05x08 - What Kind of Foal Am I?

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

Say something.

Are you thinking, sleeping, or dead?

I'm trying to concentrate.

Sorry, Mr. Einstein.

Your father-in-law's coming to town today, huh?

I know, I know.

Why are you so scared of him, Wilbur?

Quiet.

He thinks you're a kook, doesn't he?

You want to play or talk?

Talk.

I've already beaten you three games in a row.

The day I find a squirrel that can play chess, you are through.

Eh, eh?

Kid, your move.

This is like taking sugar cubes from a pony.

Checkmate.

You win again.

Naturally.

The human brain is no match against a dumb animal.

Okay, okay.

How can I possibly win with you needling me about Harold's father coming?

Don't be upset, Wilbur.

I don't think you're upset.

I'm not a kook.

No, but he does.

And you know why?

Because every time he comes here, you get me into trouble.

Eh, that's the curse of being an oldie horse.

You'll get blamed for everything.

Oh?

You know, if memory serves, the last time he was here,

a certain horse who had a date that night decided to go to a car wash to get cleaned up.

I still think you should have spent the extra half buck to get me waxed.

My father-in-law is going to be here for two weeks.

And during that time, I don't want any shenanigans from you.

If I had a shenanigan, I wouldn't give it to you.

Funny, funny.

Poor Wilbur.

I'm glad I don't have somebody like me around to foul up my life.

Hi, honey.

Hi.

Well, in just one hour, your dad is going to come swooping out of the sky like some giant vulture.

Giant eagle.

Big noble chicken.

I better start to the airport.

You better let me pick him up.

Why?

Don't you trust me to bring your dad from the airport to the house?

The last time you went, you came home with the baggage and left Dad at the airport.

That wasn't my fault.

He never speaks to me.

How was I to know he wasn't sitting in the back?

I'll pick him up.

And Wilbur, if you do anything this time to spoil Dad's vacation...

Oh, don't be silly, honey.

How can I possibly spoil his vacation?

Wilbur, get up!

That's Father's favorite shade.

I just cleaned it.

Carol, your father is only coming for a little visit.

Why are you so jumpy?

Well, every time he comes to visit us, you start acting, well, kooky.

Oh, that's all in your head.

I don't act any different when your father's here than I do normally.

That's normal.

What happened, termites?

Just one kooky termite.

Wilbur, honey, you better get the other cushion.

And I'll pick up Dad.

Yeah, I'll take...

I hear you're leaving for Tijuana, huh?

Uh-uh, I've changed my mind.

I thought you liked the bullfights.

Tame stuff compared to watching your father-in-law sink his horns into you.

I wouldn't miss his visit for the world.

Look, Gordon, deep down, Carol's father respects me.

I mean, he sees I have a nice home, I make a good living, I'm a successful architect.

He knows I must have something up here.

Sure he does. That's why he visits you so often.

He's trying to find out what it is.

Oh, this is dusty.

Allow me, Wilbur.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

What are you laughing at?

You making such a fuss over old Picklepuss.

You show a little respect. Cut that out.

Fathers are very important in this world.

They are.

Yes, they are.

In fact, there's a song that beautifully expresses the sentiment of a child for his father.

It goes,

Oh, my papa, to me he was so wonderful.

Oh, my papa, to me he was so good.

No one could be so gentle and so lovable.

Oh, my papa, he always understood.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

What's the matter, son?

I want my papa.

Now, Ed, we know who your mother is and where she lives,

but we don't know where your father is.

Then I want to find him right now.

Now, Ed, Carol's father will be here any minute.

Don't you start making any trouble for me.

I want my daddy right now.

I wonder if they'd let me go to jail for a couple of weeks.

Welcome home, Daddy.

Wilbur.

Wilbur, Daddy's here.

He must be in the barn. I'll go get him.

Must you?

Can't I rest up a little before I face him?

Now, Daddy, I know how you feel about Wilbur.

But you're wrong.

He's a very kind, generous, talented...

Kook.

Daddy, you're not being fair.

When you get to know Wilbur better,

you'll realize he's basically a very sensible man.

Ed, I want you to consider me your two-legged father.

No, Wilbur.

A horse is entitled to a father with hoofs and a tail.

Ed, I warn you.

If you make any trouble for me while Carol's father is here...

You wouldn't talk to me like that

if my daddy were here to protect me.

I've got to find my father.

When I was a little colt,

I used to wonder if I was a thoroughbred

or an Arabian or a Western horse.

I used to go around singing,

What Kind of Foal Am I?

Ed, if you feel that strongly,

why don't you go visit your mother,

find out what happened to your father?

No.

Every time I bring up the subject,

she begins bawling.

Your father walked out on her, huh?

All I know is Mom got custody of me.

Yeah, then when she was sold,

I got custody of you, which makes me your father.

