Fallen Angels (2026)

[bunniefuu]

- You'll only get hiccups

if you gobble like that.

- I'm not gobbling.

- What time's Willie coming.

- He ought to be here now.

- I say Muriel Fenchurch

is divorcing her husband.

- I think that uncommonly

selfish of the fellow

unleashing her upon an unsuspecting world.

- She will try to

fascinate relentless woman.

Oh dear, apparently a

man was arrested for,

well how do I put this?

Scaling the tower and trying

to have relations with Big Ben.

- Poor old Ben.

- Yes, the gentleman's

doing time for doing time.

I think you'd better

have some more coffee.

- Why?

- Because I want you to

meet our new treasurer.

- New. Thank goodness.

The last one was so dour.

- And that on a good day.

This one seems like a

nice girl. Very jolly.

Good morning sir.

- Ah, good morning. What is your name?

- We are Saunders.

- I see. Welcome

- Saunders, I think Mr.

Stawell would like to have

some more of your delicious coffee.

- Thank you. But no.

- You are quite right sir.

I was in the employ of his grace,

the Duke of Cidarington

for three years, Sir.

His grace, one of our foremost golfers,

as you well know, sir, never

took a second cup of coffee

before a day on the course.

His grace always said it

made his hand unsteady.

- Oh really?

- Yes sir.

And while we're on the subject of golf,

allow me to congratulate you sir.

I noticed your bag in the hall

and I was delighted to see a complete set

of Bobby Jones steel shafts.

I knew at once you must be a connoisseur.

May I ask about your ba*ls?

- Well, they're just ordinary ba*ls.

- His grace never used

anything except for Spaldings,

and personally I recommend

them myself whenever possible.

Do you need me for anything else sir?

- No. Do you want to say anything more?

- No, I don't think there is anything.

Ah, perhaps there's one thing more sir.

And which course will you be playing on

- Chichester.

- Will you be taking

all of your clubs sir?

- Yes.

- Well certainly You must know

that your irons are all you

will need at Chichester.

Your irons! Quite sufficient.

- She seems all right doesn't she? what?

- Quite, I do wish Willie

would learn to be punctual.

- Shall I ring him up?

- What? For?

- To bring him down.

- It wouldn't do any good.

He's most likely in the bath.

For him. That's a big job.

He does all his thinking in the bath

- Then he should have

been down some time ago.

- Don't be bitter dear. It

does dampen one's spirits.

- Nevermind, you've got the whole weekend

before you to recover.

Two days on Chichester golf course.

Where according to Saunders,

you shall only use your iron

shall be more than enough.

- Iron indeed. I'll take the lot.

- Here sit, quiet and smoke.

- Ah, very well. What are you going to do?

- Nothing in particular.

I'll practice my scales.

Tidy up and dust a bit to

set Saunders a good example.

I'm lunching with Jane

and we shall probably go to a matinee.

- Well there now.

Didn't I tell you your day

would pan out normally?

- Yes. But then I did have a presentiment

when I first woke up,

- But it was nothing definite you said so.

- Of course it wasn't.

You can't define a presentiment.

That's what's so horrid.

The feeling of being unsettled.

- I expect it's indigestion.

- No, thank you, Fred,

for that distastefully intimate concern.

I really felt quite odd

as though something damnable

were going to happen.

- Well, if you go on

thinking in that vein,

something damnable will happen.

- You are being terribly

gothic this morning.

- I just don't like to see you

worry yourself over nothing.

- I'm not really, I'm very happy.

- Are you honestly?

- Of course.

- Sure.

- Positive.

- Good, I think it awfully silly of people

to lead unhappy lives.

End up like Muriel Fenchurch.

- Yes, I suppose so.

We should both know the

minute we go off each other.

- Yes. Look at us married

seven years and we're happy.

- A divine seven years.

- Yes. Wonderful.

- Though we're not in

love a bit now, you know.

- I dunno anything of the source.

- That's true.

- Well, the first violent

passion is naturally over.

- Thank God.

- Why?

- Well, it's so uncomfortable, passion.

- But it's a thoughtfully

fundamental thing.

One couldn't do without it.

- You mean we couldn't?

- No, we could and are doing without it.

- One can't be really

in love without passion.

That's why I said we weren't anymore.

- Oh Julia, you know perfectly well

we've reached a remarkable

sublime plane of affection

and good comradeship far above-

- Just ordinary love. I quite agree.

- We are in love

- Hypocrite. We are not.

- We are in a different way.

- There is no different way.

It's exactly the same for everybody.

I've discussed it with Jane.

- Damn Jane.

- By all means. But

she knows just as I do.

- You're psychoanalytic

neurotics, the both of you.

- Thank you Fred. I'm flattered.

- Do you always discuss

everything with Jane?

- Yes. Everything. Always.

- Even the most intimate

relationships. Us.

- Yes. You know I do. I always have.

- Well, I think that's dreadful.

- Nonsense, you discuss

everything with Willie.

- Yes, but differently.

- Less accurately I expect.

That's the only difference.

- I'm sure married life was

much easier in Victorian days.

- If you think women didn't

discuss everything minutely

in the Victorian days just

as much as they do now,

you're very much mistaken.

- Yes. But it was so much simpler.

- For the men.

- For the women too.

They didn't know so much.

- They didn't give themselves

away so much. Poor dears.

They were too frightened and

couldn't take a proper breath.

Thrust up in their

Victorian corsets of doom.

- Anyhow, on the whole, I

would rather be as we are.

- That's right dear.

- But you are wrong when you

say I don't love you anymore.

- I Didn't say that at all.

I know you love me very

much and I love you too.

You're a darling. But we're not in love.

But can't you see the difference?

- I suppose so. But I don't want to.

- Well, we won't go on about it anymore.

You should go and play golf

and quarrel with Willie

and I'll stay home and quarrel with Jane

and we'll all be awfully happy.

Are you coming home tomorrow?

- Perhaps tonight. If the weather's bad.

- Well you might telephone

me and let me know.

- All right.

- There's Willie.

- I'll let him in. Alright.

Alright. Keep your hair on

- Wakey wakey. Morning.

Morning. Good morning, Julia.

How are you?

- I'm feeling grand.

Fred and I just had a

psychological romp.

It was very stimulating.

- It's depressed me for the day.

Jane's been a trifle difficult

this morning, I must say.

- In what way?

- She woke up with a presentiment.

- Good lord.

- Very confusing, I must

say outside my remit.

What? What?

- It's an epidemic.

- You've had one too?

- Yes, a beast. But don't

ask me to explain it.

It's quite intangible at present.

- She went on about it

all through breakfast.

Talking doesn't belong at breakfast.

- How tactless of her.

I at least waited until after breakfast.

- We'd better go Willie

and leave them to their dreary foreboding.

- Yes. Yes. We should be

very hearty and jolly all day

and drink a lot of beer.

The cars downstairs.

- Are thoughtful of

you not to bring it up.

- Have you got your gloves?

- Yes. They're in the hall.

I'm only taking my irons.

- Why?

- Because Saunders said so.

- Who on earth is Saunders?

- Nevermind.

- Bye Julia, don't encourage Jane too much

for heaven's sake.

- Whatever encouragement

there is will be mutual.

I feel in a particularly

heart to heart mood today.

- Goodbye darling.

- Goodbye love.

Don't forget to telephone

- Rather I drive Willy?

- Does it feel awful being in a new place?

- No, madam. Not particularly.

- I'm so glad.

I'm sure I should be terrified

and break everything.

- Oh no. It's just about

getting used to things is all.

- If a rather strange looking

man calls during the morning,

will you take him

straight to the bathroom?

Of course. Shall I run a bath for him?

- No. Why? He'll be the plumber.

- Oh, excuse me madam.

B flat.

- What?

- Excuse me, madam.

- You played B natural.

It should be B flat.

- Oh, you're musical then, Saunders?

- I was brought up in a convent, madam.

- Then you're sure it's B flat?

- Absolutely.

- You are right, Saunders. It was B flat.

- Of course it was. I

have an infallible ear.

And it's had plenty of practice.

For four years I was with

Madam Carmen Granado,

the celebrated concert pianist.

