05x20 - Dead Puck Society

[bunniefuu]

♪

♪ ♪

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just
to take good care of me ♪

♪ like he's one
of the family ♪

♪ Charles in Charge ♪

♪ of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in Charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ and I see, I want ♪

♪ Charles in Charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in Charge ♪

♪ of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in Charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I see, I want ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ Charles in Charge of me ♪♪

Textbook, student roster,
study plan.

Sugar, flour, eggs.

Buddy, what are you doing?

I'm getting ready
to bake a boysenberry pie!

[scoffs] In this kitchen?
You're dreaming.

I am?

Then where are
all the naked women?

Buddy, please, I am substitute
teaching this week, okay?

I don't have time
for these games.

That's not my fault.

If you had taken
Home Economics like I did,

you wouldn't have
this problem.

No, I don't have a problem!

I don't have a prob-[stutters]
I'm very prepared

to substitute teach.

What I'm not prepared
for is you.

Now, does Mr. Powell
know what you're up to?

Mr. Powell has nothing
to do with this.

Look, Charles,
you took Education,

you have to teach
a high school class.

I took Home Economics, I have
to bake a boysenberry pie.

It's that easy,
it's that simple!

You cannot bake a pie
in this kitchen.

I have to, Charles.

There's no oven
in the living room.

- Hi. Charles.
[Charles]: Hi.

Is it true you're
going to teach

my history class this week?

Ooh!
Yes it is, Sarah.

And I have a study plan

that you and your classmates
are going to love.

- Hi.
- Hey, Jamie, what's up?

Jamie, guess what?

Charles is going
to be my substitute teacher.

Uh-oh, good luck, Sarah.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute, you!

What do you mean good luck?

Jamie, I taught
your class last year.

I was a humungous hit.

Well, as I recall,
you gave her detention.

And everyone had a great time!

All right, Sarah,
you wanna-you wanna hear

my brilliant plan, huh?

- Yeah.
- I'm gonna separate
you guys into a two-person,

co-ed study teams!

You mean boy-girl teams?

Well, who's gonna get
Russell Davis?

Who's Russell Davis?

Mm, he's the new
transfer student.

She means the cute
new transfer student.

So your plan's already
in trouble, Charles.

Every girl in Sarah's class

is gonna wanna
be paired up with Russell.

I won't.
I never even gave
Russell Davis a second look.

Oh, I believe it.

One look was probably
enough to get you hot for him.

- Whoo!
- That's not true! Jamie!

Just don't let it
get you down, Adam!

Maybe your hockey coach
will let you play next time.

[scoffs] I doubt it, Grandpa.

I mean, Kevin Holloway
is a great goalie,

and he's never
missed a game.

I don't mind, really.

Poor kid's trying to be
brave, but I know it must be

discouraging to him,
sitting on that bench every day.

And painful.

Hey, maybe you should get him

one of those round
donut cushions to sit on!

Better yet, maybe Buddy
can bake him one.

Don't encourage him, Charles.
Now, listen up.

I bought this
fire extinguisher.

I want my family protected
from natural disasters.

Oh, that's cute,
but how effective will it be
against an erupting volcano?

[groans]

What are you doing, Lembeck?

Oh, I'm baking
a boysenberry pie!

Why?
Who said
you could cook in my kitchen?

Mrs. Powell did.
Nya-nya-nya!

Oh, well, if Ellen said it was
okay, I guess it is.

But I want you
supervised at all times!

Charles!
- No, sir!

I-I would love to, sir,

but I-but I'm
substitute teaching this week,

and I'm very busy.

Sarah!
Sarah loves to cook.

I-she would like to help, too.
Sarah!

Oh, don't be so close.

Sarah, listen, Buddy
is taking cooking in Home Ec.

this semester and he needs you

to help him bake
a boysenberry pie.

Would you like to help him?

Yeah, I'd love to.
Anytime.

Oh, great.
Then let's get started.

Not now, I'm busy.

Charles, I'm glad you're
teaching my class, and I'm not

the least bit
interested in Russell Davis.

So, how does this
fire extinguisher work?

Well, it's so easy, an idiot
could follow the instructions.

That means you, Lembeck.

Oh, Charles,
read those instructions.

Ah, yes, sir.
[clears throat]

"To operate, pull out pin
and stand six feet away.

Maintain upright position.

Shake gently using
side-to-side motion."

Nothing's happening.
This thing must be a dud.

You're the only dud
in this room right now!

You take the extinguisher
in your hands

and you press the lever!

- Oh, like this?
- [chuckles] Yes.

Oh!

