01x13 - The Commotion

[bunniefuu]

♪ New boy in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to
take good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge

of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge

of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want, I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge

of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge

of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪

Carey and Laurie
are over here

listening to Van Halen.

My father comes
in and pretends

he's playing the guitar.

I thought I'd gag.

Lila, could you
wrap this up?

Charles!

They're fighting!

My father called
my mother Jillian.

He never calls her Jillian

unless he hates her.

Jason, your father
doesn't hate your mother.

He does if he's
calling her Jillian.

That's not even her name.

I know that,

but there's not a lot
you can do with Jill.

Parents always use
the longest version

of your name when
they're angry.

The more trouble you're in,

the longer
your name gets.

You're right.

When my mother goes,
"Jason Michael Pembroke,"

I'm a dead beagle.

My mother called
my father Stanley.

Stanley Albert!

Are you listening
in on them?

Yeah, it's terrific!

They're almost up to
their confirmation names.

Oh, did you hear who
Kevin's going out with?

I know he was
your boyfriend,

but I thought
you broke up

when you moved
to Chicago.

Lila, Lila, I can't
concentrate with

you on the phone.

This is very important.

Is it life or death?

-Yes.
-Not good enough.

Repeat back to me what
I told you 10 minutes ago.

"You're under
a terrible deadline

and you have to
finish tonight."

After that.

"Every word you write
is blood from your veins."

After that.

"One more word from me and
you'll sew my lips together."

That.

Charles!

My father just goes,

"Okay, if that's
the way you want it."

And my mother goes,

"That's the way I want it."

And then she goes...

[blows raspberry]

Okay.

No more bulletins.

Look, guys, really,

this is not
just a term paper,

my scholarship
depends on it.

Where's Douglas?

I hate it when
I can't see Douglas.

I'm getting the
whole thing on tape.

Charles, my father
just did it back to her!

[blows raspberry]

And now they're doing
it back to each other.

[blows raspberry]

Jason!

Stop it.

You're ruining my tape.

It sounds like static.

Okay, guys,
come on, get down.

Come on.

Douglas, Jason, come on.

Lila, hang that up, please.

Let's go.

I don't have time for this,

but I'm going
to say it anyway.

I have a paper due
tomorrow morning,

which means I have to
crank out 30 pages tonight.

And aside from
being interrupted

every five minutes,

there's only one thing
that's making this assignment

even more difficult.

I've been assigned to
write it with someone.

[doorbell chimes]

Come in.

Now, who is the last
person on Earth

that you would want
to be paired with?

-Buddy.
-Right.

Wow!

How'd you do that?

Buddy, what are
you doing here?

You're supposed to be
writing your half

of our term paper.

Oh, I'm finished.

That's impossible.

I'm only up
to page 11.

Charles, come on.

How long can it take
you to copy 30 pages

from an encyclopedia?

Buddy...

this is no good.

Well, it was good enough
for Mr. Britannica.

Yes, but he won't
be grading our paper.

Come on, Buddy,
anybody who reads this

is going to know
you copied it

straight out
of a book.

You've gotta put it
in your own words.

"In ancient Rome,
bacchanalia was

a contributory factor
to the eventual

disillusion of the Empire."

"Those guys in togas
were party animals."

And I thought
we were in trouble.

Charles, if you're
busy doing your paper,

and my parents
are busy fighting,

then who's in charge of us?

Your parents are, Lila.

And they're not fighting.

I prefer to think
of it as two adults

talking things over at
the top of their voices.

[glass breaks]

And breaking things.

I, uh, accidentally
knocked over the lamp.

Charles, I'll be
going to dinner now.

Now?

Mrs. Pembroke,
you can't leave!

Well, I mean,
you can leave.

But you said I could
have tonight with Buddy

to finish my term
paper, remember?

Oh, please remember,
Mrs. Pembroke.

You were standing right
there when you said it.

Don't worry, Charles.

