02x10 - Trade Off

[bunniefuu]

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just
to take good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one
of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
Of our days and our nights ♪

[♪♪]

♪ Charles in charge
Of our wrongs and our rights ♪

♪ And I see, I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
Of our days and our nights ♪

[♪♪]

♪ Charles in charge
Of our wrongs and our rights ♪

♪ And I see, I want, ♪

♪ I want Charles in charge ♪

Whoa...

I've never seen beef
change colors like this.

Hey, Charles!
Things are lookin' good.

This is the most
interesting cheese, Charles.

What do they call it?
- Bologna.

Buddy, what do you mean
"things are looking good?"

Well, I mean I'm getting
the ticket situation

squared away.

Squared away?
No, no.

You told me
you had those tickets.

I do...
almost.

Almost?

You want me to call Lori
and tell her that

we almost have a date?

I'll get the tickets.
It's just that

one of my contacts
fell through. I have others.

Ahh, Buddy, listen to me.
I promised Lori Kendall

that I'd take her
to the Kenny Loggins concert

tomorrow night.

This is not just a date.

This is the Superbowl
of dates.

Lori doesn't go out
with guys

unless they have power,
charisma

or tickets to
the Kenny Loggins concert.

You know, Annette Byrnes
isn't exactly a hedgehog.

Buddy, please,
get those tickets

any way, any how,
just get them, alright?

Charles, just relax!
I'm on top of it.

It's just a phone call away.
- Alright.

Adam, I really need
my typewriter.

I have to finish typing
a 20 page essay.

On what?
- Bartering.

Well, you see,
in the old days

people didn't use money.

They traded
for goods and services

How much longer
will you be hunting and pecking?

I don't know.

Mom says if I don't finish
my book report

she won't take me
to the basketball game

tomorrow night.

Why don't you write it
in longhand?

Because I'll get a better grade
if I turn it in typed.

Well, what kind of grade
will you get

if you don't turn it in?

Probably not as good.

Well, then, write it
in longhand!

That way you can see
one last basketball game

before you flunk.

Good idea, Charles.
- Alright.

Oh yeah, that's fine, David.
That's just fine.

Wait 'til you need me
some day, pal!

I'm very close, Charles.
It's just a phone call away.

Did you call Les Marlin?

When nobody has tickets,
Les always has them.

Charles, Les Marlin
hates me.

I fixed him up
with Shirley Barnes last year

and I told him
that she was a push-over,

so when he tried
to push her over

she knocked him down
and stepped on one of his...

...vital organs.

Look, try bartering with him.

You know, people will give you
what you need if you offer them

what they need.

No, that's what I've
been doing.

I've been offering them money.
- That's not bartering.

Everybody who wants
those tickets offers money.

What tickets?

Oh, hello Mr. Powell.

We're trying to find
four tickets

to the Kenny Loggins concert
but it's sold out.

Oh, who cares?

Now, for the good news.
Admiral Klinefelt is gonna

speak at the Veteran's Club.
- Aw, drat, and we'll be stuck

at the concert.
- Not without tickets.

It's just a phone call away.

Bulldog Klinefelt was my CO
for ten years.

Finest officer the Navy
ever produced.

And to think
I wasn't going to that meeting

tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night?
- yep.

You're not gonna be home
tomorrow night?

[Walter]: No.

Well, who's gonna watch
Sarah and Jamie?

Ellen can handle it.
She is their mother.

No, Mr. Powell. She's taking
Adam to the basketball game.

Looks like you're stuck.
- Oh, Sir...

Listen, I have
a very important date

tomorrow night.

Yeah, well I can't arrange
your schedule.

Work it out, Charles.
Work it out.

Oh yeah? Oh thanks, Alan.

Yeah, you're a real friend.
I'll see you later.

Okay, bye-bye.
- Buddy, you got the tickets!

No!
- Nyah!

I'll tell you, though.
That bartering system

does work. It's brilliant,
Charles.

I'm gonna loan Alan Ross
my stereo

and he's gonna loan us
his van for tomorrow night.

We have a new problem now.

Mr. Powell's going out
tomorrow night.

And somebody's got to stay home
and watch the girls.

Okay, I'll do it.
I'll stay here.

You can't, Buddy!

Will you sit down.
Look, tomorrow night

you and I are taking Lori
and Annette

to the Kenny Loggins concert,
right?

No, not without tickets.

I know that, you were supposed
to have the tickets!

And I'll get them.

They're just a phone call away
but what good are they

if you have to stay here?

It's like talking
to a fire hydrant.

I'm doing the best
that I can.

You told me to barter.
Talk to Mr. Powell.

Barter for your freedom.

Charles, I really need you
to be here tomorrow night.

I promised Adam I'd take him
to the basketball game.

Mrs. Powell, um...

If Adam could
finish his report today,

would you take him
to the game tonight

and stay home
tomorrow night?

Well, I suppose so,
but there's no way

he's gonna finish
that report today.

I think you're dreaming,
Charles.

Okay, Richard,
you can keep your tickets

and for the record,
I never said

you were unscrupulous.

I said you had a screw loose.

Missed it by that much.

Sarah! My old friend.
I'm glad you're here.

I have a great opportunity
for you.

Hey, see that?
I knew you'd be excited.

The thing is,

I wanna take the most
beautiful girl in the world

to the Kenny Loggins concert
tomorrow night.

Charles, I'd love to go!

I worded that badly.
Um...

What I meant to say was...

I want to take Lori Kendall,
the second most beautiful girl

in the world,
to the Kenny Loggins concert

tomorrow night.

Do you have tickets?

Almost. They're just
a phone call away.

It's sold out.
You'll never get tickets.

Why don't you take her
to the synchronized swimming

competition?
- Synchronized swimming?

Are you kidding?

Who likes
synchronized swimming?

I do, I love it.
- Hey, who doesn't?

But seriously, Sarah...

Let's talk about your
golden opportunity.

As you know, I have
a brand new electric typewriter

that I bet your fingers
have been itching to use.

Charles, what do you want?

Well, it's not for me,
Sarah, it's for your

deprived little brother.

You see, he can't go
to the basketball game tonight

unless some kind person
types up his book report

on a brand new,
self-correcting

electronic typewriter.

...with built in back space
and margin release.

What's in it for you?

Practically nothing.

What's in it for me?

Let's barter.
What do you need?

Nothing.

Wait a minute,
there is something.

I'm going to Marcia Trent's
birthday party tonight.

If I could video-tape the
party I'd be very comfortable,

and very popular.

What's stopping you?

Jamie.

She'll never let me
take her video camera

out of this house.

Don't go away.

[knocking]

Jamie, you got a minute?

Oh, sure.
Come on in, Charles.

Maybe you can help me
choose an outfit

for the cheerleaders'
banquet.

No, not enough
of a fashion risk.

Do you have anything
that says

I'm such a nice person
I'm gonna loan my sister

my video camera?

Forget it.

My camera at a party
full of 13 year old girls?

No way, no chance,
no how.

Okay, let's forget loaning.

Let's talk bartering.

As in trade?
- You got it.

All I want right now
is something new

and different to wear.

Well, like, uh,
like what?

Grampa's old navy pea coat.

You mean the one that doesn't
come out of the closet

except on Veterans Day?

Yeah, I know.
He won't let me borrow it.

I tell you what,
if I can talk him into it,

will you loan Sarah
your camera?

Yeah, sure. Okay,
if I get the pea coat,

Sarah gets the camera.
- Deal.

This is working pretty well.

I could use this in my essay.

First, you have to barter
with Grampa.

Oh, that's right.
I wonder what your Grandfather

really wants, now that
Betty Grable's gone.

Okay, Eric.
I don't need your tickets.

And even if I had a sister
I wouldn't give her to you.

Buddy, come on!

You told me you had
those tickets.

You told me that...
Look, call Les Marlin

and make him
some outrageous promises,

okay, Buddy?
Just, ple-e-ase!

Get me those tickets!

Okay, Charles.
I'll go crawling to him

but Les hates me,
and he'll probably

want to k*ll me
in return for the tickets.

If he does,
get the tickets first.

Mr. Powell!
How are you?

I have a question.
How would you feel about

issuing your loving
granddaughter Jamie

your navy pea coat
for one night?

That coat only comes out
of my closet

on Veterans Day.
I'm sorry Charles,

neither a borrower
or a lender be.

Be what?
- Be quiet.

Charles, I'll be back,
with the tickets.

Alright, Mr. Powell,
I'm not talking about

lending or borrowing.
I'm talking about bartering.

There must be something
you need.

Well, let me think.
I'm going out tonight.

If, uh, someone might
wash my car

I might lend Jamie
my pea coat.

Consider it done.

Ah, Sarah!
Warm up your typing fingers

because tonight
you're gonna be

video-taping good old
whatsername's birthday party.

Charles, you're a genius!

Charles, I've finished
writing my report

in longhand
but I can't even read it.

I'll probably get an 'F'.

Adam, how do you feel
about washing

your grandfather's car?

Is that the punishment
for getting an 'F'?

No! That's the way
to get your report typed

on an electric type-writer
by an expert like Sarah.

It's a deal!
- Alright.

This is working out
pretty well.

Everybody's getting
what they want,

and I get Lori Kendall...

if Buddy gets the tickets.

He may be the only
weak link.

Buddy? No,
he's not the weak link.

He's the missing link.

Has anyone seen Adam?
He's supposed to be

working on his report.
- It's all done, Mrs. Powell.

Sarah's gonna type it up
for him.

