01x05 - Cousin Elliott

[bunniefuu]

♪ New boy in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to
take good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge

of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge

of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want, I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge

of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge

of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪

[cheering]

Yes!

We did it, baby.

We did it.

A brilliant strategy
brilliantly ex*cuted.

It's the last game
of the season.

Bottom of the ninth,
two outs, one run behind.

Man on second,
first is open.

They gotta walk me
to set up a force play.

Do we risk it all?

Do we risk it all?

Finish the story
and I'll let you know.

Yes!

Yes, we risk it all.

Okay, first pitch comes.

Real high, real outside.

Next pitch,
"Babe" Charles

leans way over the plate.

Here it comes.

He steps into it.

Boom!

It's a two-run homer!

The crowd goes wild, we win!

We win the game!

Okay, risk it all.

And, of course,
my man on second

who made it all possible.

I bunted.

It was great.

Nobody on the
other team moved.

They all wanted
to watch her run.

I'm ready for my
survival weekend.

Oh, I went on one of those
for school once, Lila.

Whole class of girls
alone in the forest

with nothing to fear
but the wild animals.

What wild animals?

The whole class of boys
in the next forest.

Wait a minute.

I thought I already
packed this stuff.

Douglas?

A whole class of girls

alone in a forest.

And me and my
notebook, Charles.

Research.

Adolescence marches on.

Uh, Charles, there's
no hot water in my dorm.

Do you think
the Pembrokes

would mind if
I showered here?

I'm a Pembroke, you can
use my shower, Gwendolyn.

Oh, good.

I'll trade you hot
water for hot gossip.

Maybe you could tell me
some things that go on

at that new nightclub
on Water Street.

I pass by there
and it's always

dark and smoky.

I'm intrigued.

And I'm in charge.

And you're not going
near there until

you're the right age.

When am I going
to be the right age?

The day after I'm dead.

Lila, you shouldn't
be thinking about

dark and smoky nightclubs.

You should be thinking
about your survival weekend.

Remember, they're
picking you up

at five in the morning.

And you should
be thinking about

what classes you wanna take.

Remember, registration's
tonight at Student Union.

I can't believe it's been
a whole quarter already.

I can.

You know how?

How?

Because we know each
other long enough now

that I can do this.

And you won't
do anything

but smile and say, "Charles."

Charles.

Okay.

I love my life.

I hit a home run,
I go to a good school,

I live in a nice
house with hot water,

and I take care of
three nice children

who give me cookies.

You shouldn't talk
like that, Charles.

Ah, why not, Jason?

I'm happy.

Well, you shouldn't
be happy out loud.

My father always says
don't ever compliment

something out loud,

it always breaks.

Yeah, but I was
complimenting my life.

Goodbye, Charles.

Oh, Jason, you're crazy.

How could anything go
wrong when everything

is so good?

[doorbell rings]

Including my good friends.

Come on in, Buddy, it's open.

Hiya, Buddy!

Hi, pal.

-Elliot!
-Jason!

-It's Elliot!
-It's Jason!

And stay down there, you spy!

It's normal,
it's natural.

Charles, is it natural
for Douglas to peek

under closed bathroom doors
when the shower is running?

For what purpose?

I caught him staring
at Gwendolyn's naked feet.

Douglas, I'm not
entirely happy

about you staring at
Gwendolyn's naked feet.

Neither am I.

But you gotta
start somewhere.

-Elliot!
-Elliot!

-Kilgore!
-Kilgore!

Alien in area.

Please classify.

Called a Charles.

Orbits around household.

Good guy or bad guy?

-Good guy.
-Good guy.

In that case,
hi, Charles, I'm Elliot.

Hi.

Good guy or bad guy?

-Cousin.
-Cousin.

Oh.

My father's brother is...

Who's in the shower?

I heard all of you
down here...

I heard the
shower shut off,

I looked under the door,

but I didn't
recognize the feet.

Gwendolyn.

-Elliot.
-Stan.

Stan--Elliot!

-Jill!
-Charles, Elliot.

Elliot, Charles.

-Charles!
-Gwendolyn, Elliot.

-Gwendolyn.
-Gwendolyn!

Gwendolyn, let me
see your feet!

Well, Elliot, this
is a nice surprise.

Really, it shouldn't be.

Didn't my dad call?

My brother?

Nah, you know him.

Charles...

Have I told you
about my brother?

No, sir, I don't
think you ever did.

Okay, well, you'll
have to remind me to.

And this...

is for you, Kilgore.

Oh, thanks, Kilgore!

What's all this
Kilgore stuff?

The Kilgore covenant, Charles.

Shh.

It's very secret.

Very mysterious.

There are only two
Kilgores in the world.

-Me and Kilgore.
-Me and Kilgore.

Oh, I see.

I'll be back in
a thousand years.

Get milk.

Douglas was supposed
to play catch with me.

It was my first step
to making him normal.

I don't know if I can wait
another thousand years.

How about if I play
catch with you, Jason?

Oh, no, he doesn't
need you, Charles.

What?

The man has to learn

that when there's
no one else around,

he has to play
catch with himself!

Oh, neat!

There you go!

Isn't it great
how Elliot

gets along with
the children?

And go, and go.

Don't drop it, now,
don't drop it, now,

don't drop it.

Keep going, keep going.

Keep going, all right.

Keep going--there we go!

And I've heard
a lot of good things

about Copeland College.

And I do have family here,

so I decided to transfer.

Now Kilgore can
be twice as strong.

We can dominate the universe!

And we'll build
a satellite dish

from a garbage can
cover and a walkman

and tell the world!

Good, Kilgore.

Coffee?

Yeah, I'll have a cup.

Whoa, Elliot.

I don't think he's ready
for coffee yet, do you?

Sure, why not?

I don't know,
doesn't it stunt

your growth or something?

That's ridiculous, Charles.

I've been drinking
coffee for 30 years.

I'm sorry, Charles.

I realize it's
your job to help

raise my little
cousins correctly.

And Uncle Stan
and Aunt Jill

were probably right
to play it safe

and hire a conservative
negative influence.

I-I'm not negative.

Lila, don't do that.

Charles is right, Lila.

This table isn't a toy,

and that's just noise.

Don't make noise.

-Thank you, Elliot.
-Of course, Charles.

You have to play
with feeling!

[clanking on dishes]

Orchestra!

[clanking on dishes]

Marching band!

[clanking]

Aren't you going to
do anything, Charles?

Yes.

Honey, you can't
just shut the door.

You have a responsibility.

Up to a point...I think.

What do you mean, Charles?

You are responsible
for this house.

They're beating
it to death.

Gwendolyn, he's family, I'm not.

And besides,
Mr. and Mrs. Pembroke

are in their bedroom.

They'll stop 'em.

[loud knocking]

Why aren't they stopping him?

Oh, great, now he's
taking them outside.

You know, I had those
kids in such a groove.

No, no--Buddy, it's Buddy.

-What?
-It's Buddy.

Oh, great, he's gotten
to him, too, now.

Hey, come on, you guys.

Are you ready?

Let's go!

Well, registration,
come on, aren't you ready?

Let's go!

What are you
so excited about?

Registration!

Every girl on campus in
one spot at the same time.

Openly declaring
where they're gonna be

every minute of
every school day.

I just love
the American

educational system.

Just wait a minute, Buddy.

Let me check and see
if the kids are all right.

Well, why wouldn't
they be all right?

The kitchen!

We claim it as our own!

Hail Elliot!

King of Man!

And to the victors
goes the...

Ice cream!

Charles, join us
in a gallon

of fudge ripple?

No, thanks.

And I really don't
think the kids

should be eating
the whole gallon.

You know, he's right.

What should we
do with it, troops?

Let's spray it
in the bathtub

and wallow in it like pigs.

Douglas, that's disgusting.

No, Charles.

This is disgusting.

[snorts like a pig]

Hi, Elliot.

Oh, that's my
good friend, Buddy.

Buddy?

Glad to know you, Buddy.

Charles.

Trouble.

Who is this guy?

He's their cousin.

Even bigger trouble.

Why?

He's a winker.

A winker?

Yeah, you know,
a smile and a wink.

Like this...

Hiya, Charles.

You do that
very well, Buddy.

Well, I ought to.

I used to be a winker

before I met you
and learned to curb

my winker tendencies.

Which are?

To have a good
time at all costs.

You know, Elliot.

You got Douglas
a wizard hat,

and Jason juggling ba*ls.

What'd you get me?

For you I got...

an evening on the town.

What does that mean?

French fries
and a hamburger

and home by eight?

That means a night
of enchantment

personally supervised
by your cousin Elliot.

You got any good nightclubs

in this fair city?

Does it bother you at all

that the kids go crazy
over him like that?

No, Buddy, why would
it bother me?

He's just visiting,

he deserves their attention.

I'm here all the time,

I live here.

I-I'm like family.

No, you work here
and he is family.

Blood is thicker
than water, Charles.

So?

So, you've got
a pretty good thing here.

And he knows it.

Because winkers
are very smart.

