Thank you, Larry.
Morning.
Morning.
Larry, lovely day, isn't it?
Not bad, is it?
Pack of Tenners, Arthur?
Has my Investors Chronicle come in?
Yes.
Have you had any thoughts about what I
mentioned last week?
I don't know, Arthur.
Look, I don't want to rush you,
Larry, but I'm taking delivery today.
And I promise you, he who hesitates on
this little lot is going to be well choked.
Thing is, I don't sell all that much
rolling tobacco.
Exactly.
And what is your miserable profit margin
on your miserable turnover?
Not much.
Not much, Larry.
It's embarrassing.
It's not visible to the naked eye.
At my prices, you've got to be thinking
about trebling that.
Yeah, I suppose so.
Look, Larry, you are a grafter.
I appreciate that.
But just this once, be nice to yourself.
Earn a few quid with your feet now.
All right, Arthur.
I'm in.
You've made the right decision,
Larry, on my babies.
So that is 100 two-ounce plastic pouches
of hand-rolling cigarette tobacco,
sealed in for freshness, in your hands
first thing tomorrow morning.
Cheers.
Hey, Arthur, what about your Investors
Chronicle?
First class.
Read and prosper, my son.
Read and prosper.
Hard at it, as usual, I see, Terrence.
Oh, it's m*rder.
Where's that shrimpy little twerp,
Arnie?
He should be here.
Oh, good day, Arnold.
I thought you were sorting me a van.
Well, what do you think I've been doing over here?
Bleedin' yoga?
Oh, my God.
You mean this is it?
For 20 sovs a day?
No, no, no.
For a promise of 20 sovs.
What?
For a promise of 20 sovs a day,
you do not get a turbocharged Arctic with
air conditioning and a stereo,
Arthur.
What you do get is this little beauty.
And if this don't get us there and get us
back...
Well, is there no
chance of you telling us
the exact nature of
this little jaunt, or what?
We are popping down to the coast in the
vicinity of a place called Buckler's Hard.
You're Buckler's what?
We're a business acquaintance of mine,
Commander Hawksley.
Oh, Air Force Geyser, is he?
Commander is a naval-ranked genius.
Senior service, right?
Well, among other things,
the commander has a
string of confectionery
shops and tobacconists.
A sailor moonlighting with a couple of
shops?
A bit naughty, innit?
He's a bleeding disgraceful.
He's retired, you ignorant nerks.
Well, now he wants to close
the shops down and he's
offering me odds and ends of
stock at advantageous prices.
What sort of odds and ends?
Well, you know, the usual thing.
Greetings cards, confectionery,
smidgen of tobacco.
Oh, dodgy snout.
I... Wrong as usual, Terrence.
This is absolutely kosher.
Well, what's your edge, then?
Well, the commander has been
very honest with me and let me
know that the tobacco's been
on the shelf for a little while.
Sort of a well-matured offer.
Yeah.
Come to sawdust country.
All right, I'll do, Terrence.
Come on, I need you to lock up.
Now, listen, Yorkie man, I want you at the
Winchester with van at two on the dot.
Quick run down the south
coast, load up the gear,
back in time for a drink-up
and distribution of wages.
So this thing had better be a runner by
two o'clock.
Yeah, it will, yeah.
Otherwise you won't see a penny for that
Here you go.
That Jag didn't seem much of a service,
anyway.
Word?
Well, it's a bit fat, Mr Chisholm.
I'm a bit pushed.
Inside.
Inside?
That's right, Daly.
It means we're on a bloody good nose
around.
Oh, I love that Welsh lilt.
Never get tired of it, do you?
You might soon, Boyer.
I'll tell you what, Ter, give us a song,
eh?
Less lip, McCain, you're in the frame as
well.
Come on, Daly, open up.
According to my rights as a normal
citizen, a search warrant is...
Don't be silly, Arthur.
You're not a normal citizen.
But what are you doing?
Yeah, a bit of all right, this.
Oh, we've probably got one your size,
then.
Blue would be right for you, wouldn't it?
Now, what about a nice Prince of Wales
cheque, eh?
Jones... Sorry, Gav.
Nice fridge, Arthur.
A personal purchase at the January sales.
Early Christmas present for her indoors.
The Ronald Reagan keep fit video.
Get on the station and find out if these
have been reported stolen.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Yes?
There is nothing wrong there.
British Telecom has been privateered,
as you may recall.
And as far as them videos are concerned,
they were purchased from a reputable dealer.
The receipt is currently with my
accountant.
Terry, Terry, tell Mr Chisholm about them
videos.
What videos?
I don't know anything about videos.
Terry, this is no time to wind me up.
All right, all right.
No, it's all right.
You won't get a result there.
All right, Arthur.
This is the situation.
Last night, some tearaways broke into a
warehouse on the Manor and had it weighed
with 1,500 pairs of highly expensive
imported sporting footwear.
Unfortunately for us,
the owner of said footwear
was a close friend of
the chief superintendent.
And so we've had to forget
the murderers, arsonists and
rapists for a day or two to
go looking for bloody plimsolls.
Thank you.
We've managed to recover some of them,
Arthur, and in doing so, your name cropped up.
Mine?
So as of this moment, Arthur, I am on your
back.
And if I turn up so much as a bootlace,
I'm not only going to pull you for
receiving, I'm going to stick you up for
conspiracy to commit a robbery.
That is paramount to blackmail.
No, Arthur.
It's a threat.
And you needn't look so bloody casual.
You're included in this.
Look, I'm sorry I'm not
fainting with fear, but
you really have got your
wires crossed this time.
Oh, go and see who that is.
Oh, can I get you anything?
A nice cup of coffee?
Tea?
Oh, I don't know how the train is hanging.
Give me a little cup of that later,
will you?
Believe it, Al, I can't do that.
Look, down the main road, first right,
second left, ten minutes.
What are they bleeding out for?
The old bill, of course.
And then you find
yourself on the main street,
kerch on the right
and the pub on the left.
Lost his way.
All right, Daly.
Expect to be seeing a great deal of me
over the next few days.
Shall I return?
Excellent.
Good.
First class.
Glad to be of assistance.
Want a coffee or something?
Terry, Terry, Terry, do the padlock.
Little job to do.
You ought to dump the bleeding lot.
Do what?
I'm into these for 300 sobs.
I've got a punter all lined up,
his tongue hanging out.
He'll be round here in five minutes.
You can, you mean.
It's the last I'm having anything to do
with this.
Off you go, sunshine.
Anyway, there ain't room for me in the
car, is there?
Of course there is.
You can squeeze in there, Terry.
Ta-da.
Terry!
Good luck.
Oh, I see.
Bottle gone, is it?
Do what?
Nothing, nothing.
Here, Chisholm was in here about an hour
ago.
Bloody cheek, you snooping around the
cellar during opening time.
Did he say what he was after?
No, he kept staring at everybody's feet.
I think he's getting a bit peculiar.
Huh.
Here, this is, er, not how to offer it.
Well, let's put it this way.
Contact with Arthur
should be kept down to
the minimum until
further notice, all right?
Here, where is the old stope?
He said two and a dot.
Oh, no!
On the other hand, of course, Chisholm
could already have felt his collar.
Oh, nice one.
All that graft on the vamp of sweet F.A.
Oh, really, Arnold, what sort of
reaction's that, eh?
It's the proper one if you're brassic.
OK, lads, excitement's over, here comes
the brain.
A glass of Eastland tea, please,
Dave.
Still at liberty, are you?
Dave, er, any chance you've got a bit of
space down in your cellar?
Why does everybody want to get down in my
cellar?
No chance, Arthur, forget.
You've been spreading malicious gossip.
No!
People have just been drawing their own
conclusions, haven't they?
All right, all right, that'll do.
Now, look, due to unforeseen
circumstances and with grave
misgivings, I'm unable to accompany
you on this trip this afternoon.
Oh, no!
It's only been a good day out and all.
We've got to go just all by ourselves.
All right, all right, that'll do.
Now, listen.
Listen, you two clowns had better get this
one right.
That is Commander Auxley's business
premises address.
And I've marked the route out in here.
Now, when you get down there, deal only
with the Commander.
And for God's sake, try and behave, because
the man's a scholar and a gentleman.
I'm not familiar with scoundrels.
He's met you, hasn't he?
Terry, look.
This contains two and a half grand.
Two and a half grand?
I mean, I'm entrusting it
to you, which means I don't
want Arnie to get his
greasy little hands on it.
Well, that's charming, isn't it?
And as this is strictly legit,
I want you both to sign this receipt.
Do what?
Yeah, poor Mark will do in your case,
Arnie.
I can bleed and write.
Here you go, come on.
Oh, don't believe this.
Here, tell him.
He's erased me the other day.
I said it to him, I was over it.
I'll tell you something else, Arnby.
The mate of mine from the Scrubs,
he's got a boozer just here.
I'll tell you something else, too.