No, no, no.

I want my four-legged daddy.

Ed, you listen to me and do what I tell you.

You go see your mother.

Tell her it's important for a horse

to know who his father is.

Just make sure you get back by 12 o'clock

and cross with the lights.

Ahem.

Oh! Oh, hi, Dad.

Uh, did you have a nice plane trip?

You look swell.

Did you just send your horse to visit his mother?

Uh, uh, well, uh...

Oh, I-I know what you're thinking.

Sure, it isn't Mother's Day.

Well, the way I feel,

you go to see your dentist twice a year.

Why shouldn't you go to see your mother more often?

My only daughter.

Where did I fail her?

Tell me the truth, Wilbur.

How do you really make a living?

Well, you know, I'm an architect.

I know you have a license to be an architect,

but is it possible?

I mean, do people actually allow you

to build structures that they can safely walk into?

Oh, it may interest you to know

that I-I constructed a 12-story office building

downtown six months ago.

And it's still standing.

Come on, sit down, Dad.

Sit right here in the boss's chair.

I bought some candy for you.

It's your favorite.

Huh?

Great picture of you.

Just great.

Chocolate centers.

Cream centers.

Never leaves my desk.

Hey, now, where's...

Oh!

Now, Calla, don't be like this.

Married people should talk to each other.

Carol?

Honey?

Miss Higgins?

Look, I still think it was childish of your father

to lock himself in his room

just because he was afraid of me.

What does he think I am?

Some kind of nut?

A chocolate-coated one.

She talks! She loves me!

Can't tell that from the expensive spread.

Who could be calling this time of night?

Hello?

Wilbur, I got a lead on my papa.

No kidding!

Yeah, I'm so happy I could sing.

Ahem.

Oh, my papa

To me he was so wonderful

Oh, my papa

To me he was so good

No one could be

So gentle and so lovable

Oh, my papa

Always understood

See you, fella.

Wilbur, who was that?

Wrong number.

See you later, Higgy.

Oh!

Dad, I'm sorry. Let me give you a hand.

Oh, go away.

The safest place in this house is on the floor.

I'll help you.

No, go away.

Get away!

Well, what did you find out from your mother, Ed?

Mom says Dad used to work for Peckering Stables.

Used to?

Yeah, they sold him.

Let's find out to who, huh?

Oh, gee, I'm sorry.

It'll have to wait till Carol's father goes home.

I want my daddy now.

Right now.

Now, Ed.

Oh, my papa

To me he was so wonderful

Oh, my papa

To me he was so good

No one could be

So gentle and so lovable

Oh, my papa

He always understood

Will you find my daddy for me, Wilbur?

No.

Operator, get me a private investigator.

I want to locate a missing horse.

No, you've got the wrong number.

No, this is not Sadie's Bar and Grill.

Would you please hang up?

There's somebody trying to sleep here.

No, I am not Sadie.

I'm not trying to disguise my voice.

No, I...

I thought I told you that a phone woke you up.

Can I get you something from the kitchen?

No, thank you, Sadie.

Wilbur, will you do me a favor?

Yeah, what is it?

My coat is in the hall closet.

Right.

You'll find a key in the right-hand pocket.

Check. What do you want me to do with it?

Go down to the airport, open the locker,

and lock yourself in.

Right.

The way you said that, it sounded just like you meant it.

You meant it.

You see, the reason I put the blanket over you

is I want you to keep warm.

It's kind of cool out here.

Look, why don't I turn this around

so you'll be facing right into the sun, huh?

Wilbur, I warn you, I've sent a sealed letter to the D.A.

If anything happens to me, you'll never get away with it.

Now, put me down!

Okay, then.

Uh...

I'll take care of that.

Oh, I wouldn't swear to...

Shh! On your paper.

Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry.

The nozzle must be on backwards.

Your head must be on backwards.

But I...

Wilbur, you are a panic.

What is so funny?

I was watching you.

If that's your way of making friends,

how do you go about making enemies?

I don't know. When I'm around him, I am just not myself.

Well, whoever you are, you're not his type.

He'll be right.

You know, if I had any sense, I'd do it.

Do what?

Sit out the two weeks in his airport locker.

There's a detective here to see you.

Detective? What's he doing here?

Maybe her father is hiring a bodyguard.

Mr. Post?

Yes, what can I do for you?

Well, I'm Hawkins, the detective you hired last night.

Oh, you...

I hired?

Yes, you wanted me to find your horse's father, didn't you?

Wha...

Honest.

Would I say a silly thing like that?

All right, Wilbur, then who did?

Yes, who did?

Oh.

Well, maybe I did.

What did I say?

Well, you said you wanted me to check on your horse's papa, remember?

Pa... Papa.

What else did I say?

Well, this is what I dug up.

It seems that Happy Times Stables sold Mr. Ed's father to a retired Navy man.

And this sailor tattooed an anchor on the horse's left flank,

which made it easy for me to trace him.

Now, according to my findings, there's a carnival out at the edge of town.

Why don't we discuss this outside?

I think this should only be heard by my horse and his immediate family.

I wonder if they have get-well cards for his kind of sickness.

Just who do you think you are, hiring a detective, using my name?

This information he dug up cost me a fortune.

And what is worse, he made me look like a fool in front of everybody.

Pay attention. What are you looking at?

A picture of my father.

Uh-huh.

What are you talking about? That frame is empty.

I know. I'm the only horse who visits his mother on Father's Day.

Look, Ed, would you be reasonable? Detectives are expensive.

What are you trying to do, break me?

Oh, I empty your pockets, Wilbur, and fill that frame.

I'd love to help you, Ed, but not right now.

I'm in enough trouble with Carol's father.

Oh, my papa

To me he was so wonderful

No, please.

Oh, my papa

To me he was so good

No one could be

So gentle and so lovable

Oh, my papa

He always understood

According to these notes, your father was owned by a sailor

and he tattooed an anchor on your father's left flank.

A sailor, huh?

Gee, I hope Dad didn't have a filly in every port.

Well, the detective thinks that the sailor sold your father to a carnival,

the one that just came into town.

I wonder what Daddy is like.

Do you suppose he talks like me?

Well, if he does, he'll be easy to find at a carnival.

We'll just look for a four-legged barker.

Ed, there's the last two horses.

They're both Palominos.

You think one of them could be your father?

The one on the left resembles my Uncle Joe.

The one with the blanket, huh?

Are you sure?

Well, he's got the family tail.

Check and see if there's a tattoo on his left flank.

Hey, you.

What do you think you're doing to that horse?

Oh, well, see, I just came down with my horse.

He's looking for his father.

Who's looking for whose father?

My horse.

Your horse?

You see, he knows where his mother is,

but he would, uh, Bernie, he wants to, uh,

well, he'd like to complete the set.

Hey, you know something, buddy?

I think you've been taking too many turns on that Ferris wheel.

What do I want to find out?

Hands off.

Now, that's carnival property.

Now, beat it, bud.

Didn't you hear what I said?

Beat it.

Hey.

Hey, would you like to see a very rare coin?

That dime is a collector's item.

Yeah? What's so rare about it?

Well, it was made in 1841, see?

1841? This says 1960.

Well, that's what makes it so rare.

See, they made a mistake in the date.

Yeah.

If you, uh, if you look very carefully,

you'll see the printing is all faded,

the numbers, you see?

That shows that even the Treasury Department

wasn't sure of the date.

Hey, what are you doing with this?

What?

Fresh, are you trying to be funny?

Well, you're a real troublemaker.

I ought to bust you one.

Run for your lives!

Elephant Stampede!

Elephant Stampede?

Elephant Stampede.

What are we waiting for, Wilbur?

Let's go get my dad.

Ed, I don't know if that is your dad.

I'll have to check with the owner.

Oh, all right.

Ed, look!

What?

Wilbur, it's my papa.

Say hello to him, Ed.

Uh...

Hi, Dad.

It's your little Eddie, remember?

Oh...

My dad.

Oh, there he is now, Carol.

He's acting very strange.

I'd better go and have a talk with him.

Daddy, I still think we shouldn't have followed him here.

Hmm.

Hey, you.

Now, what was that gag about the Elephant Stampede?

Now, look, you get your horse out of here, and right now...

You don't understand...

Let's go. Get your horse out of here.

Look, you leave that horse alone.

All right, wise guy.

You're asking for it.

Oh, no, no, no, no, wait a minute.

No, no, no, no, no, wait!

Ah!

Hi, Dad.

Wilbur, why did you do that?

What did I do?

You deliberately ducked.

Look at that.

Hey, Carol, I...

I may have lost a father-in-law,

but Ed has gained a daddy.

Uh, Wilbur, thanks again for buying Dad

and giving him to Mom's owner.

Just look at them.

It's like a second honeymoon.

And, you know,

it's the first time I've seen Mom smile in years.

I just wish Carol's father could see this.

Maybe he wouldn't be so sore at me.

He's gonna be with us another week, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, he figures it'll take him at least that long

to talk Carol into going back with him.

Well, the important thing, Wilbur,

my Mommy and Daddy have each other,

and I've got them.

And I'm stuck with all three of you.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And no one can talk to a horse, of course

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed

Go right to the source and ask the horse

He'll give you the answer that you endorse

He's always on a steady course

Talk to Mr. Ed

People yackety-yack a streak

And waste your time a day

But Mr. Ed will never speak

Unless he has something to say

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And this one will talk to his voice, his voice

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this

I am Mr. Ed

This has been a Filmways presentation.