Up the River (1930)

[bunniefuu]

Look at this, a roadster.

And the g*ng promised me a limousine.

- It's piecrust to you, ain't it?

- Shut up, you sap.

We ain't out of danger yet.

It's 10 miles to town. Well, so long.

I hope I never see you again.

- Boy, I hate these country prisons.

- I hate all prisons.

- The food is bad.

- Well, listen. Next time-

There ain't gonna be any next time.

Not for me.

- No? What are you gonna do for a livin'?

- Start a chicken farm.

You can start with 100 eggs,

and by saving the pullets...

at the end of the year

you'll have 10,000 eggs.

- Yeah? Listen. Get out and fix that.

- What's the matter?

- I think we got a flat tire.

- Flat tire?

That's luck for you.

I don't see any flat tire.

No? Well, buy a mirror!

- Hey, there!

- Friends, we will hear from Brother Dan...

once lost in the sea of sin...

but now safe on the shores of love.

Praise be! Praise be! Praise be!

Friends, you wouldn't "tink" to look at me

now that I once was as wicked as you.

But, yea, verily, there's no sinner

among you what I can't call "brudder."

You know how I got lost in crime and sin?

Bad company.

But I found the error of my ways.

I found that crime don't pay.

Now I'm happy in the light

and love the whole world.

- Praise be! Praise be!

Yeah, even the-the depraved

wretch what led me into sin...

even him I love and forgive.

And remember, "brudders,"

crime don't pay.

No, sir.

Crime don't pay.

And verily, I say to you...

even the depraved wr-

louse... what led me into sin...

even him I love and forgive.

And there is a blow of vengeance coming what-

on all sinners what knows no mercy.

There is retribution for all. And there

is "tunderbolts" comin' from the sky...

on your head, unexpected.

And verily I say to you, the wages of sin

is a punch in the jaw, you louse!

What are you pinchin' me for?

He's the one that did it!

Twenty-four, 26...

- 28, 30, 32...

34, 36, 38, 40, 42.

Another one?

Hello, Al. Another load?

- Howdy, Joe. Yeah.

- Got another load for you.

- Oh, look at the mug on that guy.

- Look at that pan!

Say, is there a piccolo player in the crowd?

Why, no, sir.

But I can play a saxophone.

So that's what you're in for.

For three months, I been tryin' to get a piccolo

player, and all they send up is saxophones.

Just a lot of punks.

That's all.

Oh, now that's a shame.

What'd you do, boy,

rob your mama's bank?

Poor kids.

What do you think of that?

- Ain't that a dirty shame?

- Get the pan on this guy.

I been in this jail 40 years...

and the saps they send up here

gets worse and worse.

It's gettin' to be a day nursery.

They wouldn't even allow

those kind of guys in here in my time.

How'd they keep 'em out?

Blackball 'em?

- You know what they'd have called

Big Pete in my day?

- What?

- A sissy.

Yeah, there was men in those days-

men with needles in their chests,

men like meself.

Come on over and play ball.

Just one week before the big game,

and they had to go and pardon the pitcher.

It's politics.

That's what it is- politics.

- Somebody higher up don't want us to win.

- You know who it is?

The governor.

- Jessell!

- Well, if it ain't little Morris. So you're here!

Yes, I'm here.

And you're here too, where you belong.

You got me all wrong, kid.

I lost more money on that horse than you did.

Did you, Jessell? Did you lose

your position and money and friends?

And mother?

She died at my trial. You k*lled her.

- If it hadn't been for you-

- Shut up, you little swine.

- You were a thief long before I knew you.

- That's a lie! Take it back!

Cut it out!

Go on. Scram!

Don't do that. Come on.

Don't take it so hard.

I can't help it.

How did your family feel?

Well, they don't know.

I changed my name.

They think I'm in China.

- How'd you do that?

- Well, I got friends out there.

They forward my letters home

and cable my folks once a month.

I'll see you around.

I work in the office there.

Got a lot of new fish coming in.

You know, associates, inmates.

Come on, son.

Buck up, boy.

Come on, you fellas, will you? Come on.

All right, Pop.

What's the hurry?

- I got plenty of time- 30 years.

- Nix, only 20 for me.

Say, do you think they'd mind

if I was to join in?

- Can you play ball?

- Why, sure.

Go on and get over there then.

Pop'll plaster you with kisses. Hurry up.

And this is the men's yard.

Aren't you afraid here with

all these dreadful characters?

Oh, dear, no.

They're just like little children to me.

In fact, to all the welfare workers.

Watch it.

Oh, how do you do, Mrs. Massey?

- How do you do?

- So jolly to see you again.

Uh, I missed you terribly last Thursday.

Had some friends up from the city.

Charming people.

They were very disappointed

not to meet you.

Well, cheerio.

See you again.

- You see?

- And who is he?

Electrical genius.

Wiretapper.

Hi, Dooley.

- Famous strangler.

Now we go over to the welfare rooms.

You see? They're right over there.

- Don't be afraid.

He's just amusing little Jean...

the warden's daughter.

Jean, say hello to my friends.

- How do you do?

- How do you do, dear?

Have you a kiss for Mrs. Massey?

- Yes, Mrs. Massey. I gave it to Rex.

- The dog?

Let's go over to the welfare room.

- Okay, what's next, Eddie?

- Try this one, Jean.

That-a-boy, Eddie.

- Oh, I can do that!

- No, you can't.

- Geez, that-a-girl!

- Here's one you can't do.

Walk on your ear, Jean.

No.

Of course not!

I got him.

- Look this way please.

Keep smilin' now.

Big smile, St. Louis.

All right, one with your lawyer,

St. Louis.

Come on.

Get over here, Marvin.

- Thanks!

- Thank you.

- Come on, buddy. Move up.

Guy with the camera, move up.

Through here.

Number one, right here please.

- Number two, right here.

- Well, hello, Sophie.

- Number three-

- Hello, Kitty. Glad to see you back again.

Lemme see. I ain't seen you

in about a month, ain't it?

- I know.

- Well, come on.

I'm gonna take care of you two myself.

Lovely. By golly, you girls- I'm going

to check these two girls in personally.

- How's it been?

- Everything is lovely.

We've got a new wing on the place.

The mockingbirds

are singing just the same.

- Name?

- Judith Fields.

- Age?

- Twenty-one.

- Your first offense?

- The first time they caught me.

- Fraud?

- I told fortunes.

And they gave you

three years for that?

Well, after I'd finished

telling fortunes, I'd, uh...

recommend certain oil stocks.

Oh.

Well, then, you worked with someone?

- A broker.

- Did you know what you were doing?

- Of course.

- Well, then, why?

It was fun!

I always wanted to travel.

You know, we never hit the same town twice.

Oh, you can't understand.

Oh, yes, I do.

I've felt the same way.

- I was headed for China.

- China?

- Gee, I'd love that.

- Gee, you know...

we had jobs out there- three of us boys

and, well, then this came up.

And you threw that over

to work here?

No, you don't understand.

I don't work here.

I belong here.

- A convict?

- Yes.

But we call ourselves inmates.

- Gee, that's tough. You don't look it.

- Well, neither do you.

Well, tell me, uh, what-

what did you do?

A fight, just before the boat sailed.

- The other boy-

- What a rotten break.

Married?

No.

Engaged?

- Say, is that on the card?

- Oh, no.

- What are you in for?

Shoplifting.

I was framed!

Sure.

We all was framed.

- What's yours?

- Spittin' in a river.

Gee, I didn't know

they could pinch you for that.

Why, you told Mrs. Massey

it was for winkin' at a cop.

- For not winkin' at a cop.

- Terrible creature!

Well, at least she don't scare 'em

to death with blackmail.

Is it necessary that I wait in here

with these other persons?

Cut the ritz! We was all arrested

and here we are, in the "cansky."

- Who's she?

- Edith La Verne.

- I don't see what men see in her.

- Oh, is that the love thief?

- The extortionist.

- Extortionist?

Honey, was you in the circus?

- I'm so sorry for them. Really, l-

- And these are the women!

Come, girls.

- Yes, sir.

Say, there's nobody but ladies

allowed in here.

So I see.

We want to see the warden a minute.

St. Louis!

- Okay, boys.

Hey, buddy, buddy,

where's the warden?

Oh, you got company.

- Not a bad jail.

- Hey, hey, what's the idea?

- Hello, Warden. How are you?

Well, St. Louis,

glad to have you with us.

Hello, Curly.

Say, listen, Warden.

I want to make

a little bargain with you.

You know, I thought you looked

a little bit worried out there in the yard.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, you know, thinkin' that

I might leave here unexpectedly.

- I wanna tell you somethin'.

I'm on the square with this.

I sh**t straight, see?

- When I decide to go, I give fair warning.

- Yeah?

- Yeah. How's that?

- That's fair.

- Okay, Warden. That's a bargain.

- Show him to his cell.

Oh. Oh, now, please, please.

Wait a minute.

You know, Warden,

about this cell business-

- Sorry, I haven't any cigars.

- Thanks, I don't use 'em anyway.

About this cell business, Warden, if you

don't mind, I don't like to sleep too high up.

- No?

- No.

And, if you don't mind,

I'd like a nice airy cell, you know...

plenty of windows,

and a nice southern exposure.

- Southern exposure?

- Yeah, if you don't mind.

- I'd like a double bed. And running water.

- Sure.

And I'd like-

Say, I'm not boring you, am I?

No, no. Go on.

Outta here!

Okay, Warden.

See you at supper.

Beans again, I suppose.

Southern exposure.

Running water.

Not too high up.

Sunshine.

- Say, if I had a cell like that,

I'd sleep in it myself.

Don't forget to lock that.

A lot of new guys come in here today.

- Letters from home?

- Yeah.

Yeah, pretty regular.

Now, look here.

Here's a picture of my mother here.

And here's my kid sister

Frances over here.

- Let's see it, Steve, will you?

- Sure.

Too skinny.

I don't like 'em so skinny.

- I like legs.

- What?

Limbs.

When I left home,

she was a kid on roller skates.

- Now she's off to college.

- College?

- Yeah.

- Gee, your folks must be swell.

And look at that house! You know, it makes

me real sick to look at a house like that.

- Why?

- Why?

'Cause I could've had a house like that.

Easiest thing in the world.

Only mine would've had a tower on it

with my chicken farm...

- if it wasn't for that big baboon.

- What baboon?

- He come in here today.

- He means St. Louis.

And you shut up about him.

He's the greatest ballplayer you ever saw.

Oh, how that guy can pitch.

Well, ballplayer or no ballplayer,

he'd better stay out of my way...

'cause if I ever lay my hands on that guy,

I'll croak him.

I never know how

they're gonna turn out.

You're a fine guy, you are.

Leave me flat in the middle of the road.

- You callin' me a double-crosser?

- Yeah!

- You think I'd double-cross a pal?

- Didn't you?

- I thought there was a rumble seat.

- There was no rumble seat!

- That kind of car don't have a rumble seat.

- Keep quiet!

- You're not gonna let-

- All right, maybe there was

a rumble seat on the car.

- Look out for his arm, will you?

- That's the way, boys. Don't fight.

- Don't let 'em fight, Pop.

- I won't let 'em.

- Steve's my name.

- How are you? Glad to know you, kid.

Glad to know you too.

What do you say we turn in, boys?

- I think you're up there.

- Me?

Say, you wouldn't let a pitcher

climb way up there, would you?

- He might strain his arm.

- I've gotta throw too, ain't I?

You throw higher than him.

You have to throw way down to second base.

I ain't gonna let that guy

put anything else over on me.

- I'm gettin' smart!

- What do you mean, put something over on you?

- Wait a minute.

- Wait a minute.

- I'm not dumb.

I'm settlin' this thing without any fighting.

Think of a number from one to 10.

- One to 10?

- Yeah.

- Seven.

- That's it. You sleep in the lower one.

- Get on up there.

- That's fair enough, ain't it?

Long as I lost on the level, it's okay.

Say, on second thought, I remember.

- There was a rumble seat on that car, all right.

- Oh, shut up!

Knock it off, Freda.

Try and get some sleep.

All out!

Attention.

Forward. March!

- Well, how are you today, Genesis?

- How is y'all, Mrs. Massey?

Well, Judy, quite an honor it seems to me to

be selected to instruct the warden's daughter.

Of course, it's quite

against my better judgment...

but, uh, I hope it'll turn out all right.

Thank you, Mrs. Massey.

Two and two is four. Four and four is eight.

- Sour grapes, kid. Sour grapes.

- Mrs. Reilly...

can Judy and I go in the yard

and take a walk?

- Surely, dear. Go right along.

- Thank you.

Oh, how do you do, Mrs. Massey?

- What a beautiful apple.

- Strange. Such good-looking girls, aren't them?

- Not a homely one among them.

- Thank you, Mrs. Massey.

Years ago, when I started doing

welfare work, it was quite the reverse.

Well, in those days

women wore long skirts.

The only ones that were acquitted...

were the ones smart enough

to cross their legs during the trial.

- What a peculiar psychology. Have an apple, dear.

- Oh, thank you, Mrs. Massey.

- And I have a magazine for you, my dear.

- Thank you, Mrs. Massey.

And here's the latest style

magazine for you.

Girls, isn't this jolly?

Dewey's won the Battle of Manila.

- I oughta-

- Why don't you leave me alone?

I haven't done anything to you.

- What a jam!

Let 'im alone!

- What do you mean let him alone?

- I said let him alone. Scram, kid.

What are you gonna do?

Make a favorite of that punk around here?

- Keep your hands off him.

- Say, who are you to tell me

to keep my hands off anybody?

What's the matter, Steve?

What's all the trouble?

Pop and I found this big lug,

and he give me an argument.

He thinks everybody's scared of him.

- Sure, everybody's scared of me.

- Everybody's scared, are they?

You don't wanna bother with them guys.

It's a waste of breath.

I know, but look out for your arm.

Look out for your arm.

- Hey, the "ame-day" is waitin' at the "ate-g*y."

- Thanks.

Don't mention it.

Hey, Steve.

I wouldn't go down there.

Keep away from that girl. Gettin' pretty near

your parole. I wouldn't take any chances.

Yeah, listen, kid.

He's right about that.

You do what Pop says,

and you'll never go wrong.

- I'll go.

- Hey-

Hey, some guy hit a great big lug

out there right on the button.

Hey, buddy, I'm sorry.

I butted into something.

I didn't know. She don't want to see me.

She wants to see you.

- Me?

- Yeah.

I didn't know that you two

were fond of each other.

Well, gee, I don't know

how fond she is of me...

but I think she's a fine girl.

- Well, ain't you never said anything to her?

- No, I haven't had a chance.

You know what the rules are. Oh, we waved

a couple of times from the window.

Well, you come on over.

I'd like to have you meet her.

Yeah, but listen,

if she's caught talkin' to me-

Don't let that worry you.

I'll take care of all that.

Hey, lug. Come here.

No, he means you.

Say, who do you think you are,

ordering me around? What do you want?

Judy's got a boyfriend

Judy's got a-

- Jean-

- Judy, there's a couple of fellas

in reception to see you.

I got the pass right here.

Jean, come over here. Your Uncle Danny

wants to tell you a fairy story.

Aw, Danny.

Why does a chicken cross the street?

To get on the other side.

Heard you were being paroled

in a few days.

Yes, I am.

I just wanted to say good-bye

to you before you left and...

thank you for being so sweet

to me that day in the office.

Well, that's all right.

I've- I've been trying

to get to see you too...

because, well, l- I have a lot of things

I want to talk to you about.

Remember that first day in the office

when I asked you if you were engaged?

Yes, and I said,

"Is that on the card?"

Yeah. Well it-

You know it wasn't.

I wanted to know because-

Well, are you engaged?

No, Steve, I'm not.

Are you?

No, I'm not.

Oh, but I'd like to be...

to you.

Now, look out for this one, Jean.

This is a hard one.

Why does the president of the United States

wear a high silk hat?

To keep his head warm.

I'm on the level too, Steve.

But I guess it- it can't be.

Why not?

Well, I've heard all about

your home and your family and-

- Well, I'm-I'm just-

- Well, wait a minute.

That's just storybook stuff about the rich boy

and the poor girl not being able to marry.

Doesn't count here at all.

When we get outta here, we're just

gonna be a couple of ex-convicts...

and that's not storybook stuff.

We got to start all over,

bottom of the ladder.

And l-

I'd like for us to start together.

Well, that is, if-

if you're fond enough of me.

I am fond of you, Steve.

I'm more than fond of you.

If there was five birds in a tree,

and St. Louis and I shot one of the birds...

how many of the birds

would be left in the tree?

None, because they'd all fly away.

Jean, you ain't been reading a book,

have you?

- No.

- Can't understand it.

- I'll wave you an answer tonight.

- Beat it, kid.

- Judy, that isn't the man you-

- Judy, tell 'im you're not at home.

- Fellas, Miss Fields.

- Fellas, Miss Fields.

Two minutes.

Well, darling, here I am.

Just three months too late, Frosby,

and never mind the "darling."

- But, Judy-

- I didn't come in here

because I wanted to see you.

I came in here because I wanted

to tell you what a dirty rat you are.

- You don't understand-

- I do understand now.

I thought your business

was a little shady...

but I didn't know

it was gonna land me in jail.

- Well, it's finished. I'm paying for it.

- What could I do?

What could you do?

You could have stayed and faced it out...

not run away like a coward

and leave me to take the rap.

Listen, Judy. I've got friends and influence,

and I've got some dough left.

- I can get you out, and we can go away.

- We? We can't do anything.

I'm through with you and all your kind.

Now, listen.

There's a fine, clean kid inside,

and he's stuck on me.

And I'm crazy about him.

He gets outta here in a week.

He's gonna wait for me.

We're gonna start together

at the bottom of the ladder-

Steve and I.

- Steve.

- Yes, that's the name of the kid

that's waitin' in there for me.

He's waitin' in there now

for my answer.

Okay, Judy.

Time's up!

Genny, be sure this gets to him.

Don't forget.

And Genesis, poor lamb.

Oh, Miss Massey. Miss Massey.

You is such a good woman.

- And I's such a bad woman.

- No, Genny.

If I'd only met you

when I was a little child...

I'd have been in my chariot...

on my way to glory.

- There, there.

- Oh, Genny.

You mustn't cry like that.

Everything's gonna be all right.

- Don't cry.

That's two chocolate bars

and an apple you owes me now.

- What's goin' on?

- Signal.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, from the women's quarters.

- Oh, is that how they do it?

- Sure. Didn't you know that?

With all the cans you've been in.

Yeah, but I never stayed in one

long enough to find those things out.

- What does it say?

- Wait a minute.

Message...

gate.

- Good day, boys.

Mrs. Massey, look at your shoes!

All dusty again. Imagine that.

Why, boys, every time I come through

that gate, you clean off my shoes.

- That's all right, Mrs. Massey. It's a pleasure.

- Not at all.

- Good-bye, boys.

- Good-bye.

- Good-bye. Did you get it?

- For Steve.

Ah, none of them b*mbos

ever write me.

No sex appeal, my boy.

No sex appeal.

- Where's Steve?

- Why?

- I got a kite for him.

- I'll take it.

- You'll take it?

- I'm in on this.

Oh.

Hey, don't look over my shoulder

when I'm reading Steve's mail.

This is from a lady.

Hey, Steve.

Come here a minute, will ya?

- Congratulations, Steve.

- For what?

Well, you're e-

Uh, I got a little note here for you.

I'm engaged.

- No!

- Yeah.

- Judy.

- No!

Yeah.

Hey, you fellas-

You didn't read this, did you?

Nah.

Four times six- 25.

- No, dear. It's 24.

- Hello, Judy.

- How's the youngster getting on?

- Just fine, Warden.

That's great.

1136 wants to see you, boss.

- I'm busy.

- It's Steve. He wants to say good-bye.

Oh, sure.

Show him in.

Good luck to you, my boy.

Thanks, Warden.

I, uh, I know

it's against the rules...

but could I give you a message

for a girl here?

A prisoner?

You see, we're, well-

We're engaged.

I want her to know that

I'm gonna work hard for her...

and make something of myself

so that when she's free-

Just you wait a moment. Wait till

I get a pencil and write that message down.

- Here's a pencil, Daddy.

- All right, bring it to me.

How am I going to get it

unless you bring it to me?

- I'll write every week.

- I won't write at all.

Your family mustn't see letters

with this postmark.

They mustn't know.

Don't worry.

I'll stick it out.

It's only five months.

You won't forget?

Huh? Oh-Oh, yes.

I found a pencil.

Now, what was that message?

Well, what I wanted to say was,

"Thanks."

So long, Jean.

Four times eight- 43.

- He's gone.

- Four times nine-

- Bye-bye.

- Don't come back!

- I'll do that.

Take care of yourself, kid.

I'm gonna miss you.

- Look out for the kids.

- You bet I will, Steve.

- Bye!

Well, Stephen!

Why, I'm glad to see you.

Thank you very much, Mr. Sterling.

I'm glad to be home.

Well, good-bye.

Hope you've enjoyed the service.

- Yes, we have.

- Hope to see you next Sunday.

- Good-bye.

- Good-bye, girls. Good-bye.

Glad to see you.

- Why, hello, Steve.

- Hello.

- How's China?

- Oh, fine.

Thought you'd be wearing a pigtail.

You going back there?

No. Not till I've been around home

for a while.

No, he's going home a while

and get some of Mother's good cooking.

How do you do, sir?

You're a stranger here, aren't you?

- Yes.

- I'm glad to see you at our service.

Thank you very much.

Most delightfully edifying.

- My name is Frosby.

- I'm Reverend Sterling.

Delighted to meet you, I'm sure.

- Oh, isn't that Stephen-

- Jordan. Do you know him?

No, I'm not acquainted with him personally,

but I know a very dear friend of his.

- I should be delighted to introduce you.

- Most gracious of you.

Mr. Jordan, will you allow me

to present Mr. Frosby?

- How do you do, Mr. Frosby?

- This is her son, Stephen.

- How do you do?

- How do you do? My sister, Cynthia.

- How do you do?

- Ma'am.

I'm very, very pleased to meet the Jordan

family. In fact, I might say I was most anxious.

- Really?

- Indeed. Your son and I happen

to have a mutual acquaintance.

- Yes?

- A Miss Fields. A Miss Judith Fields.

- She was formerly in my employ.

- Really?

How interesting. Perhaps you'd come

and have supper with us tonight.

- Mother, l-

- It's all right, dear.

Sophie always has enough for a dozen.

- You'll come, won't you?

- Thank you very much.

- Good-bye, Mr. Sterling.

- Good-bye.

- Supper is at 6:00.

- I shall be there most promptly.

See you this evening.

Oh, I'm going to open up

a branch office here.

Of course, I shall miss Judy.

She was a most valuable assistant.

But as you know everyone in town...

you may be able

to take her position.

Don't forget your ABC's, boys.

Hiya, lug.

What are you doing in there?

- We're takin' intelligence tests.

- Thought we was trying out for the show.

Hey, you're in the wrong line.

Get over in front of the welfare building.

Any of you guys that's

trying out for the show.

You stick here.

You're gonna take a test.

You better take that intelligence test, boy.

You'll need it.

- Hey, Happy.

- Yeah?

- Gimme the works here, will you?

- Right.

Come on, come on.

Get a little pep into it. What's the matter?

- What's the matter with you? You stiff?

- St. Louis.

Keep your back turned, kid.

- Heard from Steve?

- No.

I have.

He's in a jam.

- How?

- You know Frosby?

- He's the guy you took the rap for, isn't he?

- Yeah.

He followed Steve to New England.

He's trying to use him.

- Blackmail, huh?

- The old stock racket.

- He threatened to-

- Yeah, yeah. I know.

He's gonna tell the folks

that Steve was in the stir, huh?

- What'll I do?

- You don't do nothin', kid.

Just leave it to me.

- Say, listen, Judy.

- Yeah?

- Are you really stuck on Steve?

- Yeah.

There's, uh, no chance for a guy

to muscle in there, is there?

I'm on the level.

- I really love him.

- Okay, baby.

What does m-o-r-o-n spell?

Why-Why, that spells moron.

I passed, 100%.

- Hey, lug, you was never

in New England, were you?

- No.

Well, you're goin' now.

Hello, fellas.

As you know, we're gathered here tonight

for our annual entertainment...

which is sponsored by

our good friend, Mrs. Massey.

Also, we have as

our honored guests...

a number of people from the outside,

which we take great pleasure in welcoming.

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

I take great pleasure in introducing

our master of ceremonies-

One who is a master of ceremonies,

one who has acted in a similar capacity...

in a great many institutions

of this kind...

both in this country and abroad...

and one whom we hope to have with us

for many, many years to come.

Ladies and gentlemen...

I take great pleasure in introducing

our master of ceremonies...

Honest John Jessup!

Mr. Warden.

Ladies... and gentlemen.

I can scarcely find the words

to express my gratitude...

in having being selected as master of ceremony

for this delightful performance.

It is a very unusual compliment.

And now,

with your kind permission...

I take infinite pleasure

in presenting that ever-popular team...

Black and Blue.

Come on there, Blue.

Let me ask you somethin' now.

You owe me some money,

and what I wanna know is...

- when is you gonna pay me my money?

- Why, I pay you when you alone.

- When I'm alone?

- Mm-hmm.

- I'm alone now.

- No, you ain't. I'm here.

- What is that thing you got there?

- That's my bazooka.

- But-

- Musical instrument.

Bazooka? You don't mean

to tell me you get music outta that.

- Sure, I do.

- Let me see this thing.

That ain't nothin'

but an old piece of gas pipe.

- Yeah, but I makes my livin'

with that piece of gas pipe.

Yeah, but I play

good music on this thing.

Let me hear you

play something on it.

I'm just gonna play

the "St. Louis Blues" on this thing...

in honor of St. Louis.

- I'll be seeing you.

- Go ahead, mister. Will you play it for me?

Gee, those guys are swell!

Oh, we certainly knocked them

cold out there tonight.

- Boy, they're laughin' out there yet.

- Mi, mi, mi-mi-mi-mi.

Mi, mi, mi.

Come on, kid.

Knock 'em in the aisles. You're a cinch.

- They're a pushover.

- Gee, but I'm scared.

Go on out and look 'em in the eye

and sing, kid.

They can't walk out

on you anyway, kid.

- Well?

- Well, I ain't goin' through with it, I tell you.

Now, listen.

I never break my word.

And I gave my word to Judy. And we're goin'

to New England, and we're goin' tonight.

I can't go to New England, not tonight.

I'm in the finale.

- Oh, what's the use, St. Louis?

- Say, listen.

If you don't do like I tell you,

it's gonna be your finale.

All right, I'll go.

What's that got to do with the act?

- It's part of my plan, you sap.

- Oh.

- What do I do when I get on the stage?

- You just stand there.

- Don't I sing or dance or do nothin'?

- Yeah. You do nothin'.

I'm gettin' smart.

There's somethin' screwy about this.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

our next act will hardly need an introduction.

Allow me to present

St. Louis and Company.

Thanks very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, they've asked me to do

my little bit for the entertainment tonight.

I can't sing, and I can't dance.

But I'll tell you what I will do.

I'll do an act that I used to do when I was

a little kid and ran away with the circus.

This is a knife-throwing act,

and I use a human target.

And the gentleman that's kindly

consented to act as my target tonight...

is none other than my old

partner and pal, Dannemora Dan.

Right over there, Danny.

Right over there.

Listen, you guys wanna be quiet out there.

I gotta have absolute quiet.

Are all the lights in this theater controlled

from that switchboard right there?

- That's right, sir.

- Thanks very much.

- Throw a little more light on Danny's head.

- All right, sir.

Listen, you wanna remember that

I haven't done this act for a long time.

I'm liable to make a few slips.

You've got to overlook that.

I'll do my best though to go through

the act without any serious injury.

Now, Danny, Danny-

He missed him!

Quiet, quiet. Everybody, now-

Quiet, now. Quiet, boys.

Every man stay in his own place.

No commotion, please.

Miss Massey, will you leave by the side door?

Joe, open that door.

Thanks, boys. Thanks.

I'm proud of you.

Come on, boys.

Give the warden a great big cheer.

- I guess they made it.

- Yeah.

Frosby. You'd tell everybody

that I was an ex-convict.

- But now that you've started

to swindle my mother-

- Swindle?

She told me all about you. She told me

about every crooked deal you ever pulled.

- Well, what do you want me to do?

- I want you to get out of town.

Well, I won't get out of town.

And I'll tell your mother that you

weren't in China- that you were in jail.

- An ex-convict!

- You'd do that?

Well, you won't have to,

because I'll tell her myself.

- Now, listen, you little jailbird-

- All right, I am a jailbird!

But in jail, I learned how

to handle crooks like you!

You've been threatening me!

Now, I'll threaten you!

If you don't get out of this town

by tonight, I'll k*ll you!

We're not intruding, are we?

Oh, no, not at all, gentlemen.

Would you sit down?

Our business can wait.

Glad to know you, Mr. Jones.

- Well, what can I do for you?

- I wanted to have a little business talk with ya.

Well, you'll have to make it pretty short,

because he's leaving town.

- That's too bad.

I'll see you when you come back.

- He won't be back.

Oh. Well, that's-

that's tough.

Oh, say, by the way,

which is the best hotel in town?

Well, there isn't any best.

They're all terrible.

But I'd like very much

to have you stay at my house.

Oh, no. I don't wanna

put you to all that trouble.

Why, it won't be any trouble at all.

Really, I'd like to have you

meet my mother and my sister.

Give you a nice room,

and put him in the garage.

- Swell.

- And I know how you traveling men...

like to get a good home-cooked meal.

Ah, boy, now you're talkin'. Say,

I haven't had a home-cooked meal in year-

Uh, it's been quite some time now.

Okay, then.

Suppose we go right over?

Fine and dandy.

Come along there, brains.

There are millions

to be made in this stock.

Wrap that up and save it for me.

I'll be back later.

Frosby, be down at the train

tonight to make sure you don't miss it.

- Bye-bye.

- Good-bye.

- Say, listen, Frosby, what are you trying to do?

- Huh?

Those two g*ns from New York-

What about them?

I never saw them before.

- Say, have you got some new game

you're not gonna cut us in?

- Now, listen, cutie.

- As long as you're as pretty as you are-

- Oh!

Listen, if you even try

to double-cross us...

you know what will happen to you.

Aw, shut up!

Get out of my way! I'm busy.

Come on in, fellas.

- Oh.

- Hello, Mother.

- Hello, dear.

- Say, listen, Mother...

I brought a couple of friends home

to spend the weekend with me.

- You don't mind, do you?

- Oh, no, of course not. Bring them right in.

All right.

Come on in, boys.

Mother, I want you to meet Mr. -

- Jones.

- Do you belong to the Salem Joneses

or New Bedford Joneses?

Well, I'll tell you, ma'am,

I come from New York State.

Yes, you see, and this is Mr. -

- Dannemora.

- Oh.

- Say, where's baby?

- Danny Mora. I think she's upstairs.

Hello, Sis. Sis, I want you

to meet a couple of friends of mine.

This is my sister.

This is Mr. Jones and Mr. Mora.

- How do you do? How do you do?

- Thank you.

Now, come right in, children,

and make yourselves perfectly at home.

- Won't you sit down?

- Thanks.

- You sit here, will you?

- Thank you very much.

I'll take your hat. And I'll take your hat.

You can sit right here.

I hope you'll make yourselves

perfectly at home.

And you may smoke if you like.

Steve smokes.

I caught him once smoking corn silk

when he was a little boy.

Gee, Steve, that was wrong.

Well, anyway, he's grown up

to be a fine young boy.

I'll help Sophie get supper.

- Could I help you, ma'am?

- Oh, no, thank you, dear. Sophie's here.

Gee, Steve, this is great.

This is swell.

Boy, your mother and-

This is great.

- Do you like our home?

Sure.

And your mother's nice.

Pretty.

Who's his nobs here, your father?

Oh, no.

That's Abraham Lincoln.

Oh.

Is that him? I know.

The father of this country.

Come along, children.

Our dinner is served.

Now, let me see.

How am I going to seat you?

Mr. Sterling dines with us

about once a month...

so I'll put our newest guest,

Mr. Jones, at my right.

- Thank you.

- And, Mr. Sterling, my left.

And I'll sit here.

Oh, thank you, dear.

And, Mr. Mora,

you may sit next to baby.

Thank you.

And now, Mr. Sterling,

will you say grace?

Accept our thanks, O Lord,

for this food...

- and bless it to our use for thy namesake-

- Amen.

I think I'll take these flowers off.

Daffodils are lovely this time of year,

but they're in the way.

- Thank you, dear.

- You're welcome.

I hope you'll enjoy

your supper, children.

It's a very simple one.

Our regular Saturday night meal.

But no one in the country can cook them

as we New Englanders do.

