04x03 - Ed Discovers America

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

Thank you.

Who was that, Carol?

A special delivery letter.

Now, Wilbur, promise me you won't get excited.

I won't get excited. Who's it from?

The mayor's office.

It must be about those plans you submitted for the new museum.

Well, of course it is. May I have them, please?

I mean, they've either accepted my plans or they have rejected them.

Why should I get excited?

This is the biggest opportunity I ever had,

but I'm just not the excitable type.

When I look at it, the job is either mine or it's not mine.

Nothing to get excited about.

Hey, Mr. Post, we would like to inform you

that your plans have been Thursday the 13th and the very sincerely.

You did the same thing when we got married.

I bet I'm the only girl who has her wedding license in two frames.

Would you give me that, please?

You can be so calm at a time like this.

Wilbur, what does it say? Did you get the job?

You are looking at the architect who has been chosen to create,

plan and construct the American History Museum.

Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you.

Oh, you must have done something wonderful in some other life

to deserve me, my dear.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Oh, I've got to go tell Kay the good news. She'll be thrilled.

I'll be right back, my little genius.

Got it. I'll save it and have it after dinner.

I'll get it, dear. I'll get it.

Hello.

The, uh, the mayor's office?

You know, I just got a call from the mayor.

They even want me to suggest a statue for in front of the museum.

Something that symbolizes the spirit of America.

Uh, something that symbolizes the spirit of America, huh?

Uh, a statue of the American Indian might be good.

How about the American horse?

You mean a pilgrim?

Uh, how about a horse?

Maybe Washington in a rowboat.

Maybe a horse.

Got any ideas, Ed?

I just got a wild thought. How about a horse?

A horse?

Yeah, one of those things that looks like me,

with four legs and a tail, and goes...

A horse to symbolize America?

Why not? They got buffaloes on nickels.

In America, a horse only symbolizes three things.

Win, place, or show.

Oh, don't worry. I'll get an idea.

Maybe the girls have got some thoughts.

Be right back, Ed.

There's gonna be a statue of a horse in front of that building

if I gotta dip myself in plaster of Paris.

Carol, I'm so glad that Wilbur got that assignment.

Now you'll be able to get the mink coat you've always wanted.

Oh, but Wilbur wants a new car.

Well, compromise with him.

Get a new coat and keep it in the garage.

Can I come in?

Well, hiya, genius.

Oh, okay.

Congratulations. I just heard the good news.

Thank you. I got a bit of a problem, though.

Oh?

See, they want a statue for the first time.

I gotta get something that symbolizes the spirit of America.

You got any ideas?

The charge you played.

It is the Declaration of Independence for the American wife.

It does free the American husband from his cash.

Ah, you'd think between the two of us we could come up with an idea here.

You never think of asking me.

Oh, excuse me, Kay.

Carol, I'm sorry. What is your idea?

I don't have any.

Then why all the fuss?

You could have asked me.

Oh, I'm asking you.

Don't try to make up.

Carol, if you've got any idea...

You wouldn't listen to me if I suggested the American eagle.

Of course I wouldn't because you...

American eagle, huh?

An eagle? Gee.

You want a chicken to symbolize America?

Eagle is not a chicken.

It's a big, handsome, powerful bird.

Does it lay eggs?

Of course.

So it's a chicken.

The eagle is the official emblem of the United States.

What could be more symbolic of America?

How about a horse?

Begin with a horse.

Name me one eagle that was ever shot out from under a general.

I'm sure if they made saddles for eagles, they'd have been glad to serve.

Wilbur, a horse should be in front of that American museum.

Just think of the role this noble animal has played in our history.

Paul Revere's ride.

Pulling wagon trains.

Custer's Last Stand.

The Pony Express.

The U.S. Cavalry.

And while all this was going on, where were the eagles?

Up in trees, posing for half dollars.

Come on, you know me.

No one loves horses more than I do.

But Ed, this is my most important project.

Thousands of people will be looking at that statue and I...

I can't let my emotions cloud my reason.

Okay, then let's compromise.

Put the chicken on the horse.

Ed, an eagle is not a chicken.

Oh, no?

Just let a rooster whistle at it and see what happens.

All this talk is confusing me.

Ask the man in the street.

He'll tell you a horse is the best symbol of America.

That's not a bad idea.

Not a bad idea.

I'll drive down to the park.

I'll ask the average American.

Get their opinion.

Make it fair now.

Start at the bridle path.

Ask any horse, love.

Okay.

I'll even pull the kids on the merry-go-round.

Excuse me, I'm conducting a poll.

Well, it's about the American History Museum this city's building.

See, they're also planning to put a statue out front

which will express the spirit of America.

And we would like to find out what the average citizen feels

most closely symbolizes our way of life.

Dames.

Dames.

Thank you, sir.

When you say that, do you have in mind the colonial dame,

the frontier dame, or the modern dame?

Yeah.

Ah, then, madam.

Buddy, if this is research, where do I go to apply for your job?

Excuse me.

That's fine, Emma.

Now, hold it.

Oh, excuse me, madam.

We are conducting a survey on the new American History Museum

this city is...

Thanks, mister.

I just got a picture of your back.

Oh, all right.

Oh, you were...

Oh, I'm awfully sorry.

Is there something I can do?

Can I take a picture of you and your wife?

Oh, I don't know.

This is a very expensive camera.

Oh, you've got nothing to worry about.

My friends say I take a marvelous picture.

Here.

Well, all right.

Sure. Sure thing.

All right.

Okay, now.

All right, let's have a nice pose now.

Oh, smile.

Smile.

Come on, I said show the teeth.

There, smile. Here we go.

It's stuck a second.

I'm stuck in here.

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I've ruined the film here.

These German cameras are tricky.

It's Japanese.

You see how tricky it is?

It had me fooled.

Oh, but before you go,

about this statue they're putting outside the museum,

we're open for suggestions.

All right.

Make it a tall one.

Make it a tall one.

And jump off.

Come on.

Jump off.

Just put down no opinion.

To me, America is the land of opportunity.

Our pioneer forefathers taught us to live by our wits,

by good old Yankee ingenuity.

In this great democracy of ours,

a man has the freedom to acquire anything his heart desires,

as long as he has the skill and the ability

and the initiative to go out and get it.

Okay, Louie, give him back his watch.

Ed, what are you doing with my typewriter?

Listing 500 reasons why that statue should be a horse.

You're wasting your time.

Now, will you stop pushing horses down my throat?

I'm looking for something that's symbolic of all America.

If it wasn't for a horse, they'd never have found America.

Don't be ridiculous. Columbus discovered America.

If you're going to believe the history books.

But if Columbus didn't discover America, who did?

His horse.

Columbus' horse?

It wasn't his eagle.

You want to hear the real story of how America was discovered?

Ed, if I listened to you, I'd believe that it was 40 horses

that signed the Declaration of Independence.

It was 43, but we'll discuss that some other day.

Look, here. Here's the encyclopedia.

It states right here, in big, clear type,

Columbus discovered America.

Any child knows that.

Now get set to hear the real story of how America was discovered.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

I know, Ed, I know.

This is going to be another one of your tall tales.

It's the truth.

Columbus' horse did discover America.

Okay, let's hear the story.

It all started in a little Spanish town in 1492.

Outside the palace gate,

Christopher Columbus was trying to raise funds

for a trip to discover America.

Senor, can you spare a few million pesos

for a discovery voyage to America?

Well, thou art a co*n.

I ought not...

I art Christopher Columbus,

navigator, explorer,

and the man for whom they will name Columbus Day.

Christopher Columbus,

are you not the madman who refuses to believe

the earth is flat?

The earth is round.

I'm the one who's flat, which is why I need the funds.

You're wasting your time, Columbus.

I do not believe you can sail around the world

without falling off the edge.

But, my lord, we must keep an open mind.

Do you believe an egg can stand on its end?

Certainly not.

Then I shall prove it to you.

Hold out your hand.

An egg?

They don't lay eggs the way they used to, do they?

Columbus, give up your wild notions

before the men in the white doublets take you away.

But, look, I still say the earth is round.

And if you say it's flat, then you're a square.

Fortunately for the history of the world,

nearby stood a handsome steed of royal blood.

There was something about the frustrated Columbus

that touched the heart of this highly intelligent animal.

He decided to act.

Psst. Psst.

Despair not, Columbus.

I will help you discover America.

Oh, thank you, horse, but I...

You talk, horse?

Nay, I talk human.

What manner of horse is this that talks?

The name is Sir Ed, and I am the queen's favorite steed.

Queen Isabella?

Yep. Here's he digs me the most.

Horse, how can you help me discover the new world?

By telling you how to get the money from the queen.

She's loaded.

Proceed, horse.

Stop calling me horse like I'm some animal.

Oh, I'm sorry, Sir Ed.

You were saying?

Go to the queen, Columbus. Make thy pitch.

May I say her horse sent me?

Nay.

What?

Nay.

Nay.

Gee, this kid's gonna need all the help he can get.

Now, listen to me, Chris.

You go to the queen.

She's very vain about her legs.

Praise them, and she'll give you anything you need.

Thank you, noble steed.

And is there any way that I can show my appreciation?

Well, after America is discovered,

a statue of a horse in front of the museum might be a good idea.

Ha, ha, ha.

Enter Columbus.

I salute thee, Queen Isabella.

Defender of the faith.

Protector of the poor.

Wife of the king.

Mother of the prince.

Lender of the lute.

Uh, get to the point, Columbus, while your queen still has her marbles.

Oh, my queen.

I beg you to finance my voyage to discover America.

Have you tried the Madrid savings and loan?

My credit there is so bad, they'd turn me down for a free calendar.

Well, I'm sorry, Columbus, but this is a foolhardy adventure.

And if you insist on risking your life, I must put my foot down.

The most beautiful foot in the entire kingdom.

Oh.

Oh, I'm bored, Columbus.

Well, I figure I need about three boats to...

No, no, no, no, no. I mean, tell me about my foot.

Well, it's, uh, it's without a doubt the most beautiful foot in all of Spain.

You were saying about my foot?

Oh, uh, it's attached to the most gorgeous ankle in all of Europe.

Go on, dear Columbus.

Well, you've got a great leg there, queen.

Uh, you've got the Nina and the Pinta.

Would you like to try for the Santa Maria?

Oh, that's a great knee.

If you've got one to match, I think we can swing the trip.

So, you see, Wilbur, if it hadn't been for that horse,

Columbus never would have raised the money for his trip.

Oh, brother.

Even so, Ed, it was still that great navigator Christopher Columbus

who really discovered America.

Great navigator? Ha!

He couldn't find his latitudes if they were pinned onto his lungs

Are you trying to tell me it was one of his men who steered that ship?

Not exactly.

You didn't let me steer. It's my ship.

Please, Columbus. Three times you've steered us back home.

Anybody can make a U-turn in the fog.

If I give you the wheel, we won't discover America till 1493.

Well, what's wrong with that?

How would this sound?

Columbus sailed the ocean blue and discovered America in 1493.

It's my ship, and I want to steer.

Well, it looks like it's back to Spain again.

Lunch is ready, Columbus.

Thank you, Sam. Oh, and Sam.

Yes, Captain?

Ever since you signed on as mess boy, I've been a little suspicious of you.

What way, sir?

Oh, the way you talk, the way you walk, and that perfume.

You must be hiding something.

I am. I'm an escaped convict.

I knew it! That's a beautiful disguise.

Don't worry. I won't give you away, lad.

Sam.

Sam, you're beautiful.

Thank you, Captain Columbus. I'll go to my quarters now.

Our quarters, you mean?

As captain of this ship, I hereby pronounce us man and wife.

Come here, you crazy sailor, you.

But the noble horse stepped in to save the ship.

And for 12 days, through heavy wind and storm, he guided it toward the new land.

And while the brave horse was tending to his business, Columbus was attending to his.

But the horse guided the ship safely through the storm.

Land h*!

Land h*!

Stay right where you are.

But, Chris.

I'll be right back.

Wish you'd stop disturbing me. What are you yelling about?

I just discovered America.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Look for yourself.

Huh?

That's America, all right.

I've discovered it. Let's celebrate. Let's rejoice.

What do we do?

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm going back to that crazy sailor.

Land h*!

So, you see, Wilbur, it was really this noble animal that discovered our country.

All right, Ed.

Yes, I guess horses have been important in our American history.

I mean, the winning of the west, the pulling of the wagon trains.

Okay, Ed.

I will suggest a statue of a cowboy on a horse. How's that?

A cowboy?

Well, yeah.

I mean, after all, if it hadn't been for a cowboy, America would never have been discovered.

Would you like to hear the real story?

Oh, no, thanks.

One fibber in the family is enough.

Oh, Wilbur, I think you made a wonderful decision.

There's nothing more typical of America than a cowboy on a horse.

How'd you happen to think of it?

Oh, I just used some plain, old-fashioned horse sense.

Honey, you see, the way I feel is that the horse has contributed so much to the history of our country

that, well, I feel that there is no contest.

You know, for a while, I thought you liked my idea of using the eagle.

The eagle?

Oh, honey, a chicken to symbolize America?

A chicken?

Wilbur, an eagle is not a chicken.

Huh? Just let a rooster whistle at it and see what happens.

I mean, name one general that was ever shot out from under an eagle.

It lays eggs, and it's a...

An eagle is... It's a...

It's a bald-headed chicken.

Lunch is ready.

You coming in?

Sure, Sam.

Sam?

Uh...

Oh, I was, uh...

Oh, come here, you crazy sailor.

Sam, sailor, what's this all about?

Oh, a little gag between me and Ed.

You and who?

Uh, Ed and Columbus.

I'm starved. Come on.

Come on, Sam.

I knew that statue would be a horse.

We horses are so American.

Oh, beautiful for space and sky

For amber waves of grain

Da-da-da-da-da-da

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And no one can talk to a horse, of course

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed

Go right to the source and ask the horse

He'll give you the answer that you endorse

He's always on a steady course

Talk to Mr. Ed

People yakity yak a streak

And waste your time a day

But Mr. Ed will never speak

Unless he has something to say

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this

I am Mr. Ed

This has been a Filmways presentation