05x16 - Up Your I.Q

[bunniefuu]

[♪

[♪ theme

[♪ theme music]

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just
to take good care of me ♪

♪ like he's one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪♪

- [Sarah] Charles?
- [Jamie] Charles?
- [Walter] Charles?

- Charles?

I'm going to change
my name.

- So am I.

- Look, I'm really dying to talk
to each and every one of you,

but I'd like to say goodbye
to Karen first, okay?

- [all]
Okay.

- Thanks, Karen.
- Goodbye, Charles.

I'll see you tonight.
- Okay.

Now, Mr. Powell,
what can I do for you?

- Well, I was on my way
to my club,

I just wanted to say goodbye,

and that's before I heard
Adam was gonna change
his name.

Charles, I want you
to tell Adam

that "Powell" is
a very distinguished name.

I want you to tell him
that he should be proud

to have "Powell"
stenciled on his underwear.

I want you to tell him now.

I could tell him myself,
but I'm late.

- Yes, sir.

Adam, why do you want
to change your name?

- Because, my teachers found out
I'm Sarah's little brother,

and now they expect
a lot from me.

I mean, somebody should
tell them I'm also
Jamie's little brother.

Then they wouldn't expect
anything from me.

- Listen, you little virus,

if you tell anyone
we're even related,

I'll change your name
to "Adam the Injured."

[Adam growls]

- All right, okay.
Come on now, Jamie.

Come on now, look.
Take it easy.

Adam, why don't you go upstairs,
do your homework,

and we'll talk about this later,
privately, okay?

- Okay, but it won't
do any good.
- All right, fine.

All right, now, Sarah,
what can I do for you?

- Well, I just wanted to say,
I'm proud of you

for dating an intelligent girl
like Karen.

- Thank you...
Jamie?

- Oh, I just wanted to know
if Todd Gordon

called while I was out.
- Um, no.

- Todd Gordon?

You mean he finally
mastered the principle
of the push-button phone?

- Look Sarah, I happen
to be going with Todd,

and he's a wonderful guy.

You know, he has letters
in baseball, basketball,
and track.

- Yeah, too bad
he can't read them.

- Well, Todd is also
captain of the football team.

It's traditional
for the homecoming queen

to date the football Captain.

- But Jamie, you're not
the homecoming queen.

- I will be, now that
I'm dating Todd.

- That's a pretty shallow
reason for dating somebody,

but why should that
surprise me?

- Charles, do you
hear this?

My own sister says
I'm shallow.

What's wrong with her?

I mean, my hairdresser
doesn't think I'm shallow,

and the sales ladies at the mall
don't think I'm shallow.

Do you think I'm shallow?

[doorbell]

- Doorbell.

- Hi, Todd!
- Hey, Todd,
what's the good word?

- What do you mean?

- Nothing, Todd.
It means, "Hello."

- [laughs]

Really?

- Um, would you like
something to eat, Todd?

- Yeah, sure.

- Todd.

We keep our food
in the kitchen.

- Oh, yeah!
Good idea.

Oh!
[laughs]

- Charles, get ready!
I'm throwing a party
Saturday night

at the Wellington Arms Hotel,
and the theme
is "Arabian Nights."

It'll just be
ten beautiful girls,
and us.

They'll be the harem,
we'll be the sultans!

Yeah!
Yeah!

- Buddy, that's very tempting,
but I can't go.

I promised I'd take Karen
to the museum Saturday night.

- Oh, Karen?
- Yeah.

- Oh Charles, she's sweet,
and she's clean,

and she's pure--
what do you see in that woman?

- She's the most intelligent
woman at Copeland College.

I mean, all the guys on campus
are dying to ask her out.

Yeah, but she's
one beautiful girl
with one brain.

I'm offering you
ten beautiful girls
with one brain.

- Does this mean you want
the sandwich back?

- It means I want you
to go away.

- Hey Todd,
what's the good word?

- Uh...
Hello?

- Wrong.
Goodbye.