I will be reviewing
a new Chinese restaurant,

but I will be
dining alone.

Mr. Stanley Albert Pembroke

will be here taking
care of the children.

Oh, doesn't Mr. Pembroke
like Chinese food?

Oh, Mr. Pembroke
likes Chinese food...

he just doesn't enjoy
eating it with people

who are more concerned
with how much oil

is in their food,

than how much oil
is in their car.

I will be at Willy
Wong's China Palace.

-Bye, Mom.
-Bye.

♪

You know what her
problem is, Charles?

She's gotta be an '80s woman

and use the self
service island

at the gas station.

If she'd use the full
service island just once,

maybe she'd hear
the guy say,

"Check the oil, ma'am."

Do you know
what happens

when you run
a car without oil?

These are rhetorical
questions, right, sir?

I'll tell you what happens.

Something very expensive.

Well...

Jillian Ann Pembroke
is not the only one

who's going to enjoy
a delicious meal

this evening.

I'm gonna fix
something special.

Hungry, Charles?

What are you making, sir?

Bologna on whole wheat

with mustard
and lettuce,

hold the mayo.

[hearty laughs]

Hold the mayo!

Oh, boy.

I'll tell you, Charles,

she may have
ruined her car,

but she can't ruin my
sense of humor, uh-uh.

Join me?

It looks very
appetizing, sir,

but, um...

Actually, I came in
here to remind you...

You know, Charles?

Mrs. Pembroke used
to make the greatest

bologna sandwiches.

Yes, sir,
I'm sure she did.

But eight a.m. is
going to be here--

You know what
she'd do, Charles?

First she'd spread
the mayonnaise...

then the mustard...

never on the same slice.

-Sir...
-Then the bologna...

Then, you know
what, Charles?

The lettuce?

Charles, maybe I should
come back a little later.

No, Buddy, maybe
you should go to work.

Yeah, but I feel
a little funny,

you know, with
everything going on here.

Buddy, it's okay.

Okay?

How can you say
it's okay when

she's out eating
pressed duck and...

Big Red here is
force feeding himself

Oscar Mayer.

I'm sorry, sir.

He's not himself today.

No, no, Charles,
he's absolutely right.

If Mrs. Jillian Ann Pembroke

calls to beg
my forgiveness...

you tell her I've
gone out for dinner.

No, you just tell
her I've gone out.

And you don't
know where I went

or when I'm coming back.

He didn't hear
a word I said,

the poor guy.

He doesn't take
these little spats

very well.

Yeah, me neither.

I'm all torn up.

I can see that.

Hey, you heard him.

He said himself
he didn't know

when he would be back.

She took my car.

Her car's in the shop,
so she took my car.

I have no car.

No car, no wife.

No dinner.

I, uh...

never got there.

Too upset to eat anyway.

Would a hot bath
and something to eat

make you feel
any better?

Sounds like a heck of a start.

So Mr. Gaffney makes
me stand up and says,

"Would you like
to share that

with the rest of
the class, please?"

So, he makes me
read the note

which says, "Look,
Mr. Gaffney's fly is open."

Janet, I practically died!

You're talking to Janet?

I gotta go, I'll
call you right back.

Didn't Janet
move to Chicago?

Yeah, that's why
I have to call her

and fill her in.

Don't worry, Charles,
I got my mother's permission.

My parents don't
fight very often,

but it's amazing
what she'll agree to

when she's in the middle
of a fight with my dad.

[doorbell rings]

Buddy, Charles!

The most wonderful
thing has happened.

They're putting
Gilligan's Island

back on TV?

I don't believe it.

Oh, hey, come on.

There was a time
when you would've

k*lled for Ginger
or Mary Ann,

and you know it.

Gwendolyn, I would love
to hear wonderful news,

but Buddy and I are
writing a term paper

that's due on a desk
in the sociology building

before eight a.m.
tomorrow morning.

So, could you give us
the short version, please?

-Sure.
-Thank you.

