05x06 - Ed the Pilot

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

Here it is.

Okay, fella, take it.

Beautiful shot, Ed.

I bet you're the most unusual basketball player in the country.

Well, uh, I'm the only one who plays without clothes.

Well, we'll play one more basket, huh?

That's jump center.

First one to get a basket wins.

Okay, Ed?

Ed, where are you going?

Look, you want a player, don't you?

Who's ahead, you or the horse?

Yes, that's why I want to have another guy.

Ah, well, you see, I'm teaching him to fetch.

I figure a dog fetches sticks,

why, he has a bigger mouth,

so a horse can fetch basketballs.

Here, Ed, come on, uh, go fetch.

Go fetch it, boy.

Fetch it. Fetch it.

It doesn't feel like fetching.

And they put birds in cuckoo clocks.

Well, you're perfectly normal until you get near him

and then you suddenly flip your shower cap.

Believe me, you'd better get rid of that plug.

Watch it!

Ow!

Gordon.

Gordon, I'm sorry.

You don't sound like it.

Huh? Well, I'll try it again.

Gordon, I'm sorry.

I guess you're right, I'm not.

I came over to discuss a business deal with you,

but forget it.

Oh, come on, don't get sore, Gordon.

Come on into the house, I'll pour you a nice, long, cool drink.

What'll it be?

Friendship on the rocks.

Well, what do you think?

Well, I've heard about the government

selling surplus airplanes,

but I didn't know they could be bought so cheap.

Wilbur, if we chip in and buy one of these cargo planes,

we can make a fortune flying merchandise

all over the country.

No, I can't do that, Gordon.

I've already got a business, I'm an architect.

But your business won't suffer.

We can do our flying on weekends.

What do you say?

Well, look, I'd say yes in a minute

if it weren't for one thing.

What?

My wife can say no in a second.

Now, Wilbur, I can't swing this deal alone.

Why don't you talk to Carol?

Meanwhile, I'll work on Winnie.

Okay, Gordon, okay.

Fine, fine.

Psst, come here.

Wilbur, I know how we can get Carol

to let us buy that plane.

Us?

Yeah, I'm gonna fly it, too.

You'll fly a plane?

Well, sure.

You always say I can do anything I want to do.

Anything a human can do.

And who ever heard of a horse flying?

Well, who ever heard of a horse talking?

I'll be simple.

Just because you can play basketball,

baseball, ping-pong...

Wilbur, buy the plane, and we'll argue about it

while I'm flying you around the country.

Get back in your stall, huh?

I'm flying that plane.

Besides four legs and a tail,

this horse is gonna have wings.

Carol, that's the way it has to be.

Gordon and I are chipping in.

We're gonna buy one of those surplus Air Force planes.

We're gonna start a small sideline business

shipping cargo all over the country.

If you don't approve, if you don't like it,

that's too bad.

You can go home to your mother.

Oh, you didn't convince me one bit.

That, uh, didn't sound good, huh?

Terrible. Go home to your mother.

Would you ever say that to her?

No.

Why don't you say it to me?

I don't care if you go home to your mother.

That's Carol. What am I gonna say to her?

Well, now, tell her you're bored,

that you don't have anything to do,

that you need some excitement.

I'm not bored. I'm having a ball with Carol.

You tell her you're bored, and that's an order.

Yes, Colonel, yes.

Hi.

Hi, honey.

I'm home.

Wilbur, what's the matter?

Aren't you feeling all right?

No, I'm just...

Just bored.

Bored, bored, bored.

Why don't you take a nice little drive?

Drive, drive, drive.

Someone needs a little cheering up.

How about a little kiss?

Kiss, kiss, kiss.

Bored, bored, bored.

Wilbur, if you have something to tell me,

make it quick.

Okay, honey, it's just that

my life has become humdrum.

I mean, I get up in the morning,

I go to work, and it's work, work, work.

I leave the office, have lunch,

go back to the office, work some more,

come home, have dinner, go to bed,

and it's sleep, sleep, sleep.

Next day, it's the same humdrum routine.

It's work, work, work, sleep, sleep, sleep.

Humdrum, hum.

I need something new and exciting in my life,

and I've come to a decision.

You want a divorce?

No, no, dear.

I want an airplane.

To fly away with some other woman.

Fly away with Gordon.

No, I mean, Gordon and I

have decided to chip in

and buy an obsolete Air Force cargo plane

so we can start up a little sideline business.

What do you think?

Well, did Winnie say

it was all right for Gordon to buy a plane?

Well, he's talking to her right now,

but you know Winnie,

she would never say no to the colonel.

No colonel.

Come on, Winnie, ever since I retired,

I've wanted to fly something of my own.

All right, buy a kite.

Winnie, can you give me one reason

why we should not invest in this cargo plane?

I don't want my husband

flying a bargain basement airplane.

Oh, now, Winnie, stop treating me like a child.

I'm tired of being retired.

I want to go into some kind of business with...

Well, I got the okay on my half the plane.

How did you make out, Gordon?

I see you didn't.

Winnie, if Carol lets Wilbur...

Oh, hush, colonel.

Wilbur, did Carol really say you could buy a plane?

Oh, yes, sir.

Carol said there's nothing in the world

she wouldn't let me have

outside of a divorce.

Well, all right.

Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

Well, partner, now all we need

is approval of the Air Force

to buy this cargo plane,

and we are in business.

Oh, boy!

I can't wait to get in that c*ck.

You know, strap myself in,

hand on the wheel,

give her the g*n,

and off we go

into the wild blue yonder.

Hold the takeoff.

What's the matter?

Forgot to put gas in this thing.

Well, colonel, you check out just fine

as far as the government procurement office is concerned.

You should have no trouble at all

in buying one of our surplus planes.

Well, Mr. Page,

there's nothing about me you don't know now.

You've asked me more questions

than my wife does when I come home late.

Well, just the usual red tape.

Our office likes to be careful

about the men who might be buying our planes.

You say you know this Mr. Post?

Oh, yes.

He flew in my squadron.

Fine character.

Highly intelligent.

Completely dependable.

B-F-L.

And the fly on the bottom has blue-green eyes.

You're wrong.

He had black eyes.

Probably been in a fight.

When they heal,

they'll be blue-green.

So you've got great eyesight.

I still can't let you fly my plane.

But why, Wilbur?

You always say

there's nothing a human does

that I can't do.

Forget it.

Animals don't fly planes.

During the w*r,

they had flying tigers.

Believe me, Ed,

you'd get so dizzy up there,

you wouldn't know your front end from your back.

Yeah, I would around lunchtime.

Besides,

people get dizzy too.

Uh-uh.

Not me.

See, Ed,

I was an experienced pilot.

Boy, you could put a blindfold on me,

you could shove me in a barrel,

drop me in a coal mine,

spin me around,

and I would still come right out.

Flat on your face.

Not true.

Not true.

I'll prove it to you.

Watch.

See, I simply

take this handkerchief,

put it around the eyes,

huh?

I'll show you why

human beings make the best pilots, Ed.

Ah, first of all, see,

we start off,

we bank to the left.

Huh?

And we bank to the right.

Go into a spin.

Mm-mm.

Fly upside down.

And then I come straight out of it

and head right for you.

You see?

Oh.

Hi.

Wilbur, I still don't understand

why the government

wants you checked out

by a psychiatrist

before they'll let us

fly one of those planes.

Well, it's a long story, Gordon,

but see, I was fooling around with Ed.

Oh, it's that horse again.

Wilbur,

this is my big chance

to break out of retirement.

If we lose that plane

because of your horse...

Come on, Gordon,

you know me.

Do you think for one minute

the psychiatrist

is gonna declare me

mentally incompetent?

I better look for another partner.

Leave me, Gordon.

All we're gonna do

is just ask a few

simple questions.

I know.

It's your answers

that I'm worried about.

Nothing to worry about.

When I get back,

we will get our plane.

Well, not if you're going

to be this tense and upset.

What makes you think

I am tense and upset?

Wilbur is tense.

He's got to pass that test

so I can fly his plane.

I'll go along.

Make him laugh

so he'll relax.

Ah, how's that?

Perfect, huh?

Yes.

You seem to be perfectly normal

in all respects, Mr. Post.

There must have been

some misunderstanding

with Mr. Page yesterday.

Well, those things

are bound to happen.

The important thing is

that Colonel Kirkwood and I

are seriously interested

in purchasing

one of those surplus planes.

As I was saying,

um, we're interested

in purchasing

the surplus airplane

to shuttle merchandise

around the country.

Uh...

Mr. Post,

what are you smiling at?

Oh, well, uh,

my mother always taught

us kids to smile.

You see, she felt that

a smile opens all doors.

Mother always...

Mother...

Mother...

Mr. Post,

when you were in the Air Force,

did you make

many parachute jumps?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Um, I'd say

close to 50.

Mm.

Ever land on your head?

Oh, Doctor, no, no.

I see, I see

what you're thinking.

No, you're wrong.

You see, what was going on,

I was...

She's...

She's...

She's...

Come on, Colonel,

don't be stubborn.

Three days of not talking

to each other is enough.

Now, you two kiss

or do whatever men do

when they make up.

Wilbur,

you hold out your hand first.

Show him you're bigger.

He's bigger?

Honey, remember,

it was your husband

who deliberately

failed that examination

so that my husband

couldn't buy the airplane.

That's telling him, Winnie.

Winnie, that's

a terrible thing to say.

My husband is

just as smart

as your husband.

That's telling him, Carol.

Wait, that's not

much of a compliment.

Well, anyway,

the Air Force thought

my husband was smarter.

That's why they made

Wilbur a lieutenant

and the Colonel a colonel.

I don't want to say

that Gordon's career

was helped,

but I understand

your father was a general.

So what?

My husband came up

through the ranks.

From private to colonel

in three months?

It was four months.

Gordon,

what are we fighting about?

This whole thing

has been a misunderstanding.

Well, you still haven't

told me what happened

at that examination.

Okay.

I had a few crazy old hats

and some props lying around,

left over from

a masquerade party.

And Ed put them on.

That horse again.

Wilbur, Mr. Ed's caused

enough trouble around here.

Sell him or forget me

as a friend.

Now, look, Gordon.

Don't ask me to sell Ed.

A horse is a man's best friend.

Would I ask you

to get rid of Winnie?

What Wilbur's trying to say

is that his horse

is as important

as his wife.

Is that what

you're trying to say?

No.

Come on, Winnie.

Maybe I can find

someone else

to buy that plane with me.

A horse may be

a man's best friend,

but remember,

a wife is a relative.

Carol, look,

I did not mean that

the way it sounded.

I know, honey.

Are you going to sell Mr. Ed?

No.

Dear, I know Ed

causes a lot of trouble,

but I just don't have

the heart to part with him.

Well, I'll make it easy for him.

I'll grab a plane

and fly to South America.

Hmm.

Wonder what that sign

over there says.

I'd better get closer.

Left my reading glasses home.

Obsolete.

Hmm.

Guess they won't mind

if I take that one.

My first solo.

My four legs are shaking

like they were

the Wright brothers.

It's a horse.

Get that horse

off the field.

Hey, look at

the mess of dials.

How is a horse

supposed to understand

all this?

Let's see now.

I gotta get that ramp up.

Here it is.

One way or another,

I'm going to get

my wings today.

Now to get this show

on the road.

This ought to do it.

Get that horse

off the field.

I wish these pedestrians

would stay in the safety zone.

It'd be nice

if I could find the runway.

Get that horse

off the field.

Now I got the hang of it.

Looks like I'm singing

when I should be sagging.

Uh-oh.

Hey, pressed

the wrong button.

If a bird ever

flew like this,

they'd put him away.

Better push

the forward button.

Going forward,

the only way to fly

is a horse.

Goodbye, Wolber.

I'm sorry I didn't

take out flight insurance

for you.

Oh, buddy boy,

I won't be starting

any more fights

between you

and the Kirkwoods.

When you read this,

I'll be flying a plane

to South America.

That crazy horse,

he can't fly.

He hasn't got a license.

Gordon, I think

it was just wonderful

of you to make up

with Wilbur.

He'll be thrilled

with the cake.

The colonel always

does everything right.

I'm sorry, Winnie.

45 minutes

and I'm still

over the airport.

I wonder if I'm supposed

to pull up

an anchor or something.

I got a feeling

I shouldn't have done that.

Look out!

Look out down there!

I'd swap this thing

for a boat

right now.

I'll never make

South America this way.

China, maybe.

This ought to do

something.

Look!

It's like a horse!

Look out below!

Crazy horse!

Run for your lives!

Women and children first!

Unfasten your safety belts!

No smoking!

Keep off the grass!

What am I talking about?

Uh, pardon me.

Did you see a horse

around the field?

He's...

He's up there.

Up in the plane?

Hello, Ed.

Hello, Ed.

Do you hear me?

Do you hear me?

Over.

I am over.

That's the trouble.

Now, don't worry, Ed.

I'll help you.

Give the wheel

a sharp turn to the right.

Thanks, Wilbur.

I didn't have time

to read the instruction book.

Now, Ed,

you're over the lake.

You do exactly

as I tell you,

and maybe we can

save the plane.

To heck with the plane!

Save me!

I'm going home.

I'm not well.

Now, listen to me, Ed.

Set the controls

for automatic landing.

Okay, now what?

Now jump!

Sorry,

you had the wrong number.

Ed,

while you're over the lake,

jump!

Let me get the hatch open.

Well, here I go!

It opened!

Good boy, Ed!

I wonder

if I'm gonna splash,

bounce,

or just lay there.

Well, that jump into the lake

didn't seem to hurt your legs, Ed.

Because that's not

where I landed.

You know, that was

a very thoughtless thing you did.

Fortunately,

the plane landed in the lake,

but do you know

it'll still take me a year

to pay for those damages?

What would you rather have?

A whole plane

or a half a horse?

Of course,

I'd rather have you, Ed.

But I certainly hope

this experience

has cured your yin for flying.

It sure has.

Flying's for the birds.

And if they had any brains,

they'd turn in their wings

and walk.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

People yackety-yack a streak

and waste your time a day.

But Mr. Ed will never speak

unless he has something to say.

A horse is a horse,

of course, of course,

and this one will talk

to his voice, his horse.

You never heard

of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed.

This has been

a Filmways presentation.