03x07 - The Extremely Odd Couple

[bunniefuu]

♪

♪ ♪

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just
to take good care of me ♪

♪ like he's one
of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing, I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing, I want ♪

♪ I want Charles in charge
of me ♪♪

♪ ♪

Hi, Mom.

Oh, my poor baby.

What are you doing?

Just cleaning out the garage.

For Walter.

Well, yeah,
he asked me to do it.

I'm sure he did.

And when you're finished
cleaning the pharaoh's garage,

maybe he'll let you
build him some pyramids.

Mom, don't start again.
I'm very lucky to have this job.

Sweetheart, I don't see luck.

I see dirt.

Ugh.

My son, the sl*ve.

Don't do that.
I'm old enough to lick
my own face.

And I know why
you and Mr. Powell
are having this feud.

Feud?
What feud?

Walter obviously takes
advantage of you,

that does not mean
we're having a feud.

Mom, it's a feud.

It all started
about that argument
over Vanna White's hairdo

and it's been escalating
ever since then.

Charles,
when you get through with--

Oh, hello, Lillian.

What do I owe
this dubious pleasure?

You owe this dubious pleasure
to my son's obvious pain.

If you're going to work
Charles to death,

someone has to make lunch
for the children.

Mom,
he's not working me to death.

Of course I'm not.

Charles!
What are Sarah's old books
doing back in the house?

She was supposed
to get rid of them.

No sir,
These are your old books.

I found them in the garage,
I was gonna put them
in your bedroom.

No, no.
I don't have any space
in my room.

So, uh, why don't you
put 'em back in the garage.

Ah--
On second thought,
bring 'em back.

I may want to keep
a few of those books.

Now that you're warmed up,

maybe you can get started
on those pyramids.

Pyramids?

It's a--
It's an old family joke.

Uh, there's nothing in here
I need, so uh,

put 'em back in the garage,
Charles.

No, Charles!

Let me put them back
in the garage.

Then later,
you can bring them back in again

when King Tut changes his mind.

Charles,
why don't you tell your mother
this isn't a package deal.

I didn't hire her,
I hired you.

Charles, sweetheart.

I didn't know you were hired.

I thought you were captured.

Oh for Chri-- !

Mom,
how much longer
is this feud gonna continue?

It's not a feud.
I just don't like you jumping
whenever Walter speaks.

Ma-- I don't jump
whenever he speaks.
[doorbell rings]

[Walter] Doorbell!
- Doorbell.

But, I didn't jump.

Charles, there's the most
incredible-looking woman

jogging through
your neighborhood.

I've never seen
so many moving parts.

That's Mrs. Bishop.

That's Mrs. Bishop,
She and her husband
own a health club.

Eh, it works for her,
doesn't it?

You bring me over the 20 bucks
you owe me?

Oh yeah, Charles, right here.

Thanks.

Uh, Buddy,
could you come back here
for a sec please?

"In Concert...

Tex Beneke
and the Glenn Miller Orchestra:

A Return to the 40's."

What is this?

Well, the guy that was supposed
to pay me back my $20,

so I could pay you back
your $20,

gave me
these tickets instead.

They're worth 12 bucks apiece,
Charles.
- Woo.

You just made a profit.

No, no, Buddy.
I really don't deserve it.

I'll tell you what,
why don't you sell the tickets,

give me my twenty bucks back,
and you can keep the profits.

Sell 'em where?

They're practically worthless.

Well, unless of course,
you're a swing music fan,

and there must be
millions of 'em

across the country,
Charles.

I heard the concert's sold out.
- Not quite.

There are still two tickets
available.

Sell 'em.
[Mr. Powell clears throat]

Will you look at this?

After four months of cutting,
and gluing, and painting,
she's ready to launch.

Oh, that's beautiful work,
Mr. Powell.

Oh, yeah.
Incredible.
The best I've ever seen.

Which reminds me,
would you like to buy--

No, I never buy anything
from strangers.

Mr. Powell,
I would hardly call me
a stranger.

You would,
if you knew you
as well as I did.