You know how
I've always wanted

a Karmann Ghia.

I mean, ever since
I can remember,

I have dreamed
of owning a red

convertible Karmann Ghia.

The short version, Gwendolyn.

Well, yesterday
I'm at the mall

returning these wonderful
shoes that I bought,

but I had to return
because the left one

was too small.

And what do I see?

This is not the
short version, Gwen.

Notice I call you "Gwen,"

as I too just have time
for the short version.

Okay.

Okay, this is
the short version.

I saw my dream car
and I'm buying it.

That's great, congratulations!

Thank you.

What year is it?

Buddy, we don't care
what year it is.

Um, I don't know, it's
either a '72 or a '62,

but it is so cute
it doesn't matter.

How many miles
does it have?

Buddy, we don't care
how many miles are on it.

Six thousand,
isn't that good?

I don't think so.

Gwendolyn.

How could a car that's
somewhere between

have 6,000 miles on it?

Because, Charles, the guy's
mother used to drive it,

and she only
used to drive it

to the supermarket.

Charles...

I want this car so much.

I know you do, Gwendolyn,

but you shouldn't
rush into buying

a used car.

Oh, sure.

You remember to put
oil in your bathtub.

Hi, g*ng.

I get to sleep
on the couch.

Now?

It's not even 8:00.

Yeah, but I think I might
be coming down with a cold,

and I don't want
Mrs. Pembroke to catch it.

Works out perfectly.

Charles, do you mind
if I watch a little TV

in your room?

Okay.

But only until bedtime.

This is great.

I get to watch movies
with car crashes in 'em.

Mrs. Pembroke
hates car crashes.

Mr. Pembroke,
did Mrs. Pembroke

go to bed, too?

I don't know,
she wouldn't tell me.

All I said was,
"Don't you know

what a dipstick is?"

Look, uh, guys,

I know you're swamped
with your term paper,

but I wanna do the
right thing about this.

I really want this car.

What should I do?

Check the oil!

Well, thank you,
Mr. Pembroke.

Charles, if you think
of anything else

I should know about
this car, will you call me?

-Mm-hmm.
-Okay.

[car tires screeching]

[crash]

Mr. Pembroke?

Sir, I say this with
the utmost respect...

can you turn that down?

Come on, may be easier
in the kids' rooms.

Charles, was it
wrong to call Chicago

even though my mother said yes?

And I called the phone company

and it's gonna cost $31.

Was it wrong?

Well, you said
you had permission.

Yeah, permission.

I don't have $31.

I said, "Mom, okay if
I call Janet in Chicago?"

She said, "Fine."

I said, "Mom, okay if
I get some new clothes

on your credit card?"

She said, "Fine."

I said, "Mom, okay if
I rent my own apartment?"

And she said, "Fine."

But I didn't rent
my own apartment,

so that shows
I'm really not

taking advantage of
her, don't you think?

Charles, they're gonna
lock me in the garage

till I'm 30.

Charles, that's it.

The garage.

We can lock ourselves
in the garage!

Go.

Tell your friends
we're available

for birthday parties.

Hold it.

Explanation, Douglas.

And please,
make it fast.

I took Jason apart

molecule by molecule
and transmitted him

to Ursa Major,
where Jason exists

to this day in the form
of carbon tetrachloride.

Well, reassemble Jason.

I'd like to talk with him.

I can't.

All his molecules are going
to the bathroom right now.

Who were those kids?

A transmigration requires
an audience, Charles.

I asked my father
for permission

to do this experiment,
he said, "Fine."

Fine?

Oh, that's fine.

Why don't you
find Jason?

I'd like to talk
with both of you.

I am going for a walk.

I don't know where
or for how long.

Charles, don't worry.

Mr. Pembroke is here.

The children will be fine.

Mrs. Pembroke, I have--

Did I hear my wife's voice?

She went for a walk, sir.

Charles, I'll be right back.

The children
will be all right.

It's cold outside, sir.

