th hole,

and must bring back his greasy, grimy gopher guts

or die trying.

[GRUNTS]

A player from each of the three houses will be selected at random,

completely at random.

Uh, it all seems very complicated.

[COOING]

From the house of Dufferpoof,

we have, uh, Bruce Lee.

-No, [CHUCKLES] make that Brucey. -[APPLAUSE]

From the house of Slatherin,

Darko.

Okay, okay, enough with the lotions already!

And from the Geekindorks,

Harry Putter.

-Whoo! -Yay! Yay!

I sure hope he doesn't choke.

It might actually cost us our lives.

Every year it almost costs us our lives,

so why do we keep coming back?

I don't know. We keep getting invited?

You only have one day to prepare,

so practice as if your life depends on it,

'cause it might. [CRASHING]

Actually, I recommend you relax, goof off, maybe stay up all night.

Hey, works for me.

Any questions?

Yeah. Can you explain why the...

Okay, then. See you tomorrow.

There's something strangely familiar and suspiciously sinister

about that Professor Snaple.

Hey, Lone Starr, you look like you could use a little tip.

Tips? He loves little tips.

Okay, here it is.

The line is always shorter in the ladies' room.

No, it's not.

[GASPS]

Except in the bathroom upstairs!

[CHUCKLING]

Now that you mention it, I do need to take a whizz.

You'd better take your cloak of invisibility.

I'm sensing danger.

[CLATTERING]

He took the tablecloth!

Why do I always go for the guys

that don't know a cloak of invisibility from a tablecloth?

Ahhh!

[UNZIPS]

[WOMAN CACKLING]

What?

It's just me, Cacklin' Katie.

Well, go away! I...

[MIMICS GIRL] I'm just a girl taking a whizz.

KATIE: No, you're not.

I know who you are!

You're Harry Putter.

Okay, okay, I'm not a girl,

but there was no line.

There never is a line in here,

'cause everyone's scared of me.

Except for that new professor.

SNAPLE: Come on! Hurry up, you nitwit.

Uh-oh! Here he comes now.

Ugh! What is this thing, anyway?

It's a ball-sling girdle.

Put your ba*ls in the sling and get ready to swing.

Oh. I thought that sort of thing only happened in airport bathrooms.

SNAPLE: Put your legs through here.

It's just like a diaper, dummy.

Why do I have to wear it?

It makes me feel like I want to take a crap.

You're wearing it. You're wearing it.

Without it, you play like crap.

You have to win the golf tournament,

and then it'll be bye-bye Lone Starr for good.

Ah-ha!

That scummy perv is none other than President Skroob!

And once Lone Starr is out of the picture,

we'll turn Mawgwarts into our own private country club

for "evil doers".

Oh, you mean like a place

where bad guys can come and plan bad things?

Yes, yes...

And we'll offer vacation packages for the truly rotten.

Seminars on planetary domination.

Maybe even run how-to conferences on the evil laugh.

[BOTH LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

And we won't let anyone from Druidia join, right?

Exactly. No Druish people allowed.

[BOTH LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

But do I have to wear the diaper part?

Quit acting like a baby, Helmet.

Cheating's the only way we can win and send Lone Starr

to get cooked by the Gopher of Fire.

Come on. Let's get out to the course and practice.

And when we're running this place, remind me to fire the decorator!

Uh... So, what are you girls doing later?

Anyone interested in a little mawg a trois? [CHUCKLES]

Barf! Looks like our old friend Skroob is up to no good again. Come on.

Oh, sorry, girls. Maybe tomorrow?

DOT: Now on the third tee,

Harry Putter's two below par, Brucey's two above,

and Darko, Darko's a hack.

Darko, you dimwit,

why haven't you used the ball-sling girdle?

Boss, he said he wanted to do it on his own,

but he sucks on his own.

You, Vinnie, are the master of the obvious.

Okay, Helmet, we're filling up your diaper now.

-[BEEPS] -[WHIRRING]

What's this? It looks like the Slatherin house

actually may have taken a dump.

Now, Harry Putter's whipping out his driver.

Sets up...

Blow, you little crap.

What?

Unbelievable!

He whiffed! [CHUCKLES] Wow.

It's unseasonably windy all of a sudden.

Here comes Brucey.

MAN: You go, girl!

Oy, what does that little Dufferpoof think this is?

A one-hour show?

Just hit it already!

DOT: He swings...

And the ball is up and up and it...

It seems to be stuck in the air.

Shut it off. Shut it off!

DOT: And it lands about five feet from the tee?

Oh! Darn it! My ball's misbehaving.

And I broke a nail.

Oy, in all my years at Mawgwarts,

I've never seen such bad winds.

You should try sleeping with yourself sometime,

-especially after you've eaten chopped herring. -[SCOFFS]

DOT: Slatherin house is on the tee.

Darko swings, the ball is up,

and it flies...

All the way to the green!

And it's in!

Ah! The boychik's got quite a stroke.

Looks like this tournament is turning around for Mr. Poochy pants.

Watch where you're aiming that thing.

Don't worry. I see what they're up to, and I'm already documenting it.

Good work, your royal heinie. [WHISTLES]

[SHUTTER CLICKING]

-Ah! -DOT: Ooh!

That's bad luck.

That's no gerbil.

[FARTING] Oh!

[CHUCKLING]

[GROANS]

Oh! Great, now I have a pair.

If only this limb were a little high...

[GASPS] I've got it.

Lingardium, Levitra, Cialis, and Viagra.

Ooh!

[INHALES SHARPLY]

Yeah!

[SHUTTER CLICKING]

Did you see where my ball went?

Yeah, it's in there in the trees. You better go get it.

[EXCLAIMS]

Oh, poor Brucey. His ball went into the forest.

They don't call that the Tiger Woods for nothing.

-[YOWLING] -Ahhh!

-Ouch, you savage! -[SNARLING]

Just cut that out! Just...

BRUCEY: [EXCLAIMING] Not the...

[SCREAMING]

[TIGER GROWLING]

Should we suspend the tournament in Brucey's memory?

Nah. We'll give him a moment of silence.

Okay, that's a moment. Let's get back to the game.

[ALL GROANING]

Damn it, I hate this game!

DOT: It looks like he's giving up.

He's tossed all his clubs in the drink.

[BAWLING]

DOT: But wait...

[SOBBING]

What? My...

My hairy putter.

You won't let me quit, will you, boy?

DOT: I spoke too soon. He's up

and firing at the pin.

He's hit his putter yards, and...

And... And it's going in!

[HOWLING]

I gave it all the gas I had, but the ball kept going.

That's because he hit it with his hairy putter.

b*stards. When I bought mine, they told me it was one of a kind.

DOT: It's the th hole.

And since Harry's been using his shaggy shaft exclusively,

he's almost caught up.

Not for long.

Look, over there!

I think it's the tiger!

Are you gonna sh**t?

Where's your ball?

His ball is in the cup.

Wow, Darko got it in the hole in under one shot?

I guess that's a hole-in-negative-one, huh?

That makes him the winner.

[LAUGHING] We win! We win! We win! Yeah!

VESPA: Just a minute there.

The Slatherin house are a bunch of cheaters,

and I have the photos to prove it.

Don't listen to her.

She's got bad credit card debt.

-How do you know? -Just a guess.

He's right. I do.

Well, let's see what you got anyway.

Oy, poor Brucey. I've seen enough.

-The Slatherin house is disqualified... -Yay!

...and that means Harry Putter's team wins.

They get to pick who faces the Dragonian Gopher of Fire.

[ALL CHEERING]

Wait a minute. Slatherin house has been disqualified,

Brucey took it in the shorts, that means the Geekindorks

not only win, they also lose,

since they're the only ones left in the game.

I'm afraid that does make sense.

It does? I mean, of course it does!

Sorry, sorry, Harry.

Despite our great effort,

you alone must face the challenge of the th hole

and the Gopher of Fire.

You can get his greasy, grimy gopher guts, boss.

I can?

Uh... Probably not,

but I didn't want to be discouraging.

VESPA: Good luck getting it in the hole this time, Harry.

DOT: Release the gopher!

[GRUNTING]

-Oh! -Ooh!

Wow. Goodbye, Harry.

It was nice knowing you.

You know what? I never liked gophers.

[GOPHER GRUNTING]

Okay, you big, bucktooth barbecue.

[SNARLING]

Look out!

[YOWLING]

-Thanks. -You're welcome.

I think.

But now, unfortunately,

I need your greasy, grimy gopher guts to win the game.

What about his guts?

Hey! High five, gopher.

Hey, watch it!

You singed the hair off my shaft.

Sorry, I got excited.

[ALL CHEERING]

Oh, yeah. I got guts.

What? I can't believe it!

Oh, no? Can you believe this?

It's him! He Who Cannot Be Named.

-President Skroob. -I'm outta here,

but first I want my damn ba*ls back.

Oh, please. I'm sick of your ba*ls being in my face anyway.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

HELMET: Hey, wait for us!