05x25 - Jon Provost Meets Mister Ed

[bunniefuu]

Hello. I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

Okay, heads up. Here comes my fastball.

Okay, Wilbur, let her rip.

What are you doing?

Flirting with the first baseman.

Okay, that's enough, Wilbur.

Right over the old plate.

I like that. Pretty fast, huh?

Are you kidding?

By the time that ball got here, I could have grown a beard.

Try it again.

Blow the ball back in.

All right, now this is the curve I taught Johnny.

He's gonna win the championship for our team with this pitch.

Just don't throw high.

I'm a trotter, not a jumper.

Here comes Ed.

A perfect strike.

Look out, Ed!

Some pitcher.

Sorry, Ed. Slipped out of my hand.

Lucky you're not pitching for the kids, Sunday.

Their catcher doesn't have a tail.

Never mind.

When I played in the Little League, when I was 12 years old,

plenty of scouts had their eye on me.

Girl scouts?

Look, I must know something about baseball, you know.

After all, I've only been managing the Hawks for three months,

and right now we're tied for top place in the league.

How about some credit for the team mascot?

Well, okay.

Maybe you have been giving me the starting lineups,

and maybe you have been giving me the key plays,

but let's be honest, Ed.

When we go on the road, who packs the kids' lunches?

You do, Mother.

Well, there's our star pitcher now.

Let me catch the paper, Wilbur.

I'd love to see Johnny pitch.

Okay, let me get this stuff off you first, huh?

Oh.

Mr. Ed!

Hi, Ed. Catch, Ed.

Easy, Johnny.

I don't want to have the only horse in town that wears dental plates.

Hi, Skipper.

Hi, Johnny.

How's our little mascot today?

Johnny, I wish you wouldn't throw those papers so hard.

You could ruin that pitching arm, and the big game is Sunday.

That's okay. Flipping papers is good for me.

Helps keep me in shape.

Yeah, but it could become a bad habit.

You might not be able to pitch a ball unless it's wrapped in the funnies.

See you practice, Skipper.

Great little player, huh?

Yeah, and what an arm.

My pivot tooth is still spinning.

Oh.

Uh-oh.

Now, I've warned you about this.

How many times have I told you not to throw my newspaper?

Look what you've done now.

Your paper came, Colonel.

Last month when you broke my window,

I said if you did it again, I would report you to your newspaper.

Please don't, Mr. Kirkwood. I need my job.

Well, what about my windows?

Why is it you always break things around my place?

Well, you're the last house on my route, sir.

By the time I get here, my pitching arm is poof.

Well, uh, had a little mishap, huh?

Yeah.

Well, it could have been worse.

I mean, you could have had your whole house knocked down

if he'd thrown the Sunday paper.

I've had about enough of this.

I'm going to report you to your newspaper.

No, please, Colonel Kirkwood.

Whatever the window costs, let me work it off.

Off.

Come on, Gordon.

You heard what he said.

He's made a mistake and he's willing to pay for it.

That's the American way.

You wouldn't want the boy to grow up hating Americans, would you?

Well, uh, it's against my better judgment,

but, well, all right.

He can work around the place until he pays his debt.

Thanks a lot, sir.

When do you want me to start?

Right now.

And you can begin by cleaning out the garage,

clipping the heads, mowing the lawn,

and weeding the backyard.

I don't think that kid's going to play for us Sunday.

Huh? Why'd you say that, Ed?

By the time he finishes all that work,

he'll be too old to pitch for the Mets.

Go on home, Ed.

Oh.

Hi, Ed.

Hi.

Well, we sure missed little Johnny at practice today.

What you doing, Ed?

Painting.

Painting?

What style are you painting, Ed?

Modernistic? Futuristic? Impressionistic?

Just plain sadistic.

Shows how much I hate to curl.

Why would you do this?

Because it's wrong.

Making Johnny work off a broken window

when he's got a game to pitch Sunday.

That kid's going to be too weak to fight the umpire.

Doing a thing like this, it's childish,

it's disrespectful,

and it's a little out of proportion.

If you're going to do a thing, do it right, you know?

That shoulder should be raised a bit.

See? Just like that.

Uh-huh.

Of course, Gordon has much meaner eyes.

Yes.

A little mean look in the eyes.

Ah, just touch that up.

There. A great improvement.

What do you think, Gordon?

Whoa.

I, uh...

You wouldn't believe Carol painted that, would you?

You wouldn't believe a horse painted it, would you?

Not even if I showed you his teeth marks in the brush?

The reason I painted this, Gordon, I was sore at you.

Why?

Because I made that boy work off the cost of the damage he inflicted on my house?

Do you think that youngsters should be pampered, coddled,

allowed to have their own way no matter what they do?

Outfielders, no. Pitchers, yes.

Oh, never mind.

I borrowed your hedge clippers.

I'll return them as soon as Johnny finishes.

I believe you didn't paint that picture, Wilbur.

Thank you.

Boy, I sure hope all that work around the house

isn't going to take the zip out of Johnny's arm.

Why don't you do the work for him?

Now, you heard what Gordon said.

You think it's right to spoil the boy?

Well, do you think it's right to lose the ball game?

Huh?

Hey, Johnny. Here, give me those.

Shh.

Hand it over.

I don't know, Skipper.

The Colonel will be sore.

I'd rather he got sore than your arm.

Give me that.

You go put a sweater on. I don't want you getting cold.

I don't need a sweater, Skipper. I feel fine.

You want those good old muscles tightening up, huh?

Gordon, I suppose you think just because I'm standing here

with the clippers in my hand that I cut you down.

Well, you're right.

Oh, don't bother showing me to my house.

Gordon, be sensible.

Why would I deliberately cut the rope on your hammock?

Because you're mad at me

for making that boy work off the window he broke.

True, true, but breaking that window was an accident.

Believe me.

Boys, do you want to play bridge or do you want to talk?

Sorry. Cut, would you please?

That's what I hate about playing cards with men.

They're always gabbing.

Yippity, yippity, yippity.

Winnie, that new blouse you're wearing is just adorable.

Where did you buy it?

I got it with Abby's dress shop.

It's a steal.

Oh, and the cutest double-breasted knitted dress

in shark skin with a plaid organza bow

and brass buttons and accordion pleat.

Oh, I can hardly wait till the store opens tomorrow.

Well, then, why wait?

Let's leave now, jimmy the door,

grab the dress and head for the border.

They may give you life, but it's worth it.

Girls, pick up the cards. Aren't you going to...

Well, what are we waiting for?

What are we waiting for?

Let's get this dinner party started, Gordie.

Bid, Gordie, bid.

One club.

Carol, your turn.

Winnie, do you think Abby would change

those brass buttons to pearl?

Oh, for you, dear, she'd do anything

for a few extra dollars.

Carol...

Carol, I've never asked you for anything.

If you love me, would you bid?

All right.

A heart.

Your turn, Winnie.

Oh, Colonel, do you want some lemonade?

Are you bidding lemonade?

Never mind, I'll get it.

I'd like some, too, please.

Yes, sir.

Oh, and they have the cutest double-breasted

mini-dress in shark skin

with a flabbergancer bow and brass buttons.

There you are, Winnie.

Bid, I've got a good hand going for me here.

Ha-ha-ha, let's get...

Whoa!

What are you doing?

Oh, don't throw the cards down there.

Don't throw your cards in.

Don't throw them in.

It's too late, it's a missed deal.

Yeah, but you can't throw them in.

Oh, no.

I've got 13 spades right here, 13.

Only happens once in a lifetime.

You've ruined my trousers.

Oh, well, it's not so bad, Colonel.

I think lemon removes lemonade stains.

The only thing I want removed around here is Wilbur.

I'll get it, my pants are dry.

All spades.

It only happens once in a lifetime.

I'm gonna frame these.

Excuse me.

Hi, Skipper.

Hi, Johnny, what's up?

I tried to get you at your house.

The game's been moved up.

You mean we don't play Sunday?

No, the Eagles beat the Red Wings,

so now it's a three-way tie.