Yeah, that's nothing
compared to how cold

it's been in here.

Charles, I did it.

I mean, I really
did it this time.

Jason's missing,
I'm not kidding.

Jason's gone!

Charles, you are not
putting your time

into this paper,

and my grade
depends upon it.

♪

Well, I was showing the kids
how I disassemble Jason

like I always do.

First, I get the
quarters from the audience.

You do this for money?

I look at it this way:

They're funding my
scientific research.

I look at it this way:

You're giving the money back.

I had my father's permission.

He gave you permission
to take money from

the neighborhood kids?

While he was arguing
with my mother.

Okay.

We have to find Jason.

Why don't you
tell me exactly

how this disappearing act works.

I put Jason in
the black box,

and I twist
a few dials.

Then I allow exactly
nine flashes

of static electricity
to punctuate the air.

The kids get scared.

Jason crawls out
of the back of the box

and into the closet,

and presto!

It's science.

I looked everywhere.

He's gone.

Great.

I always wanted
my own room.

But not this way.

I'm back, Charles.

So am I.

Don't lecture me--

Okay, your parents are home.

I'm going to tell them
and they're gonna help us

look for Jason.

You're gonna tell
'em I turned Jason

into some atomic spray
that's gonna pollute

the atmosphere forever?

You're in big
trouble, Charles.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, I don't believe...

-Charles.
-Hi.

I'm not here
to bother you,

I'm just here
to let you know

that I can handle
this car thing myself.

What car thing?

Good, fine.

I'm glad this isn't
cluttering your mind.

Do a good job
on your paper.

-Thank you.
-But just two questions.

-What's the fuel pump?
-Does it need one?

-It just got one.
-That's good.

-Valve job.
-Just got one?

-It needs one.
-That's bad.

Gwendolyn, if this car
just got a fuel pump

and needs a valve job,

it can't be that good.

Charles...

I don't wanna
sound like a ditz.

But I look great
in this car.

This car goes with me.

My hair, my eyes,
my upholstery.

We all go together.

Gwendolyn, this car
isn't going anywhere.

Do you wanna be that
great-looking girl

that sits and waves
from that broken-down car?

So people will think
you're a little weird.

You get used to it.

I may never find
a car like this again.

If you're lucky.

Gwendolyn, I can't talk
about this any longer.

Jason is missing
and I've gotta find him.

Jason's on the
front lawn playing.

What?

No, Gwendolyn, that's just
a projection of your mind.

Jason is now part
of the ozone layer.

He's keeping us free
from ultraviolet rays.

What were you
doing out there?

Don't worry, I found him!

I didn't wanna
be in the house.

How did you get
back together?

I'm a together guy.

I crawled through the
trap door in the closet

to the, uh, attic.

Went into Lila's room,
out her window,

and down the trellis.

That's a pretty
big disappointment.

I really thought
I was onto something.

Why didn't you want to
be in the house, Jason?

Don't lecture me, Stanley!

Are they still at it?

Look, I'm going
out again.

No, Jason,
it's getting late.

Play inside, okay?

Charles...

If, uh...

you're even thinking
of going with me

to look at this car
because you think

I might be making
the biggest mistake

of my life...

Well, I won't hear of it.

Gwendolyn, I'm going
to do something to you

that I've never
done before.

I'm going to throw
you out of the house.

I do this with
love, Gwendolyn.

I do it because
if I didn't,

you would see me make
a spectacle of myself

and you would hate me.

And I never want you
to hate me, Gwendolyn.

Therefore, goodbye.

I'll see you tomorrow
morning at 8:01.

We'll go look at
the car together.

I'm not going to open the
door anymore, Gwendolyn.

Go home.

Boy, writing this
stuff yourself is tough.

Buddy, you act as if
you've never written

a paper before.

I haven't!

I always copied it
out of the encyclopedia.

And teachers still pass you?

They expect it of me.

Look at the manual
for a change!

Oh, manual shmanual!

Charles, I gotta
get out of the house.

What's the matter, Jason?

Wrong!

It's going on too long.

I don't like it
when they fight.

It scares me.

It'll be all right.

You've heard
them fight before.

But never for this long.

Well, look for it.

It's right there in
the glove compartment.

Oh, good, they're still hot.

Wish me luck.

Lila, maybe they
want some privacy.

Charles, the arc
doesn't last very long.

If I'm gonna have
any chance at all

to get the $31
for the phone bill,

I have to act now.

What arc?

The parental arc.

If you catch parents
at the apex of the arc,

you can get
anything you want.

Don't look at me
like that, Charles.

This stuff is documented.

She's right, if you
catch your parents

in the middle
of an argument,

the world is your oyster.

Your own mother
warned me about this!

Oh, Jill.

I find it hard to believe
that two intelligent people

like Mr. and Mrs. Pembroke

don't know what
they're saying.

She said you
wouldn't eat squash

and you had outgrown
all your pants,

in the same breath.

What does this
have to do

with not putting
oil in your car?

Besides, if I
outgrew my pants,

they were my
pants to outgrow.

It has everything to do with
my putting oil in the car.

Your mother paid
for your pants

out of her grocery
money, right?

That made them
your mother's pants.

Daddy, can I take
some peanut butter

and a couple
thousand dollars

out of your wallet?

Help yourself.

Thank you.

See?

When my parents fight,
it's world class.

Maybe you should
start thinking

of some world class
punishments, Lila.

There were with my parents.

Why should I get punished?

He said I could
take $2,000.

I was only
gonna take $31.

I'm saving him
over $1,900.

I'm having
a problem here.

I mean, your parents
are two terrific people,

and I don't think
it's amusing

that they're feeling
this kind of pain.

Now, they love each other,

and they're fighting,
and they must hate it.

And I don't know
how to help them.

Who are you calling?

I feel guilty about
taking the money.

I'm calling Janet
to tell her

I can't call her anymore.

Write Janet a letter.

It's next to the next
best thing to being there.

You're still scared, Jason?

Uh-huh.

It sounds like they
don't love each other.

Do you love me?

Charles...

Do you love me?

Well, yeah,
I guess, yeah.

Yeah, and I love you, too.

But didn't we
fight last week

when I took you
to the library

and you ran up
and down the aisles

like a maniac?

I wasn't running.

It only looked
like I was running,

but I wasn't running.

If you weren't running,
what were you doing?

Walking very, very fast.

You were running.

-I wasn't!
-You were running.

But I still love you.

And that's the point.

People don't
always agree, Jason.

You and Douglas don't
always agree on everything.

If we did, we'd hardly
ever talk to each other.

It's not healthy
to keep things

bottled up inside of you.

Sometimes it's good
to tell someone

how you feel.

And if you feel angry,

well, then that's
how you feel.

And you shouldn't
try to pretend

that you're happy.

But, you know that
when we fight,

we still love
each other, right?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

And so do your parents.

What's going on?

Well, sir, we were, um...

all kind of
listening to you.

Sort of loud,
we couldn't help it.

Oh, you mean...

when we were fighting?

Yes, I guess you
could call it that.

See, the thing
about fighting is...

if you talk it out,
eventually the fight is over.

Then the fight is over?

Eventually.

In the meantime,
why don't we all

get ready and go out
and get some dinner?

Yeah, we can see
how the whole family

enjoys Willy Wong's.

Oh, can we get
fortune cookies?

You guys wanna
know your fortunes?

Confucius say
little boys

who take money from
neighborhood kids

will give it back.

And young girl will
do chores around house

to pay phone bill.

And good man will
have evening to himself

to get schoolwork done.

Mr. Pembroke, you
knew what was going on?

Charles, Confucius also
say fighting parents

just angry, not stupid.

Finally!

A quiet house for us
to finish our paper.

I can't work like this.

♪

of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge

of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge

of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