You can't get by me with a wrong note.

- Clearly.

- Madame Granado was very sweet to me.

She used to insist I use her

own piano for practicing.

- Really?

- She had a Bechstein grand.

- I'm afraid mine is only a baby grand.

- Oh, don't let that bother you, madam.

Madame Granado was a

celebrity, world-famous.

I'm used to making the best of things.

Your little instrument

will make a nice change.

- I'm so pleased.

- Don't give it another thought, madam.

Now I think you'll find that

it goes a little something

like this.

- Get that door Saunders?

- Stop singing that song.

- Oh, Madame, what a fright you gave me.

- Thank you, Saunders. That would be all.

Jane. Whatever you're doing.

I say, why on earth you

all dressed up like that?

Don't know. That's all.

You just don't know.

Jane, what on earth is the matter?

Come in and find your

housekeeper singing that song.

We must both go away at once.

- Oh all right. Where shall we go?

Don't be maddening, Julia. I'm serious.

- If you'd stop trying

to get dramatic effects

and tell me what it's all about.

- Read that.

- It's the Blue Grotto at Capri.

- Yes, I know it is, but read it.

- Oh, my giddy aunt.

- There now!

- This is frightful.

- What are we going to do?

- Think, we must think!

When is he coming?

- Now, I suppose at any moment!

- I wonder if he's changed?

- No, I shouldn't think

so that type never does.

- Don't say "that type" like

that it's a bit irreverent.

- I packed just a few

things very hurriedly

I thought perhaps Brighton for a few days

before our passports were properly vised.

- Passports?

- Yes, for America.

- Don't be ridiculous.

- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm all worked up

it was a most frightful shock,

and the funny thing is

that I had a presentiment

when I woke up this morning.

- So did I.

- There, now!

- We must keep calm and

talk it over quietly,

it's the only way.

We've a grand tradition

of getting out of scrapes

and today is the ultimate challenge.

"Often caught..."

- "Never expelled."

Cigarette?

- No, I couldn't.

Alright.

All right, focus, we've got

the whole day before us.

- I only hope so.

- You don't think he'll

arrive before lunch?

- He might, he might.

He never had the slightest restraint.

Oh, after nine years,

I do think it's cruel.

- It might have happened before,

that would have been much, much worse.

- I don't know. I wonder.

We might have had more strength to resist.

- Oh no, dear, we've never

been exactly bursting

with that kind of strength.

- You know what we are, don't you?

We're the sl*ves of coincidence,

and we always have been,

it does make life so dreadfully difficult.

- Yes, but easier at moments;

we can at least face it together.

- It's going to be agony

facing him together.

- Well we must be firm,

after all we're not in

love with him anymore.

- Not at the moment but

suppose when he arrives

he's just as attractive

and glamorous as ever.

Oh, we shall both go down like ninepins.

- I shan't.

I know it, Jane, I shan't.

I've changed in nine years.

I'm too fond of Fred.

- Yes?

I've been bolstering myself

up like that all the morning,

arguing that I'm too fond of Willy.

Everything's quite different now.

But I don't know.

I'm afraid, I'm terribly afraid.

You see, Julia, we have got to face facts

we're not really in love

with our husbands any more.

We're awfully happy, and

there's a lovely firm basis

of comradeship and affection

but the real "being in love" part is dead!

Well, you couldn't expect

anything else after all this time.

- Oh my, I told Fred

exactly that this morning!

- Oh, Julia, I do wish

we hadn't when we did!

- It's a fat lot of use wishing that now.

- Hey, you, give me back that Blue Grotto.

- It's typical of him to

send that, anyhow, typical!

- Maurice!

Maurice, it gives me a fearful

sort of illegitimate thrill

even to look at his name.

- Now then, Jane!

- I wonder if he realizes he's

been the one grand passion

in both our lives?

- Of course he does; it's

almost his profession.

- Our love for our husbands

has been on an entirely

different plane all along.

Nicer, worthier, and

all that sort of thing,

but not half so soul-shattering.

- I wonder if he can speak English now?

- I hope not.

He was so lovely in French.

- What would Willy and

Fred say if they knew?

- Oh, don't!

- Fred, I think, would be sensible,

after the first shock had worn off.

- Willy wouldn't.

- It isn't as if we'd been

unfaithful since marriage

after all, it happened before.

- Yes, but men never

forgive that sort of thing,

no matter when it happened.

- It seems so unfair that

men should have the monopoly

of a wild oat.

- They haven't, but it's

our duty to make them think

they have.

- When I think of Italy, and

the cypresses and the moonlight

and the glorious romance of it all.

- Don't dear, you'll only upset yourself.

- Do you remember how I

wrote to you in Scotland

and told you all about it?

Oh, how I adored him!

And nobody knew.

Nobody knew a thing.

I left Aunt Mary a week

earlier than I said

and got out of the train at Pisa,

he was waiting for me there.

We used to do and look

at the Leaning Tower

night after night.

- Yes, and I was so

worried because I guessed

that you'd gone early but I

told everyone I'd spoken to you

at your Aunt Mary's even when

you weren't there anymore.

- Thank you for that.

Do you remember that lovely song

he used to sing all the time?

Sometimes on the terribly

cracked piano at the hotel,

and sometimes just

walking along the street.

- Don't Julia, don't!

Because he used to sing that

song to me too afterward.

- The post, madam.

- That will do, Saunders.

- Don't tell me, I know.

Leaning Tower of Pisa.

- Of course.

- Oh, what a devil!

This week!

- And today's Saturday!

What are we going to do?

- Listen, Jane, we're

in for a bitter time.

We must summon up all our

courage and face it properly.

Cigarette.

We must get the whole situation

laid out quite clearly,

just as we always did when in a pickle.

Then we shall know where we are.

Now then.

- Yes, right, now then what?

- To wit.

Let's take two wretchedly

happy married women,

both during the first two

years of their married lives

having treated their

exceedingly nice husbands

to the requisite amount

of passion and adoration.

- Yes, yes!

- After a certain time the

first ecstasies of passion

and adoration subside,

leaving in some instances

an arid waste of discontent.

- Yes, lovely, darling, yes.

- Resulting in some instances rank boredom

and rampant adultery on both sides.

- Don't be gross, Julia.

- And in other rare

instances, such as ours.

Complete happiness and tranquility

devoid of violent emotions of any kind

with the possible exception of golf.

- Yes, they get quite hotted up for golf.

- Quite.

And there lies the trouble.

At home, the lack of violent

emotion, fireworks, etc.

- I don't want fireworks.

- Neither do I.

Not the nice part of me,

but there's a beastly,

unworthy thing in both

of us waiting to spring.

It sprang before our marriage,

and it's waiting to spring again.

It hasn't been fed for a long time.

- Oh Julia!

- To put it mildly, dear,

we're both ripe for a lapse.

- Oh, no, it's a relapse.

- It's perfectly appalling,

and we're laughing on the

very edge of an abyss!

- It's sheer hysteria, I can't help it,

- We happened to throw

our respective bonnets

over the same windmill.

- In an act of wild abandon.

- And in a critical moment

in our matrimonial careers,

that windmill is coming to wreck us.

- But I don't want to be wrecked!

I don't want to be wrecked!

- Shh!

Saunders will hear you.

- Julia, don't you see?

What I suggested in the first

place, it's our only way.

We must both go at once

anywhere out of London!

- I shall do no such thing.

It would be most cowardly.

- A blind goat could

see through that dear.

- Well, all the same, I

shall stay and face it.

- If you do, I shall.

- There is not the least

necessity for us both to suffer.

- If you should imagine I

should enjoy being by myself

in Brighton while you were

gallivanting about London

with Maurice, you're very much mistaken.

- I should be too much upset to gallivant.

- No, dear, it won't do.

- What do you mean, "it won't do"?

- We stand or fall together.

- Well, I don't mind standing together,

but I won't fall together

it would be most unseemly.

- Oh, I don't know, would it?

- Jane!

- Julia!

- Really.

- I am not going to be left

out of anything anyway.

- Very well then, I'll

go away and you can stay.

- Yes, yes, that will be alright.

- What about standing or falling together?

- Well, you see, I'm willing

to sacrifice myself for you.

- Liar!

- Julia, how can you?

- I thought so.

- I don't know what you mean.

- Oh yes, you do.

- If you're going to be cross, I shall go.

- I'm not in the least bit cross.

I'm just seeing through you, that's all.

- Seeing through me!

- Pane of glass, darling.

- But who was it who

wouldn't leave London today

because it would be cowardly, hmm?

- Are you insinuating,

dear, that I want to stay?

- Not insinuating, dear,

I'm dead certain of it.

- Ha, ha, Jane really.

Too amusing for words.

- You're simply longing for him.

- Jane!

- You are, you know you are!

- So are you!

- Certainly I am.

- Oh, Jane, we must be very careful.

- We were always careful, thank heavens.

- But I don't mean about

him, I mean about us.

- Oh!

- Don't you see what's going to happen?

- Yes, yes, I do!

- It's always the way, when sex comes up.

It wrecks everything, it's

a beastly, rotten thing.

- It didn't wreck us before.

- But we weren't together then.

If we had been, we should

have been the blackest enemies

in five minutes.

- Yes, as it was you were a bit upset

when I met him afterwards.

- Well, I was awfully sweet about it.

- It was too late for

you to be anything else.

I took jolly good care not you didn't know

until it was over.

- Yes, that's true.

- We've been friends, great friends

since we were eight and nine respectively.

- Pals above honor.

- And in all probability

this will break all that up.

- We must make a vow that

however badly one or both of us

behaves during this black

and scarlet period before us.

When it's all over and died

down, we can reinstate ourselves

on the same concrete basis

of friendship and intimacy

without the slightest sacrificing

of pride on either side.

- Oh yes, yes, Jane darling, I vow it now!

- Darling, so do I.

Whatever we do.

- And whatever we say.

- When temporarily unhinged by sex.

- Afterwards, perfect friendship.

- And no apologies!

- Not one.

Oh Jane, I can't go through with it.

- Julia, you made a vow.

- No I can't. It would be too frightful.

- The agony.

- Let's do your plan, and fly.

- Together?

- Together!

- He'll think it so rude.

- Don't weaken, Jane.

- Frenchmen are so particular

about that sort of thing.

- It can't be helped, one can

carry good manners too far.

- We ought to be hospitable.

- Well, as neither of us can be hospitable

without giving him the run of the house.

We might as well leave him

to freeze on the doorstep.

- I know, we can leave him a letter.

- Of course, saying

we've been called away.

- Yes, that would ease my conscience.

- Now you write it whilst I

change and pack a few things.

Saunders, Saunders?

- Your French is better than mine.

- Never mind, I'll help.

Saunders, I want you to

pack a small suitcase.

I've been called away.

- Very good, Madame.

- Shall I start "Mon cher Maurice"?

- No, "Notre cher."

It's less compromising.

- All right.

All right, listen.

- Not "cette

fois," it sounds so sly.

- Well what shall I put?

- While you are in London.

No, Saunders, I shan't

need evening things at all.

While you are in London.

- What's while?

- I haven't the faintest idea.

- Pendant, madam.

- Oh, you speak French, Saunders?

- Yes, Madame.

- Good gracious!

- Good gracious, nothing it's wonderful.

Saunders, how would you say,

"We are very happily married?"

- Thank you.

You really are a treasure, Saunders!

- Thank you, Madame.

- Do you think this is quite the moment

to announce that we're happily married?

- Now or never.

- Well, put "isn't it fun" after it.

- I don't know how to.

Yes, but it isn't particularly.

Besides he'll think it so facetious.

- It probably will be to him,

he'll roar with laughter.

- Oh, very well.

- Put "have you got a beard yet?"

- Oh wouldn't it be awful if he had!

- Yes, but much less dangerous.

- Is beard masculine or feminine?

- Make it feminine,

he'll appreciate it more.

- All right.

All right, I think that's

all that's necessary for now.

- Yes, finish it off gracefully dear.

We must put that, it's mere politeness.

- Now we'll both sign our names.

Oh, what of Fred and Willy?

- We haven't time to

leave any more letters.

We'll telephone.

- Where from?

- Aberdeen! Come on!

- What do you think of my new hat?

- I hate it.

- It is rather sweet, isn't it.

Saunders, we're leaving a

note for a foreign gentleman

when he calls.

- Very good, Madame.

- All right.

- All right, I'm ready.

- I'm glad!

I'm tremendously glad,

we're doing the right thing.

Don't you feel marvelous?

- No, awful!

- Never mind.

Our better selves have won,

in spite of everything.

- Yes.

- Fore!

- I'm extremely hungry, Julia.

- So am I, ravenous.

- It's getting on for nine.

- I know.

- There's not the least

likelihood of him arriving

at this time.

- He might, especially if

the Paris train were late.

- We don't know whether

he was coming from Paris.

- Where else could he be coming from?

- Don't snap at me, Julia.

He might be coming from the

Channel Islands, or Brussels.

He's frightfully cosmopolitan.

- I'm quite certain that

he's coming from Paris.

- Well, anyway, the idea was

for him to arrive unexpectedly

and discover us dining in

charming domestic surroundings,

not sitting twiddling our thumbs

with eager strained expressions,

with the room decorated

like a Bridal Suite.

- That dear, was not in the best of taste.

- Neither are the flowers.

What have you got there, Saunders?

- Salted almonds, madam.

- Oh, good.

Will you have an almond?

- Well, it may assuage the pangs a little.

- The table looks pretty, doesn't it?

- Lovely, darling.

- I'm sorry I haven't got

a pebble for you to suck

to take away your hunger.

Yes, Saunders, amused?

- Oh, I'm so sorry, Madame.

- You're going to say something.

- Well, if you'll allow me to, Madame.

Pebbles are not sucked to

take away hunger, but thirst.

- Oh yes, I know that all right.

- In hot climates pebbles

are sucked a great deal.

They're sucked by the

nomads in the desert.

- Oh, really now!

I suppose you were in the desert yourself?

- I was, madam.

I was in the desert with the Red Cross.

I also visited several desert stations

when I was with the Foreign Legion.

Pebbles are wonderful for stammerers.

Did you know Demosthenes said.

- Oh, yes, yes, a very fine

philosopher, wasn't he,

a man with a great beard.

- They are also very

helpful with articulation,

are a great help for elocution,

remarkable for developing

the muscles of the tongue,

and the jaw, and certainly.

- Thank you, Saunders, curtain!

- Very good, madam.

- I feel I should be following her around

picking up all the names she's dropped.

It's been the most shattering day.

- I shall never forget your face

when after all that suspense,

the plumber arrived.

- I'm thankful he did, all the same.

- Why?

- Domestic reasons, details unpleasant.

Shall we have a drink?

- Oh, not on empty tummies.

- I shall get deep depression if we don't.

- We shall lapse into silliness

and when Maurice does come

we shall giggle helplessly at

him and our heads will bobble.

- Martinis please, Saunders. Strong ones.

- Oh, Julia!

- Very strong ones.

- Very good, Madame.

- And if one isn't

enough, we shall have two.

- Not on your life!

- If you will allow me to say so, Madame,

several drinks never do any harm.

It is just the first which is dangerous.

After that the damage is done.

- Obviously you speak from experience.

- I used to be a barmaid, madam.

- Well, I never...

All I ask is that she was never an item

in the scandal sheets.

- Julia, Julia, I don't

believe he ever will come.

- Neither do I.

It's probably all an elfin joke.

He was always being elfin.

- So terribly unreliable.

- I wouldn't trust him an inch.

- I never did.

- All the same, he was a darling!

- Adorable, damn him!

- And he doesn't know

many people in England.

- I think he will come.

- So do I.

- And he'll kiss our

hands and look up at us

while he does it, remember?

- I remember all right.

- And then he'll laugh

and show all his teeth.

Many more than a usual.

I say, you know what

we're doing, don't you?

- What?

- Working ourselves up.

We have been all day.

- I know I seem calm.

But I should like to

scream, scream and scream,

and just roll around on the floor.

- So should I, but we

must restrain ourselves.

- It's the want of food.

- That's what it is.

- Don't let's wait any longer.

