05x15 - Ed's Diction Teacher

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

To be or not to be, that is the question.

Whether tis nobler in the mind

To suffer the slings and arrows

Of outrageous fortune

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles

And by opposing end them.

Bravo! Bravo!

Bravo!

Bravo!

You know, Hamlet, if we could dig up a filly to play Ophelia,

we could start selling tickets.

Yeah, I could call my little company

the Barnyard Players.

Oh, Ed, I'm proud of you.

Not only do you talk, but you talk beautifully.

Heck, Wilbur, even a chicken would sound good reading Shakespeare.

Oh, you're a natural, Ed.

And with those four legs,

why, you could play Romeo and Juliet at the same time.

Wilbur, let's do our famous balcony scene, huh?

Oh, not again.

Please?

Okay, which one of us is gonna play Juliet this time?

You, of course.

What balcony can hold a horse?

True, true.

Get up on your balcony, Juliet,

and hear the dulcet tones of a long-tailed Richard Burton.

Okay, Romeo.

Things I do for you, Ed.

Ahem.

Very nice, Wilbur.

I just don't get carried away by my beauty

and climb up here on the balcony.

Start fair, Juliet.

Romeo! Romeo!

Look soft.

What light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

Deny thy father and refuse thy name,

or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,

and I'll no longer be a Capulet.

Thou know'st the dark of night is on my face,

else would a maid's blush be paint by cheek.

Oh, dost thou love me?

I would.

Oh, hi.

Hi, Gordon.

I'm just, uh, just doing a little Shakespeare here.

Why?

Why? Oh, I just, uh, just, you know,

fooling around with Ed, he gets a kick out of it.

Oh, is that Mr. Ed again?

Wilbur, you are incredible.

You play with this animal like he was human.

There we go with that prejudice again.

Gordon, are animals so different from humans?

I mean, don't they, don't they feel and see and hear

and think like humans?

Think, Gordon, think.

In some other world, maybe people will be in cages

and animals will be throwing us peanuts.

Well, I think you've earned a cage in this world.

Wilbur, why don't you sell this silly old plug

while you've still got some of your marbles?

Mm-hmm.

There. Did you, did you see what he did?

Well, you shouldn't have called him an old plug.

Well, how did he know I called him an old plug?

Well, if he didn't, why would he shove you across the room?

I don't know.

There's something creepy about that horse.

He makes me nervous.

If you don't get rid of him someday, I think I will.

Gordon, did you ask Wilbur to take us to the carnival?

No.

Why not, Colonel?

Go ask Juliet yourself.

Wilbur.

Oh, hi.

What did Gordon mean about that Juliet remark?

Oh, well, you know, Gordon, he's always kidding around, you know.

Say, do you two girls still want to go to the carnival tonight?

We asked Gordon to take us,

but he said he was going to be too busy around the house.

The Colonel used to adore carnivals.

You know, he proposed to me in the Tunnel of Love.

No kidding.

Well, you'd think he'd be glad to go back,

if only for sentimental reasons.

Maybe he doesn't want to return to the scene of the crime.

Honey, would you take us?

Well...

No.

No, no, I mean, I'd be happy to.

Sure.

Oh, thank you.

Thanks, honey.

If you want to, we can take my car.

I don't mind driving.

Oh, no, thanks.

I'd like to wait till I get to the carnival

before I go on the roller coaster.

See you later.

Wilbur, didn't you see me shake my head no?

I am not going to have my horse tell me when I can go out.

Then take me along to the carnival.

Nobody will notice me.

I'll stand real still on the merry-go-round.

You'll probably get a backache going up and down.

I'm afraid to be left alone with the Colonel.

He's sore at me.

No wonder.

You nearly knocked him through the wall.

You know, if you ever hit a Colonel in the Army,

you'd be shot.

Woe is me.

I'm a dead horse.

Don't worry.

He won't bother you.

I'll see you before I leave.

That Colonel's not going to hurt me.

I can yell help in 12 different languages.

Hey, what are you doing now?

Sending a sealed letter to the District Attorney.

Let's see.

Dear Mr. D.A.,

A neighbor of mine hates my horse

who happens to be a very lovable animal.

If this horse should be missing one day,

kindly hang Gordon Kirkwood.

Yours truly, Wilbur Pote.

I'm surprised at you.

Only a stupid horse would send a letter like that.

Or a scared one.

Are you still taking the girls to the carnival?

That's right.

And you're leaving me alone with a mad Colonel?

You're talking like a silly little pony.

Gordon Kirkwood does not hate you.

Deep down...

That's where he wants me.

Deep down.

About six feet.

You're a bundle of nerves today.

Why don't you go for a little gallop in the park, huh?

Alone?

Sure.

No, thanks.

I'd be arrested for riding without a driver.

Well, I'll see you later, fellow.

I always wanted to go to college.

So if anything happens to me,

send my brain to Harvard.

Okay.

And it'll probably make the chess team.

Hi, Gordon.

Oh, Wilbur, I've got some garden work to do.

Mind if I borrow your tools?

Sure.

As long as I can borrow them back when I need them.

Okay.

Oh, Gordon.

Look, do me a favor, would you?

Ed has the feeling you don't like him.

So when you go in there, would you...

Would you just pet him a little?

Oh, I've got a better idea.

I'll take him to the carnival,

and we can go through the tunnel of love together.

He'd like that.

Uh-oh.

Wonder what he's up to.

Oh.

He's going to spray me out of this world.

What a way for a noble beast to go.

Like a bug.

First he's spraying me,

then he's chopping my head off.

What a daily double.

Let's see.

I'll need about a 12-foot piece of rope

to go over that high branch.

And after that, he's going to hang me.

Oh, my God.

Try your skill.

You get three dots for 25 cents.

You print a balloon,

and you take home a beautiful prize.

Come right over.

Let's see how good a marksman you are.

Three dots for a quarter, everybody.

Step right over here and take home a beautiful prize.

All you have to do is break a balloon.

Come right over.

Hey, mister.

How about taking home some prizes for the ladies?

Oh, Carol.

Look at the cute toy horse.

It would look adorable on my bed.

Break a balloon, mister,

and the little lady takes the horse home.

What do you say?

Honey, are you good at throwing darts?

You kidding?

I don't want to boast, but...

Well, uh, three for a quarter.

Take a chance.

Yeah, yeah, all right.

That horse there, huh?

Well, here's a quarter.

Uh, you keep those two.

I think this should do it.

Ah.

Uh, would you mind holding my hot dog?

Thank you very much.

Wilbur, which balloon are you aiming at?

Oh, aiming for...

Well, uh, yes, let's be sporting about this.

I'll, uh, I'll take that little one down there in the corner.

Huh?

Well, these feathers seem a little loose.

Maybe it's the molting season.

Well, step back, girls,

and, uh, Winnie, that horse is as good as yours.

I'll bet that's the first hot dog ever shot into space.

Beautiful marksmanship, honey.

You never even touched the mustard.

I figured that feather was a little off-center.

Better let me have another dart.

If you buy a dozen, I'll give you a special rate.

No, no, thanks.

This, uh, this one should do the job.

Uh, just a moment.

I have a wife and three children.

Don't you worry.

Just you watch that balloon pop.

Pssh!

Wilbur, maybe you better let Winnie buy a toy horse

before he makes a pincushion out of it.

The trouble with me is I've been aiming too carefully.

Oh!

Boy, that must have been something.

The very last dart broke a balloon, huh?

Yes, thanks for letting me throw it, Wilbur.

Oh, it's all right.

I'm glad you won it, Winnie.

Oh, Winnie, there's a loose string here.

Oh, I'll get it. I'll get it.

Oh, yeah.

See, what happens is they just didn't pull all the threads off.

They make them in a hurry.

All right, tear it off, Wilbur.

Yeah, I will. Here we go.

Oh!

Oh, my poor little horse.

You never did want her to have it, did you, Wilbur?

No, no, it's just... No, there's no harm done.

Why, you get all this stuffing shoved back in

and just sew it up, and then when the stitches heal,

she'll be as good as new.

I'll take care of it.

There we go.

Just pack it in tight.

Ooh!

Gordon, what can I say?

You might try goodbye.

It's not say goodbye, Gordon. It's...

Auf Wiedersehen.

Au revoir.

Riverdurchie. Hasta la vista.

Well, goodbye ought to do it.

Think I'll check up on k*ller Kirkwood,

find out what he's up to.

Winnie, there's only one thing to do.

I'll have that horse stuffed.

Stuffed?

And I still can't understand you.

Now, what are you trying to say?

Gotta we pwn the police?

Pwn the police?

What's the matter with you? You've forgotten how to talk?

In have I deed.

In have I deed?

In have I deed?

Ed, you're talking backwards and sideways.

Oh, I was afraid this would happen.

I've got a talking horse that's forgotten how to talk.

Let me see.

Oh, still... Open.

Now, come on, Ed.

Now, try to speak straight.

Now, you can do it. Now, tell me what happened.

Horse the stuff.

Horse the stuff.

Horse the stuff?

What are you talking about?

Colonel Workwood. Wood... Woodkirk.

Colonel Kirkwood. See, you're talking backwards.

I am Rubwill.

That's right. It's not Rubwill. It's Willrub.

Wilbur.

Wilbur.

Now, come on, Ed. Now, calm down. Calm down.

And try to tell me exactly what happened.

Now, Ed, did that colonel frighten you?

Yes, Willrub.

What do you mean I put your horse in shock?

Gordon, I warn you, if my horse loses his power of...

If he forgets how to... If he can't express...

Wilbur, you're not making sense.

Neither does he.

Neither does who?

You know who Colonel Wood... Wood... Wood...

Look, you got sore because I tore Winnie's little horse apart,

and then you went over there and you scared my horse.

Oh, stop being so childish, Wilbur.

My name is Willrub. Rub... Rub...

Will stop me doing it now.

I don't know what you're talking about,

but I'm sorry if I lost my temper before,

and if it'll make you feel any better,

I'm having that little horse stuffed.

Yeah, well, it's about...

Wait. Stuff the horse?

Horse the stuff. That's it.

He must have overheard you, and he thinks you mean him.

Who thinks I mean him?

He's not a well boy.

I must never shout at him.

You've got to snap out of this.

Look, Gordon was not talking about stuffing you.

It was a little toy horse that Winnie got at the carnival.

Do you understand?

Indeed, I didn't.

Indeed.

Ed, you have got to believe me.

The way you're slipping now,

pretty soon you'll stop talking altogether.

And then how will I know what you're thinking?

Signal, smoke, lip read, charades.

Ed, we have got to fight this thing.

Ed, I'll have you reciting Shakespeare

if I have to enroll you in a speech clinic.

Come on in here.

I certainly appreciate your coming down like this

for the lesson, Mr. Pettigrew.

Like I said, it's an emergency.

You say he suffered a shock

and is unable to speak coherently.

Yes, he talks backwards, sideways, in circles.

Won't you sit down?

Thank you. Where is the pupil?

He's on the other side of that screen.

Well, as I said, after the shock,

he's unable to face people.

You can teach him from here.

Teach through a screen?

Why not?

People smoke through a filter.

Yeah, uh, uh, Ed?

Ed, won't you say hello to Professor Pettigrew?

Hello, Fro-Passer-Groody-Pag.

Yeah, you see?

See how mixed up his speech is?

Hmm. How old is he?

Eight.

Only eight? Sounds much older.

Well, he's big for his age.

His voice sounds very low.

Is he a little hoarse?

Hey, Pete!

Uh, no. No, he didn't.

I, uh, think he's ready for his lesson now.

All right, Edward.

Now, kindly repeat after me.

How now, brown cow?

How, how, brown now?

No.

No.

Well, he got that right.

Would you mind waiting outside?

Well, I think he'd feel a lot better if I was around.

Please.

Okay.

Uh, promise me you won't peek behind the screen.

Why?

Bad enough one of you's in shock.

What I mean is, he's become very shy.

All right, Mr. Post, I promise.

Now, would you leave me with my pupil?

Certainly.

Don't look behind the screen.

Promise.

He won't look behind the screen.

Now, then, young man, try this.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

Peter Piker picked a peck of...

Pecked a pipe...

How, how, brown now?

No.

Professor Pettigrew.

What is this, Mr. Post, some sort of prank?

No.

You're a ventriloquist, aren't you?

No.

But somebody talked here, and it wasn't the horse.

Oh, it wasn't?

Who was that?

Oh, that was just some fella who, uh...

Hey, I see you got Winnie's toy fixed up, huh?

Oh, yeah.

I wanted you to see what a good job they did fixing it.

Oh, that's swell.

Look, Gordon, I insist on paying for this.

Oh, but so do I.

Oh, well, I...

Ooh.

Well, the main thing is that we realize

that this is the horse you wanted to get stuffed,

that toy horse, right?

Of course, but what are you yelling for?

Well, you knew it, and I knew it,

but maybe there were others who didn't know it.

But they do now.

What others?

Oh, Gordon, he likes you.

That's nice.

You don't hate him, do you, Gordon?

No, I don't hate him. I don't hate anyone.

You'd never do anything to hurt Ed, would you?

Of course not.

My mother raised me a devout coward.

I'd never find anyone who outweighs me.

Well, I'll see you later, Wilbur.

See you, Gordon.

You know, old Fuzzy Lip's not so bad

when you get to know him.

Ed, you're cured. You talked straight.

No kidding, Rubble.

Just pulling your leg, buddy boy.

I shall now do Benjamin Franklin.

Ahem.

Freedom of speech is the right of every man.

As far as by it he does not hurt

and control the right of another.

Well said, Mr. Franklin.

Thank you, Citizen Poe.

Ed, it's swell to hear you talking straight again.

You're proud of the way I talk, huh, Wilbur?

Believe me, if I were a horse, I wouldn't want to talk any better.

Thank you, Wilbur.

I can't get over it.

You really believe that Gordon wanted to ship you off to a taxidermist?

Yeah. Now I know how an olive feels

just before it gets stuffed.

I shall now do Benjamin Franklin.

Good.

Freedom of speech is the right of every man.

As far as by it he does not hurt

and control the right of another.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course,

and no one can talk to a horse, of course, that is, of course,

unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

People yackety-yack a streak and waste your time a day,

but Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course,

and this one will talk to his voice, his horse.

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed.

This has been a Filmways presentation.