I don't believe this.
Todd just broke up with me.

He said I was shallow.

Maybe he's right.
Maybe I am shallow.

- No, you're not.

Look, Buddy, I need to talk
to little Jamie alone
for a minute, okay?

- Oh, wait a minute,
I just have one question.

How come you have hair
on your upper lip?

- Because it looks better
than it did on my lower lip.

- Okay.

Well, don't forget about
the party Saturday night.

Be there, or beware.

- Look, Jamie, come on.
Todd Gordon thinks
you're shallow?

This is a man
who thinks the Cold w*r

was fought between
Dristan and Nyquil.

Do you really care
if he thinks you're shallow?

- It's not just Todd.

My entire family makes fun
of my Shallowosity.

- Ja-Jamie, they're only joking.

Come on, you're a very
beautiful girl.

Oh, so that means it's okay
for me to be shallow?

Look, I have news
for you, Charles.

I never felt beautiful.

And besides, your girlfriend
Karen is beautiful.

Now, is she shallow?

- No, she's very deep.

She's aware of the world
around her, Jamie,

and that's all there is
to being deep.

- Well, how'd she get
that way?

- I don't know.
Why don't you ask her?

Hey, yeah, why don't
you ask her?
Why don't you call her?

She'd love to teach you.

- Yeah, do you think
she'd do it?
- I'll set it up.

- All right, thanks Charles.

Charles?

I mean, you always
hang out with Karen.

Why aren't you deeper
than you are?

- I am.

- Oh.

- Hey, Jamie, how are
the cultural lessons going?

- Oh, great.
You know, I've learned more
from Karen in three days

than I've learned
from high school in two years.

- That's funny.
So have I.

- Charles, front and center.

Adam is still talking about
changing his name.
I thought you spoke to him.

- I did, sir,
but I didn't get any place.

Mr. Powell, I think that Adam
needs somebody like you,

a strong person to inspire him.

- Hmm, maybe you're right.

I am pretty inspirational.

Okay, I'll do it.
- All right, thank you.

- Charles, now I've got

I'm going to break my own record
for the number of unescorted
women at one party.

We're going to have a blast!
- Buddy, I told you, I can't go.

- But Charles, you always go
to my parties.
It's traditional.

- Well, that's a pretty
shallow reason for going
to a party.

- Can you think
of a deep reason for going
to a party?

- Buddy, I cannot go
to this party, okay?

Now, what else do you have
on your mind, besides fungus?

- Plenty, I'm going down
to the mall to pick out
some party costumes.

- To the mall?

- Yeah,
you wanna go along?

- Oh!
No, see, um,
I'm not interested in malls.

I have more important things
to do than shop for stuff
I don't need.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
For a minute there,
I thought you were Jamie.

I'll see you later, Charles.
- No, wait, Buddy, come on.

Hey, look, you--
you will not see me later!

Jamie, I'm very
impressed with you.
You certainly have changed.

- Yeah, I know, I just wish
Todd could see me now.

He sure couldn't call me
shallow anymore.

- Well, why don't you
invite him over?

I can't do that.

You don't call a guy
who breaks up with you.

Of course, if someone else
were to call him,
it would be different.

- [sighs]
All right,
what's his number?

- I don't remember,
but I think someone

wrote it on the phone
in lipstick.

- That's disgusting.

- Hello?
Hey, Todd.

Listen, it's Charles.

Yeah, I'm-I'm, uh,
calling for Jamie.

No, I--
Yeah, I know she's not there.
She's here.

Yeah, well, look, I thought
you might like to see her again,

because she's, uh--
she's changed since
the last time you saw her.

No, Todd, she didn't get
any taller.

No, Todd, she didn't go bald.

No, Todd, she didn't grow
a moustache!

Our game?
It's not going well!

Look, she's changed inside.

What do you mean,
"Inside what?"

Inside the house!
Now get over here before I pull
you through the phone wires.

[doorbell]

Karen?
- Hi, Charles.

- You're early,
I thought we were going
to the museum tonight.

- Well, we are!
I'm just here to spend
the afternoon with Jamie.

- Oh, oh, which reminds me,

you're doing such a great job
with her, Karen.

Please, allow me to thank you.

- Hi!

I think, therefore I am.

- Yes, I think you are too.

- Hi, Jamie.
Now, are you ready
to talk about

the influence of Byzantine art
on the modern world?

- Oh, sure, sounds fun.
- Yeah, well...

I'll be in the basement
if anybody needs me.

[doorbell]
- Oh, excuse me.

- Hi, Jamie.
Charles said,
I wanted to see you.

- Oh, yeah, come in, Todd.

Todd, this is my friend, Karen.

- Hi Todd.
Jamie and I were just discussing
the Byzantine Empire.

- Yes, we often do things
like that.

Karen is very deep.

- Oh.

- Yeah.
Well, I'll be right back,
excuse me.

[Jamie]
Charles!

I just introduced Todd
to Karen.

See now, once he sees
what a deep friend I have,

he's bound to want
to date me again.

Jamie, I introduced you
to Karen

so she could help you
improve your mind.

Now, I hope you're not
using her to get Todd back.

- Oh, no, of course not.

See, only a shallow person
would do that.

And I'm not shallow anymore,
thanks to you.

But, could I ask you
for one more little favor?

- Jamie, I introduced you
to Karen,

I got Todd
to come over here,

I've helped you become
a well-rounded person,

now, what else could
you possibly want?

- Well, see, I want to spend
some time alone with Todd.

I mean, couldn't you entertain
Karen down here for a while?

- Just the two of us?

Unchaperoned?

You know, I just hope
you appreciate the things
I do for you!

- Charles!
Hi!

Do you know that Todd
is absolutely intriguing?

He's never been
to the Planetarium before,

so I'm going to take him there
this afternoon.

And, I'm gonna take him
to the museum tonight, too.

He's never been there.

- You...
You...

- You're going out
with him tonight?

Well, what about me?

- Todd's a blank page, Charles.

I mean,
you're already written on.

You don't need me
like he does.

Look...
I'm sorry.

Let's go, Todd.

- But Todd!
- Are you kidding me?

- Don't you have something
to say to me?

- Oh, yeah!
[laughs]

Bye, Jamie!

- Thanks a lot, Charles!

- Thanks a lotter, Jamie!

♪♪

- Jamie, what are you
doing here?

Why aren't you out
trying to get Todd back?

- Oh, so you can get
Karen back?

Well, forget it.
I'll never get Todd back,

now that you've brought
"Little Miss Perfect"
into his life.

- Me?
You're the one
who introduced Todd to Karen!

- You invited him over!
- You practically begged me to!

- Kids, kids, kids!

If you can't play nice,
you're going to have
to go outside.

You're disturbing
my costumers.

- I'm sorry, Aunt Lillian,

but your son just destroyed
my life, again.

- I did not, you destroyed
your life, and mine.
- Children, please!

Nobody can destroy
someone else's life.

But they can destroy
somebody else's diner.

- You know, Jamie,
it isn't like you
to give up this easily.

- Well, what else can I do?

- You can try harder.

Now, obviously,
believe it or not,

Todd likes the same kind
of women I like.

Women with culture and dignity.

Now, if you want Todd back,

you're going to have
to improve your mind, Jamie.

All right?
Now, with a little work,

you could become so deep,
that you'll make Karen

look like a wading pool.

- How can I improve my mind
without help?

I mean, who's going to help me?

- Hi!

- Bingo.

Sarah, just the woman
I wanted to see.

Have a seat, listen, Jamie--

Jamie needs some culture.
Got any?

- Yeah, there's a symphony
in the park tonight.

- That's perfect!
Jamie, she loves the symphony.

She's dying to go.
Symphonies are her life.

- Are you serious, Jamie?
Oh my gosh,
it'll be so much fun!

- Charles?

Sarah is my sister.

- Yes!
Yeah, she's your
cultured sister!

I got an idea.
Before you go
to the concert,

why don't you guys go down
to the library
for a little while and browse?

- [gasps] Oh, Charles,
that's a great idea.
Let's go, Jamie!

- To the library?

- Uh-huh.
You know, the brick building
where they keep the books.

- Hi, Sarah.
Hi, Jamie.

Charles, I just saw Karen
with Todd Gordon.

I can't believe she dumped you
for that dumb high school jock.

That's awful.
That's terrible.

That's great.

That means you can go
to my party.

- Oh, no, no, thanks Buddy,
I'm not much in the mood
for a party right now.

- Fine, Charles.
Stay here, feeling sorry
for yourself,

while I entertain
in see-through pants,

and Karen goes out
with a Missing Link.

- All right, Buddy.
I'm going to this party.

Where is it at?
The Wellington Arms
Hotel, right?

- Uh...

Well, it was,
but I spent all my money
on renting costumes,

and I didn't have enough money
to pay for the hotel suite,

so I was hoping we could
have it in, uh...

Uh...

- What, in my room?
Oh, no way, Buddy.

Mr. Powell would
never allow that.

- Charles, guess what?

Grampa's gonna take me
to his club meeting tonight,

and introduce me
to all his Navy friends.

- Yes, indeedy.
Adam only wanted to change
his last name

because Sarah was so good
in school.

I think he also will reconsider

once he sees how those Navy men
treat a Powell.

- You're right, Grandpa.
I'm going to talk Sarah

into changing
her last name instead.

- Adam...

- Charles, did you hear that?
Mr. Powell won't
be home tonight.

That means we can have
the party in your room.

You think about the harem girls.

Think about
the see-through pants.

Think about Karen and Todd.

- All right, Buddy, let's do it.
We're throwing the party
in my room.

Come on.
- Wait a minute, Charles.

I'm still thinking about
the see-through pants.

♪♪

[Buddy playing
Indian Pungi poorly]

- Okay, it's time to play
"Spin the Sultan!"

[cheering]
- Whoa, hee hee hee hee!

- Round and round
and round he twirls,

when he stops,
he kisses girls!

[cheering]

- Whoa, whoa, Adam!
Don't look, don't look
don't look!

- Grandpa, I wanna tell Charles
how proud I am to be a Powell.

- Yeah, well you can
tell him later, by mail.
Come on.

- Charles.
Ch-Charles.

Stop!
- I am stopped.

Spin me, Buddy!

- Okay.
[cheers]

Whee!
A winner!

- Sarah,
I've had all the culture
I can take for one day.

Besides, I'm really worried
about Charles.

I mean, he's absolutely
crushed about losing Karen.

[whistles]

- Whee!

- Nice going, Mr. Culture!
Mr. Dignity!

Mr. Hypocrite!

- Yeah!
- Ja--Hey.
Jamie!

Jamie, wait a minute!

Buddy.
Buddy, I'm in trouble.

Jamie's...
Jamie's mad at me.

- Oh, if you think
she's mad,

you should've seen the look
on Mr. Powell's face
when he came in here.

- Mr. Powell was here?

Really?

Oh, well...

If I'm gonna die, Buddy,

I'm gonna die happy.
- Yeah!
[cheers]

- Spin me!

- Oh, what's the matter,
Charles?

Did all your little "haremettes"
have to go home?

- I was only having
a little fun, Jamie, all right?

- You know, it seems to me
you were having a lot of fun

for a guy who's supposed to be
broken-hearted.

- I guess I didn't like Karen
as much as I thought I did.

- Well, then, why were you
dating her?

- Well, I guess 'cause
everybody else wanted
to date her.

- That's worse than
dating somebody

so you can become
homecoming queen.

- It's Einstein.
- Todd.

I thought you were supposed
to be at the museum with Karen.

- Well, I was.
I got really bummed out, though.

I mean, the museum's okay,
but everything there is so old.

- Yeah, that's-that's true,
Todd.

You know, I don't know why
they don't keep that place
up to date.

- Yeah, I guess Karen
likes old things.

She wants you
to give her a call, Charles.

- I can't.

I'm saving myself
for Barbara Bush.

- Oh.

So, want to go out
and get something to eat?

- Oh, no, thanks, Todd.

I think I'm way
too shallow for you.

- [laughs]
Hey, that's okay,
so is Karen!

- What?

Are you saying that Karen
is as shallow as I am?

- Yeah.
Neither one of you
knows anything about football.

- Goodbye, Todd.

- You know,
I'm-I'm kind of glad that I'm...

I'm not going out with Karen
anymore, you know?
She wasn't my type.

But I do feel bad
about you and Todd.

- Are you kidding?

I don't even care
about Todd anymore.

See, now I have
a bigger problem.
- What?

- Well, I was bored
at the symphony,

but, see, I'd feel guilty
if I went to the mall.

[sighs]
I mean, I don't know
who I am anymore.

I don't know
if I want to be deep or shallow.

- Hey, Charles.

I just dropped the girls off
at the sorority house.

Some of them were pretty mad.
I guess I should've told them

we'd be the only two guys
at the party.

- They didn't know?

- No, they didn't even know
they were going to be
in the harem!

Believe me, I'm never
going to use women
as sex objects again.

- All right, well,
at least you learned something.

- Yeah, you know what
they wear underneath
those see-through pants?

- No.
- Darn, how am I
gonna find out?

- Buddy, I'm glad you're here.
Jamie needs some help.
Don't move.

[shouting]
Sarah!

Oh, sorry, didn't know
you were right there.

Buddy, come here
for a second, listen.

I'm gonna ask you
both a question.

Okay, now I want you all
to listen carefully.

All right, now, Sarah.

If you had three wishes,
what would they be?

- Oh, that's easy.

I'd wish for
a clean environment,

world peace,

at an end to poverty.
- [scoffs]

- All right, good, now Buddy,
what would your three wishes be?

- X-ray vision,

A portable waterbed,
and a date with Connie Chung.

- Good.
Good, okay, well--

Uh, good, thank you,
now if you don't mind,

I'd like to talk to Jamie
alone for a minute, all right?

- X-ray vision?
- I'll explain it to you.

- All right, Jamie,
sit down.
See?

See, there you have
"Deep" and "Shallow."

Right, now who would
you rather be?
Buddy or Sarah?

- Well, I don't think
I'd want to be
either one of them.

I'd rather, you know,
be somewhere in the middle.

- Well, then,
that's your answer!
The middle of the road

always gets you
to your destination.

Now, Jamie, listen to me.

You don't-- you do not
have to give up fun things
like uh...

Going to the mall, and...

You know, making holes
in your earlobes.

All right?
Just always remember
that you should make room

for the finer things in life.

Like art.

- Thank you, Charles.
- All right.

- You know,
I think that's the best advice
you've ever given me.

I think I'll do it.

- Hello, Art?

- Jamie!

- Gotcha!

- Come here.

♪♪

- Congratulations, Charles.

What a great idea,
you guys being sultans

and using women
as your harem.

I'm gonna have
a party like that.

- No, you're not, Adam.

It was a lowlife,

male-chauvinist,
sexist-pig thing to do,

we feel horrible
about it.

- I just wish there was
some way we could make it up
to those sweet sorority girls.

- Hey, maybe there is.
Okay, why don't you
go over there

and invite them
to another party.

Only this time,

let them be queens,
and you guys be their sl*ves.

- I don't know.

Why not, Charles?
I mean, it'll be
their chance to get even.

They'll be the queens,
we'll be the sl*ves.
They'll love it.

- Right, and then once
you get them over here,

you can overthrow the monarchy,
and make them your prisoners.

- Works for me.
- Let's go.

[♪ theme music]

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪♪