01x15 - Jill's Decision

[bunniefuu]

♪ New boy in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to
take good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days

and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs

and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want, I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days

and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs

and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪♪

"Mop and shine.

The one-step
floor care system

that washes and waxes your
floor in just 30 seconds."

Good, because that's all the
time I have is 30 seconds.

Hi, Michelle.

You know, I would've
asked you out sooner,

but, uh, I figured a
pretty girl like you

has heard every
line in the book.

Oh, well, thank you.

Yes, I guess I do work
out rather strenuously.

Oh, please, Michelle,
you're embarrassing me.

Yeah.

Okay, uh, weightlifting,

football, a
little basketball.

[knocking]

Hey, Charles, what's up?

I'm a little crazed, Buddy.

I've gotta wax this floor.

Then I've gotta do
the grocery shopping,

take the clothes to
the cleaners by 10:30,

go on a date, and get
back here by 12:00.

Who died and made
you Cinderella?

Mrs. Pembroke got
a sudden promotion

and she's swamped with work.

And I've got
to help her out.

Oh gee, Charles,
that doesn't seem fair.

By the way,

do you think a woman's
looks are slightly important,

very important,

or more important
than anything?

What are you talking about?

Never mind, just
answer the question.

I don't know.

Slightly important.

Yeah, but if you answer
the question that way,

you're liable to
end up with someone

that's less than attractive.

-What?
-Oh, nothing.

Nothing.

Charles, I was
just wondering,

is your ideal mate's
income less than yours...

...the same as yours,

or more than yours?

Definitely more,
I want this girl

to be dirty, filthy rich.

"Loveline Computer
Dating Questionnaire."

[laughing]

Buddy, Buddy, Buddy.

I know, I know,
why do you think

I was trying to
hide it from you?

Now you hate me
for this, don't you?

No, don't be ridiculous.

But do you really think,
Buddy, that if you answer

these questions, you'll
get your dream girl?

Yes!

See, I figure if you answer
the questions the right way,

you could end up
with some girl

that's incredibly
rich and beautiful.

Right.

A woman so rich
and so beautiful

that the only way
she could get a man

was to resort to
computer dating.

That's what I'm praying for.

Hey, Charles,
we could get you

a copy and you can find
your dream date too.

No thanks, Buddy.

I've got my dream date.

I'm meeting Michelle Harris
for coffee at 11:00.

And if that goes well,

I'm gonna invite
her out to dinner.

-Michelle Harris?
-Yup.

Now, wait a minute,
she's been dating

Tony Bryant for
a hundred years.

They broke up.

-Ohh...
-Ohh...

I know, I know.

I'm just trying to
help her get over it.

Oh, what a guy.

-See you later, Charles.
-Good luck!

Charles, I've got to dance.

Not on this floor,
you're not.

Come on, out.

You don't understand, Charles,

I don't want to
dance, I have to.

Peter Benedict's having
a party next weekend,

and it's the first time
we're gonna dance with girls.

I don't wanna
look like a jerk.

There's nothing
to it, Douglas.

When you hear the music,
you just, uh, loosen up

and move to the beat.

I've tried that,
I've got two words:

Herman Munster.

Charles!

Guess who I am for
the school play.

Uh...one of the
Smith Brothers?

No, Abe Lincoln.

I'm dead.

I know, John Wilkes Booth.

No, Stewie Johnson.

Oh, who is Stewie Johnson?

He's George Washington.

And?

And every time I say my
line, he makes me laugh.

Mrs. Albright said
if I don't stop,

I can't be Lincoln.

Well, what's so funny?

Okay, I'll try it.

I am Abraham Lincoln.

I was the 16th President
of the United States.

I was in office
during the Civil w*r.

Hark, I think I hear--

[laughing]

I think I hear
the cannons roar.

I don't get it.

-Let's dance!
-Wait a minute.

What's so funny, Abe?

Every time I say,
"Hark, I think I hear

the cannons roar..."

Stewie goes like this.

Now that's funny.

Hey, no fair, huh.

Ever since they made me
Arts and Fashion Editor,

I've been locked
in my room.

I thought promotions
were supposed to be fun.

Well, you guys seem
to be having a ball,

what's so funny?

