(logo clicking)
(gentle dramatic music)
(tense dramatic music)
- Don't move!
Don't move!
Show me your hands. Show them to me!
I'll blow your freaking head off.
Don't believe me? Test me!
Test me!
(dramatic music continues)
- What the hell was that?
- What? What are you talking about?
That's my intimidating to
get the guy to comply voice.
- (chuckles) "Test me, test me,"
and you're spitting everywhere.
You got the crazy eyes.
You sound like a deranged lunatic.
- Yeah, yeah, I want the
guy to think I'm crazy.
You know, like a loose cannon.
You know, that's how Ali beat
Liston. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
See, Ali convinced Liston
that Ali was crazy.
It's a well-known fact
that tough guys are
afraid of crazy people.
- That's stupid. I'll
show you how it's done.
(tense music)
It's not worth it, pal.
Why don't you do yourself
a favor and drop the g*n?
And we'll all walk out
of here nice and easy.
(tense music continues)
- Did you wink at the guy?
- Maybe.
- And what's with the whisper?
Are you here to arrest
him or to turn him on?
Because quite frankly, you're
turning me on. No, no, no.
I mean, are you here to
kiss him or to cuff him?
- I'm trying to show I'm in control.
Like the strong silent
type. Like Clint Eastwood.
- Clint Eastwood? Clint
Eastwood's sexy and alluring.
- Uh, I'm sexy and alluring.
That was my nickname in high
school, "Sexy and Alluring."
- You sure it wasn't
"Crying and Bedwetting?"
- Hey, hey, what are you
two guys still doing here?
We're holding jobs, get on patrol!
(upbeat hip-hop music)
Get into it
Get you on the bed
Yeah get into it, yeah
Get into it, yeah
Get you on the bed
- You know what? Last
week we forgot about it.
Before we do anything else,
beginning of our tour,
we need to buy lottery tickets.
It's like 400 million tonight.
I don't wanna miss it.
- Yeah, I'm kind of tired
of playing the lottery.
- [Taylor] What?
- You never win.
- You're tired? Tired?
Are you tired of possibly buying mansions?
Are you tired of possibly buying yachts?
Are you tired of having
fresh-baked pies brought
to you by beautiful women?
- That's what you do with the money?
- Yeah, that's right.
I'm not ashamed of fresh-baked pies
and my love of fresh-baked pies.
Matter of fact, I would get
fresh-baked pies brought
to me by beautiful women
wearing aprons that say,
"I love to bake pie".
I love pies so much I would
get a pie-shaped swimming pool
just to piss you off and
you couldn't swim in it.
- Okay, first off, that's a circle.
Okay, a lot of swimming
pools are circles, okay?
But that's just a piece
of 400 million dollars
and that's all you're
gonna put it into is pies?
- No, no, no, I mean, I'd
buy stores or something.
You know what?
Those lingerie shops make a lot of money.
I'd buy Victoria's Secrets.
- Oh, you know what? I
always tell you this.
It's not Victoria's Secrets.
It's Victoria's Secret.
There's only one secret.
It's not multiple secrets.
- Well, I would travel too.
- Like to where?
- Well, I would go someplace
exotic. Like Rome or Italy.
- Yeah, that's the same
place. That's the same place.
- Good! I'm saving money,
they're in the same spot.
That's fantastic. Wait, forget about me.
What would you do, big
shot, with your half?
- I have a plan.
- [Taylor] Yeah, what's your plan?
- I would buy a circus and
bring it back to prominence.
- You see, that's the difference
between you and me, Murphy.
I think things through. I use my brain.
You don't think things through.
You have any idea what
it's like to run a circus?
- I don't know, what's the problem?
- What's the problem?
Elephant poop is this big.
You gotta clean that up. It's
the size of bowling ba*ls.
Plus, what if you get
into a fight with a clown?
Now you gotta fire a clown.
They're spooky people, you know?
I don't trust those clowns.
- I wouldn't just be
on the management side.
I'd be part of the show. I'd be talent.
- What talent? What talent
do you got in the circus?
- I'd be like a lion tamer or something.
- Please! Need I remind you,
you're allergic to cats?
- So I'd take an allergy pill
and then I'd go every night.
You know, it's fine.
- Cats don't like you.
- Are you crazy? Cats love me!
- [Taylor] No, they don't.
- Find a cat right now,
I'll make it do something.
Find a cat right now!
(phone vibrating)
(Taylor speaking gibberish)
(phone vibrating)
- Oh, I got a text.
One of our CIs has some
information for us.
"Meet me at the regular spot."
(siren wailing)
(car rumbling)
- Why don't you get in the
car, punk! Taylor, cuff him.
Toss him too. He's probably
got a weapon on him.
It's punks like you that
give the city a bad name.
There's not enough Lysol in all of Midtown
to get your dirty scent off the streets!
You make me sick to my stomach. Ugh!
(car door banging)
- What the hell was that?
- I am so sorry. I read
this book on method acting.
I thought if I really got into it,
I'd make it look more real.
And no one would know
you are a criminal
informant working for us.
I might have gone too far.
- Oh, you think?
- "It's trash like you that
give the city a bad name."
- "There isn't enough Lysol in Midtown
to clean the stench off your dirty deeds."
- I told him to stop
watching "Hill Street Blues".
- Yeah, the reruns still hold up.
- It's just hurtful.
Informants have feelings too.
(car rumbling)
(siren wailing)
Nah, for real though, I
appreciate the ride, fellas.
- Ah, come on man, you're a good guy.
You're just a hardworking stiff tired
of seeing crime in his neighborhood.
- Yeah, I mean, we wish there
were more people like you.
It's very courageous what you're doing.
Besides, we don't look
at you as an informant.
I mean, you're actually a friend.
- Thanks, man. You know,
y'all are all right.
Y'all are all right.
- Oh, oh, oh. All right?
- Just all right?
- [Taylor] Just all right?
- You're not just all
right. You're "aight."
- We're pouring our hearts out
here, giving you compliments.
We go from here to here with just aight?
You know, we're here hugging and kissing.
Now you're getting all fresh.
- Jesus, it is a compliment.
(gentle jazz music)
Lord, let this moment
last for another year
- This is good soothing music.
Tell you what though. Nobody
beats the best, good old Bing.
- Bing Crosby?
- Bing Crosby, my friend. That's right.
Oh, I used to love his crooner voice.
- Me too, me too.
(Murphy scoffing)
What?
- What?
- What do you mean, "What?"
You made a sound when we
said we love Bing Crosby.
You made a sound and you rolled your eyes.
- No I didn't.
- Yeah, you did.
- I didn't do any of that.
- You did. We said we loved Bing Crosby.
You made a sound and you rolled your eyes.
- I didn't.
- You so did.
- [Buzzy] Yeah, you did. I heard it too.
- See, see.
- Yeah, you did, I heard you.
You made a, it was a slight
phlegmy sound like you
were clearing your throat 'cause
you got hair in your mouth.
Like, "Ugh, ugh."
- It was even harsher than that.
Like, he was licking sand off the floor.
Like (imitating gagging).
- Okay none of that
happened, you know, besides,
why don't you stay out of it?
You're just an informant getting a ride.
- Oh, a minute ago I'm a friend.
Now, I'm just an informant getting a ride.
- Okay, I'll be honest. I'm not a fan.
- Why not?
- First off, okay. His name is Bing.
He's a grown man. His name's Bing.
- That's the way they did it in them days.
They went out to Hollywood.
They gave him a nickname.
You know, Bing, he's, you know.
Besides, the guy, he's a legend.
He's an American iclone.
- Wait, what? (laughing)
- What the hell is an iclone?
- You know an clone?
- You mean icon?
- That's what I said, icon.
- You said, "iclone."
- No, I think I said icon.
- (chuckling) You said, "iclone."
- I think I said icon. I
think I know what I said.
- Yeah, you said, "iclone."
- Whose side are you on
anyway? You know what?
Why don't you just sit back there
and stick to ratting people out?
- You know what? I
should have took an Uber.
- You know, besides, I heard
he used to beat his kids.
- What?
- Not only that, he did
it with a bag of oranges
so it didn't leave a mark.
- Really?
- Mm-hm.
- [Buzzy] How you gonna hurt somebody
with a bag of oranges?
- Ah no, it could hurt.
I could see if you put a whole
lot of oranges in a bag.
- You ain't gonna hurt
me with a bag of oranges.
- You put those naval oranges in a bag,
it's gonna really hurt.
I might swing...
- If it's naval.
What kind of sense does that make?
It'd hurt what? A little kid?
It's not gonna hurt me.
- You ain't that tough, Buzzy.
I hit you with a bag of
oranges, you're gonna be hurt.
- You ain't never heard
a heavyweight boxer, say,
"Damn, Tyson hits like a bag of oranges."
- So tough, you're so
tough. You know what?
Here, let's prove it
right now. Pull over here.
There's a fruit stand. Let's try it.
- Yeah, it's a good idea.
- We're gonna do a little test.
- [Taylor] That's a good idea.
- [Murphy] Little test.
- Let's put your money where your mouth.
- Exactly.
(upbeat swing music)
- I think I read in "Psychology Today,"
that magazine, that the temper has to do
with how hard you hit somebody.
- Yeah, he's not trying to knock him out.
He is just trying to punish them.
(car doors banging)
- Yeah, I mean, he's gotta be disciplined.
- You ain't gonna knock
anybody out with a fruit.
- You don't want him knock
him out. He is his dad.
- Just trying to discipline the kid
to teach him how to behave.
- Okay, discipline.
Discipline me with this. Boom.
- Yeah, right, this is
just like a tangerine
or a Clementine or something.
- No, no, no, no, no. Murph, Murph, Murph.
This is what we gotta use.
(Murphy laughing)
- You're not using a banana on me.
You ain't using a banana on me.
- Don't be a baby. It's just a fruit.
- You're a fruit.
- Let's keep it in the citrus family.
- Yeah, that's what, that's okay.
- I got him.
- Now who's paying for this?
- Yeah, throw some money down. Come on.
- Don't be degenerate.
- You know, you're the cheapest.
Not cheap with just fruit.
- All right, come on.
Let's see, let's see.
Hey, yeah. Here, come on.
I'm gonna Bing Crosby you
right now. How about that?
- Think you're a tough guy, right?
- Yeah, yeah. We could take him.
(jaunty upbeat music)
(all chattering)
Wait, stop, don't go
I'm not done loving you
That'll ruin it and I'll
end up hoping it's not true
I better change your mind
Why can't you stay?
- You can't take a brother
out with vitamin C. Ah!
- Okay, all right. Maybe there's
a, we need extra oranges.
We need a little bit.
- Go ahead.
- All right. How about this?
Only two, here's three each.
- Karate man.
- You wanna be a tough guy?
(jaunty upbeat music)
If you go, I might cry
Forever wonder why
So I hope you wake me
up before you leave
(upbeat distorted music)
If you stay, I just might go
(tense distorted music)
I'm not begging
(tense distorted music continues)
- Ah! Okay, okay.
- Police brutality, police brutality!
Police, police brutality!
(all yelling)
(upbeat hip-hop music)
Oh, let's go
- Uh-oh.
(upbeat hip-hop music continues)
I feel like I'm at the
tippy top of my game
Looking down at the rafters
I had to son these boys
Can't leave 'em b*stards
A lot of dudes just
some undercover actors
I don't fall for it
I'm privy to all your tactics
- Two stacked oranges.
Two police officers.
Now that is all the information
that we have on that
but as soon as more
information comes out we'll-
- Orange, you glad you're not
a Black man in America today?
- Police.
- Black men with oranges.
- I mean, what is this?
Some kind of symbol for white supremacy?
- Sure, sounds like it.
- You know these people,
they're getting out of control.
Tiki torches and bags of oranges.
It's like, when is it
gonna end for our country?
- Thank you all for being here today.
My client has had enough
of police harassing him.
This time, they've gone too far.
(upbeat hip-hop music continues)
(reporters yelling)
(cameras clicking)
- Oranges are for eating not beating.
(crowd cheering)
(crowd whistling)
- We can prove that in court.
(crowd cheering)
- The oranges.
Now witnesses also placed
the police officers at the food stand
just down the street,
purchasing these oranges.
- We're not r*cist.
- I know you're not a r*cist,
and you're too stupid to be a r*cist.
I bet you can't even spell r*cist.
- r*cist. R-A-C-Y-S-T, r*cist.
You know, like a cyst on society?
- No, that's not how it's spelled,
and do you even know what a cyst is?
Have you ever even had a cyst?
- No, no. I never had a cyst.
But I saw one on "Dr. Pimple
Popper." You ever see that?
Oh, they're gross.
- Yeah, it's kind of nasty (laughing).
- Oh my God. You ever
see him pop one though?
All the blood, and the ooze,
and the pus comes dripping out.
- It's so gross. It makes me gag.
- Oh my God.
You know, I feel bad for
the guy, but I gotta watch.
- Oh my God, it's like a train
wreck. You can't look away.
You gotta see him-
- Absolutely.
- Everything that's coming
out, you're like, "Oh my God."
- Shut the hell up. You
two guys never shut up.
- Well, I don't think that's true.
- I'm amazing at shutting up.
- I'm a little better at shutting up.
- I'm so better than you.
- I can shut up immediately.
- I can shut up for week.
- I can shut up on a dime.
You want a contest? Okay, count to three.
- I'm gonna count.
- Okay. All right.
No, one, two.
- [Taylor] One, two.
(both chattering)
- Enough! Do you know what?
I hate you two guys.
I mean, you're good cops,
but this is just ridiculous.
The nonstop bantering back and forth.
I've had enough of this.
- All right, you gotta figure,
this is a whole
misunderstanding with Buzzy.
He's just milking it.
- You think I don't know that?
As a representative of the NYPD,
I can't just come out and
say, "This guy's faking it."
After all the sh*t that
we've been through,
all the bad cops across the
country will get off easy.
- So now what?
- I spoke to the commissioner
and this came from One Police Plaza.
You guys are suspended
for 60 days without pay,
pending further investigation.
- Are you serious?
- I'm very serious.
- So what are we gonna do?
- Get him to talk.
- We can't.
With all the guys he helped put away,
if they found out that
he was working with us,
they'd k*ll him.
- Listen guys, you either
give him up or retire.
Either way, there's gonna
be an investigation.
He doesn't care about
you. So just give him up.
- Can't give him up,
Cap. He saved our life.
- Besides, I mean, what is he doing?
Milking the city for some monetary gain?
It's something that
others do all the time.
- They're looking at criminal charges.
- Criminal charges? For what?
Beating a guy with a sack of oranges?
I mean, Bing Crosby used to
do it to his kids all the time
and they all turned out fine.
- Yeah, actually two of
them committed suicide.
- Why the hell didn't
you tell me that before
I picked up the bag of oranges?
- I told you I hated Bing
Crosby. He's nothing but trouble.
- (hand smacking) Crosby.
- Still sure you don't
want to get him to talk?
- We can't. He's a good guy.
We don't hate him.
- Nah, I don't hate him.
But you know who I do hate? Bob Ross.
- Bob Ross the painter?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Why?
- What do you mean, "Why?"
He's always so positive, and upbeat,
and rose-colored glasses.
Are you kidding me? And not for nothing.
I don't even like his
paintings. He's not that good.
I could do much better.
- You couldn't win a
second-grade coloring contest.
- I did win a second grade-
- Guys. Get out.
Get out of my office and
get yourselves a lawyer.
- Yeah, I mean,
I don't want to get ahead
of myself, you know?
But this is the most excited
I've been in a long time.
Yeah, no. 32, uh-huh, yeah.
c*ck waitress.
- [Caller] Does she dance?
- Does she dance?
Yeah, she dances like she has a past
that I don't know about.
- [Caller] That's crazy.
Is she hot or what?
- Uh-uh, yeah, no. Beautiful.
(caller chattering)
Yep, all right. I'll see you
out there in the morning.
All right?
- [Caller] All right.
- Aha. Mistake number one.
Never make a move without
consulting your attorney.
Body language.
How you sit, where you sit,
what you wear, how you wear it.
Everything subconsciously
means something to a jury.
- This guy's good.
- Told you.
- All right Mr. Markowitz we have this-
- Ssh!
Rule number two, never
speak unless spoken to.
It's not what you say, it's
what you're not saying,
and how you say it, and
how you don't say it.
Besides, I know who you
two are. It's everywhere.
You're the two white
cops who allegedly beat
that poor defenseless Black
man with a bag of oranges.
It's everywhere. Of course I saw it.
Everyone saw it.
In fact, just this morning
I told Jenny, my secretary,
I said, "Why not help these
guys out and take the case?"
- Oh, that's great. We
really appreciate it.
'Cause we really don't-
- I'm gonna tell you why not.
Because you're the two
white schmucks caught
on camera beating a poor,
defenseless Black man
with a sack of oranges.
Hello? Is anyone listening?
- So basically you can't help us?
- Help you? Help.
Of course I can help you. You
ever heard of Marvin Matzke?
- No.
- Of course not. Biggest
crook the city's ever seen.
Makes Bernie Madoff look like
he's stole candy from a bodega.
You know, why you never heard of him?
- No.
- Because it never went to trial.
I'm that good. I'm the best.
I'm the only attorney
who could get you two
off on these charges.
I'm your only hope.
- Okay, so you'll help us?
- Hell no (laughing). Again,
with the listening problem.
I'd be nuts to take a case like this.
Everybody hates you guys.
- Well, I mean, I, thanks for your time.
- Thanks for your time, man.
- Listen, I guess we'll go-
- Find somebody else.
- Come back, come back, come back.
I'm gonna hate myself for this. Jenny?
Jenny! sh*t!
- [Jenny] Yes, Mr. Markowitz.
- Jenny, give me three
corn beef on rye, mustard,
extra pickles on the
side from Carnegie Deli.
What do you two want to drink?
- Dr. Pepper?
- Can you see if they
have TaB by any chance?
- We're gonna do two Cokes.
Look, I feel bad not taking the case.
Maybe this helps take the edge off.
Maybe it helps you guys
feel better. You know?
We'll eat, we'll go over the case.
Maybe I give guys got some advice.
- We really appreciate it
'cause we really don't know who to go to.
We have nowhere to turn.
- (muttering) pro bono.
- I will charge you of course.
The sandwiches are a fortune.
(gentle pensive music)
- Can we split a sandwich? Is that-
- I'm not that hungry.
- Yeah, I'm not hungry.
(gentle upbeat music)
Thanks.
- Let's not point the accusing finger
of blame at anyone here.
We have to figure out what we're gonna do.
- Yeah, I know. We're
gonna lose our insurance.
I gotta find a new doctor.
- Oh, please, don't be a baby.
That's the least of our worries.
- Not for me. I love my doctor.
He's the best. He's been
practicing for 30 years.
- Practicing for 30 years?
- Yeah, he's a top guy.
- Can't be the top guy if
he's practicing for 30 years.
He sounds like a dope.
- Why?
- Why? Because if he's practicing,
when's he gonna turn pro?
- No, he's practicing medicine, you moron.
- Yeah, I know what practice is.
He's practicing, practicing.
He's never gonna turn pro.
He's like the backup quarterback
that always practices and
never gets into the game.
- Geez, I hope I'm out
of the line of fire here.
- Hey, Uncle Shamus! How you doing?
- Hey Murph, how are you?
- Good. Good to see you.
- Hey Taylor. Come on, let's sit down.
- Uncle Shamus, the man,
the myth, the legend.
- Hey, how'd you know we were here?
- Are you kidding? You're
all over the internet.
You got hate groups following you around.
(group chanting)
- I hate you.
(group chanting)
- Right on. Right on.
Listen, I gotta talk to you guys.
- Yeah.
- You remember your cousin,
your second cousin, Joanna?
She's in Chicago.
- Yeah, she's great.
- Yeah, you used to play together.
You didn't do nothing else,
did you when you were kids?
- No, no. She's more his type by the way.
- It's second cousin.
You might have freaks, you know,
three lips, five lips,
something like that.
So listen, she has a kid now.
She was messing around with
a bunch of losers, you know?
And then finally some pencil
neck geek gets her pregnant.
She kicks him out.
She don't want to have
nothing to do with him.
And now Lacey is looking
for her father again.
She saw him once. Now
she wants to reconnect.
- Lacey's the kid, right?
- Lacey's the kid, she's-
- [Murphy] How old?
- Well, I don't know, 16,
18, something like that.
- Okay. And where's her dad?
- Vancouver.
- He's in Spain?
- Canada.
- When did they move it?
- Okay. Why doesn't she
just fly to see him?
- She's afraid of flying,
and I can't drive across
country like that no more
'cause of the gout.
- That's what you have, gout?
- Yeah, I got the gout.
- What are you, like an 1854
pirate or something like that?
Bet you have scurvy as well, hey?
"Me gout and me scurvy
are acting up." (laughing)
- It's a real thing and it's painful.
- No, he's right. I heard
of those old diseases.
You know like when
Sergeant Peters, you know,
that email going around
saying that he had the plague?
- That's what you thought the email said?
It said he was getting a plaque. An award.
- Why they giving him an
award for having the plague?
- No. No.
Is that why you didn't wanna
shake his hand at one time?
God, it was so awkward.
- Could have been contagious.
I don't wanna get the plague, or the gout,
or the whooping cough, or the scurvy.
I don't want any of those.
- Yeah but they're old time diseases,
I bet you the new stuff
is way more dangerous.
- [Taylor] Probably is, you know,
because you got computers,
technology that's smarter and-
- Will you two, shut up? Listen to me.
I need you to take my niece
to go see her deadbeat father.
I don't want some soft-serve,
sissy-a*s, snowflake taking her.
You understand? I don't trust that prick.
You will take care of any creep.
You will bust heads, kick some a*s.
We used to use a roll of quarters,
but you got the orange technique.
That works. The oranges,
you know, no bruises.
We didn't care. You care.
So what? I just need you to do this.
Now, you were an ex-boxer weren't you?
- Yeah, had 21 fights.
I won 15, the other six I came in second.
- Yeah, well that's better
than coming in last.
- Okay. Look, Uncle Shamus.
Look man, I know, back in
your day when you were a cop,
it was different.
We're not like that.
I mean, we're just getting
some bad reputation.
We're not those kind of cops
that are going around fighting.
- I'll give you 10 grand.
- But we will. We'll
bust heads if we have to.
We'll bust, yeah, I'll take anybody on.
Yeah, I'll fight that guy right now.
I don't even mind.
- I see a car going by.
(both chattering)
- [Both] 10 grand.
- I'd beat up my mother.
(upbeat rock music)
All right, let ask you a question.
- [Murphy] Yeah.
- If you could be a superhero,
which one would it be?
- I don't know. Maybe like
The Hulk or something.
- The Hulk?
- [Murphy] Yeah.
- Why The Hulk?
- Because he's like super strong.
He lets out his rage, expresses
himself, and he's green.
He's probably Irish.
- [Taylor] You don't wanna be The Hulk.
- [Murphy] Why not?
- Well, first of all, he's
subject to temper tantrums.
He rips all his clothes.
- [Murphy] Okay.
- How you gonna rip all your clothes?
You know how you are about your clothes.
- Okay. He's a scientist,
a brilliant scientist.
He can make more clothes.
You don't think he can design clothes?
- He can design clothes
and rip them again.
Design and rip them again. He's
got no time to fight crime.
- What are you talking about? What, who?
What superhero would you be?
- Me? I'd be one of the courageous ones.
- [Murphy] Okay.
- The ones that fight antisemitism.
You know the Jewish ones?
- Oh, okay. What Jewish
superhero would you be?
- You know Spider-Man? Yeah, or Batman.
- Spider-Man?
- [Taylor] Spider-Man or Batman.
- Batman?
- Yeah, that's right.
- Okay. That's what you
think the names are?
- That's right. That's right.
They came here and they
had to change them.
- Yeah, all right? The female one?
The female one. What's her name?
- The female superhero?
- Yeah.
- [Taylor] Wonder Woman.
- Yeah, Wonder Woman.
- Yeah, Wonder Woman. But
you notice, they're sexist.
That's why they gave her a glass plane
because it's a glass ceiling.
You see the synchrony here?
You see the foreshadowing?
- Let me ask you this.
What is your best pickup line with a girl?
- Best pickup line. One that never fails?
- [Murphy] Yeah.
- Want some money?
- Want some money?
- [Taylor] Yeah, want some money?
- You were asking a girl that?
- Yeah.
- A girl that you like?
- Absolutely.
- "You want some money?"
- That's the one.
- Does she ever say yes?
- If she says yes, I don't go with her.
This way I get that right out of the way.
If she laughs, I know
she has a sense of humor.
And if she says, "No, I
don't want any money."
I'm saying, Good, because
I wouldn't give you any.
That was a test for your
morality. Now let's go to church."
- [Murphy] God.
- [Taylor] That's right.
What's your best pickup line?
- [Murphy] It's easy.
You just start, you go,
"Hey, where are you from?"
- "Where you from?"
- "Where you from?" It's simple.
- "Where you from?" It's simple.
- It's, yeah, you start off like basics.
Like you're building a house.
You wanna build like the foundation first.
- I mean, if simple means boring
and stupid, you nailed it.
- Boring and stupid. "Where you from?"
You get some incredible answers.
"Oh yeah, I'm from Portugal
or something," like.
- Who says they're from Portugal?
- A Portuguese girl will
say she's from Portugal.
- Where did you ever
meet a Portuguese girl?
- At Little Portugal down 29th Street.
- Little Portugal on 29th Street.
- All right, it may not be, okay,
but there's a Portuguese restaurant there.
- So did you go in there?
I bet all the Portugal restaurant
people are from Mexico.
(traffic rumbling)
Tell you two things I
don't like about the NFL.
- [Murphy] Yeah?
- A, they're overpaid.
And 2, they do a dance if
they catch a 10 yard pass.
It's ridiculous. It's
sickening to even watch.
- Okay, I might agree with you there,
but you're going from A to 2.
You can't go from letters to numbers.
It negates the whole argument.
- No, it doesn't. They're numbers.
They correspond numerically.
- No, numerically? Numerically?
No, it's go, A goes B.
You go A, this, B that. You do that.
- Let me do it in a better way.
- Yeah, go, go, go. Yay.
- [Taylor] One.
- Yes. Okay.
- Right. You happy?
- [Murphy] Yeah.
- One, they're overpaying and B,
they do that stupid dance all the time.
- Okay, you did it again.
- [Taylor] Did not!
- Okay, you went from, now that time
you went from numbers to letters.
- It's the same thing.
It's being-
- You stick with one.
You stick to numbers,
you stick with letters.
You go A, B, C, D. You
don't go A, 2, B, C, D.
You don't do any of that stuff.
- How many batteries you have
in a device? Two or three?
- Two or three.
- And what are the batteries?
- Double A, triple A.
- Thank you. End of story.
(upbeat rock music)
Did you ever wanna know?
Did you ever wanna know?
(upbeat rock music continues)
(knuckles rapping)
Hey, is your cousin hot?
- Nope, not at all.
(door banging)
Hey Joanna.
- [Joanna] Hi.
Good to see see you.
- [Murphy] Great to see you.
- Hi.
- Great. This is my partner, Taylor.
- Hi Taylor.
Pleasure to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Welcome.
Ah, I feel so much better
knowing that you guys are on the case.
- Great.
- Lacey is safe and sound.
You know my house actually got
broken into a few weeks ago.
- Oh, what happened?
- You're kidding?
- Yeah, they went upstairs.
They went through my drawers.
They were looking for jewelry I think.
They took a brooch, a family heirloom.
And then they took my underwear.
- Victoria's Secrets,
purple lace lingerie?
- Yes.
Animals.
- Filthy animals.
- How'd you know?
Unfortunately, happens all the time.
(gentle upbeat music)
- Let me go get Lacey's paperwork.
- What the hell is wrong with you?
- What? What are you talking about?
Is it? Oh, gimme a break.
What are you talking about?
Victoria's Secrets? Victoria's Secret.
What are you, the grammar police?
- That does bother me.
But no, you're talking about her panties.
You say, "purple lace."
It's creepy, it's creepy.
- It's not creepy.
I'm showing her that I get in
the mindset of the burglar.
I was a cop! This way she
knows I could protect her.
Hey, do me a favor. Do me a favor.
Switch with me, switch
with me, switch with me.
- But why?
- Well, because I don't want her
to see my Spock ear, you know?
- Your Spock ear?
- Yeah, the pointed ear.
You know I have that.
You know what I'm saying? Okay.
I don't want her to think I'm deformed.
- Stop hitting on my cousin.
- Murphy, why I gotta stop
hitting on your cousin for?
Hey, you know what, she's
a very attractive woman.
What if we end up dating?
What if we end up more than dating?
What if we end up engaged?
Then we get married.
You and I would be family.
Wouldn't you like that?
- No, I would not like that.
- I could be your uncle.
- (chuckling) That's good.
- I can come over on Sundays.
- Funny.
- Take you to the yard.
Throw the ball around.
Pony rides. You love ponies.
Take you to the zoo. That's right.
I'll take you for ice cream.
- Okay.
- I could teach you how to drive a car.
I could play ball with
you on the front lawn.
Come on, big guy.
- (chuckling) Okay, stop.
- What? You're funny.
What? You want a tickle?
- Stop it, stop it!
Hey Lacey, so nice to meet you.
We're excited to go on
this journey with you.
- Hey there, Casey.
- Lacey.
- Lacey. How are you there little lady?
I don't want you to worry about a thing.
We're gonna protect you.
- From what?
- Well, from all the bad people out there.
- What are you gonna do?
Beat them up with oranges?
- I'm here at the scene of the incident
where witnesses say they have saw
two police officers beating one Kyle-
- Yeah, that cuts deep.
- It does hurt.
She's a tough kid.
- Yeah, we're clearly
not connecting with her.
But you know what, I'm
gonna try something.
I've been reading about
this stuff called NLP.
- What's that?
- Neurolinguistic programming.
- Neuro linguine processing.
- Yeah, that's what it is.
It's using computers to make spaghetti.
No, it's neurolinguistic programming.
What it is, is it's
mimicking the way she stands,
her tone of speech, all of
her motions, to get a rapport.
All right? Watch.
When she comes back out, I'm
gonna mimic everything she does
and we're gonna have a connection.
- You're gonna mimic everything she does?
- Yeah.
- I got a 10-year-old nephew.
He mimics everything I do.
It's so annoying, you wanna
smack him in the head.
- That's great.
You wanna smack a
10-year-old kid in the head?
- When it's warranted. Yes, I do.
- All right, I don't think
you're understanding this.
- I don't think you're understanding this.
- Don't start doing-
- Don't start doing that.
- [Both] Stop that. Stop that.
Enough.
(bag thudding)
- See you got your luggage. Bet.
- [Lacey] What?
- I'm just saying,
it kind of sucks going
on a trip with adults.
No cap.
- Huh?
- I mean, low key. This
whole thing's got me shook.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Please don't do that in the car.
- Wow. You really made a connection.
- Murph, thank you so much for doing this.
I sincerely appreciate you.
- Of course.
- [Joanna] You take good care of her?
- Yeah, 100%.
- Promise?
- Yes.
- Okay and I know you're not family,
but thank you so much.
- Ssh, shh.
No need to thank me. It's all
about Lacey and her wellbeing.
You know, not all heroes wear capes.
(gentle upbeat music)
- [Murphy] Yeah, okay.
(gentle upbeat music continues)
- Hi sweetheart.
- Hey Mom.
- You ready for your trip?
- Yeah, I just really don't
know about these guys.
- Oh my God, you're gonna
be just fine. I promise.
- I know, but they're so annoying.
Like I could take a bus.
- Plus, they're family.
They're family. You're gonna be great.
I love you.
- I love you too.
- I'm gonna miss you.
- I'm gonna miss you so much, Mom.
- Call me. Text me.
- I will.
- Every step of the way.
- I promise. Okay.
I love you.
- All right, bye Joanna.
- Thank you. Take good care of her.
- I will.
(birds singing)
Let's get this show on the road, yo.
- No, no.
- You feel me? You want ops?
(birds singing)
- Wow, that NLP stuff really
does work. You were right.
No, no, no, I'm being serious.
Don't go away like that.
Come on, I wanna learn. Teach me.
I'm a blank canvas. Paint me.
- I love you. Ah, be safe.
Call me when you get there.
- [Taylor] I will.
(gentle upbeat music)
(Taylor sneezing)
- [Murphy] Bless you.
- Oh, thanks. Oh, must be these allergies.
They're kicking my a*s today.
- You want some of my pepper?
- You still carry pepper?
- [Murphy] Always.
- You know, pepper makes
you sneeze even worse?
- Yeah, that's what I'm
saying. You lean into it.
Just like build up a tolerance to it.
- I don't think that's how it works.
- Pepper's also anti-inflammatory.
- [Taylor] Pretty sure it's not.
- It helps your complexion.
- Not that I heard.
- [Murphy] And your immune system.
- That doesn't help.
- Okay. Where do you know all this?
- I notice, I hear things.
- [Murphy] You hear things.
- Where do you know it?
- I read things.
- [Taylor] Where'd you read things?
- It was a book.
- [Taylor] A book where?
- It was somebody's kitchen table.
They had a book on pepper.
- Pepper book on a kitchen
table. That's called a menu.
- It, yeah, that's what they're gonna have
on a kitchen table.
They're gonna have a menu.
- I don't know where you read.
(gentle upbeat music continues)
Hey Lace, let me ask you a question.
Wanna get to know you a little better.
What's your favorite music?
Oh, you know what? Do you
have an afterschool job?
Is your mom dating anyone?
- Don't be a d*ck.
- Don't say d*ck in front of the kid.
Class it up. You're better than that.
- What am I supposed to say?
- Say p*nis.
- No, that's weird.
- All right, well say something medical.
Maybe she'll grow up to be a doctor.
You know, like use that as
our curse word. Like spleen.
- [Murphy] Spleen?
- How about appendix? This
way it has d*ck in it.
- Appendix. Well let me try it out.
"You're a total appendix."
- Face isn't an appendix.
- Stop acting like an appendix.
- Yeah, why don't you suck my appendix?
(dashboard bleeping)
- Hey, the check engine light went on.
- [Taylor] Ah, don't
pay attention to that.
They never mean anything.
- Your cheap car rental hookup, oy.
(gentle upbeat music continues)
Hey Lace, let me ask you this.
What is your deal with the flying thing?
What are you afraid of? Is it heights?
- [Taylor] Oh, it's not heights.
She's probably scared of crashing.
- No, no, no. Is it germs?
- It's probably germs, right? It's germs.
- [Taylor] You know
what? She's a teenager.
It's a small bathroom. She's
probably claustrophobic.
- Well, you know, those small bathrooms.
I don't like them either.
But I'll tell you, the
lighting makes me look good.
It makes me look tan.
- [Taylor] You know where the
best bathrooms are on a plane?
- [Murphy] What?
- Front class? I heard
they have showers in them.
- What is front class?
- Front class, where the rich people sit.
- No, that's first class.
- Yeah, and where do the
first class rich people sit?
- In the front of the plane.
- Front class. You're welcome.
- Yeah, well your back
class rental is overheating.
(dashboard bleeping)
- What's happening?
- Nothing. Don't worry about
it, don't worry about it.
- [Taylor] We got it.
We'll take care of it.
It's smoking, I better pull
over. Yeah, let me pull over.
We'll take care of it.
(birds tweeting)
(car rumbling)
(engine hissing)
I think I see the problem, Murph.
- What is it?
- [Taylor] Well, right underneath,
you got a small pinhole
in the radiator hose.
- [Murphy] Okay, so what's the plan?
- [Taylor] Well, I don't know.
We're about 20 miles away
from the next station.
We need a new hose.
- Oy.
- I mean, you know, we can risk it.
I don't think it's gonna make it though.
We could let it cool down for
a little while and try it.
(traffic rumbling)
(birds singing)
- Hey Lace, let me ask you something.
Come on, what's your deal about flying?
Are you afraid some guy's
gonna bother you or something?
- Because if that's the case,
all you gotta do is karate the guy.
- Karate the guy?
- Yeah, ha!
- Karate's not a verb. You use karate.
You don't karate someone.
- Yeah, you use it to
karate the guy. Ha, ha!
You like Jackie Chan him. Whoo-ha!
- Okay, whoa.
Were you being serious when you said
you had pepper in your pocket?
- Yeah, I always have
pepper. Why, are you hungry?
I'm not sure the pepper's
gonna help, but I got it.
- Well, give her some.
Maybe, you know she's hungry.
Maybe that's what kids eat these days.
- Oh wait, wait, wait. Is
this a TikTok challenge?
Is this the pepper challenge?
- Yeah, because if that's it, I'm in.
- [Murphy] I'm totally
in. I'll do it right now.
- No, no, no. Okay.
It's for the radiator hose.
- What up social spam.
Today I'm going to teach you
how to fix your leaky radiator
with items you might even
find just in your kitchen.
To be fair, one of them's
gonna be real expensive.
- [Murphy] (laughing)
Told you it would come
in handy one day.
- I gotta admit, you were right.
Lacey, you are a TikTok genie.
- Genius.
- Genius. Way to save
the day, little lady.
(gentle pensive music)
- I'm not scared of flying.
I just, I figured he'd come see me.
All my friends at school
talk about their dads.
God, even the kids with divorced
parents get to see them.
But my dad hasn't come
to see me since I was a literal child.
I just, I'd really like
to get to know him.
Let him get to know me.
Like do father daughter things.
I just, I thought if I said
I was scared of flying,
maybe he'd come down to see me.
(gentle pensive music continues)
- [Taylor] (indistinct).
That's it, I'm driving there right now.
- I love the energy, but
it's probably impossible.
We still have to stop at a mechanic.
- After the mechanic, I'm
driving as fast as I can.
We're getting there after the mechanic.
- It's gonna probably be
tomorrow, unfortunately.
- Tomorrow after we get
a good night's sleep,
after the mechanic,
driving straight through.
We're getting you right there,
Lacey. We are Team Lacey.
- 100%.
- Thank you guys.
- Of course. Of course.
- That's right.
- We're friends. We're helping you out.
Come on.
- We are-
(both singing)
Team Lacey
On the highway
We're driving to her dad
We're getting Lacey there
(gentle pensive music continues)
(upbeat music)
- Well there's just a puncture
in the radiator hose so.
Did you do the pepper thing?
- Yeah.
- [Mechanic] It works, right?
- Got us here.
- Yeah, well I'll be done
in an hour and a half so.
- God, she's so freaking hot.
- Hmm. Yeah.
- I think she's Korean.
You know, Korean girls are the
hottest of all the Chinese.
- That is so r*cist.
- How's that r*cist? I said she's hot.
I gave her a compliment.
It's like I'm sitting
here "objectivising" her.
- Objectifying her. Yeah,
dude, it's super r*cist.
- You know what? I think
you are the r*cist.
- What are you talking about?
Korea and China are two different places.
- There you go. You're
separating them again.
- Next thing you're gonna tell me,
they should have their own countries.
- They do have their own country.
- [Taylor] Yeah?
- And there's even North
Korea and South Korea.
- There you go. Exactly
what I'm talking about.
North, south, north, south, north, south.
Just like the Civil
w*r. I got news for you.
We already fought the Civil
w*r and your side lost.
- [Murphy] My side lost.
- That's right. You're the r*cist.
So why don't you grab
yourself a white sheet,
and just saunter yourself
down to the next n*zi rally,
and have yourself a ball.
- First off, just to be clear,
the white sheet is the KKK.
Hugo Boss is the n*zi rally.
- Well, it would take
a r*cist to know that.
Hey, tell you what, I'm
gonna do you a favor. Okay?
I'm gonna hypnotize you,
and when I snap my fingers,
you're gonna forget
you were ever a r*cist.
- I was never a r*cist.
- There you go.
- You can't do that. I wasn't
a r*cist to begin with.
- You're welcome.
- I'm not a r*cist.
- You're fixed.
(radio music playing)
(door banging)
- Hey Taylor.
- Yeah?
- If she's getting that bed
and there's only one other bed.
- Looks like it's your lucky day.
Or should I say lucky night?
(both laughing)
Come lover.
- (laughing) Not happening.
- What's wrong? You h*m*?
- I'm not h*m*.
- Yeah, no.
According to the American
Psychiatric Association,
the more men protest that
they're not h*m*,
means they're actually
hiding h*m* tendencies.
- I'm not protesting and I'm
not h*m*. I love men.
- Wow. You think you know a guy?
- I'm just saying I'm not protesting.
I simply can't sleep well
unless I'm sleeping on lavender-scented,
handpicked Egyptian cotton
5,000 thread count sheets.
- Not helping your case.
- How do you know your
sheets are 5,000 threads?
What do you count them?
- Don't be ridiculous. You
can't count the sheets.
Come on (laughing).
You count a small section
and then multiply it by
the square footage and
see if you come up short.
A lot of them are mislabeled.
- What about satin?
Can you sleep on satin?
- No, no, no. You slide right off.
- Cotton?
- You want me to sweat all night?
- Silk.
- Silk comes from a worm's butt hole.
I don't want anything
coming from any butt hole.
- h*m*.