- All right.

- Martinis, straight-up, with a twist.

- Dinner, please, Saunders.

- And quickly.

- Very good, Madame.

Shall I open the champagne?

- Not yet.

- Oh, yes, yes, open it.

Champagne is a great strengthener.

- Very great, Madame.

You know, when I was younger-

- Of course you've sailed the oceans.

- How ever did you guess, Madame?

- I think perhaps it's something

about the way you walk.

- My walk?

I don't understand what you mean.

- Bit of a maritime gait.

As though to a distant hornpipe, woo.

You may serve dinner now, Saunders.

- Very good, madam.

- If she goes on I shall

throw her through the door.

- Listen, there's a taxi.

- Quick! Quick!

- Yes, yes, before he's at the entrance.

Oh it's too dark, I can't see.

- No, no, he's got a black hat.

- It must be, it must be.

- Oh no, it's the beastly

woman from downstairs.

How dare she drive about in taxis.

- Dinner is served, madam.

Des hutres.

- How lovely of you to

think of oysters, dear.

- They do give a grand feeling.

It's awfully necessary for

us to feel grand tonight.

- Wouldn't it be dreadful if

Fred and Willy came home drunk?

- Whatever do you mean Jane?

To amusing for words.

Yes, of course, frightful.

I'd forgotten it was Saturday.

- Saturday?

- Yes, naturally depressing in

November because of the fog.

- Oh, yes, but only if you pay

your subscription in advance.

Thank you, Saunders, that will be all.

- Very good madam.

- You really must be more careful, Jane.

- I'm sorry, but I quite

forgot she was there.

- I say, wouldn't it be too wonderful

if he arrived suddenly now?

- I should choke.

- You're sure you left a

thoroughly clear message

at your flat in case he went there first?

- Of course.

- We're bound to get the frightful

shock when we do see him.

- Oh I don't really see why.

- He's bound to have

got fat, or gone bald.

- No, he won't have changed.

He wouldn't come at all if he had

because he's far too conceited.

- No, not conceited, a little

vain perhaps, naturally.

- With those eyes who can blame him?

- And those hands.

- And those teeth.

- And those legs!

- Madam, may I present.

- The cushions of the carriages

are always so dusty, I find.

- Yes, and whoever named him Waterfall,

got it absolutely right.

- I have heard that the

worst part of parenting

is the children.

- Yes, and how they know

if an animal is extinct?

Have they looked everywhere?

- Be careful, mesdames, it is quite hot.

- Thank you.

- Would you have some more champagne?

- Oh no, thank you.

- Oh, come on, do.

- Well, tip it up!

- You know, I'm feeling

much better now, aren't you?

- Oh, yes, it's all been

such a wonderful adventure.

- It hasn't started yet.

- Oh, yes, I've enjoyed today enormously.

- Oh, Jane, how can you?

It's been damnable.

- Yes, but it's been so exciting.

And I do love something

to break the monotony.

- Don't be young, Jane.

- You're being very superior, Julia,

but you're just as thrilled as I am.

- I see such blackness

ahead if we're not careful.

- Yes, we mustn't lose our heads.

- Perhaps he won't want us to this time.

- I suddenly have beastly

pangs about Fred and Willy.

- Oh, so have I.

- We're being so disloyal.

- Yes, but only in thought so far.

- My god!

I'll go.

- I'll go.

- My house! My house! My house!

Yes, hallo? It's Park 8720.

It is speaking, is that you, Maurice?

- Uncle Hugo, is that you...

- Oh!

- No, no, I thought it was someone else.

- Oh damn!

- He's playing golf with Willy.

- Oh, damn, damn, damn.

- Shut up, Jane.

No, not you.

Yes, of course I'll tell him.

- He's an old fool.

- I hate all Fred's relations, anyway.

- He's probably gone straight to a hotel,

will have a lovely hot

bath, change his clothes,

and come on here after.

- I wonder.

- He always had a bath

after a journey, remember.

- I hadn't forgotten, dear.

- And he'll wear a soft silk

shirt with his dinner-jacket,

so beautifully careless.

- Oh, Jane, do stop, you're

making me feel dreadful.

- I can see him now, threading

his way between the tables

outside Florian's on the Piazza San Marco.

We used to stroll languidly

along the Grand Canal

and take our gondola

for the nightly serenata

and we'd lie back and look up at the stars

and darling little men would

just pour out their souls

in the most shattering tenor voices.

- Ah, la bella serenata.

- And we would glide through

the secret little canals

until we suddenly came

out into the big lagoon

behind Venice, away from everywhere.

And Maurice would take me in his arms

and the world seemed to go-

- Madame For your enjoyment,

may I present Tournedos

and Pommes Dauphin.

- The worst of a circus is,

I'm always terrified that

they ill-treat the animals.

- Yes and they say Uncle Harry's

not a missionary anymore.

- Who decided white was the

best color for undergarments?

- Yes, I often wonder if

the ocean would be deeper

were it not for the sponges.

- Voila!

- I hope you haven't forgotten

the sauce Bearnaise, Saunders?

- No, Madame, it's just here.

- Oh, I'm sure it'll be most delicious.

- More champagne?

- All right.

- Pull yourself together, Jane.

Saunders, leave the potatoes

and answer the door.

- Very good, Madame.

Eat a little soft bread, Madame.

- Go on eat the bread.

Saunders told you to,

and she knows everything.

- I'm all right I'm

better, all better now.

- It's a foreign gentleman, Madame.

- Why didn't you show him in?

- Well, he says he won't come in.

He only wants to know if

there's a Madame Gambilitti

living here.

- Is it some sort of code?

- Maybe. What's he like?

- Well, he's quite respectable, Madame,

with a long mustache.

- Come on, Jane, we'll peep.

Let me first.

No, it isn't him.

Why didn't you tell him there

was no Madame Whatshername

and get rid of him?

- You said you were expecting

a foreign gentleman, Madame,

and I thought I'd better keep him in case.

- Well, get rid of him now.

- Very good, Madame.

- Well it's downright

cruel, is what it is.

- It's the first time that

anybody not aggressively English

has rung that bell since we came here!

- Because of his beastly Madame

Gambilitti of all nights.

Indecent!

- Here, let's have some more champagne?

- No, thank you.

- Don't shout.

- I shall shout if I like, Julia.

You mustn't be so bossy.

- Here, let's have a toast!

No, a toast.

- Maurice Duclos.

- Maurice Duclos!

No heel taps!

- Well, that was silly of us.

- Cut your steak.

- Julia, wouldn't it be

awful if a tree blew down

and k*lled Fred and

Willy on the golf links?

- Oh Jane, how can you?

- It would serve us right.

- No, it would be too awful.

I should never forgive myself.

- Neither should I.

- But if a frightful gale started up.

A deadly wind.

- Yes, wind.

Such things do happen.

- No, they don't, not if

you don't think about them.

It's mind over matter.

- Julia, I do admire you,

because you're so strong and sensible.

- Nonsense, dear, it's just

that I'm not afraid of life.

- You're brave.

- But no braver than you, Jane darling.

- We must both be brave always.

- We must be brave

always, whatever happens.

- Even if Fred and Willy were k*lled.

We should have to bear it.

- That's right, Jane darling,

we wouldn't break down,

would we?

We'd face the world with a smile.

- Maybe not quite a smile,

we might be misunderstood.

- My poor darling Fred, I can see Fred now

being carried in on a stretcher.

- And there's Willy on another stretcher.

- Madam, may I present,

Profiteroles au chocolat.

- I don't want any more,

because I've had enough.

- Well so have I, but we must go on,

it will keep up our strength.

- Oh, they look lovely.

Tinker, tailor, soldier, spy...

- No, you do that with cherrystones.

- I like doing it with these.

Lovely squidgy - More champagne?

- No, thank you.

- Here you go.

- Thank you.

- Do you know, the silly part is,

that I'm now beginning to feel sleepy.

- I'm not, I just feel cozy.

- No, I'm terribly, terribly sleepy.

Saunders, would you bring

in the coffee please?

- Very good, Madame.

- Julia, Saunders is such a pretty girl.

- She is, isn't she?

She's a very pretty girl...

- She ought to do very good

in life because she's so calm.

- What are you laughing at?

- You look awfully funny.

- What's the matter with me?

- I don't know, you just do.

- Well, so do you.

- It's our heads, I think.

They're much too big.

- Oh right, they're gargantuan.

- They're mammoth.

- That's 'cos we've

had too much champagne.

- Oh, much too much.

- I'm beginning to feel

very warm and comfortable.

- Yes, so am I.

I feel absolutely splendid.

A child could play with me.

- My turn!

My turn!

My turn!

- It must be him this time.

- I'll sit on the edge of

the sofa I'll sit here.

- Hallo!

- Well, he is not deaf.

- Yes, this is Park 8724.

- No, it isn't.

No, it isn't.

- Keep quiet, I can't hear.

- Do look on the thing.

- No, it isn't, it isn't, it's 8720.

Oh they've cut off Julia.

It's a trunk call, what am I to do?

Exchange, hallo?

- Go on, put back the receiver.

- No it will only go on

ringing and ringing and ringing

if I do.

Exchange, hello?

- Oh, give it to me for heaven's sake.

- Hallo, Hallo?

Let me have my...

Let me talk to him.

Give me the phone.

- No Julia, I've got it.

- Hallo?

No, no it's the wrong number.

No, I'm not, I'm somebody quite different.

Oh, do shut up then.

Oh, what a shame!

Why on earth did you?

Why on earth did you say

we were Park 8724 for?

You ought to know the number by now.

- I couldn't help it, dear,

because he jumped at me.

- Don't fib.

You were all in a flutter

because you thought it was Maurice.

- I was as calm as a cucumber.

I wish you wouldn't follow me around.

Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop it.

Stop it.

Stop it.

Stop it.

Stop it.

- Well why on earth you said

it was 8724 I can't imagine.

- I told you I couldn't help it.

- Oh don't argue, Jane, when

one's been stupid over anything

it's much better not to argue.

- Oh stupid indeed! I like that!

Why, if you...

Oh, it's ringing.

Oh, isn't it pretty!

It's like the bells of San Marco.

- Leave it to me.

- It's gotta be him.

- Hallo? No, it's that wrong number again.

Oh, it'll probably go on ringing all night

because you said it was Park 8720.

- I didn't, I said Park 8724.

- Jane, how can you?

You said 8720.

- It is 8720.

- No, it isn't.

- Look on the thing.

- Oh I shall go mad,

that's all, and it will serve you right.

- Stop it ringing.

Stop it ringing.

- Stop it.

- Coffee, madame?

- I don't care what happens

now, I'm just past everything.

- No, no, have some coffee?

- Thank you.

- Liqueur?

- That would be ridiculous.

- Cordial Medoc, Saunders.

- Shall we have it in tumblers?

- I ordered it specially.

It rounds off the dinner so nicely.

- Oh, it certainly will.

- Here we are, madam.

- Thank you, Saunders.

That will do now.

- Very good, Madame.

- Oh, it's terribly strong.

- Yes, it's supposed to

make one feel rather.

- Have some fruit?

- Oh no, I couldn't.

- Oh, come on, do.

It rounds off the dinner so nicely.

- For heaven's sake stop

rounding off the dinner,

it's getting on my nerves.

- Well don't be temperamental.

- Do you think it would matter

if I just took off my shoes?

- No, not at all.

Good manners in Japan, I believe.

- If Maurice had any

instincts he'd arrive now,

just looking marvelous.

- And make the most lovely

sort of baffled scene.

- What would baffle him?

- Us of course, because

we'd be so gloriously aloof

and stately.

- I shouldn't be aloof.

I should give in without a murmur.

- Then he'd want me more.

- If you think that's the way to make him,

you'd better encourage me.

- You don't need any encouraging.

- What do does that mean?

- What I say.

- Oh, yes of course.

- Anyway, Jane, I should never allow you

to cheapen yourself.

- How dare you!

- How dare I what?

- Insult me.

- I didn't insult you.

- You did, you went too far.

What you said was beyond a joke.

- It wasn't meant to be a joke.

I hate jokes, bitterly.

- Then you meant what I said?

- Meant what?

- How can anyone carry on

a conversation with you

when you keep on saying

what, what, what, what, what,

what, what all the time?

If you can't say what I grasp,

then you'd better go to bed.

- That was exceedingly rude of you, Jane.

- You're annoying me, Julia.

- Unfortunately, this

happens to be my flat.

- Never mind, you'll

get used to it in time.

- You're too clever.

- Don't say that, makes me

sound like a pickpocket.

- Oh stop bickering, Jane.

- How can I stop bickering

when you sit there abusing me?

- I never abused you.

- Yes, you did.

You insinuated that I was brazen.

- Well, so you are brazen, sometimes.

We all are, it's human nature

to be brazen sometimes.

- Nothing of the sort.

- Oh, do stop contradicting

everything I say.

It's infuriating me now.

- Who was it who wouldn't

leave London today?

- Why should I want to leave London today?

Oh, that was good.

I'm very, very disappointed in you, Jane.

I thought you had a nicer mind than that.

- Oh, I suppose you think your mind

is a lovely gift basket

filled with mixed fruit

with a bow on top?

- Well, it's better

than an old sardine tin

with a few fins left in it.

- Oh you'll regret that remark

in your soberer moments.

- Here, have a cigarette.

- Thank you.

- Light?

- No, thank you.

You got put it over here a little bit.

- Clever.

- Put it up there a little bit.

- Why is it so far away?

- Put it up there a little bit.

- Up there?

- Put it down there.

- One more time.

- Put it over there.

I had such an amusing letter

from Aunt Harriet this morning.

- Oh, did you? Did you?

I thought she was dead.

- I think you must be muddling

her up with someone else.

- Go on, dear.

Tell me some more news.

I love you when you're offended.

- I'm not offended, a little hurt perhaps,

and surprised at how disappointed I am.

- How dare you draw yourself up

and become the outraged hostess with me!

- I'm sorry, I must have

lost my sense of humor.

Perhaps because I'm tired.

You and I been together so much lately,

I think we're grating

on one another's nerves.

- You're right.

Now tell me, where are my shoes?

- Well, I really don't know.

They can't have gone far, can they?

- I should like to shake

you, shake you and shake you

and shake you until your eyes drop out.

- Indeed?

- When you're superior and grand like that

you rouse the very worst in me.

- Obviously.

- I'd like to rush up and down Bond Street

with one of your tiny heads on a pole.

- I should think it would be as well

for you to pull yourself together

and I'll ask Saunders to see

you upstairs to your flat.

- If she comes near me

I shall throttle her.

- I've never actually

seen you violent before.

It's very interesting psychologically.

- Oh, it's pompous.

I could bring you down to

earth with a thump if I liked.

- What vulgarity!

- This is not vulgarity.

It's something I was more

ashamed of than vulgarity,

but I'm not ashamed of it any more, Julia.

I've kept something from you.

- I wish you'd go home, Jane.

- I must have realized all along

that you were going to

turn out false and beastly.

- What are you talking about?

- Never you mind what I'm talking about.

Now tell me, where are my shoes?

- Never mind your shoes.

You tell me what you mean?

- Give me my shoes.

- They're probably under the

table, where you left them.

Now you'd better get them and go.

- And now I'm glad that

I did keep it to myself.

- When you're properly shod, I

thank you so much for coming.

- I suppose you're still

too grand to be curious

when it concerns Maurice.

- Oh, it concerns Maurice, does it?

- Yes, I thought that would rouse you.

- I think you'd better tell me

if you don't want to wreck

our friendship forever.

- It most certainly will

wreck our friendship.

Wreck our friendship, wreck our friendship

when I do tell you,

Julia, and I don't care.

I know where he is.

- It's a lie.

- No, it's true.

He telephoned me while

I was dressing tonight.

- Jane!

- Yes, I didn't want to tell you

because I thought it would

have hurt your feelings.

But now I know that you haven't

got any feelings to hurt.

Only a shallow sort of social vanity.

- Where is he, then?

You tell me now.

- I shall do nothing of the sort.

I don't want you to rush round there

and make a fool of yourself.

- Oh. How dare you!

How dare you!

You're utterly completely contemptible.

If it's true, you're

a sniveling hypocrite!

If it's false, you're a bare-faced liar!

There's nothing to choose between you!

Please go at once!

- Certainly I shall!

And it may interest you to know

that I'm going straight to Maurice!

- Liar.

- It's true. And I shall

go away with him at once.

And you and Fred and Willy can go to hell,

the lot of you!

- No!

No!

No!

No! Jane.

No!

Saunders, you may clear away now.

It was delicious.

Any little fish can swim

Any little bird can fly

Any little dog

Or any little cat

Can do a bit of this

And just a bit of that

Any little horse can neigh

And any little cow can moo

But I can't do anything at all

But just love you

Any little c*ck can crow

Any little fox can run

Any little crab

On any little shore

Can have a little dab

And then a little more

Any little owl can hoot

Any any little dove can coo

But I can't do anything at all

That I can't do anything at all

But just love you

- Ugh.

- Yes, Madam?

- When I say a soft-boiled egg,

I don't mean an un-boiled egg.

- Oof, positively embryonic.

You know, I once worked at a chicken-

- No. No.

There was also a long brown

hair in the marmalade.

- Was there, madam?

- Oh I haven't the remotest

idea how it got there

as we are both not brunettes.

Perhaps it was Mr. Smucker's.

- Yes, Madame.

- Anyway, in future please

search the marmalade.

- Very good, Madame.

- I'm inclined against the

theory that it was Mr. Smucker's

as there was also a hair in the milk

you've just brought in.

- Good gracious!

- See for yourself.

- Oh, my!

- Perhaps it came from the milkman?

- No, I don't think so, Madame.

- Why not?

- The milkman is bald.

- That's sanitary.

- It's a mystery, Madame.

- It's no mystery, it's

milk I cannot drink.

- Very good, Madame.

You know, I think I have

just the right thing

for your little hangover, madam.

- What's that?

- One moment.

I think you'll find this

an excellent remedy.

- What have you got there?

- A tonic.

- Oh no, I couldn't possibly!

- Oh yes, madam, please,

just try a little.

Do you know when I was

entertaining the troops?

- Oh, all right. All right, ssh, ssh.

- How do you feel, madam?

- I say, Saunders, it's

doing me good already.

- I knew it would.

- Good morning, Julia.

- Thank you, Saunders, that will be all.

- Very good, madam.

- What on earth are you doing here?

Where's Fred?

- I left him at the

Grand Hotel, Chichester.

- Where's Jane?

- Don't you know?

- I haven't the faintest idea.

She might be anywhere by now.

- What do you mean by now?

Just by now.

What's the matter?

- Nothing.

- What's happened?

- Oh, probably everything by now.

- What are you talking about?

- Oh, don't be tiresome, Willy!

- Well, I made sure

Jane would be with you.

Where's she gone?

- Stop cross-questioning me.

Anyone would think I'd m*rder*d her

and put her in a box or something.

- Well, from the furtive

way you're behaving

I shouldn't be in the least surprised.

- Well, what about you?

What do you mean by leaving Fred alone

at the Grand Hotel, Chichester?

- We had a row over golf.

- Oh, did you!

- Yes, Fred infuriated me.

- I'm very sorry.

I'll speak to him severely.

- Thank you.

And I felt I couldn't bear

to meet him at breakfast

and go all over it again,

so I crept out and left

by the early train.

- What did you row about?

- Nothing.

- That's the worst kind.

- Have you quarreled with Jane?

- Yes, bitterly.

- About what?

- Nothing.

- Oh!

- We got drunk.

- What?

- Extremely drunk.

- Julia!

- Well, Jane was much worse

than I was, and we quarreled.

- I can't go away for a quiet game of golf

without you making Jane drunk.

- I didn't make her.

She was filling her boots, trust me.

- Oh, disgusting, I call it.

- She banged out of the flat.

- Where is she now?

- I don't know, and I don't care.

- Don't be callous, Julia.

- She's probably upstairs

in bed sleeping it off.

- She isn't.

I've just been there.

- I thought you came straight here.

- No, I had a large bag and golf clubs.

- Are you sure that Jane isn't at home?

- Perfectly, but I didn't worry

because I thought she'd be with you.

- Then it was true.

- What was true?

- Oh!

Oh!

- What in God's name's the matter?

- I was going to ring her up

and try to make friends again.

I didn't believe for a moment that.

I never thought.

Oh!

- Never believed what?

- She must have been steadily deceiving me

all through dinner.

How dare she!

Oh, oh, oh!

- Julia, will you stop still

and explain what's happened?

- I'll stop still and explain!

Oh yes, I'll explain all right.

The sly, underhanded little.

- Will you please remember

that you are referring to my wife.

- Your wife. Huh! Optimist!

- Julia!

- Oh Willy, my poor, poor Willy.

- You're maddening me, Julia.

- To think that she could behave like this

after all these years, I

Think it's contemptible!

- What's happened to Jane?

Where has she gone?

- I should like to break

it to you gently, Willy.

She's gone off with a man.

- What!

Never.

- A Frenchman.

- Nonsense, she can't have.

- I tell you she has.

- I don't believe it.

You're unhinged.

- I'm perfectly hinged.

It's true.

- I'm sorry, Julia,

but I don't believe it.

I know Jane too well.

She'd never rush off like

that at a moment's notice.

- She knew where he was all

the time, and she went to him.

- She was pulling your leg.

- Don't be so pig-headed, Willy.

This is one of the few

big moments in your life,

and you're behaving like a ninny.

- If you think stamping

up and down the room

and slandering Jane is

a big moment in my life

you're very much mistaken.

- But it's true!

She's known him for years.

She was in love with him

before she married you,

before she met you.

- Don't be ridiculous.

- Your smug complacency is beyond belief.

I suppose you think that

no woman would ever dare

to leave you?

- Jane couldn't, she'd hate it.

- You're going to have

a shattering awakening.

- I say, Julia, don't

go on ramping any more.

Just calm down and explain things quietly.

I'll pour myself out

some coffee, if I may.

Now, you and Jane are pals, remember?

You always say.

- Pals.

- Oh.

- What's up now?

- Oh, I'm a beast.

I'm a traitress.

- No, you're not.

You'll be better in a moment.

- But Willy, I'm sorry,

but what I told you just

now was true, Willy.

- Yes, I'm trying hard to understand.

I can't help feeling that

there's something awfully silly

behind all this.

It doesn't seem to ring true.

- I suppose you think I'm playing

an amusing practical joke on you?

- It wouldn't surprise me one

bit, but if it's not that,

you've either deceived

yourself into believing it

or else you're making a mistake.

- But, Willy.

- If Jane really had left me,

I know I should have some

sort of feeling about it,

but I haven't.

- Well, that'll come later.

- Who is this man she's

supposed to be with?

- He's a Frenchman.

Maurice Duclos.

We both knew him before we married.

- Did you know him well?

- Extremely well.

- And Jane?

Was Jane in love with him then?

- Yes, violently.

We both were.

- Did you, er, did you?

- Yes, Willy.

- Where?

- Pisa.

- And did Jane ever?

- Yes, Willy.

- Oh good God, where?

- Venice.

And Florence.

And Florence.

- This is horrible, This is terrible.

- Willy, I'm sorry.

- No save your apologies for Fred.

I'm going to find Jane.

- Well, then, I'm coming with you, Willy.

- And she's seeing this man

since we've been married?

- No.

At least, I don't know.

She's such a liar.

- When did you last see him?

- Nine years ago on the

railway station at Pisa.

We were both going to Paris together,

and at the last moment I

wanted a salami sandwich.

And as he hated garlic we had a row.

He was far too temperamental, anyway,

so I pushed him out onto the platform

just as the train was starting.

I regretted it bitterly at

the time, but now I'm glad.

I'm glad I did.

- I think you ought to

be ashamed of yourself.

- I didn't push him very hard.

- I don't mean about that.

I mean the whole affair.

- Willy, are you daring

to disapprove of me?

- Yes, you're devoid of

the slightest moral sense.

- Well what about Jane?

- Well Jane is different.

She's just weak.

You probably set her a bad example.

