Coming up, manhunt in Edmonton.
While the police want you
to keep your eyes peeled
for an attempted assassin
who might be in disguise.
A body was found
off the Bow Valley Parkway today.
A warning, the following images
are graphic and disturbing.
A man was found shot dead
just outside of Jasper
at Cherry Gate Farm today.
Police so far have no leads...
Jesus Christ, man. Are you sure?
They're just a couple of kids.
We don't have a choice.
They could tell somebody.
f*ck that, Peter, I'm not gonna jail
because of some meddling kids
and their weird dog.
I'm gonna k*ll them.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Uh what's up, sweetheart?
What the sh*t, Peter?
Don't talk to them, don't make it weird.
k*ll them in a second, okay?
You just chill out...
And stop being the d*ck
to these kids for one minute.
I'm chill.
Go on, my precious little angel.
Just that,
if you're planning to k*ll us,
you'll need to reload your g*n.
I'm sorry, what?
You guys only have that one g*n
concealed in your jacket's
left interior breast pocket.
But the body of Mr. Fleming
we found earlier had three g*nsh*t wounds.
We found 2 additional b*ll*ts in the fence
at old Cherry Gate Farm.
Meaning you missed twice.
Then in a panic you overcompensated
and shot Mr. Fleming.
Three more times using five b*ll*ts total.
That g*n can only hold six rounds.
So you have one b*llet left.
Assuming you haven't reloaded already,
which...
Let's be real.
Neither of you seem
to be particularly forward-thinking.
I mean, you think you can m*rder three
8-year-olds to get the heat off you.
Okay enough, of course,
it would get the heat off us.
And how would anyone know that
we k*lled you?
Because you're on the grid, bud.
By my count,
we passed six traffic cameras.
It should be about 9 o'clock right now.
No, it's 8:59.
Charles' curfew was 59 minutes ago.
His mom's already freaked out
and called the cops.
You guys are officially on the clock.
Why would your mom call the cops?
I'm sorry.
You're not helping.
Okay so maybe time isn't on our side.
Looks like we'll just have to
k*ll you kids in a hurry.
You still only have one b*llet.
Oh, mother
You were the ghost all along?
I told you, Mr. Crandall,
there's no such thing as ghosts.
Yeah and I punched it.
And everybody knows
you can't punch ghosts.
Exactly, Jack.
Once we saw that our alleged ghost
had a corporeal form.
It didn't take long for Miles
and I to figure out
that our ghost was all smoke and mirrors.
Literally in this case.
No way.
Another mystery solved,
thanks to Paige Darcy.
And I would have gotten away with it too.
- If it weren't for you...
- You meddling kids...
Need to just walk away.
This doesn't concern you.
It does now, Ringmaster.
Let the heiress go
and we can talk about this.
We can figure something out.
We're past that.
Okay.
Stay the hell back.
Okay okay okay, just calm down.
Everybody here is being cool..
And Jack, now!
No!
Woah, Jack.
Aw, I got you.
Yee-haw.
Did... Did you just say yee-haw?
Yeah because I'm hog tying him.
So you just go full on cowgirl
out of nowhere then?
Well I don't know,
I mean everybody's got a thing.
Maybe my thing is being a cowgirl.
Aw!
Just felt a little forced.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Totally.
So no one's buying it?
Well I don't know then.
What's my thing?
Everyone else has a thing.
Paige is the brains.
Jack is like Dawson's Creek
level handsome.
Charles is g*y.
Excuse me, Beth.
Please do not reduce me
to my sexual orientation.
Being g*y is not my thing.
My thing:
Is making people with rat tails cry.
You've done that like three times.
I'm actually with Charles on that.
That is so many times
that specific thing to have happened.
Okay fine. Charles' thing
is making people with rat tails cry.
Thank you.
Miles is into gadgets.
What?
You're like a tech guy.
No, I'm not.
Yeah you are, you've got that thing.
A Palm Pilot?
Yeah, that's your thing.
My thing is Palm Pilot?
Yeah.
Paige's thing is being smart
and my thing is owning a Palm Pilot.
Yeah.
CHARLES:
Pretty much.
I can't picture you without it.
Okay can we just figure out
whose thing is what later?
We gotta get the ringmaster
to the police before the light.
Aren't you forgetting someone?
Oh, sh*t!
- That's effed up!
- This is effed up, Darce.
Um, we've got a situation here.
What?
Kind of a... b*mb that's gonna k*ll us
and explode the dam... situation.
Let's go.
Something's wrong with Beth!
I'll go deal with the b*mb,
you take care of Beth.
Paige.
Paige.
["T-Shirt," by The Beaches]
It's okay.
["What The Hell" by Avril Lavigne]
Oh Eddie, you've caught me undressed.
Oh, hey, hi Paige. Are you late for work?
Yeah.
Can I give you a ride?
Nope, no, all good.
I actually need the exercise, so.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
There's so much room.
Are you sure?
Yeah just, yeah.
I can give you a ride.
Nope, no, you're okay, thank you.
I can move this stuff from the... the back.
Sure.
Hey. Hey Paige.
Hey Riley.
Uh Paige, you're actually
kind of late again.
Not that it's a big deal,
I just, you know, I...
I don't want to get the reputation
of being a softie.
Not that I want the reputation
of being a hard-ie.
No I just, you know,
I can't keep letting this slide.
I'm sorry, Riley,
I won't let it happen again.
Yeah, of course yeah.
That's cool, cool cool, cool-y cool.
Do we have any muffins left?
Yeah, I literally just baked some.
Want one?
Yeah.
Blueberry?
Morning Glory.
All right, yes!
Hot choice!
Hot choice.
I'll get you that muffin.
One Morning Glory?
Can I get a blueberry one too?
Hells yeah!
That's too enthusiastic.
Yep.
I can go get you that.
So what's his name?
Mark.
And what's he look like?
Kind of like the last guy I dated,
but if his face got smooshed.
In a cute way,
but also in like a not-as-hot way.
Also, he was a weird kisser.
He wanted me to suck
on his tongue for..
Minutes.
Consecutive minutes?
Yeah.
Did you offer to...
Obviously.
And he still...
Yeah.
Okay so,
I've piqued your interest
in my sex life, sex mystery.
Meaning maybe,
You want to take a look at this mystery.
Aw, Mrs. and Murray's cat died.
No no, not that. The suspicious death.
The drowning?
Yeah.
Wasn't he a drug dealer?
That's not the point.
Did he sell drugs?
Yes.
Did he sell you drugs?
Yes.
Well, where are you gonna
get your drugs from?
Paige, focus. This is totes suspect.
He drowned?
Yes.
What am I missing?
In a hot tub. That's really shallow.
People don't just drown in hot tubs.
That's weird.
This is a real mystery,
And you told me to find you a real mystery.
- And if I did that...
- Okay, okay.
This drug dealer, did he smoke cigarettes?
Yeah.
Did he eat like pure garbage?
Yeah.
Did he ever exercise?
Not per se.
Well, then it's not a mystery, "per se."
Paige, if you don't want to be cool
Just say so.
You don't have to blame science.
Prolonged increase in body temperature
causes the heart rate to rise
and the blood vessels to dilate,
which causes shortness
of breath and chest pain.
Any number of heart or
blood pressure problems,
many of which present in
youth, could have contributed.
Or more likely:
He drowned because he was drunk,
or high, or had the meat sweats,
or because of any number of dumb things
that he put in his dumb face.
People drown in small amounts of water
all the time.
Lonely old ladies with cats get ripped
on red wine and drown in their bathtubs,
listening to "Women in Song, Volume Two."
Even the brightest dumpster fire
burns out eventually.
Okay. Okay.
Fine. How about this?
I heard about a house burning down
outside a town.
Insurance fraud.
Mrs. Barker Dimpano's jewelry
keeps going missing.
That is her husband having an affair.
The town council rushed
through that airport extension,
so rich assholes
could take their private jets here,
even though we had the town hall
where everyone agreed that
that would be bad
for the town's cute slash twee aesthetic.
That's capitalism.
Ghost of the Moonlight Bathhouse.
That's insurance fraud,
but most of these
are insurance fraud, Charles.
People love money, it's their main thing.
Yeah money is pretty boss.
Charles, I'm sorry,
I'm just not interested in this stuff.
You just keep bringing me these mysteries.
But solving them would mean telling
people that their husbands have moved on.
Or calling insurance companies
to report fraud.
I'd way rather focus
on getting you a new drug dealer
because my job is super boring
and I think I'd like it more
if I was doing drugs about it.
Sorry?
Nothing.
We're just talking
about a mystery we're trying to solve.
I think that's super sweet of you
to humor Mrs. Murray like that.
What?
Well she came in yesterday
looking for you.
She thinks her cat's been m*rder*d?
Sorry, is this not
what we are talking about?
I'm not the best conversationalist.
I've been doing Toastmasters
and I signed up for this improv class...
She thinks her cat was m*rder*d?
This is the one that interests you?
She's old and lonely and sad. Case closed.
She lives next door to Kevin Pletcher.
That's right, yeah, how'd you know that?
Oh.
So I signed up for this online course
on emotional intelligence.
And I think she's deflecting her grief
from her neighbor's death.
But, I don't know,
I only got 60% of the course.
Charles, we have a case.
Hell yeah.
Riley, I'm leaving and
I don't know when I'm coming back.
Okay cool cool. Uh...
Look, if you want to discuss the case,
I'm super good at Sudokus
and Escape Rooms.
So you know, give me a call.
["Let's Go," by The Beaches]
So you just found your cat
on the front lawn?
Yes.
And I told the policeman
that she was only seven years old.
And she was way too young
to die from old age.
Plus, she was eating an awful lot.
And that she would just like sit
and stare at things for minutes on end.
Oh wow, so weird for a cat.
Yeah.
You know what I think?
I think she was m*rder*d.
Mrs. Murray.
May I autopsy your cat?
["Let's Go," by The Beaches]
You're cutting up a cat.
You're hungover.
I am not.
Okay yes, I am very hungover.
Donna decided to take me out
for a drink last night.
It went out of hand.
So uh, now that I've admitted it, just
keep your voices down a bit, would you?
Charles.
Mmm.
Did you two let yourselves
in just to use police resources?
No Donna let us in.
I believe you two know each other from
drinking all the alcohol ever last night.
Donna, come on, Donna.
I mean, I was handling my life.
Paige, it's still a cat.
Where would a cat get weed?
Its owner.
Mrs. Murray.
Oh, well, maybe a neighboring house.
Oh lord.
There's not another ill*gal grow-up
I have to worry about, is there?
I don't have time to go banging on doors,
I wouldn't know the first place to look.
221 Elk Avenue.
You know where it is already?
Yeah, it was the only house that
didn't have snow on its roof this winter.
That's because the roof stayed hot
because there was hydroponics inside.
Wow, nice work, team.
Actually, Charles didn't know
because of the hydroponics thing,
he knew because he used to buy weed there.
Charles, come on, Charles.
Sorry for living, Kathleen.
Yeah, sorry for living, Kathleen.
Donna, I swear to god.
It's Kevin Pletcher.
Kevin Pletcher?
Yeah.
Well, that makes sense.
Kevin Pletcher
is friends with my son, Connor
and all Connor wants to do
is snowboard and yarn b*mb trees.
So if he's doing that just
because he's stoned, honestly,
that's a bit of a relief.
You're relieved your son hangs out
with drug dealers?
No Charles, that is obviously not ideal.
But let's put a pin in that for now.
I'm gonna go send a team
to check out the house.
Make sure they treat it
as a crime scene for m*rder.
m*rder?
Dun dun dunnn.
I am fairly certain that Kevin Pletcher
and Mrs. Murray's cat
ingested the same plant.
And if you look here,
you will see that it's m*rder.
Just tell me.
I think somebody poisoned the plant.
There's arsenic in this cat
and there was arsenic on the patch
of weed in Kevin Pletcher's backyard.
The final phase of the arsenic poisoning
would have caused a seizure,
which would have caused him to drown
just moments before he would
have died from the poisoning anyway.
Yeah a drug like arsenic
doesn't go good with hard drugs.
Exactly, Donna.
Loving this energy, Donna.
- Yay.
- m*rder.
Okay.
Next time I walk into a room,
why don't you just lead with that?
Okay.
I'm gonna go send a team
for the Pletcher place.
Sounds good.
- Paige.
- Yep.
Good to have you back.
Thank you.
Oh my god. Are we on a case?
Solving crimes like old times?
m*therf*cking mysteries?
Charles, I really need you
to think about this, okay?
This is very dangerous.
We're talking
about a m*rder*d drug dealer.
This could be some g*ng sh*t, okay?
It's not all funny games like
when we were kids, you know?
It's not another fake ghost
haunting a theme park
that's secretly on top
of a gold mine, okay?
You could get hurt!
If you're on this case, I am too.
Is there any way
I can talk you out of this?
For sure, no.
Okay then we're working this case.
Hell yes!
Yay.
Hell yeah, Donna.
Oh this is dope as sh*t.
Okay, what do we do first?
Same thing we always do.
We go through this guy's life
and we try to find a list of suspects.
But if we're doing this,
I need you to promise me right now
that you're gonna follow the rules.
Oh my god,
I totally forgot about the rules.
Rule #1.
Do your homework.
Do your homework.
["Want What You Got," by The Beaches]
Hey, are you just taking that?
Here, you're gonna need this one too,
they go together.
Thanks, Officer B.
Have fun solving crimes.
Oh. Hey Charles,
You still haven't messaged my nephew back.
Oh, here's a detailed
explanation as to why:
Sorry.
