I could be so good for you.
Love you like you want me to.
I could be so good for you.
Love you like you want me to.
All right, Tolt?
Yeah, you all right?
Yeah.
Cheers.
Where have you been, then?
I've been all over the place.
Went to Spain once.
That was very good.
Don't take it up for a living,
though, will you?
What's that?
Cracking gags.
Is this my gear?
Yeah, that's it.
Arthur reckons it's all top-quality
smutter, this.
Good.
I've got your tea in here and all.
Right.
That's all.
Is that it?
He also asked me to mention the old COD.
What's the matter?
Don't he trust me, then?
Nah, you know what he's like, confident.
He lacks confidence.
You want me to lend you the wedge to buy a
pick-up so you can go hoisting motors.
Do I look like a dummy?
Would I ask someone who holds a
conversation upside down to lend me a
seven and a half for a pick-up if I
thought he was a dummy, Arthur?
What's wrong with the pick-up you got?
It don't pick up no more.
I've got to stop this or I'm getting a
rush of blood to the head.
No, no, no.
Arthur, that's the rush of generosity.
Clive.
Mavis.
Mavis, Terry, Terry, Mavis.
Hello.
Mavis, a long-time partner of mine.
Looks up the shop for me, don't you,
darling?
Yes, love.
That's not all.
Listen, what do you want me to do with
that tea, then?
Well, if Arthur could deliver...
Where were you last night?
Well, I had to go up to Northampton.
Didn't I tell you?
No, you didn't.
Terry, could you... Yeah,
I'll sh**t outside, shall I?
Nice to meet you.
Cheers.
When a jelloid's up, that'll do the trick.
I mean, a man your age, you have to watch
his blood pressure.
Loons like you'll give me blood pressure.
I mean, it don't take no working out,
does it, Arthur?
I mean, 12 quid a tonne.
I mean, there's plenty of perks in it for
you.
I mean, wheels, batteries, any other bits
and pieces that come across.
I mean, Arthur, one motor can count to 40,
Well, I don't know.
It sounds too simple.
Simpler the better.
I mean, who needs complications?
Well, I'll think about it.
Well, I've got to pick up the collect on
Saturday.
No, Saturday's up.
I'm going to a wedding.
I'm sorry to hear that, Arthur.
I wish no-one would know.
Best man, me?
Yeah, well, Arthur's agreed to get the
bride away.
He said you wouldn't mind.
Well, didn't he mention it to you?
No.
He must have forgotten.
Well, you don't mind, do you?
Yeah, but I mean, haven't you got a best
mate or something?
I don't know you all that well,
do I?
Terry, I know a proper person when I meet
one.
And I consider it a right favour if you do
me the honour.
Well, I suppose if Arthur's doing it,
yeah.
Yeah, why not?
Yeah, yeah.
Thanks, Tel.
Yeah, I was sure you would.
So who's the lucky lady, then?
Mavis?
No, no, no.
Someone else.
Who?
Angie.
Lovely lady.
Yeah, you'd like her, Terry.
It's a wonderful thing, love, you know,
Terry.
When you get that feeling.
Those vibes.
Physical and mental rapport.
Two people as one.
It's the best feeling in the world.
Yep, fills you full of confidence,
doesn't it?
I had a thing with a singer once.
All the things we used to get up to in
close harmony.
Mind you, in the end, she ran off with
this geezer with a horn.
This particular one I've got in mind is
definitely going as soon as possible.
As a matter of fact,
the Governor intends to
replace the whole fleet
before the end of the month.
What's so special about this one?
A lot of mileage.
That can be cured.
Besides, it's starting to cost a lot in
maintenance.
I'll tell you what I'd do, Roland.
You dirty it up a bit.
A few scratches on the paintwork,
you know.
And I'll make your
Governor an offer that he'll
think is a gift by the time
you've persuaded him.
And what's my end?
Well, let's say 30... No, no, no.
Deal?
Deal.
There you go.
That's all right, I've got it now.
What's the matter?
I'm a cr*pple?
Suit yourself.
You saved your strength for Saturday.
Me?
It's you who's getting married.
All right, all right.
No need to go shouting it about,
is there?
All right.
Angie and I want it to be a very private
affair.
You start broadcasting it to people.
They'll all want to come, won't they?
Made your mind up yet, Arthur?
What's this, the punters?
No, a pal of mine in the trade.
Wants me to wind back the mileage for him.
You know the penalties for that,
don't you?
Yeah.
So do you, don't you, Arthur?
Now, as it happens, it's the same guy
who's got the pick-up.
I have done a deal with him.
He wants me to enhance
the value of a few of his
motors, and he'll give us
the pick-up for a monkey.
Which, of course, Arthur, as you know,
is like giving it away.
