04x12 - A Well Fashioned Fit-Up

[bunniefuu]

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ Love you like you want me to

DOOR OPENS

Alright, Arthur?

'Not bad, Billy.
How's yourself?'

Stockroom is a bit barren,
my son.

Yeah, business is a bit thin
at the moment.

Say no more.

Billy and Nigel,
Loose Tailboard Enterprises,

at your service.

I mean this lot fell off the back
of rather high-class garment van.

No. Not today, lads.
Not today.

You don't believe me.

Clock these.

Dior, 'Artnell, Jayger,
'Ardy Amies, Burburry...

Aha...

The names were been removed
to protect the innocent.

You know what I mean.
But you take it from me, they're all there.

That's maybe,
But who's gonna protect me

if these goods
are not what you say now?

Arthur!
Would I unload garbage on you?

These dresses have got...
tone!

Yeah, you know that,
I can see that...

but it's not everyone
has got my eye for the finer things.

Here's sad fact, Billy.

Your average punter
wouldn't know a bit of class

- if it came out and smacked him in the eye.
- Grown it!

I mean these may be
The Real McCoy, but...

people are so suspicious.

But would anyone
doubt your word, Arthur?

Well, that's my point!
How do I spread the word?

Given the origin of these commons,
I can't exactly advertise, can I?

Gear like this
advertises itself.

Remember those class Italian jeans
we put your way?

What were they called again,
Nige?

- Fioruki.
- Were they sell all or what?

Yeah, I did managed to keep my head
above water on that little transaction.

Leave off, Arthur.

With that sort of brand name
you could've sold 'em 10 times over,

even if they all
had one leg missing.

Alright, alright,
so they were popular.

Popular?!
The man're joking!

You were embarrassed by the money
you've made on that deal.

Listen, Billy, where money is concerned,
it takes a lot of to embarrass me.

That's what I'm saying.
And these are even more up-market.

At the price we're asked,
all you need is a contact

at the quality end of the fashion trade
upon you in the right direction.

And you'll end up with the profit
that'll have you blushing for a week.

Ah.

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

"Terry, it's Kevin.
Kevin O'Hara."

Cor, dear. Hello, Kev!
How're you goin', mate?

You still in the pub game?

Yeah.
That's why I'm phoning you.

Listen.
How're you fixed for work?

Well, not exactly
rushed off me feet.

Good.

I've a proposition
that may interest you.

"Go easy on that shamrock -
it nearly had my head off with it!"

Look. I've been putted in charge
of a new boozer.

And we're opening
Saturday night.

Mind them harps!

"They're only polystyrene!"

Listen, I can't talk now.
Can you come over and see me?

I'm on the Kilburn High Road.

- "The Blarney Stone".
- Irish pub, is it?

How did you guess?

"The only thing is,
Kilburn's a bit of a schlep for me."

My motor is out of commission.

"Then get a mini-cab.
I'll bon your fires."

Oh no!

Not plastic leprechauns!
There's gotta be a limit.

Listen.
I have to go now.

Speak to you later.
Bye.

I'm glad I caught you,
Tel.

I want you to drive me somewhere.

What? You lost the use
of your arms and legs, have you?

No, no, no. I've got a bit of merchandise
need humping too.

Oh, I see.
So you feel to down yourself

- the old pack-horse, eh?
- What?

Listen, I could go potty in there
waiting to any sign of life from you.

Listen, I've been having
a thin time too, you know!

Oh? So now you thought you'd come around
click your old fingers and up I'd jump.

- Well, forget it! I have an appointment.
- Where?

- Kilburn, if you must know.
- That's alright.

We'll do our business up West
and then we go to Kilburn.

- Nah!
- Oh, come on, Terry!

There's only a few frocks.

I tell you what.
I'll drive you.

- You'll drop me off later?
- Yeah, yeah, of course.

You know, Terry, sometimes I despair
of this once-great nation of ours.

Here we go,
Arthur's lament.

I mean, look at that.
Look at it.

I mean, this country
is supposed to be on its knees.

It's nice to know the wheels of commerce
still grind it nobly on.

Yeah.
Backbone of the nation, innit?

I mean
it's because of industries like this

we can hold our heads up.

It's hardly the answer to mass unemployment
and raging inflation, is it?

Follow me.

What about...
Oi!

Eh, Terry...
This... lift's a bit pokey.

It won't take two of us all and them boxes.
I'll see you up there.

Second floor,
Ronald Shyvers Fashion Associates.

Just take the bo...

Oh!
Oh, sorry!

Don't worry about it.
Oh.

- Bung it back on top, eh?
- It's alright. I'll take it.

- Where're you going?
- Er... Second floor. Shyvers.

- Shyvers?
- Aha.

Mr Saliva.

Good morning, my dear.
Mr Shyvers in?

Is he expecting you?

Daley. Arthur Daley.
I rang earlier.

- Do you have an appointment?
- No, no. No, we're old friends.

Don't bother to show me through.
I'll give him a nice surprise.

Sorry!
You can't go...

It's alright, Pippa, dear.

- I'll announce them.
- Oh!

MUZAK

ARTHUR: Oh! Excuse me.
Excuse me, excuse me.

TERRY: Sorry.
ARTHUR: Oh, yeah...

This is more the sort of clientele
I had in mind.

I should be suprised
there's a bit of nobility amongst this lot.

I don't recognise anyone.

No. no, no.
I mean, look, minor nobility.

Count so-and-so and...
Baron such-and-such...

Lord help us!

The Japanese adore that type of dress.
You notice statistic...

Slapped wrist,
Ronnie naughty boy.

You've been floating on the gee-gees again,
haven't you?

Sorry, darling?

Your bookmaker's here to collect
his ill gold games.

Bookmaker?!

Do excuse me, Mrs Penrose.
I... I'll be right back.

Take that.

- Hello, Ronnie.
- Are you trying...

What are you trying to do?
To ruin me?

I mean I'm trying to entertain clients
and I had to continue

you turn my showroom
into a warehouse!

- Now what's it all about, Arthur?
- Just give me five minutes, Ronnie.

You would be glad
I dropped by.

Cop this.

Five minutes?

Zoe,
take over for five minutes.

Will Ronnie be long?

I wanted to ask him
how he thought I'd look in this.

You've done very well for yourself,
Ronnie.

In fact, I'm thinking of extending
fashion's side of my business.

You know,
move with the people who matter.

Oh, give me a favour, Arthur.
I'm a top fashion agent.

I represent the work of some
of the best designers in the country.

I deal in top-class
ready-to-wear,

not your cheap and nasty
High Street tat!

Do you call Dior and Norma 'Artnell
High Street tat?

- Is that what they're supposed to be?
- What d'you mean, 'supposed'?

I wouldn't thought
a man in your position

needed labels
to recognise quality.

Quite right. And I tell you
what you got this

never been paraded
down a top-class catwalk!

- How can you tell?
- The three Fs.

Eh?

Fibre,
Fabric and Finish.

Come on. I'll show you.

Come on.

Now these are all
the genuine article.

Natural wool,
natural silk

and crepe de chine.

What you've got there
I mean it's...

it's all synthetics mixtures.

I mean look at it!
I mean look!

Here, it's even got
a nylon lace on that one.

And look at the buttonholes,
the lining, the stitching...

it's...
it's all machined!

Well, 'course it's all machined.
How else would it be done?

By hand!

I mean... It's all hand-sewn my garments.
Look at that! Lovely!

- All hand-sewn.
- Look, Ronnie.

I have it from a reliable source
that all this stuff is kosher.

Kosher?

Well...
They're not bad imitations, Arthur,

but kosher...
huh!

It goes on all the time.

There is people
like my designers

who're usually on the receiving
end of rackets like this...

especially at this time of year.

Couple off weeks
before the start of a new season...

and you're in danger with little er...
moonlight visit.

Yeah, but the clothes you handle
are ever so unique,

I mean,
can be easily traceable.

Yeah, but it's not the clothes
they're after...

it's the ideas.

Once they get their eyes on the collection,
well...

it's flying off to somewhere
like Hong Kong.

The design is changed er...
well... ever so slightly...

just er... a pocket here,
a flap change there...

and a new range
is made up cheaply in some sweat shop...

and then flown back here
and marketed... as original collection.

Oh, ta.

Eh... It seemes to me
that what you need

is someone
to mind all this gear...

eh...
a bit informally.

You got someone in mind?

Yeah. My...
business associate outside

- Terence McCann.
- Mm.

You're telling me you think
he'll make a... reliable night watchman?

Absolutely.
With Terry on the premises

midnight creeping
will become obsolete.

Well, it sounds interesting.
Go on, Arthur.

DOOR OPENS

Ronnie, get out of here.
I can't take any more of this pain!

Terry, have you been annoying
this young lady?

Not him!

Tallulah Bankhead outside!

- Two more minutes of her...
- Don't worry, she can wait for a while.

Now come in
and meet Arthur Daley.

Arthur, this is Zoe.

Hello, my dear.
Model, are you?

- No. Dressmaker.
- Oh.

She's in fact
a very talented designer.

It's her first season for us.

I do of course handle er...
more established names.

If you can find them
under the cobwebs.

Yes, what our star turn
is trying to say, Arthur, is

all the other collections
are safe, predictable.

There's not one idea among the all bunch
that anyone wants to steal.

But with Zoe,
well...

She's that rare thing -
original.

Tsk.
Public recognition at last!

Yeah. That's why I want McCann
to forget about

everything else in my showroom...

and pay special attention
to Zoe's dresses.

- Do what?
- What's he talking about?

- Eh...
- Yeah, do you want to explain something

- to me, Arthur?
- No, no, no. Terry, Terry.

Ronnie has been...
explaining for last 5 minutes.

Yeah, and I was outside,
remember?

All right. Look.
It seems someone

would like to get their hands
on Zoe's collection

and take it for a walk.

So you gonna be minding it
for a couple of weeks.

- Arthur...
- So that's what you here for, eh?

Ronnie hired a muscle.

Don't you worry your head
about that, my dear.

Well, I know all
about 'ard men...

and the kind of people
they run errands for.

Right, the only thing to talk about now
is the fee.

Ehm...
Khm... Khm...

- Eh... Wait outside, Terry.
- No, no!

