03x01 - Yule Laff

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just
to take good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one
of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing, I want,
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing, I want, ♪

♪ I want Charles in charge
of me ♪♪

[♪♪]

[doorbell rings]

Doorbell.

Hey.
- Charles, Charles!

I've got a great idea!
- What?

Are you leaving town
or stealing luggage?

No, I'm loading luggage.

You see,
the Powells asked me and my mom
to spend Christmas with them.

Oh, then why are you
loading luggage?

Oh, Buddy, check it out.
I had an inspiration.

I suggested renting a cabin
in the woods

for an old-fashioned
family Christmas, right?

The Powells liked the idea,
so I made all the arrangements.

Good!
Now here's my idea.

You're gonna fly to California
and spend Christmas with me.

It's like talking to lumber.

Let's try this again, Buddy.
Sit down.

Now you see,

the Powells asked me and my mom
to spend Christmas with them,
right?

So I rented a cabin
in the woods.

We're all gonna
spend Christmas together.

No, bad idea, Charles.

Scenery can be fatal.

What if there's a flash flood?

What if there's a forest fire?

What if there's an avalance?

What if a giant meteor
crashes to earth

and we all die
in a cataclysmic cloud
of radioactive dust?

Well, I don't know
what the odds are,
on a thing like that happening.

Hi Buddy.
Charles, did you get in touch
with your mother, yet?

Oh, no, Mrs. Powell.
I left a message on her machine.
But don't worry.

She's gonna love
spending Christmas in the woods.

What about me?
Aren't I invited?

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!

Well, of course you are, Buddy.

You are just like
a member of the family.

Oh, forget it, Mrs. Powell.
I have real family
back in California.

If you don't believe him,
check the San Diego Zoo.

Well, I have got
to keep packing.

Charles, there's still time
for you to back out

and come to California with me.

Buddy, I appreciate it,
but I can't.

Besides, it's so warm
in California,

how could you even tell
if it's Christmas?

Well, people do
Christmassy things.

Like last year,
the colored lights
on our palm tree exploded,

and it set the hot tub on fire.

And while we were putting out
the hot tub with the water
from the swimming pool,

an unemployed actor
came down the chimney

and stole all of our presents.

And then, an undercover cop
dressed as a sugar plum fairy
nailed the guy,

and got all of our presents back
on Christmas morning.

That's too traditional for me.

Hey, Madge.

You all packed?
- No.

Charles, you've gotta talk Mom
into letting me stay here
for Christmas.

[sighs]
I'll be out in a minute, Buddy.

All right.

What's the problem?

I don't want to go
to the mountains.

Going to the mountains
is the worst idea
you've ever had.

It's a great idea, Jamie.
There'll be snow.

You know?
We'll sit around the fireplace
and sing Christmas carols.

You'll be with your family.

And all my friends
will be down here.

Charles, you got me into this.
You have to get me out of it.

I'm not going to the mountains.

Jamie, you are going.

Mom, I'm 15 years old.
Why do I have to go?

Because, you're 15 years old.

We are all going.

Thanks a lot, Charles.

Let's see,
what have we got here.

Making a list
and checking it twice,
huh, Mrs. Powell?

Mom, if Jamie gets to stay here,
I'm staying, too.

Everything I love is here.

My Christmas tree,
my presents,
my food.

Adam, we're taking the food
and the presents
and the decorations with us.

And, when we get there,
your grandpa will cut
a tree for us.

Yeah, we'll be just like
the early settlers.

I thought they were dead.

They are.

Because they didn't listen
to me.

Don't worry, Adam.
We'll have fun in the mountains.

I doubt it.

Mom, we added three more things
to our Christmas list.

A fingernail dryer for Jamie,
a new book bag for Sarah,

and a computer football game
for me.

Adam, we don't have
any time to go shopping.

Besides, we have a ton
of presents for you
and your sisters.

Now come on,
let's keep packing.

Let's get the rest
of these boxes.

All right.

Charles!
Be very careful
with this suitcase.

It has my Santa Claus outfit
in it.

Oh... all right.
- Oh, Mr. Powell,

Aren't you a little
too slim and trim
to be playing Santa Claus?

Oh, well.

That's very nice of you
to say, Lembeck.

Lighten up, Mr. Powell.
I was just joking.

Charles.
Thank you so much...

... for the Christmas fruitcake!

Hi, boys.

Good Mom, you got my message.
We have about an hour to pack.

Sweetheart, Aunt Pearl
is expecting us

to spend Christmas
with her in Scranton.

No, no, Mom.
The Powells asked us
to spend Christmas with them.

I rented a cabin
in the woods,

for like, an old-fashioned
family Christmas.

If you want to have
a family Christmas,

you oughta have it
with your family.

You're my family,
and the Powells are my family.

Besides, Mom,
we hardly know Aunt Pearl.

Charles.
Aunt Pearl is a blood relative.

Look,
if you don't have the nerve
to tell the Powells

we can't be with them,
then I'll have to do it myself.

Lillian!
Oh, I am so glad
that you're going with us.

It wouldn't seem like Christmas
without you and Charles.

We wouldn't miss it
for anything.

Pearl.
I'll go call my Aunt Pearl.

[phone rings]
[Mr. Powell] I got it!

Mrs. Powell,
do you have any more stuff?

Well, we still have to pack
the presents, the food,
and the kids' clothes.

Oh good,
there'll be room for everything
except for people.

Oh, no, no, no, Buddy.
That's why we're
taking two cars.

We're taking mine
and Mr. Powell's.

It'll be a little cramped,
but I think we'll make it.

Well Charles, you
and your mountain cabin idea,
already it's gone wrong.

Ed Durkin's wife
is having a baby
and I have to work his shift.

I can't leave today.

Oh, no.
Oh, wait!

Why don't I follow Charles
up in my car,

and then you can join us later?
- No, Ellen.

I don't want you going up
in that mountain alone
this time of year.

That weather at Lake Wainani
is too unpredictable.

Oh, I've got it, Mr. Powell.

My flight doesn't leave
until tomorrow.

I can take a bunch of things
in my car and follow Charles up.

How 'bout it, Mr. Powell?

You could take the food
and the presents later tonight.

Nah, I don't know.
I don't like it.

I say if Buddy doesn't mind,
let's do it.

Thanks, Buddy.
You're a real friend.
- Sure.

Nah, you're not
only a friend, Lembeck.

You're bright, you're sensitive,
and you're extremely
intelligent.

Well, thank you, Mr. Powell.

Lighten up, Lembeck.
I was just joking.

[Buddy] Hey!

Oh, yeah!

Well, this is it.

Uh,
I think the kitchen
is behind that door,

and uh... the bedrooms
are down this hallway.

It's lovely, Charles.
Primitive, yet dirty.

Let's go.
There's nothing to do up here.

I like it.

It looks like
"Little House on the Prairie."

Yeah, no wonder Michael Landon
moved out and got a new series.

Somehow, it's not quite
how I imagined it, Charles.

Oh, no, Mrs. Powell,
but it will be.

Only needs to be cleaned up
a little bit.

Now, the guy
who rented it to me said that,

there's plenty
of canned foods in the kitchen.

There's a lot of wood
to make a great fire,

and they just fixed the hole
that was in the roof.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna go outside
and cut us down
a Christmas tree.

That'll help a lot.

Yeah, well,
I guess I better get headed
back to town.

Oh, Buddy.
It's snowing so hard out there.

Do you think
it's safe to leave?

Does anybody really think
it's safe to stay?

I better get out
while I still can, Mrs. Powell.

Well, just make sure
that you drive carefully.

We better get the rest
of the luggage

before it freezes to the top
of the car.

I'll help Charles
cut down the tree.

All right.
- Well, Charles.

See you next year, huh?
- All right, Buddy.
Thanks for everything.

Sure.

Operator,
I know somebody is there.

So, will you please
just check the line?

Hello?

What do you mean,
"What's the number?"
I just told you.

You're supposed
to be checking the line.

[stuttering] Nah.
Now don't put me on hold again.
I hate that music.

Hello?

I'm on hold.

Hello?

No, I know they didn't answer.

I mean, if they had answered,

I'd be talking to them
instead of you.

What is this?
Dial a dunce?

Will you please,
just check the line?

Operator?

You know
you're wasting your time
with the phone company.

You could make a fortune
working with a ventriloquist.

You're welcome.

Now will you check the line?

What do you mean,
"The lines are down?"

What snow storm?

Well,
doesn't the phone company work
when it snows?

I mean, mail carriers work
when it snows.

I just want to talk
to my family.

What do you mean,
"Write 'em a letter?"

Okay, okay, what's your name?

[chuckles]
Hello.

Hello.

I don't want
to talk about it, okay?

Well.

It's starting to look
a lot like Christmas, isn't it?

I wanted to get my make-up kit
out of the car.

I couldn't find
my new make-up kit.

I couldn't even find the car.

I will never forgive you
for this, Charles.

I just hope
Grandpa gets here pretty soon.

Oh, don't worry, Sarah.

He'll be coming through
that door any minute, now.

Grandpa.
- Buddy.

Buddy, what are you doing back?

I couldn't leave, Mrs. Powell.
The road is closed.

It's gone,
it's history, it's snow.
I'm stranded.

The road is closed?

Oh no,
I'd better call Dad
and warn him.

The road is closed.

That means Grandpa
can't get here.

He has the turkey
and all the presents.

The road is closed?

I knew it.
Charles brought us up here
to k*ll us.

The phone is dead.
The lines must be down.

Ah, come on, everybody.
Just relax.

Now, we have all
the basic things up here
to sustain life.

We have fire, food, and water.

There is no water.
The pipes are frozen.

The only food we could find
was canned mushrooms.

There must be 200 cans
of mushrooms in there.

Mushrooms are good.

There's no can opener.

Okay!
Hey.

Now look,
we have some of the basic things
to sustain life.

We have uh...
fire, cans, and snow.

Give me that can, Aunt Lillian.

I'll get that
little sucker open.

Hey, Adam.

What have you got in the bag?

Nothing.

It's food, isn't it?

Give it to me.

Here's Buddy!

Buddy.
Buddy.

I'm sorry, Charles, I...
- All right.

I lost my head, I...
- All right.

I'll just open up the mushrooms.

Adam, you little devil.

You do have food in there,
don't you?

I have four candy bars,
okay?

Adam, we may need
those candy bars
before this is over.

You know,
I'm gonna start a fire.

That'll make things nice
in here.

Boy, that axe is strong!

Where are the mushrooms?

Oh, I imagine somewhere
over Union City by now.

But I did find
a six-pack of diet
lemon-lime soda in my car.

Charles?

Isn't the smoke supposed to be
going up the chimney?

Yeah, Mom,
something must be blocking it.

Yeah, well, with the way
things are going,
it's probably Santa Claus.

All right,everybody out.
There's nothing worse
than smoke.

[Charles screams]
[bear grows]

Charles, it was your idea
to rent this dumb cabin.
Do something!

Right, right.
I'm gonna go up on the roof
and gonna unclog the chimney.

Charles, you can't go outside.

There's a very large bear
outside.

Adam, Adam,
give me your candy bars.

You want to throw my candy bars
to a bear?

I say we keep the candy bars
and throw Adam to the bear.

Jamie!
Adam, give him the candy bars.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I think he's gone.

[Charles screams]
[bear grows]

All right.
Adam, give me the candy bars.

[scream]

[Charles]
Get in!

Great!
Now we have no food at all.

Yes, but we do have a six-pack
of diet lemon-lime soda.

We can use that
to put the fire out.

Okay, everybody grab a can
and spritz it around!

Charles!
Get away from that door!

Mom, come on!

The candy bars are gone
and so is the bear.

I'm going up on the roof.

Charles.

If you're not back
by morning...

... I'm coming to get you.

If I'm not back in five minutes,
everybody come get me.

Charles!

Oh, I don't like this.

We should never have come.

It's just a slice of life,
Aunt Lillian.

You know the old saying:

"Some days you eat the bear,
and some days
the bear eats you."

Hello, Highway Patrol?

Look, I need to get up
to Lake Wainani.

Well, how long do you plan
to keep the road closed?

What do you mean,
you don't know?

You closed it.
Open it.

I have to deliver
all the presents,

plus my Santa Claus suit
is up there.

Oh wait,
will you stop that laughing?

This is serious.
I also have all the food.

I mean,
what do you expect me to do
with a 28 pound turkey?

That better be a cooking tip,
or you're in deep trouble.

I don't know,
call me crazy, but...

this is what the holidays
are all about.

Mushrooms roasting
on an open fire.

How'd you get the cans open, Ma?

Wisdom, Charles.

Wisdom is the thing
that tells you

when to rent a cabin
in the mountains
and when not to...

... you don't have it yet.

Well, at least
the fireplace is working.

I can't believe that
the owner of this place

would put a board
over the chimney.

He must have left it there
by mistake,
when he fixed the roof.

What was wrong with the roof?

Oh, last year,
there was a big snow storm,
and the roof caved in.

[Charles]
Hey!

Kids, grab yourselves a stick
and toast a mushroom.

Oh, yuck.

Maybe we should save them
until Christmas.

Oh, right.
We can all gather
around the table

and carve
the Christmas mushroom.

This is the worst Christmas
of my entire life.

Look.

I know that renting this cabin
was my idea.

And I'll tell ya, complaining
is not gonna make the situation
any better.

Yeah, well,
it sure can't make it any worse.

I mean, look at me.
I'm gonna miss my flight.

And I'm stuck in a cabin

I know.
This really hasn't worked out
at all, has it?

And, think of poor Grandpa,
all alone in New Brunswick.

We should be there with him.

I should be in Scranton
with my Aunt Pearl.

And I should be in California.

But, no.
We're stuck in the mountains.

Hey, I'm sorry.

I made a mistake.
Well, sh**t me!

You know,
I try to do something that
the family would like, you know.

Obviously,
I don't fit into this family
very well,

because I don't know
what this family likes.

I mean, I don't know
what anybody likes.

[piano playing]

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ holy night ♪

♪ all is calm ♪

♪ all is bright ♪

♪ round yon virgin ♪

♪ mother and child ♪

♪Holy infant ♪

♪ so tender and mild ♪

♪ sleep in heavenly peace ♪

♪ sleep in heavenly peace ♪♪

That was lovely.

Yeah.

Charles said
we'd all be together,
singing Christmas carols.

It's nice, isn't it?

Yeah.

Here's to good friends.

Tonight is kinda special.

Oh, you know, it is nice.

I mean, this cabin
is not a palace,

but it's gotta be
more comfortable than a manger.

Jamie.

You sing like
I pick mountain cabins.

Merry Christmas.

[all]
Merry Christmas, Charles.

Oh, come on.
I think we all need
a good night's sleep.

Come on, Adam,
I'll tuck you in.

Good night, Mommy.
- Good night.

[Jamie]
Good night, Charles.

[Charles]
Good night, Jamie.
Good night, Mom.

[Lillian]
Good night, Charles.
Good night, Ellen.

[Mrs. Powell]
Good night, Lillian.
Good night, Sarah.

[Sarah]
Good night, Mom.
Good night, Charles.

[Charles]
Good night, Sarah.
Good night, Buddy.

[Buddy]
Where's the john, boy?

[soft Christmas music plays ♪]

Grandpa?

Adam.

Merry Christmas.

Grandpa.

I made it.

Grandpa!

[Mr. Powell]
Oh, am I glad to see you, huh.
I...

Dad!
- Walter!

Hey, Mr. Powell.
How'd you make it up here?

Are you kidding?
I fought.
I scraped.

I crawled my way
up the mountain.

That's how I got here.
[chuckles]

If the road is closed,
how'd you get your car up here?

Well, actually, uh...
it stopped snowing
early this morning,

so, uh,
they re-opened the road.

But it's still
darned chilly out there!

Hey, that means I'll be home
for Christmas, after all.

Charles didn't wreck my life.

No, you didn't wreck
my life either, Charles.

You tried,
but it turned out okay.

It stopped snowing?
What a gyp!

It won't be Christmas
if it doesn't snow.

Shouldn't these presents
be under the tree?

Dad, what are these presents?

How should I know?
I didn't bring 'em.

Besides,
you did the wrapping, Ellen.

I didn't wrap these.
I don't even have
that kind of paper.

It says that
they're for Adam, Sarah,
Jamie, and Buddy.

Mr. Powell,
you brought me a present?

No, Lembeck.

I didn't even know
you were still up here.

Maybe we should open them.

Ellen, are you sure
you didn't buy those presents?

No, Dad, I don't know
anything about them.

My computer football game.

A new book bag.

A fingernail dryer.

This is incredible!

Mr. Powell, how did you know
I wanted a glow-in-the-dark
Daffy Duck ring?

Lembeck, I did not bring
those presents.

I swear it.

But, you did, Grandpa.
You brought them in last night.

He couldn't have gotten here.
The roads were blocked.

But, he did.
He came in wearing
his Santa Claus outfit.

I saw him.

Adam, his Santa Claus outfit
is in the suitcase...

... in my closet.

But if Walter didn't bring
the presents...

... well, who did?

Maybe there really is
a Santa Claus.

[phone rings]

The telephone's working.

[phone rings]
Well, I'd better get the food in
before it freezes.

Charles, this is weird.

No, Buddy, it's a miracle.

A glow-in-the-dark
Daffy Duck ring is weird.

Kids, it's your dad.
He's coming home next week.

Line up
if you wanna talk to him.

Oh!
Oh!

Yeah, Charles rented a cabin
in the woods

and we are having
a wonderful time.

Well, Charles, I guess
your cabin idea was a hit.

Yeah, you really lucked out.

Well, all we need now
is one more miracle.

A little snow on Christmas.
[Mr. Powell] Mmm-hmm.

[cracking noises]

Oh, gosh.
It's good to be home.

Charles and the kids
should be here soon.

There were supposed to be
following us down the mountain.

Hi.
- Oh, Charles, you are here!
- Yeah.

Great!
Ah, I'll start dinner.

Lillian, you can join us?
- Oh, I'd love to.

Good.
That's dinner for seven.

Oh, Charles,
when you were loading your car,

did you remember
to get my tan suitcase?
- Yes, I did.

Well, you didn't forget
to bring my Santa Claus suit,
did you?

No, I didn't.
- Uh, you didn't, uh...
forget my blue bag.

No, I didn't.

Oh, Charles,
you didn't forget
my make-up kit, did you?

No, I didn't.
Everything we took up there,
I brought back.

I did not forget anything.

Where's Adam?

Better make that dinner
for five.

[♪♪]

♪ Charles in charge
of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing, I want ♪

♪ I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪♪

[fanfare]