03x12 - The Buddy System

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to
take good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's
one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want, I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪♪

♪♪

Buddy...
Where you been?

I've been calling you
for days!

Oh, hi, Charles.

I guess I lost all track
of time and space.

One does that when one is
up to to one's ears

in the arms of love.

Who's arms are you up to
your ears in this time?

I hesitate to even
whisper her name

in such sordid
surroundings...

but I will.

I'm going with Elayne Tyler!

[laughs maniacally]

The girl
of every guy's dreams?

She may haunt every guy's
dreams, Charles,

but she stepped out of my
dreams and into my arms.

We're in love.

That's great, Buddy!
Congratulations!

I can't believe it!

Wait a minute.

You're a little
dressed up here.

You're not getting married or
anything like that, are you?

No! Eventually,
but not today.

See, Elayne and I had
a minor little tiff last night

and I wanted to
make it up to her,

so I left word for her
to meet me here.

I'm gonna take her to the
city for dinner and a show.

Get out of here!
That's unbelievable, Buddy!

Yeah, well...
she's crazy about me,

and I'm crazy about her.

Mr. Lembeck?

Mr. Lembeck?

Yeah, over here!

I have a turkeygram for
Buddy Lembeck!

I'm Buddy Lembeck!

Who's it from?

Elayne Tyler.

It's from Elayne! I told you
she was crazy about me.

Okay. Quiet everybody.
Listen to this.

I'm gonna get
a singing telegram!

Let's hear
what she has to say.

Uh... "To Buddy Lembeck
from Elayne Tyler"

[blows into tuner]

♪ "Never call me up again ♪

♪ Never show your face ♪

♪ You are an
embarrassment ♪

♪ To the human race ♪

♪ Buddy Lembeck,
you're a bum ♪

♪ You're a meatball, too ♪

♪ You are sleazy,
you are scum... ♪

♪ You and I are through" ♪♪

[laughter, applause]

Thank you, now go away.

No tip?

You want a tip?
I'll give you a tip.

Wear that outfit in the forest
right before Thanksgiving.

Buddy, I'm really sorry.

It's only natural, Charles.

The woman I love

dumped on me
in front of all my friends.

It's the story of my life.

Even total strangers
dump on me.

Now come on, Buddy.
That's not true.

Really?

Buddy, come on!
You got to get over this.

Why? So I can find another
girl who'll dump on me?

Look, you said that
you and Elayne

had a minor argument.

Now, obviously Elayne didn't
think it was that minor.

Charles, it was nothing.

It was just
a little lover's quarrel.

Face it, it's my nature.

Some people are dumpers,
I'm a dumpee.

[sighs]

All right, Buddy.

Now you're starting
to get me upset, okay?

Where is your self-respect?

Why should I respect me
when nobody else does?

Buddy, everybody
respects you!

- Oh, hi, Charles!
- Hi.

Hey, what's wrong
with the yo-yo?

Now, Jamie...Buddy knows
that you're only joking.

This is not a good time.

Yeah, my woman
just dumped me.

Smart girl.

I'm sorry your girlfriend
dumped you, Buddy.

But I guess you're
used to it by now.

Now, Buddy...

She did not mean that the
way it sounded.

Sarah cares an awful lot
about you.

In fact, everybody
in this whole house
cares about you.

Oh, hi, Charles.
Hi, Buddy.

Hi, Adam.

Oh, Adam.

Forgive me for not being
my usual jovial self,

but my girlfriend
dumped me today.

I don't care.

Buddy, Come on.

Now you, you know Adam.

He's always
been out to lunch.

Hello, Charles!

Well, Lembeck! You running
around loose again?

They sure don't make
straight jackets
the way they used to.

I've got to get out of here.

Wait, wait, wait.
Where you going?

I'm gonna hide, Charles.

If these are the people
that care about me,

I'm in serious danger
from the ones who don't!

Oh, hi. Uh...

Kids, listen.
Buddy's upset and, uh,

he needs to have his
confidence pumped up

and treating him
like a worthless slug

is not gonna do it.

Of course not!

What is Buddy
so upset about?

Well, he broke up with his
girl he really cared for

and the kids were
kind of rough on him.

Well, I'm sorry, Charles.

Who knew he really
cared for her?

Yes! I like Buddy! I didn't
mean to hurt his feelings.

I like Buddy, too!

It's just I didn't know
he had feelings.

I thought he was like a fish
or a lizard or something.

Everyone has feelings,
Adam.

And Buddy happens to be

a very sweet
and sensitive person.

Now, if he needs our help,
we're gonna give it to him.

So, what can we do,
Charles?

Well, I was hoping we could
all be extra nice to him

until he gets over this.

Why not?
Buddy's a good guy.

I don't mind
being nice to him.

I don't mind
being nice to him, either,

but it's gonna
take some practice.

Well, we'll be nice
to Buddy, but...

what are you gonna
do about grandpa?

Oh, once I explain the
situation to your
grandfather,

he will definitely cooperate.

You know, way down deep,

Mr. Powell has a heart of gold.

You're darned right,
and I'll crush anyone

who says I don't.

Dad...Charles has
something he wants to
discuss with you.

Yeah, and you're going
to love this, grandpa.

Oh, I just wish that I could
be here to share it with you,

but I've got to...

wash my hair?

What's Jamie trying to
get out of this time?

Out of earshot.
She's afraid you'll explode

when you hear
what Charles has to say.

Why would I do
a thing like that?

Sir, I would like you
to be nice to Buddy.

Why would I do
a thing like that?

Because...his girlfriend
dumped him

and it kind of destroyed
his confidence.

And I was hoping we could
build it back up for him.

How? By being nice to him?

That would only feed
his self-pity, Charles.

It sounds to me like he
needs some toughening up.

Well, let me guess, you want
him to join the Navy.

Our Navy?
That would be sabotage!

You say he's lost his
confidence, huh?

Well...I know just the man
that can help him find it...

Harry Hileman!

- Who?
- Harry Hileman!

He spent his entire military
career making men out of boys!

Now, as civilian, he's making
men out of women
and children, too!

Oh, he's a plastic surgeon?

No! He is a former Marine
sergeant!

My club, the John Paul
Jones Society,

sponsors his self-
improvement program.

It is designed
to instill confidence

in the dumb, the numb,
and the hopeless.

Oh, well...

I don't think Buddy'd
go for anything like that.

All right. I'll make you
a deal, Charles.

You want me
to be nice to him?

You get Lembeck
to get Harry HIleman

to help him to help himself.

Otherwise, I can't help you.

What do you think, Charles?

Well, it's definitely
worth a shot. I mean...

I'd give anything to see
Buddy acting like a human
being again.

Again?

I must have missed it
the other time.

♪♪

Buddy, all I want you
to do is talk to this--

Buddy all I want you do to
is talk to this guy

and hear what he has to say.

All right, now,
he's not gonna hurt you.

Charles! There are people
are beating each other

with clubs!

They're padded clubs!
They're called batakas!

People use them
to work off their hostility.

Oh, great.
Just what I need.

More people taking out
their hostilities on me.

Buddy! My dear friend!

I can't tell you how nice it
is to see you again.

Why? Didn't you see me
the last time you saw me?

I'm going to...

Mr. Powell...

Ten hup!

All right. Move those
batakas out to the truck.

Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!
Let's go!

And push-ups
until I get there.

I want you to meet Sergeant
Hileman, Lembeck.

You're Sergeant HIleman
Lembeck?

My name
is Buddy Lembeck!

I, you know,
maybe we're related!

- Ow!
- I'm sorry.

Excuse me.
My name is Charles.

I'm a friend of Buddy's.
You'll have to forgive him...

You see--

Oh, there's no need
to apologize, Charles.

You see, uh,
he wouldn't be here

if he weren't a confused
sniveling wreck

of a basket case.

Now tell me something.

Do you want to be a jellyfish
or do you want to be a man?

Yes.

Yes? Yes what?

Yes, sir?

Yes, sir, what?

Yes, sir, sir?

Yes, sir, sir, sir, sir?

Yes, sir-sir-sir, sir!

Yes, sir, sir-sir-sir-sir.

At ease, Lembeck!

This is gonna be
a tough assignment,

but I, I like tough
assignments.

Well, actually, all I think
Buddy needs is a little respect.

Self-respect, Charles!

You see, Lembeck,

people will always see you
the way you see yourself!

When I'm through with you,

you'll be your own
best friend.

Well, I already have a best
friend.

I, I just want people to stop
dumping on me.

Oh, they will!

You will be the dumper
instead of the dumpee!

- I like it.
- Good.

I want you men to help me
with a little experiment.

Just stand this way,
single file...

facing that way, would you
please, Walter? Thank you.

Now what this is, gentlemen,
is a lesson in trust.

Walter, without looking
behind you,

I want you to fall back

and trust that Charles
will catch you.

Now!

Very good. Very good.

All right. Now, Charles.

I want you to fall back

and trust that Buddy,
Buddy will catch you! Now!

Very good. All right.
Now, Buddy...

I want you to trust me!
Fall back! Now!

That's your first lesson,
Lembeck.

Never trust anybody.

All right, you're in luck.
This is Friday.

You're just in time
for the weekend seminar.

We leave in 1800 hours.
That's 15 minutes!

You'll like it up there!

No, no friends,
no parents, no teachers.

No paramedics...

Oh, that's not necessary,
Charles!

You see, Lembeck here
will never feel pain again!

Physical or mental!

- I'm for that.
- Good.

All right.
Good seeing you, Walter!

Nice meeting you, Charles.

Let's move out.
Hup! Hup! Hup!

♪♪

Ooh, girls! Buddy's back
and he's on his way over.

Who's on his way over?

Buddy! He's back
from his weekend seminar
with Sergeant Hileman!

Well, how does he sound?

Well, he sounds better,
but, uh...

I think it might be
a cover-up.

I still think he's a little
shaky about that girl
dumping him,

but please remember...

we all promised
to be nice to him, okay?

Well, all right.

[doorbell]
- Ooh, that might be him!

Okay, I'm going back
in my room.

Ellen, why don't you
go into the kitchen

and come back out in a few
minutes?

We don't want to frighten
the little...guy.

Good idea.

He's only been in training
for two days,

so he's probably still
a little insecure, you know?

[loud banging on door]

- Buddy!
- Yo, Charles!

Oh, Buddy!
How nice to see you!

We've really been
worried about you.

Oh, come now, Jamie.

The only thing you've
ever been worried about
in your life

is whether or not a
fingernail would grow back.

What?

Oh! Well it was nice
to see you again, Buddy.

Excuse me.

I really was concerned
about you, Buddy.

And I believe you, Sarah.

You always did identify
with losers.

I never did!

I mean, I never did think
of you as a loser, Buddy.

Welcome home, Buddy!

Oh, Mrs. Powell!

Well! Lembeck,

your weekend must have
agreed with you.

You look quite well.

Why, thank you, Walt.

Hey!
Put on a few pounds, huh?

Well, you know what they
say, hot air expands.

Lembeck!

Dad, you promised...

Excuse me!

Well, uh, Buddy.
Can you stay for dinner?

Oh, no thank you,
Mrs. Powell.

I have a hot date tonight.

Besides,
undisciplined children

make me uncomfortable.

Undisciplined children?

I think I'd better
check on dinner.

Ellen! Ellen!

What are you, nuts?

What a gyp!

Hi, Buddy!

Charles, Kevin Holloway

didn't let me
take my turn at bat!

Adam! I want you
to get back out there

and tell Kevin Holloway to
meet you at Sid's in an hour.

Then don't show up.

When you see him again,
don't speak to him.

Okay? He'll come crawling
back to you.

That's a good idea, Bud--

It's not a good idea!
It's a dumb idea!

Listen to your uncle Buddy,
Adam.