You're going straight down there and coming
straight back, stopping only for a jimmy.
Now, go on, off you go.
You take a map, all right?
Yeah.
You sure?
I'm sure, yeah.
I'll have the money.
Terry, I hope you appreciate the
responsibility I'm entrusting you with.
I do, Arthur, I do, good boy.
I mean, you've given me my big chance,
haven't you?
I think you're out of your mind,
Arthur.
What does that mean?
Well, you've just handed
over two and a half
thousand pounds to Frank
Sinatra and Adolf Hitler.
Good afternoon.
What's your game?
Mind your own business.
I have just made a perfectly
understandable mistake.
That's mine down there.
I'm so sorry.
It's Jag.
What's your offer?
Hello, Harry, my old mate.
Oh, you're looking fit, my old son,
very fit indeed.
Oh, try telling me, Doc, that.
Well, what can I do for you, Arthur?
Footwear of the younger generation,
Harry.
Trainers.
Yeah, they come a bit pricey, though,
and I just don't have the turnover.
Oh, well, now is your chance to change all
that, Harry.
Have a look at it.
It's a nice gear, Arthur.
Yeah.
Still, I can't see me knocking out many
football boots round here, though.
No, trainers, Harry, trainers.
Got flaming great studs, see?
So's the other one.
Well, it would, wouldn't it?
Beep!
Beep!
Hey!
Hold on your bike.
Beep!
Beep!
Have a look at this, Ike.
Marney round here, ain't there?
I'm sorry Mr. Daly couldn't make it
himself.
Yeah, he's well sick about it,
well sick.
You owe Mr. Daly
sends his apologies, you
know, about the pressure
at work and all that.
Oh, yes, yes, quite.
Oh, Angela, would you bring in the bunk
from Mr. Daly's order?
Right.
I think the tide's about to turn.
Is it?
Yeah.
Either of you two ever messed about in
boats?
Yeah, I went on one of those peddling things
once when I was on holiday in Margate.
Peddling things?
No, he means one of
those pedlos, you know,
that you mess about
in a surf with as a case.
Oh, yes, I know.
Ah, Angela.
Now, if one of you would like to sign at
the bottom there.
Yeah, alright, yeah.
And then if you take your van down to my
stores.
I'll get up, coming on.
Oh, that's £2,500.
Whoops!
There you go.
Thank you.
Oh, you go on.
I'll catch you up.
Okay.
Hello.
Hello.
Sir?
I can't apologise enough,
gentlemen, but I'm
afraid it may not arrive
until later this evening.
Do what?
If you'd like to wait in my office, I'll
convey any news as soon as it comes in.
Is he trying to strike us out,
or what?
I don't know.
Better hang about, all right?
What do you think about this, then?
I don't know.
Arthur reckons he's 100% straight.
Leave off, nobody's that straight.
News of some sort, gentlemen.
The van has been towed
to a garage, and there's
every chance we may be
ship-shaped by this evening.
Ah.
Listen, mate, no offence,
but don't you reckon
you ought to bang a
speck out of his bit of pope?
He means return Mr Daly's money until we
get his gear.
I would, but Angela's already gone to the
bank and popped it in the night service.
Now, listen, gentlemen, let me try and
compensate for the inconvenience.
A friend of mine has just taken delivery
of a new boat.
He's very kindly given me the use of it
while he's out of the country.
Why don't you come on board and have a
drink?
Yeah, all right, yeah.
Drink?
Hold his head under until he comes to his
senses.
If we steam in and he's on the level,
we're going to look right more, isn't we?
No, give him a bit more time.
Then chuck him in a drink.
Got to figure out what to tell Arthur.
He's expecting us home in an hour.
Get on the salt.
Penny, I've brought some friends along for
a drink.
Come on, chaps.
This is Terry.
Hello.
Hello.
And Arnold.
Arnold.
Welcome aboard.
Take them down, will you, Penny?
Hold on, Arnie.
I knew it.
I knew it.
Those two have done me up like a kipper.
That's what you get for treating kids like
adults.
Law of the jungle, bite the hand that
feeds you and all that.
Oh, take it easy, Arthur.
They're only half an hour late.
They've probably got held up in the
traffic.
I blame myself.
I blame myself.
Not as much as I blame them, but I blame
myself.
Terry?
Where the bloody hell are you?
What?
What boat?
Well, the sun is well over the yardstick,
isn't it?
Yard arm, Terry.
The yard arm.
So we've spliced the main brace,
know what I mean?
Terry, Terry, are you drinking my money
away in some dreadful boozer?
If so, please, I beg of you, stop now.
No, no, no, no.
Look, Commander Hawksley's
got your dough, but one of his
vans is out of action, so
we've got to wait for the gear.
Oh, you don't mean you've partied with two
and a half grand and got nothing to show?
It's all right, isn't it?
You said everything's
strictly kosher, be on
your best behaviour,
all that sort of cobblers.
Terry, I want you to tell me exactly what
is occurring down there.
There's nothing occurring.
Hold on, just hang on, will you?
Can you have a word with him?
Cheers.
Arthur, Teddy Hawksley here.
What?
What are you doing?
Pen's telling me about signalling with
flags on that till.
Since when did you need flags,
eh?
No, I mean, this is really clever,
this is.
For instance, this brooch I'm wearing,
that's a well-known signal.
Yeah?
Well, tell us about it, Pen.
It means permission to lay alongside.
Oh!
This is called the double eagle.
It's more just below my office,
Arthur.
But there's no need for you to come down.
Oh, I think there is.
In fact, I insist.
Yes, I... I insist, my dear.
Yes, I'll drop everything immediately and
come, my dear.
Yes, bye-bye, beloved.
Trouble, that's what we're meant for.
Nothing that requires the Metropolitan
Police.
Thank you.
Straighten Arthur out, did you?
Well, I don't know.
He said he was going to come down,
and then he went rather peculiar.
Yeah, well, the old boy gets a bit
confused now and again.
Oh.
Oughtn't you to slip your oil skins on?
It's going to get a bit chilly later on.
No, I'm fine, Commander Hawksley.
Honestly.
You sure?
So, what's happening, Colonel?
Well, I'm going to go back to the office
for an hour or so.
The wind's back, thank goodness,
and the shipping forecast is reasonable.
So we should be on for this evening.
What's the shipping forecast got to do
with it?
What?
Oh, absolutely nothing.
Sorry, must be rather
boring for you landlubbers,
but the weather
rather rules our lives.
Isn't that so, Penny?
Oh, absolutely.
I'll leave you in Penny's capable hands.
If you're feeling peckish, there's lots of
food on board.
Yeah, well, there's no hurry.
And the two-way pin.
There you go, gents.
Another large one, please, David.
I thought you had to rush home,
Arthur.
Oh, that is what is known as a delayed
response, Mr Chisholm.
Part of the tactics of marriage.
So how do you meet Commander Hawksley,
then?
I answered an ad.
Female crew wanted occasional
cross-channel trips.
Oil skins provided.
So far he's been as good as gold.
So you mean you're not exactly
sort of... Quite game with him, like?
No.
I've only known him for about a week.
He seems very nice.
He seems lovely.
Listen, how about going out and having a
nice drink?
Must be a decent booze around here
somewhere, Pen.
Yes, one or two.
But I thought I'd stay on board and have a
quiet evening.
Yeah, I don't feel like going out myself
much, really.
No, no, no.
I'm a bit kettleby-soaked.
It was a long drive down here.
On the other hand, perhaps it might be
nice to go ashore.
There's a lovely little pub overlooking
the old harbour.
Well, that sounds good to me, yeah.
I'll let you tell.
I mean, you didn't want to go a minute
ago.
Well, I changed my mind, didn't I?
You stay in and have a nice rest.
No, but it was me who wanted to go out in
the first place, wasn't it?
Yeah, but you changed your mind too,
didn't you?
Anyway, the washing
up's got to be done first,
so perhaps one of you
might give me a hand.
Yeah, all right.
Oh, that's very kind of you both.
I'll leave you to it while I check the
moorings.
Come on, then.
I'll twist.
Oh, dear, Akeem, I suppose you'll bust.
Yes, I will bust, I'm afraid.
Thank you.
Pay 20s.
Pay me.
Oh, well done, Arnie.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
It's 22, you pillock.
No, it's not.
Oh, count it, Einstein.
I can count.
What's that?
Who on earth are you?
Jill, have a look.
He's catching birds.
Don't worry, it's only half.
Don't only half of me.
Give us a hand.
Come on, you.
Penny, half a penny.
Nice to meet you, my dear.
Are you all right?
I'm afraid boats can be difficult for the
older person.
You, and you, with me, back to the car,
get some more of these boxes.
Hold on, hold on.
What do we want them on here for?
I've got a little job for you.
Taking the studs off my trainers.
What's he all about?
Yours is not the reason why, Burberry.
Just do it.
Come on.
It's nice, isn't it?
Could you look after that for a minute?
Won't be long.
In the name of God, Antoine, why can't you
get a boat that works?
Dans le nom de Dieu, Antoine, achetez-vous
un bateau qui marche.
Oh, never mind.
Yes, oui, yes, I'll be there.
Bonne bloody chance to you, Antoine.
You have no idea the trouble I had getting
down here.
I mean, talk about cloak and dagger.
This man Chisholm sounds awful.
Couldn't you complain to the police about
him?
No, he can't... All
right, Arnie, that'll do.
You've been on that boot for half an hour.
Tell you what, son, you're really blown
out here, you know.
I mean, just because you take the studs
off, don't make them trainers, does it?
Trainers are not for training.
Eh?
They're for bone idle so-and-sos to loaf
about on street corners in.
And don't you lose them studs,
Arnie.
Just in case we run across a football
squad of 50 who all wear size 10.
Ah, daily, my dear chap.
Don't tell him.
Good Lord.
Oh, um, just adapting some footwear.
I hope you don't mind me imposing.
Oh, no, no, please, feel free.
It's the least I can do.
Particularly in view of
the fact that you're going
to have to wait until
tomorrow for your stuff.
The van's been locked up in the garage,
you know.
Most annoying.
Oh, no, no, no worry, Teddy.
Patience is all.
I was wondering, would
you like to join me in
the Yacht Club for a
drink and a bite to eat?
The Yacht Club?
That's very hospitable of you,
Teddy.
My own club in London does have a reciprocal
arrangement with other establishments.
What a winch, Easter.
But none around here, as I recall.
Splendid.
All right, Penny?
Yes, thank you, Commander.
Mind your head.
Oh, thank you, Commander.
No bunking off, you lot.
Mind how you go.
You know what these sailors are.
Sodding boots.
You haven't got a pair of pliers on here,
have you?
I don't know.
I'll go and have a look.
There's a toolbox aft.
Do you want an end?
No, thanks.
Here.
All right, eh?
Oh, yeah, not bad, not bad.
Not bad?
Are you sure?
I reckon I'll have a result here tonight.
I don't have an idea.
Oh, I must go and have a jimmy.
Give us my jacket, will you?
Thank you.
Never had any trouble with knuckling me.
Well, you've either got it or you ain't.
They're nice boots, these, aren't they,
Till?
You still playing on a Sunday?
Yeah, I was playing with a red line up
until Christmas.
Then the back four got banged up in the
scrubs.
Oh, we had to check it in.
I'll tell you...
Till?
Terry!
Penny?
Thanks.
Thanks a lot, mate.
Terry, might I be allowed to purchase?
No, no, no, no.
Ah, evening, Terry.
Ah, Johnny.
Arthur.
This is Johnny Winstanley, the Commodore
of the club.
Johnny, Arthur Daly.
An honour and a privilege, Mr. Commodore.
Johnny has joined me in a number of my
business ventures.
In fact, he'll be helping out tomorrow.
Say no more, eh, Daly?
Nods as good as a wink, what?
Well, now, what about a top?
Ah, man the pumps, yes.
Pinkers, please, Terry.
Two pink gins, Fred.
And, uh, Arthur?
Oh, a pink vodka, please, Terry.
One pink vodka.
I must say, I'm rather glad you came down
after all.
Your two colleagues seem to be under the
impression that I like to diddle them.
I must apologise, Terry.
I'm afraid that is the gutless knight
mentality.
You see, I do feel it is my responsibility
to give these unfortunate lads a chance.
And generally, they do respond.
But when they are absent from my guiding
influence, they tend to redress.
Well, cheerio.
Cheerio.
Cheerio.
Ah, say them again, please, Fred.
No, I'd definitely like it here.
Hope your friend's all right.
No, he'd be all right.
What?
Sitting on someone's boat unscrewing all
those little studs, eh?
I guess it sounds right.
Arthur, this is the scheme of things
tomorrow.
Winsdandy here, good chap that he is.
Cheers.
Cheers.
We'll have a reception committee waiting
for us on this side.
And then after the
rendezvous... No, no, no, no, no.
Do not misunderstand me, Teddy boy.
I don't want to know the details.
I cannot afford to be compromised.
I must remain aloof.
That was the agreement.
Quite, quite.
Oh, well, fair enough, Daly.
Up to us to bring home the bacon and all
that.
Mind you, you'll have to shake a leg if
you want to make yourself scarce.
It'll be a dawn start.
Oh, have no fear, Teddy.