Are you gonna tell me?
Rule #6.
Establish a timeline.
Establish a timeline.
Rule #37.
Blend in.
Blend in.
Rule #43.
Wait for your moment.
Oh no, I'm not musical,
except for singing..
My own praises.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHARLES LAUGHS AGAIN]
So you know when I'm on drugs,
it's super easy to drill me.
You guys got any drugs?
Cause if so, drill baby drill.
Oh, Dorothy Parker.
That's what they'll call me.
I'll have this, can I have that?
Mm.
So who'd you guys vote for
in the last federal election?
Nice rat tail.
Loser.
Oh sorry.
Oh sh*t, oh sorry.
Okay whoa whoa, whoa whoa whoa,
hey whoa, chill out okay?
We're all friends here,
whoa, you're going, okay, whoa.
Rule #75.
Pack heat.
Jesus, Beth.
What?
No no g*ns, we don't use g*ns.
Where do you even get this?
We need to protect ourselves.
Paige, what happens if we're in danger?
Whoa!
Aw!
Cheez-It!
Did you just throw sand in his face?
Yes I did.
Why do you have sand?
Because when you start
as much drama as I do,
you need an exit strategy.
Help!
He put the rat tail in my drink.
All right, go.
Okay one, apparently celebrities
stay at the Royal
Rocky Mountain Hotel sometimes,
so we can totally meet them
if we're just like hung out there more.
Okay that's not relevant, but it's sick.
Mm-hmm, and two, there is a supplier
and she doesn't know his name,
but he does meet Kev Kev
every Thursday night
at The Wrong Bar
at the booth in the back.
Now I doubt this other guy is dumb enough
to keep going there now that
Kev-vy Metal is dead, but...
Maybe we go there,
we find someone who knows something
about this mystery supplier.
- Maybe we can get a name.
- Exactly.
All right, let's go to The Wrong Bar.
Yes because you know what?
Thursday night at The Wrong Bar
is Y2K night.
That means disguises.
I mean, technically they're not disguises,
it's just us in different outfits.
Paige, why must you take my joy
and turn it to ash?
- Because they're not disguises.
- Why are you like this?
- Language actually really matters.
- You're being pedantic.
- Because this is how I literally-
- Could be forget
- became.
- And I know what that word means
- and that matters to me-
- because I've got a word-a-day calendar
for Christmas.
- It makes sense-
- and I am now starting...
- You know what-
- to work on my personal growth.
Fine, fine, fine, they're disguises.
Yes.
But they're not disguises.
You know, I question
how we are friends all the time.
I know, buddy, I miss this too.
["Jump," by Wren Kelly]
Sup, Donna, you old skank.
I'm a medical doctor, yeah.
Okay stay close to me.
Why?
Because I know you
and you're gonna ditch me
the second you see some guy you're into.
Oh, come on.
You are about to feel like such a b*tch.
Hey Darce.
Hey Darce.
Hey Darce.
Hey Darce.
Hey, hi. Hi.
So, you're back.
Kind of.
I've been bouncing all over the place
with a new job.
But I've been dropping
by a lot more lately.
Cool cool cool. Cool cool cool. Cool.
God, Paige, you look great.
What? No, Really?
Yeah you look, I don't know, happy.
That's a new one.
I missed you.
What? Shut up, no you didn't, what?
I know I know, you hate
this kind of talk, but I really did.
That might be the best thing
anyone's ever said to me.
So, what are you doing right now?
Charles and I are just...
Being Charles and I.
Ah, I see, so you two
are either solving a mystery or drinking.
One of those two?
This is why I think about you.
Every time I see little mysteries,
people telling strange lies,
when I lose my keys,
I think about running around
solving them with you.
Did you check your back pocket?
Another mystery solved by Paige Darcy.
So now that the mystery is solved,
have a drink with me?
Yeah I would, that's, yeah,
we can, I would love that.
I'm very good at drinking
and not good at talking.
So chill.
Yeah I don't know
why I'm so bad at talking right now.
Classic Darce.
I've got a table right over here.
[flashback] CHARLES: He does meet Kev
Kev every Thursday night at The Wrong Bar...
At the booth in the back.
I actually have to work in the morning,
I have a very... I need to get rest.
So that I am mildly personable
and on time,
which you know me,
very rude and late all the time.
So I've decided to change.
No stay a while.
I really can't, I just got promoted
and now I'm in charge of muffins.
So that's a
It's a really big department.
We should catch up.
I think we might need
to have a little chat.
Stay.
Or what?
["We Like to Party," by Vengaboys]
[STRUGGLE]
Move, move, move and run.
Move and run your butt!
What, why?
What happened to you being articulate?
Jack, it's Jack!
What? What did he do?
I should have never let him talk to you.
If he breaks your heart again...
He didn't break,
Oh my god, he's the supplier
and he's being very weird
and very sketchy.
And maybe he k*lled Kevin Pletcher,
so just run.
What? No he's too freaking dumb
to be that evil.
When did he get all evil and stuff?
I don't know, could you just hurry up
and run your butt?
He knows where we live,
we can run butts all we want,
but he will find us.
Not if you run your freaking butt!
Paige, come on!
Okay so we find a safe house
and we figure it out there.
Oh my god, yes, safe house, yes,
we haven't done that in forever.
Okay this isn't fun.
It's kind of fun.
Yeah it's awesome, but also wow,
was this always so terrifying?
Yeah.
How did I not know that when we were kids?
Because you were a smart kid
but also a real dumb kid.
Yeah, that makes sense like...
Oh.
Hi Paige.
Hi Paige.
Hi Paige.
Miles.
Hi, Miles.
Back the hell up, Palm Pilot.
Oh god.
Jesus Christ,
where did you even get a knife?
Rule #75.
- Pack heat.
- Pack heat.
You know that heat refers to g*ns, right?
Rule #33, make do with what you got.
Thanks, Paige.
You're not off the hook yet.
Oh.
Okay, come on.
Your brother...
Has been selling drugs
and maybe m*rder*d Kevin Pletcher
and is probably doing
a bunch of other ill*gal stuff.
Uh, yeah.
Wow, that's the quickest confession
we've ever got.
What? Confession?
No you think I'm involved in this?
No, no, I've noticed
he's been acting strangely,
so I started tailing him after work.
g*ons.
Let's get 'em.
And then I figured out what he's doing
and I'm trying to stop him now.
You've got to believe me, Paige.
We're supposed to believe that
you and Jack moved back at the same time.
I never moved away!
I've lived here my whole life.
I'm the Senior Guest Liaison
at the Royal Rocky Mountain Hotel.
I see you around town all the time.
I give you that head nod.
I invited you to my m*rder mystery party
last Christmas.
And then you sent me back a picture
of you flipping me the bird?
Did that happen?
Mm.
Okay, story checks out.
Okay.
I guess I just
don't notice you or whatever.
But that is not a me problem,
that is a you problem.
Be more... Something. Be more!
Okay, thank you
for the constructive criticism.
Okay, if you were investigating him,
you would have gone to police sooner.
He's got you there, Miles.
With what?
It's my word against his
and everyone loves Jack.
Jack's the hero detective
and I'm the sidekick brother.
Yeah, Jack is pretty rad and you're just
some straight up milquetoast milk toast.
Thank you?
Milk toast that's been seasoned with...
more milk and more toast.
Okay, I get it.
What are you doing here, Miles?
I bet the same thing you're doing,
looking for evidence
and trying to build a case.
You find anything?
Like we'd tell you,
your brother's the bad guy.
Well, what if I told you I had a lead
that could help you two
break this case wide open?
What do you got for us?
I have a neat little plan.
Oh.
How can I hear you wink?
["Moment" by The Beaches]
Oh. This is sad. You live here, Miles?
Your life is sad.
I don't live here.
Okay just don't be ashamed
of your terrible, terrible, sad life.
Okay I do NOT live here.
This is Jack's trailer.
Okay well then I now just feel sad
for Paige, who f*cked him.
Jesus Christ, Charles.
What?
Okay well, with Jack out
looking for you two,
we know we have a window
to search his place for, you know, clues.
Good thinking, Miles.
Thanks, Paige.
Yeah, really good thinking.
And, you know, I'm really sorry,
I just dropped the b*mb
that Paige banged the sh*t
out of your brother.
Charles.
What? You're the one who did it.
This is the worst day.
I feel like if I were a drug lord,
I'd, like, live somewhere nicer
than a trailer in rural Alberta.
And that's why, if you were a drug lord,
you'd get busted
and live your life in jail.
Why?
- He doesn't live here.
- He doesn't live here.
Oh, snap.
A fellow concierge tipped me off that
Jack is staying in his hotel
in Lake Louise.
This place is just for business.
Right, keeping business separate
from pleasure.
Mm-hmm, cool, yeah.
Yeah Paige, I'd totally get busted
for being a drug dealer if I was one.
I mean, I'd also possibly die
of a coke and puss overdose.
I mean, I assume drug dealer me would
be straight or pretending to be straight,
but I'd O.D. on coke and p*ssy, no doubt.
Hey Paige, check this out.
Nice catch, Miles.
Yeah.
Behind the panel.
Safe.
Okay, so the code.
Jack's birthday, September 1st, 1984,
minus September 2nd, 1984.
I was a bit more stubborn getting out.
Yup, it's 696969.
Nice.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Whoa.
Is it real?
Oh my god. Paige, forget mysteries.
Let's just sell this.
Paige, what are you doing?
Just hang on a second.
Paige, you can't do cocaine!
Yeah it's definitely coke.
And it is very good coke.
What if it had been anthrax?
Well, then we'd all be dead anyway.
Yeah, duh, Miles.
Paige, maybe I should test that to
make sure it's for sure coke, huh? Yeah.
I think we need to get out of here.
Oh, what? No... we're not taking it with us?
No, if we have it,
it doesn't prove anything.
We need Jack to have it
so he's incriminated.
Then we tell the cops to come here.
They come check it out.
They find the coke. Boom.
Oh does he need all of it?
Or could I have, like,
enough to have a cool weekend?
No.
When did you stop being cool?
I don't think we should take it either.
Shut up, Miles.
Why are you so mean to me?
Paige, let's get out of here.
That coke was super good, though.
How dare you!
You never let me taste that good coke.
sh*t, we've got company.
I see it.
Do you want Paige to drive?
What? No, I'm fine. I can handle this.
Really? Because we've got a tail
and you're going below the speed limit.
I'm fine, and it's a speed limit.
As in, as fast as is safe to go.
I think it's perfectly reasonable
for me to drive
as slowly as I feel comfortable at night.
Let's relax, take it easy,
and arrive alive.
You should probably let me drive, Miles.
What? No Paige,
I have this under control.
Aw! That's a lot of glass!
Oh my god, Miles, punch it!
Good idea.
Hello?
Just drive the car!
Hey Paige, how's it going?
Oh okay, you know, just doing regular,
non-exciting detective stuff.
I don't like this!
Listen, I checked Pletcher's place out
and there are some things
that are just off.
Miles?
You think a drug dealer would have
a burner phone somewhere, but nothing.
Somebody who knows what they're doing
has been through here.
I am a mother flipping monster!
Okay thank you so much.
Love you, goodbye.
I'm a monster! If I say it, I believe it.
Ah! I live for the glory of battle!
Oh no!
This is how we die, Paige,
The fortune teller that we met
when we were 12, was right!
Oh my god, she wasn't right!
She was a mon...
- Hold on, Oh my god. Ah!
- Ah!
What what, what are you doing?
Paige Paige, this is not a good idea.
Oh no holy sh*t, Paige, this is
for sure even worse that what I did.
We're gonna die way harder now.
Paige, get off this side of
the road. We're gonna crash!
That car had right of way!
Follow the rules of the road!
They all have right of way.
We're on a one-way road!
That's a minivan.
What're you doing, Paige?
Oh sh*t, oh sh*t.
Uh, we're on train tracks, b*tch,
train tracks,
you know what a train track is for?
A train!
A train definitely has the right of way,
so maybe just nudge us over the other side.
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!
- Don't tell me to shut up!
Who thinks this is helping?
Do you think this is helping?
Oh, I'm sorry,
was your gentle ribbing helping?
Well maybe some gentle ribbing
isn't...
- Okay, woah...
- sh*t.
- No!
- Paige, Paige!
Oh, oh, oh, Jesus Christ.
Oh, my gosh.
We almost died.
We almost died.
Paige?
Yeah.
That was... awesome.
Kathleen!
Kathleen!
Kathleen!
Whatever this is,
it can wait till the morning.
Kathleen?
Miss Keene, sorry, Kathleen?
Please, Chief Keene,
we think we found a break in the case.
Wait, what is going on here?
I have a life, Paige.
Oh, yes you do and I am living for it.
So, we think we found...
I gotta know who's in there.
That is not your business, Paige.
Okay so what I think
I'm hearing from you...
Paige, please let me have this 'solve.'
Kathleen, you don't keep things from us.
You tell us details from cases.
You tell us about your weird son.
I mean, you even told Paige
about that time
you found out you had a wax allergy.
So I'm guessing tonight,
you're throwing a bush party?
- I'm not...
- Nice.
You know what?
Okay just what is your point?
Well you tell us everything.
So if you won't tell us who's in there,
that would mean that
you're embarrassed by him.
Which then raises the question for me,
given your abysmal dating history,
who could possibly be so bad
that you would be embarrassed by him?
All right. Good night.
Wait! Wait! Evidence!
Can it wait until morning?
Yeah, sure, yeah. Totally.
Oh, yeah!
Get yours, Kathleen.
Thank you, Charles.
And... I wasn't having a bush party.
Did a little thing... with lasers.
Oh my god, yes Kathleen. Get yours!
Copy that.
Go.
I guess we got the night off.
Do you guys want to come over?
- No thanks.
- Pass.
We can work the case.
- No thanks.
- Hard pass.
Maybe a fun hangout?
I've got coffee, tea...
There's this delightful sugar-free soda
I've been treating myself to lately.
I can't keep saying pass, Miles.
I've got alcohol.
I don't get this. This doesn't add up.
We don't have a motive.
Sure we do. It's money.
Jack is doing this for the money.
Small town, drug money?
That doesn't sound like Jack.
Plus, this whole thing is like way too
complicated for Jack to do on his own.
Thank you.
So you think he's working with someone?
Yeah.
Or maybe, maybe somebody put him up to it.
Oh come the f*ck on.
I think the evidence backs it up
that it couldn't be just Jack.
Jack running a drug ring
and not getting caught.
I love my brother,
but he's never exactly been.
Oh man, the wolf ate Mr. Willikers.
No. No Jack.
Mr. Willikers was pretending to be a wolf,
which explains
why the real wolf would eat him.
What?
No!
You're so pretty.
Mm-hmm.
He's never been the brightest.
- Agree.
- Yeah he's super dumb.
Club guy?
Yeah.
It's 3 AM. Ooh.
Uh-huh, calm down.
What, is he texting you
to get some sort of chaste coffee
or maybe ask you to join his church group?
Great bit, Paige.
It is an amazing joke,
but more importantly,
you gonna get laid?
Calm down.
Ooh.
Mm. Okay all right, okay.
Eff you, Darce, I'm bailing.
Unless... should I stay on the case?
I mean, I do have
a certain street smart set
that neither of you two weird nerds have.
Actually, f*ck you, Paige.
I'm getting laid.
Be safe.
Mm-hmm.
Good night, dummies.
Night.
Taking my knife back.
Okay, I hope that's unrelated.
Also don't make me take that away
from you again.
Good night, Charles.
Good to detest.
["Sun in an Empty Room"
by The Weakerthans]
This is cool.
What?
This.
Solving a m*rder?
No. Yeah kind of, just seeing you work.
Jack and I are always more of a,
talk things out kind of thing.
Well, mainly me explaining things to him.
But seeing you work,
seeing your brain move,
the cogs turn, it's neat.
Thank you.
Hey, Paige.
Huh?
Why'd you stop?
Why'd you stop solving mysteries?
Uh... Beth.
Oh my god, Beth.
I did not mean to bring Beth up,
the seizure.
I am, yeah, I'm so sorry, it's,
well, first, it's not your fault,
which you probably know that,
and you definitely don't want
to talk about it, so I...
Yeah I'd rather just focus on this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Is it because you blame yourself?
Like, you blame yourself for,
for, no, like, do you?
I know I would.
I would blame myself for what happened.
You know, when we were kids,
I always hoped
for something big to happen,
and I could spring into action
and save the day,
and when it finally happened,
I screwed it up.
So if anyone's at fault, it would be me,
because I screwed it up
with Beth and the seizure.
I don't want to talk about this anymore.
I feel, I feel like
I've said Beth and seizure a lot.
You know, it's fine, it's fine. Um...
It is my fault.
And I know I really didn't have much
of a choice there, but
it really feels like it was, so I really
just want to focus on this case
and do my whole
compartmentalization thing.
Yeah, yeah of course.
Yeah.
Classic.
Be hard on yourself. That's your thing.
Yeah, my thing is being hard on myself.
Yeah, for sure.
What's your thing?
Well right now, it feels like
my thing is trying to talk to girls,
and then making them relive
the worst moment of their life
over and over again
by saying Beth and seizure.
Oh no, you thought
you were picking up here.
No.
Well not exactly.
Oh Miles, these were your moves.
How are these your moves?
Your game is so weak.
Yeah I have no game. It's a problem.
I mean, it's almost charming.
Yeah?
Yeah you know, other than the whole
bringing up my dead
best friend thing, sure.
Yeah, it's not great.
It's never gonna happen, though.
Okay.
Paige.
Mm-hmm?
What moves would work?
Miles, are you asking me for advice
on how to pick me up?
Yes, totally.
I don't know, Miles.
I normally go for like
like a different type.
Oh, I think I'm your type.
Mm, I don't think so.
I think that you think
I'm a type that you're not into,
but I'm for sure the good type
that you're completely into.
Really?
Yeah.
Tell me the things that you are into.
Okay well, I like tall guys.
I've got at least an inch on you.
Okay I like assertive guys.
We should make out.
Do you want to make out?
See, that's so assertive.
Okay, you're very assertive, Miles.
I don't know, I guess I just normally go
for like, bad boys, you know?
Guys who are like,
just a little bit dangerous.
Dangerous, bad boys.
Mmm-hmm.
You know, Paige...
I can be dangerous.
Who is it?
Okay well, it's, it's um
it's Charles.
What does he want?
He wants to know if we're gonna have sex.
Are we?
Nope.
You sure?
Yes, I'm very sure.
I'm pretty sure we were about to kiss.
No I don't think that was
what was happening here at all.
I think that you just figured out
that you're totally into me.
It's never gonna happen, Miles.
Oh my god. Oh my god.
Are you giggling?
I'm sorry.
I've imagined this so many times.
That's cute.
Oh Paige Darcy,
I have waited so long for this moment.
Oh my god. Oh my god.
Oh my god. Oh my god.
Oh.
Uh!
I am... so sorry.
You want to watch a movie?
Well what a night to end the day!
I made it.
Ever think about your life?
I sure did.
And I'm here to tell ya.
There's a better way.
Good morning.
Oh shh shh shh.
Shh.
Good morning.
Morning.
I have to go to work now, but feel free
to stay as long as you want.
[mumbling]
Not words. Try again.
What time is it?
It's 8:30.
Shut up! That's not a real time.
Like I said, sleep as long as you want.
You could sleep all day if you wanted.
I wouldn't mind coming home
to find you in bed.
Weird, that is like the only sexual thing
I've ever heard you say.
I could be sexual and sensual.
Prove it, talk dirty to me.
You would look so cute naked in my bed,
but you don't have to do it
only if you want to,
because consent is cool.
I mean, in principle, I like that,
but I... thank you.
I have to go to work now.
Okay.
Aw.
Something for you.
Thank you.
Charles, I know that's you.
You're not allowed to text before 9:00.
That's the law.
["Lame" by The Beaches]
So would you go in a pizza with me?
Yes.
Oh yeah, sick. Okay, okay.
Voice command.
Voice command.
Voice command!
"Select option."
Phone book.
Phone book.
Phone book!
"Volume at 100%."
No, I said phone book.
"Who would you like to call?"
Dominic's Pizza.
"Calling Domino's Pizza."
No. Cancel.
"Call ended."
Who would you like to call?
Dominic's Pizza.
Dominic's Pizza.
Incoming call from Mark Bird.
Oh oh no, that's the guy
from the other night.
I have moved on, so you know what,
just don't answer.
- "Connecting."
- What, no.
Oh, hey Charles.
How is that guy not the mystery?
Hey Marky. Marky Marky.
Listen, I'm just in the car with my friend
who is crazy sick and stuff,
so I can't talk right now.
Sorry, I can't hear you.
I'm in the car. I can't talk.
I'll call you later.
Just k*ll me.
Okay bye.
"Disconnecting call."
Okay.
Voice command.
Call Dominic's Pizza.
Hey Miles.
Dominic's Pizza.
"Calling Domino's Pizza."
No! Cancel.
Sorry, what was that?
Wait, what?
Paige, you shouldn't be here.
But... is he?
We found a body, Paige.
You can't know that that's him.
Jack would never do this.
He left Miles a message
on voicemail at work,
saying that he was
in way over his head,
confessing to being the supplier,
said he was gonna burn all the evidence
and leave town.
We think the fire
just got too big, too fast and...
So you think, so you're saying
you think, you think Kevin Pletcher...
He would never do that.
Jack wouldn't do that.
Paige, you can never
really know somebody.
Where's Miles?
Miles.
I... Miles...
I'm sorry.
It's all my fault, Paige.
I should have listened to you.
I should have went to the police
as soon as I suspected it.
But I, I just wanted him
to be innocent so badly.
I did this, Paige.
I did it.
You couldn't have known.
I should have.
I should have known.
I know. Charles,
get her out of here, please.
Yeah.
Good morning, Jasper!
This is Matt and Belle in the morning!
["Walk Like That" by The Beaches]
This is Matt and Belle in the morning!
Bam bam bam bam.
Wake up! Wake up! Wake...
First off, you look beautiful.
It's giving 90s grunge.
And she...
Okay, don't gas you up right now.
I see that.
I realize I haven't been holding up
my end of the mystery g*ng deal,
So,
I did homework.
I went to the library and everything.
Didn't you used to date the librarian?
Jacob, yes and he is still mad.
So me going to the library
is a huge gesture on my part,
and I would like the credit for that.
Why is you confronting your ex
something I owe you credit for?
I went to the archives.
I looked at years and years of data
about how people in this town died.
Fun.
Did you know that we have
a lot of seizure-related deaths,
way more than the seven other towns
that I look at in this region?
I found 10 years of deaths
that suddenly look suspect.
Doesn't matter. Jack's dead.
Okay okay, but maybe it's not that simple.
Look, I think Jack sucks.
Well, sucked.
But serial-arsenic-poisoner level sucked?
I don't buy it. I don't.
Look...
Paige, you can't just sit here
feeling sorry about yourself forever.
You've got to figure out a way somehow
to move yourself forward eventually.
Even if it's just for me?
I lost Beth too.
And half of the time,
I also feel like I lost you.
Christ. Yeah.
Hi. Good morning, Charles.
Hi.
Good morning, Paige.
If you say so.
Paige, I actually
really need your help with something.
It's kind of a mystery.
Yeah well, I don't do those anymore.
Actually, yeah, we are very interested
in solving your mystery
after we maybe take a shower.
Please, Paige, it's my grandma.
I could really use your help.
All right, so...
Okay, I got it.
Is there a trick to this or...
Just... okay.
My grandma's been complaining.
The past few months,
she thinks her house
is haunted by, wait for it...
Ghosts!
Oh, Jesus Christ.
She's been hearing
all kinds of noises lately.
Okay, Riley. I'm sure you're aware that
it was very tough
to get Paige out of the house today,
so there'd better be
an actual mystery here.
This is an actual mystery.
Okay they're expanding the airport
by her house,
which is probably
why she's hearing noises.
So once again, you had better
have an actual mystery,
or I will end you.
This house is built on top
of all those old coal mines
that they had to fill in for the airstrip.
So this could be ghosts
from there who are, like, angry.
They're being disturbed.
It gets more exciting than that.
These aren't just regular ghosts.
These are ghosts of...
A drum roll, please.
Birds!
Oh, Jesus Christ.
She thinks her house is haunted by birds.
I mean, come on, this is a cool mystery.
Birds, canaries, like in the coal mines
singing their little warning song.
Man, this mystery is boss.
Don't say boss.
This mystery is cool.
The canary in a coal mine idiom
isn't cause canaries
sang little warning songs.
It's actually because the canaries
were the first to die in the mines,
which will let people know
to get the hell out of there. So...
Okay.
But ooh...
Ghost birds.
This is a cool mystery.
The mystery of a woman who hears birds?
She's probably just hearing birds.
But she distinctly hears them
inside the house.
Answer that.
Are... you... serious?
In fairness, I didn't come up to the attic
on my preliminary investigation.
Well, looks like
we've solved the thrilling mystery
of why does the old lady hear birds?
Look, I know
you don't like the word boss, Charles,
but this is pretty boss.
Whoa! That one almost got me.
You've got to admit,
this is a hell of a lot of birds.
And how did the birds get in here?
Wow. Well
the thrilling twists keep coming.
How did the old lady
get a bunch of birds in her house?
I don't know. Could it be the huge window
that's open right f*cking here?
But maybe it's not that simple.
It's not that simple.
Exactly.
But...
Paige?
Jack running a drug ring
and not getting caught?
I did it, Paige.
Holy sh*t.
I just figured it out.
How the birds got in the attic?
No.
Riley, Jesus, they obviously came in
through the window, but...
Miles just texted me
that he just got to work.
But see,
canaries don't just live around here.
Riley, pipe down. Paige, keep going.
It's 8:55 AM,
but the other day when he texted me
that he just got to work, it was 9:15 AM.
Why did it take him an extra 20 minutes
to get to work the morning Jack died?
Maybe he stopped to get a coffee.
No no, he never gets coffee from us.
Sometimes he stops to get a muffin,
but only when he's sad,
and he didn't get a muffin last week.
Yeah because he banged Paige.
So in 20 minutes, you're saying that
Miles m*rder*d Jack?
No. Jack's trailer
is more than 20 minutes away.
Plus, the voicemail Jack left Miles
was already on his machine
when he got to work,
meaning when it was left,
he was still with me.
So are you two, like, together?
So if not to Jack's trailer,
then where did Miles go?
Donna.
Oh my god. Just in time, you two.
You are not gonna believe this.
What?
This thug life animal compilation
is amazing.
Okay Donna, we're not here for that.
But leave us the link
because we will watch it later.
Donna, was anyone here last Friday?
Uh I don't know. When was Friday?
Wednesday, Thursday, all right.
Oh you know what?
I write this garbage down.
Okay.
Last Friday. Friday.
No one out of the ordinary.
