03x24 - The Blackboard Bungle

[bunniefuu]

♪

♪ ♪

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ he's there just to take
good care of me ♪

♪ like he's one
of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ and I see, I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I see, I want ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪ ♪

Will the new teacher's aide
enter and sign in, please?

No students.

Charles!

Charles!

Hey, I always thought
there were two L's in Charles.

I always thought there were
two halves to your brain,

we were both wrong.

Yeah, well, I guess
we all make mistakes.

Listen, Charles,
I need your help

on my public opinion poll
class project.

See, we have to pick a topic
and then conduct our own
opinion poll.

Whoa.

Um, I'm not gonna have
any time the next
couple of days Buddy,

I'll be busy getting
five extra credits

for being a teacher's aide
at Jamie's High School.

Hey that's great!

Wait a minute.

Did you say Jamie's school?

Yeah, I'll be sitting in
on a Health and Hygiene class

with a teacher named uh...
Marvin Merkin.

Haha, great name, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. Well what did
Jamie say when you told her?

Oh, well, I haven't
told her yet.

Uh-oh.

Haven't told who what?

Charles is gonna be
a teacher's aide

at Jamie's school.

Uh-oh, I don't wanna
be around when you tell her.

Me neither.
- What?
Come on you guys.

Jamie's not gonna mind
my being in her school.

She knows I wanna
be a teacher.

Charles, you poor
misguided fool, you.

You're gonna be trodding
on Jamie's turf.

She'll hate it.

Kids are very
territorial that way.

Buddy, that's ridiculous.

People are not territorial,
animals are territorial.

Then why do
you guys get so mad

every time we come into Sid's?

Oh, because we're animals.

Look, it's a very big school,

I probably won't even
see Jamie there.

Yeah, it doesn't matter
if you see her,

the trouble's gonna start
when she sees you.

Buddy, there's not gonna
be any trouble.

Obviously you don't
know Jamie as well as I do.

- Hi.
- Hey!

How was
cheerleading practice?

Great! The first game
of the year is on Saturday,

I can hardly wait.

Oh, good, listen,
you wouldn't happen to know

a teacher named uh, Merken,
would ya?

Oh yeah.

Yeah, but you're not in
any of his classes, are you?

Yes I am, Health and Hygiene.

Uh, big question,
Jamie, um...

Do you plan on
going to school
for the rest of the week?

Of course, why?

Charles is going to be a
teacher's aide this week.

Not in my school.

Well yes, I will be
more or less in your school.

Well actually,
more more than less.

Charles is gonna be
in your class.

You had to tell her,
didn't ya?

Excuse me, I faint
at the sight of blood.

Not me, I like it.

Beat it you little worm,
or it'll be your blood.

Charles, I get enough of you
watching over me at home,

I don't need it
at school too.

Jamie, I'm gonna be
a teacher's aide,

not a babysitter.

But I know you,
you can't help yourself,
Charles.

You were born
to interfere in my life.

I'm warning you,

Mr. Merken's class
isn't big enough
for the both of us.

Excuse me, uh, Mr. Merken?

- Mr. Merken?
- Whaddya want?!

Who are you?

Oh, um, I'm Charles
from Copeland College.

I'm your new
teacher's aide.

Eh.

Thought you looked a little
old to be a student.

Course, you never know.
Kids get older every day.

And bigger.

They get bigger and meaner.

Why in the heaven's name
do you want to be a teacher,
Charles?

Well, to me it seems like
a fulfilling career.

And uh, I'd like to
do something where I can
make a difference.

You gotta be kidding.

Listen to me,
even if you do
make a difference,

it won't make any difference.
I beg your pardon?

You're not dealing with human
beings, here.

You're dealing with mutants.

You don't teach mutants,
Charles.

What you do is, you
give 'em information.

And what they do,
is ignore it!

Well I'm a little old
fashioned. You see, I believe

in student participation.
- Student participation?

[chuckles]
Ha, ha, ha.

Back in the 60s I actually
encouraged student
participation.

The next thing I knew, I was
bound and gagged while my

students were blowing up
the ROTC building.

With a b*mb they made in my
class! [crazed laughter]

I uh, I know how you feel.

[shouting] Nobody knows
how I feel.

I'm sure somebody knows-
- Nobody knows how I feel.

You just watch me for a few
days, and then I'll let you

take over the class.
- Me, no. Mr. Merken.

I'm about a year or so away
from being able to speak

in front of a class.

Really?
- Yeah.

I have to base my evaluation
here on your performance.
[bell rings]

Ahh!

Looks to me like you're in
big trouble, Charles.

I really could not believe it.
I mean, everyone knows

that Tommy's gonna ask Lois
to the party.

Yeah, listen, about the
party...

Hi.

Uh, I'll talk to you later.

Thanks a lot, Charles.

Wow, who's the hunk?

That's not a hunk!
That's only Charles.

Alright class, this is Charles,
he's a student aide, ignore him.
Sit down, Charles.

Alright, today, we enter the
wonderful world of diet
and nutrition.

Look at Chapter 7.
It's called uh...

Diet and Nutrition.

Alright, the four basic
elements of - AHA! Aha!

I saw that, Mr. Curtis.
You just earned yourself an
hour of detention on Friday.

Thanks a lot.

You wanna try for three hours
on Saturday?

No, sir.

[chuckles]
Alright. The four basic
elements-

Is he always this tough?
- Always.

Ms. Powell, you wanna quit
flirting with
the teacher's aide?

Let's just try to control our
hormones, okay?

Quiet!
Okay, now, the four basic
elements...

Oh, Jamie, I'm really sorry
about today.

Sorry doesn't cut it,
Charles.

What happened?

Peter Curtis will probably
never speak to me again!

I'm sorry!

I'm the laughing stock
of the school!

I didn't laugh!

It is all Charles' fault!

[squeaky voice] Oh good!

Adam, why don't you go
upstairs and start your
homework, alright?

I'd love to.

Now, Jamie, you and I are
just gonna have to adjust to
this situation.

Why don't you find
a different teacher to aide.

Jamie, it doesn't work
that way.

See, I was assigned to
Mr. Merken's class, and his

evaluation is gonna affect my
college grade.

You're not gonna learn
anything about teaching

from him.
All he does is read to us.

Hi, Honey, how was
cheerleading practice?

Awful. Everybody was teasing
me about Charles being
in my class.

I think it'd be fun to have
Charles in my class.

Yeah, and you would think
it's fun to go to the dentist.

You're not going to the game
on Saturday, are you?

I hadn't planned on it.

Well good. Because it's my
first time cheerleading,

and I don't need
any more humiliation.

Jamie, I think you're being
unfair to Charles.

It can't be all bad having
him in your class.

No. The good part
is it's temporary.

Sarah, could you take this
upstairs- [doorbell]
Dinner's in 30 minutes.

Hey, Buddy.
- Hey, Charles.

Oh, oh, Mrs. Powell, perfect.
Charles, I've really been

getting into my survey.
Mrs. Powell, do you mind if I
ask you a few questions?

No, that would be fine.

Great!
Okay, first, uh, are you

married, single, or none
of the above.

Married.
- Good! Good!

Okay, sex?

I beg your pardon?

Sex. I mean, are you male,
female, or none of the above?

Buddy, why don't you ask
questions that you don't know
the answers to.

How old are you?

I have a roast in the oven.

Roast in the oven?

Mrs. Powell is pregnant?!

Buddy, you know, I think we
need to get a little bit more
oxygen to your brain.

Well not now, I'm busy.
Charles, would you mind
answering a few questions?

Buddy, I'll tell you what,
why don't you make it a
telephone survey?

Alright? I have to study.

[phone ringing]

Hello, Charles?
This is Buddy.

Charles, could I see you for
a minute?

Alright, class, get to work.

What do you want?

Uh, Mr. Merken, you asked me
to come up here.

Right.

I have to go to a teacher's
meeting, I want you to take
over the class today.

What, no, Mr. Merken, I'm not
ready for that yet.

Don't bug me Charles,
I'm a nervous wreck.

Well, I know how you feel,
but--

Nobody knows how I feel.

I'm sorry,
I don't know how you feel.
- Right.

Listen, just read Chapter 8,
use the chart, and don't turn
your back on them.

I got a can of mace in the
top drawer, only use it if
you have to.

I'm running a little low.
Okay, class. I have a meeting
to attend,

I'm leaving
Charles in charge.

You break him, you have to
pay for him.

My mom said having Charles
here couldn't be all bad,
this should be fun.

[gossiping in whispers]

Yo!

Alright. [clears throat]

Um...
Chapter 8.

Aspects of Human Sexua-

Well let's move on to
Chapter 9, now,

the Cardiovascular System,
alright?

But Charles, Mr. Merken said
we have to study Chapter 8.

Right, Chapter 8.
[clears throat nervously]

Aspects of Human Se-
Se-

Sexuality.

Thank you, Ms. Powell.

Well come on Charles, if you
can't say it, how are you
gonna teach it?

Hey, you better cool it Jamie.

Come on, it's only Charles.

Quiet, please, now.
[clears throat again]

[reading]
Human beings reproduce
by the function of our-

[mumbling] sexual anatomy.

What?

Please, speak up, Charles.

Sexual anatomy.

The sexual structures of the
female and male

are first in the male,
the um, um...

[laughs nervously]

Well, you know what, why
don't we take a look at the
chart, okay?

Whoa! Well...

We don't need to look at the
chart, we've all been to the
beach before.

[mumbling nervously]
[indistinct]

Isn't there do's and don't's
of dating?

Well you tell us the do's and
don't's of dating, Charles.

Jamie, heh.

How far should we go
on our first date?

I'm warning you.

Or better yet, why don't you
tell us what you

and Gwendolyn Pierce did
on your first date.

[class] Ooooh.

Alright Ms. Powell, you just
earned yourself three hours
of detention on Saturday.

Get real, Charles,
I'm cheerleading on Saturday.

Not this Saturday,
you're not.

[slams door]

Hey, hey, what's
all the slamming?

What's going on?

Jamie, I thought you were
supposed to be at
cheerleading practice.

What's the point?
I can't go to the game on
Saturday,

Charles put me on detention.

Charles!
Front and center!

Yes, Mr. Powell?

You put Jamie on detention?

Yes, Mr. Powell.

On Saturday?
How could you?

Way to go, Charles.

Adam, you're a traitor.

I think you should have sent
her to a reform school.

I think I'm going to punch
your lights out.

Hey, kids! Kids!
Kids! Hey!

Charles, why did you put
Jamie on detention?

Well, because she was
disrupting the class.

Charles, I will not have you
treating my grandchild like a
juvenile delinquent.

Dad, I'm sure that Charles
thought he had a good reason.
I just hope he was right.

[doorbell]
Doorbell!

How could he be right, Ellen,
he's wrong.

Hi Charles!

How come they uh, how come
they look like they look?

Because your friend Charles
put my little Jamie on
detention this Saturday.

I had to, Mr. Powell.
- Now, that's what you say.

Ooh, ooh, ohh!

This is perfect for my
survey, Charles!

We have representatives of
three age groups here.

And by getting their opinion,
I can project how the entire
country will feel

about you
putting Jamie on detention!
- Buddy, please.

Mrs. Powell, what do you think?

I think that I need to talk
to Charles about this, I'll
be in the kitchen.

Mr. Powell, what do you think?

I think you're an idiot!

I'll just put him down as
undecided. Charles...

Buddy, this is not a matter of
opinion here, okay?

I had to put Jamie on detention.

Oh, so, then it wasn't personal?
- No.

I was teaching a chapter on
human sexuality, and she
started acting up.

So I did what any other
teacher would have done.

Well, what do you mean she
was acting up?

She was heckling me.

I mean, the, the second I
said the word sexuality,

she brought up
Gwendolyn Pierce's name.

Oh, so, it was personal.
- No!

Oh you mean, you would have
given any student detention
on Saturday

that mentioned Gwendolyn Pierce.
- Yes.

Well, no, come on, no Buddy,
I mean, nobody else knows
about Gwendolyn Pierce.

Nobody except Jamie.
I mean, the girl who wants to
cheerlead on Saturday.

Buddy, who's side are you on?
Why don't you ask Jamie if
she would have acted this way

if it were another teacher?
- Can I really?

Thanks!

[sighs]

Uh, Mr. Merken's gonna be a
little late, so uh, I'm gonna
take over the class, alright.

Now, I know we got off on the
wrong foot, yesterday,

and I'm hoping we could do a
little bit better today. Okay?

So, take out your books,
Chapter 8.

Sex and Dating.

There are many conflicts that
arise in sexual relationships.

Sexual responses integrate
both physical and
psychological reactions that...

[sighs]
Look.

What this is really saying is
that sex and dating is a very
complicated issue.

Tell me about it.

Now, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you tell me.

What do you find complicated
about sex and dating?

Well, girls.
They make it complicated.

I mean, they try and dress as
sexy as they can.

And then they yell at
guys for being interested
in their bodies.

[class laughs]

Alright, what do you girls
think about that, huh?

Jamie?
- Don't ask me.

She knows I'm right.
- You are not.

Why isn't he?

Well guys are more confusing
than girls are.

They get mad if you say no,

but they don't want to be
seen with the girls who say yes.

I don't even know any girls
who say yes.

Alright, you see, there's
gotta be some reason for that.

Let's find out why all these
girls are saying no, okay?

Anybody?

Alright, now, we've come up
with a uh, a lot of problems

about sex and dating, but you
know what, we don't have any
solutions.

Jamie.

Well, I think men and women
should communicate more.

Ah, good.
Good, more communication.
What else, Peter?

How can we communicate?
Girls don't think about sex
like guys do.

Oh well, what do you girls
think about that? Tina?

No, we think about sex just
as much as the guys.

You should hear what goes on
in the girl's locker room.
[class laughs]

Is that an invitation?

Alright, this is good,
because now, tonight when you

study, it will be more than
just words to you.

What we're dealing with
is ideas.

Charles!

Did they brainwash you?
Why aren't you reading
the lesson?

Well Mr. Merken, we sort of
got into a discussion about
the lesson.

They were laughing, Charles.
Laughing comes right before
hostage taking.

This isn't gonna look good on
your evaluation.

But Mr. Merken,doesn't it
make any difference
what we think of him?

No it doesn't, Mr. Curtis.

You're not here to think,
you're here to learn.

But we did learn.

Yeah, we probably learned
more today than we have
all semester.

[class agreeing]

I may not like Charles
as a person, but I think
he's a great teacher.

[bell rings]

Alright, class dismissed,
get outta here you
juvenile delinquents.

You let them talk, Charles.

I know how you feel.

Nobody knows how I feel!
- I know how you feel.

Nobody knows how I feel,
Charles!

Everybody knows how you feel!
- Nobo- really?

Yes, Mr. Merken!

These are not students from
the 60s, they're not looking
for a confrontation.

They're looking to participate
in their education.

I don't know,
maybe you're right.

I must admit, they did seem
interested for a change.

The main thing is, that you
got up in front of the class

and gave a talk, and you were
able to do it.

So I guess my plan didn't
backfire after all.

Your plan?

You mean, you faked that
teacher's meeting

so I would have to teach this
class alone?

Yeah, pretty tricky, huh?

I just thought I'd give you
a chance to find out for

yourself whether you could
really teach or not.

You did a good job, Charles,
I'm gonna pass that on to
your colleagues.

Good luck to you.
- Thank you.

Ahh!

Congratulations, Charles.
- You heard, huh?

Well, thanks for sticking up
for me.

It wasn't personal.
You did a good job.

Yeah, but you still hate me.

Well you gave me three hours
of detention on Saturday.

I don't think what I did was
that wrong.

No, it wasn't that wrong,
Jamie, but it was wrong.

Alright?

When I was in this class,
I wasn't Charles,
I was a teacher.

Now what would have
any other teacher given you
for disrupting the class?

Huh?
- Well, I don't know.

Maybe an hour of detention.
But not on a weekend.

Yeah, but you admit that you
were wrong.

Well, Buddy talked to me
about it.

And believe it or not, he
convinced me that I was out
of line.

A little.

Well that's funny, because
uh, I talked to Buddy too and
it seems that

I overreacted a little,
so, um...

I changed your punishment to
one hour of detention after
school on Monday.

You did?
- Mm-hmm.

That means I can go
to the game on Saturday!

Charles, you really are
a great teacher.

I know.

Friends?
- Friends.

Let's go.

You know, teaching
is very difficult.

For me, life is difficult.
- I know how you feel.

Nobody knows how I feel!

[music]

Hi Charles! You missed a great
game, and a great cheerleader!

Yeah!
- We won!

Charles, I'm glad you came to
your senses about Jamie.

I always love it when you
realize you're wrong.

Thanks again, Charles.

Charles, Charles, it's done.
Here's my survey.

I call it the "Lembeck Report."
Now listen to this,

of the 100 college women
I interviewed,

in kissing on the first date.

Twenty-seven percent believe
in pre-marital relations,

and 99 percent
slapped me when I asked them
the next question.

Oh, and if you're
wondering about the one
percent left over,

I have a date with her tonight!

[theme song plays ♪ ]