Dawn rising is my byword.
Ah, well, I'm for the road.
Oh, that's very kind, Commodore.
Oh, while I remember,
would you care to clock
this new non-slip deck
shoe that I have here?
That is not on the
market yet, but the
manufacturers have let
me in ahead of the field.
But this looks remarkably like a football
boot without the...
Well, well, well spotted.
Well spotted.
That is, in fact, an offshoot of football
boot technology.
And you see, these holes, that is how you
get the suction.
Thank you.
It was bang out of order till...
I don't know what you're talking about,
mate.
Creeping off like that, leaving me on my
tod, I felt a right prune.
Anyway, what's the matter with the girls?
You need glasses or something?
Well, that sounds like Long John Silver,
doesn't it?
Terry.
Yep.
I've come to say goodnight.
Goodnight.
I've come to say you must be up at
Sparrow's Fart in the morning and off this
ship, and I will give you an early morning
call.
Oh, he's had a few, hasn't he?
Well spotted, Arnold.
Oh, hello, Phil.
Goodnight, Phil.
I'd better make sure Daly isn't on board.
Daly?
Come on, you chaps, shake a leg.
What's up?
We're about to cast off.
Are we?
We're going up the coast for an hour or
so.
I thought you might like to go ashore.
I'd rather stay in the boat, wouldn't you,
Arnie?
Well, if you're absolutely certain Daly's
not on board, you know.
Oh, good.
Well, I must say that's very sporting of
you.
I could use some extra hands later on.
Take over the helm, will you, Penny?
I'm going to look at the charts.
The wind's getting up a bit.
Wouldn't you be better off with your oil
skins on?
No, no, no, I'm fine, really, Commander.
Ah, the volunteers.
Hello.
Hope you slept well.
Yes, fancy, thanks, yeah.
Why don't you take the helm for a bit,
Arnie?
You mean drive?
All right.
Keep an eye on him.
Make sure he stays in the channel.
When we clear the airship, we'll have a
little breakfast, eh?
Right-o.
If it brew this, I tell!
Yeah, brew, brew.
What's that, Penny?
The depth sounder.
It shows how deep the water is under us.
Look, if I switch this on...
Oi, oi, oi, keep your eyes on the rope.
What did you say Arthur was?
He didn't say.
He just said he didn't want to come along.
Can't say I blame him.
Well, I think this is the business,
you see, Penny.
Well, this part's all right.
It's the return journey that gives me the
butterflies.
Well, I think we might up the revs a bit
at this stage.
Going in, going in.
Go on, Captain.
Bloody Mary Celeste.
Went all funny then.
I'd better take over now, Terry.
We go by compass from now on.
All right.
What was that?
Well...
Have a look.
Where did you spring up from, mate?
Oh my God, it's worse up here.
I checked your cabin, Daly.
I thought you'd gone ashore.
I fell asleep in a car seat.
Just had bacon sandwiches and coffee,
Arthur.
Can I get you some?
You're going to have to turn this thing
round and take me back.
I think I'm going to die.
Too late for that, Daly.
The rendezvous is arranged.
Anyway, there's a lot of money involved.
Some of it's yours, you know.
What rendezvous?
What money?
Don't you know?
I thought Arthur... You don't want
to bother yourself with this, Terry.
Shut up, Tom.
Don't touch me!
Well, come on, Oxley.
Out with it.
My dear chap, I'm sorry if you thought I
was stringing you along.
But Arthur was supposed to put you in the
picture last night.
He said you didn't want to be involved.
That's why I was rather surprised that you
came along today.
Involved in what, for God's sake?
Well, we're on our way to meet
another boat... that has, er...
rather a lot of tobacco on board.
Bloody hell, Arthur!
What's he on about?
Well, you see, exported English cigarette
tobacco...
is worth under a pound...
for two ounces on the continent.
Here, you pay three times as much for it.
So, provided you can smuggle in a
reasonable amount...
well, the profits can be, er, very
tempting.
Smuggling?
Is that what we're up to?
Nice one.
Might talk to the chaps here about this.
Will you shut up?
What, you've done this before?
Oh, yeah.
Quite a bit.
See, it was the pink vodkas, Terry.
I wasn't meself.
I'm gonna throw you off, but you know
that, don't you?
Terry, you're looking at a man... who
would welcome instantaneous death.
Nothing you can do or say now will hurt
me.
Well, listen, what do you think about all
this?
Well, it's rather good money.
Very exciting.
Right, I know.
Better put your fibreglass inside of old
coutine, isn't it?
Have you snapped or something?
Just because it's all yolo and spliced and
mainbraced...
doesn't mean you can't get nicked,
does it?
Terry, please, please, don't give us one
of your lectures.
I don't think I could stomach it.
Now, leave it.
Tell them this is double sweet,
this is.
And you was gonna bang me 20 sobs for the
use of my vein?
You old scallywag.
Don't leave me!
Another ten minutes and we're here too.
Yeah, I don't think the harbour can wait
ten minutes.
I'm in the middle of a boatload of
bleeding loonies!
Albatross!
Albatross!
Sorry, Johnny, I'd have some food or
later.
So what now, then?
Well, with any luck, we make contact with
Antoine.
Then we transfer the tobacco.
Then it's full ahead both back to a
convenient little spot...
where Johnny will be waiting.
With the help of his inflatable dinghy...
we transfer the stuff onto dry land...
and then into a vehicle post-haste...
and back to the moorings for a quick
drink.
And as far as any nosy parkers are
concerned...
well, we haven't really been away long
enough... to get up to anything, have we?
Sweet as a nut.
We hope.
That's him.
All right.
Down you go.
Go on, off you go now.
Come on, Arnold.
Are you sure?
Aren't you supposed to say a hi,
mate, you know that?
Hello, Teddy.
Hello, Antoine.
Everything OK?
Bonjour, sailor.
Bonjour.
No worry with all that.
Come on, let's get on with it.
Oh, yes, Squire.
Yes, good man.
Squire?
Squire's in France.
Oh, there you go, sir.
Bye now, mate.
Oh, Teddy.
Bonne chance, eh?
Merci, Antoine.
Au revoir.
Au revoir.
Au revoir.
Moving down, my dear.
What is it?
Bloody Mary.
Oh, well, perhaps just a sip.
Thank you.
We've done all that for you.
Well done, you lads.
Thanks awfully.
Well, we're not exactly working for
nothing, are we, eh?
Any extramural contributions you make will
be considered at the end of the day.
What's that mean, Till?
It means he's feeling better.
I'd prefer him when he was sick.
Just a bit of passing indigestion.
The Dalys have always been very good
sailors.
That's true, that is.
It is, yeah.
We're all full of wind
and... No, no, no, no, no.
Any danger of another medicinal one here?
We're not feeling too clever, either.
Come on, Johnny.
Get your dinghy launched.
God almighty.
What's that all about?
We've been tumbled.
Who's that?
It's the Riverfield.
Customs and Excise.
What, a fat man in a boat?
Incredible cheap.
Dressing somebody up like Mr. Instandly.
We got the beating of them.
Oh, yes, we can outrun them.
It's just as well Johnny got the flare up.
Otherwise I'd never have got around in
time.
I'm an innocent party in all this,
Terry.
You are my witness.
I had no idea...
Shut up, will you?
Listen, how much duty-free snout are we
allowed, then?
Look, they're giving up.
So what now, then?
I don't know.
We could try slipping
in up the coast, but
everybody's going to
be on the lookout for us.
Simple, isn't it?
We dump it.
I beg your pardon, Terry?
They've probably been on Hawksley for
yonks, this lot.
We nearly got done baiting the rights just
then.
Now, while all this is a nice jolly jake
for you lot, I've got four, remember?
I don't intend going
down again, just because
you got too pissed to
wake me up this morning.
I must admit, the odds are against us now.
I'm sorry, but that's it.
It's a place called Sowley Beach.
A lot of things get washed up there.
What have you got?
There's no gear in it.
Didn't bring any gear.
Terry, Terry, open the boot.
Oh.
There you go.
How are your smuggling, mate, eh?
Free but furious.
Course, you ought to see them custom
geezers turn that boat over.
Made Chisholm look like Nurse Theresa.
Poor Commander Hawksley.
He'll probably be drummed out of the yacht
club.
Yeah, what about poor Arthur Daly?
I mean, this has been a right unmitigated,
this has.
What are you talking about?
The geezer even gave you your dough back.
Oh, the man's a toughie, if you ask me.
But don't worry about that.
Penny and I have been having a little
chat, and we may get a result.
Well, what's that supposed to mean?
It's equal four-way split, or you'll never
find out.
Right.
Terry, where do you get this behaviour
from?
Well, you're turning into a very nasty
little piece of work, you know.
Hmm.
All right, under duress, come on,
let's have it.
Go on, Penn, tell him, tell him.
Well, it's a terrific long shot, but I
know this part of the coast quite well.
And bearing the wind
and tide in mind, I've some
idea where some of
those bags might turn up.
Nice one, Penn.
Good, innit?
Might, I said.
My dear, you've nearly made an old man
very happy.
Come on.
Yeah, you go in the van, eh?
Come on, Penn.
Come with me.
Well?
Nothing yet.
The tide's starting to turn.
We might have to wait for the next one.
Oh, I couldn't bear that, my dear.
The only bit of water I ever want to see
again is a full bath.
Hold on.
I can see something on the mud.
Eh?
Can't quite make it out.
It's about half a mile away.
Yeah, that is definitely two of them.
Go on, off you go, off you go.
Now, hold on, hold on.
Straight shares, right?
Never mind all that, off you go.
Now, if I'm going to sleep out there,
I want me wages up front.
Right on, Tim.
So either we divvy up now, or you are the
mudlark.
Terry, this is most improper out here in
front of this nice young lady.
What do you reckon to those bags,
eh?
A grand apiece?
At least.
Sorry, I thought I heard someone speak.
That's half a monkey, innit?
Yeah, and don't forget they're duty free.
Look, where am I going to find that kind
of dough here and now?
You're holding two and a half K.
Oh, that kind of dough?
Yes, that kind of dough.
All right, two hundred apiece.
Yeah, all right, done.
When you get back?
Nothing now.
Look, I'll tell you what, Penny can hold
it.
You're very trusting, aren't you,
Terry?
I trust her.
There you are, my dear, hold that,
would you please?
Thanks, Arthur.
No, no, I only said hold it.
Good luck, Arthur.
Yeah, well, now go and bloody well earn
it.
Go on.
You and Arthur Bailey's army, eh?
See you in the world.
Go on.
Look at your strides.
Oh, no.
Get all dressed up for the seaside,
did you?
It's like a booty.
No, no, no, you get the other one.
Go on.
Do what?
Come on.
Shut up, will you?
Oh, tick.
It's well stacked, this one.
You can't have to come and help us,
mate.
Come and help.
Oh, no, this one's the same.
It's worse, there.
Come on.
Just grab that, and I'll lever it out from
the back, all right?
Just ease.
Pull it, lift.
Lift!
Terry!
Oh.
Oh, dear.
Terry.
Get me up.
Oh, get up.
Get me up.
My hat.
My hat.
Hold on, hold on.
I've got it.
I've got the hat.
Help me.
Where's your hat?
Can we go home now?
You all right, Arthur?
Oh, it doesn't k*ll you, does it?
Terry!
It's them sands.
They've burned my hat.
There you go, Larry.
Cheers, Arthur.
Very good of you.
I aim to please, as always.
True.
Very true.
Tough.
Here, do you smell something?
Smell something?
There's a terrible pong coming from
somewhere.
Oh, no, no.
There's a broken gas main just on the
corner.
I think they're repairing it now.
Arthur!
Muddy knife, pen and ink.
Apparently urine doors made Arthur sleep
in a car.
What are you doing in there, eh?
I didn't want to come away unharmed,
did I?
Give him half a lager, will you?
This is a special, please, Dane.
Special, yeah.
It's really hot in here.
Take your coat off.
Morning, all.
Usual, please, Dave.
Here you go.
You'd better give it a couple of minutes
to cool off, eh?
I told you that microwave oven would come
in handy, didn't I?
Not exactly what I had in mind,
Arthur.
Dry that snout.
Did you find a nice, safe place for them
football boots?
Oh, yeah, yeah, don't worry about that.
St. Mizere's is alpha.
Hold up.
Well, well, well.
Wild bunches back in town.
Mr. Chisholm, what a pleasant surprise.
Any joy on the footwear front?
Moderate, thank you.
What's this?
Search me, Mr. Chisholm.
I'll search this first.
Who knows?
Might find a spare football boot or two.
Do you mind?
No, no, no, carry on.
Typical of you, bleak lunatic.
That is the last time I do any sort of
business with you at all, Arnie.
How does Arnie know?
Er... What?
What's the matter?
Dummy, dummy.
Trying to blow chips, what's he like?
Tell Arnie.
Arnie!
Terry!
Change
the situation
Right people, right time Just the wrong
location
Just you keep me near I'll be so good for
you I could be so good for you I'm gonna
help you Love you like you want me to I'll
do anything for you I'll be so good for
you I could be so good for you I'll do it
like you want me to Love you like you want
me to There ain't nothing I can't go
through I'll be so good for you
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