05x11 - Like Father, Like Horse

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

You're everything a horse could want in a horse.

You're the only one for me.

Ed.

Kiss me, princess.

Ed.

What?

Wilbur.

Say, did I just kiss you?

Yeah, and I feel like I walked through a car wash.

Ed, look at the time, Ed.

You slept all afternoon.

Yeah, two o'clock.

Darn it, missed Walter Cronkite.

What are you doing eating, sleeping, eating, sleeping, loaf around here all day?

Yeah, you know, I pity people.

They got to work 65 years before they can retire and live like a horse.

I thought you were going to clean this office while I was downtown.

Sorry, Wilbur, I guess I fell asleep while reading the paper.

What makes you such a lazy goof-off?

Heredity.

I take after you.

Don't be a wise guy.

I mean it, Wilbur.

Come here and read this article in the paper.

Get down in the corner.

Extensive research has shown that an animal tends to reflect the personality and character of its owner.

See?

You smooch with Carol.

I smooch with princess, like master, like horse.

That's a lot of nonsense.

Animals do not take after their owner.

Oh, no?

Well, just turn to the second page and take a look at the winners of yesterday's dog show.

You see, Wilbur, animals do take after their owners.

Come here.

Look in the mirror and I'll show you something.

Ed, I don't know why I go along with you in these things.

Wilbur, we've been together so long, I'm starting to look like you.

Oh, come on, Ed.

See?

We got the same little ears, the same stubborn chin, the same lovely lashes.

Maybe so, but I think your tail is a little longer than mine.

Well, I'll bet if you had a tail, we could pass for twins.

You're way off.

First place, your cheekbones are much higher than mine.

I don't have those pointed ears that you have.

My neck is much shorter.

We couldn't even pass for distant relatives.

Why not?

You're talking like a jackass.

Hi, Gordon.

You see, what happened, Gordon, was there's an article in this paper here.

It states that animals gradually get to resemble their owners,

and I was just trying to disprove that theory.

To who?

To whom.

See, who becomes whom when it follows a preposition.

It's a very small grammatical point, but I think if you think about it, you'll come to understand.

Wilbur, the day I start understanding you, I'll have myself committed.

Gordon, come on, what did you come in here to show me?

Oh, I've been trying to figure out one of those birdseed slogans,

and I wanted to try it out on you.

Are you still trying to win that trip to Hawaii?

Why not?

You've spent so much money on stamps for these contests, you could have mailed yourself to Hawaii.

Well, I think this one may make it.

Now, you listen.

If your canary is sick and burping, Crawford's birdseed will have him chirping.

What do you think?

Well?

I agree with him.

Oh, everything to use a big joke.

You haven't got any more brains than that animal.

Gordon, you should never call a horse an animal where he can hear you.

Oh, I never did.

Calling me an animal.

Well, I'm getting even.

When I finish with that chicken colonel, he'll be squawking from the other side of his beak.

That's crazy.

I look a bit like him.

Wilbur.

Oh, hi.

Hi, Carol.

You see what I was doing?

Now, this article said that animals and their owners get to resemble each other.

Oh, honey, really?

Of course, I don't believe it.

You ever heard of a man looking like a horse?

I've heard of husbands and wives getting to look alike.

I hope not.

I married you for the difference.

Um, I can't quite picture you in a bikini.

Oh, I don't know.

Trim off a few pounds here and add a few there.

I'd be a doll.

If you want me, dear, I'll be over at Gordon's.

Oh, do you think you ought to bother him, honey?

He's still trying to make up that slogan for the birdseed contest.

Oh, boy, if he thinks he's gonna get to Hawaii with that junk he's been riding,

he better start swimming right now.

If your canary is weak and stooped,

Crawford's birdseed will make him...

Pooped?

Drooped?

Looped?

Looped.

Well, who knows what they put in birdseed these days.

Winnie, will you go in the kitchen and bake a cake?

Well, I was only trying to help you, dear.

Give your bird a tasty light, Crawford birdseed, but...

Give your bird a tasty light, Crawford birdseed...

Winnie!

Uh, yes, Colonel?

What are you doing now?

Sharpening pencils, dear.

Will you please go in the kitchen?

I just can't think!

Oh, I'll get you some fish.

They say it's wonderful brain food.

Good, go.

On second thought,

how smart can a fish be if he gets caught?

Can't you find something to do around the house?

Clean something quietly?

Polish something quietly?

Sit quietly?

Quietly?

Why don't you say you want me to leave?

I want you to leave.

Very well.

You know Mother's address?

Yes, it's 922...

Oh, now, Winnie!

Why are you so upset?

Ed, what are you doing?

What were you doing over there, Ed?

Catching a fight.

It's so beautiful, it should be in color.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Don't you realize that Kirkwoods are entitled to their privacy?

Why, Wilbur?

When a couple gets married, their fights belong to the world.

I'm surprised at you.

You never see me eavesdropping, do you?

No.

Where do you hide yourself, Wilbur?

Listen to me.

If animals really do take after their owners,

you want to be like me, right?

Right down to those baby blue eyes.

Good.

And you won't eavesdrop anymore, huh?

Never.

Good.

Will you do me a favor?

Sure, what is it?

Become an eavesdropper so I can be like you and still have fun.

I just haven't reached you, have I?

Head or nose, I've tried to set a good example for you, Ed.

You're the best, buddy boy.

To me, you're a combination of George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Eddie R. Carroll.

Thank you.

Well, lecture's over.

And I want you to forget everything you overheard the Kirkwoods saying.

Even that she's going to leave him, huh?

Even that...

She's going to leave him?

Lock, stock, and community property.

Well, what happened?

What were they fighting about?

Can't tell you, Wilbur.

It's against professional ethics.

What professional ethics?

Doctors and horses never repeat what they hear.

Oh, come on, Ed.

You can tell me.

My lips are sealed.

I won't repeat anything.

What is it?

No, no, no.

Oh, now, Winnie.

Why are you so upset?

Well, you never let me help you in anything.

To you, I'm just a beautiful toy.

Oh, Winnie, my beautiful toy.

I'm glad you're a girl and not a boy.

Oh, Winnie, if I hurt your feelings, I am sorry.

Sorry.

Well, I'm glad you're a boy, too, Colonel.

But I wish you wouldn't treat me like a...

Bird in a gilded cage.

All right, I promise that I...

Oh!

Oh, that's it, that's it.

Put your bird in a gilded cage with Crawford's bird seed.

It's all arranged.

Oh, that's marvelous.

You like it, you like it, huh?

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh, isn't it wonderful, dear?

Every time we have a fight, something good comes of it.

Yeah.

Put your bird, put your bird in a gilded...

Ha, ha, ha.

We could put the fireplace over on this side.

We could put the fireplace over on this side.

Yeah, why not?

Yeah, why not?

Nope, that's wrong.

Nope, that's wrong.

Do you have to do everything I do?

Oh, yeah, because we're alike.

If your mother were a horse, we'd be brothers.

Put him back in your stall.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Hey, Wilbur, I...

I almost broke my neck.

What's this apple doing on the floor?

What? That's Ed's. You can have it if you want.

Oh.

Why do you let that stupid plug wander around your office?

I came over to invite you for bridge tonight,

but I think you'd be better off if you joined a group therapy class.

Uh, Gordon, how are you getting on with that Hawaiian contest?

Well, I mailed the slogan in, but I haven't heard yet.

I wouldn't buy a grass skirt if I were you.

Oh.

Well...

So, I'm a stupid plug, huh?

Well, he asked for it.

The masked horse rides tonight.

What's he saying?

Uh, nothing, nothing.

One diamond.

Two clubs.

Pass.

Pass.

Pass.

Six diamonds.

Six diamonds?

Why didn't you say something when I bid one diamond?

Well, I couldn't. My mouth was full of peanuts.

Uh, Wilbur, would you like to change partners?

Uh, no, thank you, Gordon.

Winnie's a nice girl. I'd hate to break in a new set of in-laws.