Top it back a few more, you can probably
get it down to 300.
Hold on, Arthur!
Arthur!
Arthur!
You all right?
Yeah, great.
How many businesses you got?
This and that, you know, all run by
birds.
Yeah, well, you stick a geezer in the front
for you, chances are he'll turn you over.
Ladies, by and large, keep their fingers
out the tip.
Especially if you keep them sweet.
Hey, keep them sweet, not with you till.
You're unbelievable, you.
I mean, do you give all your employees a
kiss and a cud?
That?
Well, that's just my way, isn't it?
You know, friendly like.
You're getting married Saturday.
Sorry.
A monkey, all right?
And buy it in my name.
So if it all goes boss, I don't knock it
out and get me dough back.
You won't regret it, Arthur.
You've got a fortnight in which to
convince me.
If I don't get a good return on my
investment, the deal is off.
And I'll have Terry along with me to make
sure you don't strike me.
Talk of the devil.
Roger.
Hang on a minute, tell them.
Arthur, about Saturday.
Do you reckon it'd be possible to get a
roller?
It'd be lovely for Angie to turn up in
style, do you know what I mean?
Yeah, before we get
into all that, could we
settle a little bit of
outstanding business?
Readies for goods rendered, please.
I'm not holding, Arthur.
I mean, it could be a check now or cash
tomorrow.
By the way, Terry's agreed to be best
man.
I knew he would.
Make mine a large one, will you,
Dave?
I'll tell you what, I'll have one of them
and all.
Make them all large ones, Dave.
I'm holding.
Hey!
What's your game?
Angie!
I know you're in there.
Open up, I want to talk with you.
Angie!
You want a roller?
I'll get you a roller.
I'll even be your chauffeur, if you like.
I mean, you're going to need a driver,
aren't you?
What with Arthur giving the bride away and
Terry being best man.
Yeah.
Well, can you really get one?
I'm confident.
Confident.
Now, I've got a pal of mine in the trades,
got one on his front.
Owes me a favour.
Of course, if I'm going
to be your chauffeur,
I shall want to be
invited to the party.
Naturally, naturally.
Yeah, well, you're more than welcome.
Yeah, that's the point.
Where are you holding the reception?
Well, I thought I might have it here,
if it's all right with you, Dave.
Yeah, it should be all right, but how many
people are you talking about?
Just a few close friends and immediate
family, you know.
So, why's that come to you?
Well, there's us five and the wife.
So we won't need Trust House Fortney
to do the catering.
Will I do?
Of course, my dear, you look lovely.
Are you sure?
Yes, it'll be a pleasure to give you away.
I do hope Clive thinks so.
Of course he will.
If Arnie doesn't get here with that roller
soon, we're going to be late.
Clive?
Oi!
It's me, Terry.
Here we go, are you all right?
Yeah.
One Carnation.
That's nice, yeah.
This is Andy, isn't it, Alan?
You lived here.
No, I don't live here, no.
I'm just looking after it for a friend.
Come, we'd better leg it.
Yeah, I've got to call in the
jewellers on the way there.
What for?
I've got to get a ring, haven't I?
Hey, you left it a bit bleeding late,
didn't you?
I'll give him another
five minutes and then if
he's not here, I think
I ought to call a cab.
Yes, perhaps you ought to.
Confident tells... er,
Clive, that is, tells me
you're going to move
into a nice little flat.
Yes.
He does a small shop underneath that he's
taken a lease out on.
Yeah, yeah, he said.
As a matter of fact, I'm supplying him
with some gear for the stock.
How long have you lived here?
Just over a year.
I was married once before.
Yes, we had a house.
Really?
In Wilsdon.
Very nice.
Yes, but it all went.
Went?
My ex-husband gambled and drank it away.
Oscar Wilde called it a triumph of hope
over experience.
What?
Getting married more than once.
My God.
Hello?
What do you think about Ellie now?
What do I think?
I think I shouldn't have left my car
around at the Winchester for a start.
No, it don't look all that,
but, I mean, it's mechanically sound.
Where's the roller you promised?
I had a bit of trouble mopping on it.
I don't want to hear it.
I do not want to hear it.
I don't know what you're having a pop of
me for, Arthur.
I mean, it was me.
I put myself out for that.
Took me all night to clean that cab out.
Grease on the seats and everything.
Them ribbons stained me in a fiver.
I'm sorry about this, my dear.
But what you see here is a man with a mind
of a guppy.
Well, we're a bleeding hell of a day,
don't you know?
Poirier should be here in a minute.
It's supposed to start in five minutes,
isn't it?
It's a bride's prerogative to be late,
isn't it?
My God, look at that!
Angie?
Are you all right, love?
What's all this, then?
Ask this loon.
I'll try my best to tell him.
Yeah, never mind.
You got here, didn't you?
I tried to get a taxi and then this crack
turns up with this thing.
You know what it's like when you want one
and you never find one.
I think she's having a pop of me.
Is that oil all over your jackals?
Where?
Don't worry about it now.
I'll see you later, all right?
What do you mean she's getting married?
Well, that's what she told me the other
day.
Such a nice young lady.
I'd have liked to get to know her better,
but I don't suppose she...
She's getting married today?
Yes.
She told you where?
What time?
Yes, Chiswick Registry Office,
she said.
I thought I might go down there later.
Hello, Peter.
How's it coming along?
Slow, but sure.
It's starting to look nice.
Thank you.
Clive was here earlier.
Was he?
All dressed up, like he was off to a
wedding.
A wedding?
Well, he's wearing a carnation, so
was the chap that arrived to pick him up.
Can't think of any other function which
calls for that.
Did he say anything to you?
Not a syllable.
But I did hear the other bloke call
himself Terry.
Terry?
There you go, that's lovely.
I just had the bride and groom.
Congratulations, my dear.
Hey!
My God, it's my ex-husband.
You b*stard, you stole my woman!
What are you doing?
Are you all right?
Now, come on, on your bike.
Terry!
I'll k*ll you, you b*stard!
Terry!
No!
Clive?
Morning, love.
What are you doing?
Well, I've got to go out, haven't I?
Out?
Out where?
I'm a business lover.
Yeah, I've got a lot of business to get
through today.
I've got to go up to Northampton,
haven't I?
Northampton?
Yeah, I told you about my business
interests up there, didn't I?
Yeah, you did, but... You
know, it can't be helped, love.
I've got to get a living, haven't I?
I'm going to keep you in any sort of
style.
But this is the first morning of our
marriage.
I know, darling.
I know.
But I promise it won't take more than a
few days.
A few days?
Yeah.
Hey.
Hey.
What about you last night, then,
Who is the naughty one, then?
You were.
Listen.
I promise, as soon as I get back,
we'll go out somewhere nice.
To dinner or something?
Love.
Look, Angie.
You've got lots to keep you busy,
haven't you?
What with sorting the flat and everything.
And there's some stock arriving for the
shop.
Yeah?
Yeah, I've got Arthur sorting it for me.
I expect he'll get Terry to bring it over.
Hey, you watch out, Terry.
And don't you worry about that lunatic
ex-old man of yours.
He'll be in hospital for weeks with that
broken foot.
And there's no way he can find out where
we're living, is there?
I love you madly.
This'll do.
How do you know I don't belong to someone?
Terry, use your minces.
Flat tyre, no tax and full of crap.
Yeah, well, what about the sticker?
What sticker?
You said on every local council there's
one little geezer whose sole job it is to
snap around looking for cars that look
like they've been dumped, right?
And he puts a sticker on
the windscreen that says
if you don't move this
heap, it'll be towed away.
You said they're the ones to look out for,
so where's the sticker on this?
Terry, there's only one geezer.
So?
Well, you any idea how many streets there
are on any one manor?
I mean, it's obvious, isn't it?
He hasn't had a chance to spot this one
yet.
Now get it hooked up.
Hold up, hold up, hold up.
What about all this knocking on doors and
that?
All right, all right.
If it's going to make you feel happier.
But once I've proved
my point, I ain't going to
waste time knocking
on doors all day, all right?
I'll let you know as soon as he wants to
get shed of a few more cars.
Lovely.
I'll drop it round Thursday, OK?
Yeah, if I'm not here, don't leave it on
the front, will you?
I'll state it here and it'll be bad for
the image.
Yeah, I can see.
I'll tell you what,
look, pop it down the
road here and stuff
the keys up the exhaust.
I'll sort it out later when I can get my
man to pick it up and tidy it up.
Right, see you then.
Yeah, ta.
Father!
What can I say?
Well, how about here's the
money I owe you and a tour on top
for the whistle that got ruined
in yesterday's frack house.
Be glad to see the back of it.
It's been sitting out there for weeks.
Disgusting, I call it.
See?
Arthur, don't keep going on about it.
Try and look on the positive side.
We had a good drink up afterwards,
didn't we?
I don't know.
I was drunk with shock.
Terrific!
Now, what about those items for my new
shop?
Good pay, innit?
Yes, wonderful.
Well, it's better than being hard-pressed
for a few quid, though, isn't it?
That is a cheque.
Yeah, yeah, I can see that's a cheque,
Arthur.
Well, that's the one I gave Angie to give
you.
That's all right, innit?
How many times do I have to
tell you I do not accept cheques,
especially ones that have a
rubber quality about them?
And where have you been for the last
couple of days?
Here and there, ducking and diving,
you know.