Well, Sarah, that's really
sweet of you.

Charles, that means
that we can go

to the basketball game
tonight.

Adam, what are you doing
with that bucket?

Getting ready to wash
Grampa's car.

Charles, any luck?
I'm ready to trade.

Oh, Jamie!
Your Grandfather said yes.

You can borrow
his navy pea coat.

Really?
- Yeah.

Thanks, Charles.
And Sarah, if your gonna take

my camera to Marcia's party
I'd better show you

how it works.
- Terrific!

What is going on here?

The bartering system!
A group of people

fulfilling each other's needs.
- Yeah.

Sort of like the Donner party.

Lori, would I invite you
to a concert if I didn't have

the tickets, huh?

Ah, come on!
How could you even ask that?

Charles! Charles!
I got the tickets!

Really?
- I got the tickets.

But Les wants a big favor
in return.

Y-y-yes. Whatever it is,
the answer is yes.

Ah, sorry, Lori.
Um...

Ii'm looking at four tickets
to the, uh, Kenny Loggins

concert. Now, I'll pick you up
Now, I'll pick you up

tomorrow night
at eight o'clock

in a custom-built van.

That's right, when I say
I'll do something it's done.

See you tomorrow.

Buddy, you are a genius!
- I know, I know,

but Les drives a hard bargain,
a very hard bargain.

I'm not sure you're gonna
want to do this favor.

I don't care what it is.
I told her I got the tickets

I can't back out now.
- Okay,

but it's a babysitting job
tonight.

That's my specialty!
I'm great with kids.

I'm not sure you're
gonna want to babysit

this particular kid.
He's a little different.

Look, I don't care
if he's Rosemary's baby.

Where is he?

Just outside.
- Alone?

You can't leave him
out there alone.

Bring the kid in!
- Okay, okay.

You got it.

If that's your date
for tomorrow night

she needs a shave.

No, Charles, this is our
school mascot, Mr. Hobbs.

Tomorrow night
is the homecoming game

between Hawthorne State.

And every year
their fraternity guys

try to kidnap our mascot.

Les's job was
to guard the goat.

He's doing a lousy job.

Charles, Les wanted to go
to a party tonight

so he sold me the tickets
and in return,

all we have to do
is guard his goat.

Now, you wanted to barter.
- Yeah, Buddy.

I wanted you to barter
for tickets

not farm animals.
Don't keep doing that!

Charles, I would think that
one little goat

would be a small price to pay
for a date with Lori Kendall.

Besides, Mr. Hobbs is easy
to take care of.

He eats anything.

Did he eat your mind, Buddy?

[Charles]: That's the problem.
Goats eat everything!

You wanna tell the Powells
that we're keeping

an everything-eating monster
in their home?

Okay, if not in their home,
in their garage.

Besides, you told me
the Powells were going out

and by the time they get back
Les's party will be over

and he will have taken
Mr. Hobbs off our hands.

The Powells haven't left yet.
- They haven't?

No, and Mr. Powell's car
is in the garage.

[sighs] Maybe we could
tie him up in the back yard.

Mr. Powell?
- No, the goat!

[Buddy]: Oh, Charles,
if Hawthorne's fraternity guys

spot him, they'll kidnap him.
- O-o-okay, I'll tell you what,

we'll hide the goat
in your room

until the Powells leave.
- I don't want livestock

in my room!

You want these tickets,
don't you?

[Ellen]: Dad!
Are you about ready?

Dad, are you ready?
- Ready for what?

You're supposed to go
to the market with me,

remember?
-Oh, yeah.

Why don't you get the car
started,

I'll meet you out front.
I'm just gonna get my jacket

out of the closet.
- Here you go, sir!

Charles, what were you doing
in the closet?

Oh, I heard that you
wanted your jacket

so I went and got it
for you.

Oh. Do you mind
if I get my hat?

Here's your hat, sir!

What the hell is going on?

Nothing!

I just heard
that you wanted your jacket

so I figured
you would also want your hat.

You're up to something.

I can feel it in my bones.
You'd better be very careful

because nothing escapes
my attention.

[Charles]:
Adam! Where you goin'?

Well, I'm going to get
a sponge so I can wash

Grampa's car.
- Now?

Yes.
- You wanna wash the car now?

Well, I don't wanna wait
'til the last minute.

That's where I got
into trouble.

That's right.

That's right, but...
when you wash a car,

Adam, you should wait
'til the last minute,

just to make sure
it isn't going to rain.

Charles, there aren't
any clouds.

What are you,
the weather man?

Go in your grandfather's room,
listen to the radio

and get the latest
weather report, okay?

And then you can wash the car.
Go ahead.

Oh, hi Charles!
I got Adam's report all typed.

Oh, that's great.
I'll tell him when I see him.

Goodbye.
- Thanks, Charles.

Pardon me, I need
to get into the closet.

Sarah, if you need something
from the closet

I can get it for you.

That's why your mum
hired me,

to make your life easier.

Now, what can I get you
from the closet.

I was just going to lend you
my binoculars for the concert.

They're in the closet.

Tha-tha-that's very nice
of you, Sarah, but...

I'll get them later.

See, if I got them now
I'd probably lose them

and, you know, I'm just
protecting your property.

Oh. Thank you, Charles.
- Thank you, Sarah!

[Jamie]:
I'll be right back, Sarah.

Practice pointing the camera,
but don't push any buttons.

Hey, Jamie, what's up?
Where you going?

While Sarah's practicing
with the camera

I thought I'd finish
my lunch.

Don't be a fool, Jamie.
- What?

What I mean is...

Your grandfather offered you
his navy pea coat.

I think we should go
to his room right now

and get it
before he changes his mind.

Oh, good idea, Charles.

Yeah, good choice, Jamie.
It's a really nice goat.

...coat!
That calls for a sandwich.

Why don't you go
in the kitchen.

That's what I
was going to do.

Safe.

Someone ate half
of my sandwich.

[together]: I did it.

Both of you?

Well, um, yeah, sure!
Look at the size of that bite.

I mean, you don't think
one of us could have done it

alone, do you?

I think you both
are very strange.

I can't believe this.

I feel like I've been sucked
into a Marx Brothers movie.

Charles, come on.
Let's go into the kitchen

where we can talk about it
privately, okay?

Charles!
- Adam! Hey!

Where you goin'?

It's not going to rain.

Oh, that's nice.

Your sister gave me
your report. It's all typed.

I notice that there are
a couple of mistakes.

Why don't you go upstairs
and show them to her.

Okay.

That's it. We're calling
Les Marlin right now

and I'm telling him
to get his goat outta here.

Don't, Charles.
We're almost there.

Now, think about Lori.
Think about Annette.

Think how grateful they'll be,
then think about the van.

It's no use. I am definitely
gonna get busted, I know it.

Oh, hi, Mr. Powell.

Damn moths,
they ruined my jacket.

Busted for what?

No, sir, that's not
a complete question.

You just can't say
"busted for what"

and expect to get an answer.

No, no, I made a resolution.

You bozos are not gonna
get my goat.

Goat? Wait a minute.
My bedroom door is open.

What the hell are you men
looking for?

[Jamie and Sarah screaming]

I think we just found it.
- Jeez, what the...

Look at this mess!
What happened?

It's a goat!

[Ellen]:
Well, how did it get up here?

um, maybe it's a mountain goat.
You know, these little suckers

can climb anything.

We just walked in
and there it was.

Um, Buddy and I brought
the goat into the house.

[Ellen]: You brought it in?
[Charles]: Mm-hm.

We're guarding him
for the evening.

Can you get the goat
out of here?

Come on, I'll tie him up
in the garage

and then you and I
are gonna talk, Charles.

Come on, Billy.
- No, his name is Mr. Hobbs

How do you know?
- He told me.

You see, I realize now that
bartering is okay for an essay

but this is a family.

Families don't barter,
they share.

Well, don't feel badly,
Charles,

at least you learned something.
- Yeah.

Never let animals
in your house.

Right.
- Mm-hm.

I did and they brought home
a goat.

Excuse me, now that the goat
is safely tied up in the garage

I'm going to go upstairs,
get dressed, do my nails,

have the carpets cleaned
...and burned.

Charles...

Yeah I know.
Look at the bright side.

I just hope Les had the
decency to give us good seats.

Well, he said that they were
the best.

Hey, he wasn't kidding.

Center row, poolside.

Poolside?

That idiot gave us tickets

to the synchronized swimming
competition.

That's it. I'm gonna call Les
and make him trade me these

for concert tickets
or I'm gonna k*ll him.

No, no, Buddy.

No more trading
or bartering or k*lling.

We're gonna do this
with love.

Les? Charles.
Listen...

I would like you to bring
four tickets to the concert

over here right away.

Because if you don't,

you'll never
see your goat again.

That's right.
Have a nice day, Les.

[phone ringing]

Powell residence.

Hey, Annette. What's up?

Yeah, he's right here.
Hold on.

Hi, Annette.

Yeah, sure,
we'll be right down.

Charles, Annette's waiting
for us in the pizza parlor.

So what? We can't go anywhere,
Buddy.

We got a garage full of goat.
- The goat is tied up!

Let's go!
- We can't!

Charles, Lori is with her.

Let's go!
- What about the goat?

Let him get his own date.

♪ Charles in charge
Of our days and our nights ♪

[♪♪]

♪ Charles in charge
Of our wrongs and our rights ♪

♪ And I see, I want, ♪

♪ I want Charles in charge ♪

♪ of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