01x27 - Checks, Lies and Videotape

[bunniefuu]

♪ Beans don't burn in the kitchen ♪

♪ Beans don't burn in the kitchen ♪

Wooh!

♪ Fish don't burn on the grill ♪

♪ Took a whole lot of tryin' ♪

♪ Yeah, just to get up that hill ♪

Wooh!

♪ But now I'm up in the big leagues ♪

♪ Gettin' my turn at bat ♪

♪ As long as we live ♪

♪ It's me and you, baby ♪

♪ Ain't nothin' wrong with that, well-- ♪♪

Hello, mrs. Payne.

Wooh!

Girl, announce yourself when you come in here.

Hell, I was about to go in my purse. Kakaam!

Well, I'm sorry, o.k.?

Mama, ain't with all that kissing, now.

Go on about your business.

So what are you up to, mrs. Payne?

I'm cooking,

But I guess you wouldn't know nothing about that,

Miss modern businesswoman.

I can cook, mrs. Payne.

I just don't always have the time.

That's why I bought martin these frozen dinners.

Microwave dinners?

Girl, don't you know all them waves cause terminal illness?

Hell, why don't you shave the boy's head right now?

Mrs. Payne, look...

Martin understands that I'm busy, o.k.?

And, besides, he likes those.

That's because you're distracting him

With all them little naked dresses you're wearing.

Got him looking every which way but at his plate.

You're working that...

Whip appeal on him.

Mrs. Payne, what can I do

To help us all get along?

Girl, first you can watch

Your damn attitude with mama.

That's what you can do.

Second, you can learn

How to make my baby better food.

Third...

Loan mama $.

Oh, you need $?

Mm-hmm. Just .

That's fine.

I can help out. No problem.

See, right here. It's my last,

But, hey, there you go.

Wooh, goodness! They nice and crisp, too.

You ain't selling nothing on the side, are you?

This ain't no trickin' money, is it?

No!

Wooh! Your mama don't know.

I don't see you half the night, so I don't know.

I got to get ready to get out of here.

Girl, you done got my sugar all up.

You know I'm on insulin, right?

I'll get this back to you as soon as possible.

All right? O.k. Ooh!

Get your legs and butt up

And get in the kitchen

And learn how to make some real food, microwavin' heifer.


♪ Martin ♪

How y'all been? ♪ Martin

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

Come on, baby. We'll be late for church.

Badaah!

Ooh!

Doing the george jefferson, boy!

All right.

Am I looking good for the lord?

Oh, yeah!

Clothes looking all good

For the girls in the choir.

Oh, got the--

O.k.! O.k.!

Ah ha!

Let's go to my church.

Dr. Dawson can preach!

It's too hot there.

I'll be praying for air conditioning.

Let's go to my church.

They serve really good chicken dinners afterwards. O.k.?

They serve too much.

Those girls at your church

Are too heavy, even for me.

Yeah, that's true, pam.

They need to take in less communion

And a little more d*ck gregory.

Does it matter what church we go to?

It matters a lot.

Some churches are there to serve god.

Other churches are there to serve themselves.

How, tommy?

There's st. Ebenezer, right?

They got the love offering,

The joy offering,

The peace offering,

Benevolent offering,

The pastor that...

♪ Needs a new pair of shoes offering, yeah ♪♪

Hey!

Hey!

Stop that! Stop it! Stop, martin!

You are going to be--

I felt something.

I laid hands on him.

Pam, when the plate comes around,

Could you cover for me?

Didn't you go to the atm last night?

Yes. I loaned my money to martin's mother.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, gina.

What are you doing giving my mother money?

Y'all don't like each other.

What was I supposed to do?

She asked me.

I didn't really want to say anything,

But your moms,

She bummed bucks from my moms a few days ago.

What?

Moms is mad about that

'Cause she can't get her wig off layaway.

My mother's borrowing all this money from y'all,

Why didn't you tell me?

Because we didn't want you to get upset.

That's why I didn't tell you

When I saw her pushing that shopping cart

Full of empty bottles and cans.

I got to find out what's up.

We'll see your mother after church.

We'll go see her now.

She joined some new church on rd.

Yo, let's be out.

I heard about that new church.

They be doing so much jumping and hollering,

You think you're on price is right.

Cobra, come on down!

Martin, I don't see your mother here.

That's because my mother's smart.

She likes to wait

Till after they pass the collection plate.

How you doing, bro?

Already gave at the door, man.

Put the money in.

What's wrong with you? Go ahead.

Gina.

What?

Ahem.

All right, go on about your business now.

Hey, tommy.

What?

You got change for a dollar?

Stop being cheap and put it all in there.

♪ I got a feelin' ♪

♪ Everything gonna be all right ♪

♪ Oh, whoa whoa ♪

♪ I got a feelin' ♪

♪ Everything gonna be all right ♪

♪ I--i ♪

♪ I got a feelin' ♪

♪ Everything gonna be all right ♪

♪ Be all right ♪

♪ Be all right ♪

♪ Be all right ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

♪ Holy ghost done told me ♪

♪ Everything gonna be all right ♪

♪ h* ♪

♪ Holy ghost done told me ♪

♪ Everything gonna be all right ♪

♪ The holy ghost done told me ♪

♪ Everything gonna be all right ♪

♪ Be all right ♪

♪ Be all right ♪

♪ Be all right ♪♪

Well, all right.

All right.

Hallelujah!

Hallelujah!

Hey, gina, remember my cousin,

Reverend leon lonnie love?

How can I forget reverend leon lonnie lust?

What is he doing here?

Oh, hell, no.

Oh, I'm sorry, lord,

But you know he ain't right.

We've got to tell your mother about this.

Shh! You're in church.

Shh! You'rein church.

Don't start nothing, and there won't be nothing.

You can't fight a old lady in church.

What's wrong with you?

She starting with me. I'm going to take it outside.

Good morning, congregation.

Good morning. Good morning.

I am the reverend leon lonnie love.

Can I get a amen?

Amen! Amen!

I don't believe you heard me.

Can I get a amen?

Amen! Amen!

Well, amen back at you.

Now a moment of silence

For the shut-ins and the infirm.

What are you doing?

Excuse me, sister, but I don't mean to be rude,

But can you take that fruit basket off your head

So I can see what's going on?

If I have to turn around one more time,

It's going to be me and you.

Well, then, make your move.

Now, first I'd like to start this morning

With a few announcements.

There will be

A singles-only retreat this weekend,

But due to that minutespiece,

There ain't going to be

No laying on of hands this year,

And whoever parked the lowered blue pacer in my parking space,

I regret to inform you,

But the lord hath towed you.

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Hallelujah! Come on, martin.

Hallelujah! Whoo!

Hallelujah!

Praise the lord! Praise the lord! Whoo!

Praise the lord!

Oh, praise!

Hallelujah!

Well, I surely hope that what I'm seeing

Is y'all bringing somebody's holy spirit up in here...

Because I told you

I don't want no banging up in here now.

Now...

Before I get to my sermon...

I understand that there's some people out there

Who need my services.

Are there any people out there who are weak?

Yes! Yes!

Any people out there who are weary?

Any people out there who are tired?

Yes! Yes!

Any people out there who just need a healing?

Y'all got cash?

Well, then, come on down.

Now, just what seems to be your affliction?

I have constant pain in my back.

The doctors can't do anything.

You all hear that? The man's got constipation.

Show the people your limp.

How much the hospital going to charge you?

About $,.

$,. I can heal you for .

You're healed.

Go on. Go on now.

Babe, the man is a fraud.

This ain't my mother's church.

It can't be my mom's church. I'm out.

Y'all sinners can leave.

I'm staying.

I'm staying, too.

Now just what afflicts you?

I got arthritis...

Uh-huh.

Bursitis, and a malignant mole.

Well, I don't think I can do much

About this malignant mole.

Let me see what we can do about this bursitis.

Close your eyes in prayer...

And release it.

Sister, I said release it.

Reverend love...

Reverend love...

I need healing.

Sister edna, you got you another affliction?

Yes, reverend. I got the money right here.

You stay right where you are, sister edna.

Come on.

I'm about to give you a long-distance healing.

Watch out, now.

It's coming at you underarm. Whoo!

[Chanting and screaming]

I'm cured, reverend.

I'm cured.

Oh, praise the lord.

Sister edna done got cured, y'all.

♪ I got a feelin' ♪

♪ Everything gonna be all right ♪

♪ I got a feelin' ♪

♪ Everything gonna be all right, break it down ♪

♪ Everything gonna be all right, break it down ♪

♪ I got a feelin' ♪♪

So it's crazy, man.

Tommy and pam tell me after I left the church

That mother flipped down the aisle,

Thinking she's been cured,

Giving away her money to this fake reverend.

Then I talked to my moms.

She gave him over $,.

Why don't you expose this man

For the fraud that he is?

It ain't that easy.

Ain't that easy? Tell that to marion barry.

Oh...i see what you're getting at. Yeah.

I'll set him up on videotape.

O.k., I can do that.

You know what? This is wild.

First the brother tries to get with my woman,

And you know I ain't having that,

Now he's taking my moms to the bank.

Peace!

Hey, make it work, man.

Get him. Get him.

$,...

And it's all tax-free.

I'm in the wrong business.

All right, babe, look.

You sure he's going to be here?

I told him I wanted to make a contribution.

He said he'd be right over.

I feel really uncomfortable

Setting up a man of the cloth.

Babe, the man is fronting

In the name of the lord.

The church is the backbone of the community.

Frauds like him give religion a bad name.

I guess you're right.

What do you want me to do?

Get him to admit he's hustling the church members

While I get it on tape.

That's why I set the camera over here,

But keep him in this space right here.

You got to be all up in here.

Make sure it's on camera, o.k.?

One thing-- why should he tell me anything?

Because you're going to flirt with him.

What?

You're going to get him to trust you

Like you did me.

Give him that look.

What look? I don't have one.

Yes, you do. The look.

I do not do that.

Yes, you do, babe.

When you finish, lick your lips.

What's that supposed to do?

I don't know, but your lips are crusty right now.

Your lips look like if you smile,

They're going to crack and bleed.

Shut up.

[Knock on door]

Sister gina, it's reverend lonnie.

O.k. That's him, baby.

I'm scared. I don't want to do this.

Don't be afraid. I'm going to be in the kitchen.

If you need me, just call.

Remember you got to keep him in this space.

O.k.

Gina, be a soldier, girl.

All right, I'm coming.

O.k.

Come on in, reverend.

It's just me and you in here, isn't it?

Yeah. Why do you ask?

After that last whupping your boyfriend put on me,

I could barely heal myself.

Oh. Well, you don't have to worry about that.

We both went our separate ways.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

It's o.k.

My, my, my, sister gina,

Look at you.

That dress looks good enough

To give eyesight to the blind.

Lord have mercy.

Let me take this.

You can sit on the couch

Right there in that space.

I don't mind if I do.

All this furniture, is this rented?

Oh, no. It's mine.

Uh...

That was quite a sermon the other day.

In fact, I was so inspired

That I decided to make a big donation to the church.

Well, sister gina.

You know, I always like to accept large endowments

With both hands.

That part in the sermon

Where you did the moonwalk,

I've never seen anything like that.

You liked that?

Well, during my backsliding days,

You know, I did tour with the parliament funkadelic.

Remember? Used to call me scorpio.

Oh, that explains it.

You know, I don't know if you realize this,

But... On that pulpit,

You are so sexy.

Uh, sister gina...

I'm feeling a spirit growing up inside me.

Maybe I ought to leave.

No! No! Please, don't leave.

I want you to stay.

I--i like you.

Gracious.

Dost thou tempt me?

Maybe I ought to leave

While I can still stand up.

Please, please, please.

I want you to stay. Please.

Uh, I find you so attractive.

You know, it's funny you bring that up, sister gina.

It's not just you.

My looks have tempted

Several young virgins.

A lot of people say

I look just like denzel washington.

In the dark?

No.

When you squint your eyes?

Oh...

Ooh, that's it.

Lonnie...

Call me love.

[Huskily] call me love.

Wait a minute.

Wait.

Oh, you know...

I wish we could run away together,

You and me alone.

Sister gina, I'm getting a fever rising up.

Did I ever tell you that I got a house in the bahamas

That don't nobody know about?

I could charter a plane.

We'll be there first thing in the morning,

Butt-naked on the beach.

I've never been to the bahamas.

I would do anything to go.

Anything?

Any...

Thing.

Gina got a little freak in her.

Out, satan! Out, I say!

Take beelzebub with you.

I rebuke you!

Out!

I'm so glad I got past that.

Now where were we?

We were right here.

I don't want you to get up one more time,

O.k., You little preacher man?

Don't you move off this couch one more time.

Sister gina, I am under your spell.

Now, about the bahamas.

It's very expensive. How can you afford it?

Sister gina, did you not see

How my flock gave unto me

All their worldly possessions and savings

When I passed the collection plate?

So you mean to tell me

You used that money

For your own personal means?

Hell, yes.

Now come here, you little vixen.

Sorry, lord,

But satan won this round.

Wait.

Martin!

Martin!

I'm going to break his neck.

No, honey.

You quit it, man.

Wah! Wah!

No!

What you going to do?

Baby, we don't have to do this.

We got him.

Yeah, yeah. You right.

You are so right.

Uh, happy foots...

Listen, man...

Look here, man...

I think you better start praying for parole.

We got you on tape.

Oh, this skank set me up.

Excuse me.

Did you just call me a skank?

Well, uh, sister gina what I meant--

Baby, he called me a skank.

We know that ain't true.

You never called me a skank.

I ain't never going to call you one.

He got to be out of his damn mind.

Relationship ain't worth it if I call you that.

Sister rubella, is that you?

Yeah, it's me.

I have sinned.

That's why I stand before you today,

Brothers and sisters,

A humble man...

A servant of the lord

Who has seen the errors of his ways.

So I'm asking you...

To forgive me.