Then I should get
to know me better.

I think
I'll go talk to myself.
- Yeah.

Are the kids back
from the mall yet?

Uh, no, Mom.

What a cute boat.
- Yeah--

That is not a boat.

It is a ship.

A boat is a vessel
you put on a ship.

You could put that little thing
on a ship.

So it must be a boat.

This is the model of a ship.

Then you should put a model
of a boat on it,

so we could tell the difference.

Any fool would know
this is a ship.

I didn't know it.

Well, I take it back.

Any fool wouldn't know
it was a ship.
- Mr-Mr. Powell...

You don't have to defend me.
- I'm not defending you, Mom,

I just don't think
he meant that

the way it sounded.
- Oh, you're defending him.

Oh, you don't have to defend me.
- I'm not defending--

I can take care of myself.
- I wasn't defending anybody--

So can I.
[overlapping arguing]

It's been like this for days,
Buddy.

It started
with a little argument

and it's turned into
like a big w*r.

And I'm always stuck
in the middle of it.

You know,
I'd bet if you could lock them
both together in a closet,

they would realize that
they had something in common.

What would that be?

The fact that they're both
locked in a closet.

It's amazing.

Did-did these thoughts
just come into your head
or do you, like,

buy them
from the village idiot?

If only they did have
something in common.

Well, uh, maybe they like
to collect things.

Like concert tickets.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Wait a minute!

That's it, Buddy,
give me those tickets.

Great, Charles.
Now we're even.

See ya later.
[Charles cackling]

Charles,
I'm going to my club.

Oh, Mr. Powell,
I happen to know that-that--

"Tex Beneke
and the Glenn Miller Orchestra:

A Return to the 40's"

is playing a concert tonight.

And I have tickets.

I was gonna give my mom one,
then I said to myself,
"Wait a minute.

What about Mr. Powell?"

Glenn Miller Orchestra?

Wow,
I don't know what to say.

Thank you, Charles.
- You're welcome.

Mom?
- Did I hear the children
come in?

No, Mr. Powell just left.
Mom, am I crazy,

or did you once
tell me you loved swing music?

Well, yes, my dad,
your grandfather, loved it.

He used to play swing records

all the time when
we were growing up.

Tommy Dorsey,
Benny Goodman...

Glenn Miller?

Oh.
Glenn Miller's records
were the best.

Mom,
I've got a surprise for you.

Adam, you are never going
any place with us again.

Yeah.
I can't believe what you did.

Believe it, Sarah.

Oh, Charles!

You rang?

We ran into Jeff Kelly,
the absolute cutest boy
in school,

and guess what Adam did?

You're just jealous
because you can't burp
anytime you want to.

He's disgusting, Charles.

Oh, yeah?
Well, all I can say, is...

[burps]

[girls]
Charles!

Adam,
stop burping at your sisters.

Okay?

Now, go wash up.
My mom made lunch.

Ha, ha.

You can laugh now,

but one of these days...

Oh, this is mine.

No, it isn't,
that's the blue sweater.

It's mine.
No, Sarah, we agreed
'member?

It looks better on me.

No, Jamie.
It's mine.

Sarah, it is mine.

[clunk]
[gasps]

What?
- Oh, no!

Grandpa's gonna have a fit.

He's been working on this
for months.

Don't worry.
Look, it--
we can glue it.

Yeah!
He'll never know the difference.

[Adam]
Wanna bet?

Adam,
you're not gonna tell, are you?

Remember when I said,

"One of these days?"

Well...

... today's the day.

Jamie,
we don't have to be
Adam's servants.

We already glued Grandpa's ship
back together.

Yeah,
but our glue job
isn't that great.

See, if Grandpa
looks close enough,

he'll see the crack
in the mast.

We're just gonna have to keep
paying Adam off

until we get something on him.

Oh!

A peanut butter, salami,
cheese, and ketchup?

Yeah.

Uh!
It's for a friend.

[Adam]
Jamie!

Sarah!

Move it!

I thought
you said it was for a friend.

Well,
Adam is our friend, isn't he?

What does he have on you girls?

Nothing!
- Plenty!

Hey!
Charles.

Lois and Karen
are down at Sid's.
Let's go.

No, I can't, Buddy.
My mom and Mr. Powell
aren't back yet.

Back from where?
- The Glenn Miller concert.

I gave them the tickets.

They went out together?

Yeah, Buddy,
but they didn't know
they'd be sitting together.

See, I came up
with this incredible plan.

I figured once they found
they had something in common,

they'd get along much better.

Oh, I made a big mistake!

Right now,
they probably hate each other

and they're blaming me for it.

[♪ Glenn Miller: "In the Mood"]

[♪♪]

[doorbell rings]

Doorbell!

That's okay, Charles.

a

Uh, they're baking me
some cookies, but, uh,

I'm sure they wouldn't mind
answering the door.

I'll get it.

Hi, Adam.
Can Charles come out and play?

It's for you.

No, I can't, Buddy.

I have to stay here
and watch the kids.

My mom and Mr. Powell
are playing bridge.

Bridge?
I thought they played golf.

Sometimes they do.
Other times they jitterbug.

Right now
they're playing bridge.

I tell you,
they're spending
so much time together,

I may never get
to leave this house again.

Well, Charles,
you know,

I-I-I think that
you should be happy

that your mom and Mr. Powell
are getting along so well.
- I am, Buddy.

It's just that
they're carrying it too far.

Tonight I'm going to dinner
with my mother

and I'm gonna lay down the law.
- What law?

The law that says
they can be friends

without being friendly.

Stop pacing,
you're making me nervous.

Buddy,
they-they-they just don't match.

I mean,
Mr. Powell is much older
than my mom.

He's an experienced ex-sailor.

Buddy.
He's been to Shanghai,

my mother's never even been
to Disneyland.

My mother is a sweet, gentle,
and delicate flower.

Hot damn!

I loved shoving those cards
down Margaret's throat!

Hi, Charles.

I won't be able to have dinner
with you tonight.

I have to pack.

Pack?
Pack!

Lillian and I both have to pack.

As you kids say,
we're out of here,

we're history,
we're rust.

I believe that's "dust."

At my age, it's rust.
[laughing]

[sighs together]

Charles.

Walter and I have qualified
for the Eastern States
Bridge Tournament.

We're going to Atlantic City
together for the weekend.

Together...

Weekend.

Whoopee.

Well, what do you think?

Well, it seems to be
holding together.

Let's just hope
it doesn't fall apart.

Hope what doesn't fall apart?

Uh... Grandpa!

Yeah, I was just saying
if anything happened
to his ship,

he'd fall apart.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it.
[Walter] Doorbell!

Thank you.

Buddy.
What are you doing?

Charles, your neighbor lady
is jogging again.

You know, she's one
of the great natural wonders
of the world.

You came all the way over here
to watch Mrs. Bishop jog?

No!

But-but if you want to,
my binoculars are in the car.

No, no, no thanks.

I have enough trouble as it is
without antagonizing
a jealous husband.

Did your mom and Mr. Powell
leave for Atlantic City yet?

No, not yet, Buddy.
And I don't want to
talk about this anymore.

Doesn't it strike you as odd
that Mr. Powell would start
playing bridge again?

I-I-I mean,
the guy has never won
a tournament in his life.

Well,
maybe he'll get lucky this time.

He's taking my mom
to Atlantic City.

I don't want him to get lucky.

Forget it, Adam.
I'm not washing your dishes.

Hey, Grandpa.
Guess what?

Did someone call me?

Hi, boys.

Is my partner ready
to demolish the competition?

You bet I am, Lillian.

Where's your luggage?

In my car.

Well,
I'll just load it up in my car.

No,
I have the route all mapped out.

I'll drive.
- No, Lillian, I'll drive.

Look, it's obvious that you two
have a major problem here.

So I think you should wait
until next year's tournament.

No problem, Charles.
I'll drive.

Lillian,
you can be navigator.

Okay.
What shall I do with my car?

I'll pull mine out
of the driveway

and you pull yours in.
- Great.

[Mr. Powell] All right.
[chuckles]

Charles, come on.
Cheer up.

You don't have any problem.

That's easy
for you to say.

No it isn't.
Mr. Powell dated
my grandmother once.

Remember?
- Yeah, I remember,
and you went to pieces.

Well, of course I did.

How would you feel
if Mr. Powell dated
your grandmother?

My grandmother's dead.

Well, then, you see?
You don't have a problem,
do you?

Hey kids, come on,
my mommy and grandfather
are leaving.

Let's go, their cars are moving.

Hurry up.

Stop!
Stop!

[crashing, glass breaking]

Hey, what happened?

What happened?

No, hold it.
Hold it, hold it--
Wow!

Nobody's hurt.

What was that crash?

Well, it-it was uh, a crash.

Did Grandpa and Aunt Lillian
hit each other?

No, but their cars did.

Okay, everybody,
why don't you go on upstairs,
okay?

There you go, just a little
mechanical misunderstanding.
That's all.

I'm worried
about your insurance rates,
Lillian.

I hope
they don't raise your premiums.

Why should they raise
my premiums, Walter?

You backed into me.

No, Lillian.
You backed into me.

Now, now,
hold it, hold it.

We have a witness here.

Charles saw everything.

Thank you, Buddy.

Go ahead, Charles.

Tell her it wasn't
your employer's fault.

Charles, sweetheart,

tell him your mother
is innocent... son!

You're not gonna
cover up for her

just because she's a relative,
are you?

Cover up?

I wouldn't be the one
that would fire him
if he told the truth.

I wouldn't either,
because the truth is,
the accident was your fault!

It was your fault!
- Talk to my lawyer!

You tell your lawyer
to talk to my lawyer!

[angry muttering]

Had to tell them
I was a witness, didn't you?

♪ ♪

No, Buddy.
See, the thing is, nobody
wants to take the blame.

I'm gonna have to get them
to settle out of court.

Charles.

Off the record,
who did cause the accident?

Hi, we made some fudge
and we need to take it upstairs.

[Sarah]
For Adam.

All right, girls, really.
What does he have on you?
Come on.

Nothing.
- Plenty!

Look, this is ridiculous.

If you've done something wrong,

it's always best to just
tell the truth

and let the chips fall
where they may.

What ships?
I don't know anything
about any ships falling.

Aha!
Ships.

Does this have something to do
with your grandfather's
model ship?

No!
- Yes!

Whatever it is,

Adam knows about it
and is blackmailing you,
right?

Girls, think about it.

What could be worse
than being Adam's sl*ve?

Charles is right, Jamie.

Okay.

Charles,
we broke Grandpa's ship

and we glued it back together.
- Oh.

And Adam saw you, huh?

Look, why don't you just
tell your grandfather
that it was an accident.

And this whole thing
will be over.

He's a very kind
and understanding man.

Charles!

She may be your mother,

but nobody damages my property
and gets away with it.

Excuse us.

Good advice, Charles.

Well?

You gonna go
on the witness stand or not?

Yes, sir,
but you do realize
that I'll be under oath,

and I'll have to tell
the whole truth.

Of course you will.
- Okay.

What whole truth?

The whole truth about
everything I saw.

Good.

Everything?
- Mmm-hmm.

What my mom was doing,
and what you were doing
at the time of the accident.

Exactly.
What you were doing.

Uh, right.

Well, uh, excuse me.

Aha!

So it was his fault.

That's not exactly true.

[sighs]
Then what is true, Charles?
[doorbell rings]

Doorbell's ringing.

Charles,
I know why you wanna see me,
and the answer is "No."

I don't like putting you
on the spot,

but it's a matter of principle.

You must go to court.

I agree, Mom.
I just wanted to warn you,
that I'll be under oath.

I know that, Charles.

Okay, so no matter what I say,
you'll know that I love you,

but I'm only doing
what you taught me to do.

Yes.

What did I teach you to do?

You taught me to tell the truth,
Mom.

So when I go in front
of the court,

I'm gonna have to tell them
everything I saw,

because that's the way
you raised me.

Oh... everything?
- Everything.

Lillian?
I thought I heard your voice.

Oh, hello, Walter.
- Uh, excuse me,

but should you two be talking
without your attorneys present?

You know,
I was just thinking about that.

Do we really want
to let attorneys make a profit
from our misfortune?

Well, uh...

I'm not so thrilled
having our fate be put
in the hands of a judge...

Mom, mom, isn't justice
what we really want here?

Sweetheart, stay out of this.

Yes,
justice should be tempered
with mercy.

After all,
it was only a minor collision.
It...

... could have even been
my fault.
[clears throat]

It was probably my fault.

Charles,
will you tell her
it was my fault?

Charles, sweetheart,
you don't have to take orders.

You tell him it was my fault.
- Oh, sure.

You'd say anything
she told you to say.

I'm going to call
my insurance company

and tell them
to charge me damages
for both cars.

In a pig's eye, you will.

I'm gonna have
my insurance company
pay for this.

Lillian, it was my fault.
[clunk]
Oh!

Oh, Walter.
You broke your little boat--

Ship!

Grandpa,
you broke your ship?

Huh, that's...

... terrible!

[Adam]
Jamie!
Sarah!

I want ice cream!

Girls.

Grandpa,
we could glue your ship
back together.

Yeah, we did it
the other day...

... after we knocked it
off the table.

You knocked it off the table?

Oh, I'm sure
it was an accident.

Jamie?
Sarah?

Didn't you hear me?

Yes, Adam, darling,
you little maggot.

Go get your own ice cream.

What?

Okay.

Hey, Grandpa, guess what?

What?

He knows, Adam.

He does?
- He does.

You knew about this?
- Yes.

So that's why
they've been waiting on you
hand and foot.

Young man,
blackmail is a serious offense.

Just for that,

I want you
to repair this.

Okay.

Grandpa, Sarah and Jamie
didn't mean to break your ship.

It was an accident.

Hey, thanks, Adam.

[burps]

Ugh!

Now, before we start round two,

can we let
the insurance companies
split the bill?

I could live with that.
- Yeah, so could I.

Let's go look
at those back bumpers again,
Lillian.

There may not be as much damage
as I thought, huh?
- Okay.

Hey, Charles,
is the coast clear?

Yeah, my mom and Mr. Powell
are back to abnormal.

Good.
Now will you tell me
who caused the accident?

All right,
only if you swear to keep it
to yourself.

Okay.
- All right.

I looked out the door,
and I saw my mom backing
into Mr. Powell.

Buddy,
she wasn't even looking
in her mirror.

She was look down at a road map.

Aha!
So it was her fault.

Ah, nah, nah.
On the other hand,

Mr. Powell was looking
out the window,

but he wasn't looking
at my mom.

He was watching
Mrs. Bishop jogging.

His head was goin' like this,
back and forth,

and he backed right into my mom
with a smile on his face.

Aha!
- Yeah, Buddy,
but the main thing is,

they're friends again.

All I said was,
there was a little bit
more damage to my car

than there was to yours.

Walter,
how can you say that?

You had three small dents.

I had four dents
and two broken tail lights.
- Lillian!

[swing music plays ♪]

♪ ♪

Lilly.

Lillian-Lillian,
the man's supposed to lead.

Get current, Walter.

Lillian.

Lillian!
Lillian!

Lilly!

Go on.
♪ ♪

Jamie.

I'm not afraid.

I just don't wanna
look like an idiot.

If you're not afraid,
then prove it.

Jitterbugging is old fashioned.

I'm hip.

I'm happening.
I'm now.

You're chicken.

I'm chicken?

[exhales]

Hit it, Buddy.

[swing music plays ♪]

[Buddy]
And now, couple number two.

Let it go, Charles!

Let it go!

Let it go!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing, I want ♪

♪ I want Charles in charge
of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪♪

[fanfare]