04x11 - Love Thy New Neighbor

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,

that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

There, a beautiful job.

I shouldn't be a horse, I should be a painter.

Now the walls.

Think I'll paint them palomino blonde, same color I am.

Then when Wilbur gets mad at me, I can just fade into the woodwork.

Hi Ed, what are you doing?

I had a little time on my hands, so I thought I'd paint your office.

Thanks a lot, fella.

Yeah, who's the gift for?

Our new neighbors, Colonel and Mrs. Kirkwood.

Them, huh?

I hope it's a going away present.

Why, what have you got against the Kirkwoods?

Plenty.

Since they moved in, you spent all your time with them.

Sometimes I feel like a motherless child.

I know, Ed.

I've been neglecting you a little bit the past week.

Neglecting me?

I don't hear a friendly voice all day.

I know, Ed.

If it weren't for Huntley and Brinkley, I'd be climbing the walls.

It'll only be for a little while.

After all, Colonel Kirkwood was my commanding officer in the Air Force,

and now that he's our new neighbor, why,

I feel obligated to help him get settled into his new house.

Don't you feel obligated to me?

Look how nice I shall act those...

Shall act what?

You'll excuse me.

I'm expecting a call from my bookie.

Bookie?

Yeah, there's a track meet at the Coliseum,

and I got two bucks on a man running in the fourth.

Oh, Ed, stick around.

I can't.

But I've got a feeling you will.

Ant!

Excuse me, Wilbur.

I got a few things to rinse out.

Oh, honey, Winnie needs an extension cord for their new TV set.

I hate to bother you when you're working,

but the colonel wants to watch a special program.

Well, that's... that's no bother.

When it comes to helping neighbors, you could have the shirt off my seat.

That'd be... I'll get it.

No, Carol, it's in the second drawer down at my desk.

Oh, Wilbur, wait till you see their new TV set.

The colonel's crazy about it.

It has a wonderful screen, remote control, an electronic aerial.

It does everything but serve sandwiches during the commercials.

Oh, honey, I can't get it open.

It's stuck.

Will you please open it?

Uh, sure, sure thing, dear.

Sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Probably got too much stuff in it.

I'll have this open in a minute.

What an unusual place to catch the measles.

Oh, hi, Gordon.

Very stylish, Wilbur.

Plunging seat line, huh?

Now, Gordon, leave Wilbur alone.

It's not funny.

It's not funny at all.

Please excuse me.

I have some work to do.

You know, Wilbur, you haven't changed a bit since our Air Force days.

Anything for a laugh.

Oh, I just happen to sit down in a freshly shellacked chair,

which I guess is a pretty silly thing to do.

You know, Wilbur, that's what I like about you.

I've always believed if a man can laugh at himself...

Which chair?

The one with the gabardine seat cover.

This chair I'm sitting on.

Was it, uh, shellacked too?

Well, Gordon, if you plan to laugh at yourself,

now's a good time to start.

Welcome to the Sun Worshippers of America.

Gordon.

Colonel, sir, I'm sorry.

David Susskind could use them on open end.

Winnie Rook.

A brand new pair of slacks, completely ruined.

Now, stop carrying on.

These things are bound to occur.

Only when Wilbur Post is around.

The man's a walking accident looking for some place to happen.

Hello, Wilbur, Carol.

Hi, are we interrupting anything?

No, come in, come in.

Colonel?

Good evening, Colonel.

I dropped by with this little housewarming gift.

Oh, how sweet.

Look, Colonel, a gift.

I hope it's a pair of pants.

Gordon, I insist on paying for those slacks.

Oh, don't be silly, Wilbur.

Those were just an old pair of pants, weren't they, dear?

Oh, yes, just an old pair of pants

that happened to match the jacket of my new suit.

It would make Wilbur feel a lot better if you'd let him pay you.

Oh, forget it.

Accidents will happen.

I suppose.

Colonel, isn't it lovely?

Oh, I'm so glad you like it.

Hey, you got a new television set, huh?

Yeah, that's right, Wilbur.

Oh, that's a nice one, isn't it?

That, uh, what kind of picture you got on it?

Well, you sit on the sofa and I'll show you how it works.

We get perfect reception except for channel three.

That comes in a little grainy.

And we see spots like you had on your...

Oh, pardon me, Wilbur.

Oh, it's all right.

Sounds like the trouble is here in your remote control unit.

Your friend Jack Hilliard had the same problem, remember, honey?

Mm-hmm, but he just made a couple of adjustments

and everything was fine.

What kind of an adjustment?

Well, you see, the back comes off here

and then there's a little set screw that you can, you...

Well, look, just take a second, I'll show you.

Well, we'll have this back in no time at all.

Attention!

Right face!

Forward march!

Ah, right!

Ah, right!

Ah, left!

Oh, my goodness, look how late it is.

Well, thank you for a very lovely evening.

Bye!

There's no use, I still hate it.

Operator?

I gotta talk to somebody.

Hello, operator?

Yes, this is the operator.

Hi, honey.

What's new around the phone company?

I beg your pardon, sir?

The name's Ed.

Lonesome Ed.

Sir, I will have to have a number.

Okay, six and seven eighths.

Just picked it out of a hat.

She doesn't want to talk.

Why does she work for the phone company?

Who are you talking to?

The operator.

If I don't find someone to talk to, I'm gonna turn into a dumb animal.

Live alone and like it.

Yeah.

Maybe I should read this.

Ed, you don't have to be lonely.

Why, you've got the gift of speech.

You can go out and talk to anybody you want.

Never.

No one's taking me apart to look for Alan Funt.

That's the way you feel.

The only way you'll be able to talk to people is on the phone or the radio.

Hey, radio, yeah.

I could talk over a short wave, Seth.

Forget it, Ed.

You know how much one of those things costs?

Oh, Wilbur, what's money when you're brightening the life of a lonesome shut-in?

Okay, tell you what.

Tomorrow, I'll spend the whole day with you.

You mean it?

Yeah, move, do anything you want to do.

Well, let's go out and buy me a short wave, Seth.

Stop sending, Ed, because I'm not receiving.

See you tomorrow, fella.

Hiya, neighbor.

Lovely day, huh?

Let me show you how to start.

Oh, no, no, you don't.

Everything you touch turns to scrap metal.

Look, I'm awfully sorry I broke that remote control unit of yours yesterday.

How much did it cost to fix it?

Thirty-eight dollars.

Well, you have my sincere apology.

Will you put that in writing?

Sure, sure.

Good, I'll get a blank check.

No, no, no, if you want to be like that, I've got my own checkbook right here.

I'm very sorry about this whole thing, Gordon.

Oh, forget it, forget it, Wilbur.

You didn't mean any harm.

You never do.

Hey, this is too nice a day to be stuck here mowing a lawn.

Tell you what, let me take you down to my club, huh?

We'll play a little golf, have a little lunch.

Everything will be on me.

Well, that's very generous of you, Wilbur.

My pleasure.

After all, you're more than a new neighbor.

You're a good friend.

Well, in that case, will you do me a favor?

Anything at all, what is it?

Sign this check.

He was gonna spend the day with me.

Again, nobody to talk to.

I'm ordering a short wave set right now.

Carol, this vase is just what I needed for the mantle.

Oh, thank you, Winnie.

It does look nice, doesn't it?

Oh, you certainly have a beautiful house.

Well, after eight years in a trailer, this is heaven.

It's so nice to live in a house where you don't get a ticket for speeding.

All right, so you won five dollars.

Next time, we're gonna raise the bet.

Carol, I'm sorry I'm late.

That's all right, dear.

Did you hear that, Winnie?

And you were worried about the mortgage on this house.

This boy is our own little social security plan.

You had a bad day, huh?

Well, it isn't easy to play against a man who used to be your commanding officer.

Try hitting a golf ball while you're saluting.

Oh, Carol, I have a roast in the oven.

Why don't you and Wilbur stay for dinner?

Oh, no thanks, Winnie.

Wilbur said we were eating out tonight.

Well, we are out.

What time is dinner?

It's practically on the table.

I'll give you a hand, Winnie.

Hey, just in time to catch the fights.

Halt!

All I can give you is my name, rank, and serial number.

Sit down and relax, Wilbur.

I'll get the fights.

Keep your hand off of that remote control.

I hate to seem fussy about this, but it cost me $16 to get that thing fixed.

$16? I gave you a check for $38.

I added the slacks.

Will, you see the clear picture we get on this?

I haven't touched a thing. I'm clean.

You seem to be getting some interference.

Maybe somebody around here is using power tools or something.

Hello, hello.

This is NAG calling anybody.

Come in, anybody.

Roger.

Over and out.

Up and under.

Back and forth.

To and fro.

Name it, but talk.

Can't even get a picture.

You know, sometimes it's a loose connection.

I always hit the side of the set and it's fine again.

Hit the side of the set?

Oh, no, harder.

These things are made of iron.

Well, you got rid of the interference anyway.

What was that noise?

The gelatin I was fixing is still quivering.

Oh, no.

What happened?

We were getting some kind of interference

and Wilbur told me to hit the side of the set.

But not that hard.

Television sets are a very delicate instrument.

Not made of iron, you know.

What kind of interference were you getting, dear?

I don't know.

It sounded like somebody using a power tool

or some electrical equipment of some sort.

Does anybody in the neighborhood have a shortwave set?

No, nobody around here has a...

Excuse me.

Hello, this is NAG calling the world.

Come in, world.

Oh, come in.

Somebody please talk to me.

Gee, I got Japan.

Hello, can you hear me?

I can't understand you.

This is Hamburg.

No, that's not Japanese.

That's Spanish.

Buenos dias, senor.

This is Eduardo, the voice of Americano.

Ole!

Hello, I can't understand you.

Which wave are you on?

Which language are you speaking?

No kidding.

Look, amigo, you got somebody there

who talks the gringo lingo?

And?

Oh, we're a little late, folks.

Oh, good night.

Listen, horse, what do you think you're doing?

Help!

Horse in distress!

SOS!

SPCA!

Stop it!

Hello, did I hear an SOS signal?

I'll see what you started.

Hello, come in.

That was no SOS signal.

That was just a horse clowning around.

A horse clowning around?

I mean, a clown horsing around.

Who am I talking to?

This is KLTM, Liverpool, England.

Do you read me?

Loud and clear.

Let me talk.

It's my set.

This is Los Angeles, California.

How's the weather in Liverpool?

I don't know.

It's so foggy, we can't see it.

Neatest joke, you know.

Wilbur, I want to play with my set.

Actually, it's not too bad.

And we tried to bear up the best we can.

What has the weather been like in Los Angeles?

Well, uh, well, it's, um, it's been a fairly mild winter.

Not too much rain.

Ed, you'll be able to talk in a second.

Oh.

Hi, Gordon.

I was just talking to this man here in Liverpool.

He's a very nice fella.

It had a rough weather they've been having.

But you know the British, they have a stiff upper lip.

Meatloafer wants a stiff upper lip.

So you didn't know what was jamming my television set, huh?

No.

Oh, this?

Oh, look, Gordon.

I can assure you, this goes first thing in the morning.

So will I.

Missed your shortwave, Santa.

I have nothing to say.

That set was the last straw, you know.

Kirkwoods just move in.

Now they're moving out again.

I'm sorry, Wilbur.

I just wanted somebody to talk to.

I know, Ed.

It isn't all your fault.

I hate to see Gordon go.

He's more than just a neighbor.

Right.

He's a nuisance.

He is a nuisance.

He puts up a tough front, but he's really an old softie.

And Winnie and Carol, they're practically in tears.

Stop it, Wilbur.

You're making me feel like a homewrecker.

If there were only some way I could talk him into staying.

Well, you were saying he's really an old softie, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Yesterday at the club, he was reminiscing about the old Air Force days,

and he got all choked up.

No fooling.

You really want him to stay here?

Of course I do.

Why, you got any ideas?

Naturally.

Listen, you just sell him on the old idea

that the old times will be coming back.

Permission to speak, sir.

Permission granted.

What are you doing in that uniform?

I always wear it once a week, sir.

Just for old times sake.

I think those were the happiest years of my life.

Well, mine too.

Heaven knows they're not now.

Oh, take a look at this, sir.

Here.

There's a shot of your old squadron.

And there's your plane.

Do you know how many times the two of us faced death together?

Yes, every time you were my navigator.

I'll never forget that time you...

You wouldn't assign a dangerous mission to any of your men.

You took it yourself.

And when we saw your plane limping home,

one motor shot away, a wing half torn off by...

We just stood there and cried.

For joy.

You did?

Yes, sir.

For a while, we thought we'd lost our...

Big Eagle.

Big Eagle?

That's what we called you, sir.

I thought you called me old chicken head.

Not the officers.

You were our leader.

A man we respected.

I tried to model myself after you.

Modeled yourself after me?

Yes, sir.

And when you moved next door, I...

I had a feeling of security.

Safety, if you will.

A feeling that daddy had come home.

Daddy.

You're a father image to me, sir.

A man I can turn to in times of distress for advice, counsel.

I need you.

Dad?

The Big Eagle, huh?

Now, let's...

Let's just take this sign and throw it away.

The windshield of your car?

Shattered.

Wilbur?

Sir?

You do need me.

It's been a long time since we played hide-and-seek, Wilbur.

But I'll find you.

No, not there.

Ah, I found you.

Darn it.

One, two, three, four, Wilbur.

Okay, I'm it.

Now you go and hide.

Are you kidding?

How about blind man's buff?

Yeah, yeah.

See, it's nice to have my playmate back again.

You know, if your neighbor could ever take your place, Ed,

you know that, don't you?

All right, here we go.

Hey?

Okay, now.

One...

Two...

Three...

Here it comes!

Gotcha!

Gotcha!

Oh, hi, Eagle.

Gordon, what can I do for you, then?

I was going to invite you for c*ck,

but you've had enough.

No, Gordon!

Big Eagle.

Sounds more like a plucked chicken.


A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse.

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed.

This has been a Filmways presentation.