01x13 - Spidermawg

[bunniefuu]

♪ Spaceballs

♪ Hide your air and hide your water

♪ Hide your son and hide your daughter

♪ Here they come, it's time to run away

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They will pillage, they will ravage

♪ Every village they will savage

♪ They are here and they are here to stay

♪ They will show no pity

♪ There's no helping hand

♪ They'll destroy your city

♪ They'll destroy your land

♪ Run for shelter helter-skelter

♪ They are in command

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They are monstrous, they are ghoulish

♪ All resistance would be foolish

♪ Spaceballs are coming, so beware ♪

They're here.

[ROARING]

[GIGGLING]

Oh, Ken, you great big handsome hunk, I love you!

Let's get married.

Maybe, but first, how about a night in a cheap motel?

[GIGGLING]

Helmet! What the hell are you doing?

[STAMMERING]

[NORMAL VOICE] Nothing. I was just...

I've been trying to reach you all day!

Well, I've been very busy.

Well, you don't look busy to me, Barbie.

Anyway, I've come because we have a serious problem.

-What is it? -The universe is much too peaceful!

There just aren't enough good wars going on these days.

Not to mention invasions, insurgencies, insurrections, upheavals or skirmishes!

I love a good skirmish.

Every day of peace is costing me and my corporation, Wallballs Inc.,

billion starbucks.

Sorry to hear that.

You're not sorry!

-If you were, you'd be doing something about it... -[INHALING]

...instead of sitting there, smoking the devil's tobacco.

Peace is not good for anyone, especially us. It's not good business!

We need to take immediate action.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I think so.

BOTH: Pointless invasion, shock-and-awe!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

BOTH: Love it.

Just for the fun of it, let's invade a really peaceful planet.

Yeah. How about Earth?

-I said peaceful. -Oh.

Well, then, how about planet Mawg?

Perfect. Perfect!

All those mawgs do all day long is sniff each other's butts.

And run away from vacuum cleaners.

[LAUGHS] They'll never know what hit them.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

HELMET: Once we control planet Mawg, we shall rule the universe!

Wait a minute. I thought we already rule the universe.

Well, then, we'll really, really, really, really rule the universe.

If you say "really" again, I'll know you're not intelligent.

Yeah, really.

Help me, I'm melting!

[LAUGHS] Welcome to Pizza the Hut's!

Mmm! You look delicious.

Hey, no eating me!

Oh, sorry, but I got the munchies.

Wow. You really taste good.

Why, thank you.

I'm pepperoni and sausage with extra cheese.

[CHUCKLES] That's my favorite.

Don't get any ideas, big guy. I'm engaged.

But you smell so good.

And I'm more of the pump-and-dump kind of mawg.

[SNICKERING]

Yeah, I hear it all the time.

What'll it be, boys?

I'll take one pizza with pepperoni and sausage and extra cheese.

I'm not too hungry. I'll just have a space iced tea.

Sorry, we're all out of space iced tea.

[GROANS]

We only got the iced tea.

To be honest, the only difference

between space iced tea and iced tea is the name.

[LAUGHS]

But I hate drinking or eating anything without the word "space" in it.

"Space!" It just sounds so cool and futuristic.

[BELCHES]

So we were losing pressure, and the ship was...

[SCREAMING]

Oh, yeah!

♪♪ If you marry me and give me attention

♪♪ I'll hook you up with financial affection ♪♪

[EXCLAIMS]

You okay there, Barf?

[CONTINUES EXCLAIMING]

What happened?

I think that spider bite has transformed you into some kind of superhero.

At least, judging from your colorful spandex costume.

[LAUGHS] Cool!

I wonder what kind of super powers I have?

I bet I can fly!

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

Well, looks like I can't fly, so I must have super strength.

Hey, perfect!

There's Bulk Logan, the ultimate fighting space champion.

Oh, what a perfect chance to see if I have super strength.

I'll go punch him in the stomach,

and then I'll insult his son's driving skills.

Watch this.

I don't think that's such a good idea, Barf!

[EXCLAIMING]

[SCREAMING]

-You okay, buddy? -[GROANING] Not really.

Okay. Well, then, do the cartoon character shake.

Good idea, boss!

If only short people with Napoleonic complexes could do this.

Crap, this sucks.

If I don't have super strength,

well, what kind of lame superhero am I?

You must have some kind of super power. Just keep trying.

-Well... I am super hungry. -[RUMBLING]

[BELCHES]

[GASPS]

You dog!

I am not a dog, I'm a mawg.

-[SOBBING] -[WOLF WHISTLING]

Cool! This power could come in handy.

[BELCHES]

You just stole my pizza, fatty.

We're gonna have to kick your a*s.

[BELCHES]

I am Spidermawg, half man, half dog, half spider!

All right, Spidermawg, we got work and a half to do here.

Okay, but I'm gonna need a minute here.

[FARTS]

[BELCHES]

Spidermawg!

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

It's finally time for our vacation!

Set a course for planet Bikini!

[CHUCKLING] Okay, then! We sure are due for a vacation.

Oh, I can't wait for planet Bikini!

Mmm! Gorgeous girls.

Topless gorgeous girls.

Drunk topless gorgeous girls.

Horny drunk topless gorgeous girls!

Wild horny drunk topless gorgeous girls!

-Slutty wild horny drunk... -[PHONE RINGING]

[GASPS]

Oh, no!

Yogurt, not now!

I only like yogurt for breakfast.

Hey, let's pretend we're not home.

Hello! I see you two idiots. You can't fool Yogurt.

I may be old and fermented,

but I still have a more powerful Schwartz than you.

-[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Sorry, Yogurt. -Yeah, sorry, Yogurt.

It's just that we're finally going on vacation...

Oh, silence. I have terrible news.

The spaceballs are about to launch a massive attack on planet Mawg.

[HOWLING]

[BELCHES]

Barf's home planet?

No one is more peace loving than the mawgs!

They don't even have a navy.

Or even an Old Navy.

We're going to planet Mawg

and I'm going to kick those spaceballs in their ball space!

All right. Sounds good to me.

Take Lone Starr and your super powers.

You'll do a little battle, and shoyn, everything'll be as good as new.

Shoyn. In case you don't know what shoyn means,

shoyn is Yiddish for... For shoyn.

Hey, hey, Yogurt, wait, wait, wait!

I need a little help here, please!

Sorry, old buddy, but Yogurt can't help you this time.

Every mawg has its day, and this is your episode.

[WHIMPERS]

[DISTANT BARKING]

[SNIFFING]

I hate this planet!

[SCREAMS]

[SIREN WAILING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Look! It's Lone Starr and Barf in Eagle !

Ah-ha!

Yes! Good!

They have turned up just as I predicted.

When did you predict that?

[GASPS]

While you were in the bathroom.

I knew they'd try to come to the rescue of Barf's beloved planet Mawg.

[LAUGHING EVILLY]

[COUGHING]

Blow Eagle out of the sky!

Yes, Lord Helmet.

Oh!

HELMET: How did you miss them?

Um... Sorry, Lord Helmet.

What's your name?

Ensign Floyd Bleephole, sir.

I thought we fired you a long, long time ago in another galaxy.

No, sir. That was my cross-eyed cousin, Ensign Lloyd Bleephole.

Get the bleep out of here!

Ugh! I'm surrounded by bleepholes.

[GROANING]

[BELCHES]

Oh, that was awesome!

Let's take these dirty ba*ls down.

Like you said, this is my episode, Lone Starr.

So stand by and let me take over!

Oh, right, right, right.

May the Schwartz be with you, Barf.

Who needs the Schwartz? I'm Spidermawg!

[BELCHES AND FARTS]

What's happening?

That fat-a*s mawg is ruining everything!

He's turning this into a fair fight.

[GROWLS] I hate fair fights. They go against everything I stand for.

It's time to unveil my super-secret invention.

What super-secret invention?

You never mentioned anything about a super-secret invention to me!

Yes, I did. While you were in the bathroom again.

You know, you've got to stop going to the can in the middle of the episode.

Anyway, maybe it'll sound scarier if I say it like this.

[DEEP VOICE] It is time to unveil my super-secret invention!

But, sir,

your super-secret invention isn't ready to be deployed yet! It's not...

Shut it, Snotty, and stop sniveling.

What the hell is that c*ck thing?

That c*ck thing is a giant, neuro-activated robo-moth!

I will control it with my own genius level brain through a neural link.

Nano wires will connect directly into my medula oblongata.

But, Dark Helmet, if you are directly wired into this c*ck thing,

then couldn't it take over your brain functions?

Ah, good point,

which is why I developed this inhibitor chip to protect my brain.

The chip enables me to maintain control of the moth

instead of the moth controlling me.

They should make one of those inhibitrons for women!

It could be a great help before bedtime.

Okay, pipsqueak, let's see that thing in action.

Snotty, hook me up.

[SCREAMING]

Oh, that's gotta hurt.

And that, too.

Get me out of this damn thing! Mommy! I want my mommy!

Snap out of it, Helmet! We need to get this hunk of junk working.

If Barf's really some kind of invincible superhero,

it could be our only chance to get Spidermawg.

Uh, but, sir, it obviously doesn't work.

That's not obvious at all!

What is obvious is that Dark Helmet's brain, just like his private parts,

are weak and mostly useless.

Here, give that crown to me and witness the true power of genius.

Oh, no. Don't do it. You could get hurt or k*lled or both.

Don't try to stop me, junior cupcake.

Hook me up, Snotty.

-But, sir... -Silence, Snotty!

See? I'm doing it. It's working.

[CRACKLING]

Holy sh*t! I'm becoming Mothball!

I will destroy Spidermawg,

for there is no way he can stop the all-powerful Mothball!

Okay, a moth versus a spider.

This is gonna turn out real well.

Little help here, please.

[BELCHES]

Not so fast, Spidermawg.

Who the hell are you?

I am Mothball, half moth, half ball.

Yeah, I gathered that from your name.

I'm gonna take you down, fatty.

[EXCLAIMING]

[SCREAMING]

The roof of this -story skyscraper

will be the perfect location to dramatically defeat Mothball!

After all, I gotta make sure my episode is action-packed.

[PANTING]

[FARTS]

I gotta stop eating at Pizza the Hut's.

[SCREECHING]

Wow!

[BELCHES]

[EXCLAIMS]

[FARTS]

[BELCHES]

After I wait a ridiculously long time for dramatic effect,

I'm gonna k*ll you, Spidermawg!

Beer. I need beer. Someone beer me.

Here you go, buddy.

-All right, now go get them! -[BELCHES]

[DRUNKENLY] You don't own me. Nobody does.

I'm tired of you telling me what to do all the time!

Barf, I'm not your father.

It's me, Lone Starr, and I need your help.

Lone Starr? Man, I love that guy.

You tell Lone Starr, I'll do anything for him.

[HOWLING]

-[BELCHES] -Ow!

[STRAINING]

You can't stop Mothball. I'm invincible.

I'm going to k*ll you, Spidermawg, but first, I'll conveniently fly off

to give you guys some time to get a plan to defeat me.

And maybe even have a little meal to restore your energy.

I got a plan. I know how we can defeat Mothball!

But this is my episode!

I wanted to come up with the plan to defeat Mothball myself.

Hey, snap out of it! Nobody works alone in this universe.

If you want something done right, you need to have a team!

Why do you think the police never arrest our paintball group

when we throw rocks at their cars?

Because there are too many of us to chase down,

and even if they did catch us,

it would impossible to know who threw what?

Exactly! Power in numbers.

Now, here's what we have to do.

LONE STARR: Arthur C. Clarke says,

"All moths are drawn to bright lights and cruel and unusual punishment."

It's their main weakness.

No! No!

I mustn't fly into the light!

But it's so bright! So warm! So g*y! So romantic!

sh*t, I'm gonna fly into it.

[EXCLAIMING]

You'll be okay, Skrooby.

Where am I? What the hell is going on?

Relax, Skrooby, you're okay.

We saved you from the clutches of Spidermawg.

When I'm done putting this special cream

all over your head, chest, groin and neck, you'll be good as new!

And if not, we can take him to the doctor

who fixed our noses, eyes, lips and boobs.

I have no idea what just happened.

I have no idea where I am or why I'm connected to this ridiculous contraption.

But none of that matters because I do know one thing.

Right now, I really need a little me time.

Me, too.

Me three!

Me four!

Then it's settled.

Let there be six bosoms to cover my face

while I prepare for my next attack!

[GIRL LAUGHING]

GIRL: Boobs away!

-[BLOWING RASPBERRIES] -GIRL: Mmm...

[BELCHES]

Take that, you dirty spaceballs!

What about the hundreds of people you might've just k*lled

throwing the spaceship into the street?

Well, let us hope they were all bad people.

Spidermawg!

You have failed, Skroob.

Yeah, yeah. Shut your helmet, Helmet.

We lost the w*r. Let's remove our troops.

I mean, I may be a moron, but even I know when it's time to pull out.

You sure do, Skrooby. [LAUGHS]

But I hate to lose to Barf and Lone Starr!

But you always lose to Barf and Lone Starr.

You're a loser! That's what losers do.

That's what they teach you in losing school.

I am sick of being the villain.

Why can't I play the hero?

Because heroes usually have special powers

and the ability to go on every ride at the amusement park!

Stop whining and just get us out of here.

Pull our forces off the planet. We're leaving.

Yes, sir! Immediately, sir!

Come out, everyone.

The spaceballs have been crushed!

[ALL CHEERING]

Sorry we didn't make it to planet Bikini, but I did the next best thing.

I had the girls flown here.

Look around you, buddy.

All the women on this planet are well-chested mawgs.

I'm gorgeous.

I'm topless.

Oh. Oops!

There we go.

[DRUNKENLY] I'm drunk. And I'm looking for trouble.

I'm horny and hungry.

Hiya, horny. Hey, where'd you get that hot dog?

I found it.

I'm slutty.

[FARTS] Oh! Well, with that face

and what seems to look like a female body,

I'm bound to get lucky tonight.

Woof! Woof!

Woof! Woof!

[GASPS]

-[SCREECHING] -[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

BARF: Ouch!

Oh, no. Not again!