05x06 - Judge Not Lest Ye Beheaded

[bunniefuu]

♪

♪ ♪

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just
to take good care of me ♪

♪ like he's one
of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I see, I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I see, I want ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge of me ♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[Charles]: You know, I gotta
tell you something, Valerie.

Fate is a very
funny thing, you know.

I mean, if my frog,
hadn't jumped into your lap
in Biology class,

we never would have met.

I don't think fate
had much to do with it.

I mean, you threw it
into my lap.

Me?
No!

No, it hopped onto your lap.
- Charles, the frog was dead.

[stammers]
Well, that, see?

Only fate could make
a dead frog jump that far.

Right.
So, are we getting
together tonight?

Tonight?
Tonight?

Tonight?
Uh... well, uh.

You know, oh,
see, I'm busy tonight

but-but
I'm really looking forward
to seeing you tomorrow night.

Oh, okay.

Tell me the truth, Charles.

Are you seeing anyone else?

What do you think?

Charles, Charles,
great news, great news!

Buddy, I'm busy right now.
It'll have to wait.

- Are you through now?
- Buddy, get a life.

It's okay, Charles.
I have to go anyway.

- No, I can't...
- See you tomorrow.

- Bye.
- Now, Charles?

Now?
Now do you want
to hear my good news?

Come on,
it's really good news.

Now, Charles?
- Okay.
- Huh?

Huh?
It's really good news.

Now?
- Hi, Charles.

Oh, uh,
Buddy, i-it'll have to wait.

I-I'm about to be busy again.

You know, Charles,
I canceled my plans
for tomorrow night,

so if you're available,
I am.

[stammers] Tomorrow night?
Tomorrow night?

Tomorrow night?
Um, uh...

Oh, darn it, Wendy,
I'm-I'm gonna be busy
tomorrow night

but you know,
I'm-I'm really looking forward
to seeing you tonight.

Okay.
Tell me the truth, Charles.

Is there another woman
in your life?

What do you think?

Are you still busy, Charles?
- Yes!

It's okay,
I'll see you tonight.

Rest up.

Rest up?

Rest up, Charles?
You're amazing.

How do you keep
two women on a string

without one woman finding out
about the other one?
- I don't.

I mean, I do,
but I gotta stop it, Buddy.

I mean,
Wendy and Valerie don't deserve
this kind of treatment.

I'm gonna have
to choose between them.

Oh, that's my good news,
Charles.

You don't get to choose
between two women,

you'll have your choice
of 20 women.

What?

- Charles, did Buddy
tell you the good news?
- No.

We are holding
a Miss Yesterday Cafe
Beauty Contest

right here
at the diner.

Yes, and the winner goes on

to the Miss New Brunswick
Beauty Pageant.
- No, Mom.

You can't hold
a beauty pageant here.

It'll cheapen the diner.

Oh, sweetheart,
it's being sponsored by
the Chamber of Commerce.

It'll be good for business,
you'll see.

You're not thinking
clearly, Charles.

The reason you'll have
your choice of 20 women

is because you and I
are gonna be the judges
of this beauty contest.

No, oh, no way, Buddy.
Are you kidding me?

If Wendy and Valerie find out
I was judging
a beauty contest,

they'd both k*ll me.
- So what?

Twenty beautiful women
is worth a little death.

Sweetheart,
do you really think

I'm making a mistake
having a beauty contest here?

Yeah, Mom, I really do.

Well, if you feel
that strongly about it,

go over and tell those girls
filling out their applications

that the contest is off.

Gladly.
Excuse me.

Excuse me, ladies,
I have something to say.

Welcome to our beauty pageant!

My name is Charles
and I'll be one of the judges.

How are you?

I really gotta pat myself
on the back this time, Charles.

Just you, me,
and all those women.

Was this a good idea, or what?

[Charles]: Oh, yeah.
Good, but dangerous, Buddy.

I mean, if Wendy and Valerie
find out about each other,

I'm dead.

If Wendy and Valery
find out that I'm judging
a beauty contest,

I'm dead.

You're talking
to a dead man, Buddy.

- Charles.
- Hi.

Wendy called
while you were out.

- Oh.
- And so did Valerie.

Do they know about each other?

Uh, actually, no.

[scoffs]
Well, are you gonna do
the right thing or what?

Well, I'm trying
to do the right thing, Adam.

I just have to treat
each woman

with the courtesy
and the respect
that she deserves.

I don't care
about your bimbo problems.

[scoffs] I meant,

are you gonna pay me 50 bucks
to keep my mouth shut.

Adam, a good role model
never gives into blackmail.

I don't need
a good role model, Charles.

I need cash.

All right, beat it.
[doorbell rings]

[clears throat]

Valerie, hi.
Aren't you a little early?

