06x01 - Ed the Counterspy

[bunniefuu]

[HORSE NEIGHING]

Hello, I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ ♪That is, of course
unless the horse is the famous
Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer
that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always
on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed. ♪

Hey, Wilbur, it's early
and nobody's around.

Let's rest
and play a little game.

What game?

How about hide and seek?

Oh, no.
Remember last time?

I couldn't find you,
I had to take a taxi home.

Oh, come on.

Not today, Ed.
My Father-in-law's
flying in today,

and you know I have
to be at home to greet him.

Why? You know how much
he hates you.

He does not.

Then why are you always so
nervous when he's around?

Well, I guess because I know
how much he hates me.

All right, we'll play one
little game. What'll it be?

How about pitching
horseshoes?

Ed, where are we gonna get
horseshoes out here?

What do you think I'm wearing,
ballet slippers?

Forgot. Forgot.

Okay, there's
a place up ahead.
Come on.

Ah, we're tied now, Ed.

But this is the one
that's going to beat you.

[LAUGHS]

Watch it, Ed.
A ringer.

ED: Man overboard!

Wise guy, huh?

Just for that,
you're going home without
one of your shoes.

Not me. The name's Ed,
not Cinderella.

Father-in-law visiting,
horse cheating.

This just
isn't my day.

[SPEAKING WITH ACCENT]
Next drop, 1:00 this afternoon.

I must be dreaming.
If I had fingers,
I'd pinch myself.

Wilbur!

Stop worrying, Ed.
Look, I found your shoe.

Wilbur, the park's
full of spies! Quick!
Do something!

Let's start back.
Carol's father must have
arrived by now.

Wilbur, this lady
dropped a paper.

Then the man in
the white jacket picked it up.

Then this hand came
out of the bush and took it.

Something's cooking,
and it ain't lasagna!

You just never stop kidding,
do you?

Kidding?
Oh, never mind.

I'll crack
that spy ring alone.

Ed...

The name's not Ed.

From now on it's
Number Oat Oat Seven.

Come on.
Slip into these.

Gee, it's nice having you back
so soon, Dad.

Why don't you
visit us more often?

I can answer that
with one word-- Wilbur.

Dad, Wilbur is
a wonderful man.

If only you would take
the time to try to know him.

Why?

Dad, here comes Wilbur now.

Please try to be friendly
with him, for my sake.

Yeah, I'll try to.

- Hi, dear,
I'm sorry I'm late.
- Hi, honey.

Well! My favorite
Father-in-law!

Hi, Dad,
welcome to your home.

Uh, thanks.
It's nice to be here.

Well, it's almost as nice
having you here.

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

Well, I guess
I'd better start lunch.

I know you two
have a lot to talk about!

- Sit down, Wilbur.
- Yeah.

Excuse me.

Well, I hope you had
a nice flight out here.

- Ow!
- Oh, sorry!

That was an accident.
Believe me.

I'll try to.

Yeah, over here.

Well!

I, uh, I was reading
in the paper

that the farmers
are expected another

wheat surplus this year.
Big one. Yeah.

It's too bad about this
population expl*si*n.

I mean, it would be all
right, except for all
the people involved.

The way this space program
is going,

I bet you it'll be no time
at all before they'll have
a man on the moon.

Oh, sure.

Isn't that thrilling?
I'd give anything

to be that first man
up there on the moon!

Well, I sincerely hope
you get your wish.

[PHONE RINGING]

Excuse me.

Hello?

What are we going to do
about those spies, Wilbur?

Look, you're not
supposed to call me here.

James Bond would be
in that park now with
both g*ns blazing.

And kissing a redhead
at the same time.

I'm not interested
in a redhead!

Uh... A fella wants to sell
me a c*ck spaniel.

It's got a red head.

I'm not interested.

If you won't help me,
I'm going back in those woods

and catch those spies
myself.

You wait there!
I'll be right out!

Uh, look, Dad.
I can't have lunch with you.
I'll see you at dinner.

A redhead?

Where's Wilbur going?

Lunch is almost ready.

My poor daughter.

If only he was of draft age.

You said this beautiful lady
would be here at 1:00.

It's exactly 1:00 now.

Yeah, take a look.

All right, she's here.
So what?



All right.
She threw a piece of paper
on the ground.

That doesn't make her a spy.

Just a litter bug.

Who'd she say "6:00"
to, a squirrel?

See? He picked up
the paper.

Why not?
That's his job.

Go ahead and rush 'em,
Wilbur!

You have but one life
to give to your country.

Yeah, but I'm not
giving it here.

There's no question
in my mind, Mr. Slattery.

That bridle path is
a rendezvous for a ring
of spies.

You still haven't given us
much to go on, Mr. Post.

Well, there was that girl
on the horse and the
paper-picker-upper,

and that hand that came
out of the bushes.

Not once, but twice.

You saw it once before?

Uh, well, no,
not exactly.

How do you know
it happened twice?

Well, I heard it from someone
who was there the first time.

Why don't you sit down,
Mr. Post.

Thank you.

His name, please?

Huh?
Whose name?

The one who saw it
happen the first time.
What's his name?

Oh. Oh, yeah,
uh... Ed.

Ed what?

Just Ed.

Doesn't he
have a second name?

- No.
- Why not?

He's a horse.

You say that your horse
saw these spies the first time?

Yes, sir.

How do you know
what your horse saw?

Well, if he saw it,
that's good enough for me.

I don't doubt my horse.

Why should you doubt him?

Were you with your horse at
the time he saw these spies?

Well, not exactly.

What do you mean,
"not exactly"?

I was... In the bushes,
looking for his shoe.

And how did your horse's
shoe get in the bushes?

Do I have
to answer that, sir?

Oh, yes.

How did your
horse's shoe get in the
bushes, Mr. Post?

I pitched it there.

I hope you're not
gonna ask me who I was
playing with.

I'm afraid to.

Mr. Post, are you sure
that you feel all right?

Mr. Slattery, I know exactly
what you're thinking,

but believe me,
there are spies out there,

and they're meeting again
at 6:00.

And I'm going to
be there and catch them!

Why don't I just
call your house

and have someone
come and get you?

No, no.
Look, forget it.
I'll go.

But I want you to know that
I'm just as sane as you are.

And that goes
for my horse.

Daddy, no matter
how late Wilbur is,

I still don't believe
that story about a redhead.

Sweetheart, I paid
for your wedding.

I'd be glad to pay
for your trip to Reno.

And the champagne party
afterward.

Dad, Carol, I just popped in
to tell you

I can't stay for dinner.
Sorry.

Uh, we've kept your room
at home just the way
you left it, honey.

There is only
one problem, Ed.

The Secret Intelligence
won't act unless we can dig up
some more evidence.

Like who that woman rider is,
who she's working for,

and what sort of information
is she passing along?

Wait! There is someone
who can tell us all that.

Who?

Her horse!

Her horse? How can her
horse know what she's doing?

Don't I know
what you're doing?

It may be worth a try, Ed.

But can you get that
information out of her?

You know us blondes.
We can get information
out of anyone.

What a break!
She stopped.

Now, get rid of her
so I can talk to her horse.

How? How do I
get rid of her?

Do what James Bond would do
with a beautiful girl.

My wife would k*ll me.

Remember it's
for our country.

Well, all right.

I'll weaken if it'll
keep America strong.

Ed, she's leaving!

I'll stop her little filly.

I'll give her
the old love call.

[NEIGHING]

What is the matter, Fatima?

We're going the other way.
Come on.

Well, here's
the old bridle path.

Oh, hi, there.
We were lost.

My, what a
beautiful little filly.

Thank you.

But no prettier
than its rider.

How nice
of you to say so.

How nice of you to be so.

Come on, Fatima.
Let's go, girl.

Why doesn't she go?

If I may make a suggestion,
Fraulein,

why don't you let her rest
for a moment or two?

Give us a chance
to get better chance
to get acquainted?

- Very well.
- Let me help you down.

You look familiar.

I beg your pardon?

What's your name,
my sweets?

Inez. What's yours?

James Bond.
Wilbur Bond.

Post Bond...

Last year
it was the Beatles.

Now every man
thinks he is James Bond.

A lump of sugar?

Yes! Maybe a few lumps
of sugar would make Fatima
feel better.

Do you have some?

Uh, no, I haven't.
But there's a coffee
shop just down the road there.

I'll take care
of your horse.

- Merci.
- Ciao, ciao, bambina.

I thought
she'd never leave.

Quick, Ed! Find out
what Fatima knows.

[NEIGHS]

[BOTH NEIGHING
AND NICKERING]

What did she say, Ed?

Hard to tell. She neighs
with a foreign accent.

Ed, the future of our country
might be at stake!

Surely there's some way
to get Fatima to talk.

I'll give her the old
James Bond treatment,

and I'm a cinch to do it
better than you did.

[NEIGHING AND PUCKERING]

What'd she say?

Her owner swiped some
microfilm

of a new American
rocket.

And she's delivering it
to a submarine tonight.

Wow!
Nice going, Ed.

Did Fatima say where
that microfilm is?

Yup! There's a secret
compartment in the pommel
of her saddle.

Wait till Secret
Intelligence see this!

I don't think they will.

You are very charming
but very stupid.

k*ll him, Beppo.

Look out!
Wild elephant!

En garde!

Have some fun with him, Beppo.
Then k*ll him.

Just a minute, please.

Keep the park clean, uh?

En garde!

Aha!

My boy's not too bright.

Oh, finish him off, Beppo.
We are behind schedule now.

Did you say something?

The microfilm, please.

Why, oh, yes, yes,
of course!

Beppo, we will take him
to the shack at the beach.

And bring his
horse along too.

His horse?

If the horse goes home alone,

they will wonder
where the rider is.

And they'll need a deep-sea
diver to find him, eh?

Well, I missed
dinner anyway.

I may as well have you k*ll me
as my father-in-law.

Ooh, oh, yeah.

It's 8:00, Dad.

What can Wilbur be doing
on the bridle path at this hour?

Don 't ask me.

Do you think we ought
to call the police?

Why?
They might find him.

Good.
The door.

The Coast Guard cutter
will leave this area in
exactly 28 minutes.

Then I will swim out to the
submarine with the microfilm.

We'd better help you inflate
the rubber raft.

Let's go.

Oh, excuse me.

Would you mind
calling my wife

and telling her I'll be home
a little late tonight?

Not your wife,
your widow.

Ed? Ed?

[KNOCKING]

Yeah?

Ed, listen.

We've got to alert the Coast
Guard before they leave.

Don't look at me.
Who would rent a horse a boat?

Ed, there has got
to be a way!

Yeah!
Why not?

- Ed?
- Yeah?

We're going to use
Morse Code!

Now, listen to me carefully.
This is our only chance!

You know, I never should have
tried to outsmart you people.

You Americans,
you will never learn.

No, no. I guess you're
just too much for us.

What's that over there
on shore?

Well, by now the microfilm
is on its way to my country.

It was nice knowing you,
my friend.

Drop it!

Over there!

How do you do?

Nice going, fella.
We picked up your light signals.

Yes, lucky for me those
spies paid their electric
bill, uh?

Just tell me one thing.
My man was guarding you.
Your hands were tied.

How could you
send those signals?

Yeah. You were tied up,
and you sent Morse Code.

Uh, not exactly.
It was horse code.

Yeah.

Come on, let's go!
Let's go!

Come on, lady.

But, officer,
I'm sure something has happened
to my husband.

He's been gone all...

It's here.

Hi, there.

Wilbur, where were you?
We've been worried sick.

He? Your Dad
was worried about me?

Wilbur, you
still didn't tell me.
Where were you all night?

Well, I was captured
by this group of spies,

taken to a deserted shack
on the beach,

and, fortunately for me,

I was rescued
in the nick of time

by the United States
Coast Guard.

Wilbur, until you can
tell me the truth,

you can sleep out
in the barn tonight!

So, you're bunking with me
tonight, eh, Buddy Boy?

Yeah, well, someday
I'll be able to tell Carol
everything, but...

Oh, Ed, I sure was proud
of you tonight.

Now I can tell you, Wilbur.

While we were signaling
the Coast Guard,

I had tears in my eyes.

Because you were
helping your country.

Nope, because you were
yanking my tail!

♪ A horse is a horse
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer
that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak
and waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one'll talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

♪ I am Mister Ed. ♪

MAN: This has been
a filmways presentation.