03x04 - The Devil's Road

[bunniefuu]

- Watch
"The Vampire Lestat: After Dark"

on AMC+ or wherever you
get your podcasts.

Previously on
"The Vampire Lestat"...

What do you think about
the Great Conversion?

Vampires taking over the world.

f*cking stupid.

I saw Claudia in New York,
someone who looked like her.

Thank you, Regina.

Eff this. Eff you. We quit.

I'm guessing you haven't
heard from my maker.

I'm sorry you were
burdened out of spite.

Where does the bullshit start?

Armand? Amadeo?

My name is Arun.

-Hello, Arun.
-I am an addict.

I love you, Lestat.

There's not room enough in
this box for your desperation.

I have this weird thing
that happens.

Suddenly, everyone around me
disappears, and I feel him.

Stop. Armand.

Gabriella Vecce,
my first fledgling.

-She died.
-What the hell?

He was crying
f*cking blood tears.

Did no one see that?

It brought poor Dan to his knees

and seeded a hate for me
inside him.

How long are you gonna stay?

I saw you two times
last century.

It's not
an unreasonable question.

[piano music]

All rockers sing about the road.

It's practically preordained.

♪♪

Seger turned the page.
Brown loaded out.

Jon Bon played for keeps

because he had too many doubts.

[chuckles]
I mean, that's not the lyric,

but it should have been.

And Phil X was a better
guitarist than Richie Sambora.

There, I said it
so you don't have to.

I'm rambling a bit here.
What am I trying to say?

Clichés about the road
can be concussive,

but it doesn't
make them conclusive.

Let's get the old guy
in the front

to watch you choke me.

It can grind you down
or deliver you home.

And which would it be
for our Marginal Mystery Tour

back in the bosom of
the nifty 50 United States?

Digitally,
there was some optimism,

as somewhere between
the P Diddler

and Chipotle's new
Adobo Ranch sauce,

The Vampire Lestat found
itself momentarily trending.

Cell phone footage
of yours truly went viral

as both irrefutable proof
of the cloud gift

and deepfake Antichrist.

More red meat for Reddit.

But a shot in the arm
for your front man,

distracted by a lingering muse
and the sudden disappearance

of the Vampire Sofia.

I would later find out
the hits were

predominantly bots paid for

out of a Talamasca
discretionary fund.

Should your
privileged purse strings

become interested in pursuing
the actual truth

of our recent
apocalyptic adversities,

look no further than
that watchful order

of the river of discreet money
flowing in dark directions.

Nonetheless,
I was in my grand brat phase,

with more gigs in the rearview
than the road ahead.

[sighs]

[upbeat music]

And our bus never
stopped for gas.

We ran on bots and abandonment.

[sirens wailing]

[frantic chatter]

-Take this sh*t.
-Dump that sh*t. Be careful.

Don't get it on the floor.

[frantic chatter continues]

Just dump it. Just dump it.

-Ew. Ew!
-You need this sh*t?

Can I eat this one too?

[dog barking]

Let me guess, 71 in a 65?

You want to tell me what's
in that bowl right there?

-That's cocaine.
-He exercises his...

right to remain silent.

You mind repeating that
for the body cam?

Oh, the body cam,
democracy's compact mirror,

which is funny,
because that was a joke,

because this is actually, um,
powdered makeup.

[dog barking]

Delilah doesn't bark at makeup.

I'm gonna have you all
step outside now.

You'll need
a judge's warrant, so...

Why don't you take a seat?

Come, Delilah. Take a seat.

Delilah was right.

It is cocaine.

We are a rock band.

And we need it
to do our job properly,

just as you need your firearm

and your expansive
interpretation

of the Fourth Amendment
to do your job properly.

-Lestat, that's...
-That's her line.

I stole it from her.
She is a very good lawyer.

Now, you do

one of the most difficult jobs
in our society.

You see humanity at its worst
every shift you take.

And I can only imagine
how that affects your judgment

and your home life.

It does.

If it were up to me,
I would not allow

anybody who puts on the uniform

to work more than


Thank you.

This arrest would go poorly.

The blood tests that
you would administer on me

would be weird.

Get the body cam.

And your precinct would be
put in harm's way.

-You look very pretty now.
-Yeah.

You go be
the rough man standing,

ready to do violence
on our behalf.

Officer Giloogly
took a week off.

TC thought for the first time,
maybe she could be a vampire.

Larry wished his brother
could have been there.

And on a computer hard drive
in a public library

somewhere on the eastern seaboard,

a manifesto waited patiently.

We were on the devil's road now,

hurtling towards end times.

["All Fall Down"]

♪♪

♪ I'm the little k*ller ♪

♪ I'm the lonely one ♪

♪ I'm the chill
creeping up your spine ♪

♪ Telling you to run ♪

♪ I'm a hanging shadow ♪

♪ I'm a lost love ♪

♪ I'm the past and the future ♪

♪ The last of the sutures,
the cooing dove ♪

♪ We're the rock and rollers ♪

♪ We're the good time ♪

♪ We're the heart
pumping blood ♪

♪ We're the face in the mud ♪

♪ We're this stupid rhyme ♪

♪ Bang, bang - ♪ Bang, bang ♪

♪ Bang, bang, bang, bang,
bang, bang ♪

♪ All fall down ♪

♪ Burn the ground ♪

♪ All fall down ♪

♪ Burn the ♪

♪ Bang, bang - ♪ Bang, bang ♪

♪ Bang, bang - ♪ Bang, bang ♪

♪ Bang, bang, bang, bang,
bang, bang ♪

Do you hear that, Armand?

[static crackling]

You are listening
to "The Failures,".

Album 33, Side B.

[gentle piano music]

-Service stations.
-Travel plazas.

Off the Autobahn
they're called Raststatte.

On the devil's road,
these liminal spaces

have no name,

for the occupants are not aware

they need rest or service.

What can I get you?

Hi. What can I get you?

Menu? Coffee?

Anything to drink?

Louis du Lac or Thomas Pitt

or he who licenses
and franchises the night

was more feared than wanted now.

And he could do his business
wherever he wanted.

And being in
the same space with her

was satisfying
in a way the destruction

of the Vampire Bruce was not.

He told himself
he was in control.

We all did that year.

Best thing to do with our burger

is let it cool till the grease
is all soaked, bread's all wet.

-I'm getting to it.
-All right.

Well, Chef gets all aggy when
plates come back untouched.

♪♪

[bell dings] That's better.

Now you know
you shouldn't eat here.

[laughs]

-Regina!
-[bell rings]

Bethnal Green?

-Hackney?
-Piss off. Hackney?

Homerton?

What do you know about East?

I got a place in Marylebone.

Exactly, you posh boy.

Get Hackney
off the tube map, did you?

You ever even stepped foot
in zone two?

Miss, I think that's mine.

Mine till I give it to you.

[soft rock music playing]

Burn your mouth you eat it now.

What you doing in Brooklyn?

You're here three times
in five nights,

Marylebone,
with your cashmere sweatsuit.

You a student?

I'm a waitress.

And my a*s ain't on the menu,

but it does cost, so tip better.

-You can afford it.
-Oh, no.

No, no. You got me wrong.

I'm, uh, spoken for.

Oh, you're g*y.

g*y, g*y, g*y.

Burn my a*s up. You're g*y.

You order burgers.
You don't like burgers.

You're a riddle, Thomas Pitt,
or just cheap rich.

And you know, it's, like,
essentially, like,

a middle school cheer
with the big crowd claps

on the Roland for the back beat.

-Lyrics?
-Working on some.

[chuckles]
That's my little pizza vampire.

Just show... sing him a song.

All right.

-From the... from the verse?
-No, no, from the chorus.

-Go from the...
-It's weird.

-It's wild, man.
-One, two, one, two, three!

♪ Big bus ♪

♪ Drink a little cup ♪

♪ Big bus ♪

♪ You better watch out ♪

♪ 'Cause he is hungry ♪

♪ And his name is Lestat
It'll rhyme better.

I mean, it's all, like,
gigs and gas and gear

and sharing a shitter
with Salamander.

But, you know...

♪ Oh, snap, la, la, la,
la, la, la ♪

Wait, really? Are you serious?

-It'll make more sense.
-No, no, no, no, no, no.

-Wait, hold on.
-Dude, yes.

Like... ♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

BGVs on the choruses.

Literally, they're like...
♪ The 1, 7, 3, 4 ♪

♪ Or the 1, 3, 4, 6 ♪

Seventh is better.

Than you can set it up
on the verses with an A, maybe.

All the verses on an A
with the turnaround on G,

like they're flipping their
ponytails before every line.

Stop it! That's so cute.

We're talking
to two of the majors.

Why would I tell you that?

Lover.

Sony? Warner?

[whispering] Forebody.

Who?

FixBarrel, Rylo Pi,
The Bethanys.

Rylo's tight.

I like offers.

He doesn't like The Bethanys?

Both: ♪ Show us your t*ts! ♪

Your singer.

f*ck' hell. Jesus.

sh*t, and you die.

If vampires k*ll
and Jesus saves,

what does the Vampire Messiah
owe the world?

Ooh.

A playful handbag,
and a lie told well.

Where is Sofia?

No idea. Do you miss her?

I was making a play,
but Czechstat jumped the line.

He's been glum ever since
you rolled the pony

and Christine stuck him
in that Chevy Malibu.

Why don't you just use
the mind gift?

Oh, telepathy takes energy,
as you know, Dan,

and I save all mine
for Wor-Chester, Massachusetts.

-Worcester.
-Wor-Chester.

Worcester.

Wor-chest-ester.

Worcester, Massachusetts.

-Ridiculous.
-[phone pings]

Oh, look, she's getting
her twat lasered

by a Mi'kmaq in Bar Harbor.

It's Mi'kmaw.

Mi'kmaq is the whole people.

Oh, thank you, Fareed.

-Are you getting this?
-We're good, we're good.

She's gonna meet us in Albany.

Sloppy thirds
for the Vampire Bourdain.

Let's talk about your mother.

My mother?

Gabriella?

Mm.

Why let the past
stay in the past?

I welcome the dead.

Cool.

Let's see what failures
we can pin on dear old mom.

Not much left to tell,
I'm afraid.

She took like Nicky did.

A great love.

Not your first love.

We left the theatre
to your maker

and stole away by carriage.

She stopped talking
almost immediately.

Once we're there,
wherever there is,

we are fallen French nobles.

A lesser family,
an obscure name.

Coligny, Courcillon.

Who escaped the guillotine
by fleeing to the...

The Dutch Republic.

Which is known for...

-Very little.
-[both laugh]

We can go wherever we want.

We can be whoever we want.

Skittish letter carriers
one night

and dashing highwaymen the next.

We forgot one thing.

That is?

The roof and the two coffins
strapped to it.

[both laugh]

People will be curious.

We can say we're undertakers.

And then
they will ask questions,

and we will risk exposure.

We'll have to k*ll them.

[both laugh]

No, no, no. I know.

We will say, that is
our dear departed Uncle Marius,

who was bored to death
by our tart nephew, Armand.

And what of
the other coffin, Madame?

Hmm. Um...

Then we will have to k*ll them.

[both laugh]

My mortal mother was vibrant.

As a vampire, she was remote.

She could not function.

By "function," you mean what?

She would not hunt.

I had to carry her to coffin.

She used the last of her
energies to write me a note.

"Leave me in a clearing.
Leave me to the day."

I always did
what my mother asked.

A mama's boy.

[seagull calls]

Are you close
to your mother, Fareed?

She passed.

Were you there when she died?

I was on a plane
on the way to see her.

My sister told me when I landed.

[brakes hiss]

And where were you
when your daddy k*lled you

on an airplane, Dan?

On your way to see
your daughters, your Alice,

or just your book agent?

-Did you eat his watermelon?
-[indistinct chatter]

-No way!
-[screaming]

[laughter and cheering]

-Hey. Oh.
-Good to see you.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, good.

♪ Come on, come on ♪

Didn't want to believe it.

Oh, my God.

-You snake.
-Hey, singer.

Are you gonna stop bitching now?

You were missed.

Ah, the piece of sh*t
brothers are back.

You are listening
to "The Failures,".

Album 37, Side A.

[rock music]

Rosenthal!

Apuzzo!

Farrow!

♪ This song is called ♪

♪ My sister's portrait ♪

Come on. Come on.

Greenwald!

[muffled music]

♪♪

[muffled clattering and chatter]

Hello, Daniel.

It's me.

Hi, Dad.

I can only imagine your anger...

Stop!

Turn around.

Walk in the opposite direction

until you're halfway around
the world.

Once there, find a radioactive
storage facility

and, as is your way,
as*h*le your way inside

and see if the workers
will give you a couple

of spent fuel rods to suck on.

Do that for however long
it takes

until your eyes begin to cave in

and your d*ck falls off.

After that, lose my number.

After that, f*ck off!

[pins clatter]

[indistinct chatter]

I have been enduring intense
conversation with myself.

And as part of this journey,
I wish to read you

something I have written from
the deepest regions of my soul.

"Dear Daniel, of all things
that walk the garden,

"it is you I have done
the most harm to,

and it is to you I"...