Miles, obviously,
because he wanted to see his brother,
which I thought was really messed up
because his brother's just
a pile of burnt, gross stuff.
That was in no way medical.
Donna, it is nuts to me
that you're a doctor.
I know, right?
Donna, what time was he here?
Uh he was waiting for me
when I got here at 9 AM.
Okay two things.
One, wow, Donna,
way to be at work on time.
Thanks, Charles.
And two, that means that Miles was here
before he got the message
off his work voicemail.
Before he got the god damn voicemail.
Meaning he already knew
before he got to work.
Meaning he already knew when he sexted me.
Whoa whoa whoa.
Miles sexted you? You didn't tell me that.
Because it was bad and embarrassing
for all of us.
Donna, he obviously wasn't here very long.
What did Miles want?
Not much. He looked the body over.
He asked how quickly I could release it.
He wants to bury his brother
and start the healing process,
which I completely understand
because I...
Am a Scorpio.
Donna, it is so nuts to me
that you are a doctor.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Usually I would run a couple more tests,
but if I'm being totally honest,
I don't really care about my job
and I'll take any opportunity
not to do it.
So you're saying you didn't run any tests
before confirming that
that is Jack's body?
I mean, who else would it be?
This where you've been
keeping Kevin Pletcher's body?
Yeah.
Oh sh*t.
How long do you think he's been gone?
You lose your keys recently?
All the time.
Just all the time.
Did you lose them last week at Wrong Bar?
Yeah.
I did lose a set that night.
Whoa, neat,
you really are a fun girl detective.
You're like a:
Prettier,
Benedict Cumberbatch Sherlock
or like a:
Smarter,
Robert Downey Jr. Sherlock.
Well, are you gonna help me find the body?
You already have it, it's the burned one.
Jack Hannigan-Daly?
Nope, Kevin Pletcher.
Oh snap, so...
Jack's alive.
Holy sh*t.
Whoa, hey wait!
You wanna do whip-its with me guys?
I'm a scientist
so like I can make it totally safe
but we can still get really wrecked.
Jack's alive?
Yep.
And Miles knew?
Yep.
Oh sh*t, that means that Miles seduced you
to distract you.
I don't know if that's the most accurate.
That boy didn't know how to play your body,
but he played your mind like a fiddle.
Like a fiddle, Paige.
Okay, no, let me,
let me appreciate this.
It is so rarely that somebody gets
to make you look stupid.
Okay, okay, so:
Miles found us outside of Wrong Bar
and then,
took us
to Jack's cabin to distract us.
Sure.
All the while, Jack got Donna's keys
and then broke into the morgue
and got a body.
Then Miles took us home,
and seduced you.
While Jack staged his own death,
which Miles and Jack staged
to look like an accidental death by fire,
which is believable
because of how dumb Jack is.
And then Kevin's body gets ID'd as Jack.
Okay you know what?
It really seems like
you figured all of this out.
We don't need to go through it.
No no, we for sure need to go through this
because the Hannigan-Daly brothers
somehow concocted an elaborate plan,
an elaborate crime that hinged
on Miles' ability to seduce you.
And it worked.
Yes it worked.
He outsmarted and seduced YOU!
I guess.
Miles?
Yes.
Palm Pilot?
Yes.
Oh, he outplayed and seduced you,
even though
he isn't straight up drab milk toast.
Yep.
Miles!
Yes!
Oh, boy.
Paige.
What?
Why?
Still trying to work that one out.
Come on, we gotta go.
Oh, are we gonna do
what I think we're about to do?
Yes.
Oh yes, I am so pumped to do this.
Knife, please.
You ruin my joy, you know that?
You're too messy to have this
and you know that.
May I help you?
Ma'am?
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
No... Sir... Ma'am...
[gasps]
Oka, okay, okay.
Yeah no, they are here. They are here.
Yes, the man gave me the finger.
Hey!
What?!
Hi David.
Oh, hey, Donna.
Paige.
Paige?
What's going on, remember me?
[Donna: ON PHONE]
I had a great time, David.
Me too.
[screaming]
Yeah no, I had a great time, too. Yeah.
I just got a filling there.
Yesterday!
I was thinking you weren't gonna call.
But you did.
[screams]
No!
Donna, that doesn't mean that
I'm clingy, I just...
You're very clingy.
I like you and you know...
How do you wanna take a break, Donna?
We've only seen each other the one time.
That might have been enough.
What are whippets?
No, Donna, just give me a second.
Ready for a little round two?
Charles, watch out.
[screams]
Why did you do that?
Where's your boss?
What was that? Was that bleach?
Did you use regular bleach?
Yes, where's Miles?
No no no no, no no no, no!
Oh my god, stop it!
Stop spraying me, please!
Where. Is. Your. Boss? Tell. Me. Now!
Please stop!
Tell me where Miles is first!
My eyes burn, my eyes burn!
He's in the house...
Where, he's in the what... House?
Head house.
Oh, okay. Well, thanks.
Please stop! Please stop!
Thank you, thank you.
Where'd you get that bleach?
Paige.
Go!
Oh god, I'm so sorry. I am so sorry.
I am so so so so so so sorry.
I am...
I believe in non-violence.
["Back of My Heart" by The Beaches]
Three, two, one.
Hey, Darce.
f*ck you.
Hi, Paige.
Die in a fire.
And as an addendum to that thought:
f*ck you!
Beacon of class as always, Paige.
Shut up!
- And also, f*ck you!
- I know, I know, f*ck me.
[suspenseful sting]
I feel weird about this being a g*n thing.
Me too.
g*n truce and just regular fight?
Yeah, sounds good.
Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
So,
Punch fight?
Punch fight.
[STRUGGLE]
Oh, wow, sorry.
MILES: You know, Paige...
Wait.
MILES:
You know, if you weren't so predictable,
it wouldn't have been so easy
to manipulate you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I should try doing something inventive
like being a drug lord.
That's some full potential sh*t.
MILES:
I was doing just fine.
Making money and influence,
getting exactly what I wanted.
But then you just had to get on the case.
Thought about throwing you out, but...
I couldn't help myself, Paige.
I just couldn't help but want to see
the best little girl detective
fail to solve the mystery
right in front of her.
I even gave you all of the clues, Paige.
PAIGE: Was one of the clues showing you
how quickly you could bust in your jeans?
Seriously?
Okay.
I mean, not down that
you tried to make it with my ex.
But like, so jokes that you ended up
making it with your pants.
Okay!
But why all the arsenic k*lling?
I am getting so bored
waiting for you to solve this.
Tick Tock, Paige Darcy.
You're the Senior Guest Liaison
at the Royal Rocky Mountain Hotel.
And you've been selling drugs.
But you're selling at a lower
rate than anyone in the province.
And with the wealth
of the clientele of this hotel,
you could obviously be selling
for more money.
Wait, seriously?
So it's not about the money.
It's about leverage.
Some of the most important people
in the world stay at this hotel.
So he gets them what they want,
he keeps the proof,
and then he can blackmail them.
He's selling drugs,
but really what you get is control.
But that doesn't explain all the murders.
What is it that you want?
Seriously?
The same thing I've always wanted.
Paige.
What?
You want to beat Paige.
All of this is so that
you can be the better detective?
I AM the better detective!
I've always been the better detective.
[MILES, flashback]: Paige's thing is being
smart, and my thing is owning a Palm Pilot.
[CHARLES, flashback]: Ten years
of deaths that suddenly look suspect.
Let's go.
[MILES, flashback]: I used to hope that
something serious like that would happen.
Something's wrong with Beth.
[MILES, flashback]
So I could spring into action.
[PAIGE, flashback] The final stage of
the arsenic poisoning causes a seizure.
[MILES, flashback]:
I did this. I did it, Paige.
You k*lled Beth!
That was an accident.
Well I mean, I did poison her.
I just had never done it before.
I figured I'd have enough time
to defuse the b*mb
and get her to the hospital
and be the hero.
Live and learn, I guess.
Beth died
so that you could play detective?
Paige.
Paige...
Run!
[g*nsh*t]
Come on, Paige.
That's obviously not gonna happen.
Wall. Now.
Paige...
When the cops get here,
I'll tell them you were working with Jack
and that you working the case
was just to throw them off.
Nobody's gonna believe that.
MILES: The thing about fireproof safes
is that they don't burn down in fires.
Right about now, the cops are cracking
open a safe filled with cocaine
covered with your fingerprints.
How did you not see that coming?
And you:
I had you confess
to being the supplier in over your head.
They'll pin everything on you.
Take the drugs, Pletcher's m*rder.
Come on, did you really think
you were coming back from that?
f*ck, you are dumb.
Paige,
I am just so crazy about you.
You're predictable.
You play by...
A silly set of rules
and you never bother to learn.
What should I have learned?
Well, right about now,
it'd be that you need
to save the people you love.
Ah!
Oh my god, Jack!
This is scary, I get it.
How about we make this a fair fight?
Oh, my god.
I can't believe you fell for that.
That g*n is empty.
This g*n isn't.
But thanks for getting your fingerprints
all over the g*n that k*lled Jack.
You loved him, didn't you?
That used to drive me crazy.
I do all the work,
and he was the handsome one
who'd punch things and he'd get the girl.
I think to myself:
Maybe she'll notice me this time.
This time she'll see that
I'm the genius crime solver...
But you never did.
You only ever noticed him.
So, yeah:
I staged a b*mb at the dam,
poisoned Beth to distract you
so I could save the town and be the hero.
But I guess it didn't work.
You made me a k*ller, Paige.
Oh well,
I think this time:
I'll get the girl.
But I gotta move Jack's dead body
and k*ll you before the cops get here,
so, let's make it quick.
That shouldn't be a problem for you.
Just for that,
when I k*ll Charles,
I'm going to take my time.
[YOUNG BETH:]
Paige, what happens if we're in danger?
Rule #75, pack heat!
Pack heat.
What?
Holy sh*t!
Paige.
Thank you Paige.
You're welcome.
Oh, no.
Oh, my god.
Don't go anywhere.
Never.
["Fascination" by The Beaches]
Morning, Jeannie.
Morning.
You seem to be doing better.
I'm doing okay.
I'm allowed to say this even though
I know you hate this kind of thing...
I'm proud of you.
You're right, I do hate that so much.
Hmm, you seem to kind of like it.
There's one thing I couldn't figure out.
What?
Who was over that night?
Nobody.
Come on.
Nobody was over.
Okay, I read this article about self-love
and they suggested that you set the mood
for yourself to show yourself you care.
So after all those years of dating
straight up duds,
the one person you were embarrassed
to love...
Was you.
Hmm, you can go now.
There's nothing wrong
with a little self-care.
Okay, go.
Okay, love you, bye.
Love you too.
Connor,
I'm proud of you too, honey.
Very pretty.
Get a job.
And that's why my uncle
isn't allowed back at the pool.
Mm-hmm yeah, crimes will do that.
I'm into it.
It's doing it,
it's doing something to me.
Yeah, I'm feeling something.
I'm gonna take that eye patch,
just put it in my mouth.
Hey, guys,
Thank you so much
for your help with the old bird mystery.
I closed the window
and now no new birds are getting in.
So I just gotta take care
of the existing canaries...
And we'll be right as rain.
Okay.
What really inspired you to...
But how did the birds get in here?
This house is built
on top of all those old coal mines...
That they had to fill in
for the airstrip.
Maybe it's not that simple.
Why the police want you
to keep your eyes peeled,
for an attempted assassin
who might be in disguise?
Mayor Gomber is the assassin in disguise.
He put a b*mb under the runway
that's on top of the old coal mine
so that he could k*ll
the Austrian Ambassador
that's coming to town today,
like he was supposed to do 20 years ago.
- Marry me.
- m*therf*cking mysteries!
What the...?
Freeze!
Mayor Gomber.
Or should we say international assassin,
Antonio Paravicini.
You four are just in time
for the Wi-Fieryworks.
Four of us?
Riley, what are you doing here?
You said let's go.
- To me.
- To Charles!
I thought it was an open invitation.
Drop the detonator.
Ah I see you, but it's too bad
that you brought a g*n to a boom fight.
You light that stick, you die too.
True, but I succeed in my quest.
For 20 years, I have waited
to k*ll the man I failed to k*ll
to regain my reputation
as world's biggest a*s-a*s in.
In... In 10 minutes,
the ambassador's plane will land
to attend anonym convention
which in fact does not exist,
which I made up to lure him here.
And when he leaves the plane
and walks tippy-tippy across the tarmacs,
he will be walking right over these mines
which I have filled to the brim
with expl*sives.
I waited. I planned.
I became mayor
of this stinking little Albertan town.
And now I am here and no one will stop me.
I will fulfill my destiny.
Why did you explain all that?
I mean, what could monologuing
possibly get you right now?
Witness my genius.
Well, while you were chatting,
Paige disarmed the b*mb.
What?
Oh, sh*t.
I mean, I'm sorry.
It was your stupid monologue right now.
Oh I know that, Kathleen.
You don't lay hands on me,
you jack-booted...
Not nice. Not nice.
What's with the two mustaches?
Let me go, you rotten dog.
You lack any permanence...
Lots of adjectives. Yeah. Got it.
Another mystery solved by Paige Darcy.
Yes.
Why are you here?
What are you looking at?
Yeah, what?
There's a mirror back there.
Thought I looked cool.
You can see yourself
in that mirror over there?
Yeah it's like reflective.
Come look, see?
Is this one of those like art is
a mirror thing that I don't understand?
So what? Back to the bakery?
Want some coffee or something?
BEHIND THE CAMERA:
Cut. Wonderful
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Paige Darcy: Reluctant Detective (2025)
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