03x01 - Chrismas Special - Alicante

[bunniefuu]

TANNOY JINGLES

'Anyone waiting to sign up
for shore excursions...'

CAMERA CLICKS

COLIN: - Eve Fontaine,
ladies and gentlemen,

the voice of the ship.

Big Christmas smiles, everyone.
h*, h*, h*!

-One on our own.
-Oh, yeah.

-Just you and the talent.
-That would be amazing.

We all need some stardust,
my darling.

Oh, that one's perfect, Donna.

It's gonna look great
on the socials.

I've been a fan
since I was nine years old.

Mm. That's going back a bit.

She was probably
the headline act on the Ark.

Thank you so much.

Well, I'm sure you've been
through it since your diagnosis.

-Primary biliary cholangitis.
-I know, it's a mouthful.

-Her liver doesn't work any more.
-Right.

Everyone's been so kind -
crowdfunded cruise, upgraded cabin.

Dinner at the captain's table.

And front-row seats
to Eve's headline show later.

Thank you.

-We really ought to be...
-Yes.

Can I...? Group hug?

-Oh. Right.
-CAMERA CLICKS

Hey, you do look exhausted.
A lie-down's gonna do you good.

-Honestly, Bernie, stop fussing.
-You still haven't taken your pills.

Yeah, and listen,
we need you on top form later

because it's the Christmas panto,

and yours truly here
is playing Buttons.

THEY CHUCKLE

-I suppose an hour wouldn't hurt.
-Yeah.

Catch you later
for mulled wine and mince pies?

-You will.
-Bye.

-See you.
-Colin. A word.

-Eve.
-The flowers in my dressing room have brought on my allergies.

I specifically requested no lilies.

All right. I must have missed
that on the rider.

-I'll speak to Hospitality for you.
-Yeah, and I'll need a massage

and a facial
before this afternoon's sound check.

-Already booked in with Ruchira.
-And no more fan meets.

These cruise ship plebs
will be the death of me.

If she carries on like this,
I swear, she's going overboard.

Let's wait until Christmas is over,
shall we?

-Oh, bring back Jack Grayling. All is forgiven.
-Mm.

♪ I'm going on an adventure
And I got a feeling

- ♪ The sun's gonna shine
- Shine

♪ The sun's gonna shine

♪ I'm in love with the ocean

♪ And I got a feeling
I'm sailing tonight

♪ Tonight, I'm sailing tonight

♪ It's because of you

♪ That I'll always remember

♪ I'm going on an adventure
With you on my mind

♪ I'm going on an adventure

♪ With you on my mind. ♪

Alicante Port Authority have given
us permission to start our approach.

We've got the wind with the tide,

so with any luck,
we should be on schedule.

You've been out of sorts
since we left Southampton.

Coming to work
with lead in the shoes.

Christmas was always
Jack's favourite time of year, so...

Since he left the ship,
no-one's heard a peep from him.

Well, maybe that's for the best.

There is an excursion this afternoon
to Santa Domenica -

the Christmas pilgrimage.

We're both due a little shore leave.

-Could go together.
-I still have the logs to complete.

Perhaps a little festive downtime
would do you the world of good.

TANNOY JINGLES

'Feliz Navidad, amigos.

'This is Colin,
your cruise director,

'informing all guests that the ship
has now arrived in sunny Alicante -

'perfect for some
last-minute festive shopping.

'So why not grab a sombrero,
crack open the cava?

'Because the countdown
to Christmas starts here.'

TANNOY JINGLES

'We'd like to inform all guests
of today's shopping mall deal -

'a 25% discount on all perfumes...'

That Eve Fontaine post
has gone viral.

JAMIL: - I hear the podcast
has got quite a following.

Yeah. When Donna first found out
she needed special treatment,

we set up a crowd funding appeal for
stem cell surgery out in Arizona.

Bernie's always been there for me,
every step of the way.

What are best friends for, eh?

Here you are, Jamil.
Fill that one up, will you?

And whatever these ladies want.

-We're fine.
-I wouldn't mind a pineapple juice.

He's been all over her
since the start of the cruise.

Didn't fancy dressing up
as Santa, then?

Well, you know, I like to stand out
from the crowd, don't I?

You're hardly gonna pull
wearing that.

-I'm young, free and single.
-Why doesn't that surprise me [?)

Hang on. I got you
a little Christmas present.

-You didn't have to do that.
-It's all right.

Hold that, will you?

Let's see what it looks like on you,
shall we?

Thank you. It's lovely.

Beautiful. Listen, erm,

the lads are gonna go into town
later for a few drinks.

But, I mean, I could swerve it,
and me and you could maybe...

hang out for the afternoon.

-She's busy today.
-HE SIGHS

The pilgrimage to Santa Domenica.

Bernie's still holding out
for a Christmas miracle.

All right, well...
if you change your mind...

All I wanted on this cruise
was a bit of fun,

after everything I've been through.

You've only just met him, and he's
already buying you fancy presents.

-I'm just looking out for you.
-We'll be late for the tour.

- BERNIE SIGHS
- Donna! Sorry.

BELLS TOLL

"The Sanctuary of Los Peregrinos
was recently founded"

"after a local girl,
Thomasina Fernandez,"

"was visited by the Blessed Virgin
in one of the orange groves."

"She was entrusted to build a shrine"

"where the sick and the injured
might come to be healed."

Well, they're certainly packing in
the faithful.

-Laudetur Jesus Christus.
-CONGREGATION: - Semper laudetur.

In saecula saeculorum.

BERNIE: - Said a
prayer for you this morning.

Miracles don't happen
to people like me.

Nah. You gotta have faith, Don.

Oi-oi.

-What happened to the pub crawl?
-The lads will cope without me.

I thought you could do
with some moral support anyway.

Domine, miserere nobis.

Christe, miserere nobis.

Domine, miserere nobis.

Christe, Audi nos.

- KATE AND CONGREGATION:
- Ave, ave, ave Maria.

WHISPERS: It's been a while
since we spent any time together.

There's no reason
we can't still be friends.

As we celebrate Christmas
with communion and prayer,

I would like to invite the sick
and indisposed to step forward

for a blessing
at the Shrine of Our Lady.

Mater Christi, or a pro nobis.

Mater divinae gratiae,
or a pro nobis.

- CONGREGATION:
- Ave, ave.

Santa Maria, ruega por nosotros.

Santa madre de Dios,
ruega por nosotros.

Thank you, Father. It was lovely.

It was a beautiful service.
Thank you.

Perhaps a small donation?

-For the upkeep of the church.
-Yes.

BERNIE: - When are you
gonna realise she isn't interested?

-Donna tell you that, did she?
-I know a chancer when I see one.

Let's get it right.
Donna setting herself up

with a decent-looking fella has
put your nose right out of joint.

You really think she'd settle
for a loser like you?

-She's out of your league, Jason.
-Is everything all right?

Doctors think she's gonna need
a transplant.

Vomiting, jaundice, swollen ankles.

You really fancy
taking all that on, yeah?

Thought not.

- WHISPERS:
- Idiot.

-You all right?
-Yeah.

Frankie! You haven't seen a couple
of small shepherds, have you?

-Robes, sandals...
-I know what they look like, Colin.

Oh, it's absolute carnage
in Bethlehem.

All the kids are high on sugar.

-You wanted to see me?
-Oh, yeah.

I just wanted to run through
some changes to your set list.

There's been a couple
of festive additions.

I can't cope with these
last-minute changes, Colin.

It's highly unprofessional.

-Eve, there you are.
-Richard.

I was just checking
that you're still on for lunch.

Un Chicharito,
where the paella is to die for.

Well, she'll be busy rehearsing.

Lunch would be perfect, if you're
sure you can spare the time.

Five hours' shore leave and the
pleasure of your delightful company.

-You spoil me, you know that?
-I know. Shall we?

Let's remember
who's top of the bill, eh?

Not... a word.

BELL TOLLS,
KATE MUTTERS

You OK?

Just needed to sit down.
Must've been overdoing things.

All right, well, let's get you
back to the ship, shall we?

Erm, I'm fine.

I think I'd rather the doctor
check you over, if that's all right.

We'd better get a move on,
or we'll miss this bus.

Where is Bernie?

She said she wanted to see
the Ignatius Chapel.

I can wait with Donna.

All right, well, erm,
we'll see if we can find her, yeah?

-You all right, Don?
-Yeah.

-Sure?
-Yeah.

SOFT CLATTERING

HUSHED VOICES

Quien esta alli?

BELL TOLLS

Excuse me! Wait!

Kate.

-Oh, my God.
-Madre de Dios.

CAMERA CLICKS

KATE: I saw a nun in the cloister
just before we found the body.

She was running off
towards the abbey.

The sisters often frequent
the cloisters

as they go about
their daily business.

Well, I just think,
the sooner we talk to her...

Thomasina has taken
a vow of silence.

No-one outside the convent
is permitted to speak to her.

Thomasina?
The child that saw the visions?

The abbey has offered her
sanctuary -

a life devoted
to the service of Christ.

I've given the police a statement.
They know how to find us.

Did this woman have any family
on the boat?

She was travelling
with her best friend, yeah.

Then, please,
pass on my sincere condolences.

CAMERA CLICKS

I'm going to give you
a thorough check-up,

bearing in mind your condition.

I'm feeling much better already.

Well, you've had
one hell of a shock.

We are gonna run a few tests
just to be on the safe side, hm?

I still can't believe Bernie's dead.

Can you think of anyone
that she's fallen out with?

Anyone that might be
holding a grudge?

Well, she might have rubbed
a few people up the wrong way,

but Bernie had a good heart.

Perhaps this isn't the time.

Yeah, sure.
I should get back to work.

-Thank you.
-I don't mind staying.

I'd rather be on my own.

All right?

She'd been gone 20 minutes,

and somebody attacked her
and left her for dead.

It doesn't make any sense.

There's always a motive for m*rder.
You just need to look for it.

That's what Jack always said.

Yeah, well, in case you hadn't
noticed, Jack isn't here, so...

Uh... What if I told you
I knew where to find him?

Just here.

So, you're telling me he's been
here in Alicante the whole time?

Jack swore me to secrecy.

Oh, that's just typical
of Jack Grayling, isn't it?

-Running away, as per usual.
-Here.

Are you sure
this is the right place?

- INSIDE:
- ♪ I got a feeling... ♪

I'd recognise that voice anywhere.
Come on.

♪ I'm in love with you

♪ And then I got a feeling
I'm sailing tonight

♪ It's because of you

♪ That I'll always remember

♪ I'm going on an adventure
With you on my mind. ♪

-Thank you so much, everybody.
-WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

Have a wonderful Christmas.

-Jamil!
-Jack!

Mate, I have missed you so much.

What about me, Jack?

Did you miss me?

-OK.
-I thought you might have been dead, Jack.

Instead, you've been hiding away
here on some pirate-ship theme bar.

I've been working my backside off
just trying to make ends meet.

Will you both put a sock in it?

A passenger was m*rder*d
this morning, Jack.

We need your help to solve it.

Oh, so, that's why
the pair of you were here?

Well, I haven't come
to kiss and make up.

OK, look, let's take a second, yes?

We can fill you in on what we know.

The victim's name was
Bernadette Campbell.

She was on a crowd funding cruise
with her best friend,

Donna Branning.

They'd gone to visit the shrine
at Santa Domenica.

Piers and I were there
when we found the body.

With Piers.

Look, let's just stick
to the case, yeah?

Any suspects?

One of the nuns from the convent.

I saw her running from the cloister
shortly after the m*rder.

You're seriously suggesting
a nun might have k*lled her?

All right,
I know it sounds far-fetched.

But we need to rule her out.

We?

Yes. First thing tomorrow,

we go to the village
and see if she'll talk to us.

All right, fine.
But this is strictly business.

SHE EXHALES,
SNIFFS

TANNOY JINGLES

'This is Colin,
your cruise director,

'AKA Santa's Little Helper.

'And what a packed
Christmas Eve stocking

'we've got lined up for you today.'

-Oh.
-What?

Jason doesn't seem himself today.

Well, that might be
something to do with

the argument he had with Bernie.

You think he might have taken out
the competition?

I don't know.

Look, why don't you speak
to some of his friends today,

see what you can find out?

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Good luck with Jack today.

-Uh, at-at the convent, I mean.
-Yeah.

- DONNA:
- 'So, an update from sunny Arizona.

'And the bad news is my
stem cell treatment hasn't worked.

'Graft failure.

'Right now, I feel angry,
scared... disappointed.

'But we keep going.
We keep the faith.'

Wasn't sure you'd come.

Well, there's still a m*rder
to solve.

Well, just as long as you don't
go hitting me again.

I've been reading up
on Bernie's best friend, Donna.

That treatment she's been having in
Arizona must have cost a fair bit.

Well, I think she raised
all the money on crowd funding.

Look, you've got every right
to be mad at me.

It was six months, Jack.
Not a word.

You didn't even reply
to my messages.

Let me explain.

I think we should get
to the convent.

BELL RINGS

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH,
DOOR OPENS

Buenos dias, senora. Nos gustaria
hablar con la Hermana Thomasina.

No!

Great [!) Any more bright ideas?

I just wanted to apologise.

I was out of order,
what I said to Bernie yesterday.

-I can't do this right now, Jason.
-No, I didn't mean what I said.

You can't talk to people like that.

Let me make it up to you.
No strings attached.

You can't be on your own
for Christmas

after everything that's happened.

Well, I could do with a date
for the show tonight.

I didn't think you'd still be going.

Eve promised to dedicate a song
to Bernie.

Right, well,
I'll knock for you around seven.

BELLS TOLL

Kate...

...when I left the ship,
I lost everything.

The job I loved,
the girl I fell for.

We could have made it work, Jack.
People do.

No, I know,
but I couldn't just sit around

and count down the days
till I saw you next,

then watch you sail off again.

It would have broken me.

Jack...

Thomasina...
METALLIC CLATTERING

-Te acuerdas de mi?
-They warned me not to talk to you.

So much for the vow of silence.

The woman that was k*lled yesterday,
her name was Bernadette.

I don't know anything about that.

Then why did you run
when I saw you in the cloister?

I wanted to watch
the Mass of Supplication.

I'm not supposed to leave
the convent.

They keep me locked up here
ever since the apparition.

-A martyr for Christ.
-Did you see anybody else

-in the cloister?
-DOOR OPENS

For this is the blood
of the covenant that was poured out

-for many for the forgiveness of sins.
-Thomasina!

-Llevala dentro.
-Tienes que enviar ayuda.

-A su habitacion. Sujetadla.
-Wait!

Please don't let them hurt me!
Ayudame!

This child belongs to Christ now.

JACK: Thomasina told us that she was
being held here against her will.

Nonsense. She can leave at any time.

You gave instructions
to restrain her.

Recently,
she has become... volatile -

the pressure
of her new-found elevation.

But the convent
is the safest place for her.

Locked up, out of harm's way.

I have taken on the role
of her protector.

These visions that
Thomasina claims to have seen...

...you must have had your doubts.

The Pope himself has pronounced it
a genuine miracle,

and His Holiness is infallible.

Where were you
at the time of the m*rder?

If you don't mind me asking, Father.

Disrobing in the sacristy.

I have an imminent meeting
at the ayuntamiento,

in view of recent
unfortunate events.

I'm sure you can find
your own way out.

Thomasina's miracle.

Her accounts of the visions were
questioned by people in the village.

They claimed she was subject
to religious delusions.

She spent some time in a clinic
for bipolar disorder.

-Does it make her a k*ller?
-No, I know that.

Rodriguez is all set to become
a monsignor

for services to the Church.

If these visions were exposed
as a scam...

He'd have an awful lot
to lose, yeah.

Still doesn't explain
why Bernie was m*rder*d, though.

Maybe she stumbled across something
that he was desperate to hide.

PHONE BUZZES,
RINGS

-Jamil.
-JAMIL: - 'Hey.'

So, how's it going with Kate?

Yeah, she's here with me now
on speakerphone.

Oh. Yes, uh...

So, uh, I have spoken to the lads,

and I thought you both might want
a update on Jason Agnew.

The passenger that had
an argument with Bernie.

-Oh.
-'Yes.'

Well, he's very much married,
but estranged from his wife.

He's behind
with his maintenance payments.

His window-cleaning business
went bust during COVID.

And he is up to his eyeballs
in debt.

OK, well,
thank you very much for the update,

and we'll check in with you later.

Yes. OK.

-Bye, guys.
-Bye.

HE SIGHS

How much money
has Donna's charity raised?

-The Giving For Wishes page?
-Yes.

Way over a hundred grand
in donations.

Maybe Jason was after more
than a Christmas fling.

Well, there's only one way
to find out.

Oh, no. I am not stepping foot
on that ship.

Jack, you never even said goodbye.

Marlowe didn't even give me
a choice,

and if you seriously think
he'd ever let me back on board...

Not in a million years.

With all due respect, Captain,
if Jack can help us solve this,

it would literally only mean
a few hours on board.

It was crime-solving

that got him thrown off the ship
in the first place.

We should leave this
to the Spanish police.

I knew this was a bad idea.

Look, Donna Branning has half
a million followers on social media.

When they find out
that her best friend was m*rder*d...

On a crowdfunded Christmas cruise.

I think that head office would want
this resolving as soon as possible.

And how will they feel

about allowing a disgraced
entertainer back on board?

Thank you, Mr de Vreese.
I am aware of the ramifications.

Look, Jack was dismissed
as a member of the crew.

There's nothing to stop him
embarking as a passenger.

Look, as soon as the ship sails,
I'm gone.

We sail at eight o'clock sharp.

Which only leaves you five hours
to find Bernie Campbell's k*ller.

The captain's asked me
to look into Bernie's m*rder.

Jack used to be a police officer.

Well, I'm not sure there's
anything else I can tell you.

How long have you known Jason Agnew?

Couple of weeks.

We met at the start of the cruise.

Oh! Well, he's a fast mover, then.

Well, he was already following me
on social media.

I feel like I've known him forever.

I got the feeling that you and Jason
were at odds yesterday.

Bernie had warned him off.

She could get a bit jealous
sometimes.

Did he ever ask you
about the crowd funding money?

Well, he was worried that Bernie
might try and take advantage,

but I told him she'd never do that.

Jason wasn't with you when we found
you outside the church yesterday.

You any idea where he went?

Well, he was angry at Bernie.
Said she'd humiliated him.

I tried to calm him down,
but he wouldn't listen.

Stormed off into the village.

TANNOY JINGLES

'A reminder to any passengers
wishing to take advantage

'of this afternoon's
introductory special offer...'

Bit of me-time away from the kids.

These Christmas cruises
can take it out of you.

Sorry, do I know you?

Er, sorry. I'm Jack Grayling.
I just came aboard.

My kids are at home with their mum
for Christmas, and...

Oh. When were you planning
on telling Donna?

Well, just cos I haven't told Donna
about my ex-missus...

I mean, my marriage
has been done for months.

And you needed
to keep the maintenance payments up.

The money that Donna raised
for her treatment,

that must have been
quite an attractive proposition.

Are you trying to say that I'm using
Donna as some sort of meal ticket?

Well, Bernie had you down
as a bit of a chancer.

Maybe she had every right
to be concerned.

And what's that supposed to mean?

You weren't with Donna yesterday
when we found her.

You want to tell us where you were?

Well, I went for a walk
to clear my head.

-Did you walk anywhere near the Ignatius Chapel?
-No!

Look... I've made some really big
mistakes in my life, all right?

I lost my business,
my wife, my kids.

Why am I telling you anyway?
You wouldn't understand.

You'd be surprised.

Look, I like Donna, OK?

-I wanna do right by her.
-But with Bernie out of the picture.

Bernie warned me off, I walked away.

That's the last time I saw her,
all right?

CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS

Whoa! No! Stop! Stop!
MUSIC STOPS

Dance Yourself Dizzy
has always been my encore.

Well, it's a Christmas Eve concert,

which is why Frosty The Snowman
will be sending them home.

I know my audience, Colin.

Yes, and it's my job
to keep them happy.

With that tired old shtick you call
a warm-up act? Do me a favour.

Just because you got your claws
into Marlowe...

The captain recognises talent
when he sees it.

HE SCOFFS

He's the only one
who doesn't think you're past it.

You do know I was offered
the Blackpool Grand?

Oh, come off it, Eve.

It was this
or it was panto in Huddersfield -

the Wicked Queen.

Well, it takes one
to know one, Colin.

So why don't you "schtick"
to your Christmas karaoke?

Leave the real entertainment
to the pros.

Pros? You're a washed-up
two-bit cabaret act.

When you're ready to apologise,
I shall be in my dressing room.

KNOCKS ON DOOR Come in.

DOOR OPENS

-How's my favourite cruise ship doctor?
-Jack!

HE CHUCKLES

-Jamil told me you're back.
-Little query we need help with.

What can you tell us
about chlorpromazine?

Uh, it's prescribed
as an anti-psychotic,

works by suppressing
the dopamine levels.

-You said Thomasina had been treated for bipolar disorder.
-Yeah.

I'm not sure where
all of this is going, Jack.

Well, she told us that
she couldn't remember anything.

Well, clearly, she was lying.

Memory wipe out - a common symptom
of a psychotic episode.

We need to get back to the village.
Thank you.

Thank you.

CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Thought you might like
some herbal tea.

-Oh!
-Good for calming the constitution.

Why does everyone on this ship
seem to hate me, Jamil?

No, I'm sure that's not true.

You know what they say
about cruise ships.

You're either on your way up,
or you're on your way down.

Two hours of show tunes
in high heels and spandex,

performing to a crowd
wearing leisurewear.

I will shout
from the back of the theatre.

And you must know my voice is shot.

The doctor found some nodules.

He's recommended surgery.

I've been trying to hide it
for weeks now.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

I'm planning on jumping ship.

Did you tell Colin about this?

He's been out to undermine me
since I started this gig.

Oh, no. I'm sure if you talk to him,
you both can call a truce.

It's a bit late for that, love.

Show's over.

KATE: You never told us that
Thomasina was sectioned as a child.

It was none of your concern.

The miracle she witnessed -

an episode brought on
by her schizophrenia.

A secret the Church
has tried to cover up.

And if it ever came to light
that you were party to a hoax...

Schizophrenia is
a terrible affliction.

A troubled soul possessed by demons.

I was telling you the truth

when I told you
that I was trying to protect her.

Then tell us what really happened.

I found her in the chapel.

SHE PRAYS ALOUD

'Her eyes were focused on a vision,
one that she alone could see.'

-Thomasina...
-SHE GASPS

'I should never
have reached out to her.'

Thomasina, donde vas?

DOOR OPENS,
SHUTS

'I followed her outside...

'..and saw her running away,
towards the convent.'

Thomasina?

So, in her confused mental state,
Thomasina attacked Bernie?

Thomasina had never been violent...

...even when she is lost to us.

So why have you been lying to us?

She came to me that evening...

...to offer up a confession.

I swear before Christ, she was
already dead when I found her.

'She was lying in the cloister,
bleeding from a wound to her head,

'the crucifix on the ground
beside her.

'It was then I saw the necklace.

'I picked it up. I don't know why.

'I knelt down beside her.

'There was blood everywhere.'

I'm not sure how I got back
to my room,

but when I came to,

I was sitting on the bed,

and this was in my pocket.

I found it lying on the ground
beside the body.

So, either the necklace
was Bernie's,

someone ripped it off
in a struggle...

-Or the k*ller was a woman.
-Which rules out Jason Agnew.

Jack!

-Jack.
-Just give us a moment, please.

-There's something you need to know.
-What is it?

How did you find this?

It was left behind
at the m*rder scene.

Jamil?

I think I know who k*lled Bernie.

-Donna posted this video blog two months ago. Here.
-Mm-hm.

'So, they've called me in
for my pre-op tests.

'Let's hope I get through this one
without any complications.'

Mm, the placement
of the NG nose tube is too far in.

No medical professional
would have inserted it that way.

Oh.

When I checked Donna over yesterday,

she seemed a little reluctant
to have any tests,

so I did a bit of investigating
of my own.

Her blood test results came back
this afternoon.

The numbers made surprising reading.

No indicators of any disease.

I looked up her condition.

People with BPC
don't just get better.

Spontaneous remission.

There have been some recorded cases,
but... it's unlikely.

Unless she was never ill at all.

I still need some more tests,
just to be sure, but...

We should be celebrating.
It's like a Christmas miracle.

Well, Champagne on the house.

-Thank you.
-Thank you.

This might not be the right timing,
but, erm...

I just wonder, when we get back,
if you, er...

might wanna make a go of things.

-I'd like that, Jason.
-OK.

Really, I would.

Well, Bernie was right.
Keep the faith.

Shame she's not here
to enjoy the moment,

after everything she's done for you.

I'm sure all your crowdfunders
will be keen to hear an update,

after all that money
you've scammed out of them.

Sorry? You've... You've lost me.

The evidence that ties you
to Bernie's m*rder.

We just couldn't figure out why.

Then Dr Tan filled me in
on those blood test results,

and things started
to make more sense.

I called that clinic in Arizona.

They had no record of you
ever being a patient there.

Donna?

You lied... about everything.

I swear I was ill.

I really thought
it was something serious,

and my GP referred me
to a specialist.

Bernie being Bernie,
she said she'd come with me.

Like any good friend would.

Well, they gave me the all-clear,

and when I saw her
waiting outside, I...

I told her they were starting me
on a course of treatments.

Why did you lie, Donna?

It made me feel special.

Hang on a minute. What, you made
all this up for a bit of attention?

And those lies just got bigger,
didn't they?

Your blog, your podcast,
your followers online.

How could I tell them the truth?

Those hospital visits
must have taken some planning.

There's a meds room at work.

It's easy
to buy all that stuff online.

And Bernie didn't suspect a thing.

She wanted to believe it
as much as I did.

-What did you say to Jason?
-What?

He's the first guy
who's shown any interest,

but suddenly, I'm in the way?

You smother me, Bernie!

Because your own life
is sad and empty.

I've spent the past six months
looking after you.

And this is the thanks I get?

All those trips to the hospital,
the late-night phone calls.

I made it all up.

The diagnosis, the illness -
it's all lies.

This is fraud, Donna.

We could both go to prison.

All those people that we've lied to!

Which is why
we keep this between us.

No-one else needs to know.

And you say that MY life is empty?

You think you can just walk away?

Yeah, I do, because we are done.

This is done.

You'd be nothing without me.
You know that.

By the time I'm finished,

everyone is gonna know
what you've done.

DONNA GRUNTS,
THUDS

'I couldn't let her
ruin everything.'

Surely you can see that.