No, I can't stay.
I just wanted to let you know,

that I entered
the beauty contest

and then I heard that you
were gonna be a judge.

That's great
because I'm sure

you'll judge the contest
with total objectivity.

Bye.

Now, you see, Charles.

I told you being a judge
would have its rewards.

[Charles]:
Are you nuts?

I gotta be objective with-with
Valerie in the contest.
- Charles.

- Yeah?
- I turned this house
upside down

looking for
my math book.

Have you seen it?

No, but I am surprised
that you're looking for it.

Since when are you
interested in homework?

This has nothing to do
with homework.

I wrote Roger Benten's
number on the inside cover.

[Charles]:
Oh.

Charles, how could your mother
hold a beauty contest
in her diner?

Beauty contests are
cheap and degrading.

Oh, not this one.

Charles and I
are gonna be the judges.

What?

Charles, I can't believe

you'd be involved
with exploiting women.

Come off it, Sarah!

The only women who have
anything against beauty pageants

are the women
who can't win them.

Maybe so, but the only women
who can win beauty pageants

are the ones who can't
spell the words "pageant,"

"beauty,"
or "win."

Win.
C-Capital w... i-n-n.

[doorbell rings]
No, capital W-y-n-n.

No, win, win-win.
W-h-i...W.

[Buddy]:
Win.

[Charles]:
Hi.

Hi, Charles.
[Charles coughs]

I just heard about
the beauty contest
at your mother's diner.

Was that true
you're gonna be a judge?

Well, um,
I-I was gonna tell you.

Well, that's terrific
because I'm gonna be
one of the contestants.

And I just know that
this will be a great opportunity
for the both of us.

Bye.

Right.
[groans] Great.

Now I got...

Now I got two girlfriends
in the contest, Buddy.
I can't win.

Of course you can't.

You can't even enter;
the contest is for girls only.

You know, those nuts
are getting to your head.

I can't win
with Valerie and Wendy.

Well, of course
you can, Charles.

All you have to do
is tell each girl
that you voted for her

but the other two judges
voted against her.

Who's the third judge?

Oh, the Chamber of Commerce
hasn't picked him yet.

But they want somebody
who's decent and honorable.

Someone who's against
everything I stand for.

What do you stand for?

I always stand
for the National Anthem.

♪ ♪

Mom, what's
Woody Woodpecker doing?

Oh, Buddy volunteered
to build the stage
for the beauty contest.

Sweetheart, you are
just in time.

Would you help me go over
these applications.
- Oh, I can't right now, Mom.

I-I-I just came by
to ask you some advice.

Listen.

Wendy and Valerie
are both gonna be
in this beauty pageant.

All right, and they
both expect my vote.

What should I do?

- How much time do I have?
- None.

I have to pick up a book
at the library

and I-I'm running late.
- Oh.

Doodlebug, let me tell you
a little story.

When I was your age,

I was dating both your father
and Frankie Romano.

One night, I had a date
with Frankie

but he didn't show up on time.

So I went to the drug store,
I ran into your father,

and that's when
he proposed to me.

Later, I found out
Frankie's watch had stopped.

Hmm.

Mom, what does that mean?

It means,
if you keep running late
like Frankie did,

you won't get to the library
before it closes.

Oh.
Thank you.

Mom, that's not the problem
I needed help with.

Sweetheart, I solve them
in the order that I get them.

- Hey, Charles.
- Oh, hi.

Buddy told me about
Wendy and Valerie both entering
the beauty pageant

so I decided to help you.

Oh, I appreciate
your concern, Jamie,

but I'll find
my own solution, thanks.

No, you don't understand.
I am your solution.

You?

Yeah, the Chamber of Commerce
just accepted my application.

Now you don't have
to vote for Wendy or Valerie.

I am gonna be
in the contest.

[thud]
[thud]

Whoops.

- Hey, Charles.
- Hey, Adam.
What's up?

Um.

Jamie told me
that you're gonna vote
for her in the contest.

She did?
Why would she say that?

I don't know.

[stammers] I hope
I won't let it slip out

when Wendy or Valerie call.

Still looking for

No.

And-and I want to apologize.

I should've never
even asked for 50 bucks.

You're like family, Charles.

Thanks, Adam.

And you're in luck

because this week
I'm running a family special.

For the low, low price
of $39.95,

I will keep your life

from becoming
a living nightmare.

[chuckles] Well, my life
is already a living nightmare.

Thanks, Adam.

You know what your problem is?

You don't understand
how blackmail
is supposed to work.

Charles, guess what?

I found the perfect gown
to wear in the beauty contest.
- Good.

Jamie,
I have to talk with you.
Sit down.

