05x02 - Ed the Pool Player

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

Watch your old dead-eyed d*ck.

It slipped.

Yeah, you were right about that dead-eyed d*ck.

Well, I don't suppose you'd care to put a little wager on this game, would you, Ed?

Well, uh, okay.

When we go riding tomorrow, the loser carries the winner.

Very funny.

I'll lend you my tail so you won't look ridiculous.

Well, it's your turn, Ed, so go ahead and sh**t.

Watch and learn from a master.

Well, you think this game is easy, Ed?

You'll soon find out.

Are we all set?

Your ball?

Uh, okay, big shot.

Go ahead and sh**t.

Oh.

I give lessons at $2 an hour.

Ed, you're amazing.

I mean, you've never played this game before.

How do you do it?

Nothing to it.

Every horse is a natural marksman.

How come?

Well, you see, my long nose is like the barrel of a r*fle.

I just sight down between my nostrils and let her go.

Who just won the game?

Yeah, yeah.

You mean horses sight down their nose like the barrel of a g*n?

Why not?

Humans have been known to sh**t off their mouth.

Hey, come on, Ed.

Try this out.

Oh, hold it, hold it.

There's a bird in a tree there.

I'm just going to sight you on this bird.

Up a bit.

Let's see.

A couple of points to the left.

I think I got it now.

Right straight up here past the nostril.

Uh-huh.

Right up here past the ear.

Hey, that's very good.

That's very good.

I can see right past your ears.

This man, right by your nostril.

Wilbur.

Uh-huh.

Oh!

What on earth are you doing?

Oh, well, Ed had a little fly here and I was just going to sh**t it.

I was going to brush it off.

Okay, Ed, it's off.

Go ahead.

How about lunch?

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

I'll have it ready in a few minutes.

I was over at the Kirkwoods.

Boy, is Winnie having problems.

What's wrong?

Well, ever since Gordon retired from the Air Force, he's got nothing to do.

And Winnie says he's constantly under her feet.

She just can't get her work done.

Just like a woman.

Spends half her life trying to get a man around the house

and the other half trying to get him out.

Don't forget lunch.

Down the nose, through the nostril.

How does he do that?

Colonel, how can I clean the rug when you're on it?

What do you expect me to do, read my paper under it?

Dear, why don't you go out and play with Wilbur?

All right, I'll get my yo-yo.

You've been chasing me around ever since I got up.

Ordering me here, ordering me there.

As a colonel, I'm used to giving orders, not obeying them.

Go play outside.

Yes, ma'am.

Winnie wasn't at all like this when we were first married.

Why, many's the day she even gave me breakfast in bed.

Well, that's the way it is, Gordon.

You always get the best service when the restaurant first opens.

Hey, why don't you come on and get out of the house for a while?

Let's play some golf.

No, sir. My house is my castle.

I'll not let Winnie chase me out of my own home.

Then what are you doing over here?

She sent me out to play with you.

When does she want you back?

I can stay out as long as I like.

You know, something tells me that marriage is headed for trouble.

What marriage isn't?

Mmm, something smells good.

No, colonel!

What are you going to do next?

Oh.

Oh, my angel cake fell.

Look at it. What is a pancake?

Well, uh, can't we sort of pump it up?

I know. We can cover it with ice cream.

With a lot of whipped cream, and nobody would know the difference.

I have a better idea. Why don't we get out of my kitchen?

Now, Winnie...

Or do you plan to stay here and attack the leg of lamb?

Winnie, I am a soldier, and I will not retreat.

This is my house, my kitchen, and my leg of lamb.

Hi, kids.

Gordon, want to change your mind about playing golf?

It's a beautiful day.

Wait.

Oh.

Uh, hey, you hear the joke about the lazy rooster?

Did you hear?

No.

Well, you know in the morning all the roosters crow,

but not this lazy rooster.

He just stands there nodding his head.

Ah.

Yeah.

Welcome to the wax museum, huh?

Please, Wilbur.

I'll never get dinner ready.

Will you take the colonel out and walk him a little?

Okay, Winnie.

Hi, colonel. Come on. Heel. Come on. Come on.

I love a man with a sense of humor.

Too bad you haven't got one.

Come on, Gordon.

If you don't feel like playing golf,

take a drive with me down to the club.

What could we do at your club?

We could play pool.

I don't feel like playing pool.

Uh, say, Winnie, you, uh,

you should have seen your husband during the w*r.

Boy, there wasn't a man in the squadron

he couldn't beat playing pool.

Except, uh, me.

You.

Butterfingers.

The day you can beat me at pool,

I'll enter the old lady's home.

Fine. I'll take you there right after the game, Grandma.

Grandma?

Well, we'll see about that.

Wait till I get my coat. I'll be right with you.

Thank you, Wilbur.

Forget it, Winnie.

I'm happy to keep you two separated

if it'll hold your marriage together.

There.

Looks like I've beaten you again, Mr. Vernon.

You gentlemen don't give an out-of-towner a chance.

Wilbur, you haven't got a chance.

My eyes are as sharp as ever.

Sorry.

Give me your hand. I'll lead you over to the table.

Excuse me, gentlemen, are you finished?

It's all yours, friend.

I just lost four games.

Would you like my cue?

Certainly, thank you. Let's rack them up, shall we?

All right.

There you are.

Four dollars.

Thank you.

You're all mine.

Less 20% withholding.

With the money I've given you, I may claim you as a dependent.

We'll see you tomorrow?

No, I'm fretting out. I'm flanking New York on business.

I'll see you in a couple of weeks.

Well, you may have been great in your day, Grandma,

but now you're up against the fastest cue in the West.

Fastest tongue, anyway.

No, no, no. You're the guest. You break.

Thank you.

It's all yours.

Huh? Neat, but not gaudy.

Huh?

Oh, sorry, Gordon.

Ahem.

What are you sh**ting, pool or ducks?

Okay, Gordon.

You just watch these ba*ls go sailing into all the pockets.

Ahem.

Ahem.

Ahem.

Ahem.

Ahem.

Ahem.

Always happens with my first shot.

Hello, Skis.

It's Chicago Chubby.

Yeah, well, Hustlin's kind of dead here.

I let a sucker win a few games,

and just as I was about to clip him, what do you think?

He leaves town.

Boy, it's getting tougher and tougher to make a dishonest buck.

There, that's three games in a row I've won.

Your colonel hasn't lost the old eye, has he?

You got a deadly aim there.

You couldn't sight better if you had a horse's nose.

Huh?

Oh, no, I was just kidding.

Look, admit it, Gordon.

Isn't this better than hanging around the kitchen, getting in Winnie's way?

It's sure a lot of fun. How about one for the road?

No, I got to get going.

Oh, please. I'm really rolling.

I feel like I could beat anybody in town.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

I happen to overhear you're looking for a game.

I've got a little time to k*ll.

And if you won't be bored playing with a duffer,

why, I'll be glad to take you on.

Well, delighted, delighted.

Wilbur, will you tell Winnie I'll be an hour or so late for dinner?

Okay, have a good time.

You sure you don't want to stay?

No, no, no, I can't.

See, Carol's cooking something special for me.

What is it?

Oh, meatballs.

My name's Stanley Vernon.

It's a pleasure.

Colonel Gordon Kirkwood.

You say you don't play too well?

No, but I always say if you can't be a good winner,

at least you ought to try to be a good loser.

This is the third night in a row.

The colonel comes home, has dinner,

and then rushes off to play pool with that man he met at Wilbur's club.

If it were another woman, you could fight it.

But how do you compete with a pool table?

The only way he'd look at me

is if I wore a green felt dress with six pockets.

How do you like that?

I need one ball to win, the three ba*ls practically in the pocket,

and you got me blocked.

Well, you were lucky to win the last game.

Now it's my turn.

Well...

I may as well try.

Well, how do you like that for luck?

Won again.

Well, why don't we play another game?

Give me a chance to break even.

What do you say we play for $10?

Well, that's pretty steep, colonel.

I'm not a gambling man.

Neither am I, but I've been losing like one.

What do you say?

Well, all right.

But you've got to promise me, colonel,

that if I get lucky and win this next game,

we play only one more after that.

That's right.

Uh...

Uh...

Uh, carrot for your thoughts, buddy boy.

Oh, I was just thinking about the Kirkwoods.

Winnie's very upset, you know,

about Gordon playing pool nights and leaving her all alone.

Eh, wives.

Wives.

Percy orders him out of the house.

Now she's ordering him back in the house.

If I ever get married,

I'm gonna wear the tail in my family.

Problems, problems.

You in there, Wilbur?

Oh, yes, Gordon.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Hello.

What's wrong? Something happen?

Oh, I was playing with that Vernon fellow again tonight.

My game was a little off, and I lost a few dollars.

A few?

What, two?

Five?

Ten?

Twenty?

Keep going.

Fifty?

Multiply that by eight and add 30.

Oh, let's see.

Eight times 50 and add 30.

I know, I know.

Oh, I know. It's $430.

$430!

Plus 30 cents. I had to borrow bus fare to get home.

Oh, Gordon, don't tell me you lost your car to that guy.

Fortunately, I left that with Winnie.

And fortunately, I left Winnie home, or I lost her, too.

I never saw such a phenomenal run of luck.

He kept beating me by one ball every game.

Well, Gordon, how do you tell a wife that you lost $430 playing pool?

By long distance.

Gordon, look at it this way.

It doesn't make any difference whether you won or whether you lost,

but how you played the game.

And boy, you must play a pretty crummy game.

Come on, I'll take you home.

Kept beating the colonel by one ball.

Sounds like a hustler.

Think I'll get up early tomorrow and check on that guy.

Think I'll get up late tomorrow and check on him.

Yeah, that's right, Skeets.

I took this colonel for 430 smackers.

If he only knew he was playing with Chicago chubby.

No, I think I'll hang around the club here a little while longer.

He just may come back tonight and try to get even.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, my best to the boys.

Oh.

So his name is Chicago chubby, huh?

That's right. He's a hustler.

You wish there was some way of getting Gordon's money back.

Uh...

There is one way.

One way of what?

To get old Sour p*ssy's money back.

How?

Let me play chubby.

You?

Sure. I had a manicure appointment, but I'll cancel it.

Be serious.

You could never beat a man like chubby playing pool.

Or could you?

Did you ever beat me at anything?

No, but...

He'd never play pool with a horse.

Well, does he have to know I'm a horse?

Hmm?

That's right, Mr. Vernon.

I've got an eight-year-old who could beat you at pool.

Come on. This must be a gag.

Yeah?

Well, I have $430. It says it's not.

Okay, we got a bet.

Bring Junior around.

Well, no. I've rented a table. We'll have to play at my place.

Why your place?

Like I said, he's only eight years old.

Oh.

Oh, they won't let him in the club because he's a minor?

That's one of the reasons, yes.

Okay, pal. Let's go.

We're ready for you, Mr. Vernon.

Okay, let's play pool.

Where's the kid?

Uh, what kid?

The eight-year-old.

Oh, him.

Well, he's right in here.

There's only a horse here.

That's right.

Like I said, he's eight years old.

Are you some kind of a nut?

Oh, you're chickening out, huh?

Afraid the horse will beat you?

Look, you had your laugh.

Well, you want to bet or don't you?

You're serious?

You really want me to play with a horse?

And if you lose, he'll guarantee you a return match within 90 days.

Well?

Put up or shut up?

You're covered.

Tell your horse to chalk up.

Well, make yourself comfortable.

Take off your jacket.

It won't be necessary.

This won't take long.

Okay, fella.

Don't be nervous, Ed, huh?

I can't believe you're playing croquet or golf or ping-pong.

Your horse plays all those games?

Uh, not professionally.

Just, uh, k*ll time.

Okay, let's toss for the break.

What's your horse want, heads or tails?

My horse wants tails.

Heads.

I'll take the break.

Better make it good.

This could be your last shot.

Did you say tails or was it the horse?

Uh, the horse.

Oh.

You know, I never played pool with a horse before.

He makes it even.

He makes it even.

He's never played with a man before.

You ain't the only place with horses.

Now, you got me talking like a nut.

Now, let's see if your horse can play pool.

I know, I know.

Okay, don't forget now, fella.

Keep your eye on the ball, sight down your nose,

just like we're playing croquet, okay?

Naturally, his father used to own a pool room.

Oh.

Well, there are just six ba*ls left.

My horse will now sink them all with just one shot.

Well, if he does that, I'll buy him the biggest box of cigars.

Oh, tell him to sh**t.

Right, Ed?

Beautiful pool, Ed. You won the game. Take a bow.

Wilbur, you're looking at a contented man.

Winnie's really happy to have me around the house again.

You know, she treats me less like a husband and more like a friend.

Well, I've got something here that'll make you really happy.

We won back the money you lost playing pool yesterday.

We?

Wilbur, I play better pool than you do.

You couldn't possibly beat that fella.

That's right, I couldn't.

Then who did?

Gordon, take the money.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

People yakety yak a streak and waste your time a day.

But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse.

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed.

This has been a Filmways presentation.