04x06 - Don't Laugh at Horses

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

Who is this, Wilbur?

Hello, darling.

What do you think of my new hairdo?

Corley locks.

Oh, no.

Zsa Zsa.

Guess this one, Wilbur.

I got a million of them.

I got a million of them.

Jimmy Durante.

Very good, Ed.

How about this one, Wilbur?

Ed, please, I'm trying to work.

I'd like to give an imitation of George Burns, but I can't talk like him.

Oh, Ed.

I'm glad to see you got your old sense of humor back again.

Oh, me too.

The way I feel, Wilbur, if we can't laugh at ourselves, we might as well be animals.

Oh.

And you're in charge of that, too, huh?

Wilbur, I still say I'm not going to feel comfortable in this ridiculous horse's outfit.

Oh, look, Paul, we're a cinch to win first prize.

Nobody has yet come to my club's masquerade party dressed as a horse.

Well, why do I have to be the back half?

Oh, I've seen you in formal clothes.

You look wonderful in tails.

I'm sorry, Wilbur.

I will not portray the hindquarters of an animal.

What should I say?

I'm stuck with both ends.

Oh, hi.

Sit down, Kay.

Is my brother over here?

No, he's out back with Wilbur.

They're trying on their costumes.

Have you decided on yours?

I think I'll go with Cleopatra.

With $10 million worth of publicity, how can I lose?

How about you, Kay?

Have you decided on your costume?

Not yet.

You know, maybe I'll skip my beauty parlor appointment this Friday and go as King Kong.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't play the front end.

Well, first, I paid for the rental of this costume.

That's a good enough reason.

Kay.

Okay, let's see.

Which way is it?

Here's the middle, here.

Oh.

All right?

Over here?

Yep, got it.

All right.

Carol!

Kay!

Will you come and zip us up?

Paul.

What?

I know we're gonna win first prize.

There's nothing funnier than a horse staggering around.

I don't think it's funny.

Some of my best friends are horses.

Come on, let's go see what the boys are cooking up.

Cooking is right.

The way my darling brother loves to eat, he may go to the ball as a pot rose.

Come on.

Oh, no funny.

Oh, scream.

It's dark in here, I can't see.

What did you expect, an usher with a flashlight?

I wonder which part I'm married to.

I'll find out.

Uh, brother darling, lunch is ready.

That's my brother.

Will somebody zip us up?

All right, Wilbur.

Say, Kay.

Why don't you go with Lady Godiva and Rosie?

I'll ride in on the boys.

No, thanks.

I don't want to be the first girl that was ever pinched by a horse.

All right, boy, giddy up.

Ow.

Making fun of horses.

That's enough to bring out the Irish in me.

Oh, begorrah.

Come on, man, let's try.

Why did you stop?

I think my battery went dead.

Yeah, I ought to call the auto club and have you towed home.

You've been dogging it ever since we left the house.

Don't you feel all right?

Physically, yes.

Mentally, I'm a wreck.

What's the matter?

You in love?

No, I'm in hate.

I hate that horse outfit you're going to wear to the club ball.

Oh, that's it, huh?

How would you like it if I went to that party dressed as a man?

That's ridiculous, Ed.

You're not a member of the club.

Please, don't wear that silly outfit.

Don't make fun of my people.

I don't understand your attitude.

I thought horses had a sense of humor.

We have.

Who do you think invented the horse laugh?

I came out here to go riding, not to have a debate.

Now, let's go for a nice brisk canter, huh?

Get the old blood circulating.

You're still going to wear that clownish horse outfit?

Of course.

Then circulate your own blood.

Ed, that was a dirty trick.

Just for that, there'll be no television for you tonight.

Ed, you'll miss Mitch Miller.

Ed, I want to have a talk with you.

Uh-oh.

Crowbow.

Ed, that's the meanest thing you ever did.

Ed, where are you?

It's hard to hide when you're a horse.

Ed, I know you're around here somewhere.

It's my move.

Ed.

Uh-oh.

Oh, hi, Wilbur.

I was looking for you.

Ed, what you did to me in the park was an act of desertion.

If we were in the army, you would be court-martialed.

Wilbur.

They would stand you in front of a firing squad blindfolded.

If they're blindfolded, how are they going to hit me?

Ed, you owe me an apology.

Well?

Are you and Paul still going to wear that horse outfit?

That's right.

Wilbur, you yelled at your little horsey.

Never mind that.

Tomorrow, I am going riding.

Not on my back.

All right.

Until you change your mind, you are confined to quarters.

Basic rations and no communication with the outside world.

I'll tunnel my way to freedom.

All right, Ed.

You'll stay in there until you decide to ride with me again.

By that time, I'll be too old to carry you.

Carol, I'm home.

Be right down, honey.

I'm trying on my costume.

Ooh! Ooh!

Who's there?

It's me, Tommy.

Come in, Tommy.

Hello, Mr. Post.

Hello, Tommy.

Tommy, what can I do for my favorite little neighbor?

Well, I told my friends I'd ask you.

Look, would you be careful with that, Tommy?

Now, I don't want to have a tutti-frutti carpet, huh?

No, sir. It's vanilla.

Well, it still won't match the drapes, so be careful.

Now, what is this you were saying about your friends?

They want to know if we can come over and play with Mr. Ed.

Is it okay?

Well, no, I'm afraid not.

You see, Mr. Ed's been very naughty, and I'm punishing him.

Are you going to spank him?

I would if I could get him across my knee.

Ooh! Ooh!

Excuse me, Tommy.

Never mind.

I'll get him. Don't worry.

There we are. Oh, boy.

Look, why don't you bring your friends over tomorrow?

You know, I'll be practicing a horse dance with a very funny outfit.

They think they'd like to see that?

Yes, sir. Thank you. Good-bye.

Bye, Tommy.

Come on.

I am Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt,

Siren of the Nile.

What wouldst thou have of me, Mark Antony?

I wouldst have a pair of dry socks.

Oh, Wilbur, what a mess. What happened?

Relax, Cleopatra, little.

Tommy Slater just lost his ice cream, and I just found it.

Wilbur, I've been thinking about our costume, and I want to say...

Cleopatra, hey?

You're close. It's Mickey Rooney.

Do you think I'll win first prize in the women's division?

Well, with that outfit, you won't stand a chance in the men's division.

Wilbur, I still think it's extremely undignified

for two grown men to go prancing around in that ridiculous horse's outfit,

and I'm not going to do it. Don't you agree, Carol?

Oh, no, you don't. You're not going to drag me into this.

As far as I'm concerned, you two can go as the Bobsy twins.

Paul, I wish you would reconsider.

I'm sorry, Wilbur.

My body may be in that horse's outfit,

but my heart just won't be in it.

Don't worry, Wilbur.

I'm sure you'll be able to find somebody else.

Paul.

You can play the front end of the horse.

You promise?

Yeah, I'm promoting you from tail gunner to pilot.

Thank you, Wilbur. I feel much better now.

And frankly, I feel the back part is more you.

Leading of France, the can-can girl, she is here.

Tar-a-tar-a-ta.

Ta-ta-ta, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.

Where... Where is Cleopatra?

She's up the Nile, washing my socks.

Well, au revoir, and don't miss my next show.

It is tarifical.

Oh, what talent. You know, great legs run in my family. Say, would you care to see mine?

No, not especially.

Oh, boy, I'm tired. I walked three miles today.

You walked three miles? What happened? I thought you went out riding.

Oh, that Eddie's so temperamental. He ran off home and I had to walk all the way back.

Sarge, you're right. I told you you ought to carry a spare pony.

I paid him to go riding.

That's right. I can rent a horse. That's what I'll do.

He's jealous. He's so jealous. When he sees me riding a stranger, he'll get down on his knees and apologize.

Who's jealous? Who's going to get down on whose knees? Who's apologizing?

Uh, Ed. Ed?

I'll, I'll apologize. Hey, you see, hello, Tally h* Stables?

Tally who?

Tally who? Tally who? Uh, look, I wonder if I could rent a horse for tomorrow.

He's not riding any other horse. I'm going over the wall tonight.

Oh, so am I.

When I spread the word, there won't be a horse in town that'll carry Wilbur.

I'm calling a horse strike.

I'm not calling a sit-down strike. This is going to be a lay-down strike.

Nellie's laying down. If Wilbur wants to ride her, you'll have to saddle her.

Poncho, he wouldn't cross my picket line for a billion enchiladas.

Lightning's going to lay there, too. The only horse Wilbur will ride will be on a merry-go-round.

Now on to my next stop.

Morning.

Oh, good morning. What can we do for you?

Well, I'd like to go for a ride. You got a good horse for me?

Oh, sure, some fine ones. What kind of a horse do you like?

Oh, it doesn't matter, as long as he doesn't take himself too seriously.

Well, most all of us.

Well, I mean, some of these horses you just can't kid with, you know.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, I know a lot of horses have got speed, endurance, stamina, but give me a horse that's not too serious.

Give me a horse that has a sense of humor, you know.

I'm going to ride one of my horses. I want some identification. May I see your driver's license, please?

I'm not going to drive the horse. I'm just going to ride it.

Your driver's license.

This doesn't look like you.

Oh, well, you see, the light flash kind of surprised me.

Oh, I can look like that if you want. Here.

Yeah, that's you, all right.

Well, I think you'll like Nelly girl. She's a real spry filly. This way, please.

All right.

What's wrong with her?

I don't know. I never saw her go to sleep in the daytime before.

Maybe she's got a big date tonight and she's taking a little beauty nap.

I'll have the vet check her. You can ride Pancho.

What's the matter with Pancho?

He's Mexican. He's taking a siesta.

What if it's the feed?

He's all right. He's just goofing off.

How do you know?

Well, he's got that same guilty look that my horse gets when he's gold-bricking.

Why is it you're not riding your horse?

Well, it was just conflicting points of view.

Difference of opinion, that's all.

I mean, I felt that he...

He thought that I was...

He just wouldn't carry me, that's all.

The same as my horses.

Uh-oh.

There goes lightning.

One look at you and he lays down. What are you, a hippotist?

I dabble in amateur magic.

Oh, I know what I knew. You were a hippotist when I saw that picture on that driving lesson.

Those eyes bulging out.

Oh, really? You're not going to put me under?

Look, I had nothing to do with all this.

Tell me.

Why every time a horse sees you, it lays down?

Are you trying to tell me they're on strike?

Oh, look.

That's an idea you've got.

These horses are all on strike, and I'll bet you my horse is the head of the union.

It's a strike, all right.

But I'm pulling out every horse from under you, Wilbur.

Just because I'm wearing an outfit to a costume party.

You make fun of horses, and all you'll be riding is a pogo stick.

Ed, if you don't call off this ridiculous strike,

I'm going to trade you in for a rocking chair.

You look great riding that on a bridle path.

Oh, thanks, Wilbur.

You insist on continuing this strike?

You insist on wearing that horse outfit?

Yes.

I'm willing to submit this to the National Labor Relations Board.

I am not.

When there's only one way to handle a disobedient horse,

I'm sending you to an animal training school.

Do with me what you will, Wilbur.

But remember one thing.

If I fall, there'll be another horse to pick up the torch

and carry on the fight for the preservation of horsely dignity.

Aye, thank you.

And Joe, I want you to get started on Mr. Ed here right away.

This owner says he doesn't follow commands, huh?

Why did I always have to get the dumb beginner?

Here.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, where'd you learn that?

You must be one of them there trick horses.

You're pretty smart.

Did you say yes?

You did say yes.

I bet you can do everything but I Ed.

Wait, wait a minute.

How much is one and one?

Well, that's perfect.

But now I'm going to give you a tough one.

How much is eighteen divided by six?

That is right.

Why, you're as smart as I am.

Let's face it, you're smarter.

Oh boy, what a horse.

Well, how are you getting on with my horse?

Teach him to carry me yet?

Carry you?

Why, he's so smart and you ought to be carrying him.

I'll tell Mr. Hopkins.

Mr. Hopkins! Mr. Hopkins!

Ed, are you ready to call off the strike?

Do you want to carry me home?

Please, send back that silly horse outfit, Wilbur.

No, Ed.

As a matter of fact, Paul and I will be rehearsing our act

in front of some neighborhood children this afternoon.

Well, to change your mind, send me a card.

Are you asking that horse to write you?

Yes, I am.

Well, I bet that horse is so smart he could phone you.

He wants to. He knows my number.

Oh, dear.

Aren't they all right?

Oh, they're wonderful.

You know what I'm going to bring my brother for lunch?

What?

A pail of oats.

Oh!

You having fun, Tommy?

Oh, yes, Mrs. Post. This is better than a circus.

Oh!

Hi, buddy boy.

Well, when did you get back?

In time to catch your act.

Oh?

Very funny.

You really enjoyed it, huh?

Yep.

I, uh...

I was wrong, Wilbur.

What made you change your mind?

Seeing those little kids laugh.

Anything that makes kids happy has to be right.

Oh, then you're not still angry with me for wearing that horse outfit to the party?

No, but you're a terrible horse dancer.

You're all hooves.

What am I doing wrong?

Well, let me show you.

I'll lead, you follow.

Okay.

One and two and one and two.

Am I holding you too tight?

I'll find you.

One and two and one and two.

One...

I'm getting it.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. O.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

People yakety yak a streak and waste your time a day.

But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse.

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed.

This has been a Filmways presentation.