01x02 - Extracurricular Activity

[bunniefuu]

♪ New boy in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to
take good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days

and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs

and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want, I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days

and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs

and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪

[ball striking sofa]

Jason, look, I got up a
half hour early this morning

just to have a little
bit of extra time

to finish
a reading assignment,

and no matter
how early I get up,

there's never any
extra time at all.

But Charles,

this is for the soccer
championship of suburbia!

Jason sets, Jason shoots!

Jason dies if
he breaks anything.

Score as the
crowd goes wild!

Yay!

And how does
Jason Pembroke

begin his day?

Well, I like
to begin my day

with a big
heaping bowl of...

candy!

Yes, kids,
that's right, candy.

Because I am an
international superstar

and I can do
whatever I want.

Not while I'm alive.

Spit it out.

Spit--spit it out!

Charles--
international superstar!

You can't do this to me!

It's my job to
do this to you.

So spit it out,
superstar,

or I'll drown you.

You wouldn't dare.

Charles, you're
ruining my endorsement!

Yes, Jason, but
I'm saving your teeth.

And superstars have teeth.

Not in hockey.

I thought you were
trying out for soccer?

Yeah, well today's the
last day to try out at school

and I've been thinking about
an extra-curricular activity

so a good college
will pick me up.

Jason, all you
have to think is,

you're going
out for the team

because you're good
enough to make it.

And if you want
to know what I think,

I think that you are
a terrific soccer player.

Only in the house.

At school everybody's
bigger than I am.

Then you'll just
have to get bigger.

How am I supposed
to do that?

Real food, Jason.

You eat it, you grow.

So what will it be,
Corn Flakes or Raisin Bran?

Student council
or cheerleading?

-Corn Flakes.
-Student council.

All right, who stole my
Incredible Hulk Underoos?

Oh, naturally, Charles,
student council.

Every year, student council.

So?

So, how am I
supposed to get dressed

without my Incredible
Hulk Underoos?

You can wear your
Spiderman Underoos.

On a Wednesday?

So, school's getting
too predictable, so.

Lila Pembroke,
volunteer librarian.

Lila Pembroke,
nurse's aide.

You never did
any of those things.

And I'm never gonna.

I want to expand my horizons.

I want to fall in with
a new group of people.

Why don't you
become a hood?

I'm thinking about it.

Okay, everybody,
look what time it is.

Better hurry up or
you'll be late for school.

-Oh no, late for school!
-Oh no, late for school!

Eat!

Charles, how was it?

Your date, last night.

Gwendolyn Pierce,

Gwendolyn Pierce.

How was it, inquiring
minds want to know.

Buddy, don't you
know how to knock?

Yeah.

Charles, how was it?

Your date last night,

Gwendolyn Pierce,

Gwendolyn Pierce.

Hey, how come you don't go
"Gwendolyn Pierce" anymore

like you're supposed to
when I go "Gwendolyn Pierce"?

Because, Buddy, last
night I got to know her.

You got to know her?

Charles, you
got to know her.

We all got to know her.

What?

Buddy, Buddy, calm down.

Now, all we did was

sit on the living room
couch by a fire

and we talked and
we ate Chinese food

and then we took
the kids out for ice cream

and that's it.

You had Gwendolyn Pierce,

Gwendolyn Pierce
on a couch by a fire

and you left to take
the kids out for ice cream?

Yeah, we had
a very nice time.

No, you didn't.

In fact, I'm gonna go
because when this gets out,

and it will, you're gonna
be the laughing stock

of the campus

and I can't afford
to be associated with--

Yeah, she should
be here any minute.

You and me,
Charles, like this.

I love you like a brother.

You let me walk
to school with you

and you can be best man
at my wedding someday.

Walk with us?

You could be my son's uncle.

Uncle Charles.

You want to walk with us?

Okay, father, you
can be my son's father.

With you taking care
of him, I'm sure he'd be--

Don't you go near my son.

[watch beeping]


I beat ya,
Jill, I beat ya.

And do you know
why I beat ya?

Because I'm the man.

Well, of course
you're the man.

And you're a very cute man.

Does the man want
some orange juice?

No, the man wants to die.

What momentous is being
decided here this morning?

Lila's thinking about
becoming a hood this year.

Uh, the man, your
daughter is thinking

about becoming
a hood this year.

Oh, isn't that nice.

Charles.

I'm 35 years old,

my daughter is thinking of
becoming a hood this year,

and even though I
like to think of myself

as a liberal father,
I would sleep better

knowing she was
learning home economics

and not how to knock
off a gas station.

Do you understand
what I'm telling you?

Yes.

You're telling me that

the first day Lila sits
on the back of a motorcycle

is the last day Lila sits.

Thank you, Charles.

Yes, sir.

I'm not worried as long
as you're in charge.

Thank you.

Now I'm becoming a
cheerleader for basketball.

There's one space open
and I know it will end up

between me
and Paula Thackery.

She's picking me up today.

Paula's more
the cheerleader type.

Jason, there's no such
thing as a cheerleader type,

you understand?

It's not right to place
people into categories.

Now, Lila has
just as good a chance

as this Paula Thackery to be
a cheerleader if she wants.

Good morning, what a
morning, the sun is shining!

Yay, sun!

You must be Charles,
you're cute!

Gimme a Charles, gimme
a cute, gimme a kiss!

Are you ready, Lila?

Are you ready, ready,
ready, ready, ready, ready!

Well, it's
gonna be close.

Peanut butter and jelly.

I'm ready, ready,
ready, ready.

She's dead.

I'm outta here too,
soccer tryouts.

Soccer, where they kick
each other in the knees

and smash ba*ls
into their brains?

One minute, are you
ready for that yet?

Sure, and Charles
says I should.

You do?

Sure, he's gonna be an
international superstar.

Yeah, but do you think
he's developed enough

for that yet?

I mean don't you think
he's still a little too--

Small?

You can say it, small,
it's okay I accept it.

One of us is small,
and one of us is certifiable.

Peanut butter and jelly.

Jason, you try your best.

Hey, Douglas, you goin'
out for anything this year.

Yes, Charles.

I was considering a life
shaping change of destiny

as a matter of fact.

That's the Douglas
that I know.

Which one, chemistry club,

young rocketeers?

No, Charles.

I happen to have other
interests besides the sciences

if you want to know.

I plan to audition
for the school band.

Really?

Which instrument?

Triangle.

Peanut butter and egg.

How about you, Buddy?

What are you going
out for this year?

Underwear?

You're going out for
the underwear team?

Swim team, co-ed
sports, Charles.

This institute
of higher learning

is offering us the chance
to spend our afternoons

with wet women
in bathing suits.

Don't you love college?

Oh, yeah, and they even
have classes there, too.

[doorbell ringing]

Excuse me.

Charles, it's
you know who, you know who.

Yeah.

Well, what should I say
I mean, how should I be?

Why don't you
just be yourself?

What kind of an
answer is that?

-Good morning.
-Good morning.

I want you to know

that I had a real
nice time last night.

Well, thank you,
so did I.

-Good.
-Come here for a second.

I'd like you to meet
a friend of mine.

Buddy Lembeck,
Gwendolyn Pierce.

Gwendolyn P--,
pleased to meet you.

Hello, Buddy.

Uh, is that
your real name?

Uh, that's just
what people call me.

Oh.

Well, what is your
real name then?

Yeah, Buddy, what
is your real name?

Buddence.

Buddence?

Well, you don't mind
if I just call you Buddy.

Everyone else does.

I don't blame 'em.

Charles.

Buddence, her hand,
let it go.

Voluntarily?

Sorry, Buddy,
I need it for class.

To write, to raise.

Uh, Buddence here was
trying to interest me

in going out for
the swim team this season.

Oh.

You know I hear a lot
of guys join swim team

just to look at
girls in bathing suits.

That's a popular
misconception.

But if my friend Buddy's
going out for the swim team,

it's because of his
dedication to school spirit.

And you can be certain that
his loyalties, body and soul,

will be to live, eat,
and breathe swimming.

I'm from
California, you know.

Well, I am impressed.

Oh, it's nothing,
I was born there.

With you, Charles.

With you, Charles.

I mean, that was so
dramatic, so passionate.

I think that you should
consider the school play.

It's "The Glass Menagerie"
and I think that

you would make the most
wonderful gentleman caller.

Gwendolyn, where
do you find time

to do things like that?

I mean, I don't have
time to do anything anymore.

But we'd get to play a real
romantic scene together.

Anyway, that's what
I'm going out for.

Me too.

♪

Quiet.

A quiet house
in the afternoon

where a young man
has enough time

to pick an
extra-curricular activity.

Ah now, let's see.

I have Gwendolyn Pierce
in a romantic scene,

and I have my friend Buddy
swimming with wet women.

And I have time
to think about it.

I hate the cheerleaders!

Time's up.

I hate 'em, hate 'em,
hate 'em, hate 'em,

hate the cheerleaders!

Why?

Because I'm not on 'em.

And it's your fault, Charles.

I'm deeply sorry,
Lila, what did I do?

You didn't sit me down
this morning and say,

"Lila, going out for
the cheerleaders will be

the most humiliating experience
of your entire history.

Different people have
different gifts, Lila,

and yours is not
in the rah-rah department,

so stick with
student council

because that's a better
department for you.

So stay in your department,
and be a smart shopper."

No, because I
don't believe that.

-Excuse me, freeze!
-No!

Get down here.

I almost made it
and you let me.

Charles, you're a sneak.

What happened?

I did what you said,
I tried my best.

And you made
the soccer team?

I tried my best, Charles.

You tried out
for the team.

I tried my best.

To make it on the team?

To make it to the field.

I've had a long
and exhausting day,

and I'm long and exhausted.

So unless everybody has only
wonderful news to tell me,

I refuse to come
through this door.

Daddy's home!

What's happened?

Uh, we've had a couple
of disappointments.

Yeah, Charles
disappointed me

by making me think I
could be a cheerleader.

And Jason didn't
make the soccer team.

I knew he wasn't
ready for that yet.

I knew he was still too--

Small!

Small, what do
you mean small?

And who says you should
go out for soccer?

Charles!

I knew they'd smash
his little knees.

His little knees
aren't smashed, Jill.

Yeah, well they bashed
ba*ls against his brain.

His brain's not
bashed, Jill.

But my little boy's not
on the soccer team, Charles.

Yeah, but he's
in one piece, Stan.

Who cares about the team?

-I do.
-I do.

I do.

Charles, I love my
children, I love them.

And sometimes they take
certain things for granted

like food and a roof,

but that's okay because
I work very hard so they can.

Yes, sir.

And because I love them,
I want them to be happy,

and that's
where you come in.

Do you understand
what I'm telling you?

Yes, you're telling me
rah rah, kick kick.

Thank you, Charles.

I'm glad we
understand each other.

Make me happy, Charles.

How can he make us happy?

How can he make
you a soccer star?

How can he make
me a cheerleader?

What can you do
to make us happy, Charles?

I can tell you
there are worse things

that can happen to a person.

-Like what?
-Like what?

I made it!

♪

You in trouble, Charles?

Mm-hmm.

Because of me?

Mm-hmm.

Grounded?

No.

Got to rake up leaves?

No.

Then what's the trouble?

The trouble is that my boy
is not on the soccer team.

I'm between a rock and
a hard place, Charles.

I'm listening.

See, when you're my size,

there's such a thing
in the world as big kids.

Anybody in particular?

No, everybody else.

No, I mean any big kid in
particular push you down?

He saw me practicing,
kicking the ball.

He said he thought
I could make the team.

I thanked him,
he pushed me down.

Said he wanted
to make the team.

So what did you do?

I got up.

Then?

He pushed me down.

Then?

I got up.

Then?

Down.

Then?

Then?

Yeah, Jason, I'm
beginning to get

the general picture
of your afternoon.

He finally went
away after I told him

I wouldn't go
out for the team.

I understand.

It's not that I wanted to
cause you trouble, Charles,

it's just that
I wanted to get on

with the rest of my life.

There's a difference
between a big kid and a bully.

And this kid is a bully,
that's what he is.

Then what am I?

You are an
international superstar.

And we are just going to have
to explain that to his face.

Give me an R.

No, Lila, not
give me an R.

You don't say
give me an R

like you say give
me a glass of water.

-Give me an R.
-No!

Lila, you're
being too polite.

You see, it's not like,

"May I have an R
when you get a moment?"

You're not asking them,
please, you're telling them.

'Kay?

All right, now
a guy on your team

grabs the rebound, right,

he dribbles downcourt,
behind their back,

he stops, he
shoots, it's good,

the crowd goes wild,
and you say...

Give me an R.

No, Lila, I'm not
gonna give you an R!

And that's not
the way to get an R!

And nobody else is gonna
give you an R until you go,

"Give me an R!"

R!

Are you sure
about this, Charles?