Boston beans.

- Well, that's- that's splendid.

- Thank you.

- I'm so sorry Mr. Frosby couldn't come tonight.

- Frosby?

Yes. I invited Mr. Frosby to come

and have supper with us, but he couldn't.

Marvelous stock

he's offering for sale.

It ought to enrich

many of our townspeople.

Mr. Sterling, l-

I don't know very much about stocks, but-

Well, if I were you, I wouldn't invest

in any stock until I'd consulted my banker.

Are you going to invest much?

- Well, with my modest salary-

- Blessed are the poor in spirit.

For their's is the kingdom of heaven.

- Hayride! Hayride!

Oh!

- We didn't know you had company.

- Oh, that's all right, dear.

We're sorry if we're intruding.

Oh, no, you're not intruding.

Just a couple of friends for supper.

- Oh, Steve, aren't you going?

- Going where?

Well, your friends

are cordially invited...

to attend the third annual

hayride and dance.

- The choir leaders are giving it.

- You'd like to go, wouldn't you, boys?

- Sure!

- Where'd you put my hat?

Wait a minute.

There's plenty of time, Danny.

- Sit down, girls, and have a cup of coffee.

- Sophie, bring some coffee.

- Thank you.

No, they don't have hayrides

in New York.

Sophie, hurry with the coffee!

Helen, sing us a song.

Ah! Good evening, my dear boys.

- How do you do?

- Out in the night air, eh? Delightful.

Music and moonlight.

Well, enjoy them while you may.

It's always a pleasure

to see the young enjoy themselves.

To some of us, that has been denied.

But-Ah, well.

Ah. Good evening.

Good evening.

What was Frosby doing here?

Steve, I've just made

a wonderful investment...

that will make you and your sister

independent for life.

- You bought his stock?

- Yes, dear.

You gave him your bonds?

- Why, yes. Why?

- Nothing.

Nothing.

Aw, Steve don't know

anything about business.

He don't know how

those things are done.

You know, Mother,

I think you'd better go to bed.

You know, you had a hard day,

all those people here and everything.

Oh.

Always the nice little gentleman.

I believe I will.

Come along, Cynthia dear.

- Oh, Mother.

- Cynthia.

Well, gee,

I had a lot of fun. Thanks a lot.

- Thank you. Good night.

- Good night, boys.

- Good night.

- Steve will show you where

you're going to sleep tonight.

- Sure.

- Good night. Happy dreams.

Good night.

- Where are you goin'?

- You heard what I told that guy.

Not with that gat, you're not!

- You think I'm gonna stand by

and see him rob my mother?

- Shh!

- Give me that g*n. Come on. Get out of my way.

- You'll wake up your mother.

Go on in there.

I wanna have a little talk with you.

- Here's a cigarette.

- I don't want one.

Smoke it!

Now, Steve,

you gotta snap out of this.

You're only a kid.

You're gonna marry Judy, ain't ya?

And you got a great home here,

and you got a wonderful mother.

And just one shot out of that gat,

and you're gonna blow the whole works.

- Well, you know what it means-

- Aw, forget it.

Forget it, Steve.

It's a sucker's game.

Nobody but chumps uses g*ns.

Steve.

Did you ever see a guy go to the chair?

Huh?

Well, I did.

I spent eight months

in that condemned row.

Watched 'em go one by one.

Pals of mine.

Guys that you'd say

good morning to in the morning...

and then you'd say

good night at night.

And then they'd go.

And I'd wait day after day,

week after week, month after month...

wonderin' if I was gonna

be the next one to go.

Let me tell you,

that's no picnic, kid...

listenin' to the drone of that lousy motor

and watchin' those lights go dim!

Come on.

Don't be a sap.

What am I gonna do?

Don't worry about Frosby.

He'll be taken care of.

Well taken care of.

Say, what do you think Danny and I

come up here for, to go on hayrides?

Steve?

Yes, Mother?

Aren't you going

to say good night to Mother?

Coming, Mother.

There you are, Steve.

There's the works.

- What's this?

- Your mother's bonds.

- Why, say- Gee, fellas, l-

- Aw, that's nothin'.

- But, listen, I could-

- Aw, forget it.

Steve, we gotta scram. We got a date.

Besides, if you're seen around here with us...

it'll break your parole,

and you know what that means.

And, Steve, we're gonna tell Judy

just exactly what you told us to tell her.

- Word for word.

- Make her believe it, will ya?

Steve, you're on the square

with Judy, ain't ya?

You bet I am.

That's all we wanted to know.

Oh, and...

here's a little-

little piece of poetry l-

I copied out of a book.

Give it to her for me, will ya?

Why, Sure, Steve.

Sure.

- Hey, that's our freight.

Now, wait a minute.

Nuts!

Don't forget, boys,

everybody on their toes.

This is a tough bunch of hombres and they

crave action, and you should see them slug.

Now, listen, fellas.

I've been in this can 40 years,

and my one ambition-

- Is to get out.

- Oh, shut up!

No.

It's to win the-

the Institutional Championship three times.

You won it twice already

and nearly copped it again last year.

- I would've too if my third baseman

hadn't sat down on me.

- Sat down on you?

- Yes.

- Electrocuted.

Look out for his arm, will you?

And now, St. Louis

and that other gorilla...

have to walk out on me

just one week before this big game.

Now, here's what I want you

to do, fellas. I'm pretty old.

I haven't got very far to go.

But I'd be the happiest guy in any jail

if I could cop this game today.

Now, will you go in and fight

and try to win for old Pop?

- That's the way to talk.

Now, remember our slogan-

From first base

to second base to third base, we roam.

Be it ever so humble,

there's no base like home.

That's the place that counts-

home base.

And remember who you're playin' with-

a bunch of crooks.

No ethics.

Show 'em that you're gentlemen.

I want everything in this game

on the up-and-up.

- Like needles!

Go after those guys now!

You know, St Louis,

what my ambition is?

To ride on a real train

with towels and everything.

In the distance,

one sees the gray walls and towers...

of dear old Bensonatta.

- Home again, pal.

- Yeah, and I'm glad to get back.

Now have you got that poem

for Judy, ya half-wit?

Why, certainly.

I got it right here. There ya are.

How are ya, Bill?

How's your team?

We'll give you a game, all right.

If our pitcher hadn't busted out,

you wouldn't have a chance.

- Oh, yeah?

- Good luck.

- Same to you.

Now, listen, fellas,

this game is gonna be on the square...

and be gentlemen at all times.

- Sure, sure. Where's your pitcher?

- There he is.

- Oh, is this your pitcher?

- Yeah.

- Now, remember, the game's

gotta be on the up-and-up.

- Okay.

- None of that, you know. And none of that.

- No?

- Not through the game.

- And none of this! See what I mean?

- Where's your pitcher?

- Right here, buddy.

Oh, uh, I've heard about you.

- You just heard the rules, didn't ya?

- Sure.

- None of that!

- Say, what's the idea?

- And none of that!

- Come on! Leave him alone!

And none of that!

- You don't have to show him that.

- No?

- Didn't I tell you there was none of that?

- Sure!

- And that?

- Well, how about this?

- Say, what's the idea? Leave that bat alone!

- Come on! Play ball, you guys!

All right, everybody ready?

Good luck.

- Come on!

- Lots of luck. Go right to it.

Over the fence.

- I'll get that ball for ya, Warden.

- Oh, let me get it.

Okay to come in?

- Good-bye, dear.

Good luck.

St. Louis!

Hello, Danny.

Gee, I'm sorry to see

you kids back here again.

Oh, that's all right, kid. I told 'em

I'd be back, and I never break my word.

Besides, I'll tell ya, it wasn't so much fun

out there as you might think.

You know, travelin' around

by yourself all alone.

- Wasn't I with you?

- Yeah, that's what I mean.

Say, what are you gonna do, kid?

I don't know.

I'll go back to the old racket,

I suppose.

No, no. No, no.

You won't go back to the old racket.

You're goin' right to New England.

- New England?

- Sure.

- Steve's waitin' for you.

- Steve's waitin' for me?

Well, I'm tellin' ya he's waitin'-

Listen, he gave us a message to give to you.

He- He told us to tell ya-

What was that message

that he gave us?

Well, he told us to tell you

all about the-

the birds and the-

the lilacs-

you know, flowers-

and the-the blue skies...

and, uh, the love

what comes but once-

Well, the meat of the whole thing

is you're to go back to New England.

Yeah, yeah. Now,

what he's trying to tell you is this.

You know.

You know, the birds are singin'...

and the- and the flowers...

and the river's kind of-

It's pretty, ain't it?

And it's all- It's-

Well, listen, here's the dough

for you to go back there with.

- I don't need it.

- Sure you do.

Them Chinese mannequin coats

cost a lot of jack.

- Chinese coats?

- Why, certainly.

Steve's gonna take you to China.

- We told you that, didn't we?

- Sure.

Tokyo, Honolulu-

All them Chinese towns.

Say, are you kiddin'?

No.

You mean Steve is...

really waitin' for me?

Say, what the heck-

Listen, baby.

I am tellin' ya on my word,

and I never break my word.

That's one thing

I'll say for the louse.

Hey, Sam.

Now here's your big chance.

We're gonna send you in there to hit that ball.

Do you think you can do it?

- Sure, Pop.

- That's a boy. Okay.

Now, listen. If ever you laid on

an apple in your life, lay on this one.

It's our only chance to win.

You'll do that for your old pals, won't you?

- Sure.

- All right. Do it for Pop.

- That's the boy.

Hello there, Warden.

So you're the fellow

that never breaks his word?

Oh, now, listen, Warden.

I'm sorry about that.

But I had to leave in such a hurry,

I just couldn't say good-bye.

You know that this

doubles your sentences, don't you?

- All right, I'll redouble.

- Gee, that makes me 286 years.

I won't need that.

- Take them to the cooler.

- Oh, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.

Judy's gone, and we're

losing the ball game.

- Huh? Yeah?

- That's right, Chief. Three runs behind.

Take 'em to the cooler.

Send St. Louis and uncle Dan to the cooler

when we're losing the ball game?

Oh, now, listen, Warden.

You're not gonna do that.

With Jean and the g*ng waitin' for us

out there, we gotta win that ball game.

Look here, St. Louis.

Can I trust you and Dan...

to go out to that diamond

without leaving us?

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll give you my word...

and you know that

I never break my word.

- No?

- Well, never twice in succession.

Take 'em to the cooler.

After the game!

Why does a fireman

wear red suspenders?

- To keep his trousers up.

Say, St. Louis, you know that fellow

McDowell on the other side?

Now, don't give him a high ball.

Keep 'em down and close-

I don't care if there was a rumble seat

on the car or if there wasn't!

If it hadn't been for you, we wouldn't

be spendin' a month in the cooler!

Will you shut up

about that rumble seat?

Take that cigar out of your mouth.

You're in training.

- All right!

- And I'm tellin' ya, there was a rumble seat.

I don't care.

Ever since I met you, I've been in trouble.

Yeah, well, you know,

you're no turning point-

St. Louis! Say, what are you guys runnin'?