- I'm not h*m*.
- Hey, what are you whining so much about?
You get to sleep with me.
I have to sleep with you.
I'm the victim here.
- [Murphy] Yeah, you
probably snore all night.
- I don't snore.
- How do you know?
- Because I never heard myself.
- You'd be sleeping through it.
- That's my point.
If I heard myself snoring,
I would've woken up when I was sleeping.
So I never woke up when I was
snoring, when I was sleeping,
I know I don't snore.
- All right, ssh.
- Hey, you know what I don't get?
- What?
- What kind of deadbeat
father doesn't want
to hang out with their daughter?
- Especially a smart one like that.
- I know. You know, she
really saved the day earlier.
- No, I kind of helped save the
day with the pepper packets.
- No, actually she
saved it with the video.
- Mm. All right, let's
just call it a team effort.
(both laughing)
You know, if I had a daughter,
I'd want one like her.
- Oh yeah. You know, she so
reminds me of my daughter.
- [Murphy] You don't have a daughter.
- [Taylor] Well, in my head,
you know my imaginary one,
if I did have one, I want
her to be just like her.
- [Murphy] Okay.
- You know what I mean?
Yeah, it's been a long day.
Let's get some sleep, baby.
- (laughing) Stop. No,
come on, come on back.
Don't touch me.
- I brought coconut oil.
We could play Polynesian-
- Don't touch me.
- Luau.
- Polynesian luau?
- Yeah.
- [Murphy] I'm calling the cops.
- Come back.
(Taylor snoring)
(Taylor snoring continues)
(Taylor yawning)
(traffic rumbling)
- Hey Lacey, couldn't you just
like do a Zoom with your dad?
- What?
- Couldn't you just do
like a Zoom with your dad?
- I haven't seen him for
like most of my life.
- I'm just worried about
this whole customs thing.
- You know, we should have
taken a train into Vancouver.
- There's still customs on the train.
- Yeah, but it's moving forward,
and with the time zone, it
would've been right through.
- No, no, I, what I think is that we have
to be like super pro-Canada.
When he or she comes in,
like we're super into
Canadian stuff, you know.
- Why don't I try that like BLT stuff?
- NLP, and yeah, maybe.
- Oh, here he comes.
(door banging)
(footsteps tapping)
(knuckles cracking)
- Bonjour (speaking French).
Monsieur, Mademoiselle.
- We don't speak Canadian.
- It, ssh, we're Americans.
- American. I speak English as well.
What is the nature of your visit?
- Well, we are here for the
Big Moose Convention, A.
And 2, how long do you
think this is gonna take?
- You know, if you're looking
to get some maple syrup, I may have a guy.
- It's true. He's got a guy.
And you could take as much
home to your igloo as you want.
- Hey, you see that
hockey game last night?
You see the Canadians beat
the Vancouver Stick Pucks?
- Oh my God. Okay, here's
my birth certificate.
This is all the information that you need.
- Mm.
(tense suspenseful music)
(tense suspenseful music continues)
(tense suspenseful music continues)
(tense suspenseful music continues)
(tense suspenseful music continues)
(tense suspenseful music continues)
Here you go, this for you.
(tense suspenseful music continues)
Welcome to Canada.
- Hey. Yay!
(all laughing)
- Close one, right? I think
it was the maple syrup thing.
- [Taylor] It probably was.
(upbeat cheerful music)
(egg sizzling)
- They got a lot of good stuff here.
Want a burger or something, kiddo?
- I'm a pescatarian.
- I didn't know you were religious.
- It's not a religion. She
just can't eat a burger.
- Oh, what do you like?
You go to hell or something
if you eat a burger?
- It's not a religion.
- It just, it means I only eat fish.
- Oh, what is that like
part of a cult or something?
You gotta shave your head, join a g*ng,
get a tattoo, a piercing?
- No, it's not a cult. Aye ye ye.
- [Waitress] Hey guys-.
- Okay, it's not a cult.
- Welcome to the deli.
What can I get you started
with today? Some drinks?
- I'll have a lemonade.
- [Waitress] Okay.
- Water.
- [Waitress] Awesome.
- Do you have TaB in Canada?
- No, I don't know what that is.
- Okay, I'll just take a Canada Dry.
- Oh, we don't have that either, sorry.
- You don't have Canada Dry in Canada?
- No.
- Okay. I'll just take a Diet Coke.
- Okay.
- Hey, where are you from?
- Here.
- I know a lot of people from here.
- Oh yeah. Who?
- Well, that guy.
(tense foreboding music)
(people chattering)
- Uh-huh.
- Hey, I just want to
pay you a compliment.
Your hair is really beautiful
and God, your nail polish.
It really pops. Great color.
- Oh my gosh, thank you.
I just got them done.
Thanks so much. Okay, I'll be right out.
- Really? Really?
What the hell was that?
- I was giving her a compliment.
It's called flirting.
- Yeah, flirting in a g*y bar.
Your hair looks really good,
your nails they really pop.
Why don't you just ask
her to try her shoes on?
- (laughing) You know what,
like I give off a g*y vibe.
Come on. All right.
- You kind of do.
You kind of do.
- No, not at all.
Have you seen the girls I date?
I'm gonna show you a picture
of my ex-girlfriend. Hang on.
Girls I date. Yeah, this
is my ex-girlfriend.
(people chattering)
- She's hot.
- Why did your voice go up on "hot"?
- I mean she's hot.
- You did it again.
Looks like you can't believe
I could date somebody like this.
- Well, all she's saying is she's hot
for someone, you know, like you.
- Oh my God, that is so insulting.
- How is that insulting?
It's a compliment.
All I'm saying is that for somebody
with your limited dating
capabilities, she's hot for you.
- Oh my God. You know what?
I am so sick of you riding my butt.
Every single day you're on
my butt. You just look at-
- Guys, here's the drinks. Coke for you.
Lemonade, water.
I just think it's great
what you two are doing.
- But what are we doing?
- You know, same sex
marriage can be difficult,
but also raising a kid,
I mean, good for you.
So courageous. Love is love, right?
- Okay, timeout. Wait, no, I'm not g*y.
And he's not my husband.
And she's not my daughter.
And by the way, if I was g*y,
I think I could do a
little better than him.
- Wait, what? I'm not your kid?
Daddy, I love you. How could
you even say that to me?
- You b*stard. How dare you?
It's one thing to be ashamed of us,
but to denigrate your own child?
You coward. You disgust me.
- They're joking.
- Oh so we're just a big joke to you now.
- It wasn't a joke last night
when we were hanging out in the hot tub,
drinking champagne coolies and
belting out Lady Gaga songs.
- Okay, they're just kidding around.
They're trying to embarrass me.
(Lacey sobbing)
- Oh, embarrass you.
We're an embarrassment.
- Explain this.
- It's okay sweetheart. It's okay.
I'll make an appointment with
Dr. Ginsburg in the morning,
and we'll work out some
things in family therapy.
It's okay.
- I am so sorry.
Can I get you some ice cream
or something to cheer you up, honey?
- That would be really nice. Thank you.
- Of course. Yeah.
- Oh, excuse me, excuse me.
She's been through so much.
Do you think maybe a piece
of pie would also help?
- Absolutely. It's on
the house, no worries.
- [Lacey] Thank you.
- I hate you both. You're both dead to me.
- Fine. You don't get any of our pie.
- Don't want any of your stupid pie.
(gentle upbeat music)
- [Taylor] Let me, you know what?
Let me let look up Google
Translator on the Google.
- No, they speak English.
They have a couple of
different words but then you-
- What words do they
have that are different?
- All right, so they have, "sorry." Okay?
- [Taylor] All right.
- They have "aboot" instead of "about."
They have "out."
And then they say, "Eh."
- [Taylor] I bet there's a
lot of car accidents up here
driving on the wrong side of the road
and not knowing how to spell.
- [Lacey] We're all going
with the flow of traffic.
How would we be on the wrong side?
- Thank you.
He doesn't know what he's talking "aboot."
- Aboot.
- Yeah, I know what I'm talking "aboot."
You don't think your
mother's gonna go for me?
- [Lacey] Are you serious?
- [Taylor] Oh, I think
we'd be a cute couple.
- Oh, come on. Not with that Spock ear.
- (laughing) Lacey, God
dang. You're getting good.
Wow. Lacey.
- Wow.
- (laughing) This is fantastic.
- This is all I've been listening to
for the, wait, how long
have we been driving?
Like 12 hours at this point.
- You know, 12 hours is a little
different in Canada though,
because of the kilometers.
- There's kilometers, yeah.
- Oh right, of course, yeah.
So like you're just doing whatever you can
to talk to my Mom and
it's not gonna happen.
- [Taylor] That hurts, eh?
- Oh, you actually got it.
I feel like that, you got it right. Good.
- And two, I'm not-
- Ah you ruined it!
Yeah, you've ruined it. God!
- So close.
- So close.
(upbeat pop music)
(car door banging)
- Oh Lacey, Lacey, Lacey,
come here for a second.
I know you're anxious to see your dad.
I know you want to get up there, I know,
but I just wanna tell you
something real quick all right?.
- Can this wait?
- Well just gimme a second.
Just gimme a second.
All right. Did you ever hear
this fighter Jerry Quarry?
- No.
- Well, Jerry Quarry was
this real popular fighter
in the '60s and '70s, all right.
He ended up getting hurt, getting,
you know, getting like punch drunk.
It's called pugilistic dementia.
It's when you slow your words
a lot, and you forget things,
and you sound real stupid.
You understand. You get what I'm saying?
- Yep. I can imagine that.
- Okay.
So the reason that he got that way was
because he wanted to be
heavyweight champion so bad,
and he knew he was getting hurt,
but he lied to himself
to get what he wanted.
Okay, he kept making a story in his head.
"I can be that champ. I
can do it, I can get it."
He was lying to himself,
ignoring all the signals.
He ignored all the signals.
Now you understand what I'm saying?
- Yeah, yeah, it's a good
story. It's a good story.
Okay, but you guys, seriously,
you're gonna love him.
He is so cool.
And he said he was gonna get
me a brand new pink Tesla
for when I go to college.
And he wants me to study
business just like he did.
Which, duh. And I just, I know,
I know he wanted to visit.
He was going to visit.
It's just, he's literally swamped changing
the infrastructure of
crypto and like, he's a CEO.
So he is a big deal.
And like he's needed
literally like everywhere.
So I don't hold it against him at all.
And I just, oh, I can't wait to see him.