-Nothing.
-Nothing.

Jason, get up
off the floor,

you'll get your
beard dirty.

We didn't mean to disturb
you, Mrs. Pembroke,

we'll be more quiet.

No, it's okay, I wanted
an excuse to come down

and see everybody.

It feels like I've
been up there working

for a hundred years.

Is that from the play
or did you grow it?

Charles, I realize this
is totally unfair to you

and I'm gonna
make it up to you.

I'm gonna make it
up to all of you.

Will you buy
us a speedboat?

You know exactly
what I mean.

I'd like to be spending
more time with you,

it's just that something
happened to my boss

that made it necessary

for me to get an
immediate promotion.

She means fat, old Mr. Wicky
got so drunk at a restaurant

that he passed out
in his bouillabaisse.

Sweetie, it's not nice
to call somebody fat.

Okay, but you're
the one that said

that three waiters
had to hold hands

and form a circle
around him to give him

the Heimlich maneuver.

Don't you guys have
something better to do,

like picking up the toys
you left in the living room?

But, Mom, we're
still playing.

Come on, Douglas,
we can play G.I. Joe.

I wanna learn
how to dance.

Okay, we can play
G.I. Joe goes on Soul Train.

Is this the cutest thing
a person could wear

for softball or what?

Whoa, you look great.

Well, she should, our company
just came out with this.

It's the Lady Reggie line.

It's terrific.

But, Lila, I thought
you gave up sports

after you bruised your
knees playing field hockey.

Softball's different.

I know this is
gonna sound crazy,

but I think I've
found my sport.

I'm gonna be a real jock.

Mr. Pembroke, do you think
you could watch the boys

while I go to the Lamplight?

Oh, I'm sorry, Charles,

I've got an important
buyer in from out of town

and I gotta spend the
afternoon with him.

Do you think you could
take the boys with you?

-I guess I'll have to.
-Thank you.

♪

Okay, now look, guys,
I need your help.

I don't have much money,

and I want to be
able to take Michelle

to a nice, expensive
restaurant, okay?

I smell a gyp job.

It's not a gyp job, Douglas.

I tell you what,

when we get home, I'll make
you a nice big lunch, deal?

Throw in a couple
of dance steps

and you've got a deal.

Okay.

Jason, can I count on you?

What do I have to do?

When the waiter comes over
and asks you what you want,

you just say,

"Nothing, thank you,
I'm not hungry."

-Okay, deal.
-All right.

Oh, Charles,
I'm sorry I'm late.

Oh, no, that's all right,

Please, sit down.

Michelle, this is Jason
and Douglas Pembroke.

Jason and Douglas,
this is Michelle Harris.

Hi.

I'm really sorry that I
had to bring the children.

Believe me, they
wouldn't be here

if it weren't
absolutely necessary.

Thank you, Charles,
we're fond of you too.

No, Douglas, it's not
that I don't like you.

It's just that I
usually date alone.

Well, not alone.

You can't date alone,

a date is with
another person.

Well, it'd
certainly be a date,

you see if you were
to date--stop it.

Look, don't worry about it.

Besides, it's not
every day that a girl

gets to have coffee with
three handsome gentlemen.

Do you know what you want?

Oh, just coffee
for me, thanks.

-Jason?
-Nothing, thank you,

I'm not hungry.

Douglas?

Nothing, thank you,
I'm not hungry.

Oh, come on, have
a little something.

Okay, I'll have a steak.

Me too.

Can you please
excuse me a second,

I'm gonna use
the ladies room.

Of course.

What are you doing?

You said, "Have a
little something."

I know I said, "Have
a little something,"

but that was to
make it look good.

Do me a favor, just
order orange juice.

You're the boss.

-Charles?
-Hi, Mike.

-You guys ready to order?
-Yeah, we'll have, uh...

Three orange juices
and a coffee, please.

Okay, will that be all?

Don't start any
trouble, all right?

He's ready to snap.

Three orange juices
and one coffee.

Thanks.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Your coffee will be
here in a minute.

Oh, thanks.

You know, Michelle,
I'm really glad

you could come this morning.

I've been wanting
to ask you out

ever since I met you.

Really?

Oh.

Well, I felt
the same way too,

I think I was just too shy
to say anything to you.

Really?

-Coffee?
-Oh, it's for me.

Thanks.

Uh, this is a little awkward.

Look, it's no day at
the beach for us either.

Michelle, let me
make it up to you

by taking you to The Grotto.

It's my favorite
seafood restaurant.

The Grotto, oh, Charles,
that'd be wonderful,

but isn't that
awfully expensive?

Oh, money's no object.

Oh, it sounds wonderful.

Next Saturday, 8:00?

Oh.

Next Saturday, Charles,
I'm sorry but I can't,

I already have plans.

Oh, well how about
the following Saturday?

I'm busy then, too.

Oh, but look, I'd really
like to go with you.

Can we say in three weeks?

Well, I'm kind of hungry,

I don't think I
could wait that long.

Well, would you think
it too forward of me

if we made it for tonight?

Well, I have to take care
of the children tonight

so, uh, that means
I'm stuck at home.

And I'm sure that you
wouldn't want to come

over the house for dinner.

Oh, well, I'd rather
do that than wait

three weeks, wouldn't you?

You know, I think we're going
to have a very nice time.

I think I'm going
to be very sick.

♪

-Hi, Mom.
-Hi!

Mrs. Pembroke, did you
get your work done?

Oh, well for now,

I'm free until Stan and I
have to take his client

to dinner tonight.

Mom, can you fix us lunch?

Sure, I will.

Will you give me
a dance lesson?

I'd love to.

I have a favor to ask, too.

Um, would it be okay
if I had a date over

for dinner tonight?

Absolutely, it's
the least I can do.

-Thanks, Mrs. Pembroke.
-Besides, this'll give me

a chance to play
with the boys.

Okay, Mom.

You can be the tank.

Ooh.

Beep beep.

Beep beep?

Mom, that's a tank.

Yeah, Mom, tanks
don't go "beep beep."

[telephone ringing]

I got it.

Hello?

Yes, she is, hold
on a second, please.

Mrs. Pembroke.

Thanks, Charles.

Hello, yes.

Oh, hi.

The flu?

Yeah, well, I'm sorry
to hear that, but...

Yeah, I know I have
more responsibility now,

but can't they
get someone else?

The mayor's daughter's

getting married
this afternoon.

Well, can't they put it off?

No, of course I'm kidding.

Uh, right,
comes with the job.

Okay, bye.

-Trouble at work?
-Yes.

The reporter who was
supposed to interview

the mayor got sick.

I'm head of the department
so I'm gonna have to go.

But you said you
could be with us.

I know, honey,
but I'll tell you what,

we can be together tomorrow

and we'll do
something special.

That's what she
said yesterday.

Oh, please, guys,
try to understand.

You've got problems and
your mother's got problems.

But when the
going gets tough,

that's when you have
to stick together

to get through it.

What do you say?

We'll do it, Charles.

Until my mom
works things out,

we're gonna stick to you.

♪

What would Michelle
like for dinner?

[fingers snapping]

Hey, slugger!

Boy, it looks like
you had a rough game.

The coach says there's
only two things keeping me

from being a great
softball player.

Oh, well, that's good.

I can't throw
and I can't catch.

That's bad.

Was your hitting okay?

They won't let me hit

after they saw me
throw and catch.

Come on, Lila, it couldn't
have been that bad,

I mean, you're
pretty athletic.

They created a new
position for me.

Deep, deep roving
right field.

Doesn't sound as
busy as third base.

Nine innings of just
standing there yelling,

"Come on, babe,
pitch it in there."

Well, Lila, encouraging
your teammates

is a very important
part of the game.

They can't hear you
when you're yelling

from deep, deep
roving right field.

They can barely see you.

Well, how'd you
get so dirty?

Paula Thackery
had to be a wise guy

and hit one to me.

Please tell me
you got dirty

making a diving catch.

I got dirty crawling under
a car to fetch the ball.

I thought I had it.

I was sure I had it.

I had it all lined up.

It was headed
right for my glove.

And then there must have
been an eclipse or something

'cause everything went dark.

That's possible.

There might have
been an eclipse.

Well, that's what I thought.

But everyone else seemed
to think I closed my eyes.

[doorbell ringing]

Charles, I need your help.