We can wait for the police
in your cabin.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

OK, so, I might have said a few
things in the heat of the moment.

"Washed-up two-bit cabaret act".

Well, I'm sure we can get past it.

Does that mean I get an apology?

This ship isn't big enough
for the both of us, Colin.

Well, you're looking
at a blatant breach of contract.

-Then sue me, twinkle toes.
-SHE BLOWS RASPBERRY

Ugh.

DOOR OPENS

JAMIL:
Oh. I was hoping to catch Jack.

He's gone back to his bar.
Said he had a show to do.

But it's not long
until the ship sails.

Yeah, and I still have
these manifests to complete.

You're supposed to be together...
more then any two people I know.

That's an admirable sentiment,
Jamil.

But Jack's quite right.
The ship will survive without him.

We are missing our headline singer.

Go and get him.

TAPPING ON MICROPHONE,
FEEDBACK WHINES

That day you left the ship,
I could have come with you.

Give up the dream
of your own command?

I never would have asked you
to do that, Kate.

You think you've got me
all figured out, don't you?

I know you better than anyone.

Look, our headline act for tonight
has gone AWOL,

Colin is in the middle
of a breakdown,

and we don't have a singer
for tonight's Christmas show.

And you thought
I might fit the bill?

Piers has already cleared it
with Marlowe.

Not that he had much of a choice.

And what about you, Kate?

Do you forgive me?

Well, that depends.

On what?

It depends on if you're
planning on sticking around.

There's no more second chances,
Jack.

The ship sails in less than an hour.

What makes you think I'll be on it?

Because I'm not leaving without you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

COLIN: - Oh, good
evening, ladies and gentlemen.

There are only four hours
till Christmas.

-Are we all excited?
-CHEERING

Good, good. Well, listen,
I hate to be the Christmas Grinch,

but unfortunately,
due to unforeseen circumstances,

Eve Fontaine will not be performing
for us tonight.

- AUDIENCE:
- Aw!

I know, but fear not,
because we have got

a star turn replacement for you,
back where he belongs.

He's the voice of the ship.

Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for the one, the only,

-Mr Jack Grayling.
-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

♪ Baby, if you've got to go away

- ♪ Don't think I could take the pain
- Stay now, stay now

-♪ Won't you stay another day?
-Stay now, stay now

♪ Oh, don't leave me alone like this

- ♪ Don't you say it's the final kiss
- Stay now, stay now

-♪ Won't you stay another day?
-Stay now, stay now

♪ Don't you know
We've come too far now

♪ Just to go and try
To throw it all away

♪ Thought I heard you say
You love me

♪ And that your love

♪ Was gonna be here to stay

♪ Stay now
Baby, if you've got to go away

♪ Don't think I could take the pain

♪ Won't you stay another day?

♪ Stay now
Oh, don't leave me alone like this

♪ Don't you say it's the final kiss

♪ Won't you stay another day? ♪

-Thought I might find you here.
-Mm.

Just counting down the minutes
to Christmas Day.

-It's good to have you home.
-It's good to be home.

♪ Good times we had
Return to haunt me

♪ Though it's for you
All that I do seems to be wrong... ♪

JAMIL CHUCKLES

♪ Stay now
Baby, if you've got to go away

♪ Don't think I could take the pain

♪ Won't you stay another day?

♪ Stay now
Oh, don't leave me alone like this

♪ Don't you say it's the final kiss

♪ Won't you stay another day?

♪ Stay now. ♪
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HORN BLARES

The game's afoot, Jamil.

KATE: - We just need to
narrow it down. Who had a motive?

Their alibi is a sham.

-Fancy playing detectives?
-Now you're talking.

I said stop!

The next mistake,
it could endanger the passengers.

Can't you two go anywhere
without someone getting m*rder*d?

♪ You thought you'd run away now

♪ From the troubles in your life

♪ And watch a new horizon
In the sky

♪ Now the truth's caught up
With you forever

♪ It's waiting for you

♪ In the deep blue. ♪