03x26 - May the Best Man Lose

[bunniefuu]

♪

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ he's there just to take
good care of me ♪

♪ like he's one
of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ and I sing, I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ and I sing, I want ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

Charles, I'm cursed.

All I have is bad luck.

Thanks for sharing it
with me, Buddy.

Nothing goes right for me.
Why can't I be more like you?

You've got it all together.

Oh, you think so, huh?
Buddy, underneath this calm

exterior there is
a ticking time b*mb.

You think it's easy keeping my
eye on three kids,

keeping my grades up and
having a social life,

all at the same time, huh?

I'm telling ya, if one more
demand is made of me

I'm gonna explode.
- Charles, you gotta help me!

Hit the deck, Sarah.
He's about to blow!

Charles, the city schools
are having a Roman Fact Forum

and the proceeds will all go
to the Children's Hospital.

Oh, yeah, I heard about that.

It will be just like
in Ancient Rome.

Each class has to choose
a Copeland College student

to be their gladiator.

Yeah, well you can
count me out, Sarah.

I refuse to enter any contest
were the penalty for losing

is death.

No, Buddy. Our gladiators
just have to answer questions.

The winning class
gets a trophy, Charles.

I want you to be
the ninth grade's gladiator.

Please.
- Well, I'd love to, Sarah,

but I can't.

Tell you what, think of me
as a juggler, okay?

This ball represents you kids.

This ball represents my
social life.

What represents me?

Thank you.

Now, this ball represents
my college career, so you see

I'm already juggling three
ba*ls and a cracked nut,

so I don't have any more time
for responsibilities right
now.

But, Charles, this is
important to me.

I'm not just competing against
the other classes. I'm...

I'm competing against Jamie.

Well, Sarah, you'll have to
find a gladiator

who doesn't juggle
because I just don't have

the time right now,
you understand?

Yeah, I understand.
- Okay.

Jamie's gonna get the trophy.
It's the same old story.

I work hard,
I get good grades,

but Jamie always
wins the prize.

Oh, hey Charles, we're having
a Fact Forum at school

and you are gonna be
the tenth grade gladiator.

No, I'd love to do it, Jamie...

Hold it. Don't even think
of turning me down, Charles.

You work for us. You have to
help me. It's your job.

Oh, really?
Well, it just so happens

that, uh, I'm gonna be
representing Sarah's class.

You are? I mean, he is.

Oh, swell. So, who am I
supposed to get?

This contest is gonna be
really hard.

Here, look. Just look at these
sample questions.

What is the speed
of acceleration of gravity

at sea level?
- 32 feet

per second, per second.

That's right.

What is the capital city
of Burundi?

Bujumbura.

Actually,
it's a trick question.

Burundi only has one city.

That's right.

Buddy, how come you suddenly
know anything?

Oh, well, we've been playing
a lot of trivia games

at the dorm lately and I kept
forgetting all of the answers,

so I bought a book on how to
improve your memory,

and it worked. I memorized
all the answers to every

trivia game on the market,
Charles.

I mean, if you have any
problems with your

memorization,
you should get that book.

What's the name of it?

Never mind!

Uh, except for book titles,
you seem to have total recall.

Hey, that's right. I do,
don't I?

Buddy...

My gladiator, let's go
practice in the kitchen.

Kitchen... from the latin word,
"coquere", meaning "to cook".

Charles, guess what?

Sorry, Adam. I promised to be
Sarah's gladiator.

You mean, I'm stuck with
Buddy?

No, Jamie's stuck with Buddy.
- Adam, I'll tell you what.

I will help you find
a gladiator, okay?

Even if I have to scrape
the bottom of the barrel.

Buddy is the bottom
of the barrel.

I never win anything!

Charles, I didn't think you'd
be my gladiator.

I was sure Jamie was gonna get
the trophy. Thanks.

This really means a lot to me.
- Okay.

Well, guess I could always
keep one more ball in the air.

Okay, Charles.
You're in a square house,

and the windows and all four
walls face south.

Where are you?

Uh... Oh, the North Pole.
- Right.

Okay, Buddy. How many acres
are there in a hectare?

Two and a half.

I have got this trophy locked.

It was probably just
a lucky guess.

Lucky? I bet Charles
doesn't know the chief export

of Zanzibar.
- Oh yeah?

Well, I bet Charles
doesn't care.

Come on, you guys. We're doing
this for charity.

It doesn't matter who wins.

We want to make a donation
to the Children's Hospital,

right Buddy?
- Cloves?

What? No. Money. What would
the Children's Hospital

possibly do with cloves?

No, the chief export
of Zanzibar is cloves.

Right!

Hi! Guess what? I think I'm
gonna win the Fact Forum.

Well, think again, Adam,
because I am gonna win.

Oh, no you're not, Jamie.
This time I'm going to win.

Charles, I got tired of
waiting for you to help me,

so I got my own gladiator.
He's coming over to practice.

Oh, good, Adam. Want a soda?
- Sure.

Who'd you get?

Oh, I got Kevin Holloway's
older brother.

Adam, you got Herman Holloway?

The guy's a football player.
He's a good football player,

but he's a little weak in some
of the scholastic areas,

you know, like, uh, geography,
history, reading, math, uh...

Yeah, spelling his name
correctly...

Adam, you've had it, boy.
That Herman Holloway is dumb!

I mean, that guy...
that guy's really dumb.

Herman, good lord,
you're smart.

Were you laughing at me,
Lembeck?

No. Uh, I was just exercising.
It's the latest thing.

It's called aerobic chuckling.
A-ha-ha!

So, uh, Herman, good luck
in the Fact Forum tomorrow.

He doesn't need luck, Charles.

Yeah, I doesn't need luck,
Charles.

I been in more than a hundred
fist fights

and I haven't lost one yet.

Tomorrow's event is an
intellectual event.

There's not gonna be
any fist fights.

There will be if I don't win
the contest.

Mr. Powell, ask me a question.
Any question at all.

Go ahead, Mr. Powell!
- No, no, no!

If I do, you'll give me an
answer and before you know it

we'll be having a
conversation.

Hey, Mr. Powell.
Hey, Buddy.

Oh, hi Charles.

Oh, Charles,
your mother called.

She said she's donating
the use of her pizza parlor

for the first round of that,
uh, Fact Forum.

Oh, great!
- Well, I don't care

where it is. I'm hot.
Go ahead, Mr. Powell.

Ask me a question.
Ask me anything at all.

Lembeck, why are you
bothering me?

No, that's too easy!

You have to ask me
something hard!

Charles!

He can't help it, Mr. Powell.
He's his own worst enemy.

Not as long as I'm alive,
he isn't.

You're taking this thing
way too seriously.

It's only a game.
- Not to me, it isn't.

Charles, I wanna win,
I need to win,

and I'm gonna win, unless, of
course, you win.

How much do you want to drop
out of the contest?

Snap out of it!

At least you don't have to
worry about Herman Holloway.

Well, you should both worry
about Herman Holloway.

He said that if anyone beats
him tonight,

he'd rearrange their face.

Charles, you can quit if you
want to. I wouldn't blame you.

Yeah, that's a good idea.
You should quit.

No, no. I made a commitment.
I'm gonna honor it.

I'm gonna be your gladiator,
and nothing, not even

Herman Holloway, will make me
change my mind.

Nothing? I'm glad to hear you
say that, Charles, because

we just picked up your
costumes for the Fact Forum.

Costumes?
- Quit!

You want me to wear a dress?

El Passo.

That's right, Charles.
It is insulting, so I think

you should just drop out
of the contest.

It's not a dress,
it's a Roman toga.

Get it?
Forum, gladiator, toga...

Charles, remember what you
just said about commitment.

Oh...

Alright, I said I'll be
your gladiator,

and I'll be your gladiator.

Give me my toga-dress.

Fine, Charles, don't drop out
of the contest, and if those

fraternity guys try anything
funny, just tell 'em

you're not that kinda girl.

I feel like an idiot.

At least the tough part
is over.

Nothing's more embarrassing
than wearing this stuff.

Hi, Charles.

What's that guy doin'
with the pies?

Those pies? Oh, I guess
I should have warned you.

Don't worry, they won't
hit you with a pie

unless you give
the wrong answer.

Sarah, I'm scared of little
pie, you know. That's not it.

Uh, it's just the principle
of the thing.

The principle is, you made
a commitment to Sarah.

Don't listen to her, Charles.
You should just drop out

of the contest right now.

No, no, no. I said I'll do it,
and I'll do it.

Besides, they only hit you
in the face with a pie

if you get the answer wrong,
right?

So I'll get all
the answers right. Let's go.

Thanks, Charles.
- Alright.

Hey, you guys.
Remember what I told ya.

I'm planning to win tonight
so, if you're smart,

you'll quit
before you're ahead.

We don't know the meaning
of the word "quit", Herman.

"Quit"?

No, it's, uh, it's like
when you stop doin' somethin'.

[gavel banging]

Go, Charles!
- Win, Herman!

Get real, Adam.

And now, our Roman Fact Forum
continues.

The first question is for
Charles,

the gladiator representing
the ninth grade.

Charles, what kind of triangle
has two equal sides?

Um...

Uh, i-i-isosceles?

[Nichols]: Correct.
- Yeah!

Good. Now for Buddy.
In five seconds,

name the only US state that
ends with the letter "K".

Uh, well it can't be
Illinoik, so, uh...

it must be New York.
[Nichols]: Right.

Good luck, Herman.

Next question.

What was Babe Ruth's
middle name? Oh...

This one is for the seventh
grade's gladiator,

Herbert Holloway.

Herman! The name's Herman.

That's correct.
"George Herman Ruth".

[Nichols]:
Now, for a toss-up question.

You're an outside linebacker
in a double-prevent defense,

and the other team runs
a power sweep behind

the pulling guard.
What do you do? Buddy?

Uh, injure the quarterback?

[buzzer sounds]

Charles?

Well, look...
If you'll all excuse me, uh...

Uh, Charles...

You, um... [clears throat]

You... you'd tackle
the ball carrier.

[buzzer sounds]

Can you take it, Mr. Holloway?
- Yeah.

If the tight end goes out,
you cover the slotback.

Otherwise you help out
the weak side safety

and let the strong safety
plug the hole.

[Nichols]: That's correct.

This is a piece of cake.

Pie!

Oh, Adam, you're home, huh?
Where are your sisters?

They're coming.

Well, how'd the Fact Forum go
tonight?

Charles and Buddy are ahead
in points.

Herman started out great.
then he fell apart.

I'm sick of being the youngest
and the smallest and the last.

Adam, that's good. It'll only
make you try harder, huh?

Listen, if you can't
out-muscle 'em, huh,

out-smart 'em.

Think how I feel, Charles.
I'm not only sticky,

but behind in points.

Charles, tomorrow the finals
are going to be held

at my school.

My teacher said they don't
throw pies in the finals.

Really, Sarah?

Well, what do they throw?
Baseballs? Javelins?

Flaming spears?

You're mad at me, aren't you?
- Oh-h*! No, I'm not mad.

No, I'm hungry.

I'd like a little food
on the inside of my body

for a change.

Excuse me, I'm gonna go
make a sandwich.

Can I get you some dessert?

No, thank you. I'll just
eat my face.

Okay, Buddy, so who's gonna
win tomorrow?

We are!!!
- Right! ...Ew.

Come on, Adam. Cheer up.
Herman's still in the race.

Forget it, Buddy.

Herman thought the Magna Carta
was an Italian sports car.

The truth is,
I want Sarah to win.

Why Sarah?

Well, Sarah never wins anything.

Jamie doesn't need to win.

Jamie always gets
what she wants.

If Sarah loses tomorrow,
she'll be destroyed for life.

But she could win...
but only if you lose.

Adam, you're not suggesting
that... that I throw the match,

are you?

I... I can't throw the match.

Well, I... I guess I could
throw the match.

Nobody would know, and Jamie
does always get what she wants

You... you're right, Adam.
Sarah has to win.

Oh, Charles. I'll see you
tomorrow, and, uh,

may the best man lose.

What'd he mean by that?

Uh, he's really depressed,
Charles.

Buddy never wins anything.

Sarah doesn't need to win.
She's a straight "A" student.

If Buddy loses tomorrow,
he'll be destroyed for life.

Come to think of it,
Buddy never has won anything,

has he?

You're right, Adam.
I hope he does win tomorrow.

Well, he could win...
but only if you lose.

Oh yeah?

I'm telling you, you can win!

You will win!
- No, Charles.

I'm not going to win!

I promise you, Buddy, all you
have to do is concentrate

and you'll win.
- You can't promise me

that I'm going to win,
because I know that

Sarah's going to win.

Hey, did it rain last night,
'cuz this telephone booth

is all full of water?

Hi! Ready for the finals?
- Ha! No pies, huh, Sarah?

What, you decide to drown us
instead?

That's it, I quit.
Buddy, you win.

No, Charles. I quit.
Sarah, congratulations.

You win.

Hold it. If both of you quit,
then nobody will win.

Charles, we didn't know about
the dunk tank.

Besides, it's only water.

Yeah, she's right, Buddy.
If we both quit,

it won't do us any good.

If we both quit,
nobody'll win.

I wouldn't say that.
- Alright, Herman!

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the final and deciding round

of the Fact Forum.

Our first question goes
to the representative

from the seventh grade.

Tell, us, Herbert,
what famous musician

had a band called
The Thundering Herd?

Herman! It's Herman!
- That's correct.

Woody Herman.

Now Charles, another question
in logic.

You're in a square house,
and the windows

and all four walls face south.
Where are you?

Charles knows this one.

It was one of the
sample questions.

Pittsburg.
[buzzer sounds]

Wrong. The correct answer was
"The North Pole".

Oh, right.

How could he miss that?

Sarah, does the word "choke"
ring a bell?

I can almost feel that trophy
in my hand.

Now, here's Buddy,
the gladiator

for the tenth grade.
Buddy, tell us...

What is the chief export
of Zanzibar?

The chief export of Zanzibar
is, uh...

mud.

[buzzer sounds]

[buzzer sounds]

[buzzer sounds]

[buzzer sounds]

Charles, how could you
do this to me?

You were trying to lose
just so Buddy could win!

Is that why you're doing that?
Charles, that's sweet of you.

Don't ever call me sweet
when I'm wearing a dress.

Why are you
throwing the match?

Yeah, Buddy, why?

Jamie, your sister
never wins anything.

Buddy, thanks, but I really
don't wanna win that way.

And I don't wanna lose
that way.

It just isn't honest.

She's right, Buddy.
This isn't working.

From now on, I'm playing to
win. How about you?

Okay. You asked for it.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a three-way tie.

That means
a sudden death play-off.

One multiple choice question.
The first gladiator

with the right answer
wins the trophy for his class.

Now, Buddy, Charles, Herbert,
in that order.

It's Herman, you yutz!

Alright, Buddy. What is
Shakespeare's bloodiest play?

Hamlet , Macbeth
or Romeo and Juliet ?

That's easy. Everybody croaked
in Romeo and Juliet .

[buzzer sounds]

Close, but no trophy.

That, of course, reduced the
odds for our next gladiator.

[Nichols]: Charles.
- yeah, yeah, yeah.

Same question. What is
Shakespeare's bloodiest play?

Hamlet , Macbeth
or Romeo and Juliet ?

Well, we know that it's not
Romeo and Juliet .

Bloodiest?

Uh, well...

Uh, it's gotta be Hamlet .
[buzzer sounds]

Mr. Holloway, it's clear
that you will be our winner.

Nevertheless, to abide
by the rules,

I have to repeat the question.

What is Shakespeare's
bloodiest play? Heh!

Hamlet, Macbeth
or Romeo and Juliet?

Uh, well, it's just a guess,
but I'll... I'll say...

Macbeth ?
- Right!

The trophy goes to
the seventh grade!

For the first time in my life,
I won!

Congratulations, Adam.
- Congratulations, Adam.

Yeah, congratulations, Adam.
- I'm happy for you, Adam.

Buddy, thanks for wanting me
to win.

Oh, don't thank me,
thank Adam.

He talked me into it.

Adam?

He talked me into throwing the
match so that you could win.

Excuse me, I think I need
a gladiator...

Come back here, you little
con-man.

Herman!

Arghhh!!!

Herman will never think to
look for us in here.

Aha!!!
[Charles and Buddy scream]

Alright, back off, Herman.
Back off.

Herman, freeze!

You lay one finger on Charles,
and I'll jump.

You... you're bluffin', Lembeck.

Oh yeah? Try me.

Okay!
You win this round,

but the opera ain't over
'til the fat lady eats!

Unbelievable!

I don't believe that guy.
He's really gullible. I mean,

I... I was totally bluffing.
He could have strangled you

and I wouldn't have jumped.
[Charles laughing]

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ and I see, I want, I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