Colonel, I'm thirsty. Could I please have a drink of water?

What again?

Let me get it.

I've got Ace, King, Queen of Diamonds here.

I don't want to be around when she plays this hand.

He's got the Ace, King, Queen of Diamonds,

and you bid six diamonds.

If you wanted a bridge player for a wife,

why didn't you marry Eli Culbertson?

Hello?

Yes, he's here.

Just a minute.

Colonel, it's the Crawford Birdseed Company.

Oh, my slogan. Holy cow.

Well...

Uh, hello.

Uh, yes, this is Crawford Gordon.

Uh, I mean, uh, uh, Colonel Birdseed.

Oh, uh, C-C-Colonel.

Uh, yes.

Congratulations, Colonel.

And from all of us here at Crawford's Birdseed,

Aloha.

Uh, what? I did?

I-I won. I won. I-I won.

I mean, what?

Oh, I won the trip to Hawaii?

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Uh, when can I expect the tickets?

Uh, oh, they're on the way now?

Well, thank you.

Will he be surprised when he steps on that boat

and it's not there?

I just adore Hawaiian dresses.

You can put on 30 pounds, 20 pounds,

no one knows the difference.

Oh, Winnie, I'm so happy you won the trip to Hawaii.

You're just going to love Waikiki Beach.

I can hardly wait to fall off my first surfboard.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

La, la, la, la.

La, la, la, la.

Oh, Colonel.

My.

Oh, my goodness.

You know, Winnie, he's not bad.

Why, Colonel, I didn't know you could wiggle your hips.

As long as they're paying for it, I can wiggle anything.

Aloha. Uh, hello.

Who?

It's the birdseed company.

Our board met this morning,

and because your slogan was so good,

we decided to add another country to your trip.

Tahiti?

Well, uh, thank you.

Uh, yes, yes, I have a canary.

What?

Yes, he is very smart.

I thought so.

It's well known that an animal

reflects the personality of its owner.

Yes, yes, I suppose so.

Well, thank you for Tahiti.

You know what?

They like my slogan so much,

they've added Tahiti to our trip.

Oh, that's just too much.

Yes.

I'm not leaving the house today.

I'm just going to sit around here collecting country.

Hi, kids.

Oh, Will, but guess what?

The contest people like Gordon's slogan so much,

they added Tahiti to the trip.

Ah.

You're sure getting a lot of mileage out of that birdseed.

Well, that was the president of the company.

He just couldn't get through flattering me,

and when he ran out of nice things to say,

he began praising my canary.

Oh, what did he say, dear?

Well, he said that, uh, our bird must be very smart

because animals tend to reflect the personality of their owners.

We don't... There is a theory.

The president of the birdseed company said this?

Yes.

What, uh, what sort of voice did he have?

Oh, a deep one.

Uh, very pleasant.

Most impressive.

Excuse me.

Ed, did you or did you not phone Gordon Kirkwood

and tell him he won the trip to Hawaii?

I refuse to answer.

On the grounds that I'm a dumb animal,

and animals can't talk.

You're making me lose my temper.

Now admit it.

You phoned the colonel.

Say it.

I phoned the colonel.

You phoned the colonel.

Right.

No.

Look, Ed,

look me in the eye and tell me

you didn't phone the colonel.

Okay.

I didn't phone the colonel.

You didn't look me in the eye.

Uh, there was a fly on my tail,

and I wanted to see if it was anybody I knew.

Ed, I can't understand how you could do such a thing.

Exactly how far were you planning to go with the colonel?

Well, after Tahiti,

I thought I'd send him to Bali-Bali,

then on to Tokyo.

And where?

Uh, I figured I'd book him on a freighter

bound for Australia.

Australia?

This time of year, are you out of your mind?

Oh, Wilbur,

are you booking this passenger or am I?

I'm sorry, Ed.

Well, then, where was he going from Australia?

What are you talking about?

Gordon isn't going anywhere.

Then why blame me for sending him?

Ed,

that was a cruel, practical joke to play on the colonel.

What made you do such a thing?

He insulted me,

and I said to myself,

how would Wilbur get even?

Because I'm a lot like my master.

You are nothing like me.

Ed,

now I've got to face Gordon and Winnie

and tell them they are not going to Hawaii.

They did not win the contest.

And why?

Because it was my horse who phoned them.

Ed,

you better not tell them it was me that phoned

or they'll put you away.

Hi, kids.

Hi, Winnie.

All packed, Gordon?

No, not quite yet.

Oh, there's no rush.

The tickets haven't even arrived.

Maybe there won't be any tickets.

Oh, what I'm trying to say is that...

Well, I'm glad you're sitting down, Winnie,

and you better lie down.

What are you trying to say?

Well, what I would like to say is

that you're going to have a wonderful trip to Hawaii.

But what I've got to say is

you're not going.

What?

You didn't win any slogan contest

because the whole thing was a practical joke.

A practical joke?

Why, that's impossible.

The president himself...

Wait a minute.

It was you.

You who always made fun of my slogans.

Now, Gordon...

Last night when we were playing bridge

and the phone rang, you were out of the room.

You were never in the room

when I received those phone calls.

Well, Burr, the evidence points directly at you.

Gordon, I didn't do it. Believe me.

You think I'd play a terrible joke like that

on my best friends?

Now, you believe me, don't you?

Of course.

I have to. I'm your wife.

Winnie, you're not my wife.

Do I look the kind of a fellow

who would play a low-down, dirty trick like that?

Of course not, Wilbur.

Then why did you?

I never...

Wilbur, look me right in the eye

and tell me you did not make those phone calls.

Sure, I did not make those phone calls.

Why did you turn away?

Well, there was a fly on my...

I had an itch. Your phone's ringing.

I heard it.

Hello.

Wilbur, it's that voice again.

It wasn't you.

I played that joke on you.

Why?

Because you gave me a hard time in the Air Force.

Now we're even.

Kind anonymous.

Wilbur, I, uh...

I owe you an apology.

Those calls were made by some kook

who served under me in the Air Force.

Do you have any idea who it could be?

Wilbur, you served in the colonel's company.

Was there any one person in his outfit who hated him?

No, I think it was equally divided amongst all 32,000 men.

Oh, I'll get it.

Hello.

Colonel Gordon Kirkwood?

Yes.

I'm Mr. Crawford,

president of the Crawford Birdseed Company.

I have good news for you.

Oh, I'm delighted.

Won't you please come in?

Congratulations, Colonel.

You've won our slogan contest.

And now, here are your tickets for your trip to Hawaii.

Oh, thank you very much.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Allow me.

Hey, Gordon.

These tickets are real.

Huh?

You mean my slogan really won?

Oh, Colonel, we'd better pack

before they change their minds again.

No, this is the real thing.

It'd never dare.

What did you say?

Ah, that's a volcano in Hawaii.

It'd never dare.

Real tourist attraction.

Don't miss it.

Aloha.

Why, did you kick me?

This ought to make Wilbur forgive me

for the trick I played on the Colonel.

No, it won't.

You scared me.

Oh, Wilbur, you shouldn't have done that.

You shouldn't blame me for what I did.

Remember, animals take after their owners.

Well, you won't be taking after this owner for a while

because he's sailing for Hawaii.

He is?

That's right.

Carol and I decided to join the Kirkwoods

on their trip next week.

Oh, swell.

Hey, can't you just see me doing a hula

with some cute little Hawaiian filly?

Uh-huh.

Hey, hey.

Hey, hey.

Forget it, Ed.

You can't come along this trip.

No, no, no.

Oh, Wilbur, I'm going along

if I have to run alongside the ship all the way.

I'm sorry, Whirl-A-Way, but you can't come along.

Well, I may not be a Whirl-A-Way,

but I could be a Stow-A-Way.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course,

and no one can talk to a horse, of course, that is, of course,

unless the horse is a famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course,

talk to Mr. Ed.

People yackety-yack a streak and waste your time a day,

but Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course,

and this one will talk to his voice, his voice.

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed.

This has been a Filmways presentation.