[chuckles] It's been
wonderful knowing you, Buddy.

[Charles]: So, the first thing
we're gonna learn

is that history does not
have to be boring.

[Southern accent] Well,
you could've fooled me.

If history doesn't have
to be boring, then why is it?

[fake southern accent]
Well, I'll tell you why,
Miss Scarlett.

Because all the
participants are dead.

[class giggles]

Now, you see that, history is
becoming fun already.

Is this the
American History class?

Well, I certainly hope so.
That's what I'm teaching.

Uh, didn't you have gray hair
and a mustache yesterday?

[chuckles] I'm, uh,
I'm your substitute teacher.

You must be Russell Davis.
Yeah?

Excuse me, miss,
are you in my class?

Uh, no, she just wanted
to carry my books.

You can go now, Susan.
Thanks.

Thanks, Susan.

All right, uh, Russell,
why don't you sit right here?

- Okay.
- Okay, now, unfortunately,

history is not
an exact science.

We're covering the
Civil w*r and still,

historians can't agree
on why it was fought.

Well, why not?
It's as simple as puddin'.

The Civil w*r was fought
over State's Rights.

It was a Constitutional issue.

No, it was fought
over sl*very!

It was a moral Issue.
- Now, you see that?

You see, we all
have different points of view.

That's why what I'm
going to do is,

I'm going to separate
you guys into a two-person,

co-ed study teams, okay?

You'll do all the research
together,

but you'll write
your papers separately.

Any questions?

Yeah!
Can I have Russell Davis?

[chuckles]
No, sorry ladies,

the teams were chosen
in advance by a higher power.

Me.

All right, gentlemen,
if you turn to your right,

you can say hello
to your new partner.

Hi.

My goodness, Sarah,

you sure are lucky
being the teacher's pet.

Yes, Miss Powell?

Oh, look, I...

Charles, I have
something to say.

I know what you're
gonna say, Sarah.

You don't want
Russell Davis as a partner,

but I can't help you.

Because this week,
I am just your teacher,

I'm not your friend.
- No, I just wanted to...

...I wanted to thank you

for teaming me
up with Russell.

Oh, well, that's
what friends are for.

[Southern accent]
Pardon me, I do believe
you're in my seat.

Adam, why aren't you
at hockey practice?

No point, Charles.
I'm still warming the bench.

Yeah, even so,
Adam, you should go

to practice just in case
they do call on you, you know?

They won't and I'm
glad, Charles.

I mean, I've got it made!

I get a neat uniform,
a free pass to the cafeteria,

and a bunch of tough guys
for friends.

I get it all
for doing nothing.

Oh, you mean you don't
want to play?

Adam, let me
tell you something.

Nobody gets anything
for nothing.

Here you go, Adam.
A free banana split. Hmm.

Compliments of table eight.

That's my fan club!
I'll see you later, Charles.

So, Doodlebug...

How did it go
with Sarah's class?

Oh, Mom, it was great!
You should've seen me.

Mom, I really had
those kids going.

Well, you certainly
had Sarah going.

She's been working
here all afternoon.

But at least she has
a very cute one-man-audience.

You're amazing, Sarah.
I never met anyone like you.

You're smart,
you're fun to be with,
and you're beautiful.

Oh, thanks, Russell.

- Hey, how you guys doin'?
- Hi! Well, I gotta go.

See you, Sarah.
- Was it something I said?

Oh, Russell gets
kinda nervous around teachers.

- Mm.
- He's wonderful, Charles.

[chuckles] I'm glad I picked
you a good partner, Sarah.

Hey, I didn't know you were
taking Music Appreciation

this semester.

Oh, I'm not, that's Russell's.

I was helping him
with his assignment.

What is this, Health?
Art? Geography?

Sarah, you're doin' all
of Russell's homework for him?

I don't mind, I like it.

I don't like it!

You can't let him
take advantage

of you just because
he thinks you're smart.

But he doesn't just think
I'm smart!

He also thinks I'm beautiful
and fun to be with.

He's said so.
It's okay, Charles.

Russell's learning,
and I'm learning.

Yeah, he's gonna learn
the easy way,

Sarah, and you're gonna
learn the hard way.

Charles, you gave
Russell to me.

You can't take him back now!

There's gotta be
a safer job than teaching.

Buddy, Buddy!
What are you doing?

You're not supposed to be in
here without

Sarah's supervision.

Don't blame me, Charles.

You gave her so much homework,

she doesn't have time to
supervise me.

No, I didn't give her that
much homework,

Russell Davis did.

- Where's Sarah?
- I don't know.

Well, let's go find her.

Oh, should I take my dough
with me?

No, we can use my credit card.

Thanks for all the help,
Sarah.

Oh, that's okay, Russell.

Now you can get started on
your essay.

I'm not sure I'll be able to.

Why not?
We did all the research.

Writing the essay
should be easy.

Not for me.

Every time I pick up a pencil,

I just keep writing the word
"Sarah" over and over.

Oh, that's nice, Russell,
but I don't think Charles

would see the connection
between my name

and the Civil w*r.
[giggles]

I know.

It's just that I'm so busy
thinking about you,

I can't think about
anything else.

[softly] Oh.

Hey! I know!

Since you did
all the research,

maybe you could help me
write the essay.

What do you mean, help you?

Well, you know,
jot down some ideas.

If you don't, it'll probably
take me a month to finish it.

A month?

I can write an essay
in an hour!

You can? Great!

Thanks, Sarah.
I really appreciate it.

I'll come by later
to pick it up.

I meant my essay, not yours.

Ah, oh, good, Sarah, listen.

I'm glad you're here.
I want to talk to you.

There's nothing to talk about,
Charles.

Russell just asked me
to write his essay for him!

All that sweet-talk was fake.
He was just using me.

You set this whole thing up,
Charles,

and I'll never forgive you
for it!

What, wait-wait a minute,
Sarah!

I'm sorry.
What do you want me to do?

Go tell your professor
you're not objective enough

to be a teacher, and have him
send us somebody else.

Are you kidding?

He'll kick me out of the
Education Department, Sarah!

- I can't do that.
- You'd better, because if you
don't, I will!

I can't believe
Sarah doesn't think

I'm objective enough
to be a teacher!

Hey, Charles,
look who I found.

It's Sarah, now I can get back
to baking my boysenberry pie.

Sarah, look, I'm not gonna
give up

my teaching career that
easily, okay?

We have to talk.

It's too late for talk,
Charles.

You gave me a stupid partner,

and you gave me
a stupid assignment.

I can't believe
she's that upset about

baking a pie with me!

Not the pie, Buddy.
It's Russell Davis.

He's too lazy to do his own
homework.

I'm gonna find that overgrown

little weasel, and make sure he
writes his own essay!

And then he's coming back here,

and he's gonna apologize to
Sarah.

Ah, no, wait a minute,
Charles.

You can't leave now.

Mr. Powell said somebody
had to supervise me

in the kitchen,
and-and Sarah's too busy,

and you're the only one here,
except for me,

and I'm too busy
to supervise myself.

Charles!

Kevin Holloway
just caught a puck in his mouth!

I'm gonna have to
be the goalie tomorrow.

What do I do?
I'm not ready.

I can't handle it!

Okay, I tried to warn you,
Adam.

You want the name,
you gotta play the game.

- That's it?
- Yup.

Thanks a lot!

Everybody's gotta pay
their own dues.

Starting with Russell Davis.
Watch it.

Hold it!
Hey, Adam...

Do you want to help me bake
a boysenberry pie?

I don't have time.

If I'm gonna be a goalie
tomorrow,

I should say goodbye to the
few of the things that I love.

Like, my legs, my arms,
and my skull.

Buddy!

How can you bake a pie

when my sister is in the
living room, crying?

I can't.
Could you tell her
to keep it down?

Russell, what are you
doing here?

Oh, I came to see Sarah.

She said she'd be finished
with my essay in an hour.

So, I thought she might like
to go see a movie.

A movie?
What's the deal?

Doesn't anybody care
about my pie!

You know, Russell,
I can't believe you.

First you talk Sarah into
doing all your homework,

and then you just
breeze in here

and expect her
to go out with you!

I didn't talk her into doing
my homework.

She wanted to write my essay.

At least, I thought she did.

She kept volunteering
to help me,

and she seemed really happy
when I let her.

Oh, well, yeah.
Sarah's kind of weird that way.

Sarah isn't weird.

She's the most wonderful girl
I've ever met.

Are you saying you really care
about Sarah?

Yeah, I really do.
I love her.

So do I.
Come on, Russell,
let's go talk to her.

You're supposed to put
a little flour

on that rolling pin.

Ah, Sarah, listen...
I'm sorry I got you
Russell Davis

as a partner,
and when I find him,
he's gonna be sorry.

Do you know where he is?

Yeah, he's in the kitchen,
supervising Buddy.

Did I miss something?

Oh, everything
is alright Charles.

Russell's going to write
his essay,

and I'm gonna write mine.
It's all settled.

Hi, Charles.

Okay, Sarah,
I'm ready to rock and write!

