Mailbag Robbery, The (1957)

[bunniefuu]

The train now standing

at number four platform

is the overnight express for London only.

London only. The train is now standing

at platform four.

That's the way I see it, foolproof.

-Well?

-Sensational, can't miss,

the best idea you ever had.

-A few points, Ronnie…

-There's only one point, Phil.

This is the biggest job yet.

We can retire for life when it's done.

Sure, but it's gotta be done right.

Robbing the mails,

we can retire for life, all right.

Hey you, how many jobs

have we done together?

-Six.

-How many times we've been caught?

Don't get overconfident.

I'm only getting one thing and that's

tired of jewelry, furs, stuff like that.

We take it to the Feds, what do we get?

A crummy ten percent.

But this stuff pays off in full, cash!

Biggest load of cash you ever saw.

Well, there's nothing wrong

with the objective.

And there's nothing wrong with the plan.

Listen, the first Tuesday of every month,

the banks up there

send half a million pounds

down to London by registered mail.

That's a million and a half dollars

for destruction.

Well, it's too dirty

for the public to handle

but it's plenty clean enough for us.

Can't you see?

Until this stuff goes into the mincer,

it's still money!

Yeah, you've already said that.

So I have to say everything twice to get

it across. All you have to do is say yes.

-I say yes, but…

-Listen, Phil.

I've taken this trip eight times.

It's easy.

Sure, it's easy. You've checked everything

but you've made it all too complex.

I've taken this trip eight times

with a stopwatch and a map.

I know how it should go.

-Listen, Ronnie. Listen to Phil.

-I'm listening, aren't I?

All right. First of all, we bring our own

labels for the "Just married" business.

Don't rely on the guard giving them to us.

But he's got them,

it looks more natural that way.

Once in ten years, he forgets them.

It happens.

Next point.

I'm still on the same point.

It's not for me to talk to the guard.

Mr. Husband

must take care of that himself.

He's right, you know. And another thing,

you certainly don't want the guard to know

that Phil has got anything to do

with you and the girl.

Why doesn't Phil travel

as an ordinary passenger?

Okay. So you're both a couple of geniuses.

Anything else?

-Second, the mustache.

-What about it?

Well, disguise is really for the experts.

Either it looks exactly right

or it looks phony,

too obvious,

everything that we want to avoid.

Change in clothes is all the disguise

you need. The getaway is so fast,

-but…

-But what?

-Don't change until after the job is done.

-But why wait so long?

The strength of the plan, wedding bells,

is also its weakness.

Strong because it gets you

into the exact carriage you want.

Weak on account that it lets the guard

get a good look at you by invitation.

Now suppose the guard

comes into the carriage?

-He won't.

-It's possible.

Then he sees you looking different,

so he starts thinking, doesn't he?

I guess you're right.

Okay. So you'll change

after the tickets have been collected.

-Is that all?

-Third and the most important one of all.

Are you sure that we can get from

one carriage to the other that easily?

Checked. We can get the tacks

out of the upholstery with a nail file.

Underneath on each corner,

there's a big bolt.

-Going all the way through?

-Checked, right through.

Okay, Ronnie, it's a great setup.

But I still want to check it myself.

How many times do I have to tell you

I've checked it?

Okay, mastermind. Now what?

Look. As soon as you

get aboard that train,

I want you to make me out a full report.

Then when I give you a signal,

pass it to me through the door.

Okay, okay.

You got anything else to say?

All right. Tomorrow's Tuesday.

-Your wedding day?

-Right.

Aren't you short of a bride?

We'll talk about that over coffee.

Jackie.

Three cappuccino, one salad.

-We'll take our little trip tomorrow.

-Yes, sir.

The mustache

you can do without, Ronnie,

but the clothes changing routine, never.

Look, Ronnie, I don't think I like

the idea of a girl on a job like this.

I thought you wanted to retire, Phil.

Sounds like he's retired already.

Oh, okay.

I know it's okay.

How are you gonna like being my wife, huh?

I love you too, sweetheart.

Until this deal goes through,

that'll keep.

Here. You better get used to wearing this.

A wedding ring, huh?

Just in case you forgot, Ronnie.

That fits pretty good.

Where'd you get it, Phil?

Oh, someone gave it to me a long time ago.

Gave it back, you mean.

The train now standing

at number four platform

is the overnight express for London only.

London only. The train is now standing

at platform four.

Pardon me, lady.

This carriage is reserved.

I'm sure you'll understand.

Calmer than that, Ronnie.

You gotta square the guard yet.

Hey, guard!

What is it, sir? Just married.

Now isn't that nice?

Nobody seeing you off?

No. No… we're all alone.

-Nobody will disturb you.

-Not even for breakfast?

All right, I'll see to that.

You're a real pal, cupid with a whistle.

I shan't forget you two.

Today is my 20th wedding anniversary.

Well, they all say the first 20 years

is the worst.

Yeah.

Did you hear that? Phil was wrong.

I should've worn that mustache.

Time, time,

we're all dominated by time!

Charlie.

Charlie, get down.

-Charlie.

-Now Charlie, do as your father says.

Charlie, you'll fall, hurt yourself.

Do they have to make such a racket

shutting doors around here?

The place is like a bowling alley.

Twenty-four hours from now,

you can buy your own railroad.

You can have the doors shut

any way you want.

Now take it easy.

Oh, you're so calm.

Try it.

It's a long way to go yet.

I should've worn that mustache.

Can you figure me listening to Phil?

You told me yourself

without Phil, this job's sunk.

I changed my mind.

You're crazy, you can't cross him.

I'm crazy to cut him in

in the first place.

This is my part.

I only need you and Gibbsy.

How come I invited Phil?

Because he's got the experience,

you said it.

Face it cold, this is a one-time job.

We're gonna make history.

We don't need the experience,

we're creating it.

Not without Phil.

We could be on the move

without him realizing it.

You might. I won't.

Personal reason?

So Phil was wrong about the disguise,

okay.

He'll be right when it counts,

you know that.

I guess so.

I just wanted to show him

we could do without him.

Forget it. We can't.

One thing I can't forget.

I need you.

That'll keep.

Right now, you report for Phil.

Thank you.

Charlie, darling, you'll hurt yourself.

Charlie, be careful.

Now…

you could go to sleep on the seat,

-wouldn't that be nice?

-No.

Can't reach it.

-Well, it's not for little boys.

-Who is it for?

Well, never mind, sit down.

I want to go for a walk.

You can't go for a walk on a train.

Now wouldn't you like to go to sleep

and wake up in London?

No, I want to go for a walk.

Ow!

Now just you say you're sorry

to the gentleman.

Well, all right then.

Just till the end of this coach

and don't touch any doors,

you might fall out.

I'm terribly sorry. He's…

so high-spirited, you know.

Encourage it.

Yes, independence. Excellent.

I quite agree with you.

It's different.

What do you mean, different?

How can it be different?

You said all railroad coaches were alike.

It doesn't look so good.

The whole frame rests on the corners.

I'm sure of it.

These rivets are just…

Just discovered after eight journeys.

Knock it off.

It took imagination

to figure out this scheme,

it's gonna take more than that

to get us through there.

Shut up!

You mind if I get back to my seat

and my wife?

Look, you got the wrong carriage,

can't you read? Now go on, beat it.

-Just married. Oh, you poor b*stard…

-Listen, buster!

Leave me alone with my wife

and you go back to yours, all right?

Better idea, let's talk.

Please, go away.

Oh, go on, please. Let me kiss the bride.

I want to kiss the bride.

Listen, buster,

for the last time, beat it.

I'd go if you give me a drink.

-I haven't got a drink.

-What a wedding.

Haven't you got any Scotch tucked away

from the reception?

No, now go away!

I'm looking for a drink on this train,

don't know which way to go.

-Plan both.

-Okay.

I know when I'm not wanted. Nope.

Let's go. Whole street's on fire.

Now Charlie,

you really must try not to tell stories.

I saw it from a window.

Flames, fire engine,

people jumping from a window.

Now Charlie, darling,

you oughtn't to fib like that.

It isn't a fib, I saw it.

Now Charlie, don't leave this coach,

there's a good boy…

He's always making things up, you know…

-Sometimes, I think he's got…

-Well, encourage it.

You've been talking

to the restaurant people.

You told them not to serve me, didn't you?

No.

-You're a liar.

-Please.

Try to get to sleep.

You'll see.

When you get to London,

this new clinic, the cure…

Cure, she says.

How can I face a cure without a drink?

It's late. What's keeping him?

Let me.

I'm not nervous.

You were supposed to...

The note's no good.

I got to see for myself.

-You sure? I did.

-Well, it's a bad one, just the same.

We all have them, occasionally.

Help yourself, genius.

"Just married."

You've seen for yourself. Are we rich?

-Rivets.

-Enlighten me more.

Hardwood partition.

Solid all the way down.

Sounds like an inch thick, maybe more.

Can you strip it off?

I don't know.

Expert.

Look, you show me a safe,

and I know what I'm at.

I've never torn a railroad coach apart

before, nobody has.

How's it feel to be a pioneer?

-Not so good, huh?

-You all right, Phil?

-Sure, he's all right.

-I asked Phil.

You heard right the first time.

Way I see it, if you got a pain

there, at least it shows you have guts.

How about proving it?

What's the pitch?

We advance the schedule.

We strip this now,

find out what we have to do,

then we do it, maybe now, maybe later,

depends on what you find.

Strip it now?

That's taking an awful chance.

We're taking a chance every minute

we spend on this lousy locomotive.

Now what's the odds?

Evens.

With my compliments, sir.

I'd have brought it sooner,

I have so much to do.

Thanks a lot, you needn't bother.

Well, today is my anniversary.

I did tell you, didn't I?

Yeah, you told me.

Well, there it is.

I don't know much about champagne

but the dining car staff

said it's the best.

It's very kind of you. Thanks a million.

I bet by the time this train gets in,

there'll be a white ribbon around a…

funnel.

What have you got in your coat?

Keep checking the seat, Phil.

A g*n?

Nobody gets in the way of this job.

You don't need any g*n.

Come on, Phil, we're wasting time.

Keep checking, huh?

Just a minute.

Suppose that guard had walked in

with half a wall down.

Suppose somebody else does.

Jackie's right, Ronnie.

And so was your timing.

The closer we are to Gibbs

before we start,

the less risk there is of any accidents

like that one.

You scared?

You think so?

Then do the job yourself. Count me out.

Come on, Phil. I was only kidding.

Look. We're too close to the money

to give up now.

Okay. In the meantime,

why don't you throw that g*n away?

So long, Phil.

Make sure you're back here on time.

-He's sick...

-Yeah, in the head!

Can't you tell? It's written all over him.

You're dreaming!

Look, we're gonna get through there

to that money.

We gotta.

Dad.

Why do people who are just married

pull the blinds down?

Well, because…

Oh.

Don't you know?

Now for the cure.

No vices at all.

You're marvelous.

I mean it.

- Excuse me.

- What's that?

I'd been wondering

whether to stop the train.

-Who are you?

-Somebody who's been watching you.

-I wouldn't do it if I were you.

-Do what?

Light that cigarette.

Look, ma'am, I…

I don't understand.

I do. You've got an ulcer, haven't you?

How…

-Are you a doctor?

-I used to be a nurse once.

Now I don't want to scare you

but my guess is it's perforated,

you should be in hospital.

Yes, I'm…

I'm on my way there now.

I'm very relieved to hear it. Now,

please take my advice.

Don't smoke anymore, rest.

If anything happens, I'll stop the train

and get you to the nearest hospital.

You just relax.

-Hungry?

-Yeah, kind of.

Ask for boiled fish.

Okay, I will.

And nothing else, mind.

I'll remember. Thanks.

Why don't you take it out in the corridor

and let everybody have a look at it?

Don't you know Phil's gonna open that door

in a minute? Go on, sit down.

Oh, all right, all right.

You're minutes late,

what kept you?

Spanner.

Take hold of yourself!

He's sick, I told you.

Sick, my eye!

It's just nerves, just plain nerves.

From a great expert, too. Come on!

Look, Ronnie.

Don't ride me.

We can still make it.

This is your last chance.

Get with it or I'll do it myself.

-Phil…

-For crying out loud, leave him alone.

It's okay. I'm all right.

Satisfied, Florence Nightingale?

All right, all right. Now the other one.

This week.

Hold me steady, will you?

Here, give me that!

No!

-Are you all right now?

-Yeah, okay.

Ulcers. Lousy, stinking ulsers…

Now it has to break loose.

Phil, can't we do anything for you?

Yeah, sure.

Tell the restaurant car

one of the two guys in the bridal suite

would like some boiled fish.

Go and talk to them.

He needs all the breath he's got.

Ulcer? That's painful.

Ouch!

Thank you.

-Is he annoying you?

-He's so high-spirited.

Let's go.

-Ronnie, I don't think this is gonna work.

-Try it!

These rivets are nothing, I'm sure of it.

It's the screws that hold the seat back,

you'll see.

Come on, Phil boy, we're losing time.

Okay. I will see.

Keep trying, you can beat it.

This coach is a thousand years old,

look at all the rust! It'll give.

Maybe the other end first.

Neither end, kid. These rivets

are the babies, the others are just…

Come on, you son of a…

Half a million.

Half a million loss

because of a lousy row of rivets!

Well, not quite.

Phil boy, do we stand a chance?

You have to do something now,

we can never pull this gag again.

We're way behind schedule.

How about just listening to Phil?

Okay.

We've tried it your way and it was no-go.

My way is going to take time but we can't

leave this place the way we found it.

So we commit the crime

of half the century.

Take over.

-Fifty-fifty.

-Do you think I'm bargaining? Let's go!

Okay, start tearing the springs

out of the back.

Hey, Ronnie. You…

you better tie up that door.

What's all this about?

Well, when you do a job for the first

time, you got to be prepared for anything.

Here, connect this up for me, will you?

You want to make a hell of a racket?

We're not gonna get any breakfast

but they say that

music is the food of love.

What about the voltage?

Maybe it's not the same.

Look, don't try

and teach me my job, will you?

-I got a converter here.

-Okay.

Turn up that radio. Good and loud.

Okay, switch it on, will you?

Oh boy.

It's never been as bad as this before.

Keep going, Phil, just keep going, huh?

-How are we for time?

-It's fine if you keep going.

You're doing great, Phil,

you're almost there.

Not there yet. Boy, this is burning me up.

It's only a few more holes. Let me do it.

Okay. Remember, don't hold it too tight.

Yeah, I know. I've been watching

an expert. Look after him, Jackie.

-You should never have come on this job.

-I know.

I was supposed

to go to hospital this week but…

how can you give up a job like this?

You'll have the best treatment

South America could offer.

That's the idea exactly. One last big job…

a decent payoff, get myself better,

take it easy the rest of my life.

You will. You will.

Get the saw from the case.

Look. First three holes I started. They're

close together. Start sawing there.

That'll take time.

Is there some other way?

There's no other way.

Hold it a minute.

I'll get you the other saw.

That's better.

Thanks.

Look. I've got to face this myself.

Leave me alone.

Go and get an early breakfast.

Wait! Wait a minute, don't do that!

We're not sure what's behind there.

- The knife.

- Jackie, give me the knife.

It was there on the seat somewhere.

Look, it's your job to look after

the tools. What's the matter with you?

I'm sorry about that.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

-Jackie can make it.

-Okay.

Here.

Who is it? What do you want?

Sorry to disturb you.

May I see you for a moment?

Just a second.

It's you again. You caused

enough trouble last time. Go on, beat it.

It is that, you see, sir…

I want to apologize to you and your wife.

Give you a present, maybe.

Yeah? Well, I got a present for you.

Anybody else comes in here,

I'll k*ll them.

So you're subtle. Good thing for him

you've got time to be subtle, I haven't.

Come on, fast!

We're close to the bridge already.

Start putting them in the sack.

- Who is it?

- Could I have some lemonade too, please?

- What?

- Lemonade, like the man just got.

Go away, you got the wrong carriage.

I haven't. I saw, I want some.

- Ronnie, it's only a kid, don't.

- Go away.

I won't. I want some lemonade.

It was only a kid.

-But he'd seen…

-He didn't see anything, he couldn't have.

Kids, drunks,

it's like a weekend excursion.

Dad, Dad, now I know why

they pull the blinds down.

Dad…

-Dad, listen!

-Now, now, shut up!

My trousers, they're soaked, ruined.

Listen, I saw them.

They gave a man a bottle.

Okay. Just stop. That's enough of you.

There. Now then.

Leave the poor child alone!

Why won't you believe me?

Because you're always telling stories,

now shut up!

The fire was a story, I didn't see that

but I did see this.

I saw, they were…

Now be quiet or you'll get some more!

Tickets, please.

-I want to go somewhere.

-Yeah, all right.

But don't get into any more trouble!

Tickets, please.

Thank you.

-Please.

-What is it, son?

I really think it's a robbery.

Robbery?

Won't you believe me? They're robbers.

You come along and tell me all about it.

The bridge. We're too late to deliver.

What do we do now?

Take it with us.

How?

We ditch everything else

and pack it in the cases.

Okay.

-What about Gibbsy?

-Well, if…

If we can contact him

before we reach the airfield, okay.

If not, we send him a registered envelope.

Yeah.

-Phew.

-We'll make it yet.

Take it easy, Phil boy.

Here, you rest up a while.

We'll do the rest.

Who is it? What do you want?

The guard, sir.

Did you enjoy your champagne?

Yeah. Yeah, fine. Thanks.

Good. Your tickets, please.

Just a minute. We're… we're not quite…

All right, through here.

Sorry, Phil boy,

you'll have to help us now, and fast.

Here, Jackie.

Let's get this place cleaned up.

Well, that's great.

Everything's out of the way.

Yeah?

What about that g*n?

You're right, Phil boy, all the way down

the line, no more trouble from that kid.

You know, it's too bad

we're going into retirement.

I might listen to you a little more often.

Thanks. I better get back,

hand in my ticket,

can't take a chance

of staying here any longer.

I'll never make it.

What's one more chance among so many?

Relax.

Come on, Jackie, we better get changed.

Okay. Unzip me, will you?

There's a good boy.

You won't tell any more stories, will you?

No, Dad. Only what I see.

There's a good boy.

Here we are. So one hour from now,

we'll be on that plane.

Here's your cure, Phil boy.

So from now on, you can relax.

I'm gonna buy some stockings, first thing.

These ones are shot.

Oh… Thanks for the loan of it, Phil.

Keep it. A souvenir.

We've made it. We're all right.

I can feel it.

-Knew it all the time.

-It had to go right. And it has.