- I set her a bad example!

- I wouldn't mind betting

you met the beastly man first

and then told Jane all about

it and generally egged her on.

You've always been an awful influence.

- She didn't need any egging.

She met him and was off to the races.

She never told you, did you?

- Oh, she was probably

too ashamed and repentant.

- Repentant my foot!

- Anyhow, it's more than you are.

You're positively glorying in your shame!

- If I'd known what a

smug little man you were

I'd never have let Jane marry you anyway.

- And if I'd known how much.

- If I'd known how

utterly lacking you were

in all the finer feelings

I'd never have let Fred come near you.

- I should think it would be

as well to stop hurling abuse

at me and go in search of your weak

but strictly virtuous wife.

Who, if she hasn't succeeded

in finding Maurice Duclos,

is probably staggering about the streets

in deep evening dress and hiccupping.

- You must come with me.

- I shall do no such thing.

- You said you would.

- That was before your insults to me.

- I am truly sorry.

But please come. She can't have gone far.

- Judging by her condition

when she left this flat

last night, she might have gone further

than our wildest dreams.

- Please come, Julia.

- I'll come up to your flat.

She may have left a note or something.

- I never thought of that.

- Wait a moment.

- I say, Julia, I'm sorry

for what I said just now.

- And so you ought to be.

- But I still don't believe it all quite.

- I want to make one thing

perfectly clear to you.

I'm not coming with you

because I wish to help you.

I'm coming because I wish to find Jane

and tell her exactly what I think of her.

- I say, Julia, don't be beastly to her.

She's probably feeling pretty awful.

- I don't care if she's feeling heavenly,

she won't be when I've finished with her.

- Julia.

Julia!

Julia!

- Hallo!

No, she's not in, Sir.

When will she be back?

Well, I don't know, sir,

she didn't say, sir.

Yes, sir.

What name, sir?

One moment, sir.

All right.

Maurice Duclos, Park 9264.

Bien, Monsieur.

Au revoir, Monsieur.

- Saunders!

- Oh, sir!

What a start you gave me.

- Where's the mistress?

- She's gone out, sir.

- Gone out?

But it's bucketing down.

- Yes, sir.

- Where's she gone?

- I don't know, sir.

- She's up visiting with

Mrs. Banbury, I expect.

Run up, will you, and

tell her I've come back?

- Very good, sir.

What number is it, sir?

- Number 5, two flights up.

- Very good, sir.

- Good heavens!

- What?

- Have you been out all night?

- Yes.

- Lucky for you I left

Willy at Chichester.

- Oh, you did you?

- Yes, sleeping like a hog.

I left early in the car.

- Why?

- Well, as a matter of fact,

we had rather a row last night.

Forgive me saying so, your

husband is a fool sometimes.

- Really?

I've always found him

extremely intelligent.

- Where have you been?

- Mind your own business.

- Well don't jump down my throat.

It was quite a harmless question.

- I object to your dictatorial tone.

- Well, to come in dressed

like that at eleven o'clock

in the morning.

- If I choose to come

in naked on a tricycle,

it's no affair of yours.

Where's Julia?

- I don't know, she went

out before I arrived.

- Out? Out where?

- I haven't the faintest idea.

I thought she'd probably be with you.

- The mistress isn't

at Mrs. Banbury's, sir.

- Oh!

- Don't look so startled, Saunders.

You left the door open, so I walked in.

- Yes, madam.

- Saunders, what time

did the mistress go out?

- Just before you came in, sir.

- Was she alone?

- No, sir, there was a gentleman with her.

- A what?

- A gentleman, Madame.

- Who was it?

- I don't know, sir.

He didn't leave any name.

He just walked straight in.

- What was he like?

- Like a man.

Like a man, regular man.

Medium height, attractive.

- Oh, was he.

- Why, what's the matter?

- I'm extremely sorry for you, Fred.

Extremely sorry for you.

- That will do, Saunders.

- Yes, sir.

Shall I retrieve your golf clubs?

- Yes. Now then, Jane, what do you mean?

- Don't speak to me for a moment.

Just don't speak to me.

I'm trying to control myself.

- What's all this mystery about?

- There is no mystery,

I'm afraid, any more.

It's all far too clear.

- Now then, Jane, tell me at once.

What's happened?

- Fred, you'll know all too soon enough.

Julia was my friend.

I have no intention of being disloyal.

- Jane, tell me what's happened!

- I can't possibly.

Julia may be double-faced, treacherous,

and thoroughly immoral.

But I repeat, she was my friend.

- Oh, I see it all now.

You had a row last night, too.

- Yes, we did.

- What about?

- I don't know.

Julia spoke rather indistinctly.

- Do you know where she's gone now?

- I have a shrewd suspicion,

but my lips are sealed.

- Tell me at once.

- I can't possibly Fred.

Oh no!

Oh no!

- What's the matter now?

- So she knew.

All along it was on the telephone pad.

- Knew what?

- How dare she.

How dare she.

It's contemptible.

It's... Oh, oh the

sneaking hypocrite.

Oh, the despicable squalor of it all.

To be deceived like that

by one's best friend,

and for such a sordid purpose.

Oh!

Oh!

- Maurice? Who is this?

- Don't speak to me.

Don't speak to me.

- What does this mean?

- It means that Julia has deserted you.

- Deserted me?

- She's gone off with that

Frenchman, Maurice Duclos.

She's known him for years.

Long before you were married in Italy.

- You're as mad as a bag of frogs.

- No, I'm terribly sane.

- But you surely don't

expect me to believe

that Julia would leave me

suddenly without rhyme or reason?

- She'd do anything.

She hasn't a single scruple

or a pang of conscience anywhere.

She'd lie, slander, forge,

thieve, m*rder, anything.

There's no crime she wouldn't touch.

She's a thorough out and

bad lot, she.

- Oh, pull yourself together, Jane.

You're overwrought because

you've had a row with Julia.

- Go away, go away and leave me alone.

- You know perfectly well you like her

more than anyone else in

the world, and always will.

- Stop, Fred, stop!

- She's probably feeling

just as bad as you are

this very moment.

- Not she. She's far too

busy having a wonderful time.

- Jane, do please control yourself.

- I came back here even before going home,

because I wanted to make up with her.

I've had a wretched night

all by myself in a hotel

in Bayswater.

- Why on earth Bayswater?

- Because the taxi man took me there.

Fred, Fred, I'll tell you everything.

It's awful.

Before we were married

we both had an affair

with the same man, and

he's come to England,

and we were terrified we'd

fall in love with him again

so we worked ourselves up and

got terribly drunk and waited.

And after dinner Julia got grand

and she ordered me out of the house,

so I pretended I knew where he was

and was going straight to him,

and I went to the

Granville Hotel, Bayswater.

- Was he there?

- Was he there?

- Yes.

- No, of course he wasn't.

- Where is he then?

- He's with Julia.

- Ridiculous!

I don't believe a word of it.

- Nothing of the sort.

His name is there, in capitals

on the telephone block,

and Saunders saw her go out with a man.

- You say you both knew him in Italy

before you were married?

- Yes, Fred.

- And you both?

- Yes, Fred.

- Oh.

Well, don't stand there

and say "Yes, Fred!"

- Well, it's true, Fred.

- You appall me absolutely!

Your dreadful matter-of-fact callousness.

"Yes, Fred."

Oh, the horror.

- Don't be so melodramatic.

- Melodramatic?

It's beyond the pale!

I suppose you feel proud of yourself,

having led Julia into this

blackguard's clutches.

- Led her, that's funny.

- Yes, led her deliberately.

You've got a depraved mind.

- And you are insufferable and pompous.

Just because you like

to wallow in quagmire,

you think that everyone else

likes wallow in a quagmire.

- Jane, don't be ridiculous.

You ought to be humble and ashamed

instead of belligerent and proud.

- Humble and ashamed!

Do you expect me to believe

you led a model life

before marriage?

- That's beside the point.

- No, it isn't.

Julia would never have

married you if you did.

You'd have been far too

dull and inexperienced at-

- Jane, really?

- Anyway, it's no use going

on anymore, it's just stupid.

The great thing is what

are you going to do now?

- Do! I'm going to find Julia.

- How nice for you that will be.

- And you're coming with me.

- Oh no, I'm not.

I've had quite enough of Julia to last me

for the rest of my life.

- Fred!

- Jane!

- Julia!

- Willy!

- Where have you been?

- Oh it was you who went

out with Julia and not.

- Good morning, Jane.

- Oh, Julia, I've said something awful.

- I'm not at all surprised.

- How did you get up here?

- I left by the early train.

- Julia, I haven't been where you thought.

I've been all by myself

at a hotel in Bayswater.

- What?

- I came back here to

find you and found Fred.

Saunders said she'd seen

you go out with a man,

and I found that on the telephone pad.

- I want to get this all

cleared up now please.

Willy, what has Julia told you?

- About Jane and a sniveling

Frenchman in Venice.

- Julia!

- What's Jane told you?

- About Julia and a Frenchman in Pisa.

- Well, I'll never, never speak

to you again in all my life.

- It's not true!

Any of it!

It's all a joke.

We made it up between us to have a joke

It's a joke.

- She's lying.

Julia, tell me the truth.

- Certainly I will.

It's all a fuss about nothing.

Jane and I have been perfectly

faithful to you both always.

- Before marriage?

- Well, we couldn't be faithful

to you before we met you.

- Enough, is this Frenchman story true?

- Jane, forgive me,

forgive me for everything.

We've got to stand together now.

- Pals above honor.

- Alright.

Listen, Willy.

- Fred, listen.

- Madam, for your enjoyment.

Monsieur Maurice Duclos.

- Julia!

- Oh dear.

- Jane!

- Julia.

- I fear I may go mad.

- Willy, may I present

Monsieur Duclos, my husband.

- That is me.

- How do you do?

- Maurice, this is my husband.

- How do you do?

I had no idea.

I haven't seen Julia for so long.

- Oh-h*!

But when did you see Jane?

- I beg your pardon?

- Shut up, Willy.

- You speak English very well now.

- Yes, nine years.

It seems like yesterday.

- Do you think we've changed?

- Oh, not at all.

I met your wife abroad, years ago.

It is so strange renewing old friendships.

- Damned strange.

- Willy!

- My first day in London and look at it.

Having a storm.

- I should like to have

a little chat with you,

Monsieur Duclos, there are

several things I want explained.

- I look forward to it.

- Look here, I can't

stand this any longer!

Look here, you've arrived

at a very opportune moment.

We have just discovered.

- What have you discovered?

- Oh, it has succeeded

beyond our wildest dreams!

- What do you mean?

- Too cruel of us to

ask Maurice here today,

to help us out as an old friend...

- Yes, to be a pawn in

our romantic chess game.

- Whatever are they on about?

- It was cruel of you to

ask me here this morning

without warning me.

It was cruel of you.

It would serve you right

if I gave you away.

- You needn't trouble.

They've already done that for themselves.

- Please, please tell them the truth now.

It places me in such an

embarrassing position.

- No, Maurice, please, please. You do it.

You tell them the truth

about the wonderful joke

we had planned for them and why.

- Yes, please do, go now.

- I'm afraid we already know the truth.

Nothing much more to be said.

- Do you love your wife, monsieur?

- Mind your own business.

- What do you mean?

What are you getting at?

- I have your permission

to speak about the joke?

- Yes, please do.

- Well, I am afraid it has all been rather

what you would call a "put-up job."

- Put-up job?

- Yes, you see I have known Jane and Julia

for a very long while,

we are great friends.

They confide in me.

- The hell they do!

- It would make it much easier monsieur

if you were not so angry.

I give you my word there

is nothing to worry about.

- I'm glad you think so.

We have rather a different

sense of values in England.

- Hear, hear!

- An obvious remark, monsieur,

and not very much to the point.

- What is the point?

- Had not the suspicion

ever crossed your minds

that here in England the

husbands take their wives

a little too much for granted sometimes?

- So they ought to.

- Certainly.

- It is a little dull for the wives.

In France, of course, it is

all arranged so differently.

There are so many diversions.

- What are you trying to say?

- Perhaps Jane and Julia

require a little more attention

than you are prepared to give?

- Rubbish!

- But it isn't rubbish, is it, Julia?

- Certainly not.

- You've been married for how long now?

- Seven years.

- What I want to know is

this revolting story's true.

Is it or isn't it?

- What revolting story?

- Oh, we told a teensy porky pie

about how we were both

intimate with you years ago.

- A porky?

- A lie.

- But of course it is.

We made a plan, Julia, Jane and myself.

- Damn impudent!

- Now well you see, seven

years brings one rather

to a critical matrimonial

period as a rule.

The first romance is over.

Everything seems slightly gauche.

Our plan was to rouse you up

to a sense of your

romantic responsibilities.

Don't you see?

- Yes, remember our

conversation yesterday morning?

- And ours?

- Oh don't go on being cross Fred,

it's all such ridiculous nonsense.

- I don't understand at all.

- We've muddled it up so fearfully.

- Or at least you did by

coming home unexpectedly.

It's taken all the wind out of our sails.

- Jane was going to break it to Fred

that I'd run off with Maurice,

and I was going to break it to Willy

that she'd run off with Maurice.

- As it was you appeared much too early,

before we were properly rehearsed.

It's all such ridiculous nonsense.

- Please forgive us.

- Well, that's what you were

hinting at yesterday morning

when you said that you had a presentiment

and that I didn't love you anymore?

- Yes.

- Hang on a minute.

- Oh yes, yes, she was paving the way.

That's what she was doing.

- Oh yes, it's cleared the air.

They were much too sure of us.

Much, much, much, much, much too.

- That's enough, Julia, that's enough.

- Maurice, will you have a drink?

Fred is still too

flurried to be hospitable.

- I'm sorry, it never struck me

shocking lack of manners.

Whiskey?

- No thank you.

I too have a surprise.

I came here today for my own reasons.

I have taken the flat exactly

above this one for a year.

I say, would you ladies help

me with some fabric choosing?

The wrong curtains are a

dire warning in a flat.

- So true.

Jane, pull yourself together.

- Perhaps you'd all come up.

It's a bit untidy at

present, but you won't mind?

- No thanks. I've got to change.

- They're sending for the

patterns back in a few hours.

Could you come now?

- We could indeed.

- Now look here, Julia...

- Would you rather I didn't, Fred?

I'm glad to stay here.

- No, no, I suppose it's all right.

Look, I must apologize to

you for being so boorish.

It was all very puzzling.

- Oh, Fred, you're a darling.

Come on, Jane.

- Together?

- Together.

- Will you all lunch with me today?

It is so dull being alone.

- Yes, it will be very

nice, we'd be delighted.

- Now look here, I want-

- Shut up, Willy.

- Come along, Maurice.

We won't be more than a

bit, choosing the patterns.

- Darling, I don't quite see why...

- Now it's getting tiresome, Willy

- But.

- No more buts Willy.

- Oh, you know, it's damned funny.

It really is.

- What?

- The way we arrived and

spoiled their little game.

- Now look here, Fred.

- Have a drink?

- All right.

- You never know what Jane

and Julia will do next

when they start analyzing everything

and having presentiments and what not.

- It isn't what they'll do next.

It's what they did last.

Thank you.

- You know, I don't think

he's at all a bad chap,

that Frenchman.

- I wouldn't trust him an inch.

- Of course not, he's French.

But the girls, so easily

rattled, and the lies they told.

- You seem to have completely

wiped it from your mind.

The whole thing about Italy.

- I never believed Jane in the first

when she told me that lurid story.

- It seems very q*eer to me still.

- Oh, dry up.

- But it does.

Even if they'd got away with their scheme,

what good would it have done them?

- Made us jealous.

- Don't be an abject fool, Fred.

They're bluffing,

they're up to shenanigans

like when they were at school.

The whole damned thing's

true from beginning to end.

I'm sure of it.

- Why?

- I've never seen Jane

hysterical like that before.

Would a silly joke make her so?

- Are you serious?

You know how women are when

they get a bee in their bonnets.

They're fine.

They're right upstairs...

- My point exactly.

Alone, with him.

Well, Willy, I.