03x15 - Five Easy Pizzas

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood
lives downstairs ♪

♪ and it's understood
he's there just to
take good care ♪

♪ of me
like he's one of the family
Charles in Charge ♪

♪ of our days and our nights
Charles in Charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs and our rights
and I sing I want ♪

♪ Charles in Charge of me
Charles in Charge ♪

♪ of our days and our nights,
Charles in Charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs and our rights ♪

♪ and I sing I want I want ♪

♪ Charles in Charge of me ♪♪

Mom, Mom, I'll do my
laundry tomorrow.

If you had done it yesterday,
you wouldn't have

to do it tomorrow,
I will do it today.

Mom, please get ready for your
trip, okay, I am fine!

Stop worrying about me,
how do you think I lived

- before you moved here?
- Like an animal!

Maybe I won't go.

Mom, why don't you just
come out and say it okay?

You don't trust me to run
Sid's Pizza Parlor
while you're gone.

I don't trust you to run
Sid's Pizza Parlor
while I'm gone.

Why not, Mom?
Come on, Angelo is a good chef,

and I'm a good manager.

Charles, I didn't tell you?
Angelo quit last night.

I had to hire a new man,
Dino Firenzi.

The greatest pizza chef
west of Naples.

Well, what are you
worried about?

You, you have too much
responsibility!

I'll cancel my trip.

No, Mom, you're not
canceling this trip.

You're not canceling
this trip.

You're gonna go to Scranton,
you're gonna see all your

old friends, and you're gonna
have a good time, okay?

Jamie, this has got to be the
worst thing you've ever done!

You see, already
there's a problem.
Girls, what's wrong?

Who knows?
I asked her if I could borrow
her tennis racket,

and she went crazy!

No, see that Mom?
Sarah just went crazy,
that's no problem.

Charles, the reason I went
crazy is because Jaime's

playing tennis with
Marci Crawford.

Marci used to be my friend
until Jaime convinced me

she was a back-stabbing
gossip.

Hmm, that's true Jaime, you
did warn Sarah about Marci,

and it did turn out
that she was a gossip,

and she did stab Sarah
in the back.

So, what's your point?

His point is,
you're a hypocrite!

I resent that Charles!

Where do you get off
calling me a hypocrite?

There's a double standard
around here Charles,

I blame you for that!

Charles, there's a schism
in the family.

You can't manage a pizza
parlor and a schism at the
same time.

Mom, the girls will work out
their problem, okay?

Now, please get ready
for your trip, please?!

Okay, I will go,
after I finish your laundry.

[doorbell rings]
Charles, Charles!

I have some bad news!

What, no, no, Buddy,
my mom's here.
Remember what I told you,

everything is perfect,
there is no bad news.

Oh, okay, Charles,
I have some good news.

You're mother is about to lose
her business

and be sent to a home for
impoverished widows.

Do you have an embezzler in
your memory bank, Buddy?

I'm gonna tell you again,
okay.

My mom put me in charge
of Sid's,

and she's not gonna do that
if she hears any
demented predictions!

No, Charles,
these aren't predictions.

This is fact.
My friend at the newspaper

told me that the
"Roving Gourmet"

is gonna review
Sid's Pizza Parlor
tomorrow night.

So what?
That's good news, Buddy.
A good review from him

will double my mom's business.

Yeah,
and a bad review from him,
your mom will be selling

pencils instead of pizzas!

Why don't you give me this
"Roving Gourmet" guys real
name

and when he comes in, I'll give
him special treatment,
all right?

No, that's just it, you won't
know when he comes in.

The "Roving Gourmet" may not
even be a he,

he might be a she, or an it.
Nobody knows his true identity!

You know what, Buddy, you've
been watching too many

situation comedies.
This is not a television show,

this is real life!

Fine, you said your mother
was worried,

about you taking charge
of the pizza parlor

if you want to be responsible
for the place

going out of business
that's OK with me!

Okay, all right,
here's the plan.

My mom hired a new chef,
I will tell him that a critic

is coming in,
and I'll go down there

just to make sure
nothing goes wrong.

Hi, Buddy.
Charles, your laundry's
in the machine

Are you sure
you're gonna be all right?

Why would I not be okay, Mom?

You just hired the best
pizza chef west of Naples!

- Right.
- Mom.

Who told you
this Dino Firenzi guy

was the best pizza chef
west of Naples?

He did.

Oh, excuse me, are you
chef Dino Firenzi?

No, I'm the
Pillsbury dough boy!

Please go,
the place is closed.

Uh, my name is Charles.
My mom owns this place,

and I'm gonna be running it
while she's gone.

You are Lillian's son?
Oh, excuse me.

I didn't know that, I thought
you were one of the peasants.

And my name is
Buddy Lembeck, Mr. Firenzi.

Ohh, Mr. Firenzi,
Firenzi, Firenzi.
Just call me Dino.

That one name Dino,
and everybody will know

who you talkin' about.

You mean like Elvis,
or Frank, or Liberace.

- Exactly!
- Or Moe, or Curly,
or Spiderman.

Excuse me.
Charles, come here.

Is he all right?

Uh, well, Buddy's just,
uh...how can I put this?

He's-he's whimsical,
he's quixotic, ethereal.

[stutters] Just give it to me
in one syllable.

- He's nuts.
- Thanks.

Uh, why isn't the place open?

Because it's closed!

I can't do my magic, you see,
until everything is spotless!

Well, you'd better
get the spots out quick.

There's a critic coming over.

Crickets!?
I don't want
no crickets in my restaurant.

No, Dino.

He said critic.

Critic?
I spit on critic!

I am the greatest pizza man
West of Naples.

[stutters]
Do you know what that means?

I guess it means that you
can't get a job East of Naples.

I hate this boy.
I hate him.

Hi.

Mom, I thought you were
getting ready to leave!

Yeah, I-I am but I wanted

to make sure Dino
saw the new menu
before I left.

Oh, that's beautiful!

Oh, you put
my name in gold letters.

Just like it calls
for in my contract, you know!

Ah, Signora Lillian,
I'm your sl*ve!

But I'm not the sl*ve

of a critic that's coming in.

- Critic?
- Oh, no-no,
he's-talking about Buddy.

You see, pizza-wise,
Buddy is very critical.

You're the critic?
I spit on critics!

Dino!
B-Buddy will love your pizza.

Dino, I have to go now.
Buh-bye. Goodbye, Buddy.

- Bye, Mom, have fun.
- Goodbye, sweetheart.

Goodbye, pizza parlor.

You know, Charles because
you are Lillian's, uh, son,

I tell you this from the very
bottom of my heart.

If there's anything,
and anything I can do for you,

leave me alone.

I don't know, Charles.

Do you still think
the Roving Gourmet

will give Sid's a good review?

Not if Dino spits on him.

[beeping]

Hey, my man, Adam!

k*ll that,
I got a proposition for you.

Listen, how would you
like to spend

the entire evening
at Sid's Pizza Parlor tonight?

What's in it for me?

All the free pizza
you could eat.

All right!

All right, the only thing
is you have to let everybody

in the place know how good
you think that pizza is,

you got it?

- Adam, how goes it?
- Good, Grandpa,
it's getting better!

Yes, I just
invited your little tyke

to come with us
to Sid's tonight.

Perhaps you would
like to come along, too.

Oh, thank you, Charles,

but I'd really rather have my
nose bitten off by a wolverine.

[laughs] Mr. Powell,
uh, I'll be honest with you.

Um, listen, the Roving Gourmet
is coming to Sid's tonight
and...

well, my mom's business
has been a little off lately,

and I thought, you know,
a good review would help her.

Well, if it's for your mother,
okay, but I won't
enjoy myself.

I hate pizza!
- I-I understand.

Hey, Sarah!
I am very glad you're home!

I'm really angry, Charles!

I just found out why

Jamie's been hanging out
with Marci Crawford.

That's terrible.

Listen, how would you
like to spend the entire...

...She's doesn't even like
Marci!

She just used her
to get next to Ted.

That's disgusting!

Look, Sarah, I am inviting
you... Who's Ted?

Ted is Marci's brother.

Jamie just pretended to like
Marci

so that Marci
would introduce her to Ted.

Wait, wait, Sarah,
how do you know all this?

Jamie told Allison,
Allison told Kim, Kim told me.

Come on, Sarah,
that sounds like gossip to me.

