04x18 - Ed the Donkey

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

You had to wander off the trail.

Just sit on my back, Wilbur, and don't worry, I'll find that trail.

Wilbur? Wilbur!

Wilbur, we'll never find our way home if you don't stop clowning around.

Red, come back here.

Red, I told you to be careful of these low-hanging branches.

I was. Didn't you see me duck under it?

That's very funny.

You know, Carol and the Kirkwoods are going to be very sore at me.

I should have been home a half an hour ago to leave for Sun Valley.

I know, I know.

Oh, you do? Well, I know I never should have taken you to see your mother.

How come you got us lost?

I'm a horse, not a Boy Scout.

You insisted we take this trail. I said take the other trail,

but no, you, you're as stubborn as a mule.

What happened to your sense of direction?

Mules don't have any.

Well, you're a horse, and horses can find their way home even in the dark.

Okay, wait till it gets dark and I'll take you home.

Very funny.

I promised Gordon I'd help him pack the car for the trip.

Now, Ed, where is the trail? Come on, think, think.

I am thinking, I'm thinking.

Uh, I got it.

You got an idea?

Yeah, let's yell for help.

Well, I guess I'm the one who's got to get us out of this mess, huh?

Let's see, now, we know that moss grows on the north side of the tree,

so, um, this must be west, because there's the moss,

and so we will, we'll go this, uh...

Uh, help.

Yeah, let's yell for help.

Help!

Help!

Colonel?

This darn rope is too short.

Where's Wilbur? He's supposed to be here to help.

Colonel?

He knows that we should have left a half hour ago.

Colonel!

Wait till I finish.

There, now.

All right, Winnie, what is it?

You tied me to the car.

How'd you get your arm up there?

Well, you told me to hold the luggage in place.

Winnie, why didn't you say something?

Well, I tried to, but you kept telling me not to interrupt.

That's why now I've got to retie that knot.

You'd better.

I refused to run alongside the car for 900 miles.

Now, wait.

Now, take it easy, and, and...

No, Winnie, don't pull on that rope.

All right, dear.

All right.

I hated to bother you, dear, but it seemed important.

Well, this is the last of my things.

Oh, no.

All I have left is a teeny-weeny wardrobe trunk.

Wait a minute.

What about those four suitcases you girls already have in the car?

Those are our day clothes.

These are our evening clothes.

Where shall I put them, Gordon?

Back in your closet.

We're going skiing, not to start a fashion show.

But Winnie and I don't even know how to ski.

So why don't we go to Palm Springs?

Now, we've been all through that.

We took a vote.

It's unanimous.

We're going to Sun Valley.

But only you and Wilbur voted.

I think they closed the polls when we shopped for Palm Springs.

Indeed, you girls are going to love Sun Valley.

Where is Wilbur?

We'll never get started at this rate.

Come on, Carol.

Let's find someplace in the car.

You might try squeezing him in the gas tank.

Look, Carol, there's plenty of room in the back seat.

Oh, Wilbur.

Colonel, I'm awfully sorry.

It was really my fault.

I should have left you tied to the car.

With all the darn fool things to do.

Hiya, folks.

Sorry I'm late getting back.

Wilbur, where have you been?

You were supposed to have been home an hour ago.

I had to do everything myself.

What did you do?

You haven't even packed the car yet.

It was my fault.

It was until the demolition squad took over.

Honey, you promised you'd be back by 11 o'clock.

Oh, well, see, what happened is,

and I'm very sorry,

but Ed wandered off the trail and we got lost.

We'd have been out there yet if these campfire girls

hadn't heard us calling for help.

Us?

Us. Me.

I was yelling and Ed was whinnying.

I didn't think horses ever got lost.

Neither did I.

Aren't they supposed to have a natural sense of direction?

Well, not Ed, see.

He doesn't have that quality.

It has something to do with heredity.

Maybe he's part jackass.

Excuse me.

Look,

I know you're upset, Gordon,

but that was not a nice thing to say.

That was a terrible thing,

calling me part jackass.

Don't let it bother you, Ed.

No, I won't.

It was a plain lie.

I am a genuine horse.

You bet you are.

Uh, Wilbur.

What is it, Ed?

I'm not letting you leave town

till we find out

am I a horse or am I a jackass?

I'm going to get the tally-h* stablist

to pick you up and save time.

Hold it, Wilbur.

Huh?

Put the phone down.

You've got to tell me once and for all.

Sure thing, Ed. What's on your mind?

Now the truth, Wilbur.

Am I a horse or am I a jackass?

Am I part jackass?

Ed, are you still harping on that?

Gordon only said that

because he was angry.

Well, when we were lost,

you said I was stubborn as a mule.

Oh.

Well, I was angry, too.

I don't know.

The evidence against me is piling up.

Ed, stop worrying.

If I'm all horse,

how come I don't have a natural sense

of direction?

Well, that's...

that's because you're different.

I mean, you're the only horse who can talk.

Right now,

all I feel like saying is

hee-haw.

Don't be silly.

Your father and your mother

are full-blooded Palominos.

You know that. I'm going to call the stables.

How about my grandfolks?

Well, according to your papers,

your father's parents are Palominos

and on your maternal side,

your grandmother was also a Palomino.

And how about mom's father?

Well,

there isn't much information on him.

He was sold to a prospector.

Ha-ha!

Don't go imagining things.

A prospector

goes prospecting with three things.

A pick, a shovel,

and a jackass.

That's not true.

A lot of them use horses.

Now, I've got to phone the stables

to pick you up.

Oh, and for goodness' sake.

Wilbur, tell me the truth.

Was I left on your doorstep

by a donkey?

You don't look anything like a donkey.

They've got short tails.

You've got a long tail.

They've got short manes.

You've got a long mane.

They've got great big long ears and...

Well, your ears aren't exactly short.

They're just normal.

Yeah, for a jackass.

Honey,

we're all ready.

Carol and the Kirkwoods

are waiting in the car.

We should have started for Sun Valley an hour ago.

Now, I am going to phone the stables.

I don't want

to be in that stable with all

those horses.

Why not?

Horses make fun of us donkeys.

I'll say

hi, fellas, and they'll say

hee haw.

I know how horses are, Wilbur.

I used to be one.

You still are, Ed.

What can I do to prove it to you?

Well, look.

Take me to the vet.

If he says I'm all horse,

then you can leave me at the stables

and go away.

Okay, Ed.

Boy,

when you get an idea in your head,

you can be as stubborn as a...

As a what?

A chipmunk.

Hee haw.

Okay, okay.

What's keeping him so long?

He's probably kissing that horse goodbye.

Want me to go get him?

Oh, no, no. Don't open this door.

If you did, I'd have to repack this whole car.

I'll go get him.

Wilbur, for Pete's sake.

Oh, look, I'm sorry, Gordon.

Well, are we all packed and ready for Sun Valley?

We certainly are.

Good. I'll be with you in an hour or two.

An hour or two?

Well, yeah, see, I've got to run Ed over to the vet.

Why? What's the matter with him?

Well, Ed seems to have a little problem.

I don't know how to...

Oh, yes, it's something personal.

What do you mean, personal?

Well, it's between Ed and his doctor, that's all.

I mean, you know, don't ask me what it is.

These doctors, they never discuss a patient's problem

with anybody but the patient.

Oh, you mean he'll only tell the horse what's wrong.

Yeah.

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Excuse me. Come on.

Wilbur, why are you holding us up?

We should have been on our way two hours ago.

Well, it's not my fault.

You were the one who called him a jackass, remember?

I called who a jackass?

Him.

Oh, look, I'm sorry, Gordon.

I couldn't help you pack the car,

but it looks like you did a swell job.

Sir. Yeah.

Oh!

I'll be back before you get the car packed.

Colonel,

is it all right if we get out of the car

and stretch our legs a little?

Good afternoon.

Oh, nurse.

I'll be right with you.

Thank you.

Hi.

What happened to your hand, doctor?

Oh, thank goodness you're back, Linda.

This office has been a madhouse.

Here, let me do that for you.

Oh, thank you.

A woman came in with a Mexican hairless.

Wanted me to take care of her.

I wouldn't know if I gave scalp treatments.

You're kidding.

Right after that, a man came in with a nearsighted cat.

Oh, no. How did he know his cat was nearsighted?

He said it kept stepping into mousetraps.

What did he expect you to do for his cat?

Fit it with glasses?

You're close. Contact lenses.

That still doesn't explain

what happened to your hand.

Well, the nearsighted cat started chasing the Mexican hairless.

And then the woman who owned the dog

began chasing the man who owned the cat.

When I tried to break it up, I got bitten.

By the dog?

No, by the woman.

I tell you, Linda,

I've had every kook in the valley in here today.

Well, you can relax, doctor.

The man waiting outside looks very normal.

Thank goodness for that.

Send him in, please.

Will you come in, please?

Thank you, nurse.

Hello, doctor.

Sorry.

My name is Wilbur Post.

I'd like you to take a look at my horse.

Fine, fine. What seems to be the trouble?

Well, before we go outside,

I'd like to talk to you alone.

You want the nurse to leave?

Oh, no, no, no. She can stay.

I just don't want to talk in front of my horse.

Why, Mr. Post?

Why can't we talk in front of your horse?

Well, you see,

he knows when people are talking about him.

As a matter of fact,

my neighbor said something about him,

and I said something about him.

Neither of us meant anything by it,

and there wasn't a word of truth in it.

But, doctor,

do you know a jackass when you see one?

Yes, Mr. Post.

I deal with him practically every day.

Good, good.

Now, can you tell just by looking at my horse

whether he's pure palomino or part donkey?

This even tops

the nearsighted cat.

Now, why do you think

your horse might be part donkey?

Well, I don't think he is.

No, no, no. He does.

He...

Who's he?

He...

Well, you see,

my horse just has been doing things

that aren't strictly horse, you see.

I mean, like, he has no sense of direction.

When we go riding,

he gets lost.

Why don't you buy a compass?

Do you think you'd learn to read one?

Mr. Post,

why are you here?

I told you. I want you to take a look at my horse

and tell me if he's a horse.

All right.

He's a horse.

That'll be $10, please.

Fine. Would you mind saying it a little bit louder?

All right.

That'll be $10, please.

No, no, no. The part about his being a horse.

I'll give you $15 if you put it in writing.

Mr. Post.

Something like, in my professional opinion,

this horse is pure palomino without a trace of donkey blood.

Fine, Mr. Post.

And in my professional opinion,

I've never seen a bigger jackass.

Thank you.

Ed, your worries are over.

The doctor said you are definitely a horse.

He did not.

He said he never saw a bigger jackass.

He meant me.

Well, you're just saying that

so you can stick your little donkey in a stable

and go away to Sun Valley.

That's not true. You are not a donkey.

Hee-haw.

Now stop it.

It just slipped out.

Oh, Wilbur, do me a favor.

Now what do you want?

Take me to a mule farm.

Mule farm? What for?

Well, I can mix with the mules

and see if I belong.

You know what they say, donkeys of a feather.

The Kirkwoods and Carroll are annoyed at me

for keeping them waiting this long.

Now, I haven't got time to take you to a mule farm.

Come on, let's go home.

No. Ed, now cut this out.

Oh, Wilbur, please take me

to a mule farm.

I want to be with my people.

Hee-haw.

Hee-haw.

Hee-haw.

This is a waste of time.

You're a hundred percent horse.

Believe me.

I'll let them decide.

See if they accept me in the herd.

And if they do, what does that prove?

It'll prove you're the proud owner of a jackass.

Okay, go ahead, mingle, mingle.

Hi, mister. Can I help you?

Oh, yes, hello.

I was wondering if you'd do me a favor.

What do you want?

Well, would you let my horse visit with your mules for a few minutes?

Why?

Oh, he just wants to mingle.

Why doesn't he mingle with horses?

Well, you see, he doesn't think he is a horse.

What does he think he is, a cow?

No, a mule.

That is, he thinks he's part mule.

Of course, I don't agree with him.

Agree with who?

With my horse.

You see, the only way he can find out for sure

is to let him mingle with your mules.

It's the herd instinct.

That way he'll soon find out that he doesn't belong

and that he's a horse and not a mule.

Mister,

what do you got against mules?

Nothing, nothing.

No, I think they're fine animals.

Then why are you worried about him being a mule?

No, I'm not, I'm not.

No, it's just that he's been a horse for so long

well, it'll be a little hard for him to change,

don't you think?

You know what I think?

What?

You ought to get out there and mingle with those mules.

Hi, fellas.

Yeehaw.

I say, yeehaw.

Haw-hee.

Hee-hee-haw.

Ed, how you doing?

Yeah, they're pretty stupid.

Can't even talk their own language.

Well, Ed, come on.

Well, this should prove to you

you don't belong with the mules.

And I don't belong with horses, either.

I'm just a four-legged whatchamacallit.

Maybe I ought to ask my mother

if we have any long-eared skeletons

in our family closet.

Ed, I am taking you to the stable

so I can make that trip to Sun Valley.

Let's go. Come on.

Yeah.

Well, look, I'm awful sorry

to have kept you waiting like this,

but I'll let you know what's happening.

Ed has had a slight emotional problem.

But he'll be all right in a couple of days,

and then it's off to Sun Valley.

A couple of days?

Yeah, well, if you want to leave earlier,

we can take separate cars.

That's right.

We'll go in separate cars

to separate resorts

in separate countries.

Wilbur, you can stay home with your horse.

I am going to Palm Springs.

Now, Wilbur,

you cannot back out of the trip now.

It's no fun going someplace

with just my wife.

Oh!

I didn't mean it the way it sounded.

Carol, shall we start packing

for Palm Springs?

Why pack?

We can buy whole new outfits there.

So like it. Come on.

We'll take our car.

They're just putting on a big show.

Big act for our benefit.

What are they going to do

in Palm Springs without us?

Sit around the pool all day

trying to have fun.

And in the evening,

watching a floor show or something.

Dancing and whining and dining.

They're going to have a ball, aren't they?

Wilbur,

I never met a man I didn't like

until right now.

Hi, Gordon.

Hi.

I hope you're hungry.

I know how you like pizza.

And I went out and I bought us a...

Oh, Gordon.

I'm sorry.

We've got to get that up,

because that tomato stuff stained it.

Oh, gee.

Here, quick, hold this.

I'll get that right away.

Quickly.

Let me operate.

Quickly, we'll get that all taken care of.

Just a touch.

It's kind of...

Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry.

We'll get that cleaned. I'll pay for the whole thing.

And don't worry about the broken vase,

because I'll take care of that, too. I'll pay for everything.

I'll get it.

Excuse me, Gordon.

Hi, Wilbur. I'm here at my mother's,

and guess what?

What?

She told me I'm all wh*res.

Oh, that's swell.

What?

The prospector bought your grandfather

and a mule.

That's right.

Mom says Grandpa was a beautiful hunk of horse.

Just like me.

Well,

look, I hate to say I told you so,

but I told you so.

All right.

Well, see you later, fella.

Bye.

Sorry, Gordon, I...

Oh!

What?

You shouldn't sit around

in these wet clothes. While you're upstairs changing,

I'll go out and get us another pizza, huh?

What would you like, plain

or with cheese and anchovies?

Or... King John!

Howard Face! Howard Hutch!

Very nice sliced sausage

they got. Tomato!

Good thing they got minestrone

they can put in the garden, please.

Out! Out!

Out! And don't try

to come back!

Well, we're back.

Oh, I'm...

I'm glad. Say,

I was hoping you girls would change your mind.

We drove all the way to Palm Springs, then we turned around.

Really missed us, huh?

Yes, we did. Also, it was raining cats

and dogs. Come on, I'll get you some coffee.

Oh, well, you go ahead.

We'll join you later.

All right. Won't Gordon be surprised?

Oh, Winnie, I'm sorry.

I thought it was...

Come on, Carol.

Well, these lovebirds have a lot of making up to do.

Ed, you're beautiful.

Ha ha ha!

From the tip of your long tail

to the top of your short little ears

you are all horse.

Come on, Ed.

We leave for Sun Valley in an hour

and I've got to get you over to the stables.

Okay, buddy boy.

Gee, it's great to be a horse,

Wilbur. You ought to try

it sometime. I'm glad you got

over all that nonsense about being part donkey.

I still can't figure

out how come I don't have a

natural sense of direction.

Ed, last night you ran



dark and you didn't have any trouble.

How did you do it? Simple.

I stopped trying to think

like a human and just used my brains.

Come on, fella.

A horse is a horse.

A horse is a horse, of course.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

and no one can talk to a horse, of course

that is, of course, unless

the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask

the horse. He'll give you the answer that

you endorse. He's always on a

steady course. Talk to Mr. Ed.

People yackety-yack

a streak and waste your time

a day, but Mr. Ed

will never speak unless he has

something to say. A horse is

a horse, of course, of course, and this one

will talk to his voice, his horse. You never

heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed.

This has been a Filmways presentation.