05x23 - Robin Hood Ed

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

Ed, do you have to make such a racket when you eat?

Sorry, Wilbur. I got a noisy apple.

Why don't you eat a banana?

Because I'm a horse, not a monkey.

Can't stop bugging me.

Ed, I am submitting a letter to Mr. Red.

I'm submitting these house plans to a big motion picture producer.

Now, I'll never get the bid if you keep distracting me.

Are you implying your horse eats like a pig?

You said it. I didn't.

I'm going home to my mother.

Ed, look. No, wait a minute.

Don't be so sensitive.

I was only trying to teach you a little etiquette.

Let's see you eat an apple without making noise.

All right. All right.

Somebody has to teach you.

All right.

The apple, my mouth.

Observe. No noise.

Oh, come on.

Let's see you take a big bite.

Ed, there is absolutely no difference.

If you eat properly, you just don't make any noise.

Observe this.

Holy smoke.

I'll bet that jarred the seismograph at Caltech.

Ed, at least I hope you've learned something.

Oh, I have.

What?

That you eat like a horse.

And don't eat all those apples.

Wilbur.

Yes, dear?

There's a news story here about that movie producer.

The one that you want to design a house for.

Oh, Mr. Ransohoff. What does it say?

Well, he's making a movie called

The Merry Men of Sherwood Forest.

And he's looking for a new face.

Someone different to play Robin Hood.

Someone different, huh?

How about Kim Novak?

Boy, there's a leader who would keep any group of men merry.

Wilbur, according to this story,

Mr. Ransohoff likes to find his own stars.

Oh, honey, why couldn't you do it?

Do what?

Play Robin Hood.

Me? Ridiculous.

Oh, I don't think so.

In your senior year of college,

you starred in Hamlet,

and the reviews said that you took seven bows.

Oh, I had to.

See, the elastic broke,

and I was trying to keep my tights up.

Wilbur, I mean it.

Well, you have the looks,

the ability, the personality.

And you have an in.

You know Mr. Ransohoff.

Oh, stop it, Carol.

It's too late for me to become a Carrie,

a Tab, or a Rock.

I don't think so.

I think you're a combination of all of them.

I'm a Carrie, Tab, or Rock?

Forget about it, honey.

I'll be over at Winnie's.

She wants to show me her new living alternative.

Okay.

Oh, I warn you, Wilbur,

I'm gonna keep nagging you

until you try out for that Robin Hood part.

Robin Hood?

That's ridiculous.

Oh, no.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha.

Ha, ha.

Ha, ha.

Ha, ha.

Ha, ha.

Ha, ha.

Ha, ha.

Hello there, you Sheriff of Nottingham.

Lest I loose this arrow,

twixt thy ribs.

Oh, brother.

Ed, if I were interested,

I'd make a pretty good Robin Hood.

You must admit, I...

I have the figure for it.

Robin Hoods or Little Red Riding Hoods?

All joking aside,

if I ever did return to acting,

that is one character I would love to play.

Why?

Because he could eat an apple without making noise?

No, because he was such a wonderful guy,

I mean, all heart.

He used to steal from the rich,

and you know why?

Because the poor didn't have any money.

That's a bit...

I'd like to help the less fortunate,

because...

because, well, he was Robin Hood.

Well, he was robbing somebody.

Wilbur, Robin Hood lived in a forest, didn't he?

That's right.

Then how do we know he wasn't a horse?

Robin Hood a horse?

Why not?

Who lives in a forest?

People or animals?

Okay, Ed.

Robin Hood was a horse,

the Sheriff was a chipmunk,

and you are for the squirrels.

I think I'll become a Robin Hood

and dedicate my life to helping the poor.

Only it's going to be rough

finding them in this fancy neighborhood.

The peasant cried as he said to Robin Hood,

I have kept my word, Robin,

and brought back the money thou didst lend me.

Gee, that Robin Hood was a one-man finance company.

Yes, sir.

I'm going to be the world's first four-legged Robin Hood.

I'm going to take from the rich and give to the poor,

and it won't be easy.

After taxes, who can tell the difference?

Still fuzzing with the new furniture, huh?

Oh, Colonel, I just love it.

I'll bet it cost you a small fortune.

No, a large fortune.

But what's the use of having money

if you haven't got a wife to spend it for you?

What a break.

My first day in the Robin Hood business

and I found me a rich pigeon.

Somebody up there must like me.

Poor Carol, her eyes almost popped

when she saw our gorgeous new set

and this beautiful new vacuum cleaner.

Winnie, I hope you didn't gloat.

Oh, no, Carol is my dearest friend.

You know what I told her when she wished me luck?

No, what?

I said, Carol, if Wilbur ever has any important clients

he wants to impress,

feel free to bring them over here.

Well, that is a perfect way to k*ll a beautiful friendship.

Don't say that, Colonel.

Carol was so touched there was a tear in her eye.

You're lucky there wasn't a knife in her hand.

Carol, what are you doing?

Cutting out another article about Marty Ransahoff.

That motion picture producer.

He still hasn't found an unknown to play Robin Hood.

What's the difference?

In long green underwear, all men look alike.

Wilbur, he's going to pick someone for the part.

It might as well be you.

What's wrong with becoming a star?

It just doesn't work out, that's all.

I mean, I might win an Oscar

and then the first thing you know,

Gina and Liz are arguing over who plays opposite me

and then you'll get jealous

and it'll be the court settlement

and you'll wind up with a house

and I'll wind up with a horse.

And he'd be getting the best of the deal.

Those top actors make a lot of money.

It would be nice to be able to buy whatever you want.

Like, say, new living room furniture.

I was wondering when you were going to get around to the commercial.

If you buy me some new furniture.

Look, let's be fair.

I mean, nobody wants the furniture any more than I do,

but business hasn't been too good lately.

And when the money isn't coming in,

we just have to tighten our belts

or our girdles, as the case may be.

Poor Wilbur.

I never realized every oat he feeds me

is coming out of his own mouth.

I'm trying to save money.

I'm using the same golf clubs that I bought when I was in college.

I'm sorry, honey.

I'll be patient.

There's no hurry about that living room furniture.

And I'll even wait for my new vacuum cleaner.

What new vacuum...

cleaner?

She won't have to wait.

The Robin Hood anti-poverty program is about to begin.

What a break.

I found a rich family and a poor family

and never even had to leave the block.

Let's see.

Mustn't leave any footprints.

These sneakers will throw the cops off the trail.

They'll think they're looking for two basketball players.

Carol can use Winnie's new vacuum.

Wilbur can use the colonel's new golf clubs.

And I can use a rest.

Such a beautiful morning. I think I'll play some golf.

Wilbur, did you borrow Winnie's new vacuum cleaner?

Me? Of course not.

Are you sure?

Well, sure.

I mean, if I was gonna surprise you and clean the house,

I'd use our vacuum cleaner.

It distributes the dirt nice and evenly.

These are Gordon's new golf clubs.

I don't remember borrowing these.

How did they get in the closet?

I don't know.

Well, congratulations.

I see you finally bought yourself some decent clubs.

Uh, Gordon.

It's about time you got rid of those broken-down old broomsticks

you've been dragging around.

Oh, Carol, you got a new vacuum.

You know, it used to break my heart

watching that sickly old antique of yours

wheezing around the room.

These clubs look familiar.

They're mine.

What are they doing here?

Well, I thought you gave them to me as a gift.

I found them in my closet.

In your closet?

Carol, this is my vacuum cleaner.

How did it get here?

That's what I was just asking Wilbur.

In the future, if you wish to borrow my new clubs,

ask me.

Of course, I'll say no, but you can ask.

Come with me.

I'm sorry, Carol.

It must have been a mistake.

Thanks for dropping by, neighbors.

Wilbur, I just don't understand it.

How did those things get into our house?

I don't know.

I just wish I could get you all those lovely things

that Gordon is buying for Winnie.

It would be nice.

Wilbur.

I'm sorry I bothered you about trying out

for that Robin Hood part.

I guess I'm just an old nag.

If you weren't, I'd still be a bachelor.

I guess every wife likes to think of her husband

as being a great Robin Hood.

Well, I do have the legs for it.

You don't have too much experience.

Oh.

In college, they said I was a natural.

And I just couldn't bear to see the look in your eyes

if they turned you down because you were too amateurish.

Oh, I wouldn't be too sure of that, dear.

In fact, I think I'm going to do it.

I think I'm going to convince Mr. Ransahoff

that I am the new face he's been looking for.

Well, if you don't think the movie cameras

would make you too nervous.

Movie cameras?

You know, all those lights

and all those people watching you.

Oh, you don't know your husband too well, do you?

There's nothing can make me nervous.

Ha!

Oh, that's yours.

Movie cameras.

Uh, what you got there, Wilbur?

I, uh, I rented a Robin Hood outfit.

Oh, you shouldn't have done it, Wilbur.

I look awful in green.

It's for me, you big clown.

Look, you go get yourself saddled up, huh?

What for?

Well, I'm going to go all out to convince Mr. Ransahoff

that I am the ideal Robin Hood for his new picture.

And I want you to help me make a screen test.

Well, okay.

But if I get in trouble with the Director's Guild,

you pay the fine.

Yeah.

Okay, ready to roll.

All right.

Camera.

Action!

Stand back, you varlets.

It's I, Robin Hood, ready to rescue

young peasant with my trusty bow and arrow.

Cut! The camera's over here.

Oh!

Stand back, varlets, for I am Robin Hood.

And I have come to rescue young peasant

with my trusty bow and arrow.

Come on, get with it, baby.

This picture will cost a fortune,

and we're over budget now.

Sorry, Ed. It was an accident.

I'll do it right next time.

I hope so.

I wonder if Arthur Rubin has all his trouble.

Okay, baby, let's go.

Yeah.

And we're wasting a lot of time.

Okay.

All right, action!

Ah! Stand back, you varlets.

I have come to rescue yonder peasant

with my trusty bow and arrow.

Cut!

Prepare to meet thy end, Sheriff of Nottingham.

Hey, Robin Redbreast.

The name is Robin Hood.

It's Robin Redbreast.

Your acting's for the birds.

I'll get one more word out of you

when I walk off this picture.

Yeah, you do,

and no horse in the country will ever direct you again.

I don't want you to direct me.

Just run the camera.

All I need is enough film to show Mr. Anselhoff

that I can be Robin Hood.

Okay, sweetheart.

No hard feelings, huh?

The picture's the thing, right, Robin, baby?

Right, right.

Shall we start from the beginning?

Yeah, take it from the top.

Wait!

You're never gonna knock the sheriff off

with that busted bow.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you're right.

Well, you got any ideas?

Well, you could take off your hat

and whip him to death with a feather.

Never mind that.

I'll use my sword.

You just keep this camera going.

Check, baby.

I haven't got the heart to tell him

we ran out of film ten minutes ago.

Say when, chief.

Ready to roll.

Hold it down, you squirrels and chipmunks.

Okay, roll.

Stand back, you varlets.

Come on, come on, you merry men of Sherwood Forest.

Prior Turk, Little John, Alan the Dale.

Ha!

Stand back, my good man,

or I shall beast thy hand with this cudgel.

Whoa, watch it.

In battle with the one or the other,

has crushed his foe to the earth.

Take that, varlet, and that.

Uh-oh.

Oh, no, no.

The battle is not yet over.

By the saints, thou art a lusty fool.

You will pay for this insolence.

I shall crush thy head in twain.

Little John, Prior Turk, where are you?

Hi, hi there.

Did you run away from your nanny, little boy?

Oh, no, officer.

I, uh...

Well, it's a beautiful day for this time of year, isn't it?

Who are you?

Robin Post.

Uh, Wilbur, Wilbur Post.

You live here in the park?

No, no, of course not.

Oh, I suppose you visit your friends here,

Prior Turk and Little John.

Officer, you don't understand.

Oh, I understand, Robin.

Now, why don't you come along with me?

I'm the sheriff of Nottingham.

Just a minute, officer, please.

You see, we're sh**ting a test film for a motion picture.

The camera is right over there.

We?

Well, my horse must have run off with the camera.

Your horse was running the camera?

Yeah, it's a trick that I taught him.

And I suppose he was directing, too.

You heard him?

Let's go, Robin.

We mustn't keep the king waiting.

What are you doing? Taking a bow?

No, the elastic broke again.

Just like when I was Hamlet.

Come on, let's go.

Just a minute.

Good. The Kirkwoods are going shopping

and Carol is going with them,

which leaves me free to rich up the poor and poor up the rich.

If they ever wind up even, I'm out of business.

It must have cost you a small fortune, all that furniture.

No, a large fortune.

But what's the use of having money

if you haven't got a wife to spend it for you?

You already said that, Colonel.

Come on, Carol, come in just for a minute.

Oh, Colonel!

You've been robbed!

Well, they won't get far. I'll phone the police.

The phone! Where's the phone?

Don't tell me they took the phone, too.

Colonel, you call the phone company right away.

I don't want those crooks running up big bills on our telephone.

Now relax, dear. We mustn't panic.

We'll call the police on Carol's phone.

What happened?

Pepper!

Look, Carol, I know you wanted new furniture, but this is ridiculous.

Now, Winnie, this is all our...

I don't mind you borrowing my furniture,

but I wish you'd ask me first.

But I didn't!

Wilbur, how did this happen?

Don't look at me.

Look, if this is some kind of practical joke,

only a nut could have dreamt it up.

Wilbur, where you been all afternoon?

Downtown with the city psychiatrist.

How long have I been in solitary, Warden?

About an hour.

And how long before I'm eligible for parole?

With good behavior, about ten years.

Operator, get me the SPCA.

There's a horse being held prisoner by brute force.

Ed, haven't you caused me enough trouble?

The Kirkwoods are sore of me.

I had to promise Carol I'd be back in a few days.

and I have to report to the city psychiatrist once a month.

I only wanted to help you, and Carol,

I thought you were poor.

We're not poor,

and it's not right to take things from anybody.

True pleasure in life, Ed, comes from giving.

But how can you give unless you take first?

You are not supposed to take.

You have to work hard and earn something

before you can give it away.

Well, if I have to work hard,

you'd have to take it away from me with a g*n.

Good night, Ed.

Oh, Wilbur.

Yeah?

I heard Mr. Ransahall

found some unknown to play Robin Hood in his picture.

Oh, yeah.

They just signed Tony Curtis.

Night, Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course,

and no one can talk to a horse, of course,

that is, of course,

unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse,

he'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

People yackety-yack a streak

and waste your time a day.

But Mr. Ed will never speak

unless he has something to say.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course,

and this one will talk to his voice, his horse.

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed.