05x13 - Never Ride Horses

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

CHILDREN'S PLAYGROUND

Well, that includes me.

I'm only eight.

I ought to be good at this.

The fillies call me Ed the Swinger.

That's the trouble with being a horse.

You've got it all in the hips.

Ed, what's the big idea?

I stop to take a drink of the water fountain.

I turn around, you're gone.

Must be fun going up and down on this seesaw.

Hey, Wilbur, can you dig me up another horse?

Now, Ed, stop kidding around.

Carol and her father are waiting to have lunch,

and I don't want to be late.

Now, Ed, you listen to me.

Watch this next one, Wilbur, right on your ear.

Stop that. Let's ride home.

All right. Who carries who?

Who carries who?

You know, lately you've been avoiding carrying me.

What's going on?

Well, for a long time,

I've felt it's unfair for people to ride horses.

Unfair to ride horses?

What are you talking about?

What else should people ride?

Some other animal. Maybe cows.

Cows carry people?

Yeah.

You're serious.

You really believe that people shouldn't ride horses?

It's not the American way.

One group should not sit on another.

Well, look, Ed, if you feel that strongly about it,

write to your congressman.

Meanwhile, let's ride home.

Now, wait. Don't be silly.

Now, let me get on. Please.

Now, Ed, this is not funny at all.

You're acting stupid.

It's almost 2 o'clock.

That husband of yours has never been on time for anything.

Not true, Dad. He was on time for our wedding.

The one time you don't need him, he shows up.

Oh, no, Dad. You must be starved.

Why don't you start your lunch?

I've never seen anything like it.

When he's out with that horse, he forgets he's got a home.

Why should a man spend all that time with a dumb animal

when he has a wife?

Thanks a lot, Dad.

When he's not riding, Mr. Ed, he's feeding him.

Washing him. Bathing him.

Or combing him.

You didn't get a husband. You got a jockey.

Oh, Daddy, stop it.

Wilbur's a wonderful man. He's very good to me.

And he makes a fine living as an architect.

Architect? Ha!

I wouldn't let him design a doghouse for me.

Oh, Daddy.

Hi, Carol.

Hi, Dad.

Doghouse?

Why should I design a doghouse for you, Dad?

I mean, you came to spend a week's vacation.

You'll spend it right here in the house with us.

Right?

Right?

I mean, uh, you invited him, didn't you, dear?

Start your shrimp c*ck, dear.

I'll get the soup.

Yeah, soup. Thank you.

You, uh, you will forgive my clothing.

What kept you so long?

Oh, well, I was having a little trouble with Ed, you see.

He's acting like he doesn't want to be ridden.

Nonsense. Horses are born to be ridden.

That's exactly what I told him.

Him. I told him.

This fellow I was talking to, I told him.

Ah! Shrimp c*ck looks good.

Let's dig in.

Lovely day, isn't it?

I like this, son.

I know farmers pray for rain,

but the way I feel,

you can get along without rain if you just...

Don't ride horses?

What's this about not riding horses?

Yeah. Well, it's, uh...

Excuse me. A friend of mine has a campaign.

He wants to stop horseback riding.

But I look at it this way.

Hot. Hot, isn't it? Isn't it hot?

Oh, boy. Why don't I pull the shade down?

It's all on your back. Excuse me.

Something wrong with the blind. It suddenly flipped.

In this house, it's no wonder.

Yeah.

Oh, look, Dad, you haven't got any salad.

Here. Want me to help you?

That's enough.

Oh, a little. Here, just a touch.

That's enough, I told you.

She went to a lot of trouble. This is her special salad.

It's a great... A little tomato.

Oh!

There's a radish up there somewhere.

I'll get it, Dad. I'm just...

Maybe it was a scallion. I don't know.

Sorry, Dad. I'll get that out.

It's all right. There's a salad in there somewhere.

Here. Here we are.

That'll... That'll be mine.

Oh, there's a... There's a radish.

Excuse me.

I'll get it, Dad. There we go.

There she... Here she comes.

It's slippery. It's that oil and vinegar.

There we...

Oh, is this one of your... Your good ones?

Oh, I got it. I got it.

Oh!

He's got his problems, and I got mine.

I'm getting people off horses

if I got to put them on poodles.

Campaign headquarters.

Society for Prevention of Horseback Riding.

Mr. Ed, president and only member.

Ed, come on, open up. Are you in there?

No. This is a recording.

What are you doing in there?

Knitting a sweater.

Yeah? Well, what's all that noise?

I'm using steel wool.

Ed, what do you think you're doing?

Spreading my message to the world.

Don't ride horses.

I'm gonna put a stop to this right now.

You do when you'll hear from Washington.

What for?

The Constitution guarantees us horses' freedom of the press.

It does no such thing.

And horses are not supposed to run printing presses.

Oh, no?

America's first great newspaper editor was an animal.

An animal?

Horse gorilla.

That's not funny, Ed.

You know, you just made me look like a fool

in front of Carol's father with those ridiculous signs.

Now, Ed, I insist that you stop this crazy campaign

against horseback riding.

Horses were meant to carry people.

Yeah?

Show me one horse that was born with a saddle.

Now, let's see.

I'll get some kids to pass out these circulars.

Think I'll call the newspaper

and bust this story wide open.

Hello, Valley Gazette.

How would you like a human interest story

about non-humans?

Just a moment.

Uh, who am I speaking to?

The president of SPHR,

Society for the Prevention of Horseback Riding.

What's your story, mister?

You say you don't believe it's fair

for horses to carry people?

Some other animals should take over?

That's right. It's the American way.

Oh, beautiful for spacious skies

For amber waves of grain

Look, fella, you don't sound like you're in any condition to drive.

Why don't you call up your wife and have her take you home?

I don't have a wife, and I am home.

Now, take it easy, fella.

So you don't want people to ride horses, huh?

What, do you represent a streetcar line?

A bus company?

Let's just say I'm a public carrier.

Will you tell me who you are, sir?

Sorry, I have an unlisted name.

Even I don't know it.

Well, look, we like to reward people

who give us leads on stories.

So, uh, just who should I send a check to?

Wilbur Post, 1723 Old Valley Spring Road.

Whoops.

Darn it. With my brains, I should have had two tails and no mouth.

Now, Carol, dear, if Wilbur needs psychiatry

and it's a matter of money, you know you can always come to me.

But, Dad, you still haven't told me what happened at lunch yesterday.

You mean outside of destroying me?

Just what did he say?

Who knows?

Amongst other things, a lot of gibberish

about people not riding horses.

Wilbur, against people riding horses?

I knew you were headed for trouble at the wedding

when Wilbur tried to slip the ring on the minister's finger.

Daddy, the minister was holding my hand,

and he did have long, slender fingers.

Why couldn't Wilbur have run off with him?

Oh, Daddy, will you please stop it?

I'm only trying to help you, Carol.

Hi, Carol. Hi, Dad.

Why is it every time I enter a room, you two suddenly stop talking?

We don't want to hurt your feelings.

Wilbur, what's this talk about not riding horses?

Carol, believe me, I have nothing to do with that campaign.

You know how I love horseback riding.

Hi, Mr. Post. Oh, hi, Steve.

I finished passing out your circulars against horseback riding.

Uh, now, look, I mowed the lawn.

You come back and mow it again on Sunday, okay?

Let me see one of those, son.

Don't ride horses.

Remember, horses have parents.

Would you like somebody sitting on your mother?

Wilbur, did you write that?

Of course not. What do you think I am, some kind of nut?

I'm not sure. I'm not a doctor.

Who hired you to distribute these circulars, son?

The horse, right?

Curse, dear.

Wilbur, this is some kind of a joke. I wish you'd stop it.

You're worrying Daddy.

And me, too.

Look, believe me, Carol, this whole thing is just a mistake.

Who gave you these things to hand out, son?

There was this ad in the paper this morning.

It said you could make 50 cents an hour handing these papers out.

And you could find them in Mr. Post's barn.

Carol, Dad, look, I know this looks suspicious,

but believe me, I had nothing to do...

Excuse me, I'm looking for Wilbur Post.

That's me.

Uh, Sam Esterbuck, Valley Gazette.

Oh, what can I do for you?

We spoke on the phone yesterday, remember?

You wanted me to help you publicize your campaign against horseback riding.

Uh, now this is suspicious.

Let's be logical about this.

Why should I, the owner of a horse, be against horseback riding?

That's as silly as a man who has a wife saying he's against marriage.

That is not a good example.

Hey, look, there's some horses picketing the house.

I'll k*ll him.

Uh, I know what you're thinking.

Drew, that last horse is mine.

But the picket line was not my idea.

I did not make those signs. I have an alibi.

I can account for every minute of the day.

You were gone between 12 and 1 o'clock.

Chopping. I was at the stationery store.

Yeah, I bought a compass, I bought some drawing pencils,

I bought a can of paint, a paintbrush, and some cardboard.

But not for the signs.

No, you see, I'm an architect.

I'm an architect.

Oh, you know that I'm an architect, and I use those things in my work.

Don't I?

Of course, dear.

And no matter what happens, remember, I'll stand by you.

My son-in-law is not a well boy.

I'd appreciate your keeping this out of your paper.

I understand, sir.

Uh, how long do these things last with him?

I don't know.

But I'm hopeful we've seen the end of this campaign against riding horses.

That's what he thinks.

I'm gonna spread my message to the world.

Hello? Acme Electronics?

I'd like to order a shortwave radio transmitter.

Hello? Calling Australia, Japan, South America, and any place that has horses.

Listen, world, if you own a horse, set him free.

Get your back off his.

What are you doing now?

Goodbye, world. This is Radio Free Horse signing off.

How did you get a shortwave set?

The American way. On payments.

Ted, listen to me.

Once... Don't you dare turn away when I'm talking to you.

Once and for all, you gotta quit this crazy campaign.

You know they're blaming me for this?

A great mind once said,

some must suffer so that others may walk with their tails held high.

Who said that?

I did.

You have got me into enough trouble with your signs and your circulars

and your phone calls to the newspapers.

And the sky writing.

And the sky writing.

What sky writing?

That sky writing.

Oh, no!

If it wasn't for one thing, I'd give you the licking of your life.

You're bigger.

Uh, you better get in right away, Dad.

Why?

Well, the sun is so strong,

it's liable to barbecue you like a pig on a spit.

Nothing personal, you understand.

Oh.

Uh, let me turn you around so that the sun isn't on your face, okay?

There we go.

After all, a fellow's only got one father-in-law, you know.

Why does it have to be me?

What are you doing there?

I thought I'd lie down for a while.

Oh.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Well, I'm starting to read.

Just lie there, I'll get you in.

Uh, Dad, do you need any help?

No, but I think you do.

Let me help you out, Dad.

Get away.

No, no, here.

Get away!

You might...

Wilbur, I'm telling you...

Hmm.

Who could be calling this hour of the night?

Hello?

Ed!

Hey, where did you disappear to this afternoon?

I've been collecting evidence for my campaign.

What evidence?

Read about it in the morning paper.

In exactly three seconds, he'll come scooting in here.

One, two...

Ed, what have you done now?

Hmm.

He clipped a full second off his record.

Well, what is it?

Sit down, buddy boy.

Don't do that, Ed.

Sit down.

I haven't got time for this.

Sit down.

Don't start anything with me, Ed.

Look, I've had enough of your tricks.

What are you up to now?

My ears.

But it'll be worth all the trouble if I can prove my point to you.

Now sit down.

All right, Ed.

What's on your mind?

Through all of history,

the horse has been the patsy of the animal kingdom.

Somebody once got the bright idea of riding an animal.

So who do they pick on?

Ed, I am sick and tired of hearing about this crazy campaign.

But why, why?

Why does everybody have to ride horseback?

Why can't they ride tigerback or giraffeback or monkeyback?

I'll tell you why, why, why.

It's because other animals will look silly carrying people.

Not true, Wilbur.

And I'm going to prove it to you.

Okay, honey.

Giddyap in.

Honey?

What?

Ed, this I cannot believe.

You really expect people to ride cows?

Why not?

A cow is just a horse with outdoor plumbing.

You know, for a minute I was taking you seriously.

I am serious, Wilbur.

Why don't you hop on her back and gallop her around the bridle path?

You mean ride cowback?

Uh-huh.

Ed, even if people could ride cows, why, you'd never...

All right, Ed.

I think I'll take you up on that.

I think I'll give her a try.

Yeah.

Not bad.

She feels very comfortable.

She... she does?

Yeah.

Oh, sure.

This is much more comfortable than riding a horse.

Well, looks like you've got a new pal here, Bessie.

She's not yours, Wilbur.

She belongs to a farmer down the road.

Oh, I'm sure we can work out some kind of swap.

You know, my horse for his cow.

You look ridiculous sitting on a cow.

Oh, no.

A cow is a very gentle and a very noble animal.

Right, Bessie?

She's stupid.

Besides, her name is Sarah.

I... I think I...

I look kind of dashing riding a cow, don't I?

Yep.

Nobody rides a horse these days.

It's out of his mind.

Right, Dad?

Well...

Oh.

Thanks for the ride, Ed.

My pleasure.

Yeah.

Wilbur.

What is it, Ed?

We horses are better to ride than cows, aren't we?

You sure are.

Well, I guess Carol is still at the airport seeing her father off, huh?

How come you didn't go along with them?

Well, for one thing, they sneaked out while I was still asleep.

Oh, I'm sorry I made you look like a kook to her father,

but I'll square things for you, Wilbur.

Yeah, how?

Well, when he gets home,

call him and tell him you're putting your horse on the phone to explain what happened.

Oh, sure.

Good.

Then we'll put the cow on to give her a version.

Talking cow?

He'll think you're crazy.

Why don't you go in the stall and take your saddle off, huh?

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is a famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

People yakety yak a streak and waste your time a day.

But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse.

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed.

This has been a Filmways presentation.