- Charles, we have to talk.
- Take a number, Sarah.

Listen.

Jamie,

I want you to reconsider
being in this beauty pageant.

See, Sarah was right.

Beauty pageants do-do nothing

but exploit
a woman's physical qualities

with no regard
for their intellect.

So?

Tell her, Sarah.

- Charles is right, Jamie.
- Thank you.

But since he's going
to be one of the judges,

I know this contest
will be different.

That's why I decided
I'm going to enter too.

♪ ♪

What do you mean
you don't see the problem,
Buddy?

What--

Wendy, Valerie,

Jamie, and Sarah
are all in the contest

and they all expect my vote.

I gotta find a way
out of this.

Charles, I keep telling you.

You have nothing
to worry about.

Just tell each girl
that you voted for her

but that the other judge and I
voted against her.

Who's this alleged third judge

that the Chamber of Commerce
hasn't picked yet?

Didn't I tell you?
They picked Professor Berger.

Proph--
Professor Berger,
my Ethics professor?

Do you have any idea
what he'll do to me?

When he finds out
I'm involved in this mess?

Buddy, he'll tell me
I can't be a judge!

[groans] Yeah!
This is perfect.

He'll tell me
I can't be a judge, Buddy.

This is un--
this is unbelievable.

See, nobody would blame me

when they find out
that my professor
won't let me be a judge.

- I will.
- Who cares?

Come on, I gotta go see
Professor Berger.

Sarah.
Sarah, I'm young and confused.

I don't understand
how a feminist like you

could enter
a beauty contest.

I have my reasons.

Sarah, I thought
beauty contests

went against
everything you believed in.

Don't touch me.

[sighs]

Be honest, Sarah.

When the chips were down,
you sold out.

I didn't sell out.

I just entered
the stupid beauty contest

to blow the top off of it.

Great, I love a topless
beauty contest.

No, Adam.

When it's my turn to speak,

I'm gonna publicly blast

this disgusting display
of male chauvinism.

And when I'm through,

every woman in the contest
is going to walk out.

Does Charles know about this?

Of course not.
Nobody knows about it.

Oh, Sarah.

This has definite dollar value.

Forget it, Adam.
You're not getting a dime.

If you breathe a word
of this to anyone,

Grandpa is gonna find out

about that stash
of girly magazines

you have
under your mattress.

How do blackmailers
make a decent living
in this country?

♪ ♪

[Charles]: Professor Berger?
[Berger]: Oh, Charles.

I have a problem.

Sir, I am, uh,

I hate to admit this,
but I-I am personally involved

with f-four of the women
in this beauty pageant.

- Four?
- Four.

Yes, sir, and-and that's why,

I'd totally understand
that when you tell me...

... ethically speaking,
I can't be a judge.

On the contrary, Charles.
You must be a judge.

I mean, one can maintain
his sense of ethics

when temptation
remains a stranger.

This will be a true test
of your integrity.

Well, perhaps I haven't drawn
a clear enough picture for you,
sir.

L-let me start over.
- No, Charles.

I understand perfectly.

As a matter of fact,
when this contest is over,

I want you to write an essay
on how you applied...

... your ethics
in choosing the winner.

All right?
- Yes, sir.

- Yeah.
- Yes, I'll do that.

[sighs] And-and when I'm done,
I'll mail it to you,

from Costa Rica.

♪ ♪

Sarah.
Sarah, you look stunning.

I'd vote for you in a second.
- Well, thanks.

But you're my grandpa.

And darn proud of it.
Good luck.

- Okay.
- Oh, Sarah, you look great.

Now I hate to admit it,

but if I were a judge
I'd vote for you.

Jamie, coming from you
that's a real compliment.

Did you mean it?

Well, I meant the part
about looking great.

Of course,
if I were really a judge,

I'd have to vote for myself
out of loyalty.

Hey, mama, how you doin'?
Jamie, have you seen Sarah?

Adam, that is Sarah.

See, Sarah, I told you.
You look great.

Wow, Sarah, y-you really do.
You look terrific.

Thank you, Adam.

No, I mean it.
You're beautiful.

I can't wait to see the look
on everybody's face

when you blast this contest.

Give 'em heck, Sarah.

Don't worry, I will.

Ladies and gentlemen,
attention.

Attention, please.

Valerie Howard
will now tell us

what this contest
means to her.

Valerie?

Thank you.

Whether I win or lose,

I am proud to participate
in an event

which I feel
has made great strides

in ridding the world
of hate and prejudice.

My arch enemies.

[chuckles]
Thank you.

I would like to thank Valerie

on behalf
of the entire free world.

And now,
the lovely and talented,

Sarah Powell will tell us
her feelings about this contest.

Sarah?

Hold on your seat, Grandpa.

If you think you were
proud of her before,

wait until you hear this.

[laughs]

Hi.

I didn't want
to enter this contest.

I always believed
that beauty pageants

were degrading to women.

But I've changed my mind.

For the first time in my life,

people are commending me
for something

other than my intellect.

They're seeing
the total woman.

It made me realize that

beauty contests
can give a woman

a sense of self-worth
that she never had before.

And that's exactly what
this contest has done for me.

Thank you.

What a gyp.

♪ ♪

Charles, you really
let me down.

How could you vote
for that-that Melanie girl?

- I had to, Mr. Powell.
- No, you didn't.

You could've voted for
one of my grandchildren.

Yes, sir, I know I could've.
But which one?

Oh.
I see what you mean.

You did the right
thing, Charles.

Now, they'll both hate you.
I can live with that.

[chuckles]

Hi, Charles.

Oh, Jamie, look,
I-I'm really sorry
about the contest.

Oh, that's okay.
I know you voted for me.

You did vote for me, right?

What do you think?

[chuckles]
Thank you, Charles.

And don't feel badly
about my losing

because Jeanine's Boutique
just sponsored me

in the
Miss New Brunswick Pageant.

Oh, good.
Well, anything I can do

to help you win that crown,
just let me know, Jamie.

- Thank you.
- All right.

See you later.
- Charles.
- Hi.

Oh, look, I-I know
how you feel, Sarah.

And-and I'm really sorry.

For what?
It wasn't your fault.

I know you voted for me.

Didn't you?

What do you think?

Oh, thanks.

The good news is,
my speech convinced
Binder's Book Store

to sponsor me in the
Miss New Brunswick Pageant.

Oh, that's great, Sarah!
Congratulations.

Good luck to you.
- Okay, thank you. [giggles]

[chuckles]
[Adam]: Charles.

- Yeah?
- Valerie called.

She wants to meet you
at the diner at seven o'clock.

She sounded mad.

Are you in trouble?

What do you think?

Is there any money
in it for me?

Well, that depends.
Can you keep a secret?

Yeah.

So can I.

I gotta find
another line of work.

So, Charles,
what are you gonna say

on your Ethics paper?
- Oh.

That I put aside
all personal feelings

and I voted for Melanie

because I felt that she was
the most qualified.

I thought
you voted for Melanie

because she was
the only girl in the contest
you didn't know personally.

That too.

Well, if you excuse me,
I gotta go grab a soda.

- Get me one, will you?
- All right.

- Hi, Charles.
- Hi.

Oh.

Oh, Valerie,
I'm so sorry about the contest.

I--

I fought like a dog for you.

Oh, that's okay.

I'm not upset
about losing the contest.

No, I had a great time
and I met a terrific girl.

We've become
really good friends.
- Good.

Here's your chance
to meet her.

She just came in.
- Hi, Charles.

So, did Valerie tell you
how much fun we've been having?

Uh, yeah.

It's amazing how much
Wendy and I have in common.

The same hair dresser,
the same hobbies.

The same boyfriend.

I don't suppose
that you ladies

would want to hear
my side of the story.

[both]:
What do you think?

Hey, you dropped
a meatball, Charles.

You're the meatball
I should've dropped, Buddy.

Thanks to you, W-Wendy
and Valerie just dumped me.

It doesn't matter, Charles.

Why worry about two women

when you can have your pick
of 200 women?

I just got off the phone,
it's official.

You and I are going
to be the judges

in the Miss New Brunswick
Beauty Pageant.

- Five, four, three...
- Five.

- Two.
- Four.

One.

I would run after him
but my legs are stuck together.

♪ ♪

Charles?
Are you still mad at me?

No.
I'm not mad at you, Buddy.

It was all my fault
for getting involved
with women.

Don't ever let me get involved
with another woman, okay?
- Okay.

If you see me getting involved
with another woman, stop me.

No matter what I do,
no matter what I say.

No matter how much
I beg you, stop me, okay?

- Okay.
- Thank you.

I'll go tell her
you're not interested.

[stammers] Wait, whoa.
Go tell who what?

Melanie,
she's waiting for you
at her apartment.

She wanted to thank you
personally for voting for her,

but I'm gonna tell her
you're not interested.

[Charles]:
No, no, no, Buddy.
Don't worry about it.

[stammers] I'll go.
I'll take care of this.

[Buddy]:
No.

Wait, stop.
Stop that man.

Oh, he's out of control.
Stop him.
- Buddy.

What's all the pushing about?
Is Charles mad at you?

No, but he will be
when he finds out

I haven't even spoken
to Melanie.

[laughs]

♪ ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I see, I want ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪ ♪

[fanfare]