I'll tell you what,
I bet you Jamie doesn't even

know Marci
has a brother named Ted.

Hi, did Ted call?

Which Ted would that be?

Ted Crawford, Marci's brother.

I have a date
with him tomorrow night.

See, she made friends

with Marci just to meet Ted!

Talk to her, Charles.
- Okay.

Jamie, listen, how would you

like to go
to Sid's Pizza Parlor tonight?

Well, what's in it for me?

It would make
my mom very happy.

- Well, if it's for her, okay.
- Yeah!

All right, Sarah?

Okay,
if it'll give me a chance

to talk to Jamie and tell her
what I think what she did.

So don't think
it means you're off the hook!

Right, you're still on the hook.
Now, go talk to Adam.

He has all the rules, okay?

I've got to call Buddy and see
how many people he's bringing.

[dialing]
- Hi, Charles.

Yeah, Buddy, listen,
I...I got all the Powells,

how many you'd get?

Oh, I'd say in round numbers...

...zero.

How did you get zero?

I took the 50 people
that I invited,

and subtracted
the ones who said no.

This is great.

With the exception
of the Powell family,

the entire future
of Sid's rests

in the mouths of people
I've never even heard of.

Charles, they won't all be

people that we've
never heard of.

The Roving Gourmet
will be there,
and we've heard of him.

Buddy, you know what?

There are splinters
in the windmills of your mind.

Ah! Good evening,
and welcome to Sid's.

Two tables for two?

I don't care.

Adam, all the
free pizza you could eat.

I want some yummy Sid's pizza!

Be quiet, you little zit!
People are looking at us.

I'm sitting with Jamie.

I want to watch her squirm
when I ask her about
Marci Crawford.

[chuckles] Okay, well, you two
ladies squirm right here,

and, uh, you two gentlemen
could sit right up front.

There you go.
- Thank you.

- Enjoy.
- Charles!

Charles, Dino and I
are getting along great

and I'm giving him
a lot of helpful cooking hints.

Keep it down.

One of these people
might be the Roving Gourmet.

You think that
the Roving Gourmet

is a member
of the Powell family?

Get back in the kitchen,
all right?

What would you like?

I'd like Jamie
to admit that the only reason

she made friends
with Marci Crawford

was to meet her brother.

Well, in that case, I suggest
the chef's special, thank you.

May I help you?
- [loudly] Yes, I'd like
all the pizzas I can eat!

I had all the pizzas
I can eat.

I took one bite in 1952,
and I regretted it ever since.

Bring me a glass of water.

All right, that's ten pizzas

and one glass of water,
coming up.

- Get off my back!
- No!

No, I'm not telling you
what to do!

I'm simply saying that
I have a lot of great recipes.

Charles, I am the captain
of this ship.

I demand that you remove
this barnacle from my bottom!

Are you crazy?
Leave him alone!

Charles, the man needs me!
His mind is hopelessly closed!

Charles! That guy has critic
written all over him.

If that's not
the Roving Gourmet,

then I'm a babbling idiot.

Even if he is.

Good evening,
sir, welcome to Sid's.

Table for one?
Right this way.

Now, may I suggest
the chef's special?

It's very special.
And our chef is very special.

And his special
is his speciality!

[sighs]
Let me pour you some water.

Admit it, you never even
tried the peanut butter pizza!

- That's it, I'm going home!
- What do you mean-Oh!

I'm-I'm sorry, sir. Dino!
Dino, wait a minute!

Please, there is a k*ller
critic ready to review us!

For your mother's sake,

I'm going to stay
on one condition.

That you ban him
from this pizza parlor
forever!

No, Dino, please be
reasonable.

I can't ban Buddy
from the restaurant,

he's my best friend.
- Your best friend?

Oh, I didn't know
he was your best friend!

And if he's your best friend,

then, then give him
the job and I quit!

I can't believe this is
happening to me. [sighs]

What's bothering you, Charles?

Are you nuts?

My mom put me in charge
of this place,
and I am flunking, Buddy.

I have the only pizza parlor
in town that has no pizza!

Well, so far,
the customers seems satisfied.

It's like talking to lint!

Buddy, of course
they're satisfied, you nimrod.

He's only been
gone for 30 seconds!

The Roving Gourmet could be
in this restaurant right now,

I have no pizza
and I'm in trouble.

I think you're being
overly optimistic, Charles.

You're in big trouble.

I don't care
what you say, Jamie.

I think it's awful!
- Sarah, please!

People will think
you're talking about the pizza.

I am.

Yeah, Charles,
it tastes like frozen pizza.

It is frozen pizza.

Charles, your mom
left you in charge.

You can't serve frozen pizza!

Jamie, my chef
walked out on me.

I have one of his pizzas left

and I am saving that one
for the Roving Gourmet!

I thought you didn't know what
the Roving Gourmet looked like.

I don't!

I have to rely on logic,

the process of elimination,
and Buddy.

He could be the weak link.

Well, while you're waiting,
tell Jamie how wrong it was

for her to make friends
with Marci Crawford just so

she can get a date
with her brother, Ted.

Jamie, Sarah's right,
you're wrong, I'm busy.

All right, Charles.
You win, bring me a pizza.

Anything's better
than starving to death.

Yes, sir, that's our motto.
Thank you!

[clears throat]
How you doin'?

Buddy, Buddy.
Put that down!

That guy at table six is writing
something with a pen.

Go see what it is.
- Right.

Oh!
[grunting]

Is he choking?

No, I hit him in the head!

Then why are you
doing the Heimlich maneuver?

It's all I could think of.

Let him go
and get back into the kitchen!

- Good-bye!
- I'm-I'm terribly sorry, sir.

Little misunderstanding.

There you go, I'll tell you
what, I'm gonna rip
up your check.

This one's on the house!

Please come back,
don't be stranger.

Charles, Charles,
I got a message.

My friend at the newspaper

told me that
the Roving Gourmet is a woman.

All right, here's what you do.

You de-frost the pizza,
you give it to Mr. Powell.

You get Dino's last pizza

and give it
to that woman over there,
okay?

- Okay.
- Go ahead. [clears throat]

[sighs]
Good evening.

What's your special tonight?

Pizza!

We have one great pizza,
olives and anchovies.

I don't like anchovies.

Who does?
[chuckles]

I'll rip those little suckers

off there and have the best
olive pizza West of Naples.

Just bring it,
don't brainwash me.

Right.

Okay, Charles.

Here you go,
one for Mr. Powell

and one for you-know-who.

- That was fast!
- Yeah!

- All right, serve them.
- Okay.

Here you go, Mr. Powell.
Enjoy.

Thank you.

And, uh, lovely pizza
for a lovely lady.

- Beat it.
- Thank you.

Charles, if this
lady is the Roving Gourmet,

then we can't miss!

I gave Mr. Powell Dino's pizza
and I gave her my own creation.

When she tastes
that peanut butter...

Excuse me, there's-there's
been a little
misunderstanding.

Thank you.

Good, huh? Try this one,
it's a little bit better.

Thank you very much!

Here you go!
Now, you notice that there's a,

uh, [sigh] there's a small
bite taken out on one of the
pizzas.

That is our chef's
mark of approval.

You see, he tastes every pizza
coming out of that kitchen.

Enjoy.

[forced chuckle]
I forgot to take off

the anchovies, excuse me.

[groans]

Disgusting. Okay, bon
appetite, they're all gone!

Thank you.

Charles, this pizza has a
definite peanut butter taste.

Thank you.
Dino! You're back!

Only as a customer.

I came here to see
the other customers dead!

Dino, that woman over there
might be the Rover Gourmet.

Now, whether she is or isn't,

we are gonna get the worst
review in-in the history!

Your name is in the menu,
Dino, you'll go down with the
ship!

My name is on the menu!
Oh, no!

Buddy, I just re-hired the
best pizza chef
West of Naples.

That's very nice, Charles.

That shows respect.

No, that shows fear.

I'll settle for that.
[laughs]

Ow!

Why does he keep
doing that to my cheek?

I don't know.

[beeping]

- Hello, sir.
- Oh, hello, Charles.

Charles, are you sure that

the Roving Gourmet
was at Sid's the other night?

I didn't see her review
in yesterday's paper.

I don't know, Mr. Powell.
Maybe it'll come out today.

If we're lucky,
it'll never come out.

Eh, well, I hope that review
is good, and in fact,

it better be.

I ate pizza for you!

I thought you found
that you liked pizza?

No, I found out I liked
peanut butter. [chuckles]

Hey, Jamie.

How did your date
with Ted go last night?

Oh, it was okay.
It was a date. [scoffs]

You hated him, huh?

Yeah.
He was all over me, Charles!

I suppose it was my fault.

I did use Marci
to get close to Ted.

Now, Marci knows I did.

The sad part is, I was just
beginning to like Marci.

Well, in the words
of William Shakespeare,

"sweet are the uses
of adversity."

Well, that's easy
for him to say, he's dead.

Well, Jamie, what he meant was

you could get something
good out of a bad experience.

Jamie, I heard you walked out
of the movie last night

and left Ted Crawford
just sitting there.

How'd you hear that?

Marci told me. She wanted me
to tell you how sorry she was.

She's not mad at me?

No!
She thinks you're really nice.

See?

Marci and I got to talking
and she's changed a lot.

I like her.

See?

So do I.

See?

Well, I guess
if we could share a room,

we could share a friend.

Yeah, why not?
You're right, Charles.

"Sweet are the uses
of adversity."

That's right.

Maybe you guys will show me
a little bit more respect now.

[doorbell rings]

[both]:
Doorbell!

Maybe not.

Charles, Charles!

The afternoon paper is here.
- No, no, no, no.

Please don't let there
be a review of Sid's in here!

Please, please.
[Buddy laughs]

- What? What?
- Oh, that Beetle Bailey!

What a guy.
- Come on, Buddy, be serious.

My mom's gonna
come home any minute.

If there's a bad review
in here, I'm doomed!

No.
[mutters] Wait a minute.

Here it is.
Here it is, Buddy.

All right, I can't read it,
forget it, I can't read it.

Okay, I'll read it.

[clears throat] "The Roving
Gourmet. Sid's Pizza Parlor."

- Yeah.
- See, Charles, so far,
so good.

Give me this.

"Chef Dino Firenzi deserves...
...a medal for his artistry.

Sid's has the best
pizza in the entire area.

There's also a funny floor
show by two students who seem
to be

fugitives from
a Marx Brothers' movie.

If you're looking for
a good time and great pizza,

go to Sid's!" Yes, Buddy!
I can't believe it.

Get up!

We did it,
our luck has changed, Buddy!

Nothing is ever
gonna go wrong again.

[doorbell rings]
Dino!

Did you read
the review in the paper?

- That's why I'm here.
[laughs]

Charles, please,

tell your mother thanks for me
and also say to her

that I'm gonna say good-bye
with a tear in my eye.

But, what do you mean
good-bye?

Well, you see there was
somebody else who read

the review, and he happens
to have a pizza parlor.

Well, he was so impressed
with the review, that he made,

uh, an offer that a genuine,
uh, sensitive artist,

could not refuse it.

More money.
Good-bye, Charles.

Wait, Dino, my mom
will match any offer you get.

Really?

You know, I was
hoping you'd say that.

In that case, I will stay.

Ah, but wait
a minute-wait a minute,

what are we going
to do with him.

Dino, I told you.
Buddy's my best friend,

and I'm gonna stand by him

just like I know
he'd stand by me.

Suppose he annoys me
and I can't do my work?

If that happens, he's history.

[♪ ♪]

Oh, this review is wonderful.

I think
I'm gonna read it again.

"Sid's Pizza Parlor..."
- Hey, Adam!

You wanna read the good review
we got in the newspaper?

- Oh, yeah!
- "Sid's Pizza..."

Just let me
go to the bathroom first,
okay?

Twenty seconds.
That's all you got

is 20 seconds, go ahead.

Go ahead.
- "Sid's..."

Sarah! Wanna read the good
review we got in the paper?

I can't right now, I'm going
over to Marci Crawford's
house.

Oh, Marci isn't home.

I know,
but her brother Ted is.

Sarah, I told you!
Ted was all over me.

I know.

Now that he's over you,
he can go out with me.

- Sarah!
- Sarah!

Kids!

What a gip,
I missed it by three seconds.

[audience applauds]

♪ Charles in Charge ♪

♪ Of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in Charge
of our wrongs and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing
I want ♪

♪ I want Charles in Charge
of me ♪

♪ Charles in Charge ♪