03x17 - Hero Today, Gone Tomorrow

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to take
good care of me ♪

♪ like he's one
of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ and I see, I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ and I see, I want ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪♪

Ah, Buddy, please,
I do not want
to hear about this.

Every time you come up
with one of these
money-making schemes,

I wind up losing money.

Charles, this time I've
come up with a sure-fire way,

for us to make millions!

Okay, it won't cost us a cent.

Are you ready?
Here it comes.

We're gonna open
our own videocassette
rental store!

For the first time
in your life, Buddy,

you might have something.

I mean, those
videocassette places are hot!

Yeah, I know!
And here's the good part.

All we need is 12,000 bucks,
and we're in business!

Buddy,
my Huckleberry friend,

where are we gonna get $12,000?

Well, I-I thought
you could borrow the money
from your mom.

Are you nuts?

I'm not gonna ask my mom
to loan me 12 grand!

Oh.

I've got it!

Maybe she would loan
the money to me!

Do me a favor, Buddy,
don't ever talk to me
about this again, alright?

Okay, fine.
I won't.

I've already got a name
for it. You wanna hear it?

It's called
"Video Vunderland."

You get it?

- Say something, Charles.
- I need ketchup.

Charles, listen.

We'll make our money back
in no time.

Let's see, videocassettes
rent for about $2 a day,

a-and if we rent
a million cassettes a week,

that means that we'll make...

$2 million a week!

Hey, you know what, Buddy?

I have a better idea.

Why don't we rent
a million cassettes a day,

that way, we'll make

Yeah!

Now you got the idea!

Charles, where you going?

I seem to be bleeding
from the hamburger up.

- I'm gonna go wash my hand.
- Charles, with the money
we're gonna make,

you could hire somebody
to wash your hand!

- Hi.
- Hi, uh...

Sorry, fella,
we're about to close.

Oh.

Excuse me, um, may I
ask you a personal question?

Sure.

- Stick 'em up!
- Ahh!

Hey, put your hands down!
You want people to see?

Uh, but you told me
to stick 'em up.

No, it's a figure of speech.
It means I am sticking you up.

I'm not asking you
to stick up anything.

I want money.

Right.
Ooh, oh...

SOrry, I'm broke.
Can you come back payday?

Not your money.
The money from the register!

The register, right.

Geez, what am I robbing here,
a halfway house for half-wits?

I'm about to start sh**ting.

Uh, alright, alright.
Take it easy.

- Hurry it up! Hurry! Hurry!
- Here!

Charles, maybe your
Uncle Joe would lend
us the money.

Drop it, Buddy.

- Don't sh**t!
- Watch it, he's got a g*n!

Who has a g*n?

Don't you have a g*n?

No, he has a g*n!

- A g*n!?
- What g*n!?

This g*n! I'm armed!
I'm dangerous!

- And I'm outta here.
- Ahhh!

Alright! I got him!
Buddy, dial 9-1-1!

We don't need information!

I'll do it!

I'll get you guys for this!

- Charles, what're you doing?
- What am I doing?

The guy's trying
to rob the place!

I'm holding him
'til the cops get here!

No cops! Please, I have money!
Let's talk business!

Good idea!

Charles, I've got a new name
for our videocassette store!

[both] Oh, come on,
get off my back!

You guys, you're making
a big mistake!

Charles, he's right!
We are making a big mistake.

Instead of calling
the videocassette store
"Video Vunderland,"

we can call it
"Video Vigilantes!"

Do you like it?

I love it!
Can I go now?

♪♪

Charles, Charles,
listen to this!

"Pizza Parlor Vigilantes
Foil Hold-Up Man!"

D-Do you get the connection?

Pizza Parlor Vigilantes,
Video Vigilantes!

Oh, it gives your names
and everything.

I know, I know.
Now, "Last night,

two courageous
Copeland College students,

sick of unchecked lawlessness,
declared w*r on crime!"

- Gimme this.
- Look!

"Buddy Lembeck,
one of the dynamic duo,

had this to say,

'Charles and I decided
that the buck stops here!

If you can't take the heat,
stay out of the kitchen.

You can do anything
you choose,

but just stay off
our blue suede shoes.'"

You know, Buddy,
you really shouldn't
be talking to human beings.

Does it give the name of
the poor guy you beat up on?

Oh, here it is.

"The suspect has been
identified as Eddie Drummond,

an unemployed transient..."

It says here,
he didn't even have a g*n.

But Charles thought
he had a g*n, right, Charles?

Well... yeah.
He said he had a g*n.

Yeah, he sure did,
and this guy was huge!

He was the size
of a large horse.

He was the size
of a large jockey.

Poor guy!

Sarah, he tried to rob
the pizza parlor.

He was probably hungry!

You know, a lot of these
people have fathers
who are alcoholics,

and mothers who abandon
them in their youth.

Little Eddie probably
wouldn't be poor today,

if someone had given him love.

Or a g*n.

He's a victim of society,
Charles.

I hope you're happy.
You sent a victim to prison.

Don't worry about it, Charles.

Some people need to do
a little hard time.

Sarah's one of 'em.

- Morning!
- Mom!

Charles captured a k*ller!

- What?
- It's right here,
Mrs. Powell.

Read all about it!

And when you're done,
you can have this.

I have 20 more copies
in the car.

This is awful.

No, I think it's a
rather good picture of myself.

You boys could have
gotten hurt.

I'm gonna go out
and fight crime with
my bare fists!

- Just like Charles!
- No, you are not, Adam!

You are going to school.
I will drop you off,

and Charles,
promise me from now on,

you'll leave police work
to the police.

Alright, I promise.

Charles, I was just reading
about the hold-up!

Why didn't you wake me up
and tell me?

- It was no big deal, sir.
- I'd have done
the same thing!

Charles, I'm proud of you,
and Lembeck?

Yes, sir.

Lembeck, most days
I think of you as an idiot.

This may be the only day
I don't, so enjoy it.

Had to talk
to the reporters, didn't you?

Charles, wake up
and smell the publicity!

Our videocassette business
can't fail now.

I mean, people throw money
at heroes!

- Buddy, we're not heroes.
- Of course we are.

And I'll prove it to you!

I'm gonna call the
sexiest sorority girl I know,

and ask her for a date.

If you're talking about
Melinda Benton, you're wasting
your time, alright?

Oh, am I?

Hello!
Yeah, Melinda?

Yeah, this is Buddy Lembeck.
How 'bout a date tonight?

Oh.

Sure.

Yeah, I-I understand.

Thanks.

- I told you she'd say no!
- Yeah, you were right.

She can't wait until tonight!

She wants me
to come over right now!

The whole sorority
wants to meet me!

Oh, Buddy, look,
i-if you're gonna use
this vigilante story,

to take advantage
of some hero-worshipping women,

all I can say is,
it's unethical.

- It's dishonest...
- They wanna meet you, too.

It's the best idea
you've ever had.

♪♪

Buddy?

No, Mr. Powell,
it's me, Buddy.

Is, uh, is Charles here yet?

No, I thought he was with you.

Well, he was,
a-a-and then he wasn't,

a-and then he was,
a-and now he isn't.

Charles, your friend, Lembeck,
is getting disoriented again.

I suggest you take him
to the vet for his shots.

I thought you'd spend
the rest of your life
at the sorority house?

Charles.

Eddie Drummond is out on bail!

What, the guy we captured?

How could they
let a crook like that get away?

I don't know!
I don't know!

But it's right here
in this afternoon's paper!

Somebody bailed him out,
and we're in
big trouble, Charles.

You remember
what he said to us?

He said, "I'm gonna
get you guys for this!"

Buddy, this guy
may be a thief,

it doesn't mean he's a k*ller.

Charles, he has to k*ll us.

We're the guys
who turned him in.

I mean, w-why do you think
the police have a
witness protection program?

Oh, Buddy,
that's a different thing!

Th-That's there for people
who turn crooks in to the cops.

No, no, no, Buddy,
th-the protection program,

is designed to protect people
who are witnesses to a crime.

Well, Buddy, we have
no reason to believe,

that the guy we turned
in to the cops, because we were,

we saw him commit a crime,
has any hostile feelings
about us.

[sigh]

We're in a lot of trouble
aren't we?

[telephone rings]

No, Charles, don't answer it!
Don't answer it!

Don't answer...
Aw, you answered it.

Powell residence.

Hello?

Hello?

Must have been a wrong number.

No!

It was him!

He was just making sure
that we're here,

and you answered it, Charles!
He's got you!

Alright... Bu...
You didn't mention this
to the Powells, did you?

- No, not yet.
- Then don't.

I'm not convinced
that this guy is really
looking for me.

Oh, Charles,
I forgot to tell you.

A guy was here
looking for you.

Uh, he wasn't, uh...

medium-sized guy with
a receding hairline, was he?

Matter of fact, he was.

Did you get a name?

No, he just said
he'd catch up with you
sooner or later.

We gotta barricade
the door, Charles.

This lock may not hold.

[doorbell rings]

Just in the nick of time.

Who is it?

[man] Sid's Pizza delivery!

Sid's Pizza, huh?

What's your name?

[man] George.

- Oh, it's George.
- Wait a minute, Buddy!

The pizza delivery man's
name is Ernie!

Charles, you know
what this means?

Yeah, it means that there's
a homicidal maniac
outside looking to k*ll us.

[banging on door]

[banging on door]

[softly] Alright, now,
let's figure this out, Buddy.

Is the guy behind the door,

the crook we turned in
to the cops,

or is the guy behind the door,
the pizza delivery man?

I'd like to take
what's behind door number two.

Charles, did you order
a pizza from Sid's?

No.

Did anybody in this house
order pizza from Sid's?

Not that I know of.

Okay, I just have
one more question.

Help?

Let me try something.

[clears throat]Um...

George, j-just put
the pizza on the floor,

and put it on my bill.

[man] Okay.

[thud]

Now, we wait.

Charles?

What's that chair doing
in front of the door?

- What chair?
- What door?

- What's going on?
- What's this chair doing
in front of this door?

- What chair?
- That door!

- What's it doing there?
- I don't know.

Sorry, Mrs. Powell,
he doesn't know.

Oh.

Uh, Dad, if you're gonna
make your Fiji stew tonight,

you better get started,
and I'll help you and...

would you boys mind moving
the chair away from the door?

- No.
- Yes.

Something is going on here.

Oh, by the way, Dad,
Adam didn't feel like
stew tonight,

so I told him he could
order a pizza.

Uh-huh.

You hear that?
Adam ordered the pizza!

No!
Don't open the door, Charles!

[overlapping]
- Don't open it!
- Stand back!

Don't open it.

Hey, it is a pizza!

- Charles, it's ticking!
- What?

- It's a pizza b*mb!
- Buddy! Buddy!

Buddy!

Isn't that Adam's pizza?

Yes, Mrs. Powell,
I believe it is.

Charles, it's still ticking!

Did he say "ticking?"

No.

He said, "sticking."

You see, th-th-th-the
cheese of the pizza,

is sticking to the roof
of the thing and...

It's your watch
that's ticking!

A b*mb watch!

Did he say a "b*mb watch?"

[chuckling]

No, no!
He said "bum watch."

See, he bought this watch,
and it's supposed to be
waterproof, and...

well, it took a licking,
and it ain't ticking.

Sorry, Buddy.

- Thank you.
- Thank you!

What time's dinner?
Around seven-ish?

Okay, okay, so we
got lucky that time,

but what about the guy
that Mr. Powell said
was looking for you?

That had to be Eddie Drummond!

That's right, Buddy.

[stammering]
I do not want this guy coming
anywhere near the Powells.

Alright, I'm gonna call
the cop that arrested him.

[clears throat]

Yeah, I, uh,
Sergeant Nelson, please.

Oh, he's not?
Uh...

My name is Charles.
I'm one of the, uh...

Pizza Parlor Vigilantes.

Look, this guy Eddie Drummond
is out on bail, and uh...

He's gonna try
and get even with us.

N-No he isn't.

No, he didn't.

No, oh, he couldn't.

No, we weren't.

A-Alright.
Yeah, thanks a lot.

Are they sending over
a SWAT team?

No.

The guy said if he hasn't
actually done anything,

they can't pick him up.

Oh, great! So, they'll
arrest him after he kills us!

Hey, that'll teach him!
[phone rings]

No, Charles, Charles!

Don't touch that phone.

Don't touch that phone!
- Take your hands off me!

- No! No!
- Yes!

- Freeze!
- No!

Adam, what do you want?

I'm famous, Charles!

All the kids at school read
about you in the newspaper.

I told them you were just
like Dirty Harry.

Thank you.

Charles, why didn't you
answer the phone?

It was that guy
that was here earlier.

He said he'd be coming
over later on tonight.

Charles, we're dead meat!
You better call the police.

Hi, I'm home.

What's going on?
I mean, something is wrong here!

No, sir. Now what-what
could possibly be wrong?

[loud bang]
Get down!

Yeah!

What makes me
think anything is wrong?

Wow, did you hear
that car backfire?

[both]:
No!

What's everyone
doing on the floor?

Aerobics.

- Oh, good news, Grandpa!
- Huh?

You know Eddie Drummond,
the man that Charles and Buddy
put in prison?

- Yeah.
- According to this
afternoon's paper,

he's out on bail!

I wish I could talk to him.

Stick around
a little while, Sarah.

He should be here any minute.

Sarah, I can't afford
to die tonight.

I have a big date tomorrow.

All right, the rear door
is bolted.

Let's check these
windows, Ellen.

Jamie, I don't know why you're

afraid of a man
you don't even know.

Oh, sure.
Yeah, maybe I'm overreacting.

Hey, maybe he'll just kidnap

Adam and we'll all
live happily ever after!

Jamie!

Nothing is going
to happen to any of us.

Not as long as I'm here,
it won't!

Well, all the
upstairs windows are secure.

This is great!

I want to be here when Charles
punches this guy out!

Adam, if Charles had minded

his own business
in the first place,

we wouldn't be in this boat.

Mr. Powell,
this morning you said

that Charles just did
what you would have done.

Yeah, with one
slight difference, Lembeck.

I would have done it right!

Well, that's true, sir.

I brought this down on the
whole family and I'm sorry.

Well, what is done is done.

Right now, we all
have to stand behind Charles.

Yeah, as far behind him
as you can get, if you're smart.

All right, kids,
I want you to go upstairs

and watch some television.

Oh, make sure
you lock your doors.

Okay, but if Eddie does
come over, let me talk to him.

What he needs now is a friend!

[scoffs]
Hey!

Maybe if we throw
Sarah out the window to him,

he'll go away!

Jamie, stop that!
Come on, I'll walk you upstairs.

Grandpa, please let me stay!

I want to be here
for the k*ll.

Adam, there's not
going to be any k*ll.

[sighs] Mr. Powell, I think
the only solution is for me

to go and hide out
in Buddy's dorm

until this thing blows over.

That's a good idea.
If you're not here,

there won't be any trouble.

Charles, you can't hide out!
That's not brave.

Dirty Harry wouldn't hide out!

Adam, I am not Dirty Harry

and this is not a movie,
all right?

Now, if this guy shows up,
he's gonna sh**t real b*ll*ts

into our real bodies causing

real blood
to squirt out of real holes!

Now, is that what you want?

Yeah!
That's brave.

No, Adam, that's dumb.

I mean, Charles is leaving
this house and making himself

a target just to protect
you and your family.

Now, that's brave!
- Yeah, you're right.

I'm sorry, Charles.
[doorbell rings]

Door...[whispers] bell.
Adam, get upstairs!

That may be him.
You better go out the back way.

- Right!
- Wait a minute!

Look, Mr. Powell, I am losing
touch with reality.

Ringing phones,
ticking pizzas,

backfiring cars.

I'm not even sure
what I'm running away from.

I think it's time
we found out.

Me, too.
I guess.

Let's get this over with.

[all whispering]

[chuckling] Oh, hello! Charles!

That man
that was here is back again.

Come in. Yeah, grab him!
- Gotcha ya!

[chuckling]
Hey, what's going on?

- You're dead meat, pal!
- No, I'm not!

I'm Lou Brenner.
- Aha!

You're wearing
a phony mustache!

- Ow!
- Aha!

You grew a phony mustache!
Ow!

Hey, Buddy!
This-this is not the same guy.

Right!

Whoever the guy you normally
beat up on is, I'm not him!

I'm Lou Brenner,
from the Journal-American.

Uh, perhaps I-I came
at a bad time?

What do you want?

Well, not much!
Nothing, practically.

Ah, just a short interview

with the
Pizza Parlor Vigilantes!

Hey, look, we're not
talking to any press

about Eddie Drummond,
all right?

You want to talk
about Eddie Drummond,

you go talk to the cops.

Good-bye.
- Sheesh!

And I thought Sean Penn
was a tough interview!

Charles, do you realize
that this means the real

Eddie Drummond is still
out there somewhere?

[phone rings]
- I got it! Hello?

Oh, Sergeant Nelson, it's me!
I-I-I did call.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, yeah.

That's what I thought.
Okay, thanks.

Is everything all right?

Well, that was,
uh, Sergeant Nelson.

He said there's
a one in a million chance

that this guy Eddie
would be coming after us.

He said thieves like Eddie

just want money and there's
no money in revenge.

[sighs] You know,
I feel like such an idiot.

The whole time
this guy was out on bail,

we were like prisoners
in our own home.

Apparently, all we had
to fear was fear itself.

Right!
Maybe now we can have dinner?

Charles, look, you said there
was one in a million chance

that a thief
might want revenge.

Now, what if this is the one?

He could still be
out there looking for us.

Charles! Guess what
I saw on the six o'clock news?

Eddie Drummond was arrested
for robbing another store!

You hear that, Buddy?
He's not coming

after us at all, is he?

What a stoop!

I mean, imagine trying to rob

another pizza parlor
while you're out on bail!

Oh, it wasn't
a pizza parlor this time.

It was a video cassette store.

♪♪

I know everyone
thinks I'm crazy,

but the reason
I didn't want Eddie Drummond

sent to prison is,
I don't believe
in the prison system.

Right.

I don't believe
in capital punishment, either.

It doesn't deter criminals.

Right.

[sighs] If we
could just learn to love

and understand
each other a little more,

there wouldn't be any crime.

Right.

Charles!

[grunts]

Checkmate!

Take that move back
or the kid dies!

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ and I see, I want ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪♪