04x01 - Leo Durocher Meets Mister Ed

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse.

He's always on a steady course. Talk to Mr. Ed.

Giants four, Dodgers three.

Two down on the ninth.

Well, strike two and ball one on Moose Skowron.

Unless the Moose comes through with a hit, the Dodgers will lose the first game of this twilight night doubleheader at Candlestick Park here in San Francisco.

You're dropping that right shoulder again, Moose.

Straighten up.

Well, we're about ready now for the big pitch to Moose Skowron.

Here she comes. Fastball. Call strike three.

So the Dodgers lose the first game of the doubleheader four to three.

Oh, those bums.

I ought to move to San Francisco and get on a winning team.

Watch the second game, which will get underway in just about a half hour.

Not me. I wouldn't watch those Dodgers with a 30-foot aerial.

There.

I'm through. I'm going to switch my affection to another team.

That's where you belong, you bums.

In the cellar.

Ed, what is going on here?

Those bums should have stayed in Brooklyn.

Come on, now, fella. I'm as big a Dodger fan as you are.

In fact, I just bought tickets for the three home games starting tomorrow.

If I could only give them a few tips before that second game starts.

You? What does a horse know about baseball?

I know, I know. You played in the Pony League.

Wilbur, there's a broom there by the door. Pick it up, will you?

Okay. What's for?

I want to show you what they're doing wrong.

Okay.

All right.

How's this, coach?

Raise your right shoulder.

Yeah, that's fine. Now hold your bat over your shoulder.

And now swing out nice and level with the ground.

Why did you hit me, Wilbur?

Roger, I'm awfully sorry, you see, but there was this big mosquito in my office.

And you mistook me for the mosquito.

Well, it was too dark to see your mustache.

Honey, will you get the bags out of the garage?

Get ours, too, will you, doll?

We'd like to make an early start in the morning before all the heavy traffic begins.

Where are you going?

Didn't you tell him?

Well, it's pretty hard to talk to a man when he's beating your brains out.

Roger and Kay and I just decided it would be nice to spend the weekend at Palm Springs.

Well, wonderful. I'll call you after each ballgame.

What ballgame?

The Dodgers will be coming home tomorrow night for three ballgames. I've got tickets for all of them.

Wilbur, are you trying to tell me you'd rather spend the weekend with the Dodgers than your wife?

What?

No, I mean, no, no.

My wife wants to go to Palm Springs. Fine, fine. That's okay with me.

I don't mind not being consulted.

I mean, it would have been nice if you'd kind of talked it over with me.

But this is America where the majority rules.

And if you all want to go to Palm Springs, Palm Springs it is.

Well, I can pick up the ballgames on the radio, which is not nearly as nice as picking them up in person.

But if my wife willfully and selfishly places her own interests above those of her husband's,

then all I can say is that her place is by her husband's side.

And his side will be inside the Dodgers stadium tomorrow night.

Start packing.

That's what I like. A fighter.

Honey, can I bed Ed down for the night first?

Of course.

You're all heart.

Wilbur, before that second game starts, call Leo DeRocher.

Tell him what his players are doing wrong.

Please don't be ridiculous. Leo DeRocher is a great coach.

I'm sure he knows what he's doing.

I know too. He's losing.

Talk to you later, Ed. Sleep well.

And don't call me a stubborn jackass.

I didn't say a word.

Don't forget, the army taught me to read lips.

Lucky they didn't teach you to read minds, or I'd be a dead horse.

If you are begging for a spanking. And believe me, you've got a lot there to spank.

Looks like I'll have to call DeRocher myself.

Honey, would you get me Candlestick Park in San Francisco?

Yeah, it's a matter of life and death.

Here at Candlestick, the Giants leading the Dodgers 2-1.

And for the Dodgers, here's Willie Davis, number 3, coming up to the plate.

Willie, it is your turn.

Let's hit it out, Willie. It's up to you.

Wilbur, I got this for Palm Springs. What do you think?

That's nice, honey. Very nice.

How do you like it?

That's lovely, dear, but you're hiding Willie Davis.

Now, isn't this better than watching an old ball game?

Ah, yes, dear.

Big curveball, swung on and missed strike three.

Oh, no! He left me out!

Please try again. Tell Mr. DeRocher it's very important.

Just a moment, please.

Leo, telephone. The guy says it's important.

No, tell me, Moose, that I've been traded to the Mets.

Yeah? Who? Who's this? Wilbur Post?

Listen, Mr. DeRocher, I know how you can win this game.

Yeah, I know, too. Pray for rain.

Look, mister, I haven't got time.

Wait, Mr. DeRocher. Moose Gowran is coming up to bat next.

Please, please tell him he's dropping his right shoulder every time he swings.

Oh, sure. I'll raise his right shoulder and I'll drop his hemline a little.

Well, if you want any more advice, my number is Poplar 91769. Get it?

Yeah, I got it. Look, mister, I can't bother with you. I gotta go k*ll me an umpire.

Dropping his right shoulder? He is.

All right, Wilbur, I forgive you.

But don't ever make me feel like baseball is more important than your wife.

Sweetie, don't be ridiculous. Sandy Koufax's curves don't begin to compare with yours.

Kiss me, Wilbur.

Sure thing, dear.

It was Gowran's home run in the eighth inning that won it for the Dodgers.

We won! We won!

Oh, boy, we won. DeRocher took my advice.

Oh, Ed, you're a genius.

Good morning, Ed.

Yeah, good morning. It's always a good morning after my Dodgers win.

You see, Ed, you were so worried. Leo DeRocher didn't need your help.

Oh, no, it just so happens I called Candlestick Park last night.

You... I don't believe it.

Well, you got me.

I'll get your phone, Bill.

Leave the phone alone.

Hello?

This is Leo DeRocher. This Mr. Post?

Uh, yes, this is me.

Your voice sounded different last night. Deeper.

Oh, well, that's because I was calling you from my living room.

It's a sunken living room.

Sunken living room?

Well, I wanted to, you know, we just arrived in L.A.,

and I wanted to thank you for that tip you gave me about Moose Scour.

It won the game for us.

Well, you don't have to thank me.

I just did what any other American would do.

Are you a ball player, Mr. Post?

Are you a coach?

No, no. I'm an architect.

An architect?

Well, how did you spot what the moose was doing wrong?

Well, as an architect, I have an eye for angles and curves.

You see, I figured that Moose would get more leverage

if he met the ball on a declining arc.

That's the principle of Archimedes.

Archimedes? What team is he playing with?

Archimedes was a Greek mathematician.

Oh, sure, sure. Any school kid knows that.

Well, do you have any more tips that would help my players, Mr. Post?

More tips?

Yes, yes, I've got quite a few, Mr. DeRocher.

What?

Well, no, I'm afraid I couldn't come down to Dodger Stadium now.

You see, I'm taking my wife to Palm Springs,

and we've got to leave in about an hour.

Palm Springs?

Well, why don't you bring her out to the ballpark instead?

Well, I'm afraid she's not a Dodger fan.

No, thanks. Just the same, Mr. DeRocher,

and I certainly hope you win your next three games.

Goodbye.

She's not a Dodger fan?

That guy's got grounds for divorce.

Wilbur?

Yeah?

You're wasting your time going to Palm Springs.

It's raining there now.

Ed, stop it.

It's a fact. Horses can tell the weather, Wilbur.

Yeah? Well, how do you know?

Well, when my tail sticks straight out,

it's raining to the south.

Uh, who are you calling?

Auto Club.

I'm checking on your tail.

Uh, hello?

Could you please tell me if it's raining in Palm Springs?

Yes, yes, you can call me back.

The number is Poplar 9-1-7-6-9.

Thank you.

When your tail sticks straight out.

What are you doing, Wilbur?

When my leg sticks straight out like that,

it means it's sunny in Palm Springs.

Hmm. I think his system is better than mine.

Hurry, Wilbur.

We don't want to keep the Addisons waiting.

Hi.

My tie got caught.

Did you get the key for this thing?

I don't know where it is.

Honestly, Wilbur.

Hello?

Oh?

Wilbur, did you call the Auto Club?

Yeah, I wanted to get the weather report.

Yes, we were checking...

It's raining.

Worst flash flood in history.

The Red Cross has declared Palm Springs a disaster area.

Darn the luck.

Would you believe it? It's raining in Palm Springs now.

His tail was straight out.

What? Whose tail?

Ed's.

Would you give me a hand with this tie?

Thank you.

You never did like my mother's tie, did you?

It's raining in Palm Springs.

Well, you must be happy now.

Now you can spend the next three days watching the Dodgers.

That's the way the baseball bounces.

I've got to get over to Dodger Stadium to see somebody.

Look, and don't feel too badly.

I'll take you to Palm Springs next weekend.

If it doesn't rain.

Don't worry.

That tail can't stay up there forever.

Well, come on, sweetie.

What's holding up the parade?

Addison's getting the car out.

It's raining in Palm Springs.

Well, if you don't shake a leg, raining in where?

Palm Springs.

We just checked with the Auto Club.

Carol, it's not raining in Palm Springs.

We were just listening to some championship golf game that they're playing there.

And they weren't playing it underwater.

Rain?

What a dirty trick.

It was Wilbur.

Wilbur?

Yes, he wanted to stay in town for the Dodger games.

He probably had a friend call and give me that phony weather report.

Come on in.

We're going to Dodger Stadium.

Oh, boy.

Say, Wilbur, what happened to Palm Springs?

The trip is off.

Your tail was right, Ed.

The Auto Club just called and said it's raining there.

Worst flash flood in history, huh?

How did you know it was that bad?

Well, after you left, my tail began spinning around like a propeller.

No kidding.

If I weren't wearing horseshoes, I'd have flown clear out of the barn.

Mr. DeRosa is going to want some tips on how to help his players, eh?

So, you watch them, and then we'll use the old sign language.

Sure, sure, sure.

You know, someday I got to learn ventriloquism.

You'd make a great dummy.

Gee, thanks, Ed.

Gee, I'm going to meet my favorite Dodgers.

Willie Davis.

Donnie Roseboro.

Moose Gowron.

And the old strikeout king, Sandy Colfax.

Gee, Ed, you're a lucky horse.

Let's go, Wilbur.

Willie, come here.

Willie, I don't know why you need a glove.

My grandmother could catch a ball better with her apron.

The sun was in my eyes, Leo.

Sure, and last night she said the same thing about the moon.

You want me in the batting cage?

Yes, go ahead.

But the way you're hitting, I may as well put you in a birdcage.

Go on.

Hi, Mr. DeRosa.

Well, I was able to get down here after all.

Who are you?

What's he doing here?

That's my horse.

For a minute I thought it was Casey Stengel.

Look, mister, you'll have to get him out of here.

What did you say your name was?

Post. Wilbur Post.

I'm the fellow who gave you that tip about Moose Gowron.

Oh, a stroke of genius. You're just the guy we need.

Oh, thank you.

What about my horse?

Do you think he can stay?

I mean, I sort of carry him around like a good luck charm.

Wouldn't a rabbit's foot be more convenient?

He won't get in your way.

Look, mister, if he brings you luck, he stays.

And if he can help my boys,

I don't care if you bring a herd of elephants in here.

Watch Willie Davis in the batting cage.

What is he doing wrong?

Willie's been in a slump the last couple of weeks.

Have you got any ideas?

Tell him to take a longer step into the ball before he swings.

A longer step?

Yeah, well, it's simple geometry.

You see, we know that a straight line

is the shortest distance between two points.

And you see, if the trajectory of the bat

is not equal to the velocity of the ball,

then you've got to shorten the distance.

Or as Archimedes puts it, x over 2 equals 7.

Makes sense to me.

What does it mean?

Take a longer step into the ball before he swings.

Willie.

Take a longer step into the ball before you swing.

Okay.

Take a bow, kid. You're sensational.

Simple geometry, eh?

And I wasted my whole childhood playing pool.

Okay, you guys, batting for me.

Practice.

Johnny missed that one a mile.

Have you got any ideas, kid?

Tell him to spread his feet wide apart,

take a shorter step, and get me some hay. I'm starved.

Johnny, spread your feet wider apart,

take a shorter step, and get me some hay.

Get me some hay?

I mean, my horse wanted some hay.

Shh.

How would you like to sign a contract

and travel with the team, kid?

I'm afraid I can't. I've already signed a contract with my wife.

So? We'll buy it from her

and throw in a couple of left-handed pitches to boot.

No, no, no.

I don't like you getting all the glory for my genius.

Well, if you want to talk to Mr. DeRosier yourself...

Oh, Wilbur, you know I only talk to you.

Well, then, Ed, there's nothing we can do about it, is there?

Oh, come on. I know you're smart, and that's the important thing.

Excuse me, Ed, I promised Leo I'd give him a few more pointers.

I'll show him who's the brains of this outfit.

Well, Leo, I hope you win those three games in your home stand.

Why, we're a cinch, thanks to...

Hey, what's going on out there?

What's all this clowning around here, John?

You know we got a big game tonight.

Ignore my horse. He's just a show-off.

It was the horse's idea, Leo.

We look around, and there he is with a bat in his mouth.

It'll make a great publicity shot, Leo.

Yeah, not bad, not bad.

Say, is it okay if Sandy tosses one to him nice and easy?

Yeah, Ed wants to make a fool of himself. It's okay with me.

All right. Sandy, nice and easy, huh, buddy?

Okay, John.

Slide!

You know, that's the smartest horse I ever saw.

He's not so smart. He forgot to touch second base.

Will you please believe me? Everything I've been telling you is the truth.

Sure. We believe you didn't get some friend to phone us

with that phony Palm Springs weather report.

And we believe Mr. Ed was playing ball with the Dodgers.

And we believe you were teaching Leo DeRosier baseball.

And I believe you're stewed to the gills.

Oh, Wilbur, admit it. You've never met Leo DeRosier in your life.

Mrs. Post?

Yes?

I'm Leo DeRosier, and I promised Wilbur some season passes.

Just put them down anywhere at all, Leo.

Did I do something wrong?

Ah, yes. These are the headlines I love to read.

Dodgers win third game, clinch pennant.

You beautiful, beautiful Dodgers.

Reading about the game, huh?

Yeah, I feel good.

Well, you should. You pulled the Dodgers out of their slump and got them the pennant.

Say, Wilbur.

What?

I can hit, and I can run, and I can feel, right?

So?

Do you think the Dodgers would sign me up as a player?

A horse on the Dodgers?

Well, why not? They already got a moose.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

Heeple yakity yak, a streak can waste your time a day.

But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse.

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed.

This has been a Filmways presentation.