You seen the local red?
No, no, I don't read newspapers.
It's always bad news, innit?
You can say that again.
Dave, show it to him.
Yes, it's a very good likeness.
Dear, dear.
Dear, dear.
Have you any idea of the stick I've had to
take from people who know me?
Not to mention the aggravation from her
indoors.
Neighbours blanking her and God knows
what.
And the laugh we all had down at the
station, Arthur.
Mr Chisholm.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Yes, I suppose it has got a sort of black
humour about it.
Do I offer you and your colleague a drink?
I don't think so, Arthur.
If I accept, you might misconstrue it as
an overture of friendship.
That would only spoil your relationship,
wouldn't it, Gov?
That is what I like.
An officer of the law with a sense of
humour.
h*, h*, h*.
Any particular reason you're honouring my
club with your presence, Mr Chisholm?
Just making the rounds
of low-life establishments,
observing who is
mingling with whom.
And possibly why?
A pint of bitter for Mr
Jones and a bottle of light ale
down the other end of the
bar, if you wouldn't mind, please.
Yes, sir.
Arnie!
There's a gentleman here who wants a word
with you.
What?
Who?
What's your game, then?
Sorry, mate?
I said, what's your bloody game?
Well, as you can see, this vehicle has been
designated by the council to be removed.
Yeah?
And who's authority?
It's your motor, sir.
Yes, it bloody is.
See, I told you, didn't I?
I told you this motor was too good to be
tagged away.
Right, let me take this out, mate.
I mean, what can I say?
I'm just a contractor trying to get a
living.
I mean, if it was left up to me,
I'd...
You were saying?
Arnie?
Yeah, there's a stall in Church Street
Market.
Tell Terry to ask for Laura.
Laura, right.
Yeah, she runs a stall for me.
Yeah, lovely little girl she is.
Big eyes.
Live Cosgrove, you b*stard!
What?
Mary, darling!
Don't darling me!
Mary!
For God's sake, Mary,
let me... I'll k*ll you!
Mary, I haven't explained at all.
I'll k*ll you!
I don't remember.
I'll k*ll you!
Why?
I'll k*ll that pig-face!
b*stard!
Calm down.
Calm down.
I'll k*ll you!
I wouldn't advise that.
I'll k*ll you!
We're police officers.
Police officers.
That's correct.
Then that's the swine you want to arrest?
Unless you stop it, I'm going to have to
restrain you with handcuffs.
Bring them all together.
Let's sit for doubles, shall we?
All right, yes.
Now, madam, pull yourself together and let
us know what all this is about.
He's been married nine years!
Nine years!
How could he do that?
How could he get married to somebody else
when he's already married to me?
You often.
How could he?
You stay where you are, Damey.
On my accountant's eyesight, Mr Chisholm,
I know nothing about this affair.
Nothing.
Oi!
Oi!
Well, that just about tops the lot.
I do your mate a favour.
Suddenly, I'm dragged
into the nick to make a
statement without the
chance of being well figured up.
For being an accessory to bigger me.
Do stop going on.
Chisholm's just putting the
frighteners on in the hope
that we will divulge where
it can claim confident.
Well, I'd bleeding like to claim him.
I don't need all this hag.
Yeah, Arthur.
Why don't you tell Chisholm where he can
be found?
Because for one thing, Arnold,
I am not a grass.
And for another, I'm doing a lot of
business with a man.
If he's roasting in the nick, how am I
going to cop the dough he owes me?
Very compassionate man, Arthur.
I do not understand this attitude.
I mean, a man is a friend.
We went to his wedding.
His what?
Look, how do we know
there is any truth in
the allegations of that
poor, demented woman?
I mean, how do we know she's not suffering
from some sort of paranoid schizophrenia?
I mean, let's have it right.
The man's got to be a lunatic
to get webbed up in a marriage
a second time when he's
already done it once, hasn't he?
Well, it has been known, Arthur.
No, I'm sure there's a perfectly logical
explanation for everything.
No, that's right.
He's a bigamist.
I couldn't believe it when I saw it.
I mean, it is him, isn't it?
Yes, it's him, all right.
I'm sorry, Laura, perhaps I
shouldn't... No, don't apologise, Peter.
If you hadn't shown it to me, someone else
almost certainly would have.
I mean, how can he possibly think he can
get away with it?
I've no idea.
No one could accuse Clive of not being an
optimist.
You must be feeling dreadful.
Is there anything I can do?
No, thanks, Peter.
But I'll handle it.
You've got to go away again?
Well, it's a bit of a business crisis,
darling.
It can't be helped.
But don't worry about it.
It's nothing I can't sort out.
But I haven't seen you for days.
You've just walked through the door.
Angie!
