01x144 - Episode 144

[bunniefuu]

Mom, how did you know
I was here?

-Joey texted me.
-You two know each other?

Cut the crap.
I cannot believe you are still

lying to Ashley about not
feeling sensation in your legs.

You're pregnant? You just
made me the happiest man alive.

Despite how happy this pregnancy
has made you, I'm not happy.

If Dani isn't the problem,
I want to know what is.

I'm just dying to hear
how me marrying someone

who loves me is all about you.

I thought you'd never ask.

Oh, you are too kind.

I will confer with my husband,
and we will get back to you.

You take care as well.

Okay. Buh-bye.

Which Jackie?

Jackie Tyree,
the Anita Williams impersonator

that officiated Dani's
drunken wedding in Las Vegas.

You received her call?

She issued an open invitation
for us to come and see her show.

She's gonna
give us free tickets.

-Front row seats, no less.
-I'm not even tempted.

Why should I go to Vegas
to see an impersonator

when I've got the so much better
real thing right here?

Well, probably for the best.

She doesn't want to incur
your wrath.

Amen.

She shouldn't have allowed
that fiasco to happen

in the first place,
when Dani and Andre

were obviously inebriated.

Well, now, don't blame Jackie.
The fault lies at Bill's door.

He's the one
who drove Dani to make

this rash decision
in the first place.

That man has been the source

of so many problems
for this family.

And occasionally, the solution.

Ever the mediator, Vernon.

Or...

is it you're planning to ask
our former son-in-law

for his services again?

Already did.

Bill's due in court this morning

to try to stop Leslie Thomas
in her tracks.

Mama.

It's got to be bad
if you brought coffee.

It's a latte,

and I got it from that
overpriced coffee shop

that you like so much.

Thank God I can afford it now.

You came all the way
over here just to give me

an expensive latte
from a coffee shop you hate?

The coffee maker here is broken.

I remembered that,

and I just wanted to see

how you are settling in.

Doing just fine
with the settling in, Mama.

Did you forget
that I used to live here

before you kicked me out?

Which is why
I gave you this place,

to make that up to you.

Uh...

And what's with
all this stink attitude?

Oh, I'm just wondering
what your ulterior motive is

for stopping by.

I'm simply being kind
and generous.

Why would you think otherwise?

Oh, experience.

Oh, I guess that's a fair point.

And you will find that today
I am big enough to admit it.

♪ ♪

Hi, Ma.

Is there coffee?

In the kitchen,
and Mona brought biscuits.

Mm... I'm not really
feeling biscuits,

but I'd love some
dry toast and egg whites.

Well, you can see if Mona's
feeling helping you out

with that or you can feel free
to make it yourself.

What's got you so busy?

I'm writing
this eulogy for Doug.

Vanessa asked me to speak
at his memorial today,

and I really want
to do a good job.

They were very close
friends of ours.

Yeah, I didn't realize
the memorial was today.

I can't stop thinking
about Vanessa and the twins.

Life was so good, and then...

all of a sudden,
everything flipped.

I have been
completely preoccupied

with Doug's accident.

Yeah, and Aunt Dani's
surprise wedding to Andre?

Well, don't even
get me started with that,

but I haven't really been able
to focus on anything else.

But I did see all of the posts.

I am so happy that your
online launch went so well.

Looks like ChelseaKat
is a huge success.

-It is.
-Congratulations, baby.

So why don't you look thrilled?

I'd like to say we ate
and left no crumbs,

but the truth is
it got a little derailed.

How so?

Oh, first,
Chelsea's psycho stalker,

that Allison woman,
got a hold of a phone from jail

and called into the live stream.

Yeah, I heard about that.

Did something else happen
with the business?

No, the business is great.

It's my love life that sucks.

I found out Tomas cheated on me.

Hey, Dad...

My dad around?
Caroline wasn't at her desk.

Bill's in court.

Cool. Well, um,
I brought this purse for him.

I'll just leave it here
and text him that it's here.

Not sure it's his style.

Bold of you to assume.

It's for Hayley, genius.

He ordered it for her
during our online launch.

Well, I'm sure she'll love it.

Okay, well...

Actually, Chelsea,
I'm glad I ran into you.

Gives me a chance to tell you
how relieved I was

to hear about your rescue.

Everyone was crazy worried
when you were missing.

You know, I'm glad
I ran into you, too, Tomas.

-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.

It gives me a chance
to let you know

what an absolute jackass
you are.

-Kat talked to you.
-She's my best friend

slash cousin
slash business partner.

Of course she told me
that you cheated.

How could you be
such a bonehead?

I thought things were over
between me and Kat.

I didn't expect her
to change her mind.

Apparently, you didn't expect
a lot of things, right?

Like Kat walking in and finding
you naked in Eva's apartment.

I wasn't naked.

I was wearing a towel.

Oh, a towel.

Well, that completely
changes everything.

Do you really think
that makes it less disgusting?

Like that's supposed to
make her feel better?

You were half-naked with Eva.

Wrap yourself
in all the towels you want,

you still blew up her trust.

I mean, seriously, dude,

it's bad enough that you
cheated, but to do it with Eva?

You had the whole world
to mess up with,

and you chose her sister.

What are you taking?

Oh, just a little something
for the Duprees.

-Mama, no, do not.
-It isn't like that.

Yeah? Show me.

I cannot believe that
your opinion of me is so low.

After that stunt
you pulled with the tie?

Yeah, Ted told me
that you stole it from him

and gave it to Nicole.

That was not a stunt, honey.
It was a hint.

Which, if you ask me,
is much better and nicer

than me blurting out
to that poor woman

that Ted and I slept together.

Know what
would've been more nice?

And no doubt more boring.
Please, don't inform me.

You didn't have to
tell her at all.

And you informed me.

Strategy, honey.

You have got to learn
strategy, all right?

Little Nicky would've
found out eventually.

-Not from me. Not from Ted.
-Whatever.

You are living
in the clouds, Mama.

Just because
you slept with my father

doesn't mean you're gonna
end up with him

any more than I'm going to
end up with Tomas.

So what does one
have to do with the other?

Um... So how are you
liking the hotel?

Talk to Mama, Eva.
Did you have sex with Tomas?

[laughs]:
Oh.

Okay, I will take
your silence as a yes.

You took my advice.
Good for you, baby girl.

Ooh!

Come on, give me five
on the Black hand side.

Leslie is a formidable foe,

especially now that
she has a bankroll to tap.

What is Bill hoping
to accomplish?

Whatever it takes to keep her
from tearing down

that Georgian colonial
she bought across the street

and building that monstrosity
she described as a shouse.

With any luck,
he'll be able to put an end

to her construction plans.

She'll lose interest.

Buy a house someplace else,

preferably Tasmania or Timbuktu.

You know, Vernon, I-I-I've
given this a lot of thought,

too much thought,

and she will find any angle
to wedge her way in.

She'll stop at nothing.

Like the other day, when
she cornered you at the club.

She knew I would dismiss her,

so she came up
with the perfect request,

just persuasive enough
to break my silence.

Barbara.

A child wanting information
about a mother she never knew.

My friend who I loved
and is lost to me.

So, even if

the battle that Bill
is waging against her

tearing down the house across
the street is successful...

She'll counterattack.

She is relentless, slippery,

and clearly auditioning
for a permanent place

in our lives and this zip code.

Now, she's an annoyance,
but incite her...

She could become a threat.

And we still
have secrets to keep.

And a family to protect.

-Protect our family from what?
-Mm!

Martin, I'm gonna have to put
a bell around your neck.

Don't sneak up
on people like that.

Sorry, Gran.

But I am staying here,

so technically,
I didn't sneak up on you.

What? You don't like me
staying here?

I love having you here.

But I love even more
if you and your husband

would kiss and make up.

TED:
Hey, what's so amusing?

Oh. Father-in-law. How goes it?

Honestly, I've been better. You?

[sighs] Same.

Yeah. Join me.

Mm-hmm.
So what are we looking at?

Oh, well, it's
a very bizarre wedding. Look.

Yeah. You're late
to the party, Clark Kent.

I've already seen it.

Oh. Well, I'm impressed.

So what do you think
about this whole situation?

It's complicated,
but I think it's quite striking

that Dani Dupree
is now happily married

and you and I are headed
for divorce court.

Martin and I are not headed
for divorce court.

Okay, maybe I'm projecting.

Nicole and I are pretty much
already there.

Albeit, her decision, not mine.

Yeah, I heard,

-and I'm sorry about that, Ted.
-Sure.

Is there any chance
she might change her mind?

Let's just say I'm, uh,
less than optimistic.

I did try to talk to her
a couple times

about what I thought were
similarities in our situations.

Yeah, they are similar.

Martin and I...

both hid things
from our spouses.

What did Nicole say?

Well, she urged me
to forgive Martin,

but then, when it came to you...

Yeah. He's her, he's her son.

Uh... You know, I, uh,

I'm the man that she spent
a lifetime with

and hid a affair from her
that produced a child.

You know, sometimes,
I-I don't know why

she can't just get past it.

And other times, I get it.

Is it true that...

the Duprees,
they placed bets on Nicole

when you and she were arguing?

[sighs, clears throat]

I'm sorry. I...

It's just, word gets around.

You know, I-I did,
I-I made some mistakes,

and I screwed up big-time,
but it-it's...

If it's any consolation,

I think that they're all
being too hard on you.

Thank you for saying that.

But if it's not too much of me
getting all up in your business,

I think you're doing
the same thing to Martin.

Believe me,
if a kiss could fix this,

I would be home in a flash,

but it's really not up to me.

Excuse me, but weren't you
the one who moved out this time?

You were already
back in the house.

I was on the sofa,
not in the bedroom,

which isn't the same as being
fully back in the house.

You were simply
trying to protect him

by keeping that secret.

It's not like
you cheated on him.

Tomas cheated on you?
Are you sure?

I walked in on them.

-In bed?
-In her living room.

-Kat, perhaps...
-She was in a robe.

He was in a towel.

Besides, he admitted it.

Oh, sweetheart, I am so sorry.

I know exactly
how you must feel.

I know you do.

You probably get it
more than anyone.

I mean, I'm sure
it's like déjà vu

since you went through
the same thing with Dad.

Well, I didn't exactly walk in
on your father and Leslie,

and I didn't find out that
they slept together for decades,

but I definitely understand
how it feels to be betrayed.

And you want to know the kicker?

Your situation and mine,
more alike than you think.

How?

Know who I caught Tomas with?

-Someone I know?
-Hmm.

I'll give you three guesses,
and the first two don't count.

You don't mean...

Like mother, like daughter.

Don't leave me hanging,
baby girl.

[makes whooshing sound, laughs]

That is my girl.

[exhales sharply]

Okay, so tell me,

does he roll his... [trills] Rs?

Mama, can you
dial it down, okay?

Sometimes you can be so crass.

[mocking]:
"Sometimes you can be so crass."

-And childish
-[mocking]: "And childish."

Besides, it's not something
I'm proud of.

Why not?

You've been pining over
that man for months

and you finally bagged him.

You see? That right there.

That's what I'm talking about.
"Bagged him"?

Relationships are just
a sport to you, right?

What's more fun than winning?

There's more to life
than winning and losing,

getting and throwing away.

Besides, I haven't been
pining over him.

Why would you even think that?

A mother knows these things,

and it sure isn't Oprah
that made you start up

that two-person
book club of yours.

It was good old-fashioned lust.

Men and women can be friends.

And I know that
you don't understand that,

given your experiences,
but it's true.

Okay? Sexual attraction
isn't always lust.

Cute. So what was it like?

I mean, was it everything
you imagined?

Do I need to go shopping
for a mother-of-the-bride dress?

Mama, please chill.

We probably won't ever
see each other again.

But why not?

Because he's just not
that into me, okay?

He's into Kat,
and he made that pretty clear.

And you just rolled over
and accepted it?

What was I supposed to do?
Hunt him down?

Capture him
with my net and spear?

Have I not taught you anything
in all these years?

Baby, if you want to be
with your Latin lover,

you are going to have to salsa
your way into his heart

and, baby, fight for that man.

Hmm?

Please, please stop
with all the Latin lover tropes.

Okay? It's degrading
and, frankly,

I thought you were trying
to better yourself

after your newfound money.

Snooty much?

I mean, what about
what I said, though?

The part about you
fighting for him.

Yeah, Mama,
I'm not gonna do that.

-But why not?
-I just told you,

he doesn't want me,
he wants Kat.

Okay, he basically said he only
sees me as being a friend,

and he apologized if he used me.

Okay? This was right after
we slept together.

Oh, honey,
don't take that personally.

Ted sang that same old song
to me a million times

when we were an item.

-Look at us now.
-You two aren't an item.

Nicole is divorcing him,

and I am living
two floors under him.

The way you spin reality
is mind-boggling.

And soon, it won't be
two floors under him.

I'll just be under him.

Ew. Mama.

Okay, Ted doesn't want you
any more than Tomas wants me.

Oh, honey.

These men don't know
what they want.

I mean, they think they do.

Ted and Tomas are just
two conflicted peas

in a testosterone-filled pod.

They're a couple of guys
who've convinced themselves that

they're supposed to be
with a Dupree woman

and that being with one
is going to somehow magically

bestow upon them
status and class.

But what they really want,

what they really need,
are women like us.

Strong women
who understand them.

And don't you dare
let some Dupree

or some man
who's a wannabe Dupree

make you think otherwise.

I just have to point out
one thing.

I didn't feel like I was
cheating on Kat at the time.

Oh, this again.
Convenient excuse.

I know how it sounds.
Just hear me out.

I thought Kat and I were done.

We'd had a huge fight,
and I left a bunch of messages

saying I wanted to talk,
and I didn't hear anything back.

In my mind, she was ghosting me,

so I thought
it was over between us.

Then I was helping Eva move
back into her apartment and...

And while you were
unpacking the bed,

you decided to fall into it?

I'm saying it wasn't me
knowingly cheating on Kat.

Eva and I are friends, and...

I wasn't exactly
in the best head space

after Kat told me
I was lousy in bed.

Maybe you are.

You know, Chelsea,
of all people,

you shouldn't be so quick
to talk about choosing partners.

Ooh, Tomas,
you can go low, can't you?

When I'm forced to.
I'm a lawyer.

I tend to meet people
where they are.

And?

The point is,
Eva was there for me.

And not gonna lie, we have
a strong physical connection,

but Kat is the woman
I want to be with.

After what happened
the other day, though,

I'm sure she wants
nothing to do with me.

I wouldn't go that far.

Well, I would. Kat hates me now.

Ugh. Kat loves you,
unfortunately.

You must be furious.

What Tomas did is contemptible.

And Eva.

I am genuinely surprised

that she would do
something like that.

You are always so forgiving
with her.

Well, she planned it.

I have been saying for months

that Eva was trying
to take Tomas away from me.

Nobody would listen,
including you.

And I was right.

In my defense, Kat,

you have had it out
for Eva since day one.

-If I was a little skeptical...
-You mean the first day

she infiltrated this house
under false pretenses

so that she could destroy
our family?

Crazy how my intuition
called that exactly.

She is genuinely
remorseful for that.

Clearly, she was a victim
of her hateful mother.

Oh. She was a coconspirator
with Leslie.

Nevertheless, I don't believe
that Eva is the type of person

that would set out to ruin
a happy relationship.

Am I wrong,
or is this yet another case

of your intuition being spot-on?

Well, maybe things
weren't exactly perfect

between Tomas and me.

We were having some... problems.

What kind of problems?

It doesn't matter.

Kat, of course it matters.

Identifying the problems is
the first step in solving them.

The simplest solution
would be to walk away.

But I still love him, Mom.

[sighs]

Then you should work
on the issues that'll make it

possible for the two of you
to stay together.

Well, if it's so simple,

does that mean you're gonna
work things out with Dad?

You think I'm being
too hard on Martin?

[Ted sighs]

Look, my son lied to you,

kept a secret
from you for years.

And when the truth comes out,
the person you trust the most

spits in your face
and tells you it's raining.

Yeah, that about sums it up.

And you want to know
how he could do that to you.

-Yes.
-By doing it to himself.

You tell yourself it's over,
it's in the past.

I didn't allow myself to believe

the secret was still present
in our lives,

eating away at our marriage

in ways large and small.

And now Nicole thinks
she can't trust me,

just like you don't think
you can trust Martin.

But if you love him, then you...

Of course.

Of course I love him.

I just... I just need...

something.

I just need, like...

Proof or a sign,

anything that tells me that
I can put my faith in him again.

The way that Martin
needs a sign that he could

tell you the truth
without blowing up the marriage.

You can't just
wait around for some

aha moment to restore
your faith in your husband.

Because, Smitty,
that's what faith is.

It's believing in something
you can't see.

Maybe you should decide
to trust him again.

Hmm.

I never thought
about it that way.

Yeah. Hope it helps.

For you and Martin

and for the sake of the kids.

I've lost enough.

I don't want to lose
a son-in-law, too.

Ah.

I have got to go honor a man

who doesn't have any more
chances to get it right.

Yeah, yeah,
Doug McBride's memorial.

Yeah.

-Take care of yourself, Smitty.
-You, too.

My marriage is in trouble
because of the choices I made.

Smitty keeps asking
for more time,

but I just wish there was
something I could do

to speed up the process,
make him see me in a new light.

Well, it sounds like
Smitty's expecting some

grand gesture from you
to regain his trust,

but I can't imagine
what that would be.

Maybe I can.

-Can what?
-Just a passing thought.

I probably should
get back to the office

and get up to speed
on the next bill.

All right. Bye, Gran.

-Bye, Gran.
-Mm-hmm.

Well, I wonder what that strange
little shuffle was all about.

[phone buzzing]

Bill.

So...

What happened in court?

[phone chimes]

Everything okay, Mama?

Everything's just fine,
but I got to go.

Are you sure
everything's all right?

I am delicious.

Now, don't you worry about me,
all right?

You worry about yourself.

And remember what I told you.

Fight for what you deserve.

And don't you dare
let the Duprees

tell you that you can
or can't have anything.

You deserve everything

that you want in life,
baby girl.

You hear me?

Even if it's that Bad Bunny
or whoever.

Tomas, Mama.

-Tomas.
-Just Tomas.

Just Tomas, yes.

[grunting rhythmically]

[laughing]

Tomas.

-Love you.
-Love you.

[door closes]

-So she actually said it?
-CHELSEA: Yes.

And despite my feelings
about it and you,

she still wants to be with you.

Listen up,

before that big old head
of yours gets any bigger,

there's something
that you should know.

Nothing could be more important
than Kat loving me.

This may only be the truth
according to me,

but I think that Kat
only said that

because she doesn't want
Eva to win.

This is more about her hating
her half-sister than loving you.

Well, since that's
just your opinion,

I still have a chance with Kat.

Yeah, and there's a chance
that people in hell

might find ice water, but I
don't expect it to be that easy.

-And another thing.
-What?

Kat's not going to come to you.

This is your mess to fix.

You hurt my cousin again,

and you better duck
when you see me coming.

That's a lot of talking,

but you still haven't
answered my question.

Do you ever intend
to forgive Dad?

Because if you don't,

you might want to stop giving me
advice about Tomas.

-Kat.
-It's okay.

I just realized our situations
aren't alike after all,

because at least I can admit
I still love the guy.

Knock, knock.

What are you doing here, Ted?

I just ran into Smitty
at Orphey Gene's,

and we got to talking
about him and Martin.

-Is Martin okay?
-Yes.

Didn't mean to alarm you.
He's fine.

Well, as fine as he can be while
staying at your parents' home.

I hope those two
can work things out.

So do I.

Just like I hope that
you and I can work things out.

-Ted, I...
-Look, I know you think

your mind is made up
about the divorce.

But at the moment,
we're still husband and wife.

True, but...

I assume you're going
to Doug's memorial.

-I'm writing the eulogy.
-Oh.

I look forward to hearing it.

You always had a way
of knowing people

slightly deeper
than the rest of us.

Anyway, since we're both going
and we spent so much time

with Vanessa and Doug
over the years,

um, maybe we could go together.

[sighs]

I would really like that.
I really would.

-Great. I can drive and...
-But I already have a ride.

Carlton is giving me a lift.
He asked me yesterday.

I'm sorry.

-I'll see you there.
-I see.

Yeah, I'll, uh...

I'll see you there.

[grunts]

[beeps, whirring]

[sighs]

LESLIE:
Have I not taught you anything

in all these years?

Baby, if you want to be
with your Latin lover,

you are going to have to fight
for that man.

It was worth a shot.
We'll be in touch.

The judge denied Bill's request
for an injunction.

Leslie is free to knock down
the colonial across the street

and begin construction
at any time.

How do we play this?

I'd love to slam the door
in her face,

but if we want to be in
a position to outmaneuver her,

we're gonna have to let her in.

Looks like we're gonna be seeing
a lot more of her from now on.

She's gonna milk this win
for all it's worth.

Probably sooner
rather than later.

[doorbell rings]

And we're getting so much better
at anticipating her.

Vern, you're opening
your own doors now?

I'll never do that.

-Auntie Anita.
-No hugs.

I think I'm coming down
with something.

-[clears throat]
-Oh.

What can we do for you, Leslie?

Don't know if you heard,
but I've just been given

the go-ahead to begin my
little project across the way.

We've heard.

I am determined
to be a good neighbor.

I don't want to cause you
any headaches,

but with the construction, well,
it's probably nearly impossible.

I mean, you've got the trucks
and the bulldozers and all,

so...

I thought I would bring you
a little something

for the inconvenience.

-What is that?
-It's a fruitcake.

How apropos.

I made it myself.

Oh, it's certainly early
for holiday baking.

It's only October.

Oh, no, you misunderstood.

I made it last Christmas.

As in ten months ago?

Oh, fruitcakes can keep in
the freezer for at least a year.

Dig in.

Uh, no, uh, that's okay, Leslie.

We just finished our breakfast,
but you can put that...

over by the coffee.

Okay.

Well, I hope that
you get a chance to enjoy it

when you have time.

I've got to get
across the street

and meet with
my general contractor.

And perhaps
your project manager?

Oh, so, so many people
to remember.

And to supervise.

I would warn you
about construction schemes,

but surely you've done
your research.

I have.

It's a good thing
you're available

to keep a constant eye
on things.

It is. Got to go.

Shouse to build. Toodle-oo.

-Well played.
-[chuckles]

[door closes]

Shall we call a hazmat team?

Only if they can remove
that biohazard

that moved in across the street.

How long you think we have
before the construction begins?

Huh? A day? Two?

[machinery rumbling,
beeping outside]

[phone buzzing]

What?

TOMAS [over phone]:
I feel terrible

about the way we left things.

I reserved a table
at the country club

and was wondering if you
wanted to meet me for lunch

so we could talk.

Sorry, I have other plans.

Oh, good. I found you.

Look, I need
to warn you about...

Tomas just called.

Can you believe
he had the nerve to ask me

to go to lunch at the club?

What would ever make him think
I would say yes?

Well... maybe because, um,

I told him that you love him
and you want him back.

[phone buzzing]

Eva.

EVA [over phone]:
Surprised?

Yeah, actually.

Look, I feel really terrible
about the way we left things,

and I was wondering
if you'd like to go to lunch.

Actually, I happen to have
a table for two

reserved at the club.

-You want to meet me there?
-It's a date.

Smitty.

Martin, hey.

I'm glad I could track you down.

There's something
I need to talk to you about.

What's going on? Is it the kids?

No, no, no.

Everything's fine with them.
It's about us.

-Okay.
-I've been thinking,

well, about everything.

I know I said I kept that
secret from you to protect you,

to make sure
you stayed out of it

and to make sure you would

be there for the kids
if anything went sideways.

But I realized something.

It was more than that.

I was afraid
of how you would see me.

That you would
look at me differently,

think less of me
because of what I did.

Be ashamed of me.

I'm not ashamed of you, Martin.

I know you say that,

but I think maybe
you've lost some respect for me,

for lying, for letting everyone
cover up my mistakes.

And if you lost
that respect for me,

maybe that's why you feel like
you can't trust me.

So the only way
I can get back to that...

I've decided
I need to turn myself in.