Ready to hear "Raindrops
Keep Falling On My Head"

on my triangle?

In a minute, Douglas.

Jason, Jason, this is
a world full of bullies.

You understand?

And once you let one of
them take advantage of you,

the rest of them find you
like junk mail, okay?

So, you have got to be
confident and self-assured.

Give me an R.

No!

But I'm not sure
calling him over

was the best advice.

Yes, it was.

Did I tell you to go out
for the soccer team?

Yes.

Did you get
beat up a little bit?

Yes.

Was it the best advice?

No!

Are your parents
smart people?

Yes.

Did they hire me
to give you good advice?

Yes.

Have I given
you any yet?

No.

So listen close,
'cause this must be it.

There is one thing
that a bully can't stand,

and do you know
what that is, Jason?

Confrontation.

They back down.

Are you gonna
listen to me play

"Raindrops Keep
Falling On My Head"

on my triangle or not?

In a minute, Douglas!

Okay, okay.

Maybe there's
something to that.

Okay, so I won't
be a cheerleader.

I mean, it's not necessary
for me to be a cheerleader

in order to be
an important woman.

Student council's my life.

Lila, some very important
women were on student council.

And some very important
women were cheerleaders.

But if it's
important to you

to do something
new this year,

then it's important
for you to keep trying

until you get it.

And then you can decide
what is most important to you.

Then why can't you
just give me a charity R?

I don't even know
what I'm spelling anymore.

[doorbell ringing]

Charles, the bully?

Jason, you'll be fine,
I'll be right here.

I won't need you.

Good boy.

All right,
I'm gonna confront you,

and I'm gonna
confront you now!

I don't blame you, Jason,
but this one's for me.

Hi, I didn't see you
at the play audition.

I was thinking
about it, Gwendolyn,

and I would love to be
your gentleman caller,

but I just
don't have the time.

Gwendolyn, I realize we don't
know each other very well yet,

but I need an R, bad.

Lila!

And you're the only one
here who will give it to me.

Any R will do,

it doesn't even
have to be a capital.

Lila, cheerleaders
do not beg.

Now, you don't see the
Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders

beg, do you?

A Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader?

Charles, I wouldn't
need Rs if I had theirs.

[doorbell ringing]

Okay, this is it,
I am ready.

If I am ever gonna do this,
it's gonna be right now!

Buddy, you
ruined my moment!

Goon Machine,
Buddy, my friend.

Lila.

I'm just asking
him a question.

Now, Buddy, think.

What comes after Q?

Tip.

Gwendolyn, I told you.

There is nothing
I would rather be

than your gentleman caller.

What about the swim team?

I'm for it!

I'm for the swim team.

I'm for the basketball team.

Remember that guy
I was telling you about,

guy that dribbled
downcourt, and stopped, shot,

it was good,
the crowd went wild?

That was me!

I want to do that,

but I don't have
time to do that.

I want to play baseball.

I want a varsity sweater.

Look at this,
I'm upset!

Charles, Charles,
don't be upset.

Give me an R!

Yes!

Yes!

That's it!

That's it?

Yes!

That's all I have to do?

That's all!

You mean I could be
on student council now!

Yes.

Yes!

Then you're not
gonna have any

extra-curricular
activities at all, Charles.

Not unless you find a way

to put more hours
in the day, Buddy.

Why is that, Charles,
you always seem to have

more than enough time
for the children.

The children?

Oh, but they don't
take up any time at all.

Do they?

Charles, is this bully
ever getting here or not?

Charles says I could
be on student council.

Is that what you want?

More than life itself.

Why do I have the feeling
Charles knew that too?

Charles, I don't think
this bully's gonna show up.

I don't think
so either, Jason.

Because I confronted him?

Because he knows
you wanted to.

You know, Jill, having
Charles is a very good idea.

Well, as an
international superstar,

I think I deserve
a big bowl of candy.

And I'd like to know
who's gonna stop me.

Would you like
to take this one?

Yes.

You can't do this to me!

I'm an international superstar!

This is preposterous!

This is mortifying!

Good night, Charles.

Charles, do you
have a minute?

The night's still young.

You know what,
I have lots of minutes.

Are you going to
listen to me play

"Raindrops Keep
Falling On My Head"

on my triangle or not?

Are we ready?

Douglas, we are
a c*ptive audience.

Hit it!

[banging on triangle]

♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days

and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs

and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days

and our nights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