The only way to be secure

is to make
the other guy insecure.

You get it? Got it!

Thanks, Buddy!

Is, uh...is that what you
learned this weekend?

Oh, yeah. And a lot more.

See, Sergeant HIleman

taught me to stop
being a victim.

Oh! So, now you're going to
turn your friends into
victims.

[laughs]

Charles, if you see yourself
as a victim,

that's your problem.

I gotta run now.

See you around, Chuckles.

Where is he?

- He's gone.
- Oh, too bad.

I wanted to choke
him goodbye.

I know what you mean.

I never should have let

Buddy take that stupid
self-improvement course.

Don't blame the course,
Charles.

The course isn't defective!
Lembeck is defective.

Sir, I'm not quite sure
that's true.

But, I am going to talk
to Buddy.

You can talk,
but not in my home!

If Lembeck ever sets foot
inside this house again,

I'll throw you both out!

Hello, Ray? Charles...

Have you seen Buddy
today?

Well, yeah. No?

You have any idea
where he might be?

He's probably down at the
church, punching out nuns.

All right, Thanks a lot, Ray.
I'll talk to you later.

Charles, I told you.

I don't want to see Lembeck
around here again.

Mr. Powell, did you ever
take that course?

No! Why should I? I don't
need self-improvement.

Well, then how do you know
what that guy teaches?

I know Harry Hileman!
I've know him for years!

People don't change.

Buddy did!

All right, all right.
I'll tell you what.

We'll go down
to that class tonight

and you'll see for yourself.

Oh, no. I can't go tonight.

Mrs. Powell's taking Adam
to his open house at school

and I gotta stay
with the girls.

We'll take the girls with us!

And then you'll see

how wrong you are
about Harry HIleman.

And, I hope you'll admit it.

Yes, sir. I will.

And if you're wrong,
would you admit it?

Certainly...

But have you noticed

a certain pattern
in your life, Charles?

I'm always right
and you're always wrong.

Have you noticed that?

Yes, sir, I have.

And i'm sure you're right
about Harry Hileman, too.

- You are?
- Sure...

but then again, what do
I know. I'm always wrong.

Right.

- Harry!
- Walter!

I want you to meet
my granddaughters.

This is Sarah,
and this is Jamie.

This is Sergeant Hileman.

- Hello, ladies.
- Hi.

Sit down, girls, sit down.

Well, Charles, I'm uh,

I'm sure you'll appreciate
Lembeck's progress.

Is that what you call it?
Progress?

Charles has this crazy idea
that your course

has a detrimental effect
on his friend.

Yeah. My friend
Buddy's girlfriend

dumped him last week,
okay?

And he was a little
depressed.

I didn't know the opposite
of "depressed"

was "obnoxious."

Well, look who's here!

The Mickey Mouse Club!

Lembeck!

Your friend here seems to
have a little problem with,

uh, your behavior.

Well, that's not my problem,
now is it?

Oh, is that what
you teach here?

That people
are not responsible

for the results
of their actions?

Well, one thing he taught
me,

was to say everything that
was on my mind.

That should take about five
seconds.

Oh, sure, you can insult me,

But you really squeal

when the mouth
is on the other foot.

Oh, wait a minute.
This is good.

This is very good, class.
Now, listen up.

I think it's about time you
all told each other the truth.

Fine! The truth is, I liked
Buddy the way he was

and he knows it.

You did?

Don't listen to that, Buddy.

Why don't you just tell him
that he's a judgmental snob,

who keeps you around
as his court jester.

That's not true!

No! Charles always
stuck up for Buddy!

Which is more than these
little brats ever did.

Right, Lembeck?

- Brats?
- All right, Sergeant!

Now you're looking for
trouble, all right?

Sergeant HIleman!
These girls are not brats.

I mean, I, I think
they're pretty terrific.

You're backing down again,
Lembeck.

Now, what about Walter,
here?

Why don't you come
right out and tell him

that he's a pompous,
narrow-minded,

self-righteous blow-hard.

- What?
- He is not!

You can't say that
about Mr. Powell.

I didn't. Lembeck did.

I did not. I think that Mr.
Powell is a very nice man

who's done a lot for me.

What? You said
he called you an idiot.

He calls him an idiot all the
time.

It doesn't mean he means it.

It doesn't?

Of course I don't mean
you're an idiot, you idiot.

If I thought
you were an idiot,

I wouldn't call you an idiot.

Thank you, sir.

Lembeck! You are retreating
in the face of the enemy!

Hey! We're not the enemy!
You are!

I agree. We happen
to think a lot of Lembeck.

- Yeah!
- Yeah! We love him!

- Yeah!
- Oh, did you hear that?

Now why would these
people love a wimp like you?

Well, I'll tell you why.

Because I'm not a wimp.

And they love me
because I'm...

- Decent!
- ...decent!

And because I'm...

- Sweet!
- ...sweet!

And, and because I'm...

- Funny!
- ...funny!

And, and because I'm...

- A good sport!
- And a good friend!

Right! Because I'm a good
sport and a good friend!

And, most of all,
they love me because...

because they know
that I love them.

And you believe that?

I don't have to believe it.

I know it.

Well, then, congratulations,
Lembeck!

You don't need
this class anymore.

You just graduated,
Magna c*m Confidence!

And that's the way it works,
ladies and gentleman.

You see, I'm, I'm really
a great believer in love.

All right, now,
get the hell out of here.

I got a class to teach.

I can't believe that Sergeant
Hileman guy

knew what he was doing all
along! I, I can't believe
that!

You got a lot out of that
class, didn't you?

Oh, yeah. A new personality,
four bruises, and a lump.

Hey, Adam! What's wrong?

I'm just kind of lonely,
that's all.

Oh, well, that's
what happens

when you stop talking
to your best friend.

Excuse me.

You're not talking to Kevin
Holloway? How come?

Because you said that--

Adam, the most important
thing in the world

is friendship.

Don't wait for Kevin
to talk to you.

Swallow your pride and go
over there and talk to him.

But you said that--

Geez, Adam! For the first
time in your life,

you took my advice
and it happened to be

the one time
that I was wrong!

Forget what I said.

Okay!

How about you
and Elayne, Buddy?

If she broke up with you

because of a minor
argument,

you should be able to
straighten that out, right?

Oh, no, Charles.

It, it had to be something
more than that.

I mean, Elayne wouldn't let a
minor little disagreement

like that end our
relationship.

We were going steady!

We were practically
engaged!

Well, what was your minor
little disagreement about?

[scoffs]

Oh, she caught me
out with another girl.

This...this is all your fault,
Buddy?

You cheated on her, Buddy?

[Buddy mumbling]

We did all this
for nothing, Buddy?

Well, that's another
way to look at it. Yes...

Mr. Powell! Buddy has
his confidence back!

You don't have to
be nice to him anymore!

Lembeck, come here!

Let's talk about
how hot air expands!

See you later, Charles.

Come back, Lembeck!
You're a dead man!

I went the other way!

Lembeck!

♪♪

[pinball machine chirping]

Lembeck, I got another
turkeygram for you!

Not another one.
Go on, beat it.

Oh, no, Charles.
I want to hear this one.

Quiet everybody.
Listen to this.

"To Buddy Lembeck,
from all the girls

at the Gamma Gamma
Gamma Sorority!"

All of 'em?

♪ "Buddy Lembeck
here's a song ♪

♪ Written from the heart ♪

♪ You are handsome,
brave and strong, ♪

♪ Sexy, sweet,
and smart ♪

♪ Just for you
our hair we'll curl ♪

♪ And our legs
we'll shave ♪

♪ Every Gamma
Gamma girl ♪

♪ Wants to be
your sl*ve" ♪♪

[applause]

See what a little
confidence will do?

That's great! Thank you!

Oh, don't think me.
I just sang it.

He wrote it.

[mimics turkey call]

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want, I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge! ♪♪