-Wait, wait, wait.
-[laughs]

Are you doing the Steps?

Oh, my God. [laughs]

"I know this is


-Wait a minute.
-What group would have you?

What, the Pseudologia Pensioner
f*ck for Sobriety?

-"I know when we first met"...
-Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

I've done this myself once.

Let me try.

"Hey, Son. Dad here.

"Sorry about the deadbeat,
no-child-support vibe

"I've been giving off
for the past two years.

"Sorry about k*lling you
on a private jet.

"I probably could have waited
till you crossed the GW,

"but no,
your vampire birth certificate

"resides in f*cking Newark.

"Oh, oh, oh, and one more thing,

"you're not gonna get any
of my special vamp skills

"because my blood sucks.

"And oh, by the way,

"I'm a friendless
bottom twink sociopath.

"Sorry about Dubai.

"Sorry about San Francisco.

"And hey, a big-time sorry

"about every second
in your life in between...

"the two divorces,

"the blackout years
at Knight Ridder,

"the five trips to rehab,

"the year listening to Phish.

"Yeah, that's all on me.

"But hey, boyo,
you have to admit

"that it really does all
boomerang 'round

"at Castro Street

"and your weekend
at Mengele's, doesn't it?

"I'm really sorry
about that, Danny.

"It was my job to put you
out of your misery.

"But, hey, when a bucket
of Louisiana fried chicken

"walks into the room and says,
'Stop, ' well, what can I say?

"I'm just a 500-year-old p*ssy.

Oops!"

Pick up the tab, will you, Pops?

[mellow music playing]

♪♪

Done some googling.

You're, like, the 566th
richest man in the world,

according to wealth aggregator.

-Am I?
-[chuckles]

So is Marylebone
all pussyfoot humble?

How's your bank account, Zone 2?

Put it like this.

Ceiling tiles fell off
the ceiling in my flat

and, like, mice fell out.

Lucky it's mice, not rats.

And wires fell dangling down
in the living room.

Had to duct tape
the electronics to the wall.

Had a few mod hopes
for New York,

but so far it's been, like,
six flatmates and one toilet.

And it's like,
do I take my tampon out

in front of the podcaster
been with us since Tuesday?

Meanwhile, man's living
at the top of Domino Square

and owns, like,
naff Dracula hotels

with coffin wallpaper.

-[laughs]
-I got a mixed set of holdings.

And I got a mixed set
of punters,

but you're the only one
watching me like I'm Netflix.

Oh.

If I'm bothering you...

Regina.

It's just,
you've been helping me,

just... just being you.

You caught me at a lonely hour.

And I don't want
to put this on you.

Sure, you do.

It's right there, in your jaw.

What is it?

I remind you of your sis?

We got to do something
about your mice problem.

Let's talk about that.

Or is it,
your year-three teacher

hanged herself at school,
and you found her

with her legs all stiff?

In a million guesses,
you would not guess.

You're asking?

I'm asking.

Regina!

You know this book?

Seen it, I think.

Horror book?

No, it's real.

There's a girl in it.

What happened to her?

♪♪

Sorry.

[choral singing]

♪♪

Will we hear the church bells

over their wine-drunk hearts
echoing off the walls?

Have you lost
your monk's teachings, Master?

The bells are silent
on Holy Saturday.

Beneficent whipping
and no soup served.

The lesson did not hold,
it seems.

How many hearts do you hear
in the dwelling?

[hearts thumping]





The procession makes it hard
to keep the numbers.



There's a card game upstairs.

Three more.

And two in the cellar.

In flagrante delicto.

On Holy Saturday, no less.

Mm.

[clears throat]

Did you come here as a girl?

Never.

Passed by
in my horse-drawn cage,

wrapped head to foot
in black lace,

veil over my eyes,
bible in my hands.

Oh.

-Marius approaches.
-[chuckles]

-Mi scusi, signora.
-Hmm, si?

[speaking Italian]

Ah.

I'm not a Vecce anymore.

Not a marquise, not a wife,

not a mother, not a woman.

What, then?

I'm a fever
that comes in the night

and kills by the morning.

["Plastic Fiends"]

The Christ is thirsty.

So was he clutching Jesus
while you sucked him off?

I believe we left plaster savior

in the corner facing the wall.

It was Holy Saturday, after all.

Great.

I think we're decidedly sold
on your sexual fluidity.

Dan's still angry
about a little trick

I played on him
the other night, Andrew.