And oh my God. This mansion is so sigma.
Oh, this is gonna be so cool.
- What's sigma?
What is that like a
sorority thing or something?
- I have no idea.
- Why don't you check your
OPP book, see what it says.
- NLP. There's no book and
that's not what it is at all.
- Well, it clearly did not work.
- I just don't want Lacey to get hurt.
- Yeah, me neither.
(gentle pensive music)
(birds singing)
(doorbell ringing)
(soaring opera music)
(footsteps tapping)
(doorbell ringing)
(soaring opera music continues)
(doorbell ringing)
(soaring opera music continues)
- Welcome to the little
chateau, Honey Bear.
Oh (chuckling), oh my gosh what happened?
Look at you! Beautiful.
Gentlemen (chuckling).
Look at you. Look at you (chuckling).
Ha!
- Oh!
(both laughing)
Well.
- Yes.
Gentlemen, thank you so much
for bringing my little girl to me.
- I'm so happy to
finally be here with you.
- Honey Bear, we have
so much to catch up on.
- Great place here, Brad.
- Yeah, let me take you
on the tour. Get the door.
- What am I, his butler?
Hey Murph, Murph.
- Yeah.
- What's with that hug?
- I don't know. Is that like
a Canadian thing or something?
- Little awkward, right?
Let me ask you a question.
- Yeah.
- A little sketchy to you?
- Yeah, cop instincts are kicking in.
- Yeah, this place is freaking huge.
- Yeah.
- Look at all this artwork.
Place looks like one of the 16 chapels.
- Yeah.
(upbeat hip-hop music)
- Ah, these are such a hassle.
These stairs are getting ripped out.
Next month we're putting in an escalator.
- Escalator?
- Hey, you like the banister?
That's endangered rosewood right there.
- [Lacey] Wow.
- [Brad] Had it shipped in.
- Place is huge.
All these stairs.
Hey, if I lived here,
don't you think my a*s
would look great?
- I don't think about your a*s.
I'm gonna get lost, wait for me.
I need an Uber to follow you guys.
- This is one of my favorite
bathrooms in the house.
Vaulted ceilings, couple of chandeliers.
And you're not gonna find artwork like
that in your typical
Howard Johnson bathroom.
Speaking of Johnson, this is
where we hang out, right here.
Look at this baby. Black onyx.
Bro, this is what I call, yes.
- I'll have to poop in
here before we leave.
- Yeah, you drop a deuce in there,
you know you've done something.
Yeah, you guys familiar
with Gainsborough, right?
You fans, Gainsborough fans?
- Yeah, of course.
- So you know The Blue Boy,
right? Huntington's got that.
But I got The Blue Boy's
baby brother right there.
Bouncing Baby Blue Boy right there.
- Did he say Blue ba*ls?
- Yeah, no, Blue Boy.
- Hey Brad, Brad, Brad? That dog.
Is that the same author
that painted the one
with all the dogs playing poker?
(upbeat hip-hop music continues)
- This is the gold kitchen.
Now you know, people born
with a silver spoon in their mouth?
Yeah, those are the poor
people. Here, take one of those.
Take one. Take one with you.
There you go.
(upbeat hip-hop music continues)
- Obviously he doesn't
want anyone stealing it.
- What so he glued it down?
- Oh, apparently that's
how rich people do it.
- Gonna keep this?
- Keep it. It's my pocket.
(upbeat hip-hop music continues)
- This is it. Yeah.
Now I know it doesn't look that big,
but it's a lot deeper than it looks.
That's a one of a kind right there.
(upbeat hip-hop music continues)
Ah, that's great. Yeah, fellas
and this is the ballroom.
What do you think of that?
(laughing) Have a seat guys.
Make yourselves at home.
- This for sitting or showing?
- Sitting.
If it's good enough for the Queen's a*s,
it's good enough for yours, right.
(laughing) So what'd
you think? Right, right.
I'm tearing all that crap
down. I don't like it.
This is my new baby right
here. A few of them.
Well first off, the Jackson Pollock,
I basically stole it from Christie's.
It was just a little shy of $6 million.
I mean, it's like they're giving it to me.
And the Monet.
Monet's gonna have to go someplace else
'cause it doesn't go with everything else.
But that's my baby right
there, the Basquiat.
Ah, you like Basquiat? You like Basquiat?
- How much is that painting? Basquiat?
- Should be 100 million. I got it for 98.
Don't tell anyone.
- $98 million?
- But I'm thinking somewhere in this room.
I tear this crap off the walls now.
I'm kind of tired of it now.
And I need that kind of big
Basquiat energy in here.
- Is it like a side job or
something like that for you Brad?
- No, it's just a hobby.
- [Murphy] Expensive hobby.
- Ah, well, sue me.
I like to spend my money
on beautiful things.
Oh, speaking of which, I got
a little somebody for you.
(laughing) Honey Bear-
- God, Dad.
- meet Honey Bear.
- Thank you so much.
(phone ringing hip-hop music)
- Sorry.
- [Caller 2] Hey.
- Oh.
(caller chattering)
- All these millions of dollars,
can't put out cheese and crackers.
- [Brad] Yep, you can relax.
- Would you shut up?
Just sit like a normal person.
Why can't you just sit?
(caller shouting)
- I'm gonna wire it to you
from the crypto account.
(caller shouting)
No need for language like that.
- [Caller 2] Get my money.
- Look, I promise you-
- [Caller 2] $3 million.
- End of day today,
you'll have your money.
Tell you, okay.
(caller shouting)
Can you hold on for just a second?
(caller shouting)
Hey Honey Bear, Daddy's gotta
do a little adulting today.
So why don't you three
Musketeers, go back,
and enjoy the amenities at the hotel?
Get a good rest and we're gonna have
a great daddy-daughter day
tomorrow, okay, all right?
- Yes.
- [Brad] I'll see you
guys then. All right.
Do you know the way,
right? Yeah, I'm back.
That was my daughter.
- [Taylor] Wow. This is nice.
- Yeah. Not bad, not bad.
Maybe they got better
hotel rooms in Canada.
- Ah, I guess we're moving
up in the world, huh?
Oh, look at this. It's
got its own room here
and Lace, you got your own
bedroom there in the back, huh?
- Yeah, oh man. I can't
remember if I packed tampons.
- Why? What do you got your girly thing?
- Yeah, your monthly visitor.
- You mean a period?
- Oh, la-la-la-la.
- Oh, whoa!
- Oh my God.
I didn't realize I was traveling
with kindergartners, so I'll keep looking.
- Hey Taylor, let me ask you a question.
This guy Brad, seems sketchy, right?
- Oh my God, he's totally sketchy.
- Yeah, so seriously, what was
with that phone call, right?
You can hear the guy screaming
on the other end a mile away.
- Yeah, and the guy's a gazillionaire,
and yet he buys most
uncomfortable furniture.
- Right and the green color scheme.
I mean, who does a
green color scheme? Ugh.
- Guys, stop it.
You're just jealous he's
just really successful.
You wouldn't understand.
- Tell you what I do understand.
A father should spend more
time with his daughter.
Something just doesn't seem
right about the whole thing.
- Obvs he's just super busy, I guess.
- Well, there's only one
way to know for sure.
I got this friend in New York,
she could do a reading on him.
Yeah, you know, like pick up
a vibe. She's a psychotic.
Yeah, you know, she sees into the future.
- That's not what it is.
I think the word you're
looking for is "psychic."
- Well, yeah, it's the
elongation of the word. You know?
I'll prove it. Hmm.
- Do you have her on speed dial?
- Yeah (laughing).
(phone ringing)
Yeah, hey Madam Zelda, how you
doing? Yeah, it's me, Taylor.
I'm just gonna put you on
speaker for a second. All right?
Let me ask you a question.
Aren't you psychotic?
(traffic rumbling)
(birds singing)
(footsteps tapping)
(tense suspenseful music)
Damn, he forgot to close the door.
(tense suspenseful music continues)
- Dad?
(tense suspenseful music continues)
- Hey Brad.
(tense suspenseful music continues)
- Yo, Brad (whistling).
(tense suspenseful music continues)
- [Murphy] What kind of whistle was that?
- I told you not to
make fun of my whistle.
- Okay, yeah. Little baby whistle.
- Your face is a baby whistle.
- This is serious. There's
clearly something wrong.
Can you both just like
take something seriously
for a second?
- It's just some things are
messed up. He's probably fine.
He's probably upstairs.
- The doors are open. That's knocked over.
There's clearly something wrong. Dad?
He's not answering.
- Hey Brad?
- Maybe he's in the bathroom. Hey Brad?
Go check upstairs.
- He's not in the bathroom. Daddy?
(tense foreboding music)
Dad?
(tense foreboding music continues)
Dad?
(tense foreboding music continues)
Dad?
(footsteps tapping)
(tense foreboding music continues)
No, no, no, no, no.
He's not here. He's not here.
There's something wrong.
- All right, all right. I'm
sure there's a reason for it.
- What reason? The paintings are gone.
Look at this.
(tense foreboding music continues)
My God, look at all the stuff they took.
I'll check back upstairs.
- Out of all the things to take,
they take the ugliest,
most uncomfortable couch?
- Well a queen sat on it.
(tense dramatic music)
- Freeze!
- Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
- [Murphy] You see? Now
that's intimidating.
Hey, you guys come here on horses?
- Okay. How did you end
up at Antonov's house?
- So, okay, so, Murphy is my uncle.
- Tell me about the paintings.
- Do I like paintings?
- Oh, I didn't take of the
paintings. None of us did.
- Yeah, I happen to be
quite the artist myself.
- Really?
- Yeah, I won a second-grade
painting contest.
- What did you paint? A little Monet or?
- What would I paint money for?
I don't have to paint the
money. I got money in my pocket.
- How well do you know your dad?
- You know what?
Your interrogation would go better
if I had two things in front of me.
Coff-ee. Coffee.
- And the last time I
saw him in person was...
God, yeah, when I was like six.
- You know what, I'm sitting
here talking this whole time,
you didn't give me anything to drink.
You don't have like a Canada
Dry or something like that?
- No.
- You don't have Canada Dry?
This is the second place
I've asked and nobody has it?
- No.
- Is that not a thing?
- No, it's not.
- Basically Murph and Taylor,
they drove me here from
Chicago to come see my dad.
- Did you steal the painting?
- No. No.
- Are you sure?
- I would never steal
those kind of paintings.
Are you crazy?
- No?
- Jackson Pollock.
- But you steal other types of paintings?
- No, I wouldn't.
Well, no, I wouldn't steal any other type
of painting unless there
was like a situation
where somebody was trapped-
- What about NFTs?
Have you ever stolen an NFT?
- NFT?
- Know anything about that?
- I don't even know if I can steal an NFT.
- NFT. NFT.
- NFT.
- Oh, that's right. You
British people like tea.
No, coff-ee.
- What about your friend?
Think he's done it before?
- Stolen an NFT? He wouldn't
even know how to spell NFT.
- Spell it.
- N-F-T.
- Use it in a sentence.
- They're harmless, honestly.
They (laughing) have really big mouths,
but they wouldn't do anything,
and they're really looking out for me.
- Okay, good.
- Why do you have his
little girl with you?
- Well, you want the
straight answer to that?
- Sure.
- He's a deadbeat and she's got a hot mom.
She's a good kid though, but
I really wanna date the mom.
- So how long have you known them?
The mom? I just met her.
- Now, do they have any
ties with your father?
Did they know about him or contact him
before you guys came up here?
- I think Murphy maybe
knew a little bit just
from like being in the family.
- You said you like her mom, right?
- Oh yeah.
- Taylor's never met anybody.
- I think, well you don't have
a problem between me and you.
You're a guy, right, you know what I mean?
- He's just trying to get with my mom.
- She's totally in to me.
- Oh, okay.
- How are they involved
with the operation?
- They're not doctors.
- How are they involved
with the money laundering?
- I don't think they washed anything.
Lacey has one duffle bag like that.
- So you are telling me
she knows nothing about-
- Hey, hey, she's a good kid! She's smart.
She knows everything but nothing.
- Yeah?
- And what does your dad do?
- Well, he's like a, he's a CEO.
- Of what?
- Um.
I don't know.
- You know your partner's right?
- He is?
- Yeah.
- What'd he say?
- You are the smart one.
- Oh, you got that right.
- He never gives me compliments.
I'm impressed.
- Frankly, I don't see it.
I can see it.
- Oh well that's just
hurtful at this point.
- I'm really worried.
Like we came all this way to see him,
and like the doors were
open like he wasn't there.
All of the paintings were gone.
I just, I really. I don't
know what's going on.
- I know.
Listen, we're doing everything
in our power to find him, okay?
It's gonna be okay.
- I just, I know something's wrong,
and he is such a good person,
and I haven't been able
to see him in so long.
And he just, he doesn't deserve this.
I know he doesn't deserve any of this.
- This has been horrible, all right?
As soon as we figure out
what's going on with your dad,
we're getting the hell
out of this country.
Unless you guys wanna stay
for a little longer, extend the trip.
- Gentlemen.
- Hey, did you see Gretzky last night?
- He retired 25 years ago.
- Yeah, it was on "The Tonight Show."
- Right. The subject's
name is Bradley Antonov.
No known aliases, but he was
last seen with the Russian mob.
He is one of Canada's
top money launderers.
He was supposed to be buying fine art,
but instead he's been buying replicas
and stealing the money.
We picked him up on a
CMT charge a while back,
but it didn't stick.
This time though he may have
offended the wrong people.
All of his financial
transactions have been digital.
They've been paying Antonov in Bitcoin
in order to keep it untraceable.
But as soon as we find
the money, we've got him.
(tense suspenseful music)
- So you're saying my dad can go to jail?
(tense suspenseful music continues)
- It's either that or he faces
the wrath of the Russian mob.
Unfortunately, your dad doesn't
have the best roads ahead of him.
(tense suspenseful music continues)
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- INSET tried to get
information from his house,
but all the info from
the computers is gone.
- Do you wanna call your mom?
- Okay, yeah.
(tense suspenseful music continues)
- Look, Rachel, if you need
some help on this case,
and you need somebody to work
with you for a period of time,
I don't mind working
close with you on this.
- Just don't keep him out too late.
He suffers from low testosterone.
He gets exhausted very easily.
- Or if you want me to
take you out to dinner,
we can just chop it up
and spit ball, you know?
- Bring your EpiPen. You
gotta be able to stick him.
He is allergic to gluten.
His throat swells up.
Can't be (imitating choking).
- Or you know, maybe we need to relax,
and you know, just get
our mind off the case.
Maybe go to a day spa, massage
or something like that.
- Yeah, like that rub and tug joint you go
to on 39th Street?
- Okay.
- [Murphy] Why won't you help me out?
- Let me date your cousin.
- Joanna?
- Yes, I wanna date your cousin.
- Fine, okay just help me out.
- I'll-
- Gentlemen, as much as we appreciate
what the NYPD could potentially do,
I believe we have it
covered here in Canada.
- That's a relief because
he's gotta get home.
He just won the $400 million Powerball.
He's gotta go home and cash his ticket.
You know how eccentric
millionaires can be.
- Okay, you gentlemen are free to go.
- Hey, cheer up Lace. How about this?
I'll show you the dance I'm gonna do
with Mountie Rachel at our wedding.
- You can't dance.
- I hate to give him a
compliment, but he can dance.
- (chuckling) See?
All right, here, gonna
put your one arm here.
Gimme this. Don't give me spaghetti arm.
Push back at me. Here we go.
All right, take a step back on your right,
and then feet together, okay?
Forward on your left. Yep
and then step together.
Now you're back at the
right, step together.
Forward on the left, step together.
Here now dip. Ready? (chuckling)
- You can dance. Thanks for trying.
(fist hammering)
- Oh.
- Taylor.
- Hey Lace. You wanna
come outta here for a sec?
- Yeah, what?
(tense suspenseful music)
- Dad, where have you been?
- I've been everywhere,
Honey Bear, everywhere.
- What does that even mean?
The police took us in
there looking for you.
- Hey Honey Bear.
Do you remember that teddy
bear that Daddy gave you?
You still got it right?
(tense suspenseful music continues)
- Teddy bear.
- Right, 'cause Daddy just
needs to see it for a second.
Just to, oh, thank God.
- I get it. What are there
crypto codes inside of it?
Oh my God, there are.
You just gave it to me so no
one would catch you with it.
- No, no I didn't. It's not like that.
- What is it like then, Dad?
I haven't seen you in years.
And now that I finally
do, you're just using me
for your sketchy sh*t?
I trusted you and it was all a lie.
You never wanted to see me.
- Honey Bear, of course
I wanted to see you.
- Then where have you been?
- I've been at the...
Is this a puberty thing? What?
Look, I love you. I care about you.
I've got no time for this.
Give me that bear. Give me that bear.
(dramatic energetic music)
Give me the bear!
(dramatic energetic music continues)
(all yelling)
(dramatic energetic music continues)
(no audio)
- Where are codes?
- Look, if I knew, I would tell you.
(no audio)
- That's not smart, Brad.
They're probably gonna t*rture you now.
They may even waterboard you.
- Oh, that's like emotional bullying.
See, what they do is they take you out
on this really ice cold lake, right?
And they put you right in the middle of it
and they make you balance on a board,
and then when you fall down you freeze,
and they all laugh at you.
- Wait, that's not water
boarding. That's wake boarding.
- [Taylor] Same thing.
- No it's not.
Water boarding is they lay you down.
They put a towel over your face.
They pour water up your nose.
- Oh, oh, you are definitely
not gonna like that, no.
- Oh, you know what else
you couldn't handle is
when they put you in that little box.
Now me, I can handle that.
- You're crazy.
- No, no, no, no.
When I was a kid, I
used to have my mom tuck
the sheets in real tight.
Put me in that box,
give me a book to read,
I could stay there all day.
- Why would they give you a book?
- Why would they care if
they give me a book or not?
That's not the information they want.
- But they don't wanna
make you comfortable.
They're going to put
you a box with a book.
- They don't care. They don't care.
- How you gonna read it?
- Like...
Wait, wait, hang on, hang on.
Let me try something.
Let me try something.
Gentlemen, can I get a book out of my bag?
- Dude.
- Why would they care?
That's what I'm saying.
Why would these guys need
that information?
- Because they...
- You know what? You're screwing us.
Just relax. I got some.
Let me talk to them.
Comrades, what do you
say, you cut us loose.
We pour some vodka, we split the pirogi,
and we go sit in some snow,
and talk about this like gentlemen?
- Okay guys, look, we're
big fans of your culture.
Taylor and I go to a ton of strip clubs.
- It's true. Yeah.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
(fist thumping)
(dramatic music)
(Brad groaning)
You think that scares us?
Brad is a lot tougher than
that. Show them, Brad.
(tense suspenseful music)
(fist thumping)
(dramatic music)
(Brad groaning)
- Look, no matter what you do
to Brad, he ain't gonna talk.
(tense suspenseful music continues)
- Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait. Why are you punching me?
It's these idiots that
can't shut up. Punch them.
- (speaking Russian) You
don't tell him what to do.
We hit them when we want to hit them.
Keep it up. Do your nails first.
(Taylor and Murphy laughing)
What is funny?
- "Do your nails first."
(Taylor and Murphy laughing)
- Sounds like you're
giving him a manicure.
(Taylor and Murphy laughing)
- You're right.
- What is manicure? Is it g*y?
- Hey, you know what that's stereotyping,
and that reeks of toxic masculinity.
- Shut up!
We hit his nails with hammer.
- Then say that.
Don't make it sound like
he's going to a salon.
What, instead of waterboarding
do you say facial hydration?
(Taylor and Murphy laughing)
Uh-oh.
(fist thumping)
(dramatic music)
(Murphy groaning)
(Murphy coughing)
(tense dramatic music)
Do his nails (laughing).
- [Taylor] Stop, you're k*lling
me. What you doing to me?
Oh, oh, oh well.
(tense dramatic music continues)
- Where is hammer?
(tense dramatic music continues)
- Hey, gentlemen, gentlemen,
there's no need for this.
My daughter's got the codes.
- Oh!
- Oh my God!
- What's wrong with you?
- What kind of a low life
would give his daughter up?
- He's a father of the
year over here, jackass.
What's the matter with you?,
- With one hand, I'm happy we have code.
On the other, I've never
seen such disgusting...
How you say it?
- A piece of crap.
- [Criminal] Not quite.
- Scumbag?
- [Murphy] No class beat-down fool?
- It is (speaking Russian).
- Is that like Russian for d*uche bag?
- It's sh*t-a*s.
- Oh, oh.
- Oh. It's simplistic.
- It's kind of anticlimactic there.
- Next time I use one of yours.
- [Taylor] Okay.
