04x23 - Ed the Musician

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course. Talk to Mr. Ed.

Oh, I'm falling.

Help, Wilbur. Catch me.

Help!

Gee, what a nightmare.

My little heart feels like it's doing a twist.

I can use some fresh air.

Whoops. That's enough air.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the scaredest horse of all?

You are, chicken.

I'd better call Wilbur.

Here.

Two frightened heads are better than one.

This is ridiculous, waking me up in the middle of the night just because you happen to have a nightmare.

No sense calling you in the morning, because by then it's gone.

I'm surprised at you.

You're acting like a scared baby. Remember, you are eight years old.

Make that eleven. I aged three years tonight.

What was this bad dream all about?

Oh, Wilbur, it was awful.

There I was, falling off this high cliff, and there you were, standing at the bottom, waiting to catch me.

What's so terrible about that?

You dropped me.

How could I catch you? You're a horse. You weigh 800 pounds.

In my dream, you weighed 8,000.

Let me get to sleep, will you, Ed?

Wilbur, you could have caught me instead of letting me drop on my head.

Ed, it was just a bad dream. You didn't drop.

Then how come I woke up with a headache?

Everybody has a nightmare once in a while.

But I've been having them all week, at all hours, ten o'clock, eleven o'clock.

No kidding.

And tonight, my head ran a late, late show.

Maybe you went to sleep with a full stomach.

That's the only kind I've got.

That's what it was. You were watching television and rating the feed box during the commercials.

I don't know what it is, Wilbur, but I'm scared.

Stay with me, will you, buddy boy? Please?

Ed, Ed, it is three in the morning. If Carol wakes up and finds me missing, she'll be worried.

I'm falling off cliffs and she's worried.

You are not falling off cliffs. Now, look at me.

No.

Ed, will you look at me?

No.

Ed, look me in the eye.

Now, repeat after me. It was just a bad dream.

Just a bad dream.

It didn't really happen.

It didn't really happen.

Now, I'm going to go to sleep and have a good dream.

I'm gonna go to sleep, fall off a cliff, and you're gonna drop me.

Ed.

Butterfingers.

Wilbur.

Morning, darling.

Morning.

Good.

Dear Sleepyhead,

went to ladies' club meeting with Kay.

Make your own breakfast.

Love, guess who?

Can't be Ed. That's Carol's handwriting.

May I join you?

Or is this a private pajama party?

Excuse me, Paul.

I'm sorry, Paul. I was up with Ed till six o'clock this morning.

What's the matter? Is the horse sick?

Got nightmares.

Oh, it's too bad.

The horse has nightmares?

Yeah. Well, you see, he didn't get much sleep last night

because he kept waking up in the middle of the night.

And, you know, you can't get much...

Would you like some breakfast?

Wilbur, how do you know when the horse has nightmares?

Oh, well, that's easy. He won't...

He never seems to...

You sure you don't want any breakfast?

Wilbur, my sister left something for me in the refrigerator.

She did?

A note saying, eat out.

Hi, early bird.

Oh, Wilbur, guess what?

What?

Our club is giving a benefit show,

and who do you think they made chairman of the entertainment committee?

Well, give me a hint. Is it somebody in this room?

Right.

Wonderful. I'll try to do a good job.

Got any ideas for the show, dear?

Oh, honey, we have big plans.

Kay said that her brother would play the piano and she'd sing along with him.

You know, she studied music before she got married.

Yeah, that's right.

And, honey, your magic act went over so great last year,

I thought I'd put you down for a repeat, okay?

Sure, sure.

Let's see. I'll start off with the cut and restored necktie,

then a few card tricks,

then the changing silks, the cups and ba*ls routine,

the dove production,

a few mental illusions, and my vanishing trick.

Oh, and we'll call the act A Weekend with Wilbur Post.

Honey, I only put you down for five minutes.

Five? I can't do a whole act in five minutes.

What, do you think I am a magician?

I'll get it.

Five minutes?

Five minutes.

Hello?

You'd better come out here, Wilbur.

I just had another nightmare.

Not now.

Who is it, Wilbur?

Uh, it's Mr. Not Now, Jim Not Now.

He's an Indian, a client of mine.

He wants some changes made and some plans.

I'll get on that right away, J.N.

See you later.

How?

Carol, if you want me, I'll be out in the barn.

Better start getting your magic act together.

We don't have too much time.

Oh, don't worry. I've got some great tricks.

A Weekend with Wilbur Post.

Not bad, not bad.

What is this about another nightmare?

I took a little nap,

and then all of a sudden I had this awful dream.

What happened in the dream?

You ought to know. You were in it.

And if you don't tell me, I can't help you.

Well, we were both taking a bath

in this great big tub in Japan.

Japan? How do you know it was Japan?

Well, this little filly who was scrubbing my back,

her name was Fujiyama.

Well, that certainly isn't Italian, is it?

Go ahead.

Well, Fuji and me, we seem to belong together

like Suki and Yaki.

That sounds like a nice dream.

It was till you had to put in your two yen.

What did I do?

Ed, she's not for you, you said.

She's east and you're west.

I want to get married,

and you're giving me compass reading.

All right, so in the dream we had a little argument.

Next thing I know, you're holding my head underwater.

Come on, Ed, you know it was only a dream.

You know I love you.

Last night you pushed me off a cliff.

Today you drown me.

This kind of love could k*ll a horse.

This is a problem for a psychoanalyst.

Ed, we've got to find out what's troubling you.

Oh, nothing doing.

You know I talk only to you,

and if this keeps up, I might stop that, too.

Wait a minute. I know.

I'll go to the analyst.

I'll tell him these are my dreams.

Then when he advises me, I'll be able to tell you what to do.

Oh, gee.

Once that analyst gets you on his couch,

I may never see you again.

Now, Mr. Post, let me try and understand.

You say that in your dreams you're a horse.

Yeah, that's right.

I have four legs, a tail.

I eat oats, grass, apples.

I love apples.

I eat them by the barrel.

But only in your dreams when you're a horse.

Oh, I like them when I'm awake, too.

I understand.

Now, Mr. Post, you realize that while you're talking to me,

you're a human being.

Oh, sure. I'm an architect.

Good.

Now, uh, where is your office, Mr. Post?

In a barn.

But I thought you said that you were a horse only in your dreams.

That's right.

Then why do you work in a barn?

Because that's where my office is.

Well, let's get back to your dream.

Now, you say you were standing on a cliff.

Yeah, well, actually, I was, uh,

I was sort of trotting along, nibbling the grass,

kicking my heels in the air, whistling at the fillies,

just goofing off the way.

E-e-e-excuse me?

Are you married?

Yes.

To a woman?

Naturally.

What else, a horse?

Good.

Uh, do you, uh, do you find your wife attractive?

I sure do.

Especially since I made her get rid of that ponytail.

Let's get back to your dream.

Now, you're a horse,

and, uh, you're falling.

Yeah.

Well, just as I was about to land on my master's arms,

he stepped back and let me fall on my head.

And then you woke up.

Of course.

If I hadn't, I'd be a dead horse.

Doctor, could you tell me what these dreams mean?

Well, now, let's see.

Uh, in your Japanese dream,

you say that your master was holding your head underwater.

Is that right?

Yes, but he didn't mean anything by it.

I mean, the master loves me.

I-I mean, I love me.

I-I love me.

I-I don't...

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Calm down.

Now, Mr. Post, you must try to understand

that our-our basic emotions are separated by a very thin line.

Now, it's quite possible to love and hate someone at the same time.

But I don't hate him.

Shh, shh, shh. I'm right here.

Doctor, you've got to tell me,

is there any way that I can get rid of his... my nightmares?

Mr. Post, it's very obvious that you're suffering

from a variety of inner conflicts

that are all bottled up inside of you.

Now, what we must do is pull the cork out of the bottle.

My horse never touches the stuff.

I-I don't, uh, I don't, uh, ever...

No, no, no. You must understand,

we've got to try to find some outlet

to give vent to your emotions.

Uh, some, uh, hobby, perhaps.

Hobby?

Oh, yes, something constructive.

Oh, uh, say, taking up a musical instrument.

Uh, the violin?

No, he could never get that under his chin.

Who?

My horse.

Ed?

Ed, look at me.

Ed, why don't you look at me? I'm trying to help you.

You hate me.

Now, Ed, you stop saying that.

Ed.

Now, look.

Ed.

I don't hate you.

If you just look into my eyes,

you'll see that I don't.

The analyst said you hate me.

Will you be reasonable?

Look, I just gave you a great big lunch

of carrots, molasses, sugar.

See, if you think I mean to hurt you,

why did you eat it?

Because I can't afford a food taster.

You know what the doctor thinks, Ed?

He says you may have some inner conflicts

bottled up inside of you,

and what we've got to do

is pull the cork on the bottle.

Swell.

I need sleep,

and he's telling me to get loaded.

He wants you to get some outlet for this emotion,

you know, like a hobby, maybe.

Fine.

I'll take up square dancing.

There's lots of things you can take up.

Like what?

Name one.

Well, uh,

it's nice weather now.

You like boating.

Or, look, skin diving.

Just what I've been doing.

What?

Every time I have a nightmare,

I dive out of my skin.

How about stamp collecting?

Hey, you could spend many happy hours

licking stamps, pasting them in a little book.

No, I'd get hungry one day

and eat up my whole collection.

Ed.

Ever try sticking a magnifying glass

down a horse's throat?

Not lately, no.

Well, let's see, what else can we do?

Oil painting.

Hey, you may have a lot of talent with a brush.

No, I need my tail for chasing away flies.

You don't have to use your tail to paint.

I don't have any hands, remember?

I'm only trying to help you.

I'm only trying to pull a cork out of the bottle for you.

Fishing.

Hey, fish, you'd love that.

You could fish all day long.

No, that's ridiculous.

A horse using a worm to catch a fish.

Gotta find something you like to do.

Look, Ed, what do you like to do best of all?

I like to sleep.

It used to be my favorite hobby.

It wasn't your hobby, it was your profession.

Till you put me out of business.

I did not.

The doctor said you hate me, Wilbur.

Why do you hate your little horsey?

I don't hate you.

Why don't you take the doctor's advice and get yourself a hobby?

Well, what did he suggest?

He suggested music.

Oh, swell.

Buy me a piano, then.

I'll bet they laugh when I sit down to play.

You don't have to play the piano.

You could play a harmonica.

You can borrow my harmonica.

No, thanks.

With my nightmares, the only instrument in my future is a harp.

You're bitter, Ed.

You're very bitter.

See you later, Ed.

I'm going to rehearse my magic.

Oh, and then afterwards, I want to hear Kay practice her song.

Her brother tells me she has a beautiful voice.

If you're hinting for me to take up singing, forget it.

I sound like a mezzo barracuda.

Well, if you change your mind, my harmonica's in the desk.

Hmm, harmonica.

I wonder if it would help.

Well, like the hungry horse said when he stuck his head in the feed bag,

sometimes you gotta grasp at straws.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Deep as the sea

That's how a true love should be

And such a love as mine is

as timeless as forever.

Just like the swell of the tide,

and suddenly how deep is

the rapture that I feel

here inside.

Wild as the ocean,

for a while we thrill,

then at last all is still.

Then I'm alone,

as every star fades above

to linger in the spell of

the wild and thunderous,

warm and wondrous rapture

of your love.

Okay, I never dreamed you could sing so wonderfully.

Ta-da! Here comes the great Wilberini.

There goes the late, great Paul Fenty.

As you see, ladies and gentlemen,

I have here an ordinary pitcher

filled with ordinary milk from an ordinary cow,

which I shall pour into this ordinary trick hat,

a derby hat.

There we go.

Okay, Houdini, what's the trick?

The trick? The hat is empty!

And we have to...

Oh, I forgot to put the cover over the...

Oh, the joke is on me.

You have a psychopathic sense of humor.

I better dry him off before he curdles.

Oh, no.

What's the matter, honey?

Oh, I just had a wild idea that...

Nah, I couldn't.

How could he push it back and forth?

How could he push what back and forth?

I agree with you, he couldn't.

What do you know? I feel better already.

Bet I won't have any nightmares tonight.

Think I'll call a music company

and rent a few more instruments.

Guess Pat's gonna be jumping tonight, daddy-o.

I'm sorry.

Terrific, Ed. A one-horse band, huh?

You don't see Leonard Bernstein directing.

Where'd you get these instruments?

You've got very good credit in this town, Wolver.

Well, as long as it helps you get rid of the nightmares.

It sure did. I took a nap this afternoon

and I slept like a newborn colt.

Aw, gladfella.

Carol!

Who in the world is making all the racket at this hour?

Hey, they're coming.

How am I gonna explain all this noise?

Carol?

Carol, is he murdering someone in there?

Well, Wilbur might be playing the radio in the barn.

At two in the morning?

Carol, did you marry Wilbur during the w*r?

There must have been a shortage of some kind.

Wilbur!

What on earth are you doing?

Well, you didn't seem to like my magic act in your show,

so I thought I'd work up a music act.

Two o'clock in the morning?

Come on, Kay, this might be catching.

Good night's sleep?

Oh, yeah. I had such a beautiful dream,

it should have been in color on a wide screen.

You're kidding. Was I in it?

Yep. You kept stuffing me with sugar, molasses,

carrots, and imported oats.

I was so full I could hardly get up.

Well, I'm glad those bad dreams are over, Ed.

Just one thing.

When you play your harmonica at nights,

try to keep it down.

Oh, I've given up the harmonica.

You mean, no more music?

I didn't say that.

Then what are you getting at, Ed?

What?

Rudy Vallee rides again.

Yackety-yack, a streak can waste your time a day,

but Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course,

and this one will talk till his voice is hoarse.

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed.

This has been a Filmways presentation.