Charles, don't worry
about a thing!

A good cleaning crew

will have this kitchen
looking like new in no time.

Oh, Buddy, what have you done?

Okay, why don't you start
with your title?

I haven't thought of one, yet.

Oh, how 'bout 'The Civil w*r:
A House Divided?'

That's great, that's so good!

Okay, good, write it down.

Darn, my pencil broke.

Oh, that's ok, Russell,
I'll go get you another one.

Wait, maybe you'd better
write it down first,

before we forget it.
- Oh, okay.

I haven't thought of a
topic sentence yet, either.

Oh, that's important.

Let's see, how 'bout this.

You're incredible, Sarah,

you sure have a handle
on American History!

Sarah, you writing
Russell's essay for him?

No, I'm just...

Writing his essay for him.

You used me again, Russell.

Charles, I'll never forgive you
for this!

Charles, help me...
Help, help, help!

Help, Charles!
Charles, help!

Give me some water!
Quick, give me some water!

Charles, give me space!

What's happening?
- The kitchen's on fire!

I'll get the garden hose!

Russell, quick,
grab that fire extinguisher!

The hose won't reach!

That's, that's okay, Russell
has the fire extinguisher!

Well, use it, Russell!
- I don't know how!

Just read the directions
on the side!

Here, you do it!

I can't believe you, Russell!

The whole house
could have burned down!

Why didn't you use
the fire extinguisher?

You can't be that lazy!

Yeah, any idiot
can follow those instructions.

I'm not lazy,
and I'm not an idiot!

Then what are you?
- I'm illiterate!

Hey, come on big guy...

Just because your mom and dad
weren't married...

...doesn't mean you can't
put out a fire, okay?

Excuse me, Mr. Wizard.

I'd like to
sp-speak to Russell

alone for a minute, okay.

Oh, sure, the minute the
subject turns to S.E.X.,

I have to leave the room.

Thank you.

Are you... are you
really illiterate?

Yeah, I can't read
or write, okay?

But, you're a, you're a
sophomore in high school.

How did you get this far?

There are a lot of tricks.

Take the easiest courses.

And you get people
to do your work for you.

You mean you use people
like Sarah.

No, Sarah's different.

I-I really, really like her!
I told her so.

You also told her you were
gonna write your own essay.

I can't believe I'm the first
teacher to get wise to you.

You're not.

There were a couple of others,
but when they found out,

I just changed schools.

Looks like I'm gonna
have to do it again.

Well... it's not gonna
solve your problem.

Look... uh, Russell.

You know, if you don't
do somethin' about this...

You're never gonna know the
pleasure of... you know...

reading a great book, or...uh...
writing a letter to a friend.

You don't need
a change of scenery, pal.

You need some self-respect,

and the only way
you're gonna get that
is if you get help.

And where am I gonna get help?

Oh, come on, there's a bunch
of places that would help you.

There's a group called

Literacy Volunteers
of America.

Haven't you read about 'em?

Stupid question, um...

Anyway, they teach people...
you know, to read and write.

All you gotta do is ask.

Here, Russell,
I finished your essay for you.

That's all you wanted
from me wasn't it?

No, Sarah,
that isn't all I wanted.

I really like you, a lot.

Oh, come on, the only person
you like is yourself!

You're wrong, Sarah.

Right now,
I don't like myself at all.

But, I'm going to.

Here, you can have
your essay back.

Charles, I'm gonna write
my own essay.

Course, it may take me
two or three years.

It's okay, Russell.

I'll give you an extension.
- Thanks.

Sarah,
I'll be pretty busy for a while.

But, I'd really like
to keep seeing you...

...because you're the most
wonderful girl I've ever met.

Charles...

I'm so confused!

Sarah, I'm sure Russell will
explain it all to you one day,

in a nice long letter.

And I won't tell anybody
about the kiss!

Charles, Russell called!

He's taking me
to a French film.

I dunno if that's such a good
idea, French films are uh...

Pretty racy, and
they also have subtitles

which you have to uh... read.

It's okay, Charles.
Russell explained everything!

I'm going to read
the English subtitles to him,

then he's going to tell me
what they mean.

From the kitchen,
an entire pie.

Mom!
- What kind is it?

Mom!
- It's boysenberry.

Mom!

Hey, Charles, good news!

I'm gonna pass my home
economics course, after all.

Hi, Aunt Lillian.
- Hi.

Nurse Bennett let me
bake my pie
in the hospital kitchen,

and I put it in
your refrigerator

for safe keeping,
so I'll just...

[Buddy screams]

[theme music plays ♪]