And if he is
transferring here,

why shouldn't he
want your good thing

if he can have it?

You mean he'd
help raise the kids?

Why not?

He's blood,
you're water.

Dead water.

Well, here we are, Charles.

This is the future.

Picking the right courses
can mean the difference

between working
for a living or...

marrying money.

Charles, there's
something wrong.

You seem like you're
a million miles away.

No, actually,
Gwendolyn,

I'm down the street
at the Pembrokes'.

There's wallowing
in ice cream going on.

Listen, Charles,
I don't wanna miss out

on Art Appreciation.

I'm gonna be in
that line over there.

Okay.

Okay...

How about, uh,
Sociology 121?

Introduction to
Alternative Lifestyles.

No, I don't need
any sociology courses.

Alternative Lifestyles, Charles.

Nudist colonies!

Maybe they have
field trips!

Buddy, why don't
you just try

for a scholarship
to Club Med?

It's an elective.

Come on, Charles.

I'd like to have some fun.

Uh, Sociology 121, please.

Okay, here's your
course card.

And here's your
reading list.

You have to read
all these books?

Yes.

No, thanks.

What's wrong?

I won't take a course
if you have to read

more than five books.

Because I won't read 'em
and then I'll be forced

to cheat.

And I don't cheat, Charles.

It's good to know
you're a man

of principle, Buddy.

Come on, we gotta cut
in this line over here.

Excuse me, but what's this?

A Study of the Koran.

One book.

All right!

Oh, Charles, look!

I got two wonderful
courses already.

Are you happy
with what you've got?

I've got trouble, Gwendolyn.

What?

Because at this
very moment

Elliot could be
teaching Jason

how to recite limericks
that begin with...

"There once was
a lady from Fargo."

All this trouble because

I loved my life out
loud and it broke.

Listen, Charles.

How could Elliot be
teaching Jason limericks

when he's taking Lila to that
nightclub on Water Street?

He's what?

I thought he knew.

Elliot!

Charles!

What are you doing
home so early?

It's not that early, Lila.

It's nine o'clock.

What are you
doing back there?

Oh, well, I was just
putting on an earring.

Oh, you need those for
your survival weekend?

Well, if I get
lost in the woods,

they'll spot these
from the plane.

I submit, Your Honor,
that the defendant

was not wearing
her earrings

to go on a survival weekend...

but rather to go
dancing on Water Street.

I can't believe
Gwendolyn told you.

What did you do,

kiss it out of her?

She didn't have
to tell me.

You know, there's
something terrible

going on in this house.

It's like judgment
and responsibility

have gotten thrown out
with Sunday's paper.

Is Elliot back
with the stuff yet?

What stuff?

We have a picture yet?

Just snow.

Still snow.

Snow, but it's
coming in clearer.

Clearer.

Hey, we've got something.

What have we got?

Snow.

It's a weather report.

Are you gonna tell
my parents, Charles?

Lila, you know
what you've got?

You've got 14.

And 14 only lasts

It's precious.

So, don't waste
one single day of it

doing something
that comes later.

There isn't a girl at school

in the inner circle
of popularity

who hasn't snuck
out on her parents.

You're not sneaking
out on your parents.

You're sneaking out on me.

Here we go!

Supplies for the troops!

Ba-na!

Bam.

And something special
for my generals.

Oh, wow!

Cigars!

Do we have to smoke 'em?

Not until I teach
you how to play poker.

Okay, Elliot.

You wanna give the boys
candy and cigars,

that's fine.

The worst that
will happen

is they'll get
a bellyache

and smell like my
Uncle Ralph's suit.

But this is a

You don't take
a 14 year old girl

to a place that
needs bouncers.

You don't take Lila
to a place where

she won't be respected.

As a matter of fact,

you don't take
this girl anywhere.

Well, you're not a very
good-time Charles, are you?

Maybe I just don't
agree with you

as to what
constitutes a good time.

Does anyone care what the

No.

Lila, this has absolutely
nothing to do with you.

I can't believe that
you would even think

of taking her to a place
of smoke and darkness.

She said she was
intrigued, Charles.

I don't care
what she said!

This is a girl
who dots I's

with little hearts.

I'm just helping
her grow up.

Yeah!

Well, I happen to think
she's doing fine by herself.

Yeah?

Oh, I've got a fudge
ripple stomachache.

They go away.

Not this one.

I could feel
the fudge rippling.

Oh, now, come on, Jason.

Don't blame it
on the ice cream.

Oh, Charles,
a tidal ripple!

Come on, Jase.

Hey, listen.

This isn't my responsibility.

It wasn't my ice cream.

Oh no, not that.

Maybe Elliot's right,
maybe it'll go away.

[screams]

Why are you putting the
kid through this, Charles?

Come on, Jason, we'll
go practice juggling.

You'll feel better.

No, it's okay.

I don't feel
like it right now.

Wanna go lie down
for a while?

Thanks, Charles.

Can't juggle your way out
of a stomachache, Elliot.

Can't charm your
way out of it,

and can't clown
your way out of it.

Right, come on, Lila.

Let's go, you ready?

What?

I can still go?

-Yes!
-No!

Wait a minute.

Who's in charge here?

-You are!
-I am.

You're not family, Charles.

And this is a family matter.

I think you're
risking your job.

You know what I mean?

I don't care
about my job, Elliot.

I care about three young
impressionable children.

I'm not young, Charles.

Lila, you are 14.

You are sweet and
you are lovely.

And you're gonna
stay that way all year.

And then we'll talk again

when you're 15.

And she's going on
a survival weekend,

and she's being
picked up for it

very early in the morning.

You are talking
to her cousin.

And you are talking
to her friend.

And the only dark
place she's going to

is her room to go to sleep.

And if you take this girl out
of this house this evening,

she will survive
the weekend,

but you will not.

Charles...

Well.

I think it's time
Uncle Stan and I

had a little talk anyway.

Elliot.

We'll see just
who survives what.

And the kids
are in bed?

Mm-hmm.

Asleep, safe and sound.

Such a reasonable hour.

After a day with
Cousin Elliot,

that is no small feat.

And the house seems in
reasonably good shape.

Mm-hmm, no major damage.

You wanna know something?

I never had any doubt.

Mr. and Mrs. Pembroke,

I love my life.

And even if I'm not supposed
to say it out loud, I do.

And I wanted you to know it.

Because most of my life
is in this house

with your children.

And if anything
wrong happens to them,

it makes me not love
my life as much.

Weren't you
supposed to remind me

of something, Charles?

And I understand how
important family is,

and that he's your nephew

and you love him,
and you should,

because he seems
like he's lots of fun.

But at the risk
of losing my job...

your children
are too young

for a bad influence.

Even if it's disguised

as lots of fun.

And even if it's
a family member.

Well, thank you
for listening,

and I hope you'll give
me good references.

What was it you
were supposed

to remind me of?

Um, I was supposed
to remind you about

your brother Dave.

Who is also disguised
as a lot of fun,

and a member of the family,

and the most
irresponsible man alive,

and his son
is following

in his footsteps.

But you have to make
family allowances, Charles.

Do you understand
what I'm telling you?

I have absolutely no idea.

Well, of course not.

You're not related,
which why you are here

and Elliot is gone.

-Elliot left?
-Of course.

We had a lovely
conversation.

He gave me some advice,

I gave him some advice,

and then he went
off to his new dorm.

I think he got
a spot in Bailey Hall.

You mean he just left?

Charles, people
who know how

to only say
"yes" to children

never stay around long
enough to make repairs.

Mr. Pembroke,
you were here,

why didn't you stop him?

We've been stopping
him for years, Charles.

We just thought maybe
you'd like to have

some of the fun.

You've earned the right.

Bite?

I-I'd rather have
some cold spaghetti.

-There's cold spaghetti?
-There's cold spaghetti?

Yeah, way in back
where I hid it.

Here, I'll show you.

If you're looking
for the spaghetti,

I ate it yesterday.

Oh, Douglas.

I just wanted to tell you

my stomach feels
better now, Charles.

Glad to hear it, Jason.

Charles.

Lila?

I'll survive.

Okay, kids,
back to bed.

Come on, we'll tuck you in.

Charles?

Kilgore.

[knocking]

-Hey, hi.
-Hi!

We, uh, saw the light on.

So, where's Elliot?

Oh, he moved
into his dorm.

Oh, don't tell me.

Bailey Hall, right?

Yes, how did you know?

All the winkers
live there.

We also want you to know
that we registered you

in school so you have
absolutely nothing

to worry about.

You know, you guys
are good friends.

Oh, I'll say.

Every course
I signed you up for

has a minimum
ratio of four girls

to every guy.

Well, I signed you up
for Basic Business,

English Lit,
and Art Appreciation,

in case you also
wanted an education.

Art Appreciation.

I signed up
for that, too.

It wouldn't have
anything to do

with the section
on nudes, would it?

Gwendolyn.

I just want
an education, too.

Life's wonderful,
isn't it, Charles?

Yes.

Shh.

♪

of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge

of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge

of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