01x10 - Friends and Lovers

[bunniefuu]

♪ New boy in the neighborhood

lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to
take good care of me,

like he's one
of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing
I want, I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing

I want Charles
in charge of me ♪♪

♪

Keep it.

Keep it.

Oh, Mrs. Pembroke,
Mr. Pembroke, hi.

Listen, Gwendolyn and I

have an important
announcement.

-You're too young.
-You're too young.

What?

Charles, Gwendolyn,
you hardly know each other.

Jill, we're
not their parents.

Yeah, but Stan,
their parents aren't here

and they need good advice

from people who
care about them.

Then we qualify,
go ahead.

Marriage is too big
a step for people

who have only been seeing
each other two months.

No, we're not
getting married.

Very effective, Jill.

In fact, we're not
gonna be dating anymore.

Charles and I realize
that we've been going

much too fast,
much too soon.

You know, you get too hot
too fast, you burn up.

Would you like us
to hose you down?

You see, there
are enough pressures

on us already in college.

So we figure why
add the pressure

of a serious relationship?

We've got plenty of time
for that after we graduate.

Too much pressure can turn
good friends into enemies.

You're enemies
of the Federation.

I've been out there
for five minutes

asking you
to beam me up.

Beam me up, beam me up!

I've got polyps!

Mr. Abernathy told me that
if I said it one more time,

he'd beam me someplace
I don't think I want to go.

Hi, Ma,
hi, Dad.

The Federation has
approved your Earth station.

Thank you, Douglas.

We call it home.

Keep it.

I'm sorry, Douglas,
I didn't hear you.

I must have had
this turned off.

And you wanted to
be lunar commander.

Excuse us.

Doug--

[banging]

Douglas, I, I did not
want to be lunar commander.

I wanted to borrow
your chemistry set

so Gwendolyn and I could
do our chemistry assignment,

that's all.

And in return,
you made Gwendolyn and me

take you to the outer space
superheroes convention

where we sat
for five hours

listening to a lecture
by a Yoda look-alike.

Charles!

Jason!

How could you
let this happen?

We're out of
Italian dressing.

Oh, well, why don't
you use French dressing?

Because I told my
whole soccer team

that the key to
my amazing stamina

was my famous celery salad.

Now Max Shrimner
is coming over

to try it for himself.

Mm-hmm, well,
what's your recipe?

Celery and Italian
dressing and hot fudge.

You mean you and
Gwendolyn didn't have

an interesting
experience with me

at the convention, Charles?

Douglas, I not only speak
for Gwendolyn and myself,

but for all mankind

when I say that
being anywhere with you

is an interesting experience.

He's just saying that.

And we just care so
much about each other

that we decided we should
start seeing other people.

Does that sound
silly to you?

I would just hate to see
the two of you break up.

No, we're not breaking up.

Breaking up is
when people say,

"Maybe we should
see other people,"

which really means,

"I'm leaving you for
the next person I meet

that can count to one."

Now that's breaking up.

But who could
break up with this?

Keep it.

Honey, we're not
supposed to keep everything.

We're supposed to be
starting a give-away pile.

All we're doing is
wrinkling our clothes.

All right, okay, okay.

We'll give away the
next thing, no matter what.

Toss that ugly rag!

That's mine.

Love it, can I borrow it?

As I was saying, that's
not what it means for us,

because Gwendolyn and I are
so secure in our friendship

that going out
with other people

is only going to help us
appreciate each other more.

Oh.

Don't show me,
just throw it out

before I see it
and become undignified.

I am so glad you
feel that way, Charles.

I'm glad we both
feel that way.

I mean, it wouldn't
work if one of us

didn't want to try
and one of us did.

-That makes me very happy.
-Good.

Because one of us
has a date tonight.

What?

Lila's pacifier.

Aww.

What do you mean one of
us has a date tonight?

You mean one
of us besides me?

Jason's blue blanket.

Aww.

I mean, one of us was
asked out and it wasn't you.

Douglas' Sea Monkeys.

Besides me?

Tonight?

Well, what about our
chemistry assignment?

Besides me?

Yes, Charles.

Other guys do ask me out.

Oh, I don't
want to hear that.

[banging]

I don't want to
hear that either.

Listen, Charles,
you're the reason

I've said no all along.

But ever since we
had our little talk,

you're the
reason I said yes.

What exactly did
you say yes to?

A movie.

Okay, it's fine.

-Charles?
-Fine, fine, fine.

Look, I have some
mixed emotions, okay?

I understand.

You would.

Charles, you're
upset, aren't you?

Upset is Max Shrimner

who will certainly
know the difference

between French
and Italian dressing!

Charles, he's my best,
best, best friend

and I don't entertain
at home very often,

so I want everything
to be perfect.

Jason?

Yeah, Dad?

Charles is kinda
busy right now.

Why don't you use
extra hot fudge

and call it celery surprise?

Okay, that could work.

Thanks, Dad.

Now I know how
to cook two things.

Douglas, Douglas.

I love you like a brother,
but please don't do anything

to embarrass--
forget it.

Look, Gwendolyn--

-Charles?
-What?

Do you know how you
talk about the children

and how you protect
us with your own life?

Yes.

These are my children.

I love them, Charles.

Each little flask
and extractor

is like one of my own.

I understand
completely, Douglas.

Thank you, Charles,
that's very comforting.

So long, boys.

All right, why don't
we forget about us

and just do the
assignment, okay?

Okay.

Celery surprise,
a new family recipe

handed down from my father.

[doorbell ringing]

Max!

Okay, the assignment.

Chemical reactions.

How the body reacts

to particular
chemical essences.

You have been supplied
with four vials,

test properties
and observe reactions

to chemical mixtures.

So I guess we just mix
these together, right?

Sounds simple enough.

Let's mix one

and number four.

Any reaction?

No, nothing here.

And I've still
got mixed emotions.

Why don't we go
over some elements

-while we're waiting, okay?
-sh**t.

Okay, Al?

Aluminum.

Uh, Ra?

Radium.

Hg?

Um, Hairgonium?

-Mercury.
-Mercury.

Why isn't anything
happening here?

I don't know.

Ooh, it feels weird.

Mmm, smells good.

Really?

Let me see.

Well, it doesn't
do anything for me,

you really like that?

Yeah.

As a matter of fact, I do.

My observations are
that number one and four

smell incredible
on Gwendolyn.

-Charles?
-Don't move.

Why?

I am on the verge of a
scientific breakthrough.

Mmm.

Mmm.

-Just as I thought.
-What?

Number one and four also
taste incredible on Gwendolyn.

Charles, this is
not the assignment.

We are beyond the assignment.

We're going to
win a Nobel prize.

What other senses are there
besides smell and taste?

Listen, I'm gonna mix
two and three together.

Touch.

Mmm, I love this stuff.

I think two and
three are ready.

Nothing, you?

Uh-oh.

Hmm.

Gwendolyn?

Charles.

Charles.

Gwendolyn.

I think we should get
back to the elements.

I think that's
what we're doing.

Lithium, He.

Helium, O.

Oxygen.

Me too.

Here, taste this.

Uh, Jason, what
are you doing?

Looking for something sharp.

For what?

To pierce our skin.

Max and I have decided
that being best friends

isn't good enough.

We've decided to
become blood brothers.

Right?

Wrong, forget it.

Now there are
less painful ways

of expressing
your friendship.

Yeah, but what good are they?

Come on, Max.

Something stinks in here.

I would at this time
like to demonstrate

the less painful way
of expressing friendship.

Charles, I need you!

The Comet Kohoutek is coming.

Douglas, it better
be at the front door.

According to this article,

it's going to arrive
within two years.

I gotta make sure
the telescope's set up.

Douglas, it's
a quarter after six.

That leaves about

Now call me crazy,
but I think it can wait.

It's a quarter after six?

Charles, I have to go.

No, what do you
mean you have to go?

Didn't you hear this man?

The Comet Kohoutek is coming!

You have to stay
here for two years!

What's this mess?

Charles, this isn't chemistry.

Douglas, believe me,
there's chemistry here.

Charles, I have to go.

You can't go,
Gwendolyn, you can't go.

No, Gwendolyn, Gwendolyn,

you've got to stay
in the name of science.

We have more elements to do.

Charles, I need you
and I need you now.

Jason, what?

It's personal, Charles.

Look, this is a very
critical time for me.

Me too.

My shirt's caught
in my zipper!

Say no more,
I've been there.

Excuse me for one minute.

It's really stuck in there,
go get the scissors.

Forget it, Charles!

Forget it, Gwendolyn.

You know you
don't want to go.

But you know
I should go.

I know I don't
want you to go.

But I know
I should go.

Oh, listen, Charles,

let's don't do
this to each other.

We're going to be good
friends, wonderful friends.

I'm doing this for us.

♪

Gwendolyn, there's
a chemical reaction

going on here!

♪

So you're telling me

that Gwendolyn's out on
a date with another guy?

Yes.

And you approve, Charles?

The mature tenth of me does.

So do I, Charles.

Really, Buddy?

You mean you understand
that Gwendolyn and I

are doing the mature
and sensible thing?

No.

I understand
that Charles and I

are free to go down
to the student union

and meet women our
mothers would be ashamed of.

Why would you
want to do that?

Excuse me, Jason.

Eavesdropping is not
your finest quality.

Charles, I happen to
be playing hide and seek.

I happen to be hiding and
Max happens to be seeking.

And if you don't
shut the door, I'm sook!

I found you,
tag, you're it!

I hope you're satisfied.

Count to 25 and
then start looking.

One, two--

Jason, I'm really sorry.

Uh-huh, you're sorry,

but I'm it, it,
it, Charles!

The worst thing
a person can be!

Really?

Of course!

Why do you think at the
beginning of the game,

everybody yells,
"not it!"

Makes sense to me.

Ready or not,
here I come!

I hate yelling that, but
I have no choice, you see,

because I'm it!

You know, Charles, tonight
happens to be the meeting

of the female foreign
exchange students.

We can start with the girls
who don't speak English.

Why?

Because, we can say
anything we want to them

and they won't understand us.

And because we
won't understand them

when they tell us no.

Buddy, "You filthy pig,"

sounds the same
in any language.

Are you sure we've gone
through every closet, Jill?

Mm-hmm, all of
this is charity.

Oh, I have some stuff
I want to donate, too.

Well, it certainly
gives me a warm feeling

to know I'm living in a house
with such charitable people.

Especially you, Lila.

Ah well, thanks, Dad.

Yeah, Lila, it
looks as though

you're giving your
entire wardrobe away.

Ah well, thanks, Buddy.

Especially at a time

when her father's a
little too strapped

to replace any of
the stuff right away.

So, you two
going out tonight?

Yup, just two young
bachelors out on the prowl.

Oh, really?

Charles, you plan to do
some prowling tonight?

Yes.

I owe it to Gwendolyn
to prowl my heart out.

You know, this
reminds me exactly

of what Stan and
I did in college.

Um, I wouldn't tell
that story, Jill.

Really?

No, I had a relationship
in school too,

and we came to
the same decision

as you and Gwendolyn.

We were too young and
we knew the relationship

would fall apart if we
stayed so close together.

I wouldn't tell
that story, Jill.

So I started to
date other people.

And on my first date,

I knew I'd done
the right thing.

Mmm, because you went back to
Mr. Pembroke and married him.

No, because my very
first date was Mr. Pembroke.

Why am I not happy
with that story?

Why did you tell
that story, Jill?

Because, Charles,
no matter what you do,

you're gonna love
who you're gonna love.

Who could not love this?

-I'll see you later.
-Goodbye.

So, you're gonna see
some nice girls tonight?

Oh, I don't know.

They don't speak
any English.

Ah, you organized
this evening, I assume?

Thank you.

Charles, could I speak
to you for a minute?

We decided to go
camping tonight!

Ah, wait a minute.

Uh, it's a little
too cold outside,

you're not going camping.

But, Dad, it's not
too cold to go camping

and I told Max that
we could go camping!

Jason, I'll tell you what.

We'll light a
fire over there

and I'll pitch
the tent for you

right here in
the living room.

-Yeah!
-Yeah!

Charles, I know
I'm not your father

and this may
be out of line,

but home before
the sun comes up.

Do you understand
what I'm telling you?

You're not out
of line, sir.

We'll be back in
a few hours, thank you.

Have fun.

What about me, sir?

Buddy, your
family loves you,

don't disgrace them.

Enjoy your evening.

-Happy prowling.
-Goodnight.

This is Cameron-5,
on Earth station Pembroke.

My molecular analyzer reads,

"We are in an
oxygen-nitrogen living room,

able to support
life as we know it."

What do they feed this kid?

He's dead, Jim.

See, Charles,
what did I tell you?

Co-ed city!

A vast sea of
foreign females.

Look, there's two
of them just waiting

for two handsome
future upper-classmen

to walk right up to
them and...do that.

Hey, it's okay, no problem.

Charles, there's plenty
more to choose from.

Anybody here
look Swedish to you?

Or perhaps I can interest
you in something Parisian?

I don't know, Buddy.

I haven't asked a girl
out since Gwendolyn.

That was nine weeks ago.

What if I've lost my touch?

Charles, that's exactly
why I brought us here.

All of these women
who don't understand

the ramifications
of the word yes.

And we're just the guys
to teach it to them.

Yes, I know that, Buddy.

Just talk, Charles,
this is for your own good.

Ah, bonsoir.

'Allo!

Comment allez-vous?

'Allo!

Je m'appelle
Lizette, et vous?

Yes, say, yes!

Why, what did she say?

What's the difference,

you're in no
position to say no!

Parlez-vous français?

Sure, uh,
Renault Le Car.

[speaking French]

I think we broke her.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to bump into you like that.

Although if I were going

to bump into
somebody, it would be--

Forget it, kiddo,
you're wasting your time.

Foreign, remember?

You don't need
to be charming.

Watch this.

Hey, sugar momma?

You and me, hot tub.

See, nothin'!

Where are you from,
sweet cakes?

Finland, Czechoslovakia?

London.

Uh, Buddy, this
isn't working for me.

But Charles,
we just got here.

Look, I don't want,
"You and me, hot tub."

Why should I experiment
with these girls

when I could go back and
experiment with Gwendolyn?

Wait a minute,
I know that smell.

That's one and four.

One and four, one and--

One and four?

[speaking foreign language]

You and me, hot tub?

[speaking foreign language]

Okay, that's it, it's up.

Finally.

Only two and a half hours,
new Pembroke record.

Well, you think they'd
include better instructions.

It's your company.

Hi, hi, everybody.

-Oh, hi, Charles.
-Hi, Charles.

Oh, home early.

Yeah, uh, he probably had

a completely
uninteresting evening.

No, on the contrary, I had
a very interesting evening.

Well, that's nice,
only we're not

quite ready to
hear about it.

Hey, tent looks great.

The boys camping
out in there?

Well, I'm ready to hear
about your interesting evening.

Goodnight, Lila.

Oh, do I have to?

Goodnight, Douglas.

You can't see me,
I'm invisible.

We'll be saying
goodnight, too.

-Goodnight.
-Goodnight.

What are you doing here?

I thought we had some
unfinished business.

Oh, you mean the chemistry?

That's okay, I gave Douglas
all his equipment back.

Charles, there's something
I need to tell you.

I knew it, he tried to
put his arm around you

at the movie, didn't he?

It doesn't matter.

What size popcorn did he
buy you, the jumbo tub, huh.

Tell me he didn't
try to impress you

with the jumbo tub.

Yes, the jumbo
tub with butter.

It's not real
butter, you know.

Listen, Charles,
I came to tell you

that I went to the movies,
ate popcorn and--

And--there's an and!

And I had a very nice time.

But we were right,

that's what I needed
to come by and tell you.

We were right
because my date

didn't take anything
away from our friendship.

We're a very special
part of each other's lives.

I went to the student union

and tried to talk to some
foreign exchange girls.

And I had a very nice time.

And I couldn't
even understand them.

I hate you, I hate you

with all the hate
in the universe!

Well it's all right 'cause
that's how much I hate you!

Well I don't care
what new toys you get,

I never want to
play with you again!

Fine, see if I care!

[car honking]

Coming!

And you just
better be on time

to walk to
school on Monday.

Don't worry, I will!

Jason?

Charles, don't worry,
Max and I are friends forever.

Friends?

Forever.

♪

How'd it go, Charles?

Everything okay, Charles?

Did you and Gwendolyn
work everything out?

Everything is worked out.

And I am ready to
take on the world.

[doorbell ringing]

Why, good evening,
Mr. Pembroke.

And may I say
what a pleasure

it is to see
you again, sir?

Charles, it's the world.

Well come on,
you ready, let's go.

It's getting late.

Late for what?

Where are we
going now, Buddy?

Oh, I thought we'd
take a little walk

over to the Lamplight

and check out the
girl situation there.

Buddy, you know the
girl situation there.

Come on, those girls don't
have anything to offer me.

I mean, none of them have
any of Gwendolyn's wit,

any of Gwendolyn's charm,
any of Gwendolyn's--

They speak English.

That's a start.

♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing

I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days and our nights ♪

♪ And I sing

I want Charles
in charge of me ♪♪