It is Andrew, right? Huh?

Andrew Miliken,
Forebody Records.

Well, I didn't trash
a $50,000 car afterwards.

-Maybe you're still angry.
-[laughs]

It was a gift, Dan,
from one vampire to another.

It was not for our film.

I don't need your gift.

Missing the psychodrama
of Dubai?

Do you want me to play dumb
like your maker

and pretend
you're two steps ahead of me?

So what, this guy's,
like, your sponsor?

I'm not really using
that word, you know?

I talk to him, like,
every other night.

And he's... [laughs]

This is gonna sound
like a can of corn.

I like corn.

He's like a god.

Mm.

Gods and record deals

popping up like crazy right now.

I don't think mine can float.

But all that sh*t
I was carrying,

I was putting
onto other people, onto you,

this guy erased it all, brother.

So what's this god's name?

-Now, that...
-that I gotta keep.

The thought never
crossed your mind, Dan?

-No.
-No?

[laughs]

What was his reasoning, again?
Love?

Armand could not read your mind

because he was sitting
two feet from Louis.

You were 5,000 feet from
Louis after you dropped him.

That was love, right?

♪♪

Tell me, Andrew, why does
the undead need antibodies?

-Cut, cut, cut.
-OK, all right.

Cool. No bullshit.

I didn't know you were alive
three days ago.

I haven't been alive
for 265 years.

I watched the video.

He watched the levitation video.

Did a deep dive on the band,
the Beautiful Unwell,

flew here to Albany,
playing "Long Face,".

"Plastic Fiends,"
and "Loneliness"

in a loop on my Beats.

Saw the show. [line ringing]

It's impossible.

Saw the fans waiting
outside the hotel.

Impossible.

I saw the protesters
outside the hotel.

♪ You, now sing it with me ♪

[vocalizing] [line ringing]

♪♪

[screaming]

♪♪

Real promotion
and real market infiltration.

If Dee says it's a yes,
then it's a yes.

The person you are calling
is unavailable.

-Please leave a message.
-Hello?

It's I.

I hope you're in a quiet yurt

with a view of the cell phone
tower you burned down.

I gather you are not
coming to Albany.

It's feeling somewhat,
Sofie-Ella,

deliberate.

[moaning]

[man speaking Italian]

[choking]

[moaning]

[breathing heavily]

I could hear you
through the walls.

And?

And it annoyed me!

And your annoyance

carried you out of your room,

through the courtyard,
and into my room?

When I k*lled the wolves

and you tended my wounds...

We were

mother and son.

And?

[waves crashing]

[whispering] I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

[waves crashing]

[distant sirens wailing]

Still the early riser, I see.

You are listening
to "The Failures,".

Album 40, Side B.

-How did you get in here?
-Where's my band?

The nomad Armand,

with passport stamps
from India, Venice,

Paris, San Francisco, Dubai,
he entered our tour

in diminutive disguise,
faded wallpaper,

waiting for lights to dim
so it could peel off

and suffocate you in the dark.

What are you doing here, Armand?

He would do more damage
than the Queen ever did.

I have been enduring intense
conversation with myself.

Uh-huh.

And as part of this journey,
I wish to read you

something I've written from
the deepest regions of my soul.

You have no soul.

Can I just read it?

"When I first encountered you
in Paris,

your dynamic personality
overwhelmed me."

Naturally.

"Knowing
your maker's temperament,

I should have led with patience
and with empathy."

Instead, you use my lover
as bait to draw me

and my mother into your
underground death orgy.

Yes.

I'm going to shower. Continue.

Siri, shower playlist. [beeps]

"When you helped me rebuild
the Paris coven

"with your visionary conceit
of a vampire theatre

whilst sharing
your body and blood..."

[clears throat]

"I artlessly assumed
companionship,

"which was, upon reflection,

wish-fulfilling delusion
rooted in childhood conflict."

[clears throat]

[gentle music playing]

"Your exit from Paris
and beyond generous endowment

you left us with was
graceful and sensitive..."

[chuckles]

[moans]

[clears throat]

"Graceful and sensitive.

"And I shamefully blamed
your mother.

"When I had the opportunity
to speak truth

"to Louis concerning
my involvement

in the matinée production of"...

Not a production,
an actual trial

with definitive sentences
of death.

"I retreated to cowardice
and was dumbfounded

"by your silence in the ruined
tower of your former maker.

"I walked the rest
of the century

"on a carpet of egg shells,
knowing at any moment

"you could reach out to Louis
and make him the wiser.

At first, I felt
it was you torturing me."

It was.

"Now I know
it was richness of character."

No.

It was t*rture.

I knew it would eat you alive

and, tangentially,
make Louis miserable.

And that is how I chose
to spend the latter half

of the 20th century.

I'm having a good time now.

But I see you,
and it suggests to me

that time is over.

Because you are
a f*ck cloud, Armand.

It's your nature.

Be who you are.

But be it on the other side
of the moon,

or k*ll yourself.

Siri, pause.

[music stops]

I'll leave the pages here.

Fine.

Oh, and one more thing, Lestat.

You want me
to stop playing music?

Yes.

The vampires are
listening to my songs.

They believe
that they can live as I do.

They're making too many.
The mortals won't allow it.

-The planet can't support it.
-Yes.

Hmm. I've got five more shows.

I'm getting bored, as I do.

You should come to one
before it's over.

I'm quite sexy.

[doorbell jingles]

[soft rock music playing]

♪♪

[dish clatters]

-You trying to get fired?
-[indistinct chatter]

So you were gonna be late
two hours anyway?

-I'm here. I'm sorry.
-It won't happen...

Yeah, happen again. I know.

It happens once a week, Regina.

-Stuck on the JMZ. Come on.
-Dock my pay.

[indistinct chatter]

Last time.

Train broke down between stops.

I'll Zelle you my tips. Sorry.

Hi.

You OK?

You missed a couple shifts.
I was worried.

You the one in the book?

I can help you.

I can explain.

-Yeah, Claudia.
-I look like her.

Yeah.

That's mental.

[scoffs] I know.

This is a lot.

Like, a lot, a lot.

I gotta switch to breakfast.

I can't stay anyway.

'Cause it's coming on morning?

Mm-hmm.

That's mental.

I've been here since 1:30.

I've been here since 1:30.

I just wanted to know
you were OK.

Oh, for the service.

Out the door.

Out.

-Yeah.
-Get out.

What's this, then?

You can have a different life.

-I know I can.
-I don't need you for that.

I looked you up online.

You're full stalking.

I found your OnlyFans,
criminal record,

credit card scams,
bouncing around Europe,

a stolen car in Amsterdam.

-I can help you.
-f*ck off...

-I can clean that for you.
-Posh.

-I can pay off your debts.
-I can get you an apartment.

Put on a yellow dress
and sit in your lap?

-No, no, none of that.
-Yeah, all of that.

"Here's the money.
Get in my Escalade.

Be my dead daughter."

Yeah.

Go turn into a bat
or whatever the hell it is.

I've got enough sh*t in my life.

I do not need more.

Are there any readers
in the audience tonight?

[cheers and applause]

Have you come across
this 2023 bodice ripper?

Dubbed "an irritating hoax,

bound for flash-in-the-pan
status" by "Vanity Fair,"

and "a thong-busting
steamy beach read

for the c*ck let-sucking
Fire Island set"

by "Out Magazine"?

[rim shot plays]

Well, we are the tribute band

spawned by that
literary mountaintop.

[cheers and applause]

Unless, of course,
Louis de Pointe du Lac was

interviewed by a two-time.

Pulitzer Prize-winning mortal
in Dubai,

and I am actually
the toxic b*tch,

anxiously-attached show pony
with a personality disorder

called Lestat!

[laughs]

Any vampire truthers out there?

Stans of "IWTV,"

we have a very special guest
in the audience tonight.

Please follow my finger

to the French Bengali
smoke show.

Can we get a torch?

The Maître of Paris.
[woman screaming]

Look deep into
his "uwu" Japanime eyes

as he mind-c*ck you
off a cliff.

The shapeshifter,
the sophisticate,

the Vampire Armand!

[wild cheering]

[cymbal crashes]

[laughs]

Despite what you've been sold,

we are friends, he and I.

[audience "awws"]

He did a brave thing
for me once.

And I have grown
to respect Armand

and his staunch defense
of the five Great Laws.

No vampire shall ever reveal

his or her true nature
and let that mortal live!

-[audience booing]
-Armand told the truth!

[sighs]

We wrote a song for you, Armand.

[cheers and applause]

And it's the first time
we are playing it live.

[cheers and applause]

["Big Boss" playing]

♪ Hey, Big Boss
on the Champs-Elysées ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ Are you having
a bad hair day? ♪

♪ Hey, Big Boss
with the sad sashay ♪

♪ Are you mad or do you always
look that way? ♪

♪ I know that life is cruel ♪

♪ But my God, those nails ♪

♪ You a beggar for gruel ♪

♪ Or a rag doll for sale? ♪

♪ I know that life is cruel ♪

♪ But you should
get your face did ♪

♪ You got a lot of rules
for a theater kid ♪

♪ Let's go - ♪ One ♪

♪ Only the Big Boss
gets to have fun ♪

-♪ Two.
-♪ If you're a boo-boo ♪

♪ Then he doesn't want you ♪

♪ Three ♪

♪ Oh, don't you dare
write down his history ♪

♪ Four - ♪ If you know him ♪

♪ Then you won't know
much more ♪

♪ Five - ♪ Only the Big Boss

♪ Gets to decide ♪

♪ Who dies and who stays alive ♪

♪ Big Boss got a big, big head ♪

♪ Big Boss wants
to get you in bed ♪

♪ Big Boss is
a total blah-blah ♪

♪ His kisses put me in a coma ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Big Boss
in the shadows tonight ♪

♪ Big Boss cruising
the streets, all right ♪

♪ Big Boss is a total wah-wah ♪

♪ He asked me, was it good? ♪

♪ I said, come ci, com me ça ♪

♪♪

♪ Hey, Big Boss ♪

[muffled traffic and sirens]

Stop it.

-Stop it.
-What?

You know what.

Everyone gone.

You hear them,
but you can't see them.

Yes.

Stop it!

I cannot.

It happens to me too.

It's happening right now.

Bullshit. Get out of my head.

I am your maker!

I cannot get into your head
any longer!

[bell dings]

What is that? What is this?

Our vampire bond, I think.

That's f*cked.

[chuckles] Yes, it is.

[soft piano music]

Why are you here?

♪♪

You are courting
great danger with Lestat.

Him? He's just an as*h*le.

There are nearly enough
of us now,

each a body a night,
each turning one a week.

More deaths than births.

The Great Conversion.

It's happening, Daniel.

And he's going to lead it
and get us all k*lled.

Was Dubai bullshit?

What?

Me breaking you down.

You knew everything
the whole time, didn't you?

-It was just theater.
-No.

No.

I swear.

It was love.

I'm a vamp now.

Loving Louis
doesn't shut it off.

It wasn't my love
for Louis, Daniel.

But it was love.

♪♪

So when she's not here
and he's not here,

am I third in the queue?

Did I beat Antoinette?

[line ringing]

The person you are calling...

She only gave you a finger.

-Please leave a message.
-[laughs]

Hello, Gabs, it's me.

I just wanted you to hear this.
[wild cheering]

That's the sound of 1,000 loud,

moaning, sobbing,
nipple-hardening,

prick-popping,
white-fire worship.

And I left the stage


[laughs] Thanks for the pop-in.

I'll see you next century.

Actually, f*ck you.

Let's skip it.

Cabbage, cabbage, cabbage.

Dee Dee and Joey sang,
touring was never boring.

Perry, Schon, and Cain
took the midnight train.

♪♪

[fans cheering]

[chuckling]

♪ The wheels on Lestat ♪

♪ Go me, me, me ♪

♪ Me, me, me ♪

♪ Me, me, me ♪

♪ The wheels on Lestat ♪

♪ Go me, me, me ♪

♪ All... ♪

♪ Come to me ♪

Hey, friend.

[g*nf*re] [screaming]

He can't die like this!
He's a vampire!

Wake up, people!
They're everywhere!

They're everywhere,
all around us! Wake up!

[sharp music]

[indistinct panicked chatter]

f*cking help!

[soft orchestral music]

♪♪

[waves crashing]

Narrow, fully rigged.

I can almost see its cargo.

It's an opium clipper.

Keeper, you should really
light that lamp now.

[chuckles]

Oh, keeper's not feeling well.

Roll back a single decade,
we're living mortal lives.

The cabbage years.

And then...

The devil's road...

prowling, feeding,
sharing a coffin.

But where in 50 years?

Where in 100?

Some far-flung city,

everyone traveling
by balloon, maybe.

It's an endless garden.

You put Armand's ghouls onstage.

That was something, I guess.

But it wasn't evil.

[chuckles] What, then, is?

Dante's hell.

But not in the mouths
of priests.

Out in the world,
feeding in the streets,

an evil that answers goodness.

Shall we do it?

Shall we scorch
the mortal world?

-Decimate it...
-brothers impaling brothers,

mothers throttling their babes,

all writhing on the ground,

till no light remains,
no hope of light,

and we, the devils, rule.

Together, as dark monarchs,

intertwined for all eternity.

♪♪

[distant shouting and crashing]

Dinner.

[sweeping dramatic music]

♪♪

[doorbell jingles]

[soft bluesy music playing]

♪♪

In the neighborhood?

No.

Can't stay away?

Yeah.

Chef's pushing Chicken Parm.

OK.

Got loud with you last time.

No, it's my fault.

$1,000?

That's bus fare for you.
What's not a bus fare?

$100,000?

Five times that.

♪♪

[in New Orleans accent]
What now, Daddy Lou?

[soft guitar music playing]

Vampires do not live
symbiotically with humanity.

They do not share in the daily
struggle of human life.

Instead, they feed,
siphoning away our vitality

in order to extend their own
unnatural existence.

But if we are their fuel,
are we not also their strength?

♪ My older brother ♪

♪ Tried to teach me
with his fist ♪

♪♪

♪ I never learned that lesson ♪

♪ I gave up our confession ♪

♪ By candlelight ♪

♪ You used to teach me
how to kiss ♪

♪♪

♪ I thought we made it out ♪

♪ And I know
you had your judgment ♪

♪ Why won't you let me
bring you flowers ♪

♪ Like I used to cheer you up? ♪

♪ Like I used to cheer you up ♪

♪ Like I used to cheer you up ♪

[waves crashing]

[gasps]

[humming]

♪♪

[brakes hissing]

You called. I came.

[scoffs]

I called you many times,
Fledgling.

Oh.

We're feeling pity
for ourselves, are we?

-I'm quite at peace, actually.
-Heading home to Montreal.

Sink the bus
in the St. Lawrence,

where the whales
can make love to it

while I take up
crafting or coding

or whatever will sail me
through the coming

robot apocalypse.

Did Armand break down and weep

over your biting diss track?

Did your assassin misspell
your name in his manifesto?

I left my wit in Philadelphia.

Free my driver. Go away.

You quit?

Everyone quit.

Mass shootings can be
quite persuasive, Gabs.

What about your fans?

They have their clips
and tattoos and something

new and triggering
around the corner

to serve their unwellsomeness,
I'm sure.

I am not talking about that.

It's over!

You abandoned me!

For a week.

For nine days!

And it did not feel
like nine days!

Grow up!

Where were you?

And don't say you were dipping
a toe in the Rio Pascua.

I was with the voices.

What voices?

Let's have a listen.

[soft music]

[muffled voices chattering]

Why do you come back?

Why won't you let me hate you?

Shh.

You've been hearing them.

Yes.

You've been reaching them.

Yes.

And I want not to reach them.

They are lost and angry
and tired of enduring.

Your music speaks to them.

They long for a communion.

No, I sing songs, Mother.

Eight wolves.

[dramatic music]

♪♪

A poignant tableau,

conspiring mother
advising a distraught son.

And you'll get no argument here

if you were to interrupt
and say, Lestat,

an excellent time to end it.

What words did she conjure up

to turn me and that bus
back around, you ask?

Hmm. I'll never do them justice.

Instead, let me paraphrase
a more eminent vampire

caught in a similar situation.

[clears throat]

It is difficult to explain
how her words disarmed me,

how efficiently succinct
and impenetrable

her argument was.

[laughing]

♪♪

[sighs]
You had to be there, I guess.

♪ I need a mean, mean mom ♪

♪ I need a ravenous queen ♪

♪ Give me
that long, dark death ♪

♪ To feed the future machine ♪

["Nothing to Lose" playing]

♪♪

Listen to tracks
from "The Vampire Lestat"

wherever you stream music.

-1, 2, 3, 4!
-Are we ready?

Are we ready? Are we ready?!

♪ Oh, liar, liar ♪

♪ Your skin's on fire ♪

♪ How can I love you
if you don't love yourself? ♪

Come.

Armand said that
you were destroyed.

[Glass shatters]

I missed you, brother.

I missed you too, sis.

Again. [screaming]

Lestat and Sofia.

I knew her as Gabrielle.

Why did you leave me?

♪ I'm the big bad wolf ♪

♪ I need an XXX

♪ Feel the desert inside ♪

♪ Give me that up, up, down ♪

♪ I got nothing to hide ♪

♪♪

♪ I bit the head off a snake ♪

♪ Got a venom heart ♪

♪ Give me that antidote ♪

♪ Before it tears me apart ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