We've got a whole lifetime ahead of us to
be together, haven't we?
Well, yes, but...
But trust me?
Trust me.
Of course I will.
I love you madly.
Don't.
I'll see you soon.
I told you, he phoned me and explained it
all.
He's been living case with a bird for a
short while.
She's what they call a common-law wife.
I knew there'd be a logical explanation
for it.
Armie's busy today, isn't he?
Yeah, so?
Well, you'll be able to make some
deliveries for me, won't you?
Delivering what?
Well, stuff for Confident.
I mean, them dresses
for his store, and them
fibre tips and ballpoint
pens for his new shop.
Is that the one he's got with Angie?
Yeah.
He's going to start knocking out
stationary and all that gear.
No.
We're not going there.
Why not?
Well, after yesterday's turnout.
I mean, she'll be in all right,
two and eight, won't she?
No, she won't.
She don't know.
Do you mean he hasn't told her?
No.
My God.
And neither the flat nor
the shop's on the manor, so
there's no chance of her
seeing a picture in the local rag.
And don't you go mentioning anything.
This is their problem.
Let them work it out.
All that microwave oven's got to go to the
cafe.
You can forget the cafe.
Why?
Well, after the way that bird worked out
in the Winchester, I was the best man,
remember?
She'd probably attack me.
The last thing I want's to stand up with a
tart.
You may have a point there.
Old Clive can pick it up himself.
Yeah.
Did he say where he was?
Does he ever.
But you were his best man.
Surely he must confide something to you.
No, he doesn't hardly say anything to me.
I don't see him that often.
Well, I've only seen him for a few minutes
since the morning of our wedding.
Yeah, I know.
Listen, I'm sorry, I've got to sh**t.
Look, is there anywhere I can phone him?
I'll tell you what I'll do.
The next time I see him, I'll tell him
definitely to phone you, OK?
I'm sorry, it's the best I can do.
I'll see you.
Now, she'll love that, your mum.
Doesn't crease, don't worry about this.
You pay double in Oxford Street.
Thanks, love.
Oi, Bill, do us a favour, keep an eye on
the stall.
I just want a quick word with my brother.
I can see, I can see.
Must be a take on you today, mate.
I can see, I've got mince pies,
all right.
Adding your finger, how can this be?
Hello, sis.
You all right?
No, not really, Ernie.
So, what's the problem?
That climbs the problem.
Mr Chisholm.
Part of you today?
As you ask.
Overworked, underpaid, cold, suffering
from a great deal of irritation.
Not a bad rash, I hope.
No, no, no, nothing personal.
Just a soupçon of light banter to brighten
the day.
Nothing personal.
Look, can I help you?
You might try moving to Outer Mongolia.
Before you go, I suggest you tell me where
I can locate your bigamous buddy,
Clive Cosgrove.
Now, you ask me that when I volunteered to
make a statement of my own free will.
And I did not know then, and I do not know
now.
I don't believe you.
I'll never believe you.
That is your prerogative, Mr Chisholm.
That is your prerogative.
But I can tell you that he phoned and
explained everything to me.
That poor, deranged
lady who attacked him was
his common-law wife,
not his legal spouse.
Wrong.
Wrong?
We've checked, seen the marriage
certificate.
He married her all right.
And they've not been divorced.
No, no, that can't be right.
Not only that, this morning
I got an unexpected
phone call from a
lady in Northampton.
Another one.
Mrs Cosgrove.
My good God.
Laura?
That's right, yeah, who are you?
Terry McCann.
I've got some gear for you.
From Clive.
Right.
Where?
Well, it's in the car.
I couldn't get any nearer.
Can you manage to get it round?
Yeah, of course I can, yeah.
Now?
Terry, you say?
Yeah, Terry McCann.
Right, Terry.
Yes, if you would then.
Be right back in a minute.
Paul, look after this lady for me,
will you?
Three?
You did say three?
Yeah.
And he's got kids by talking.
You're joking.
That's unbelievable.
I mean, I know he's a bit eccentric,
but perhaps it's his religion.
You know, maybe he's a poly... poly...
what's it?
A polygamist.
Yeah, yeah, one of the Salt Lake City mob.
Yeah, I think that's a Mormon.
Excuse me.
Same again, Bert.
Please.
Get out, would you, Arthur?
Winchester Club, can I help you?
Yeah, yes, dear.
It's me, your nearest and dearest.
Yes, I was just about to phone you.
Is what?
I... I... I didn't, dear.
I... I... I didn't.
Excuse me.
There you go.
Lovely.
Clive all right, then, is he?
Yeah, as far as I know.
Don't see him that much.
I thought you must work for him.
No, I sort of work for another geezer who
Clive gets a lot of his gear from.
That'd be Arthur Daly, would it?
That's right.
Do you know him?
No, no, but Clive's mentioned him.
I understand they're old friends.
Well, they're more like drinking and
business partners, you know.
Where do they usually drink, then?
Well, it ain't the Fountain of Youth,
that's for certain.
Right, that should do it.
Clive paid you, is he?
No, it's all right.
He sort that out with Arthur.
Right.
Well, thanks for bringing him down.
That's all right.
See you round.
Bye.
See you round.
If you'd just give me a chance to explain,
Arthur.
What is there to explain?
You belong in a rubber room.
Going to my home like that, that was well
out of order, confident.
Well, I had to go somewhere, didn't I?
Now, the whole bill's on my daily.
Yeah, they'd be on Daly's daily,
wouldn't they, if they'd found you there?
Have you no thought for my security?
Arthur, under the circumstances, I could
hardly go to one of my gaffs, could I?
My wives don't understand me.
Well, don't you think so?
Do you mean he's
yours and... Clive's, yes.
Well, don't you think he takes after his
dad?
Yeah, yeah, I suppose he does,
really, yeah.
He was born a year to the day after Clive
and me were married.
Married?
Do you mean you and Clive are married?
Of course we're married.
Didn't Clive tell you?
No, he didn't.
No, he, er...
Well, we don't talk about things like
that, really, very much.
You don't think he's a b*stard,
do you?
No, no, I don't think he is at all.
I just need somewhere for a couple of
days, Arthur.
Well, Angie don't know the SP.
Why can't you go there?
That was the address we stuck down at the
registry office.
Old ploddle had that.
God, I don't know how you've reigned
so long.
Don't you worry.
I think of something I always do.
Please don't.
If you knew the GBH of the era,
why had to take from her indoors?
What a very pleasant woman.
Which one?
Well, you're a good lady.
You're a very lucky man, Arthur.
You need locking up.
Yeah, that's what you need.
Come on.
I'm very sorry to have to be the one to
tell you, Mrs Cosgrove.
Er, Miss, um...
Harrison.
Miss Harrison.
If it's any consolation, you're not the
only lady that he has deceived in this way.
He's also in the habit of landing them in
the club.
So I hope you're not up for the flake.
Very tactful, very tactful,
you Welsh cretin.
What's this then?
A bastion of male privacy.
Well, till tomorrow, that is.
Well, how do you mean?
Well, men-only day, innit?
We keep you tucked up here till we sort
out your accommodation problem.
What, no birds at all?
Certainly not.
You can be safely protected and cosseted
here against the surreal and physical
damage caused by the female of the
species.
And another thing in its favour,
it protects them against you.
Now, that's not fair, Arthur.
I love all my wives.
Well, in that case, when you're up the
steps at the Bailey, a plea of insanity
will go down well with a prosecution,
I should think.
Come on.
Ciao.
Ciao.
Has Arthur been in?
Well, earlier, but he had a call from her
indoors, didn't he?
Seems confident he's trying to take up
Squatter's right at his place.
Arthur shot out of here at 110 miles an
hour.
Terrific.
Well, there's something bothering you,
is there?
I've just met the fourth Mrs Cosgrove,
Unconfident Junior, six-year-old.
Serious.
I'm not even serious.
Give us a drink, will you?
Yeah, of course.
Can I help you, gentlemen?
Yeah, are we all right for a drink,
mate?
No, I'm afraid not.
This is a members-only club.
Well, can't someone sign us in as guests?
I mean, punter's a punter, right?
Didn't I see you down the market?
Yeah, that's all right.
Nah, it's all right.
They've all signed me in.
That's great.
Somebody's nicked the bleeding book now,
hasn't he?
Never mind, it's a stupid bit of
legislation.
What are the urgents?
I'll have a pint of lager, yeah.
I'll have a small one.
I'll have half, yeah.
Cheers.
Come on.
I'm not sure I like this, Arthur.
I'm used to the comfort of my homes.
Will you try looking on the bright side
for a change?
I can only do that when there's a bird or
two about.
I mean, this ain't natural.
Look, try and see it as a sanctuary, away
from the temptations of the female form.
Think of it as a place where you can
contemplate your navel.
And everybody else's.
Yeah, but I can't stay here forever,
can I?
You know what?
They've got rooms for the night,
and you cannot deny it's clean.
Sharing the bath water?
That can't be healthy.
Well, it's a lot healthier than
getting your collar felt and
getting in a shovel with
Chisholm giving you endless grief.
Come on, get your things off.
Act natural.
Nothing at the registry office is at
Fulham, Chelsea, Notting Hill,
but Hammersmith has
one Clive Cosgrove wedded
to a Mavis Ann Fisher
on the 24th of June, 1977.
Date of birth, Fitz?
Aye.
And Shepherds Bush, a Laura Margaret
Doolan, 16th November last year.
How many is that, then?
Five, Gus.
You think he just does it for the wedding
presents?
I do love...
you.
Love.
So you're no confident, Clive,
do you?
Yeah, yeah.
Matter of fact, it was him who recommended
this drinker to us.
When was it we last had a drink with
Clive?
I don't know.
About a week ago, wasn't it?
Yeah, about that, about that, yeah.
I see in the paper that he got married the
other day?
Right turnout, by all accounts.
Did you see it?
See it?
I was there, weren't I?
Nah, really?
Bloody right.
He does love a bird, doesn't he?
Yeah, you could say that, yeah.
It's funny, that, though, cos I thought he
was married to this bird down the market,
didn't I?
What's her name?
Um, Nora.
Laura.
Laura, that's it, that's it.
Yeah, got a houseboat on the canal.
I'd like to have another drink with him
now.
Makes me laugh.
Yeah.
Get in here often, does he?
He has been lately.
Hold on.
I'll see you in a minute.
Have I got some news for you?
You're not the only one.
I've got another one.
Another one?
Shut up!
Very pleasant to relax here, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah, I suppose it is.
You're new here, aren't you?
Yeah, well, I'm more your private bathroom
type, you know.
I see.
Well, we'll have to get her out of the
closet, won't we?
We're always looking for new members here.
Well, you won't find any there,
mate.
There's a bird in the wool shop.
Mavis.
And a little boy.
God.
Chisholm reckons there's another one up in
Northampton.
Do what?
Yeah.
Terry, that man definitely needs deep
therapy.
Yeah, well, hold on to your trilby.
See the geezers down here?
You still smoking that?
Yeah, what about them?
Well, they reckon their mates are close,
right?
And they've got half an
idea that he's webbed up to
the bird who I deliver
dresses to down the market.
God, no.
I need another drink.
Dave, double-double.
No, you're gonna have to unload him.
Before this all gets totally out of hand
and we all end up in stook.
Unload him?
Terry, the man's supposed to be a friend.
Coming from you, that's lovely.
Now, who was it who once said to me,
a friend in need is a pest?
You.
Now, get rid of him.
This is not like you at all, Terry.
Yeah, well, you didn't see Angie's face,
did you?
No, I mean, looking after an honest thief,
that's one thing, isn't it?
But he's been a right b*stard to these
birds.
You're not suggesting we point Chisholm in
his direction, are you?
No, no, nothing like that.
That's well out of order.
I'd just forget any ideas of harbouring
him.
Do you think they're talking about Clive?
I'd like to offer generous odds.
What do you reckon, then?
Play it by ear.
So what are we gonna do about him?
I don't know.
The man owes me, Terry.
I mean, I wouldn't want to lose contact
with him.
No, no.
Yeah, what about those two?
What about them?
Well, they say they're mates of Clive's and
they seem to like his company and all that.
What, you mean, get
them to try and... Why not?
It's worth a try, isn't it?
Hey!
How did you know where to find me?
You are Laura Margaret Cosgrove,
née Doolan.
Is that correct?
And you went through a form of marriage
with Clive Albert Cosgrove at Shepherd's
Bush Registry Office in November of last
year, did you not?
Do you mind telling me what this is all
about, officer?
It concerns Clive Albert Cosgrove,
madam.
The man you married.
Afraid I have some rather unpleasant news
for you.
Been hurt in some sort of an accident,
has he?
Not that I heard, no.
Should he have been?
Listen, if you've come to tell me that
that b*stard got married again the other
day without informing me, let alone bothering
to divorce me first, I already know.
You didn't think to inform the authorities
of this some bigamous act?
I'd have got around to it.
Well, in that case, you won't
mind coming down to the station
to make a statement about your
relationship with Mr Cosgrove.
You and the other wives can swap notes.
Wives?
Look, because of your
particular intimate knowledge of
the man, you might be able
to help us with our enquiries.
You must have certain insights into his
habits.
That is to say, places he might frequent.
Public houses, licensed premises,
whatever.
Who his friends are, who he does business
with, acquaintances, that sort of thing.
Any information of this
sort will help us build up a
picture of his movements,
perhaps a pattern of behaviour.
Who the hell do you think you're looking
at?
Not sure I've seen one before.
How dare you.
I appreciate how embarrassing this must be
for all of you.
I was Clive's wife before you.
Believe me, I sympathise.
I'm his real wife if I was married to him
before any of you.
Well, it's not difficult to see why I
passed you lot up for something better.
You think you're better, do you?
Ladies, contain yourself, please.
Did you call me a b*tch, you fat cow?
What, on me?
Contain yourselves, ladies, please.
Well, if you're sure that's all right.
Course, no problem.
Is it, Barry?
No, no, not at all.
See, as a matter of fact, I've got this
mate who's just started a lagging at the
scrubs, you know, and he asked me to find
someone to look after his flat for him
while he's away like this, so I suppose he
could hole up there?
Well, it'd be double handy.
Yeah, come on.
Where are we going, then?
We'll take you to
him, but I've got a little
bit of business to
finish with him first.
Ta-da!
Arthur!
Slade!
Perhaps he's in here.
There he is.
Clive!
Clive!
Arthur!
Arthur!
So... There he is.
Hello, Clive.
Arthur.
You dummy!
What are you doing bringing them here?
Come on.
Let's get the b*stard.
Hold on, hold on.
What's going on?
One of the women that
that Slade conned into
marrying him happens
to be our sister's son.
Well, you don't have to stand there.
Get after them.
Stop them.
He might deserve it.
Terry, if he gets hurt, you'll never forgive
yourself, and I'll never get my dough.
And remember, your wages are involved.
Sub the wages.
Terry!
What?
Terry, you can't stand by and see him get
battered.
This was all your idea, remember?
Terry!
Sorry.
Quite all right.
My pleasure.
You...
But,
Terry, thank God.
We're all right.
I'm right behind you.
Come on, let's get out before they find
us.
And what about my clothes?
Nah, forget those.
We'll come back for them.
You've got no clothes on.
Don't worry about that.
Get a move on before they find out we've
gone.
Yeah, move it, loudly.
Arthur, they're Laura's brothers.
They're lunatics.
All right, all right.
Put your seat belt on.
You weren't thinking of sh**ting off
without us, were you?
No, no, no, no.
It was if I do a thing like that.
It's getting the car warmed up for a quick
getaway.
Give yourself up.
But what else is there for me to do now?
I mean, there's nowhere
for me to go what with five
wives, two hooligans
and the old bill on me daily.
And then there's the kids.
I've got to sort something for them,
haven't I?
You turn yourself in, it's a dot on the
card.
You get porridge.
Yeah, well, there's more chance of that if
I wait to get captured, isn't there, Terry?
That is true, that is true.
There's nothing a bleep likes more than a
bit of contrition.
No, I'll be all right.
Get myself a good brief and cop for a play
of temporary insanity.
Stick in the mitigation.
Kids to support, you know.
I'll sort something out.
Don't worry.
Turn the heater up when you're off.
Well, we ain't going to give you any
argument, confident, are we, Terry?
No, it's probably the best thing in the
circumstances.
Get it all sorted out.
So, do you want us to drop you off round
there, then?
Where?
The old bill shop.
What, like this?
No, I've got a bit of clobber at the
lock-up.
As a matter of fact, I could do you a very
tasty whistle for 50 sovs.
Look very good in court.
Conservative, know what I mean?
Well, that's very considerate of you,
Arthur.
Very considerate.
Not at all.
But before we, as you might say,
deliver you up, there's a little matter of
the readies that you are already into me
for.
Yeah.
All right.
I've left all my money and my chequebook
in this stride's back in the house club.
Well, if Terry wants to go back and fetch
it, I mean, you can have it.
Now, remember to emphasise to Chisholm
Terry and me's innocent role in all this.
And be insistent, because the chances are
he won't want to listen.
I do not know why it is, but he has got
this unwarranted prejudice against Terry
for some strange reason.
No, well, it's you giving me up.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
In you go.
What is going on here?
Mr Chisholm.
I'll tell you what.
Just for once, let me do it?
Arthur can explain everything.
Me?
Listen, shall I drive you home now?
Yes.
Er, Daly.
Terry?
That's my car.
Follow Arnie's pick-up.
Follow Arnie's pick-up.
Where to?
I'm really sorry about that, Arthur.
If only you'd come earlier.
We didn't know where you were,
did we?
We went to the other yard first.
I'll tell you what.
The 15 quid I got for it, you can take the
lot.
I mean, it wouldn't be right for me to
take my weight, would it?
It couldn't be fairer than that,
could it?
No, it seems perfectly fair to me.
Fair?
Fair?
That motor stood me in 600 sovs.
And you're offering me a rotten 15.
Claim on the insurance, Arthur.
Yet to say it was stolen.
But don't mention my name, of course.
No, don't mention his name, all right?
Terry.
Idim.
What?
Idim!
No!
Well, I will.
Oi, oi, oi!
Behind yourself, come on!
I'll
change the situation
I'm just the wrong location
Good idea Just you keep me near I'll be so
good for you I can be so good for you I'm
gonna help you Love you like you want me
to I'll do anything for
you I can be so good for you I'll do it
like you want me to Love you like you want
me to There ain't nothing I can't go
through I'll be so good for you
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