- If you want to, you know.
- Look, you're never gonna
find her. She ran away.
She's not here.
- You know what? Wakeboard this astronaut.
(door banging)
- [Officer] Go, go, go, go.
- [Rachel] INSET, drop your weapon.
- [Officer] Freeze, freeze.
(energetic dramatic music)
(fighters scuffling)
- Oh. Oh!
(energetic dramatic music continues)
(fighters scuffling)
Oh sh*t. Oh sh*t.
(fists thumping)
(fighters groaning)
(energetic dramatic music continues)
(fighters scuffling)
(fist thudding)
(bell dinging)
(tense dramatic music)
(taser zapping)
- Okay. Ah!
- What, are these things
following us around?
- Hey, I bet that Asian
Mountie karated the guy.
- Okay, number one, that's super r*cist.
Just 'cause he's Asian
doesn't mean he knows karate.
- And B?
- And 2, karate's not a verb.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey buddy, buddy.
How'd you subdue that guy?
- Oh, I just karated the guy.
- Okay guys, we've got a call
out for Lacey. We'll find her.
- Good. Thanks for everything.
Really appreciate all your help.
- Of course.
- Hey guys, how much
longer is it going to...?
(indistinct)
(dramatic music)
- Okay, wait, hang on.
Just drop the g*n and we'll all walk out
of here nice and easy.
- You trying to seduce me?
- Lacey!
(dramatic music continues)
(oranges thudding)
(dramatic music continues)
(criminal thudding)
- If you recognize the two in the video,
it's because they are NYPD's
very own Orange Justice duo
whom after allegations of police
misconduct were suspended,
and are now returning to the line of duty.
It's not the video you can see,
but the video you can't.
Classified footage indicates no foul play
in the arrest of one
Kyle "Buzzy" Mitchell,
which is now at the DA
Castelli to drop the charges.
(officer laughing)
(officers applauding)
(Taylor and Murphy laughing)
- Welcome back.
- Thank you.
- Look, you guys can call us heroes,
but I'm not comfortable saying it myself.
- I am. You can call me hero.
I'm comfortable saying it.
- All right, all right, you
two, welcome back I guess.
And since you requested that
we don't release footage
of you being buddy pals with your CI,
as noble as that may be,
One Police Plaza has
sent down some guidelines
for your reinstatement.
It's supposed to rehabilitate your image,
and that of the department to the public.
And you two guys get
to be great big stars.
- I guess it's the optics.
- Oh, look at you with the big words.
- I can handle things. I'm smart.
Not like people say, like dumb.
I'm smart, I want respect.
- That's pretty good. It's
Fredo from "Godfather II."
- I'm trying to put it together.
I've been watching a marathon.
- I bet, did you ever
hear my Quint from "Jaws"?
- Yeah, I mean my grades in chemistry
aren't super amazing
right now, but it's fine.
I'll get them back up.
- Yeah, just remember
all the medical terms
that Taylor taught you.
- Oh, what you mean spleen and appendix?
Yeah, I think I'm gonna get a full ride
to medical school on that knowledge.
Thank you.
- [Taylor] Hey, I was
giving you pearls of wisdom.
- Hey guys.
- Hey, hey, hey. Oh, is
that your girlfriend there?
- Oh my God. No, you idiot.
Can't a girl be friends with another girl?
- Yeah, you know, if you're
a l*sbian, that's fine by us.
I mean, you know, I just didn't know
the pescatarian church allows that.
- We went on a whole road trip to Canada
and you're still on this bit.
How many times do I have to tell you?
Pescatarian is a dietary
choice. It's not a religion.
- As long as you don't
have to shave your head.
We love you either way sweetie.
- Yeah, well watch out next April Fool's
'cause I've definitely got you there then.
Look, I gotta go. You
guys have a good time.
- All right, great to talk to you.
- [Murphy] Love you kid.
- Great talking to you guys. See ya, bye.
(upbeat rock music)
- Thanks.
I tell you, you know what?
She's a really good kid.
- Great kid.
- Yeah, she really is.
And you know, something
just for the record,
I wouldn't care if she was a l*sbian
or g*y or nothing like that.
- I know, I know.
- Hey, by the way, you heard
Sanchez came out as g*y, right?
- Yeah, matter of fact,
he came to the precinct the other day.
- Oh, that's right. He has a boyfriend.
- Yes he did. And you know something.
Did you notice his boyfriend
looked just like he did?
- Yeah, is that a thing?
Do they date guys that
look like each other?
- I don't know. I don't know.
I mean there's a lot of
advantages to it though.
- Like what?
- Well, you save on the
same haircare products.
- I guess you double your wardrobe.
- That's right. So you're
saving money right there, right?
- Now, I know you. I know
how your brain works okay?
So let me ask you this.
If you were g*y, what
celebrity would you date?
- Why would I think if
I'm g*y who I'm dating?
I would never think like that. I don't-
- You never thought about that?
- No. I don't think about if
I'm g*y, who am I gonna date?
That's ridiculous.
But if I were g*y and I
were to date a celebrity,
it would be Joe Namath.
- The football player?
- Yeah, Joe Namath. That's right.
Super Bowl III, MVP.
- Isn't he a little old for you?
- There you go with age
discrimination again.
- I'm just saying, what
would you do together?
- What would we do together?
We go to football games, right?
We go to any kind of book
signing, country clubs.
I get the suites with all the
free food at the Jet games.
Lot of good stuff. Who would you date?
- Well you're saying people
that look like you, right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- So, I don't know, Brad Pitt.
- Oh my. The ego on this guy.
Are you kidding me?
- What? What are you talking about?
- Brad Pitt?
- He might like some
incredible stuff in me.
The way I dress, the way I talk,
the way I act, all that stuff.
- Oh my God.
You're setting the bar a
little high, don't you think?
- Then we would have Hollywood parties.
We would invite you and Joe over
for a Hollywood dinner
or something like that.
- Uh-uh, Joe and I are
not interested coming
to any Hollywood soirees that you
and Mr. Pitt are throwing.
- Okay, Brad and I make dinner
and you're not gonna come over?
- Joe needs his rest. He's older now.
His knee's still aching.
We're not going out to all hours
of the morning doing God knows
what, with who knows who.
- So now I have to tell
Brad all that food we made,
we gotta throw in the garbage?
- That's not my problem.
You're the one that wanted
to date a Hollywood big shot.
You figure it out.
- Now we're gonna have a huge problem.
Now I gotta talk to Brad.
We're gonna work this out.
You're gonna cause an argument.
- That's my problem?
Go to therapy like everybody
else in Hollywood does.
(upbeat jaunty music)
- Scene Fruit, take one, mark.
(clapper board snapping)
- [Director] All right guys, here we go.
And action.
(upbeat jaunty music continues)
Action guys. Action means go.
You start.
- Why doesn't he just say start?
- I think action is like movie speak.
- Why doesn't he just say it then?
Why doesn't he just say?
What's he gotta say action for?
I didn't go to movie speak school.
- There's no school. It's
just action means start.
- Then he should just say start.
- Face forward. Face front.
- Fruit 32, mark.
(upbeat jaunty music continues)
And I'm hoping it's not true.
- Tomato.
- Or tomato.
- Is it a fruit?
- Or a vegetable?
- Regardless.
Any way you say it, it should
not be used as a weapon, kids.
- Use words not watermelons
to solve your differences.
(upbeat jaunty music continues)
- And remember.
- [Both] Police and
produce are your friends.
(upbeat jaunty music continues)
Wake me up before you leave
- Put your finger up.
Not the! Stop.
(upbeat jaunty music continues)
If you stay it's not my fault
I'm not begging after all
If loving you's a crime,
lock me up and lose the key
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm gonna k*ll myself
for doing this. Jenny?
Jenny!
sh*t!
- (laughing) Sorry. I'm sorry.
(both laughing)
(screen beeping)
- Hi. Oh, you're at
the wrong house, sorry.
(all laughing)
(door banging)
- Oh, sh*t.
(all laughing)
(screen beeping)
- Oh hey.
- Oh my gosh. She's gorgeous.
- We need a real take. I don't
think we got a real take.
Everyone is a joker.
(actor laughing)
(screen beeping)
- See you got your luggage. Bet.
- I'm so sorry (laughing).
- Just go back, just go back.
- (laughing) I'm so sorry.
(screen beeping)
- [Actor] Been a long day.
Better come to bed, sweetie.
- Okay.
- No come, just come
on. I'll rub your back.
Let's go to Sweden.
- That's funny.
- I'll get the operation.
- Go to Sweden, get the operation?
- [Actor] Go there. Come on.
- What operation?
- The p*nis enlargement.
(jaunty upbeat music continues)
I'll massage you.
- Stop!
- Come on.
Don't be that way.
We'll play Sultan and his followers.
Come on, I'll be the sultan.
- Sultan?
- Come on, I'll rub you like
a Turkish bath boy. Come.
- [Actor 2] Sultan and his followers?
(all laughing)
Sultan and his followers.
(screen beeping)
(jaunty upbeat music continues)
And if you stay
(both laughing)
- Stop laughing.
(gentle upbeat music)
(screen beeping)
(gentle upbeat music continues)
- [Director] Go again. Action!
(gentle upbeat music continues)
(all laughing)
- [Speaker] That's it. Nope.
- [Director] Action.
(screen beeping)
(gentle upbeat music continues)
- Honey Bear!
- [Director] All right,
that was great. It was-
- Get out. Get out.
- [Speaker 2] Hey!
- [Speaker 3] Your partner doesn't seem-
(screen beeping)
(gentle upbeat music continues)
- Honey Bear!
- Brad, super to see you, Brad.
- Oh my goodness.
(all chattering)
(screen beeping)
- No, it's my daughter. Got
a couple of guys with her.
(gentle upbeat music continues)
Hit the wave till it hurts me
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- [Actor 2] What is the guy saying?
(screen beeping)
(gentle upbeat music continues)
I should have stayed
But it's been so hard to say
And I just want to stay with you
The things I hate
My life could be great
But there's one thing in the way
- (laughing) So stupid. Sorry.
(gentle upbeat music continues)
- You are a whole session in
the psychologist's office.
(all laughing)
(screen beeping)
(gentle upbeat music continues)
(both laughing)
(gentle upbeat music continues)
(screen beeping)
(gentle upbeat music continues)
(all laughing)
- Sorry.
Let's get to the end.
Let's get to the end.
(screen beeping)
(all laughing)
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Orange Justice (2026)
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