- You better start talking!
- No, no, no. Not now, not now, Terry.

- Not now...
- Listen! I can't do it, one.

- Second, I don't want to.
- You may appreciate this.

- I'll be out there in a minute. In a minute.
- Oi!

Er... Mr Daley,
I think he's slipped his lead.

Terry!
Terry!

Go away!
I don't wanna talk to you.

What have I done now?

That's just it!

- Don't know, do you?
- Tell me!

Oh, I see. What I say counts now
all of a sudden, does it?

Get in, Terry.
We'll discuss it on the way to Kilburn.

No thanks.
I'll get there on me own steam.

- BUS HORN HONKS
- Wait!

You see that?
He nearly had my wing!

- Get out of the bus lane, then.
- Bus lanes!

Is there not enough congestion
on the road already!

Come on, Terry!

Give me a mercy.
It is too much like aggravation.

It will be some aggravation,
if I get in that motor with you.

I mean, a bus?!

It'll do me!

- Move along inside!
- What's that? Oi!

Don't worry, Terry!
There'll be another one

along in half an hour.
[DING]

So what did you say you've got
to see this bloke about?

I didn't.

But as you've been fishing
for the last 3 months,

you might as well know.
I've got a little work lined up.

Eh?
What do you mean work?

- You can't go freelance.
- Why not?

Well.
'Cos there're certain...

rules and protocol
to have to be observed.

Oh, yeah?
Like the one that says

you can get your sticky little fingers
into anything I earn?

Well, forget it.
From now on, I'm on me own.

Hmm.

Terry! Let us not be headstrong
about this now.

Hello, Kev!
Is this green enough for you?

How are you, mate?

- Not so bad. Yourself?
- Yeah, smashing.

How much do I owe you, pal?

- What for?
- Nah, he thinks you're a cab driver.

This is Arthur Daley,
a mate of mine.

A business associate.

Kevin O'Hara.

That's handy.
Saved me a cab fare.

Eh-eh! There may be other ex's
to be consider though.

- Do what?
- Well, depending on the fee for the job.

£50 for 4 hours' work suit you?

Fifty sovs?

What's sort of function is it?
A Kray brothers' reunion?

No.

Saturday's opening night,
and you'll be gettinng that kind of dough

'cos you will be the lone agent
of law and order an'all.

Oh dear, oh Lord, cor...
Look.

Thanks for your confidence, mate,
but I used to drink here, remember?

When it was The Volunteer.

Yeah, and there was no shortage of those
when they all went off, was it?

Forget the spit
and sawdust days.

All this is got to be
a bit choice.

Nobody gets in
without collar and tie.

That'll look lovely with all the Wimpey
and McAlpine donkey jackets, would it?

For someone with the name like McCann,
you've got a funny idea of Irishmen, pal!

Terry,
why don't you get some drinks in.

Ohh... Sorry, I forgot me manners.
What do you want?

It's very kind of you.
Vodka and slimline.

Dry Martini for me, Tel.

- I'll get 'em, shall I?
- Yeah.

And whatever you have
for yourself.

Cheers!

- Please, a large vodka and...
- I was banking on Terry.

Ah, things are likely get a bit naughtier
than you let on, are they?

'Fraid so.
That's why I wanted the best.

Well, if you will negotiate
with the labour force direct,

what do you exp... ah!

- No ice.
- Cheers.

You think you could you get him
to come across?

Well.
There'd be a consultancy fee.

A score.

- A pony.
- Done.

Shows how much I need you,
did it?

I suppose there is no way you gonna
help me out with the Shyvers job?

Nope!

I'm not gonna to sit up all night
in the dark,

looking after a lot of frocks.

'All night in the dark'?

If I didnt know you better
I'd say your bottle had gone.

Tell you what,
YOU do my job now and then.

- See how you like the flavour.
- Ha-ha.

It don't take my brains
to ever fight.

When I was younger man, I used
to take all that nonsense in my stride.

Your bottle goes
at the thought of it!

You only been with me
since I went up-market.

- Ha!
- I used to be a bit useful.

You have the fightin' heart
of a blancmange!

Yeah.
Go on, sneer!

Anyway, I can't do it,
even if I wanted to.

Why not?

The Blarney Stone!
Remember?

I just agreed to work there
Saturday night, didn't I?

So?

So I can't be in two places
at once.

Oh. Pub jobs are ten a penny.

Well, I ain't proud.

- Nah...
- Nah...

It's too sniffy to take a soft number
with a quality load with you.

Way we been scratching around
these last few weeks,

I'm very tempted
to do it meself!

Alright, alright!

What?

You stand in for me Saturday night
while I'm at the boozer,

and I'll do the rest of the fortnight.

No, no, no.
Hold on, Terry, hold on.

Nah, it'll be a doddle for you,
son...

especially at your age.

Cor, dear...
Look at this.

You're making heavy weather
of that, Terry.

I'd be better off on the floor.

No, no, no, no. Perseverance, my son.
It'll be well worthwhile.

That is a top-quality
camp bed.

Do what?!

I tell you, that winos
on the Embankment'd

are geting a better night's kip
than me.

Yeah.
That's gratitude for you,

after I brought it along myself
at no small inconvenience.

- I am sorry.
- That's alright.

And don't...
don't worry about paying me now.

I'll dock it off your wages.

- You're all heart, you are.
- Yeah, I know.

- Aargh!
- Oh, mind your fingers.

This is not very convenient,
Arthur.

- I trust they won't be here for long.
- Of course not.

Dave! I can't leave 'em in the motor.
They're like gold bullion.

Alright... I hope the rightful owner
don't turn up and claim 'em!

- I am the rightful owner.
- Oh, yeah?

Of course I am.

Got invoices, receipts, everything
from Customs and Excise.

- Foreign, are they?
- Some of 'em, yeah.

Hey.
When's your good lady's birthday?

More than an hour.
Couple a months' time.

This could be your lucky day.

- I hope not.
- Dave...

pass over that top box, will you?
I'll show you something.

She is er... 12, isn't she,
your good lady?

I think she's gonna be 39
again.

No, no, she's a 12, Dave.
Trust me. Excuse me.

No problem at all.

You have to look at this.
Hang on to that for us, will you?

Look at that.

Isn't that beautiful?

- Is it?
- Of course it is!

- Christine Dior.
- Christian.

Well... I didn't ask.
Perhaps she could be.

- Seems a nice lady.
- She's a fella, Arthur.

- Who told you that?
- It's a well-known fact.

Oh. You don't know
where you are these days, do you?

Anyway, the point is

that this comes from
his or her shop in Paris.

And I tell you this,

'Er Indoors would be livid
if I don't give her first refusal.

Well, I think
'Er Indoors should have first refusal.

Wrong size, Dave.

Hey, look.
Have a look at this.

This is what we call...

a creation.

Oh. Yeah?

Looks just like a dress
to me.

I know, Dave. That's because
you are not familiar with the 3 Fs.

I beg your pardon?

Fibre, Finish
and F-F... F...

Ehm... whatchamacallit...
Material.

That ain't an F, Arthur.

Uh, Fabric, Fabric -
is what we call it in the demi-monde.

Oh, I thought it was called...
haute cut-ure.

Well, yes, yes.
That's a similar phrase, Dave.

I seem to be talking to someone
who is a bit of an expert.

Well, I... I... I do like to thumb
through the pages of Vogue,

from time to time.

Well, in that case have a butcher's
at them buttonholes.

Buttonholes, eh?

- Hand-stitched.
- Stitched up, more likely.

How would I do that to you,
Dave?

Hello, Ted!
Hang on a sec, you don't mind, do you?

He is about the same shape in size
as your missus,

- isn't he?
- He's thinner.

- Now. Just... Just hold that up there.
- Come on, Arthur.

Just there you go.

- No. What'll people got to think?
- Not these days, Ted.

Look at that.
Give us a twirl...

like the models do on the cakewalk.
Round you go.

Get the picture, Dave?

See?
Simple c*ck dress

formal but casual for them little functions
at the Hilton or at home with your friends.

It is nice, Arthur.
I give you that's very nice.

I thought you like it.
Eighty sovs to you.

Eighteen pound.

Oh, you're wicked character,
Dave.

Eight tenners.
That's an original.

So are you, Arthur.

Seventy, to you.

One more word from you, Arthur,
and I'll get you to settle your slate.

Bit strong, Arthur.

- Dior.
- Oh yeah?

Tell you what, Ted...

- it don't half suit you.
- Yeah?

Don't fancy it, do you?

- Ay, ay.
- Hello.

[SNIFFS]
Here.

This place stinks
of vindaloo!

That takeaway
does linger a bit, does it?

It's diabolical!
It's got right into the garments!

What am I supposed to do,
starve?

You didn't go out to collect it,
did you?

Nah, I phoned on the Bombay Grab, they delivered it.

- The Bombay Grab?!
- Yeah.

Well, tonight, McCann,
no foreign food!

Yeah, alright.

- Right.
- Fine.

I'll have fish'n'chips...

with lashings the sort of vinegar.

That old cigar
don't half pen an' ink, didn't it?

Ta-da.

Oops!
Sorry, love.

My fault.
I'm not...

- Zoe!
- Terry!

Every time we meet,
something falls on the floor.

We would to play
pass the parcel. Ha-ha.

I'd only drop it again -
I'm still half asleep.

Half asleep? I've done a full day's work
in your governor's place up West.

Oh. Meaning us creative types
lie in bed half the morning?

Tell you what,
you don't half look different.

Oh, my clothes.

Well, you get suited up
when you go to the function, right?

And when you're at work
then you dress down.

With me, it's all way round.

I'll get change later in the day,
but...

why should I be permanently
on parade?

Yeah, but you're a fashion designer,
ain't you?

And you're supposed to be
an hard man.

Do you walk around
in hobnail boots all day?

Hobnail boots?

I thought you're supposed to know
about hard men.

I've got brothers.
I've been out with fellas like you...

all macho,
all muscle on top,

- marshmallows underneath.
- Not me.

Heart of iron,
nerves of steel.

Done any boxing?

Me? Yeah.
Yeah, lots.

- Any good?
- Well, not too shabby.

I was just on my way to the gym now,
as it happens.

Well, it's a shame. I was about to tempt you
with an offer you couldn't refuse...

a cup of instant coffee.

Oh,
d'you live round here then?

Number 13.

Eh.

I tell you
I might pop in on the way home,

- and take you up on your offer.
- Yeah, alright.

'Ardy Amies is on my rails,
Arthur.'

That's all I'm short of.

Look, Gerry... Look at that.
I mean look, go on, have a look.

Show me a single fault
in the workmanship.

It's not that, Arthur.

If I put those alongside
with my regular stock,

I'll have the law around here
in no time flat.

- Sew your own labels in.
- No.

It's too up-market for me.

This ain't 'Arrods,
you know.

Now tell me, where did you learn
to be a designer, eh?

Art school.

Art school? Really?

Did you enjoy it,
do you?

Yeah!
Yeah, it's what I'm good at, innit?

And it gives one the chance
to mix with a better class of person.

You didn't seem
too impressed with them yesterday.

Oh, Cor... By that lot?

That lot make me wanna
start scratching.

What about Shyvers? I mean
you're not too fond of him either, are you?

No. Not a lot.

So why did I get involved
with him?

Well, the thought had flitted
across me mind, yeah.

How can I explain it to you?

When you were boxing,
how much did you make on a good night?

A good night? I dunno.

About £200, I suppose.

And the promoters?

Yeah, I know what you mean.
A lot more then that.

How many them blokes
still make a living fighting, eh?

What, now?
None of them, I wouldn't think.

No, but the promoters
are still going strong, aren't they?

It's a fairly safe bet,
yeah.

Well, what's all this
about promoters?

If Shyvers was in boxing,
what do you think he'd be?

Well, there wouldn't be a lot of chance
to him be taken a right-hander I suppose.

Not in the ring, anyway.
[GIGGLES]

Nah...
But you did, didn't you, eh?

For what?
£200 on a good night?

I fought the British Champion,
once.

You were a contender,
eh?

Yeah.

Along with how many others?

I may have any go at it, Terry, but
it's the same all over the bloody place.

The town is calling
with contenders!

And Shyvers gives me
exactly the same line.

Work like a dog
for Mickey Mouse money,

and then you get a shot
at the title.

Only somehow it never happens.

Before you know you're replaced
by another bleeding contender.

Yeah. But if promoters don't back you,
you've got no chance, have you?

Right. They got it well sewn up,
didn't they?

I've got a Shyvers sussed though.

I'll only stay there
till I get my name known...

then he gets the big E.

Yeah, but in the meantime...
a girl's gotta eat, ain't she?

Tell you
I'll take you for a nice Chinese, eh?

Proper one, a sit-down job.

Well...

It's gotta be better than cheese,
isn't it?

Laurie, I'm offering you exclusively,
at knock-down prices.

I tell you, my son,
stick these on your hangers...

and before the creases can drop out,
you'll be asking me for more.

Arthur,
just hold up a minute.

Take a look at my customers.

Degenerates.
I'm catering for degenerates.

It's not my taste,
but it's a living.

So bring a little refinement
into their lives.

No, I don't think so.
Now, if you don't mind...

I get enough sideways
glances as is.

You'll hang much longer with that stuff,
my reputation is finished.

Laurie...
Norma 'Artnell.

She used to dress royalty.

Why don't you say so?

Be handy next time Princess Margaret
drives in for something off the peg.

I knew it was useless
offering you anything of quality.

Oi!
Arthur!

ARTHUR!

'Ere a minute!

You c*ck a deaf 'un
or what?

No.

I'm just speechless
at the nerve of you two.

tooting me up like that
after slipping me this moody gear.

Moody gear?

My own fault
for not looking closer.

That's what you get
for taking people on trust.

You mean those dresses
are Sexton Blakes?

Are they fakes?

Machine finishing,
synthetic fabrics...

On my life, Arthur,
we didn't know.

Nah...
You don't want 'em back ether, do you?

Nah, well...

I tell you what I'm prepared
to do.

We'll take 'em of your answer
if you'll accommodation

a little proposition
we want to put to you.

Thank Gawd I found you!

- I need a score.
- Not now, Terry.

No.
I've got problems.

Billy and Nigel want to store
some stuff in the lock-up

for a few hours
at Saturday night.

There an example to us all
those two are, ain't they?

I mean the way they work
at such unsociable hours.

There's nothing shady about it.

What? Billy and Nigel?

While they flit about
they've forgotten what daylight is!

Anyway, if it's all above board,
what's the problem?

Saturday night!

So?

That's the night I have to stand in
for you at the showroom.

Give 'em the keys. They're big boys.
They'll unlock it themselves, can they?

Come on, Terry!
There's a lot of valuable gear in my lock-up!

I mean I know
they're business associates of mine,

but that's no reason
to put temptation in their way.

TERRY SMIRKS
You're such a trusting soul, didn't you?

Look,
give us a tenner if you're pushed.

You might at least
try and help me.

I don't see what I can do.

Sub out that pub job
to someone else.

I can't.
Kevin wants me.

I can't let Billy and Nigel
down.

And I can't let Kevin down.

What're you on the tap for
anyway?

I thought of taking little Zoe out
to the old Peking Palace.

Ooh, no...

You're better off away
from that sort, Terry.

Very funny people them
frock designers.

'Specially ones
from Bethnal Green.

You should know, after your performance
at Shyster's showroom.

Shyvers.

Look, just give us a sub,
will you?

- I'll see what I can do.
- Will you?

I won't forget this, Terry.

And the other one?

What time are you meeting
Nigel and Billy?

Midnight-ish.

That should be alright then.

I'll get away from the boozer
and I'll set you on your way.

What? You mean
I still gotta guard that showroom?

It's the best I can do,
mate.

See you later.
Have a nice meal.

Hello, Ronnie.

Arthur!

- Where's McCann?
- He's coming on later.

I'm his stand-in for him
till midnight.

You?

Don't you start.
I've had enough of that from Terry!

I mean I have done a bit in my time,
you know.

I'm well aware of that,
Arthur.

And even knowing the all means street
might be helped by all that bulk,

I bet you've got a few tricks
up your sleeve, eh?

Now let's...
just I want you to be sensible, see if...

anyone comes creeping round here at night
while you're in charge...

no heroics, right?

I mean some of those psychopaths
with sawn-off shotguns

they don't stop
to ask questions.

And I tell you,
much as I value that collection...

well...
if anything should...

if anything should happen to you,
Arthur,

I'd never forgive myself.

So look...
you hold the fort till Terry comes,

- what time? 12 o'clock?
- Yeah.

Right.
Now remember,

low... profile,
right?

Ciao.

Terry.

Give us half a lager.

Come on. Cheer up!
Band is not that bad, is it?

Those brewers
make me smile.

They've got about as much idea
of an Irishmen as you have.

Not content
with outing the disco...

and stacking the jukebox
with Jim Reeves records...

I have to bring this lot in
for oak match.

Who are they?

The Shamrocks.

Leave off,
you're gettin' me at it, isn't you?

I wish I was.

Well, it's not my scene
but...

Well. Most of the punters in here
are Irish anyway, are they?

That's right.
And they're not amused.

Now I can see why they'd might think
someone's havin' a go at them.

You said it.

And how a bunch of Aran sweaters
chilling??? at.

'diddle-diddle-diddle-di'
I leave it in scone to put that

and lean on it.

IRISH JIG

Terry McCann.

Cor, dear old Lord!
You still drink in here?

- Only just.
- Not impressed?

They havin' us on.
Got to be.

It can't get much worse, can it?
[TERRY CHUCKLES]

Can't it?
You haven't seen who just walked in.

Where did they get that lot from?
Rent-a-Mick?

They're not true.

You sure the brewery hasn't designed
this lot as well?

I dunno, mate.

Now I take it from the gear
that you're on the firm.

I'm just here to keep a bit of order
that's all.

Ah.
Good luck to you!

My geez...
Have you see the size of him?!

- Ooh.
- It's not real.

Tell me it is not real.

I mean damn this. Top one
of them 'begorrahs', I'm off!

DOORBELL

DOORBELL

DOORBELL

DOORBELL

IRISH JIG

Stand back!
Let the dog see the rabbit.

Here!
We're in company here.

Alright. Keep calm.
Keep calm.

Imaging he just wants serving.
All right?

- All right?
- That's right!

And if I want a waiter,
I'll call one.

Here,
have a seat.

It can't be that joke,
must've taken as all of your brain.

Now you stay where you are
and give your own brain a rest.

Ha-ha-ha!

What's that?
I want a pint.

Fill it up.

And put the flowers
back in the vase

and give us
in a straight glass.

Bloody dimples...

and handles
you can't get your fingers through!

It happens when one have a hand
like a bunch of bananas.

Yeah. That's how
these glasses get dimples upon it

from blokes like you
squeezing them too hard.

Listen, that's straight.
Is it alright? All right?

In no time he'll find something
to bellyache about.

It's a bit cloudy.

What d'you want for 85 pence?

A thunderstorm?

Leave it out, Mick!

So long!

One, two, tree!

IRISH FOLK MUSIC

Do something!

Get this thing down!

TERRY!

They're breakin' me harps!

What?

They're destroying
all the furniture!

Terry! I'm paying you
to stop all this!

Hold it! Hold it!

Hold on!
Listen, chaps!

No excess!

What is going...

Come on.
Leave it out!

Ah! There you are!
Where've ya been?

Aagh!

Oh my Gawd!

SOUNDS OF PUNCHING AND DESTRUCTION

DISTANT POLICE SIRENS

Always gets them on their feet,
that one.

DOORBELL RINGS INSISTENTLY

RINGING

RINGING

RINGING STOPS

RINGING RESUMES

RINGING STOPS

PHONE RINGS
Aah!

- Terry
- Arthur, listen.

There's been a right bull and cow
down 'ere.

- I'm standing in what's left of the pub.
- "Terry, you must get over here!"

You've never seen anything like it,
mate!

Well, never mind all that, Terry.
I want you over here right away!

No.
That's just it, mate, I can't.

"Terry, Terry,
you've got to..."

No. The Old Bill are here,
they taking a few statements.

- so I've gotta hang around.
- But I'm being invaded!

The doorbell won't stop ringing!

"Why don't you answer it?"

What?
And get me head pulled off my shoulders

by some gorilla
in a balaclava helmet?

Arthur. How many villains d'you know
come in the front door?

Well, perhaps they've be casing the place
to see if anyone's in residence.

"Alright, maybe. Er... Look,
I'll be as soon as possible, right?"

Midnight, Terry.
I can't keep Billy and Nigel waiting.

Arthur, don't you dare
leave that collection!

I've only got to open
the warehouse for 'em.

Arthur!

Alright, alright.

Alright, then.
I'll see ya.

PHONE RINGS

Alright, Kev.
I'll see you later, mate.

What are you doing?

What are you doing here?

Zoe phoned me.

- Did you open this?
- Look, I've only just arrived.

Shall we go up, eh?

Yeah, if you want.

It's funny though,
no sign of damage anywhere.

Ooh, dear..

Just your stuff, eh?
Oh...

Nothing else as much as ruffled.

Straight in and out.

Not a mark to be seen.

Not that if they'd have come
against much opposition!

- Are you trying to say something?
- I am saying it!

I was leaning on that doorbell
for ages earlier on to

for all the good it did me!

Why would you come popping in here
at this time of night, eh?

To check up on you!

- Oh, really?
- Yeah, really!

Where were you,
Terry?

I was out on another job!

Arthur was standing in for me.

Well, an able deputy
he turned out to be, didn't he?

What's that supposed to mean?

I'll tell you
what it bloody means!

Look around here.

There is no sign of a struggle...

and even less sign of Arthur.

- You called the Old Bill.
- Waste of time!

Break-ins are 10 a penny just before
collections are due to be shown.

Stuff gets nicked all sale.

Yeah, I don't think you'd be too anxious
to get in touch with 'em.

Yeah.
And if I did,

I wouldn't waste any time
pointing them in your direction.

Oh yeah?

Arthur comes here
with bent dresses.

And gets me to take you want
to look after my stock.

I must need my bumps feeling!

Listen you, schmuck!

You'll have
a few more bumps to feel

- if you don't button it!
- Just a minute, just a minute...

- Don't you threaten me, McCann.
- Oh no?!

- Now I can have you seen to
- Ha-ha.

by a men who would take you apart
without raising a sweat!

And I will too
you and Arthur!

So just brush up your act

and stop insulting
my intelligence.

Look, hang on!

I'll see you tomorrow
in the office.

And if I don't like
what you got to tell me... well eh...

you and Arthur
will be get a little visit.

Come on you, we'd better go and see
what Arthur has to say.

Arthur!
ARTHUR!

I knew it!
I bloody knew it!

No, be fair. I had to open up
for Billy and Nigel.

My word is my bond.
Ronnie would understand that.

You just couldn't say no
to a double earner, could you?!

- No, Terry...
- While you were scattering over here

to make your shady rendezvous...
someone tiptoed in behind you

and made off
with Zoe's collection!

- No!
- Yes.

And gentleman Ronnie Shyvers
lost no time in putting you and me up

- in the frame as No.1 suspects.
- What?!

You call me responsible,
do you?

- Gordon Bennett!
- That's... Look...

That's...
That's Billy and Nigel now!

It's you don't give a monkey's,
is it?!

Take the money and run,
that was always your game, innit?!

Well, you've come badly unstuck
this time, sunshine!

Oi, McCann!
Never mind the sermon...

explain this lot!

- What?
- What...

My collection!

- What've you done, eh?!
- Eeaah-ha-ha-ha!

What's this, Tel?
Citizen's arrest? [LAUGHS]

- I don't believe this!
- Convince me!

What are you talking about?

This is the gear that Arthur
should've been looking after

while he was waiting
for you!

Arthur?
Looking after these dresses?

- What's the joke?
- Oh, it's nothing.

It's only the geezer we lifted this lot for
told us we'll have no trouble

said there only be some spineless
old dollop looking after it.

And he'd probably faint
as soon as he saw us!

[LAUGHS]

So who else knew
you were minding the shop?

Spineless old d...
was he talking about me?!

That was supposed to be a private
arrangement between us two, innit?

Does that sound like me
to you?

Well, somebody knew you were there,
right?

- Who?
- Well, only Ronnie.

But he wouldn't talk about me
like that.

He holds me
in very high regard.

- Ronnie?
- Yeah.

He was there
when I went on duty.

Well, that's it, innit then?

Listen, the bloke who hired you
was he called Shyvers?

Dunno, Tel. Didn't ask for references,
you know what I mean?

He's a middle-aged geezer,
about his handwriting,

big loudy
and a carnation.

You got 'im.

But... but...
Why would he want to lift his own gear?

It's not his gear,
it's mine gear!

The stunt like this
is make it his though.

He'd earn 100 times the amount
that he fused just my agent.

Yeah,
but why get us to mind it?

Look at our form!

I mean if that all goes missing,
who'd they be likely to suspect, eh?

We must have came
gift-wrapped for this!

Look.
What happens now?

Dunno.

We park, come to over here,
some other fellas pick it up later on.

You don't know where it's going?

Is it going to Hong Kong?

Could be.

It's going outta the country
I do know that.

No it ain't.

Listen, these other fellas
did they know what they're picking up?

Just dresses.

I think it's time
to make a little swap.

Alright. One more little call to make
and we'll all be well happy.

[INDISTINCT]

- Bye.
- Cheers.

Arthur!

- Ron!
- Daer boy!

Lovely to see you!

Here well...
I was just thinking about you.

Yeah. I thought you might be,
Ronnie.

We go back for a long way together,
don't we, Arthur?

Yeah, yeah.
We do.

We were a fly crowd,
weren't we, ah?

Yeah, we pulled a few strokes.

We certainly did.

But you know...
there was always the cardinal rule...

turn over anyone else...

but never...
one of your own.

Quite right, too.
Quite right.

You know eh... I might
rub shoulders with the elite...

but I always like to think
of people like that

of being my own.

People who...
know what's what.

And that's...
what hurts.

What's that, Ron?

That you should take me...
for an 18-carat mug!

I'm glad you've turned up,
Arthur...

and I hope,
for your sake,

you got something to show me.

Funny you should say that,
Ron.

What's all this?

"Design clothes by Zo-...

Agent: Arthur Daley"?!

Yeah. We're going
to have it made up into a card,

you know, with a decollage.
Tasteful, innit?

What's all this about?

Suppose it's simple,
Ronnie.

I'm not too pleased
about the security arrangements.

So I've agreed to represent her.

Oh yeah?

And just what collection do you think
you'll be representing, Arthur?

Why'd you ask that?

I mean we're supposed to be
the ones who lifted it!

Have you got it, then?

We did manage to intercept it
before it left the country, yes.

But we didn't manage
to apprehand the villains.

Nah...
But we did made a crafty switch.

Switch?

Yeah. We swapped Zoe's clothes for...
what that y'call them other things?

- High Street tat.
- Yeah.

Yes.
Good, isn't it?

Cheap Hong Kong imitations
being shipped to Hong Kong

- to be imitated.
- Yeah.

They will tumble that
straightaway.

Not unless someone in here
phones up to stop the production.

And whoever does that
is gonna lose a lot of credibility

with their business partners
over there.

Yeah. People don't like being messed around
where money is concerned.

Could happen the most terrible
repercussions.

Too right!

I reckon whoever's behind this little deal
is gonna find themselves highly unpopular.

And, one way or another,
well out of pocket.

Ooh,
I think we'd better blow.

Ronnie don't look at all well.

I'll pop back later
for Terry's fee, Ronnie.

'Spineless old dollop'!
At least I'm one jump ahead of him!

Here you go,
a souvenir!

What about our little
business arrangement?

Listen, I only went along
with that moonshine

so you could gloat
at Shyvers.

You don't seriously think I'd give my job
up here and come with you

- do you, eh?
- You could do a lot worse, my dear.

I doubt it! Ronnie's might be a crook,
but at least he knows the rag trade!

Yeah. Not enough to stop me
put him one over on in that.

Oi!
That swap was my idea!

Oh.
Was it?

Yes!

You genius you are,
Terry.

Yeah,
I have me moments.

You suspected Shyvers
all the time, didn't you?

You bet! And I thought
you gonna keep any other villains at bay.

I thought you're supposed to know
all about fellas like me.

I made a mistake, didn't I?

You certainly did.

Shame really, innit?
I never met a bird like you before.

Oh. And he rode manfully
into the sunset.

That's it.
Ha-ha.

Oh. Stop pining for what might've been,
Terry.

You're lovely geezer,
but I never fancied you. Chao.

- Ta-ra.
- Cheeky little cow!

See you around, kid.
Keep bobbing and weaving, won't you?

- Bye.
- Ta-da.

There's gratitude for you!
I bought her a Chinese nosh an'all.

Perhaps that'll teach you
to be less profligate with your money.

Ah, yeah.
Talking about money em...

- Eh?
- it's divvy-up time.

- Ah. Ah, yeah.
- What do you mean, 'Ah, ah, yeah'?

- I got to make a few deductions.
- Do what?

I mean you did leave the goods unattended
to go to another job, didn't you?

Am I hearing things?
That was you! Remember?

It caused a considerable of aggravation,
and I mean...

directive I made desired
I'd let a rail of Diors and 'Artnells go.

Diors and 'Artnells. Cos you couldn't wait
to see the back of them!

I never got a penny for them,
not as like!

What about backhander
that Nigel and Billy gave you, eh?

For the use of the lock-up,
eh?

Lock-up?
That was a favour, Terry!

Favour! You?

Now tell me the one
about The Three Bears, go on!

Oi!
Arthur!

- Oh my Gawd!
- Nah, nah... Leave it.

Walk away, son,
walk away.

DENNIS WATERMAN:
"I Could Be So Good For You"

Subtitles by Deluxe

resync, a few missing dashes and lines
and a lot of missing words by 7kozlov
= = www.myfbs.ru = =

♪ If you want to
I'll change the situation

♪ Right people right time

♪ Just the wrong location

♪ I've got a good idea

♪ Just you keep me near,
I'll be so good for you

♪ I could be so good for you,
I'm gonna help you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ I'll do anything for you ooh-ooh

♪ I'll be so good for you

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ I'll do it like you want me to

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ There ain't nothing
I can't go through ooh-ooh

♪ I'll be so good for you ♪