01x55 - Episode 55

[bunniefuu]

- Vernon.
- What the devil

possessed you to come here?

LESLIE:
Eva climbing on that bike,

tailing Laura.

And then she just forces Laura

right off the road.

Everything you need
to put her away.

You do your worst,
and I'll do mine.

We'll see who comes out ahead.

No matter what happens,

you will never be
a part of the Dupree family.

Play your cards right,
and we'll have you half-naked

before you know it.

[laughs]

Boomshakalaka! [grunts]

- Oh, yeah, uh-huh.
- The '80s called, babe.

They want their
dance moves back.

No, if you don't
stop doing that,

I'm gonna pretend
I don't know you.

You cannot k*ll my vibe.

I cannot lose.

Maybe you should go stand
by their table

and some of that luck
could rub off on you.

Can you just keep it down?

Doug, you need
to figure out some way

to pay me back.

Otherwise, I'm going
into the real estate business

with that magnificent wife
of yours.

A change of location
won't change

the fact
that your heart is broken.

As much as I would make
one pretty commission

on that house of yours.

Of course you're furious at Ted.

I'm furious at Ted.

You need a minute to process

before you upend
your whole world.

Derek?

Ash, hey.

What are y--? What are
you doing back home so early?

Can you turn that down?

Our upstairs neighbors
are gonna call in

a noise complaint.

I was cleaning.

You cleaned?

It does...

look and smell nice in here.

Thought you were gonna head
straight to work

after you ran your errands.

Did you miss me?

I always miss you.

But I left my lunch
in the fridge.

Thanks for straightening up,
though.

- That was sweet.
- Yeah.

I heard you earlier, and I...

I felt like I did some
kind of bait and switch on you.

You-you were expecting
your perfect boyfriend,

and instead you...
you got a big slob.

Sorry.

You're always
the perfect boyfriend.

I just have to ignore
the moose head in the closet.

Well, we've never fought
like that.

So now we can reset.

I want that, too.

Only, do you mind
if we eat while I reset?

If I miss my window,
I'm going to lose steam

before the end of my shift.

Sure. Of course.

No, I-I've seen you
when you get hangry.

It's not pretty.

But you are.

What the hell happened
to my fridge?

Did you invite
Freddy Krueger over?

♪ ♪

Ah, yeah.

Thanks for letting me know
it was her birthday

- in the first place.
- Yeah.

That stings.

Don't even know
my own daughter's birthday.

Hey. Well, that's on the mother.

I went straight
to the witch's cave earlier.

I wanted to make sure I wasn't
stepping on any plans for Eva.

Hey, you really are
always trying to do

the stand-up thing, aren't you?

Eh, except when I really,
really didn't.

I just don't want Eva

caught in between us, you know?

Damn, that woman gets
more twisted by the second.

Wait, what did she do now?

Well, Dana-- or Leslie,

whatever she's calling herself--

is blaming Eva for everything.

As if she's not
the architect of all of this.

Did the Richardsons put you
up to this?

The Richardsons have
nothing to do with this.

I'm just doing my job,
Ms. Thomas.

Just answer some questions and
you can get back to your day.

About what?

Laura Peterson's car accident.

Yes. Nicole's assistant.

Yeah, I only know about Laura,

and...
mm, I'm terrible with names.

I'm sure that can be difficult
when you go by so many of them.

Leslie, Sherri, Anna.

Oh, surely that's not a crime.

Let's get back to Ms. Peterson.

You do know why she's no longer

the assistant
to Dr. Richardson, yes?

She was involved
in a hit-and-run incident

with a motorcycle a month ago.

Oh, yes, of course,
I know about what happened

to that poor girl.

Yeah.

And I think I know
what all of this is about.

You do?

Nicole's little b*tch
of a daughter

ratted me out, didn't she?

I think I finally found
a way to deliver us from Eva.

And, no, I didn't forget what
I said after I talked to my dad.

I was temporarily delulu.

I have proof
from the evil mom-ster hersel--

[gasps]
Who do you think you are?!

Sorry. My bad.

Hey, Kat.

Oh, crap.

Chelsea's gonna think I was
m*rder*d at the valet stand.

Hi, Chels,
I just ran into someone.

I'll call you later.

Sorry about that, again.

I like to get a quick workout in

on my break between depositions.

Is that--
is that your full apology?

Did you forget you blew me off
for lunch the other day?

You never came back.

I waited for you.

I came back, and there you were,

all over Eva.

Wait.

You saw me with Eva?

And then you left?

Well-- I...

I went to take a walk
around the block to cool off.

Then when I got back,
you both were gone.

I had to go back to work,
remember?

I took a second break
out of my day, which I hope

didn't get noticed
by my super-demanding boss

to see you again
and to make sure you were okay.

As for Eva?

Look, I wasn't gonna ignore her

just because you asked me
to promise not to see her again.

You had your hand on hers.

It looked intimate.

She's a human being.

I was just comforting her.

So you were both just
overwhelmed by your humanity?

Look, I'm not defending Eva,

but that doesn't mean she wasn't

incredibly upset
about what her mother did.

Well, does her
newfound conscience

apply to what she did?

Does it apply
to attempted m*rder?

Yeah.

Eva tried to k*ll someone.

How human is she now?

Kat Richardson told you
about our little conversation?

- I did speak to her, yes.
- Mm.

Well, she wants revenge
against me and my daughter, Eva.

You can't possibly believe
a single word she says.

What about your words?

Can I believe any of those?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

LESLIE:
I bet...

that you can see
in your mind's eye

everything, right, doll?

Eva climbing on that bike.

Tailing Laura.

Speeding up

with that helmet
hiding her face.

And then she just forces Laura
right off the road.

Now.

Let's try this again.

From the sound of it,
you shifted the blame

for the hit and run
to your daughter.

Hey, I got your message.

Hey, Eva.

How could you not tell me?

Tell you what? I swear
I haven't done anything else.

This isn't something
you've done.

This is something
I haven't gotten to do.

Something we've missed.

I can't believe I'm saying this
for the first time,

but... happy birthday, Eva.

Dealer, hit me, baby,
one more time.

Oh, no, we're quoting
Britney Spears.

Heaven help us all.

- PAMELA: Please!
- DANI: I need you to look

at this big pile of chips

and think of it
as one month's rent

for a modeling agency.

That sounds
not in the least bit sexy.

You know what's really not sexy?

Losing.

House always wins.

Walk away before it does.

- Come on.
- She's right.

She's very smart.

Kind of like your very own
morality play, isn't it?

So what's it gonna be?

PAMELA:
♪ Keep smiling.♪

You're so pretty.

I'll take your silence as a no.

Doug, why didn't you
join the game?

Oh, you had plenty of fun
without me.

And you-- you had a good
game plan going on there.

- Thank you.
- So what are you doing here?

Sorry, I got to take this.

Sure.

See you later.

Well, I know it's last minute,
but you have to eat.

And I have a proposition
for you.

Well, of course,
it's 100% business.

What else would it be?

Where are you?

Uptown, perfect.

I'm on my way.

Well, your wife just said yes.

Hopefully not
for the last time today.

Care to join us?

Here, here, here.

The scratches?

What did you use, sandpaper?

- Uh, I--
- [sighs]

You can't use steel wool
on stainless.

I didn't know. I'm sorry.

The instinct was sweet,
but can we please

cease the cleaning
until we talk about it, okay?

Yeah.

Okay.

What happened to my lunch?

It was in a black plastic thingy
with a cover.

Oh, that smelled spoiled.

Oh, it was vindaloo curry.

Have no fear, it--

It's salvageable.

Okay, one.

I am not eating
out of the garbage.

But the container's sealed.
I've seen commercials.

You can put this in the ocean
and the insides won't get wet.

- It's science.
- And two--

That's not science.

And three, that container is
supposed to be reusable,

so we save money
and the environment.

Okay, so I-I'll wash it.

I-I'll buy you a new one.

I'll buy you a new fridge, too.

Derek, last time I checked,

we weren't
exactly rolling in it.

I can buff out the scratches.

I buff out scratches
on my Bronco.

Your Bronco is perfect

because you take care of it.

It's not your fridge, Ash.

It came with the apartment.

Exactly!

So it's gonna come out
of my security deposit,

and I'm the one that's gonna
have to look at those scratches,

which are
somehow invisible to you

for as long as we live here.

So why don't we speed that up?

What do you mean?

What I was talking about before.

We get out of here and...

move somewhere bigger where...
everything's scratch-free.

Have you thought of that?

Or do you not want that?

Hola, bella.

Hey, Diego.

How's tricks?

Like you care.

I actually have a date
with someone.

Who can actually
be seen with me.

Who's the lucky girl?

- Mm.
- [door closes]

- Hi, baby.
- Oh--

You told him.

And I hope
this is only the first

of many birthdays
we get to spend together.

Me too.

Yeah. Hey, happy birthday, Eva.

Thank you.

I wasn't expecting anything.

Hey, why don't we order

- and get
this party started, huh? - [phone chimes]

Ooh, one second.

Actually, I got to go
handle something.

Uh, do you two mind?

Something or someone?

Go handle your business.

Yeah, uh, rain check, but, uh,

you two enjoy your bonding time.

Mm-hmm.

Well, aren't you gonna open it?

What is it, Eva?

I don't want to ruin the dinner
you planned.

I stopped by your room earlier,
and it was open.

The maid was cleaning.

I was gonna leave you a note,

but there was already one
on your desk.

Nicole?

No, it was from Kat.

She wanted you to call her.

Said it was important.

Why would Eva's mother tell you,

of all people,

that Eva ran Laura Peterson
off the road?

I don't know.

Crazy is as crazy does.

But I got crazy on tape.

You recorded her?

On my phone.

I sent the recording to Jacob.

It's in the police's hands now.

And if there is any justice
in the world,

my cousin in law--
please, Jacob--

already has her in handcuffs.

She's the one
who should be arrested.

- Your daughter, Eva?
- No, not Eva.

That little witch Kat.

She should be arrested
for taping me.

And she did the same thing
before, with my daughter.

What is that called?
That's, uh...

What, entrapment?

It's legal in D.C.
to tape a conversation

as long as one party
gives consent.

And in this case,
Ms. Richardson gave her consent.

What kind of messed-up law
is that?

When the consenter
is also the perpetrator?

I mean, that's like waiving

overdraft fees
for a bank robber.

Look, it's not my job
to question the law,

but can we circle
back to the recording?

Are you admitting
for the record,

that your daughter, Eva Thomas,

forced Laura Peterson
off the road?

I didn't win at the casino,

but I'm winning right now.

How are you making it rain
right now?

Pam won almost every hand.

I had to convince her
to leave on a high note.

I wasn't winning,
but I wanted it for Pammy.

Okay.

- You're really good
to your friends. - Yeah.

They've had to be good to me.

And so have you.

I hope I didn't take you
away from anything.

No, I was with people.

But I said that I had to go take
care of some business, so...

- Well, hurry up, then.
- Okay.

Oh.

Come, follow me.

I saw you and I had to do that.

You had to kiss me?

Since when?

Let me explain.

Hello.

And what are
you proposing this time?

You weren't exactly receptive
last time.

You'd questioned
my extramarital activities

and my marriage.

I applauded your...

desire to have your needs met,

and I offered my services.

But you were in a quandary.

Now, if anything was ever
to happen between us,

I would want there
to be certain conditions.

If, Joey?

I never thought
you'd give up so easily.

You didn't let me finish.

I wouldn't want
there to be any confusion.

Only ecstasy.

I have the recording right here.

Listen for yourself.

No, thanks.

Why not?

There's no need.

I'm sure Eva's mother says
everything you say she says,

but I just don't
want to get in the middle.

So you deal in evidence,
but you won't listen to mine?

You don't want
what's on this tape

to taint your image of Eva.
[scoffs]

She's the poor little victim.

- It just makes me s--
- Look.

I'm not the judge
or the jury here.

But that account
is from a third party.

An untrustworthy
third party, at that.

So we don't know
if it's true or not.

And calling Eva a k*ller

without absolute proof
isn't very fair.

What if I called you
a spoiled brat?

Is that how you see me? Mm.

What I see

is that you're ambitious...

...and so smart and talented.

You can cut someone with a look

or the right string of words.

But you can also lift them up.

And then there's the obvious.

You're just so damn beautiful.

It's hard to be...

this close to you
and not want to...

[phone buzzing]

It went to voicemail.

Kat must be busy.

Wonder what she wanted
to talk about.

Hey, whatever it is,

it's not gonna get
in the way of celebrating you.

You painted quite
the picture on that tape.

And I can understand how
one might act out of character,

given the fraught
circumstances surrounding

you and your daughter's
arrival into town.

This is the place
to come clean, Leslie.

For Eva's sake.

I was just messing
with little Kit Kat.

I mean, she was going
around telling everyone

that we were the big bad wolves,

so I just gave her
what she wanted.

A picture

of who she should not mess with.

Is your daughter, Eva,
the big bad wolf?

Eva is incapable
of hurting anyone.

If you listen
to the rest of that tape,

you will hear that I told Kat

that there isn't
one shred of evidence

that ties Eva to this.

No witnesses, no motorcycle.

I mean, where would she even
hide a motorcycle?

And there is no video footage

of Eva on a motorcycle.

Because she had nothing
to do with that accident.

I have your own words, Leslie.

Well, in the absence of proof...

[chuckles]

...it's within my rights
to leave.

You're right.

I can't hold you.

However, I do have
one question before you go.

You and your daughter
both planned to take Ted down

together, and that hinged
on getting Laura Peterson

out of the way.

So the only question is,

which one of you two actually
was behind the helmet?

I took advantage of a situation.

I didn't create it.

Okay.

So where were you that night?

[sighs] Fine.

This is so annoying.

A person trying
to live her life,

minding her own business.

And here.

Let's see.
I was with Mona Wilson

and Jan Morgan at...

at Orphey Gene's
in the afternoon.

We were having lunch.

Oh. You know, you can call Mona.

She absolutely hates
my guts right now,

but she's
a sucker for the truth.

- I'll follow up with her.
- Mm.

But that just covers
the afternoon.

Where'd you go after lunch?

I...

don't know. I mean...

Work, I assume.

So if I call your employer,

will they be able
to confirm that?

Do I need to get a lawyer?

I don't know, Ms. Thomas.

You tell me.

Mm.

I forgot what a good kisser
you are.

I just kissed you
the other day at breakfast.

Am I that forgettable?

We were in a public place and...

you didn't kiss me like that.

Well, we're in
a public place now.

I don't see anyone around.

Mm.

Okay.

I guess it has been a minute.

It's somewhere between
the first kiss and this one,

we just stopped
kissing like that.

We've had some great dates
and we text all the time, but...

...we did lose
a little bit of momentum.

Is it because I'm a...

Virgin?

No.

That part's actually really nice

and refreshing to be able to...

take it slow with someone.

I don't want to be
about all this other stuff...

We should be taking this time

to really get to know
one another.

Well, um...

this tattoo is new to me.

How did you never
tell me about that?

It's usually
more show than tell.

Well, I really want to know.

I did not expect this to be

under all those

perfectly buttoned-up suits.

Did it hurt?

Yeah.

You know I put myself through
school by going to the Navy.

Mm-hmm.

That experience was a really

transformative one for me.

I didn't want it to go unmarked,

so I transformed myself,
in a way.

Hmm. I get that.

So you're not one
of those guys who got tattooed

in a drunken haze
and woke up to regret it?

Not at all.

For me, it was a really powerful

and magical experience.

Two things I wasn't.

But the Navy helped
make me feel that way.

Mm.

Do you hate it?

I love it.

And I am not usually
a tattoo girl.

But on you, it looks good.

Damn, girl.

sh**t. Move this way.

I'm glad you didn't have
any luck on that table.

I'm hungry.

You can't possibly be thinking

about food
while I'm lying here naked.

I've lost my touch.

Oh.

Oh, you really are.

Yeah, I'm naked.

Well, woman,
it's because of your touch,

that's why I need some strength.

So why don't we...

rinse off together

and then head over to Uptown?

Not there.

Pam was headed there.

Why don't we order in
and never leave this bed?

Then one of us would have to
get the food from the doorstep.

You go this time,
I'll go next time?

That's what you always say.

You don't want Pamela
to see us together, do you?

She would k*ll me
for not giving her the heads-up.

Plus, you know how people talk.

- Mm-hmm.
- Nicole would know

before we finished
our appetizers.

I don't want her
to find out that way.

I mean, Aunt Nicole is capable

of hating Uncle Ted,
but loving me?

Of course,
but if she sees us together,

it could feel
like another secret, you know?

Cool. Tell her yourself.

Hell, tell everybody.

Whoa.

It's-it's just...

timing.

Is it that or is you just don't
want anyone to know about us?

I wanted to give you a heads-up

about that Petworth property.

The one we discussed
as a possible joint venture.

The price has dropped.

It's a good time to strike.

- But--
- What's the catch?

I'd rather talk
about your blue eyes.

Well, they are not
on the market.

Oh.

I suppose that means the rest

of you
is off the market as well.

Yes.

But there may be
some availability

in the rental market.

I always advise my clients
that short-term properties

have their advantages.

Such as?

Well, the best thing
about a rental

is that you can be
as loud as you want.

Hmm.

Isn't it customary
for a potential buyer

to view the entire property?

I'm just one of those

that likes
to touch every surface.

Hmm.

A tour is customary.

We'd start in the kitchen and
work our way up to the bedroom.

[Doug clears throat]

Mind if I join?

DIEGO:
It's not what you think.

Oh.

You didn't just greet me
with your lips?

I was trying to make this woman
that I've been seeing jealous.

And there you were
with your lips.

Diego.

You do know that she's married,
don't you?

Even though she seems
to conveniently

forget that little detail.

But unlike you,
however, I like to keep

business and pleasure
in their proper lanes.

Separate and far apart.

I get it.

- I won't do it again.
- Good.

See that you don't.

Aha! I told you it'd work.

I mean, it took
a little patience, but...

look, scratch is gone.

It's as good as new.

I mean, it's not perfect, but...

you got to admit,
it's way less noticeable now.

I mean, you can barely see him.

Aren't you even gonna look?

I need to get back.

Okay, uh...

aren't you even gonna
look at me?

I don't want to fight, Derek.

Yeah, I-I don't either, but...

last week we're making plans,
and now, what,

you can't even look at me?

What? Fine. What?

I'm looking at you now.

Be honest, Ash.

Do you want a new place?

Our place?

I don't want a new place.

I...

I like my place.

That's not the problem.

But I'm the problem?

You can't just
buff the scratches out on me.

I'm not the fridge
or the Bronco.

So what?

Mistakes just aren't allowed?

Why don't you just say it?

You don't want me here.

You think that it's
a huge mistake that I moved in

and you want me out.

I want you here, Derek.
I love you.

I love you, too.

S-Since we love each other,

aren't we more important
than the fridge

or the contents of the fridge?

But you don't
have to clean those things!

Oh, God, that came out wrong.

I didn't mean that. Um...

I meant...

Look, everything here, I...

carefully picked.

And so when you don't care
about those things,

it feels like you don't care
about what I care about.

I care about you.

It's not supposed to be
this hard.

Maybe we moved in too fast.

Maybe we aren't ready.

We've-we've been together
for so long, Ash.

It's never been like this.

Honestly, it feels like

everything I do annoys you.

My breathing, my cleaning,
my stuff, I--

I'm trying.

That's not
how I want you to feel.

I can see it in your eyes.

I just need to know. Do--

do you think we don't
belong together at all?

I...

I'll take that as a yes.

This was gonna be the next step
before I proposed.

Before we get married,
have kids.

I guess it's better we
figure it out now before we...

hurt each other
even worse than this hurts.

I am not ashamed to be with you.

Look at you.

But I thought...

I thought we agreed
to keep things quiet.

You see anyone else
in this room?

This is quiet.

It's just you and me.

And me wanting to know
what's happening here.

- Well...
- Mm-hmm?

Andre...

When two people are, let's say,
highly compatible,

chemistry through the roof,
hormones doing the cha-cha,

et cetera, et cetera,
there's this fascinating

little thing called sex.

It's like a mutual hobby,
but sweatier.

Yeah, more entertaining
and very fulfilling.

And we do it very, very well.

Yeah. I'm just saying,
what else is there to us?

I-I didn't hear you
complaining earlier.

I mean, I'm not, but...

I also like you
when we're not having sex.

Is that unusual for you?

I mean, I hate to admit it,
but yeah.

Before, by now, I'd be...

feeling restless and ready
to make my next move.

But with you, it's...
it's different.

So what's stopping us from
taking this to the next level?

When I was with Bill...

...I gave him everything
that made me me.

To the point
that I didn't recognize myself.

I can't risk the abyss again.

You know I wouldn't
ask you to do that, right?

I know what a good man you are.

I need time to figure out
the kind of woman I am.

I need...

to keep us
where we are for right now.

Mm.

Does that make sense?

Yeah.

Yeah, of course.

You do you, hmm?

And I'll do you.

I'm gonna go.

Yeah.

Dr. McBride, what a surprise.

Shouldn't you be
at home resting your hand?

I'll be getting
this cast off early and then

our world will be
back to normal.

Joey and I were just talking
about a property.

V, uh, it's Deanna.

What is it?

First heartbreak.

She needs her mother.

My poor girl.

Joey, so sorry.

Oh, no. First love and all.

I leave it to the parents
to sort out.

Vanessa, remember
that property is hot.

I'd hate for you to miss out.

Good night.

I can't believe
Deanna didn't call me first.

Because she didn't call.

There is no heartbreak.

At least I hope there isn't.

Why don't we continue this
momentum over dinner tonight?

I'd love to--

Oh, sh**t.

I forgot. I have to go see
if Jacob hauled Eva in.

I suppose sending
your half-sister to jail

is more important
than dinner with me.

Tomas...

You said you wanted
to get to know me?

Well, this is me right now.

This is me until I make sure

Eva is out of our lives
for good.

And once she's gone,

then I can concentrate
on getting

to know the man with the tattoo.

Well, I'm here
whenever you're ready.

In the meantime,

I got to get back to work

and showered.

Are you-- are you mad at me?

I'm just wondering
when you'll realize

that you can lock Eva up,

but she's still gonna be
your half-sister.

EVA:
It's me.

Thanks, Ted.

I've never had anything so nice.

But?

The girl in the photo?

She's a liar.

This picture was taken

when I was still lying
to you and Nicole.

And I don't want
to be that girl anymore.

A fake wannabe
wearing a dress that belongs

to your real daughter.

Hey, we'll take another photo.

Do you want to know
what I see in this one?

Hmm?

I see my real daughter.

Cause that's what you were then.

That's what you are now.

And that's what you will
forever be, Eva.

I'm so sorry I never knew that.

I'm sorry, too.

I hope I didn't ruin
our friendship forever.

Oh, Diego, no, of course not.

But...

...there is something
you could do for me.

Name it.

Has anyone ever told you
you should model?

Why would you lie to me
about our child?

Because.

Because you're jealous of Joey.

I had to stop him before--

It has been such a long time
since jealousy was

even on the table for us.

The other day,
when we came together in bed,

it was pretty incredible,

but you know
it didn't change where we are.

And where are we, Vanessa?

I see other men.

You've known that for a while.

I would hope
you're seeing other women.

You finally said it out loud.

Well, yay, me.

I managed to say it
without snarling.

The thought
of some other women--

I can't deny
I might feel a twinge

of jealousy myself,
but that is where we are.

Is this because of Joey?

It's about us, Doug.

You and me.

You knew just like I knew.

Just say it.

You think I'm cheating on you?

I already told you.

There is no one else.

Well, there's something.

At least we can agree
on that much.

Yes.

I have no intention
of leaving you.

I don't think you want
to leave me.

We will always
come home to each other.

There.

I can breathe.

Feels good to have all
our cards finally on the table.

You're not under arrest,

but I feel compelled
to inform you

you have a right
to hire a lawyer.

I know I would
if I had something to hide.

I don't have anything to hide.

But I will not be harassed.

Now, since there are

no legal restraints on me...

...I'm free to leave.

You are.

But keep in mind, Leslie,

I am a Boy Scout.

Which means
I will track down every lead

and interview every witness.

It might take a while,
but I will find my man.

Or woman.

You know, Detective,
I am so glad

that you're on this case.

Mm.

If I were just
a few years younger.

It's extremely
unsettling that...

there's
a dangerous psychopath out there

running around free.

Who knows
what they might do next?

Hey, Shanice,
I'm so sorry to call you

on your day off, but I just--

I don't feel well at all,

and I think I should
just skip the rest of my shift.

I already called scheduling,
I just, I wanted you to know.

Uh, I'll be as good as new
in the morning.

Okay, bye.

Hey, Ashley.

What is it?

What's wrong?

[weak chuckle]