05x14 - Ed the Sentry

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr.Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

Mr. Red

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa!

What's the matter with you?

Why don't you stop when I yell, whoa?

Sorry, Ober. I must have dozed off.

You shouldn't fall asleep when you're running so fast.

That's dangerous.

No, it isn't.

I have confidence in your driving.

Oh, somebody's in a good mood today, huh?

Yeah, let's play games.

How about some hide-and-seek?

Hide-and-seek?

I'm sorry, Ed, we haven't got time.

Carol's expecting me for lunch.

You know, lately I've been spending more time with you than I have with her.

Naturally.

Who would you rather be with, your wife or your sweet little horsey?

Ed, I love you, but at night, after dinner,

when I'm sitting in front of a roaring fire with Carol at my side,

suddenly a horse becomes man's second best friend.

Oh, fine. So I'm just transportation.

I didn't say that.

Why don't you sell me and buy a cab?

I wonder what could be keeping Wilbur.

He should have been back from his ride over an hour ago.

Maybe he got hungry and he's putting on the feed bag with Mr. Ed.

The way he fusses over him, sometimes I think he prefers Mr. Ed to me.

I know how you feel.

It's hard to fight back when the other woman is a horse.

Oh, don't worry, dear.

I'm sure it must be something important that's keeping Wilbur.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

Ready or not, here I come.

Ah, I'll find you, Ed.

You can't hide from me.

Don't think you can beat me at hide and seek just because you happen to be a horse.

My horse isn't in there.

Ah, the horse isn't under there.

I know.

My horse is hiding up a tree.

No horse up the tree.

I'll find you, Ed.

I can hear your breathing.

He's not in the bushes.

And he's not in a tree.

What's the idea of pulling my horse's tail?

Oh, oh.

I'm sorry, officer.

I thought it was my horse.

What do you want to pull your horse's tail for?

Hide and seek.

Well, I'm...

He was hiding and I was seeking.

Why don't you go home and sleep it off?

Brass buttons, blue coat, can't catch a nanny goat.

Oh, no.

That wasn't me.

No, I...

It was somebody behind that bush over there.

I'd take you in, but I think the squirrels would miss you.

That wasn't funny.

He could have had me put away for a week.

If you told him you were playing games with a horse,

they'd put you away longer than that.

Never a dull moment.

Now, where'd you find the crazy hat?

Behind the bush.

Can I keep it?

Come on, Ed.

What are you going to do with a straw hat?

I'll wear it till it goes out of style.

Then I'll eat it.

Forget it.

Come on.

Let's get out of here.

Come on.

Come on.

I could just k*ll Wilbur.

Look at all of this good food I've got to throw out.

Throw out?

Why?

Well, it'll be dry and tasteless by the time he gets here.

I'll feed it to my husband.

That's the only kind he ever gets.

Better get a bowser bag.

Here he is.

Hello, girls.

Mind if I join you for lunch?

Of course not, Gordon.

Sit down.

I thought you'd never ask.

Oh, this looks delicious.

Now, Winnie, why can't you serve me food like this?

Uh, how's the new project going, dear?

Very slow.

Winnie tells me the Air Force is experimenting with animals

to use at our bases in the jungle.

That's right.

And they called me out of retirement for a little while to help out.

And I thought it was my patriotic duty to cooperate.

The colonel's been on the project only a few days,

and already he's come up with two ideas they've turned down.

Well, it's not easy.

You see, we're trying to find the right animal

to work with our soldiers on sentry duty in the jungle.

We've had to give up on German shepherds.

They can't take the heat.

Have you thought of penguins, dear?

They march beautifully.

Winnie, penguins live at the South Pole.

Well, then they should appreciate going to a place

where they can get warmed up.

Where's Wilbur?

He should have been back over an hour ago.

I guess he's having too much fun with Mr. Ed.

Ed, I am sorry.

I'm not going to have time to give you a rubdown.

Please let me keep my hat.

All right.

You know, I'm two hours late for lunch.

Carol is not going to be happy about this.

Oops.

Psst. Psst.

Yeah, but there's one thing about my wife.

She'll believe anything I tell her.

Sure.

I can always handle her.

Oh, hi there, Carol.

Wilbur.

Getting cool. Let me give you a rubdown.

I do not have a coat.

Maybe it's some kind of allergy.

Yeah, ma'am, maybe it is.

Wilbur, I want to talk to you.

Yeah, well, maybe we'd better talk outside, huh?

Why?

Yeah, well, we wouldn't want to quarrel in front of Ed, would we?

I mean, it might give him a feeling of insecurity, wouldn't it?

I suppose you're wondering why I'm two hours late for lunch.

Well...

That's not it.

Wilbur, there's something very important I must tell you.

I know. You smashed the car up again.

Well, don't worry about it, dear. I'm sure it wasn't your fault.

Wilbur.

I've got the insurance policy in the house.

I'll just call the agent, get the names of the witnesses...

I did not smash the car.

Oh, that's too bad.

That's good, that's good, that's good.

That's one accident the company owes us, right, dear?

Wilbur, I want...

Carol, I told you, I'm sorry I was late for lunch.

Sit.

Yes, ma'am.

Wilbur, the truth.

If you were on a desert with Mr. Ed and me,

and there was just enough water for two of us,

who would get the water?

You and Ed, of course.

If there was just enough water for one of us,

who would get it?

Well...

Why is it taking you so long to answer?

You, you'd get the water, naturally.

Well, that's better.

Unless you'd care to give yours to Ed.

Well, I mean, I gave my water to you.

Be honest.

You'd give all of the water to Mr. Ed, wouldn't you?

Oh, that would be ridiculous.

I'd only have one choice, of course.

Of course.

Who?

Who?

While you're choosing between us,

I could be fainting on that desert.

Well, so could Ed fainting.

He'd be a lot heavier to drag back into town.

Oh, Carol!

Well, can't you take a little ribbing?

I was only teasing you, dear.

You're my wife, I love you.

Why, you'd be first in my thought.

You know that.

If she wants w*r, she'll get it.

I'm gonna miss her around here.

Ed.

Why did you throw my wife's picture in the wastebasket?

Why'd you give her my water on the desert?

Oh, you've been eavesdropping, huh?

Enough to find out where I stand with you.

You wife-lover.

Ed.

There's nothing wrong with a man loving his wife.

Choose between us, Wilbur.

Your horse or your wife.

You don't give me much choice.

Thank you, Wilbur.

Wives are a dime a dozen.

But where are you gonna find another talking horse?

I don't want any jealousy in my family.

And will you take off that silly hat?

Oh.

Hey, Wilbur, come out and take a look.

We'll finish this discussion later.

I can hardly wait.

Where'd you get the cute little chimp?

They're testing him over at Air Force Intelligence.

What a clever idea,

using monkeys in the jungle to help out on sentry duties.

Did you teach him how to ride the bicycle?

Oh, no, no.

It's your bicycle, that's why I wondered.

Some sentry.

Oh, we sell the password for a banana.

Oh, don't knock, these little fellas.

Amongst animals, these monkeys are the most dangerous.

The chimp is supposed to be the most intelligent.

Oh, I don't know.

Horses are pretty smart, too.

Like, you take Ed.

Oh, don't be foolish.

Everybody knows the horse is the most stupid animal there is.

Particularly yours.

I'm surprised at you insulting Mr. Ed in front of Wilbur.

Well, it's true.

Well, never mind.

You should never say things to people's faces

you should say behind their backs.

That's right.

Sometimes you shouldn't even say behind people's faces.

What did you say?

Hey, stop with that water.

No, no, put down that bucket.

No, no, put down that bucket.

I told you they're smart.

That chimp made a monkey out of your horse.

Looks like Ed made a chimp out of your chimp.

Come, Winnie, let's go home.

First you pick your wife over your horse,

then you let your neighbor call me stupid.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of the hay.

Ed, you're too sensitive.

We know a horse is more intelligent.

Calling us stupid.

I'd make just as good a sentry as that monkey any time.

Better.

You could say, halt, who goes there?

Here, honey.

This'll hold you till dinner.

Thanks, Carol.

If there's anything else you want, honey.

Why does Ed still have that silly hat?

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah-choo!

Gesundheit.

Thank you.

Ah-choo!

Carol, you're catching a cold.

Oh, honey, don't worry about me.

It's not you, it's Ed.

What?

He catches things very easily.

So do I.

Ah-choo!

You know, the last few times I've come in here,

I've started sneezing.

Yeah?

Well, like I said, you're catching a cold, maybe.

Or an allergy.

Allergy, maybe so. But to what?

Who knows? Maybe to horses.

Ah-choo!

Ah-choo!

Ah-choo!

Don't believe her, Wilbur. It's a trick.

I don't have one allergy bug on me.

No. Every time she comes in here, she starts sneezing.

What am I gonna do?

This is a showdown, Wilbur.

You gotta choose between me and Sneezy.

This is ridiculous.

Vacuuming a horse.

Ed, something is making Carol sneeze.

I want to make sure there isn't a speck of dust or pollen on you.

Say, I, uh...

I feel a little drafty in back.

That thing didn't suck in my tail, did it?

Oh, stop complaining.

Carol has developed an allergy to you.

We've got to remove the cause.

Are you going to sell me, Wilbur?

Not if I can help it.

Hey! What are you spraying me with?

Antiseptic. It'll k*ll anything.

Even horses?

Perfectly safe. You've got nothing to worry about.

Wilbur, is it all right for me to come in now?

Yeah, Carol, it's safe. Come on in.

She's clean.

What did you do to him?

I've sprayed him, I've scoured him, I've cleaned him.

I've done everything but pluck him.

You've got nothing to worry about.

Oh, I'm so glad.

I don't want you to sell Ed.

I know how you feel about him.

I'd never want to be the cause...

Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah!

He's in height and we're in trouble again.

Oh, yes, please.

Ah! Ah!

Carol.

Wilbur.

Huh?

Put the dust back on me. That wasn't it.

Carol. Carol.

Yes?

What do we do now?

Sell him?

Oh, no, honey.

I'd never ask you to do that.

Look.

I'll keep away from the barn,

and, well, you try to keep Ed away from the house.

No problem.

We'll work things out, honey. Come on.

She's a good kid.

Maybe Wilbur ought to get rid of me.

The trouble is, I'm too lovable.

I'll have to make him hate me.

Hey, would you cut it out?

You know I've got to get these plans finished by 5 o'clock tonight.

You have to be so noisy.

I'm just practicing martial music

for when I do sentry duty in the jungle.

You're not going to be doing sentry duty anywhere.

Now be quiet and let me work.

Hello, operator.

Can you tell me what time it is in Africa?

Never mind operator.

The natives are restless.

Ed, what am I going to do with you?

Let me take those intelligence tests

at the Air Force.

Ed, will you cut that out?

They will not accept a horse for sentry duty in the jungle.

They're testing monkeys.

But horses are more intelligent.

When someone's smart,

they say he has good horse sense,

not chimp sense.

No.

I'm not sending you to test for overseas duty.

Please, Wilbur.

I want the world to know how smart us horses are.

Please.

Well, all right, Ed,

if that's what you really want.

It is, Wilbur.

I want to serve my country.

For beautiful,

for spacious skies,

for amber waves of grain,

for purple mountains majesty.

Excuse me, Major,

but we're just wasting our time

testing a horse.

They don't have any brains.

His owner said he had almost human intelligence.

They're stupid.

I mean, they're first cousins

to the jackass, you know.

Well, we better check him out.

Will you find my notebook?

Oh, sure, Major.

Last time I saw it, it was over here.

Over here someplace.

The...

Gee, did you see that?

He seemed to understand what I said.

Boy, it's some kind of a trick.

His owner must have taught him a few commands.

Giddyap, whoa, jump.

Find my notebook.

Let's test his hearing.

Wheel over the audiometer.

Yes, sir.

Good.

You still think he's stupid, Hagen?

Stupid?

He's taking my job away.

See, I still don't believe it.

I think I'll call a general.

I think my job's a little shaky, too.

Poor Wilbur.

He really misses Mr. Ed.

Well, frankly, so do I.

I guess animals do grow on you,

just like husbands.

Thanks, Winnie.

Don't worry.

Wilbur will get his horse back

just as soon as the Air Force finds out

how stupid he is.

Gordon, you think that's patriotic,

making fun of a horse who volunteered

for overseas duty?

Your horse volunteered?

Well, he didn't get

greetings from the president.

Now, if you will excuse me, Gordon.

Carol,

Ed left his favorite hat here.

I'm going to take it down to him.

Achoo!

She sneezed.

And Mr. Ed isn't even here.

Wouldn't it be something

if it turns out Carol is really

allergic to you?

Gordon, you listen to me.

Achoo!

Wait a minute.

Achoo!

It's a hat.

This beat-up old ragweed hat

that he picked up in the park.

Where are you going?

I'm going to get Ed.

I didn't raise my horse to be a soldier.

Ole!

Kind of a dirty trick, isn't it?

I mean, putting pepper in those apples.

It's the general's idea.

It's to test the horse's ability to remember.

When he gets fooled by one of these peppered apples,

if he's really smart,

he'll only go for the carrots.

All right, Hankin, bring him over.

Yes, sir.

All right, fella. Come on, let's see how smart you are.

Come on.

All right, hearty appetite.

I think we found a new sentry.

Are you kidding?

I think we found a new general.

Uh, how do you do?

Major, sir, I've come to take my horse back.

Back? Why?

Well, there was a mistake, sir.

You see, we thought he was causing an allergy,

but it was this old straw hat.

So now that it's out,

he's in,

so I'm going to take him back, sir.

I think, sir,

he says his horse has an allergy.

Yeah, that's it, sir.

He'd be no good in the jungle.

He'd be allergic to leaves and grass and everything.

Well, I'll show you.

Have you got any... Oh, here.

See?

Well, we can forget the horse.

Where's the chimp?

In the next room, still washing the pepper out of his mouth.

Gee, Wilbur,

you mean Carol's not allergic to me?

No, Ed, it was this hat that you found in the park.

Oh-h*-h*-h*!

From now on,

I'm not picking up anything in the park.

Not anything?

Well, that doesn't go for fillies.

No, no, no.

Isn't it wonderful to have Mr. Ed back?

You know, I really missed him.

Me, too.

After all, what's a marriage without a horse?

What?

A wife, a wife.

You should have known it would be like this

when you took Mr. Ed along on our honeymoon.

I'll get lunch.

Okay.

Mmm.

I love you.

Well, uh, Carol.

Wilbur.

What is it?

She's not a bad sort.

But one thing has always bothered me.

Oh, what's that?

Why did we have to take her along on our honeymoon?

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course,

unless the horse is a famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's a famous Mr. Ed.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

People yackety-yack a streak

and waste your time a day.

But Mr. Ed will never speak

unless he has something to say.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse.

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed.

This has been a Filmways presentation.