08x29 - Do Not Fold, Spindle, or Mutilate

[bunniefuu]

-[Ed] Can I help you? -I hope so.

Uh, this is Ben Gibson's wife and I was just trying to reach him.

He's not working for us.

Olivia.

I think you're a real nice kid.

Don't touch her!

-Come on, Abby. -No, you come on, Karen.

Paige is capable of causing more harm

to more people than you care to admit.

I figured if it didn't bother you

that he was sleeping with your mother,

it wouldn't bother you that I was sleeping with him, too.

[theme music playing]

[somber music playing]

[instrumental music playing]

[Karen] Oh, finger.

Uh-huh.

[Mack] All these gifts for one little baby?

No, mostly for her older brothers.

I don't want Laura's boys to feel left out.

You know, newborn baby, everyone forgets the older children.

I'm gonna drop them off on the way to work.

Wanna come visit with me?

[chuckles] No, no, thank you. I don't think so at all.

Greg Sumner and breakfast just don't mix, but you give Laura my best.

For what it's worth,

I think Greg Sumner is telling the truth.

I don't think he's Paige's father.

Well, I can believe him or I can believe Ann.

Hell of a choice, huh?

I just wish we could've held off telling Paige anything

until we knew for sure.

We had no choice. She's dating his brother.

Well,

I still wish we had waited.

You know, I mean, it just--

You know, it just made her feel bad.

That's all. I wish we had waited.

[Paige] Peter?

Peter.

[answering machine whirs, beeps]

[man over answering machine] It's hard to score points in a legislature, Senator.

If you spend your time in Los Angeles,

get your butt up to Sacramento yesterday,

if not sooner.

The Speaker of the Assembly needs some focal

and visible support on a bill for the homeless.

And when you get back, talk to me about

a ribbon-cutting ceremony at Lotus Point.

Abby wants you there to speak.

My, I have a popular baby brother.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Can I talk to Mother?

-Oh, Paige? -Is Mother there?

Uh, no. No, she's not. She's in France.

Great.

Is there anything I can help you with?

No.

Yes.

I, uh, I just ran into Greg Sumner.

And, uh...

And he said that he used to date Mom.

Is that true?

I mean, I thought she only went out with Mack.

Well, I'm not sure that date is the right word.

[sighs]

I didn't want Anne going out with Mack,

so she pretended to be dating Gregory Sumner.

He'd come by the house and pick her up,

and then they'd go off somewhere and meet Mack.

So, Mom and Sumner didn't really date?

They just tried to make it look like they did.

I can't be certain about that, darling.

Uh, they put on a good performance for me.

["I Can't Help Myself" by Four Tops]

♪ Ooh, sugar pie, honey bunch ♪

♪ You know that I love you ♪

Well, thanks, James.

What, no kiss for the chauffeur?

Oh, I try not to mingle with the help.

Well, then how are we gonna make your father,

who's staring at us right now,

believe that you and I are really dating?

Well, uh...

I think we ought to put on a good show for him.

Hmm.

And what's your idea of a good show?

Well, I'm very willing to show you.

I bet you are.

It's going to take a lot to convince him we're serious.

[quirky music playing]

[both chuckling awkwardly]

Well, that should convince him.

I don't know about him, but I'm convinced.

Maybe one of these days Mack won't be able to make it

and you and I'll just be forced to go it alone.

[laughs]

Well, I always thought there was something more there.

But then I never was good at figuring out your mother.

Why do you want to know?

Just curiosity.

I gotta go. Thanks.

[troubled music playing]

Hey, we're gonna go to get that newspaper.

Hey, Bobby, go! Bobby won! Yeah!

Hey, get back in the house. Back in the house, yeah.

Hey, you guys, wait!

-Hi. -Hi.

-[kids chattering] -Go on in.

I got some great news.

Ben got a job.

He got a freelance assignment.

I know. I think it's terrific.

You know? How could you possibly know?

-Mack told me. -What?

Yeah, he told me he had a job a couple of days ago.

That's not possible. He just got the job yesterday.

We celebrated last night.

Oh, great.

Yeah. [chuckles] I'm so proud of him.

He psyched himself up and he went out and he got an assignment

the very first day he went job hunting.

Oh, that's terrific. I'm so happy for both of you.

-Thanks. -What's the assignment?

Uh, to interview some military guy.

-I forgot his name. -[Karen] In Washington?

-No, South America. -[Mack] Oh.

When's he leaving?

[Val] He's already gone. He left early this morning.

But he really needed to get to work and, you know,

I wanted that for him.

You two need to get to work, so give me a hug.

-Call me. I'll talk to him. -I will. I will.

Okay, honey, I'll see you.

Where did you get that tie?

He told me he already had the job two days ago.

Well...

maybe he was just psyching himself up.

You know, like Val said,

the tie doesn't go with your jacket at all.

Karen, Ben told me he got a new job.

I came inside and I told you that he got a new job.

Don't you remember? This goes with my size.

You said that it looked like Ben had a new job.

He asked me to watch out for Val and the kids while he was away.

Well, that makes sense.

I mean, what difference does it make?

Mack, the tie doesn't work.

[car engine revs]

[Laura] I can't believe you got me all this stuff.

-This is great. -[Karen] Oh, it was nothing.

You must have bought out the store.

Well, I knew you didn't need clothes,

so I just tried to remember all the things

I desperately needed when I brought Diana home

but forgot to buy.

I mean, I couldn't run to the store.

Run? [chuckles sarcastically]

Couldn't sit up for a week.

Oh, she is gorgeous.

She's the spitting image of her old man.

She's already got teeth.

Oh, brother.

Oh, Miss Matheson.

-Hi, Paige. -Paige.

Hi. Oh!

[Paige chuckles softly] What's her name?

Meg.

Oh, how pretty.

Yeah, we named her after one of my old girlfriends.

Yeah, it also happens to be my mother's name.

I think I feel a change coming on.

Be careful.

Come on.

Uh, Paige, is everything all right at the club?

Fine.

-I just wanted to-- -You just--

You just wanted to see the baby.

Well, I don't blame you.

She's a cutie.

Yes, she is.

I wanted to see her father.

Well, he's a cutie, too.

Are you my father as well?

[Greg] Oh, God.

How do these rumors get started?

I know that you went out with my mother.

Even in this day and age,

that's hardly the basis for paternity.

Listen, I'm really flattered, but I gotta tell you...

that your mom had the hots for Mack MacKenzie.

That doesn't say much for her taste...

but it is the truth.

Now, that's not to say I would've turned down an opportunity

had it presented itself, but...

she never gave me a chance.

[instrumental music playing]

So you're going to ask her out or what?

Give me a break, Greg. I'm working.

Hey, no problem. What are friends for?

Hey, don't even think about it.

[instrumental music playing]

[chuckles]

[soft piano instrumental]

[instrumental music playing]

[birds chirping]

[Abby] Karen is planning a...

hot dog and popcorn reception

after the opening of the children's section of phase three.

We're going to be hiring extra help,

but I'd like some of you to work the picnic rounds if you would.

Oh, excuse me.

-Hi, honey. -Hi.

-[Abby sighs] -I can't reach Gary.

He must have gotten the letter by now.

Well, he probably has,

but why won't we let him handle it?

Let's not us worry about it anymore.

Um, I don't want to eat lunch here tomorrow, okay?

Honey, I've already told the chef to make you green enchiladas.

[sighs deeply] Can't we eat somewhere else?

-Well-- -Mom, I'll--

I'll see you later.

[Abby exhales sharply]

Paige.

Can I talk to you a minute?

Sure.

You're fired.

What?

You can collect your severance pay in accounting.

What did I do?

The better question is, what didn't you do?

-[Lilimae] Sweet pea? -[Val] Hmm.

[Lilimae] How about a slice of pie?

[Val] No, thanks, Mama.

Black bottom pie used to be your favorite.

-Hmm. -Mmm?

-Maybe just a smidge. -[Lilimae laughs]

Oh, I am so happy about Ben's new job,

I can't tell you.

He needed to get out of the house.

A person can't do without a job for that long.

-Mm-hmm. -Is it an exciting assignment?

I don't know, Mama. I hope so.

Oh.

Well, I'm sure he's busy out interviewing

and tired from the travel.

Is there a difference between

North and South America, a time difference?

Oh, no.

No, we're in the same hemisphere.

Well, in some places it's one hour,

in other places it's four hours.

Well, there you have it.

I mean, if he didn't call right on the deadline--

There isn't a deadline, Mama.

Besides, it's only two minutes past nine.

Well...

Maybe he couldn't find a phone.

He'll call.

-Phone that works, I mean. -He'll find one.

[scoffs] Lord knows it wouldn't be his fault if he didn't.

-Mm-hmm. -I mean, I wouldn't be at all surprised

if for some reason he didn't call.

He will call, Mama.

You think he's not gonna call, don't you?

Well, I don't have an opinion one way or the other, but--

You most certainly do have an opinion one way or another,

and in your opinion, Ben won't call tonight.

That's what you think, isn't it? And that's what this black bottom pie is for.

You're trying to cheer me up, right?

It always used to cheer you up.

Well, maybe I don't need cheering up, okay?

[phone ringing]

[ringing continues]

Hi, honey, how are you?

How'd you know it was me?

Oh,

because you said you'd call at 9:00.

So I did.

How are you?

-Tell him I send my love. -Mama sends her love.

I'm fine.

We're all fine here.

How are you?

I don't know, I'm pretty good.

I just don't like spending all those hours

in those cramped airplanes, you know?

How long was your flight?

Long enough.

Oh, you poor thing.

How's what's-his-name, the general?

Oh, El Comandante.

Yeah, he's a hard guy to catch up with.

I haven't reached him yet,

but I've got some good background information on him

and a couple of leads on how I might get in touch with him.

Sounds great.

Yeah, well, uh,

not yet, anyhow.

-How are the kids doing? -They're fine.

Okay, will you, uh...

tell them Daddy sends them each a big hug and a kiss, okay?

I will.

Oh, wait a minute, let me get a pencil.

I need the number at your hotel.

Oh, yeah, what for?

What for?

So I can call you in case there's an emergency.

The only thing is that I may not be staying here tomorrow.

Where are you gonna be staying tomorrow?

Uh, I don't really know.

I mean, this guy's a hard guy to catch up with, uh...

you know, so I can be anywhere.

I-- [Ben sighs]

I'll tell you what, the thing is,

it may be better if I call you tomorrow night,

same time, okay?

Okay.

But what if there really is an emergency?

Can I leave a message at the news bureau?

I mean, will they forward it?

Sure, absolutely.

You know, it's just that I'm going to be on the move so much

that it might be kind of hard to catch up with,

so, uh...

I think the best thing will be if you just wait for my call.

Okay.

[instrumental music playing]

I love you.

I love you too.

You take care.

You too, bye.

Bye-bye.

[speaking other language]

[instrumental music playing]

[tense music playing]

You're home.

-Home? -I was worried about you.

You didn't show up at work today.

-Didn't you hear? -What?

Abby fired me.

Well, that's ridiculous. You're doing a terrific job.

Well, maybe she, uh, didn't like my face.

Well, I like your face, and I'm hiring you back.

[chuckling] Aren't you taking a chance?

I mean, I'm not exactly the most popular person.

Oh, Paige.

I mean, the question of who my father is

is the biggest joke around.

-Paige. -Not to mention my wedding plans to a--

I mean, imagine, I almost married my own--

Wait a minute.

Greg Sumner said he's not your father, and...

well, maybe he's telling the truth.

Right.

And, uh...

-[door slams] -...and you and Mack take

every word that Greg Sumner says as gospel.

I don't care what Greg Sumner says.

You've become a daughter to me.

And I want you to live here.

Yeah, until you find out who dear old mom

was shacking up with before I was born.

I'm going jogging. I love you.

You know, I'll tell you what I think.

I think that it's all true.

I think that Peter knew, and that's why he wouldn't marry me.

And you can tell Mack to quit giving me fatherly advice

until he can prove that he's my father.

[subtle music playing]

[shaky sigh]

[instrumental music playing]

The truth is,

I don't care about what Anne did.

I care for Paige's sake.

I know.

[instrumental music playing]

[newscaster] The final 255-161 vote

in favor of the bill fell 23 votes short

of the two-thirds majority that would be necessary to pass...

[instrumental music playing]

[Meg crying]

Ooh.

-Oh. Oh. -[crying continues]

Oh, oh. Oh.

-Two and two is five. -[crying continues]

Five and five is 12.

What's the matter with you?

[instrumental music playing]

[Anne] Which inning is this?

[Young Greg] It's the second quarter, Anne.

I thought Mack was supposed to be here by now.

Well, that's what he told me.

Do you want another beer?

Sure.

So, you want anything to eat?

No.

Good.

[indistinct chatter over TV]

Aren't you going to open it somewhere?

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Oh, yeah, but the game will be over by then.

Yeah, she's here. It's Mack.

Hello?

Hey, uh,

I can't make it, Dan called in sick.

Oh, Mack.

I'm sorry.

Never mind, it's all right.

I am sorry.

I know.

Can I make it up to you tomorrow?

Sure, I'll see you tomorrow.

Great, I'll see you tomorrow.

Hey, listen, I'll call you tonight.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

[crowd cheering over TV]

Would you take me home?

Sure, but let's finish watching the game.

[announcer speaking indistinctly over TV]

[Anne grunts]

You know, I can't believe Mack would leave you alone like this.

Why not?

I can take care of myself.

I'm glad to hear it.

Hey.

I thought you wanted to watch the game.

Oh, I hate football.

I bet you were the one who arranged for Mack to work late.

No. I'm just a very lucky guy.

And very arrogant.

Even if I weren't seeing Mack...

I still wouldn't give you the time of day.

So you can take me home now.

[chuckling]

[Meg crying]

Your dad struck out.

Your dad struck out. Yes.

-Oh. -[crying continues]

[birds chirping]

-[Greg] You want some advice? -No.

You look like a fella in sore need of advice.

Woman troubles, right?

[chuckles]

You know, it's inappropriate for a presidential timber

to handle a woman so badly

that she ends up wrecking his apartment.

[Peter laughs]

Thanks for the analysis.

But if you'd excuse me, I'd like to finish getting dressed.

You want analysis? I'll give you analysis.

I made you into a contender.

You're no-- You are nothing without me.

Now, I told you I didn't want any more follow-ups.

When you make somebody angry,

you turn around and make nice to them.

Learn to mend your fences.

You don't need enemies, kid.

And it seems to me your list of them is growing and growing.

I think it's about time you settled down.

Pick a wife, any wife.

Preferably one with pedigree.

Mindless enough to deal with a mongrel like you.

Uh-huh.

Oh, so Ben called. That's great.

Well, sure, he said he would.

-That's great. -Yeah.

When is he going to be back?

Uh, in a few days.

He's going to call and, you know, keep me posted.

Good. Let us know when.

Oh, listen, we can have a barbecue

and you and the kids can come over for dinner while he's gone.

[scoffs] Karen, it's only going to be a few days.

Yeah, I know.

But, well, we'd like to do it.

Okay, well, so would I then.

-Thanks. -Okay, good.

Great. Bye.

Bye-bye.

Well, I guess you were wrong, Mack.

Is this official business?

Is that any way to treat your baby brother?

What do you want, Peter?

What I want...

is to thank you for burning Sylvia's letter.

-If Gary had read it-- -If Gary had read it,

he'd know you were a fraud six ways from Sunday.

Yes, it was a stroke of luck that you got it before he did.

Luck?

You drag a teenager into this mess

and you don't give a damn what happens to her.

And then you call it luck because I'm able to steal her letter.

I never had any intention of involving Olivia in this.

And no one got hurt.

Yeah, because you're damn lucky.

You manage to find a woman who's willing to play your mother.

And her story holds up.

And then she dies before anybody finds out.

And then, luckiest of all,

your sister agrees to keep her mouth shut.

Well, Senator, you do me a favor.

If your luck runs out, you tell one more lie.

Pretend you don't have a sister.

Hi, this is Valene Gibson.

My husband's on assignment with you

and I was just trying to reach him.

Okay, yeah, I'll hold.

This is Ed Rutledge.

Can I help you?

Uh, this is Ben Gibson's wife

and I was just trying to reach him.

Gibson? I'd like to get a hold of him, too.

I've got an assignment that would be perfect for him.

You mean after he finishes the story he's already doing?

What story?

If he's taking a job with AP, I'll k*ll him.

No, excuse me. Maybe I--

Maybe I'm not making myself clear.

I mean the assignment that he's doing for yous.

I'm trying to reach him.

That's why I called.

He's not working for us.

It must be one of the other wire services.

Why don't you check with,

uh, UPI and AP?

Yeah, I will. I-- I'm-- I'm sorry to bother you.

-Yeah, thanks. -No problem.

Uh, do have him give me a call.

You bet I will. Bye-bye.

[ominous music playing]

[music fades]

Now, one of your duties will be

that whatever the head waiter is--

[Paige] Good morning.

Would you excuse us for a minute?

What are you doing here?

-I work here. -I fired you.

Well, Karen rehired me.

And I must say that I admire her better judgment.

Well, I suppose Karen is entitled

to make the same mistake that I did, but I'm sure

sooner or later she'll realize what I already know,

that you're nothing but a little spoiled rich kid.

Do you think that the reason that I get under your skin

is because you're afraid of me?

Because I understand you.

I understand how you think.

[chuckling] And I've watched you operate.

And you know something?

We're two of a kind.

And I think that you're worried

that I'm better at what you do than you are.

[Abby chuckles]

I'm so flattered that you want to be like me.

But don't flatter yourself into thinking we're at all alike.

Everything I have, I've earned.

Everything you have, you've been given.

I know it galls you, it galls people of your class

to see a woman like me

who's earned what you thought was yours by birth.

People like you are threatened by people like me

because deep down

you're afraid you're not going to be able to cut it

without your trust fund.

You know something?

You're right.

[dramatic music playing]

You know, I would have never set myself up

the way you just set yourself up.

[instrumental music playing]

You're not on my appointment calendar.

Don't start. I've had a rough day.

[Abby chuckles] Well, I've had a rough year.

You deserve it.

Get the hell out of my office.

I-- I took care of the letter.

How?

I have my resources.

Good.

Maybe I'll show Gary my copy of the letter.

I know you enjoy being the only person alive with proof

that I'm not Greg Sumner's brother.

But we still have a lot of good reasons to work together.

I'm still a good investment.

We can at least be civil to each other.

All right.

We've both made some mistakes.

The only mistake I have made in recent memory

is trusting you.

Okay.

Okay, but you got your revenge.

How?

By turning down your marriage proposal?

Did you honestly think I would even consider marriage to a man

who would use a child the way you used my daughter?

-No one got hurt. -No one got hurt?

And you're just as responsible as I am for...

-Don't you dare try and blame me for this. -...what happened to this video.

-That's the truth. -What you did was disgusting.

You didn't give a hoot about her feelings

until you found out she had the letter.

And she wouldn't have found out about the letter--

Ah, my two favorite people.

The last two people I'd ever want to interrupt.

I am sorry to bother you.

I could turn the radio out of my office to cover the noise

you two are making, but it would be so loud

everybody would be yelling at me to keep it down.

So unless you want the entire staff

to hear what it is you're saying...

say it quietly.

Goodbye.

-Peter. -Karen.

What in the world is going on?

Karen, why did you

rehire Paige after I fired her?

Because she's going through a rough time lately

and I thought she deserved a second chance.

The Ayatollah Khomeini has had a rough time lately

and I don't think he deserves a second chance.

-Come on, Abby. -No, you come on, Karen.

Paige is capable of causing more harm

to more people than you care to admit.

Ask your son if she deserves a second chance.

Ask my daughter.

Excuse me. Is Paige Matheson around?

I know she's been working here. That's her stuff over there.

I guess she had to run an errand or something.

-Okay. -If I see her, I'll tell her you're looking for her.

All right, thanks.

Hey, can I fix you a drink, Senator?

[sighs] Yes.

Yeah, I could use that. Uh, Scotch, straight up.

All right.

-There you go. -Great, thanks a lot.

You're welcome.

[instrumental music playing]

[Paige] These are for you.

And if you can hand these out.

And here are these.

And if you couldn't drop that off at Mrs. MacKenzie's office--

Well, hi, Olivia.

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

Olivia!

Olivia, aren't you going to say hi?

Get out of here, Paige.

-What? -What you did was awful.

Wait, what I did?

You know exactly what I mean. With Peter?

Look.

It's not my fault that Peter thought

that he was too old for you.

But it is your fault that you didn't even tell me

that he and you were going together.

That we were lovers, you mean.

Well, I'm sorry your feelings got hurt.

I'm sure you are.

Why didn't you just tell me that you were seeing Peter?

I thought you didn't care who he was going to bed with.

I figured if it didn't bother you

that your mother was sleeping with Peter,

it wouldn't bother you that I was, too.

You did know about your mother and Peter, didn't you?

I presumed you did.

[instrumental music playing]

[doleful music playing]

Olivia!

Olivia!

-Olivia. -[heels clacking]

Olivia!

[instrumental music playing]

Honey, what's-- what's the matter?

Nothing.

What is it?

Oh, baby.

[Abby sighs deeply]

I know, it's Peter. Right?

Oh, honey, I know

it's hard for you to imagine right now, but, uh...

things are going to get better.

They really are.

You know, I don't think I ever told you this,

but when I was just a little bit older than you are now,

I, uh, I fell in love.

The love of my life.

So I thought. He was a graduate student.

I knew we were going to get married.

I thought he loved me as much as I loved him.

Then he...

went and married someone else.

I thought I was going to die.

I really did.

But here I am,

living proof that you do get over these things.

I look back on it now and I think,

what did I ever see in that guy?

[chuckles]

Come on.

Come on, let's go have lunch.

Come on.

You think I'll say,

what did I ever see in Peter Hollister?

I think you probably will, yeah.

Or, maybe I might just say...

what did my mother ever see in Peter Hollister?

What?

Giving me all that advice, but not the truth.

Where did you get that stupid story anyway, Mother?

Some book?

What to say if your daughter makes a fool of herself over some guy?

Olivia, calm down.

And what do you say when your daughter falls in love

with some guy her own mother's sleeping with?

-Stop it, Olivia. -Oh, go to hell.

Olivia, my personal relationship with Peter

-has nothing to do with you. -Personal relationship?

Oh, is that a mature way of saying sleep together?

Peter took advantage of you, Olivia, not me.

-I don't care. -When I found out about it--

-Nobody heard that. -You see?

-Listen to me, Olivia. -No. No.

[instrumental music playing]

[soft piano instrumental]

Excuse me. Have you seen Paige Matheson?

She's not in the club?

No, I just came from there.

Well, she might be in Mrs. MacKenzie's office,

but I know she has to be back in about an hour

to get ready for the lunch crew.

Okay, thanks.

[instrumental music playing]

Olivia.

I am so sorry about all of this.

You shouldn't have been caught up in the middle of it.

Olivia.

You're a real nice kid.

Don't touch her!

[tense music playing]

I hate you!

[sighs]

He's still got Paige, you know.

Olivia, stop it. Please.

He's going in there to see her.

He never loved you either, Mother.

The only person he ever cared about was Paige.

You know he's sleeping with her now.

[instrumental music playing]

[sighs deeply]

-[glass shattering] -Hey!

Son of a b*tch!

This is not my day.

Do you know I have yet to find someone glad to meet me today?

I am not interested in joking with you!

Paige, you have every right to be upset with me.

I know that. This whole marriage thing--

Marriage thing?

Abby set us up.

Abby!

I told her you were interested in marrying me

and she took advantage of us.

The truth is, Paige, I never had any intention

of marrying you or anybody.

Yeah, because of that letter!

Because of that damn stupid letter!

The family matter that I wasn't supposed to know about, Uncle Peter.

-Uncle? -You knew all along, didn't you?

-Knew what? -About my father, your brother.

That's why you didn't marry me, right?

Because you knew, you knew, and you didn't care.

What are you talking about?

Greg Sumner is my father.

[cackling]

It's not funny, Peter!

-Don't you laugh! -Greg Sumner?

[mournful music playing]

[knocking]

Knock-knock.

Hi!

Here are the figures that you asked for.

Oh, thank you.

I'd, uh, like to talk to you about Peter.

Paige...

-if you don't mind my-- -Don't worry.

I'm completely over this marriage thing.

I can do a lot better than Peter Hollister.

Don't you think?

Yes, I do.

[door clicks closed]

[sighs]

[tense music playing]

[Olivia] Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

[Olivia screams] Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

[instrumental music playing]

[gasps]

[instrumental music playing]

[theme music playing]