Lila, I want to help you,

but I have to cook this
dinner for Michelle now

so I can't.

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ The love boat ♪♪

Charles, I hit
the motherload!

Brittany Hampton the third.

You got your
computer date already?

This is not just
a date, Charles.

This is a beautiful woman

with roman numerals
after her name.

They might as well
be dollar signs.

Now you and I both know

that women of
every economic class

have told me to get lost.

Just once I wanna hear it
from a really rich girl.

Charles, when can we start
working on my throwing?

Lila...

I want you to pretend

that you're a few
years older, okay?

And a guy you like
invites you over

for a romantic dinner.

'Cause he was impressed with
my throwing and catching?

He liked you even though
you played deep, deep

roving right field.

I should marry this guy.

Maybe not, you see, he
never got the meal cooked

because he was always
interrupted by questions

on hitting and throwing.

Go plan your dinner, Charles.

Thank you, Lila.

You're having someone
to dinner here?

Not just someone...Michelle.

It was the only way
we could get together.

If I'm cooking a
special dinner for you,

what would you want?

Well, I think we need to
face the facts, Charles.

If someone were k*lling the
great chefs of New Jersey,

you would not be in danger.

You're right.

I usually get
compliments like,

"No, that's okay,
I like it runny."

Well, why don't you order
dinner from The Grotto

and get it to go?

She'll love the idea
that you're still

sort of taking her
to dinner there.

Hey, that's not bad,
that could work.

Only I can't get down
there to pick it up.

I have to stay and
watch the children.

Well, tell me
what you want,

I'll pick it up when
I go for Brittany.

Oh, this is great, Buddy,
I really appreciate it.

Okay, it's simple.

I want shrimp c*ck,
cold cracked crab,

broiled lobster,
and cheesecake.

Can you remember that?

Remembering it's easy.

Not eating it's
the hard part.

Don't worry, I'll have
the dinner here on time.

-Thanks, Buddy.
-Okay, Charles,

I'm ready to go
meet the mayor.

Listen, I know it
doesn't make things

any easier for you,
but I'm really sorry

I had to take
this assignment.

Oh, don't worry,
Mrs. Pembroke,

it'll be fine.

I just watched Solid Gold.

There's no hope
for me, is there?

Honey, you're gonna
be a great dancer,

it's in your blood.

When your father was younger,
he was a terrific dancer.

In college, his
nickname was "Feets".

You know why?

Because they're so big?

So fast, the man can move.

When he gets home,
you just yell, "Gator!"

and see what happens.

I gotta go, bye.

You okay, sweetie?

No.

What's wrong?

They're gonna kick me out
of the play for laughing.

Mm.

♪

Want a seat?

♪

I don't understand
what the big deal is

about me laughing.

Didn't Abraham Lincoln
ever laugh?

Oh, honey, of course he did.

Would you like to
work on it with me

and see if we can get
you to stop laughing?

Could we?

First thing tomorrow.

Can't we do it now?

Oh, honey, I know
this promotion

takes up more of my time

and, believe me,
there are certain days

when I resent
having to do it,

but there are
just some times

you don't have a choice.

I promise, we'll work
on the play tomorrow.

I guess if Lincoln has
laughed all these years,

one more day
won't k*ll him.

♪

-Hi, everybody.
-Hi, Mr. Pembroke.

Dad--Gator!

All right!

Wait a minute,
what's going on here?

Will you teach
me how to dance?

Well, Douglas,
I'm not that good.

Come on, Feets, we
know all about you.

Oh.

Well, you know, it's
not easy being a legend

in your own time.

Okay, Douglas.

I'll give you the key
to my dancing success.

You see, I have found
that you can cha-cha

to just about any
record and look good.

Now, Douglas,
can you remember

one, two, cha-cha-cha?

Sure I can remember it here,

but I'm not sure if
I can remember it

under the pressure of being
with the opposite sex.

Commit it to memory, my boy.

One, two, cha-cha-cha...

And the legend
will live on.

You sure this works
with any song, Dad?

I don't want to
look like a jerk.

Observe.

♪ Feel for me, the
way I feel for you ♪

♪

One, two, cha-cha-cha.

One, two, cha-cha-cha.

Come on, Douglas,
cha-cha-cha.

Now turn, cha-cha-cha.

Spin around, cha-cha-cha.

Follow me, cha-cha-cha.

You have fun, cha-cha-Charles.

The legend lives,
cha-cha-cha.

Ladies and gentlemen,
dinner is served.

Bring it right in.

Charles, I want you
to meet Brittany.

-Hi.
-Brittany, Charles.

-Nice to meet you.
-Charles, you've got

to try this computer
dating, it's terrific.

Well, I'm glad to see you
two are getting along.

We were made for each other.

We both lied on
the questionnaire

to meet someone rich.

Ah, you both look great.

We were both expecting to be
taken somewhere expensive.

Seems a shame to
waste the look.

Oh, we're not, we're gonna
go down to the country club,

see if we can sneak
into the dance.

-Enjoy your dinner.
-You too.

Charles, I think I
know the problem.

I throw like a girl.

Now if you could
just take a minute

and show me
how boys throw,

then half of my
problems are over.

Lila, I can't do it now.

Charles, I think I got it!

Listen!

Hark, I hear--

[laughing]

I thought I had it.

One, two, I need you.

One, two, can you help?

One, two--

Stop right there.

Look, guys...

I'm a little nervous about
bringing this girl here

to dinner tonight.

So I need your help.

Lila, I can't teach you
how to throw tonight.

Douglas, I can't teach
you how to dance tonight,

and, Jason, I can't make
you stop laughing tonight.

I'll help you all tomorrow.

Look, please,
promise me tonight,

no interruptions, please.

I promise.

Promise.

Yes, Charles, I will try.

♪

Everything okay?

This is lovely and
it's much more intimate

than a restaurant.

That's what I wanted--
a quiet, intimate dinner.

Charles, wonderful news!

Jason, you promised
me, now out!

This'll only take a second.

And who is this?

-I am Abraham Lincoln.
-Jason...

I was the 16th President
of the United States.

Jason!

I was in office
during the Civil w*r.

Out!

Hark, I think I hear
the cannons roar!

Jason, I to--

You did it!

Hi.

Well, hello,
President Lincoln.

Jason's been having
trouble saying his lines

without laughing,
how did you do it?

Douglas deprogrammed me.

We sat in his closet
and he made the noise

Stewie makes until I
couldn't stand it anymore.

Well, Jase, how'd we do?

You did fine,
Douglas, it worked.

Oh, good, I'm so glad.

I think you're a
little too nervous

about this dancing business.

Oh, are you learning
how to dance?

-Uh huh.
-Ugh, I remember

when I learned,
I was so scared.

But, you know, the only
way to learn is to do it.

You wanna dance now?

-Really?
-He doesn't.

Oh, sure he does.

Yes!

[crashing]

No!

[whistling]

You should've
seen it, Charles,

it was beautiful.

Yes, Lila, it was beautiful.

I know Mom's gonna k*ll me,

but what a throw.

Straight, hard,

almost where I aimed it.

Hi, everybody.

Hi.

[gasping]

What is this?

I broke the planter
with a ball.

Isn't that great considering
how terrible it is?

What is this, some kind
of new reverse psychology

to keep me calm?

I'm sorry.

I'll clean it up,
I'll buy you a new one.

But what happened?

I think it was a screwball.

I'm sorry, Mom.

I was having dinner with
Michelle in the kitchen.

-This is Michelle.
-Hi, Michelle.

Hi, Michelle.

I'm sorry, this wasn't
exactly what I had planned.

This is great!

Since I've been at school,

I haven't heard
this kind of noise

and I missed it.

I'm having a
really good time.

I know what you mean,
I miss it too.

Even things like this.

Oh, believe me,
I want a promotion,

but not until you
kids are older

and don't need me as much.

Daddy and I had a
long talk at dinner,

and I'm gonna ask the
paper for my old job back.

Charles, why don't
you two go on back in

and enjoy your dinner,
we'll get this cleaned up.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, uh, excuse me,
Mr. Pembroke,

I would like Michelle
to continue to have

a really good
time, so, uh...

I was wondering...

While we're eating
in the kitchen...

Do you think you could come
in and make some noise?

♪

and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs

and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days

and our nights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪♪