04x15 - Ed the Shish Kebab

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse.

He's always on a steady course. Talk to Mr. Ed.

Well, I guess I got everything for the trip to San Francisco.

Toothbrush, radio, comic books, yeah.

San Francisco, here we come, here we come, here we come.

San Francisco, here we come.

But not with a hungry horse.

I'm gonna pack some lunch.

Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.

Ed, what are you doing?

I'm packing a snack for our trip to San Francisco.

You know, a horse doesn't travel on gas.

I'm sorry, fella, but I can't take you along.

Oh, why not?

Well, this is a magician's convention, and only members are allowed.

Okay, so I'll join.

You can't. You're not a magician.

Then how did you get in?

How long will you be gone?

This'll only be for three days, and Carol's staying home.

But what am I supposed to do while you're gone?

Stand around and twiddle my hooves?

Do what you've always done. You'll sleep, eat, and then you'll go back to sleep again.

You'll sleep, you'll eat, and you'll go back to sleep again.

Come on, in your stall, fella.

Oh.

Come on.

Oh, Wilbur.

You'll have to excuse me, Ed.

Marty Bixby's coming over, and I promised I'd show him a new trick.

Why bother?

He always makes fun of your magic.

Eh? Well, he won't catch on to this one.

You know, I tried this on Leonard next door.

Fooled him completely.

Ah, big deal. A four-year-old kid.

He's five and a half.

And very smart for his age.

I gotta be a magician to go to a magic convention.

He isn't a horse, but he goes to horse shows.

Thanks for coming over, Marty.

Let's, uh, let's see if you can figure this one out.

I'm gonna make the cage disappear.

Well, I have a feeling that it'll be here long after I have disappeared.

Marty, that's not fair.

I think Wilbur has very clever hands.

Yes, it's just too bad that those ten clumsy fingers are attached to them.

Very funny.

Oh, now, now, now, Carol, don't get me wrong.

I like Wilbur. He's a wonderful guy and a great architect.

But when it comes to magic, he should have taken a basket weaving.

Anybody care to see my trick?

All right, all right, Wilbur. Surprise me.

Make it work.

You'll notice I have here an ordinary cage containing an ordinary bird.

At the count of three, I'll make the cage and the bird disappear before your very eyes.

One, two, three.

Four, five, six.

Carol, forget about the basket weaving.

He'd probably weave himself into the basket.

Well, it's been great fun, kids.

No, wait, I'll get the trick in just a minute.

Oh, I'm awfully sorry, Wilbur,

but I made a promise to myself to be in bed before midnight.

You won't laugh like that when I take the trophy away from you this year.

You?

You? You're entering in the contest?

Yeah, yeah.

I got a few tricks up my sleeve.

Well, ten to one, they fall out before you start.

Well, see you in San Francisco, Houdini.

Bye, Carol. Have yourself a nice trip.

Bye, Marty.

Wilbur.

Yeah?

What trick are you going to do in the contest?

Oh, I got the greatest...

This is really a...

I haven't got the slightest idea.

Why did you tell Marty you were going to...

Oh, don't worry. I'll come up with a great trick.

It'll be so great, the judges will have to give me the trophy.

I'll stake my reputation on that as a magician.

But, Wilbur, you don't have a reputation as a magician.

He'd better take me along.

Whatever trick he does, he'll need a horse for a fast getaway.

Wilbur.

Wilbur, why can't I go along to San Francisco?

It don't bother me, huh?

Your little horsey is going to miss you.

It'll only be for three days, little horsey.

Go back in the stall, huh?

You know, we've never been separated, Wilbur.

I'm going to miss you.

Go back in the stall.

Oh, Carol, it's you.

Who did you think it was?

Oh, I thought it was you, and darn if it wasn't.

Wilbur, why can't I go with you?

Honey, it wouldn't be any fun for you.

I'll be up there tied up with all those magicians.

You'll be bored to death.

Oh, no, I won't.

I could visit with my girlfriend, Judy Price.

She was my roommate in college.

And while you're busy with the magic,

Judy and I can go shopping all day.

Shopping?

Mm-hmm.

That'll take a load off my mind and my checkbook.

Oh, Wilbur, I promise I won't spend much.

$10 a day. How's that?

$10?

On my word of honor.

Okay.

Oh, Wilbur.

Thank you, darling.

It'll be like a second honeymoon.

Yeah, just you and me and 400 magicians.

Oh, thanks again, honey.

That's settled. I've still got another problem.

There isn't a trick in this catalog

that sounds different enough to win that trophy.

Oh, there's one.

Sawing a woman in two.

No, that's no good. Ed Ferguson's doing that one.

Who's he going to use, his wife?

No, his two half-sisters.

Swords through the girl.

How does that work?

Swords through the girl.

Well, they put a girl into this wooden box,

and then they shove a half a dozen swords through the side.

And she comes out alive, huh?

No, no, they use a different girl

each time they do the trick.

If only I could come up with some new twist.

Oh, I'm sure you'll think of something, honey.

I've got to go call Judy in San Francisco

and tell her we're coming up.

Calling San Francisco, huh?

There goes your first day's $10.

Swords through the...

I'm done with the girl.

Wilbur, if you can take your wife,

you can take your horse.

You know I love to travel.

Don't bother me, Ed.

Now, what else can we put in that box?

Forget it.

You're not measuring me for a box.

Of course.

Instead of swords, I'll use spears.

I'll get a special box made.

With six handles so they can carry me out.

Nothing will go wrong, believe me.

See, the way it works, you get inside the box,

and I stick the spears through.

And there I am.

Shish kebab.

Oh, you'll be all right, Ed.

I'll get a special carpenter to make the box, you see.

Everything will be measured down to a fraction of an inch.

You'll be as safe as...

Sitting on a deck chair on the Titanic.

Ed.

Ed.

You want to see me top Marty Bixby for once, don't you?

No harpoons for me.

The name is Mr. Ed,

not Moby d*ck.

This is a sensational trick.

Nothing can go wrong, believe me.

Ed, you said yourself you're dying to go to San Francisco.

When I said it, it was just a figure of speech.

I'll call Fred Ricker.

He's the best magic constructionist in the business.

We'll build the box here, then he can ship it to the convention.

I've got a feeling there's gonna be a new song.

I left my horse in San Francisco.

Honey, you find out where the room is.

I told Judy I'd meet her at the coffee shop.

Okay, dear.

Well, Ed, we made pretty good time getting here, huh?

Yeah, and you'll make even better time going back.

How do you figure that?

You'll be pulling an empty horse trailer.

Hey, nothing can go wrong.

Now, look, you stay here, and I'll get you some hay and barley and oats.

And sugar and carrots. How does that sound to you?

Like I'm eating my last meal.

I'd better not eat till after the show.

I want to be nice and skinny when those spears come through.

Well, here it is, Ed. Your box.

Stop calling it my box.

Look at this spear. Isn't that beautiful?

My mother did not raise her son to be a porcupine.

Ed, look, look at me.

Do you think I'd take a chance of hurting you?

No.

If I thought you'd get the slightest scratch, you think I'd put you in that box?

No.

Will you do the trick with me tomorrow night?

No.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen, the illusion you are about to see is called Spears Through the Horse.

And it's being shown for the first time at any magic convention.

The reason why a horse has never been used before...

They couldn't find one stupid enough.

Ed, what are you doing out of the trailer?

I thought I'd get a drink of water before you punched those holes in me.

Oh, you did, huh?

Well, just for that, I'm going to tie you up for the rest of the night.

I figured you'd plan some trick like this.

I can outthink the smartest dumb animal you ever saw.

And I warn you, if I hear one more complaint out of you...

Wilbur.

Don't interrupt.

Hi, Carol.

You must be Judy.

Judy, my husband, Wilbur.

He's the one on the bottom.

Oh, you mean the, uh, the little bear, yes.

Well, you see, I like to start my act off with a laugh.

You see, I'm up here for the magician's convention, and I'm entered in the magic contest.

For the best illusion.

Well, I figured, uh...

Roommates at college, huh?

Yes.

We'd better hurry, Carol.

The store is closed at 5.30.

I'll be back in plenty of time for dinner, Wilbur.

Don't rush, dear.

Spend as much time as you want.

Time, not money.

Well, it was nice meeting you, Wilbur.

It was a pleasure, Judy.

Carol, I was only kidding.

You spend as much money as you want.

Honey?

Ten dollars.

I guess, uh, mink is out.

Thank goodness, the coast is clear.

Well...

This one's mine. The rest are yours.

I promised, Wilbur, I'd only spend ten dollars a day.

How was I to know that my credit card would be good in San Francisco?

I feel so guilty.

Well, whatever you do, don't confess.

Ask for a jury trial and pray for 12 married women.

When Wilbur sees all of this, he'll probably think I'm crazy.

He'll probably divorce me.

So what? You'll probably get custody of all this stuff anyway.

Judy, I'm taking all of this back.

Chicken.

Right down to my pin feathers.

You'll have to break in. The stores are closed.

Then I'll return it first thing in the morning.

Now, where can I hide all this so that Wilbur won't see it?

How about under his top hat?

My closet.

Come on, help me, Judy.

Oh!

I've got to find something to protect me when I'm in that box.

Let's see.

Ah, a mattress.

Oh, I might get hungry and eat it.

Let's see. Let's see.

Ah.

Hey!

Excuse me, sir. I just came in to make up the room.

What's with her?

Acts like she never saw a horse.

Now, what can I get to put in that box?

Let's see.

Ah.

Hey, these packages will make a perfect shield against those spears.

Ladies and gentlemen, before the start of our magic contest,

we have a very special treat for you.

I am proud to introduce to you one of the world's most venerated

and famous showmen, the dean of magicians,

the great Blackstone.

Here we go again.

Are you watching?

While you're watching, this bird in a cage will disappear at the tips of my fingers.

You will not see where it goes.

Hup!

You know, a lot of people have an idea that goes up my sleeve.

If you think so, or you think it's on my body, come and look me over.

Anyone.

Oh, hello.

Thanks.

Your hand, look.

Get a good look.

Out here.

Okay.

Start again.

I tell you what, put your hand in the bottom of the cage.

The bottom, right.

Your other hand on top.

Yes, sir.

You put one hand in the back, and your other in front.

Pressure.

Hup!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Now I know how I should have done that trick.

With Mr. Blackstone's hands.

These are probably beautiful.

Our contest will now get underway with our first contestant, Mr. d*ck Zimmerman,

who will perform for you the Ring on the Rope.

Mr. Zimmerman.

Mr. Luke Derman and his version of Cups and ba*ls.

We have three little white ba*ls and three empty cups.

One.

Two.

Three.

Now watch.

Cover each little white ball with a cup.

I will take the first ball, put it in the pocket,

and the second ball, put it in this pocket.

Now that should leave one in the center.

Right?

And none, well, this one's come back.

Let's put it back in the pocket.

Now this one over here should be empty.

It's come back.

Now, how many do you suppose would be under the center cup?

Let's find out.

Three.

Now, if you take the little white ba*ls and openly put them in the pocket,

they can't be under the cups.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, continuing with our magic contest,

Mr. Marty Bixby and his illusion of the toy dog.

Thank you very much.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, let's see if we can reconstruct this toy poodle.

It already has its body and its back legs.

We put in the right front, the left front,

and now we have to put on the head because how else is it going to say bow wow?

Now we take this beautiful white poodle and we place it into this empty box.

Put up the back flap.

Now the left side.

Now you stay still now, Rover.

We put in the front and then we take the top.

Nothing around it, inside of her.

And here we go.

We wave it once, twice, and we tap twice.

All right, now let's see what we have here.

We take off the top.

We pull off the back.

We pull off the front and the sides, and there is Rover.

Wilbur Post presenting his original illusion, Spears Through the Horse.

Mr. Post.

Excuse me.

Ladies and gentlemen, while my assistant is placing the horse into the box,

I want you to remember one thing.

This illusion, Spears Through the Horse,

is being presented for the very first time on any stage.

Assistant, are we ready to perform our little experiment?

Wilbur, inside the box...

Please, we're on stage. Let's be professional.

As you can see, ladies and gentlemen, this spear is genuine.

It is the same kind used by the Watusi natives of Africa in the spearing of lions.

Ooh!

However, we are not Watusis,

and this noble horse will emerge from the box unharmed.

Ladies and gentlemen, the first spear.

Now, the second spear.

Now, for the third spear.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, the last spear has been removed,

and you shall see this great and noble animal is completely unharmed.

Thank you.

You know, Wilbur, you're a real sport,

letting Carol keep all that stuff she bought up in San Francisco.

Are you kidding?

Oh, I was so happy when they awarded me this trophy.

Why, there's nothing I wouldn't have done for her.

Uh, there was a certain horse that had a little something to do with your success, too.

You're right, Ed.

Well, words will never express my gratitude to you.

Why don't you say it with carriage?

I mean, beat that Marty Bixby.

Oh, he'll never call me a bad magician again.

You see his face when they handed me this trophy?

Yeah, and how about that look on his dog's face?

Yeah.

What are we doing next year, Wilbur?

Oh, I, uh, I got a great idea, Ed.

It'll, um, it'll be a switch on the Houdini escape act,

only I'll do it with a horse.

See, I'll bind you with chains and then seal you in a box

and then drop you in the river.

Ed!

Ed!

It's faded.

Ed, I'm only kidding.

So am I.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And no one can talk to a horse, of course

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. O

Go right to the source and ask the horse

He'll give you the answer that you endorse

He's always on a steady course

Talk to Mr. Ed

People yakety yak a streak

And waste your time a day

But Mr. Ed will never speak

Unless he has something to say

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed

This has been a Filmways presentation.