And we've got to play tomorrow.

Oh, wow, that's okay, we're ready for them, huh?

Not me.

I've got to work here tomorrow.

Oh, well, don't worry about that, Johnny.

I'm sure my friend here will give you the day off.

Absolutely not.

I'm holding that boy to his promise.

He appears here tomorrow as agreed.

Oh, come on, Gordon.

Gee, all the kid did was accidentally break your window,

and I happened to cut you out of the hammock

and spill a little lemonade on you,

and all of a sudden, you're acting like a sore head.

Can't touch!

No, you can't.

Foreigners!

Hang tough, Rodney!

Hang tough!

Oh, my God!

Gee, that chicken curl.

I wish he was an animal

so I could kick him out of my union.

Hello, Child Labor Bureau?

Yes.

I'd like to report a laboring child.

May I have your name, please?

Certainly, indignant citizen.

Just what is it that you want?

Help for a miner.

Oh, well, then you want the Mining Bureau.

No, I just want to report a kid

who's being forced to dig against his wishes.

Well, then he is a miner.

Just what kind is he?

He's just a pitching miner.

He mines for pitch?

Oh, how can he mine for pitch?

He pitches for strikes.

Oh, I'm sorry.

If he's on strike, you have him call his union.

Gee, he can't be too smart

if a horse confuses him.

Morning, Ed.

Hi, boss.

Ah, what a way to start a day, huh?

Yeah.

Ah, starting lineup.

Let's see, Spanky Gardino, left field,

Midge Smith, center field,

Bobby Ryan, right field,

Chuck Connolly, catcher.

Who will we put in as pitcher, Ed?

Yeah, how about Sandy Koufax and short pants?

For a big help.

Uh, what's the use?

Our star pitcher is next door right now

pulling weeds for Simon Legree.

Yeah.

We sure need Johnny, don't we?

I wish there was some way I could reach Gordon.

How about a hard right to the jaw?

No, no.

No, it'll have to be something more subtle than that.

In his mind, Gordon feels he's doing the right thing.

Johnny did break his window.

He did promise to work through Saturday, so...

What's the idea, Ed?

The colonel's always admired your fishing rod,

so give it to him.

Absolutely not.

I will not bribe Gordon into letting Johnny off today.

You want your picture in the paper as manager of the year?

Well, it's not like I'm bribing Gordon.

I'm just giving him an early Christmas gift.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to give a present to my neighbor

There you are, Gordon.

And a merry, merry Christmas to you.

What are you talking about? It isn't Christmas.

Gordon, Christmas isn't just a time of the year.

It's a feeling, a mood, a spirit of giving.

Yeah, I know.

You want me to give him the day off so he can pitch.

Exactly.

You want to go down in my book as a Santa Claus or a Scrooge?

Scrooge.

Give me back my pole.

Wait a minute. You said that was my Christmas gift.

Are you out of your mind? This isn't Christmas.

Excuse me. It's kind of rough pulling weeds by hand.

Have you got a weeder?

Oh, well, I borrowed it last week.

You'll find it in Ed's stall on the shelf.

Okay, Skipper.

Gordon, in about...

In about an hour,

my team is going to play the most important game of the season,

which they will probably lose

because my best pitcher is manicuring your garden.

Wilbur, believe me, I would like to let him go,

but he is learning a very important lesson today.

How to lose a ball game.

No, he's learning how to keep his word.

He's building character.

Well, let's compromise.

Let's build his character tomorrow or let the kid pitch today.

You're a happy fellow, aren't you, Ed?

I don't feel so happy today.

I don't know why I'm talking to you.

Well, dogs are different.

You can talk to them and they understand.

You know, Ed,

I'd give anything if I could play with the guys today.

Well, Mr. Post thinks someday I'll be a big pitcher like Sa...

Yeah, well, you wouldn't understand.

Sandy, cool facts.

Well, he was the pitcher I was talking about.

Now what are you doing with his pitcher in your stall?

Don't tell me, Ed. You're a Dodger fan.

You know something, Ed? You're pretty smart.

Almost as smart as my dog.

Smartass.

I wish you could tell me how I could play today.

I know. Run away from the colonel and get in the game.

What good would that do?

He'd just call the editor and I'd get fired.

Thanks a lot, Ed.

I feel a lot better now.

Almost as smart as his dog.

I'd like to see his pooch make a phone call.

Operator.

Hello, honey.

Would you look up Gordon Kirkwood for me?

Have you checked your directory?

No, I don't have a phone directory.

A friend of mine ate it.

Hello.

Who?

The editor of the Valley Gazette?

That's right.

I hear you're kicking around one of our newsboys.

On the contrary. The boy broke my window.

And he agreed to work off the cost of the damage.

Why are you keeping the kid out of the game?

You got a bet on the other team?

Sir, I resent that remark.

Well, you let that kid play.

Or I'll put your name in a headline.

And tomorrow they'll be wrapping you around fish.

Who are you?

I don't believe you're really the editor of the Gazette.

I certainly am.

You see my name on the masthead every day.

Just what is your name?

Wait. I'll look it up.

Colonel, I'm going to the ball game with Wilbur and Carol.

That's fine, dear.

Is there anything I can do for you before I leave?

No, thank you.

Well, there's something you can do for me.

Give us back our pitcher.

Winnie, you probably think I'm a mean, hard-hearted man.

Why, Colonel, I wouldn't think of saying that.

Thank you.

But it sounded right when you said it.

Are you all ready?

All ready.

Well, we're on our way.

I only hope our substitute pitcher can hold the other team down to 18 runs in the first inning.

Gordon, why don't you come along with us and see the slaughter?

I mean game.

No, I'll just hang around the house.

Keep an eye on the kid.

Keep an eye on the...

Gordon, when I served under you and in that great struggle,

there were times flying in my plane when I was scared, my Colonel.

But at those times, one thing gave me strength, courage,

a photograph of you in the c*ck.

My photograph in the c*ck?

Right next to Donald Duck.

That was our squadron emblem.

You were saying my photograph gave you courage?

Oh, yes.

My Colonel, fighting up there above the clouds,

when we felt we were losing our k*ller instinct,

we looked at your photograph and learned to hate again.

You were our hero, sir.

All the men knew that under that rough exterior there,

there beat the heart of a true human being, a compassionate soul,

a man who, in the face of...

Wilbur, if you don't stop this filibustering,

that kid will never get in the game.

Oh, Colonel, I'm so proud of you.

Oh, Gordon, I knew you'd come.

You're going to play today, Johnny.

You bet.

Stop, Winnie, stop.

Here.

I know you're a hero.

Stand up for me.

There we go.

Come on.

Take your shoes off.

You little rascal.

What made you so sure I'd let you go?

Well, sir, I knew inside that rough exterior

there beat the heart of a true human...

Go on, get out of here and win that game.

Oh, Johnny, you forgot the ball.

Catch.

Sorry, Gordon.

I'll pick the rest of these weeds up first thing in the morning.

Come on, girls, let's get going, huh?

Game time.

Listen to this, Wilbur.

Wilbur Post, after that great shot

out victory pitched by his 10-year-old age,

Johnny Provost, is certain to be named

Junior League Manager of the Year.

Oh, not bad, buddy boy.

Well, we were lucky, Ed.

Boy, if Gordon hadn't let Johnny play,

I'd have had to let you pitch.

Please.

The only thing I can pitch is horseshoes.

Oh, I don't know.

I think you can do anything, Ed.

Wilbur, the truth.

Is there any dog around who's smarter than me?

Of course not. No dog can talk.

Yeah, which proves they might be smarter.

My big mouth's always getting me into trouble.

Remember that.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And no one can talk to a horse, of course

That is, of course

Unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed

Go right to the source and ask the horse

He'll give you the answer that you endorse

He's always on a steady course

Talk to Mr. Ed

People yackety-yack a streak

And waste your time a day

But Mr. Ed will never speak

Unless he has something to say

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed

This has been a Filmways presentation.